>>26187365 I struggled to convince myself not to drink my whole bottle of wine last night. I'm trying to keep that shit only on occasions. I have a tendency to try and find a reason to drink so I'm being careful.
>drink beer morning to evening for most of last year >less than two weeks worth of sober days the whole year >a little over two weeks ago decide to put a stop to it >instead got blackout drunk on vodka 6 times during the last two week period >noticed that drinking a lot in a small period of time is less detrimental to my overall condition than drinking from morning to evening >two weeks since my last beer >feel like eyes are gonna pop out of my face >relapse yesterday evening >on 27th pint now
Poland has some real fucking dank black metal. https://youtu.be/xgfa5UlZAL8?t=15m
>>26187955 dude what about nitrous oxide? assuming "anything i can get my hands on" includes psychedelics, the combo is fucking rad. can reverse bad/unpleasant trips completely. it's safe too as long as you're not doing it every day, otherwise you'll become vitamin b12 deficient.
>tfw only recently turned 20, amerifat >tfw current job randomly drug tests >but not for benzos can't wait to get addicted to etizolam
>>26187428 if i were 21, i'd drive my ass to walgreens or cvs and buy one of those huge jugs of sangria that are only like $10. at 10% alc, it's a pretty easy way to get drunk at least most days of the week for 10 bucks until your tolerance goes up.
Im a severe alcoholic. Been wanting to ask someone for awhile what you call yhese bottles? (Pic related) I dont have friends to ask and im always to paranoid to ask the clerks so i just call them pints and most of the time they know what i mean. Theyre technically not pints though...
i used to drink constantly, and in fact went to rehab for it. i did it to drown my sorrows, pardon the cliche, but the problems that resulted from drinking eventually outgrew the problems that i was trying to drown. i learned that basically i cant do any drug that produces immediate craving for more in me, and inhibits my impulse control/inhibitions. cocaine and alcohol are the only two drugs that i keep wanting more of even after ive already had enough. i would literally puke and just keep drinking, after all there was more room now right? only drugs i fuck with now are opiates, which is funny that even though they are super addictive they do not diminish my reasoning or impulse control so i always stick to 1 week on 3 weeks off. i realize i am playing with fire but i feel pretty confident that i can manage to keep chipping because it is in my interest to keep my tolerance low. opiate tolerance isnt like alcohol or weed, it ramps up quick and soon the amount you used to get high you will barely feel.
>>26188062 No, I don't think I'll stop. What's the point, no matter how healthy our lifestyles, we find ourselves 6 feet under. Drugs intrigue me, and I am fascinated by their effects on the body. And a happy life? Well, long story short, drugs make me happy. >find love no
>>26188231 you can't google son? you've been getting it right, that's a pint. usually the smallest available ones, besides pocket shots, is a half pint. let me guess, you buy these as a way to limit yourself right? when i started becoming an alcoholic i stopped getting 5ths even though it was more economic because i knew if i had that much i would polish it off in a day or two at most.
>>26188207 the more alcohol i drink the more i really hate the taste of it, and my alcohol/benzo use at this very moment has been slim and i'm not a big guy so my tolerance is very low.
part of me prefers drinking less liquid and therefore shots of hard liquor make more sense, but a couple cups of sangria is perfectly chuggable for me and that's equiv. to 4 beers.
>>26188062 i found love before i started doing drugs w/ someone who only did such things way in the past and still doesn't partake. love didn't fix my life, but drugs have been an absolutely great addition to my life. i have an addictive personality so it's hard for me to not think about getting high on something all the time but having an addictive personality has been with me for as long as i can remember.
i sincerely believe the human brain is not equipped to deal with life as it is while completely sober all the time. there are plenty of studies that show how humans feel the need to become not sober, and plenty of studies that show how recreational drugs can be used therapeutically.
Been at 10+ drinks every weeknight and ??? drinks every weekend because I drink hard all day for about 3 years now. I feel like I'm dying and like killing myself at the same time. It might be what keeps me going. But hey, at least I can still hold a job.
>>26188559 i've had problems with anxiety and depression and such for a very very long time.
love didn't fix anything, therapy and ssris didn't fix anything. i feel like my use of psychedelics has helped in certain ways and since my first use of them i've been making gradual progress, but that's not what you asked about so w/e.
i've been in a relationship with this person for about 2 and a half years now, and i'm only 20, so i'm not exactly an expert on relationships or anything like that. however, i find that being in a romantic relationship, a real bona fide committed relationship, doesn't add anything to my life. it only removes the pains of loneliness and being single. relief from pain can be euphoric in itself, but after 2 and a half years it's just a new normal for me.
you should keep in mind that 10 percent of the american population is considered to have an addictive personality. a lot of people with addictive personalities will never know that they have such problems because they'll never try any "drugs" but instead drink soda, play video games, and masturbate near constantly or they'll find some other outlet.
risk factors for addictive personalities include things like having divorced parents. in america, i'm pretty sure the statistic is like nearly half of all married couples get divorced. think about how many children of divorce there are. other risk factors include having any mental disorders (anxiety, depression included) which a huge number of people have. just google "addiction risk factors" and you'll probably find something there that you can relate to that increases your chances of becoming addicted to something at some point in your life, drugs or not.
drugs did affect my relationship at one point because she was not happy that i was getting into all of this stuff that she used to be into as a self harming teenager with her stupid piece of shit high school/middle school friends. she doesn't care anymore.
