Knowing that I will fuck every friendship up, even if I try my best, I feel like I'm destined to be alone. It is so hard to even find friends online, but I always do something which makes the other person dislike or even hate me
I'm not going to be able to capture this in greentext, so here's a stream on consciousness
running out of the back of the county theater in the middle of "We're Off to See the Wizard" while everyone stares at me because my chuunibyou was just shattered and I'm no longer the main character in a slice-of-life romance but just a shitty 16 year old kid who had been getting cuckolded for the past 4 years and realizing the second I get into the lobby that I still have 3 days of commitment to the stage show but there's no way in hell I can walk back into position tonight so I end up standing under a tree to avoid the rain while dirty wet white pedals keep slopping down onto my glasses and it takes 45 minute for my parents to come get me so I spend the entire time thinking about every warning sign I wrote off as me overthinking things and jesus christ why the fuck couldn't she have revealed this BEFORE everyone back stage talked about their fetishes and I participated oh fucking great there's mom's car and now I have to act like everything is okay for the next 45 minutes because my family has an unspoken rule that we never discuss emotional problems
If you mean the conversation that ruined everything: the stagehands and actors that weren't needed were doing the standard high school talk of "how far have you been." It was her turn. "Oh, just 2nd base," and then her eyes glanced at me and a big look of regret immediately hit her I was next and said I had only been kissed once. There was a moment of silence as that sank in for everyone (since, at the time, it was understood that the two of us had been dating for a few years), and cue the worst feel.
If you meant the fetish conversation, I'm afraid there's not much of interest to say. I just revealed I liked fatties (which I would have regretted a lot more if everything else hadn't happened, since that was essentially telling the girl I liked that I thought she was fat, and also I knew she had an eating disorder). No one ever really brought it up again, but any degenerate can understand the nagging regret in the back of my mind the next couple dozen times I saw those people.
>>26267936 My actual family doesn't know, I'm talking about my platoon, it's like after I found out everyone looked at me differently like I was a dead man walking. Those couple months were the hardest, dudes I had known for years weren't associating with me because I popped.
The fact that I've lost both a best friend and my future wife at once.
And that now I'm back to being a robot after thinking I was beyond this stupid phase of life, and thinking I'd never drink again because I was happy with my life, and thinking I'd finally met someone who could pull me out of staying up until 4am everyday and help me become a better person.
Yeah, fuck all that, I'm completely alone again. She was the only reason I would do anything and now that she's gone I have literally nothing.
Getting locked up in a psychiatric hospital! almost died gained "Schizoaffective" dissorder got pumped with sedatives possibly raped (and im a ugly guy). wasn't eating anything and noone there cared as i eventually got heart collapse. then they moved me and tried to perform surgery and give me a artificial heart without consent and when i was so sick/delusional to do anything. I am so lucky that my mom was there every day otherwise id not be here today. DONT GO TO ANYONE AND SAY UR SUICIDAL they could lock you up thats how it works in aus.
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