Autism feels thread.
>tfw there's a group of people talking and you want to join in but can't find the proper excuse to come in casually, so you just hover around watching for a while before leaving
>tfw you're in a circle of people talking and you're constantly on the verge of speaking up but keep getting cut off
>tfw you're just as invested in what's being said as anybody else, but you stand there in silence because you don't know how to time chiming in
>tfw people comment on the way you walk and move and it doesn't dawn on you until later that you just constantly look abnormal
>tfw you look in the mirror or at yourself in a photo and realize how awkward and out-of-place you always look
>tfw you hear your own voice on a recording and you literally sound retarded
>tfw you're talented and functional enough to be held to a preposterously high standard, but not functional enough to meet it
>tfw your parents hated you for being "gifted" or "special" or whatever and then not being perfect
>tfw you're "just lazy"
>tfw you can't stand being stroked, traced, patted, brushed, or otherwise touched delicately
>tfw you recoil or duck away when people move in to touch you those ways and it's very fucking clear that you don't want it
>tfw they say they're "just hugging" or "just X-ing" you and it doesn't help the fact that your nerves are on fucking fire
>tfw you actually feel bad for recoiling and stand there with fucking tears in your eyes letting them touch you delicately at length in order to not be the asshole
>tfw every fucking time somebody holds your hand, they lazily stroke it with their thumb or keep moving their fingers around
>tfw no woman would ever be okay with you needing firm pressure or with just scratching you on the head
>tfw either your friends are in the cafeteria or you're eating alone in the back corner table
>tfw you want to study with other people, but it overloads your senses and makes it impossible to read
>tfw you want to socialize at parties, but they're just fucking overwhelming with the noise and the lights
>tfw going to the campus coffee shop overloads your senses
>tfw going to the cafeteria overloads your senses
>tfw debating whether to ask somebody to stop making a trigger sound or just endure it
>tfw somebody in your class makes that sound every fucking day and you say nothing
>tfw you're just walking along and somebody makes that sound, and you speed up to flee them with hands over your ears
>tfw covering one eye with a hand to block out peripheral vision and focus in class, then getting weird looks
>tfw the earmuffs you wear to block out noise look ridiculous and you fucking know it
>tfw it becomes increasingly apparent that you come across as creepy
>tfw you love and hurt as deeply as anybody else
>tfw there's an entire world behind your eyes that nobody can see and you just wish somebody could see it
>tfw none of it matters because you just look like a spastic spree shooter on the outside
>tfw you don't know when you're being fucked with
>tfw it seems like everybody has telepathy except you
>tfw people in your family regard you as a walking computer or some kind of machine
>tfw mind constantly thinking and can't stop it
>tfw cause of mind racing all the time, it causes insomnia
>tfw never get a good nights rest
>tfw constantly tired/fatigued
>tfw the fatigue makes day to day living harder
>tfw depression cause of this
>tfw isolation due to depression and fatigue
>tfw lose all friends/ family sees you as a weirdo and becomes distant and constantly feel so alone in the world
>tfw this makes anxiety worse
>tfw can barely leave house somedays due to bad anxiety
>tfw doctor has prescribed medication that makes me even more socially awkward
>tfw it will never end
Sometimes I feel like if I don't move, like by rocking or fidgeting with my hands or shaking my leg, it kind of hurts. Its hard to explain. I do it most often when im anxious or really focused (like on homework). I didnt realize I was doing it so much until my tutor pointed it out. Could this be an autism thing?? I've never asked a doctor before. Other possible symptoms include some social weirdness (sometimes not picking up on jokes or missing the obvious), and narrow obsessive interests. However, I can read faces fine and didn't have any trouble with imaginative play as a child.
>been going to lot of psychiatrists this year
>avoided conscription few years ago because of severe anxiety issues, was suggested to visit a psychiatrist even back then but I was too shy to make the appointment
>told the doctors and psychiatrists about my situation and how I can't even go to school because everything is just so tiresomely overwhelming etc.
>the last doctor directed me to neuropsychiatrist, I'm in the waiting line and supposedly getting the appointment letter in the mail this month I think
>work diagnosis: asperger's syndrome
It's pretty surely asperger's/mild autism case. I'm fine with that, I'm not scared of the diagnosis because I know what mild autism is. My older brother got his autism diagnosed years ago and he's super intelligent. He's kind of a weirdo, but really intelligent. Some kind of math genius.
I'm finally getting my shit sorted out. I already lost lots of weight last year, and now getting assburgers diagnosis I can finally get my life back on order. I'm thinking of returning back to school, perhaps getting into natural sciences and becoming a scientist. With autism diagnosis I could get some special silent room to make my tests, some kind of customized education program etc.
It's going to be alright.
>tfw without fail, every group of people you come into contact with acts friendly at first but then slowly grow more distant until they makes excuses to not hang out or just tell you to go away
One of the people on a battlefield server told me to go away and that nobody likes me last night in fact, it's like my autistic spirit can be felt through some distance
>tfw everybody in immediate family brings up 'my anxiousness and obsessiveness' then proceed get BTFO by me not putting a towel back properly
>tfw shit's just everywhere in my room and I can't cope without things being a certain level of messy-organized
>tfw constantly feel less acceptable as I'm more accepted, and every flaw or problem is amplified by a running random record of events.
