>>26318720 That's a ridiculous amount of overtime. I can't say I don't understand.. The nature of life and human relationships is so repulsively shallow; at least when you're working you feel contentment in the distraction
>>26319864 I'm not them, but I think I can answer. I'm a tranny and I can't transition either, and I think our condition/mental illness/whatever saps everything enjoyable out of life. We're expected to act and be someone we know we're not. It takes everything to not feel miserable in our lives, and there really isn't anything we look forward to, since we're still going to have the same bodies and expectations no matter what, so we just trudge on doing what we're expected to. There isn't anything we 'want' to do, because we're still stuck in bodies we hate no matter what we achieve.
>>26319864 I suffer from (diagnosed) schizophrenia. Thankfully it's entering its residual stages but it's still robbed my ability to enjoy the highs and lows of life. I feel like a robot, which is while I'm so comfortable with working a lot, because it keeps me away from other people which calms my paranoia and because it distracts me from my delusions. It's not severe enough that I hear or see things, but if anyone touches my face or mentions a few words, I'll have a meltdown.
Then there's also the facts that I'm trans and I can't transition, not that I would at this point anyway.
>>26320128 Well, I'm not trans but this describes me with penetrating accuracy. I feel so fundamentally different than people are, and that I have to put on a shallow mask of social acceptability.. It's like we just try to tear whatever inherent biological mammalian compassion we have down in place of oppressive social classes.
I just want people to quit being so fucking blind to what life truly is, how alone and fragile we truly are, and to stop living in their fantasy land of "did you guys hear what sally did? Like oh my god she like fucked....." Etc
>>26320507 I wish I could go girlmode, but I feel so much shame for even thinking about this. I tried painting my fingernails once, but I just sat there anxiously thinking about everyone who would judge me for doing so. I can usually detach myself from bad emotions, but I can't detach myself from my shame from being trans.
>>26320602 This is a personal theory of mine, but I think there is a biological limit to our empathy. If you look at humans for most of our history, or other primates, or even other mammals, we've existed in small groups of no more than a few dozen. Only in the last ~10000 years have we started to live in groups larger than Dunbar's number, which is the maximum number of intimate relationships possible, usually estimated at 150. Now we live in groups of millions and billions, which no other mammal does, but our biology is still in the Paleolithic. This is why people usually only extend their empathy to people in their 'tribe' or people in the same social classes as them. Our empathy is built to deal with people we know imtimately, but beyond that we only tend to care emotionally about people who go through similar experiences as us, since we can understand them easily. I think the test of our survival as a species will be how well we can overcome our biology when faced with technological advancements. Personally I'm pessimistic about our chances.
>>26321438 i know that feel, i took a drastic step one day and got a make over, i walked home in so much shame, but then once home i felt so much better with myself. the most i do now is wear a barely noticeable layer of foundation out, it gives me a little boost while not being so noticeable i feel shame about it. this is one thing i disagreed much with my therapist about, she recommended me to go out in girlmode, yea like i dont want to, but the shame, the shame...
>>26321569 I've tried to explain my shame to my therapist, but he doesn't seem to get it. I don't know, but I feel like I'm betraying everyone when I even talk about these feelings. Part of me really just wants to push them down and forget about them, but I just end up miserable, on drugs, and alone if I do. Idk, since I don't think i can transition anyway, I might as well, since I'm going to be miserable either way.
>>26322173 im sorry to hear anon. you sound just like me, though i did push my feelings down for years though, it finally cracked my last september and i sought therapy in november. so far it has done absolutely nothing for me. the last advice i got was "go watch this movie, i think itll help." 2 weeks ago i was ready to pull the trigger on myself, with nothing left to loose im gonna try and talk to a gender clinic next week to see what can be done. if nothing, offing myself is still an option
>>26321438 >you can only feel empathy for those whit similar situations I think this may be true, I depressed being gay for ten years (23 bi now) and I get the biggest urge to have a pre transition mtf boyfriend mostly because I'm bibso I would be attracted to her every step of the way but it goes beyond a simple fetish. Irl really want to make a trans girl happy, I find them incredibly cute and I fill really sad when I read their stories
>>26322279 Yup, I've gone though cycles of pushing my feelings down, thinking I'm 'cured' and then seeing something stupid like a dress or some woman happy with her boyfriend and suddenly everything comes crashing back onto me. This last time I started seeing my therapist who, like yours, is absolutely useless. He's one of those old constructivists who thinks LGBT people are caused by bad relationships with their parents. Sadly though he's pretty much the best I'm going to get where I live. Now I think I kind of just accept I'm going to kill myself since I'm not strong enough to transition. It took me years to even be comfortable around women, since I was always terrified people would think I was feminine by association and find out my great secret. There no way I could ever come out. I know I'm a freak, but if I can at least accept myself internally maybe I can have some happiness in my few remaining years.