>tfw socializing has resorted to comedy and roasting because serious conversations are 'two smaht'.
>tfw have a tendency to ID people via internet info, because I'm curious and I'm apparently a serial killer because I do that and never change my hairstyle.
>tfw have to detract from thinking because once the train stops it never fucking ends, can't sleep, can't stop, won't until just finally drop from tiredness.
>tfw regarded as a 'genius kid' but have situations where my mind just says "stop" once I fail at least twice and thinking becomes an immediate cringe event.
>tfw people comment on me being 'special' because my logic apparently doesn't register to them when I wear casual jeans + hoodie and don't style hair
>let alone when I'm already 10 steps ahead of them internally and I can't deal with how slow they're being
>tfw you don't like hugs much because you always feel like awkward kid and your brain/emotions light on fire at the contact
>tfw tastes and smells and stimulation/pain all are amplified and people think I'm faking or just think I'm a weak bitch
>tfw interests no matter how normie are always 'that one guy's thing now'.
>tfw you're completely blunt and aware of people's bullshit but miss the stupidest of signs
>tfw everybody you grew up with, always were so immature to you
>tfw you feel as if not coping with the adult world's disorder has made you into a child again
>tfw certain noises make you wince and echo in your mind
>tfw as I grow older, apathy is taking over
>tfw probably no family contact in 4 years
Wow that is a familiar and devastating pain. It hurt a lot reading this thread and then I saw your post and it just crushes. I think some people put on that friendly mask to feel better about themselves, and when the obligation to actually act like a friend to that person they so openly accepted creeps up, they realize you are worthless and not worth their time. So they throw you away knowing that they aren't the first nor the last to do it. You would think you could just go hide behind a screen and maybe talk to people then, but it serves only as a reminder that you are incapable of interacting in the real world, much less in a damn videogame or whatnot. That's how I feel anyways
I have some sperg tendencies, but I'm more borderline sociopath
>get overly worked up about things
>normalfags just want to say the shallowest automatic things
>they get thrown off when you actually want to hold a conversation
>normalfags will bitch over the smallest most inane shit like "first world problems" every day
>minorities and advantaged fucks always telling you how bad they have it and how happy you should be being white despite them being in a clearly superior position
>get bullied your whole life for not being at a "developmentally appropriate" level i.e. wanting to interact with other kids, wanting more from teachers, having energy that only gets told "sit down shut up"
>people just hate you and start lying to get authorities to hurt you
>authorities are even worse, you tell the truth they think you're lying and punish you worse
>they write down you're a liar and no matter what, everything is always your fault
>you tell people you're hurt, you need help
>they tell you "everyone else is fine, you just need to be happy" while repeating their insults of how you're not like everyone else
>you talk to someone about being different, they say stuff like "everyone has their quirks" and you want to say "do these quirks involve jerking off to cartoon horses?"
Those symptoms are far more of ADHD than aspergers, even though there can be overlap. Literally compulsively moving is a symptom of ADHD, and there's even papers on how kids with ADHD who shake actually do better on tests than ADHD kids that sit still.
One of my stepbrothers has not only Asperger's but also schizoaffective disorder, so he's basically autistic, schizophrenic, and bipolar all wrapped up in one fun package. I can't even imagine the hell that is his life. He's tried to kill himself multiple times, but still hasn't managed to do it yet.
I actually had an experience like that with my friend and his friends I didn't know, when his friends met up with us they all formed a closed off circle and left me feeling really awkward, so I walked away and this cute girl approached me and we talked about random shit for a while and it made me feel a lot better. Sometimes it's not even you, it's just your friends are pieces of shit who find subtle passive aggressive ways to make you feel excluded, don't hate yourself
Yea but im 26 and have learned to brush it off at this point. Instead of wallowing in butthurt i just remind myself connecting with others is simply one of my weaknesses and that i'm under no obligation to pity myself over it
You get driven to it, that's just the lead in.
>excessive distrust of everyone
>begin to excessively hate
>the few times you return aggression authorities stomp you into the ground while praising your bullies (as in literally "how could you do that he's such a nice boy")
>get sexually aroused by thoughts of raping someone
>adrenaline starts going and get a smile thinking of hurting others
>get literally nauseated by seeing people be happy and laughing and social
>the threat of homelessness or imprisonment is the only thing keeping me from hurting other people
You don't see the sociopaths that behave tbqhfam
>group of friends talking and laughing
>chime into the conversation but nobody replies to you
>make a joke nobody laughs
Then they have the gall to ask "Anon, why are you always so quiet? Omg just be yurself bruh"
This a thousand times.
As I've gotten older, it's like I've transcended being even remotely phased by all of it. I'm not sure if it's depression in the form of apathy, but I just don't even give two fucks about it nowadays.