>>26322323 Kinda wish you lived near me haha, I would give anything to be able to talk to someone in my real life about this. Anyway time I think about coming out I get panic attack and feel like I'm betraying everyone in my life. Tbh I think more people should read trans stories, maybe then we could be start being treated as normal people instead of either reviled or patronized.
>>26322628 Why is that? We could hangh out together, I don't mind you wearing a dress at all even if it is outside I don't really know what you like to do for fun but as long as it isn't league I don't care, I'm happy to join I could have a secret crush on you but that's OK I can handle it
>>26322694 I think a lot of people secretly like trans girls. But the thing is they are nowhere to be seen, I have met many gay and lesbian people but never a trans. The only ones I know of are prostitutes and I don't want to anything to do with them
>>26322694 did you choose your therapist because of the gender issues? i started seeing mine because of major depression and only later told her about mine, which is why im going to see a specialist next wednesday. sadly it seems no matter how much you run, the problems will follow. i promised myself a few years ago before i moved out i wouldnt kill myself before my dad died, thats the only reason im still around right now, but keeping that promise gets harder and harder. i really hope you will do what you fell is right for you, i would say that you should at least give it a try before finishing it off, ill be around if you wanna talk more about anything.
>>26322698 i have extreme social anxiety and cant function around people in real life, barely even on skype. i have no hobbies left, everything has had its joy sucked out of it for various reasons and im left with no motivation or engery to do anything, the only times ive done something was due to someone pressuring me to go to a pub. i think i really need external forces to make me do anything at all, i cant even take care of myself...
>>26322875 I get it but at least there should be a dating website or something, I know its not ideal but its something at least. I went to a gay club once but it was full of 40 year old guys and I felt really uncomfortable so I had to leave
>>26322893 i accepted i wouldnt make it past 30 when i was 14. i stopped being afraid of death at the same age. how do i feel about it? i welcome it desu, im sick and tired of my life and trying to live
>>26322886 Not really, as long as you aren't a selfish bitch about it. I don't come out to guys until a couple dates in, but before we've done anything...like I don't wait until we're in the bedroom to whip out my dick. I just wait until we get to know each other more and I get a feel for how stable they are.
When I announce I'm trans I get a lot of chasers who just want to live out their porn fetish and get fucked bareback by a tranny with a 9" dick, or I get people calling me a faggot. I just want a nice qt bf
>>26323031 unfortunately the past is the past and im stuck with the problems it left me with, a lot of them it seems. i thought had learned to live with them, but i had just learned to live a lie and hide everything from everyone. the one time i did try and ask for help, my first therapist laughed at me, i didnt see anyone after that for over a decade...
>>26323133 it really sucks, im sorry you can recognize parts, if not all, of it. have you beaten your depression?
>>26322901 No, just general depression/anxiety stuff. He already has an idea in his head about how the world works and tries to force everything into that interpretation, imo this is a problem with lots of social science. He's the only person I've ever told and I can barely talk to him about this. I don't know how people get to the point of talking to gender specialists. I feel judged into silence just think about this and typing this.
In high school I had a few end days come and go, but yeah my family is one of the only reasons I'm still around. Every day though I get more and more resentful of them for "forcing" me to stay alive. I did have another family member kill themselves, so I don't want to do that to them again, but on the other hand it is my life. I don't know.
>>26322926 There are trans dating sites though. Typing trans dating sites into google gives quite a few results. I think most of us just want to be normal though, since we feel like society has othered us.
>>26322893 Really good. I'm glad I won't have to go through 50-60 more years of this misery.
>>26323280 There aren't in my country and if you Google it the only thing you get are. Buzzfeed articles about trans people using grindr I saw one site with like 4 posts and they were years old, there is one site but its super dodgy and I don't want to give them my Facebook
>>26323280 id recommend you look for another therapist, while mine isnt trying to force anything, her methods just doesnt help me. i got referred to the gender specialist because after talking to some other trans people, i told her that there was one thing that made me a little happy, and that was dressing up and that i had done it more often recently, at which point she asked into my sexuality and i just said "yea, about that... i think i may be trans, is that something you can help me with?" and she got me the referral to the specialist as, as i felt it, was he first case of it.
i can also easily get behind the resentfullness, but i dont want to be a borther to anyone, least of all the one person who saved me from living with a psychopath...
>>26323355 thats really good to hear! how did you do it?
>>26323208 >chasers I don't get what you mean by chasers, I'm gay, I'm straight too and I have fantasised about being penetrated before, its something I would like to experience at least once in my life. Ideally it would be with a trans girl that I love but if she doesn't feel comfortable with it then its no and I understand that I don't understand how its any different tho its just a expression of your sexuality
>>26323450 I don't feel I did anything to get over my depression I'm sorry if that answer doesn't help you at all, maybe it's what you are supposed to feel, I didn't woke up one day and felt amazing, that happened when I came out tho I totally recommend it to you if its possible
>>26323675 Well I remember feeling pain a lot and trying a million things which made me feel even more pain. I feel like a man and never had any problems with my identity. I feel like I matured and became more manly and that helped I learned to be responsible for myself and to be accepting of others and forgiving. I think this helped a lot with getting over my depression, these are things that are onlylearned through adversity
>>26322694 Can't relate to any of you neck beards but when I was younger I only hung around guys, was too nervous around women. Post highschool literally had one guy friend and the rest of the time I've been with women very frequently. Not in the sexual way, that too though. People don't think you're effeminate when you are around women all the time. When asked why that is I just say I prefer their company. No one asked further.
>>26323450 My trans stuff kind of came out with my therapist after I had a bad bout of anxiety, and he essentially told me that we needed to figure out why I felt this way before I "went all bruce jenner" and later that I had internalized the suppressed feminine feelings of the men in my life and idolized my mom since my dad wasn't in my life. It sucks, because I really thought he was going to be respectful of my feelings, but he literally laughed after I told him how I felt before making the joke about bruce jenner. After him I don't want to go through the turmoil of having to tell someone else, but maybe I will since you're right, I should probably try transitioning at least once before quitting life altogether.
Yeah I really don't want to be a problem for the people I care about, but they can see I'm really unhappy, which makes them unhappy, so idk whatever I do I just make them unhappy. If I'm here they're sad I'm miserable, but if I'm gone they're going to be sad I'm gone. I've thought about faking my emotions, but repressing my emotions takes most of energy. I just wish I hadn't been cursed with this.
>>26323912 Yeah I know, but I was really paranoid until recently about people thinking I was effeminate. That was when I was really young, like pre-HS. My entire existence until HS was devoted to protecting my "secret".
This is just in response to a few posts here and there
I find women incapable of genuine thoughtfulness, even the quiet ones are only ever quiet purely from social anxiety ( like many 'robots')
But the girls, and most people in general I've met in life and even here are normies from my perspective
Women will never truly understand you, and love with them is inherently shallow and vain. Playing into the illusion our biology creates.. An mtf feels like an approximation who you can genuinely relate to. It's a desirable aesthetic but anybody who literally believes they're a different gender than the one they were born is sadly deluded
Nobody gets to pick who they are, we all learn who we are the same way as everybody else
>>26323933 your therapist sounds like a cunt. they are there to help not that shit... i would try and find another, some therapists can be cunts to their patients i know that too. i would say you should find another and see if transitioning is for you, im doing those things right now and hope things will get better, at least i believe theres a chance they can be, although i hear that the start of transitioning are the worst of it and we'll feel even more like shit.
faking emotions is one hell of a drain, i always feel exhausted just from that alone, and when i dont i can hear my dad on the phone sounding hurt, goddamn that hurts too. i dont want to quit before him, but i wish id get shot or run over every time i go outside or across a road, anything that would by accident finish me off.
>>26323759 keep it up anon, dont fall back into this shit hole of dispair
>>26324179 Have you considered cognitive behavioural therapy? In my lowest I did, I begun by practicing smiling, it came really unnatural at first but I got the hang of it, I nevee went much further than that but even know I still can put a fake smile and feel a tiny bit better if I'm feeling really sad
>>26324179 Honestly hes been pretty okay aside from this, but he just has the entire world already worked out in his head and can't accept anything else. Yeah I've heard the start of transitioning is the worst, I would probably spend literally my entire life in my room for months.
I know, I have to work so hard to just be neutral, and if I don't people start worrying about me. It all just makes me feel like an outsider, which is why I've always fantasized about dying in the woods. Society has abandoned me, and I don't want my death to be here.
>>26324243 thats what my current therapist is trying, but its not working all too well, shes also gonna refer me to either a nonprofit group of psychologists or the psychiatric hospital as my time with her is out next week
>>26324253 >misunderstanding things therapists should help you figure your shit out, not laugh at you. maybe that requires hormones, maybe not, that all depends on the case. but dont come here telling me a therapist laughing at his patients is doing what hes supposed to, that is not what is needed if you have to see a therapist
.>>26324382 still it wasnt right of him to do that though if they decide i need to go on hrt thats what ill do too, like im not already a neet...
i hate when people start noticing me, especially if its because im not faking how i feel. im just waiting for the sweet escape from everything, no matter how it comes, ill welcome it
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