I started developing a kind of fear or falling asleep, as I may be showing signs of schizophrenia and my thought patterns tend to get wonky while I am falling asleep. I sometimes hear voices and see faces in my own Eigengrau, and it's causing me quite a bit of anxiety. Drinking helps distract myself from those thoughts while I am experiencing those hypnogogic hallucinations. I don't drink much each day, but falling asleep without it makes me startle out of that falling asleep with a feeling of dread and cold sweats.
>>26188600 no, it is not just human nature to seek out altered states of consciousness you know, there are many many many examples of other animals that do it too. recreational and therapeutic drug use exists in nature, and people that don't ever feel the need to do drugs are not counter examples to this. i used to be very against drug use until i started reading about psychedelics and even then it took me months to get comfortable just with smoking weed or getting drunk. once i did those things for the first time i realized how much i enjoy those things but it never crossed my mind until i forced myself to try it.
your understanding of addiction and substance use/abuse seems to be pretty limited to what the average non user of drugs thinks because they have no need to research any of this stuff.
I'm in love with someone I can't be with because they are choosing to get drunk and high. It makes them act in ways that are incredibly harmful. Sometimes they're abusive and violent. Sometimes they're withdrawn and cold. Sometimes they're unpredictable and frightening. There was a point in time where I felt like my love for them was entirely unbreakable. In a sense maybe it is. I haven't stopped loving them.
>>26187365 How do you crave alcohol? Like isn't alcoholism literally physically craving that shit?
I don't drink often. In fact only a couple of times a year, but on the rare social occasion I do, I get shitfaced. I usually drink only vodka because my goal is to get drunk as fast as possible, and I can drink almost anyone under the table, so people kinda regard me as a vodka master, but it still tastes like fucking shit and makes me nearly want to vomit every time. The absolute only thing that makes me down that piss is the fact that I know I'll be drunk soon and actually enjoying myself without autistically overactive brain overthinking and getting anxious allover my ass.
Any legitimate alcoholics willing to enlighten me?
>>26189098 There are different ways people can get high. See, I've mentioned already that I'm primarily interested in dissos and psychs, but someone that's addicted to opiates or amphetamines or alcohol is going to have a lot more emotional problems and difficulty maintaining relationships. I mean I know for a fact if I couldn't control my use and addictive tendencies like I do now, my girlfriend would be a lot more upset. We have boundaries established and I adhere to them 90% of the time.
>>26188927 I won't get too specific but we met on facebook. We were long distance for about a year and a half. I made a comment on a status made by a small/relatively unknown band, she saw it and saw my profile picture and added me. It's hard to explain without getting too specific but our profile pictures were both very peculiar and eerily exactly alike at the time. We like shoegaze and movies so we went from there.
Sorry about the double post, not that anyone probably cares
Do you think deep down that she really truly does not know?
Does she ever get angry with you seemingly randomly or ask you about drugs at odd times (which you vehemently deny the use of of course)? Does she ask you questions about your mood? Does she seem suspicious?
>>26189918 I won't say what band cause I have friends and non friends that browse this board often. They make noise rock. But yeah, several months ago I moved in with a family member in her state who helped me get a pretty good job and I've just been saving since then. Job drug tests so most drugs I like I can't do except psychs and benzos but it's a great job anyway.
>>26189969 I've done a lot to make her comfortable with my drug use, in the earlier stages of it she was acting a bit odd whenever my voice was different or if I was inexplicably tired but she generally just doesn't care about me doing drugs now.
We don't live together but when we don't, in about 4-5 months, I could easily hide something like opiate use in the night time as I often have to take something to sleep anyway like melatonin or dph. Will I though? Probably not, rarely if at all. I've been narrowly called out for being high on marijuanas w/o telling her when I first started but I knocked that off real quick.
>>26190261 I'd had cause for a while now. I've gotten shitfaced on a few holidays previously because they depress me, but it was hard because I couldn't buy my own liquor. I think this time i'll try and hit that perfect drunk point, and stick there for a while. Maybe make some cocktails, since i've always had an interest.
>>26190589 If you have any kind of artistic inclination, even if it's just knotting, do it when you're drunk. You'll really feel the kind of buzz you get from each drink and develop your taste, while at the same time you're being relatively productive.
>>26190027 See, I haven't ever actually told her or explained to her my compulsions toward addictive behaviors. For her sake I have kept it under control and that is a tremendous amount of effort and control exercised on my part. I don't want to worry her by saying I'm like inherently a polysubstance drug addict when I'm not actually doing drugs every day and I'm actually exercising my ability to be temperate.
I'm definitely not in denial, and I would say I am mildy afraid of her finding out. She's a very very very neurotic person and causing her undue stress for the sake of honesty, in my opinion, just isn't worth it. It makes me feel bad but I'd rather shoulder than burden than make her worry unnecessarily, and trust me, she's the michael jordan of worrying unnecessarily. I've mentioned that I have problems with anxiety and depression so I do that a lot too but yeah.
I mean, people in this thread reading this are probably going to make all kinds of assumptions about what I'm like while trying to hide my own intoxication and I will admit that hiding that sort of thing is very hard and difficult to get away with, especially when you're doing it in front of someone that's been around the block. I don't hide my intoxication in front of her, I barely have to hide it at all because what I'm referring to really is like popping xannies or an OC 30 after I tell her I'm going to bed and then watching anime. I'm not like driving her to work while nodding off or taking her out to dinner with booze or weed stank on my breath/hands.
>>26190698 Thanks for the suggestion, anon. I have a lot of artistic inclinations that I never develop. I was probably going to fap after a couple of drinks before whiskey dick set in, then shitpost on 4chan. I probably would've ended up sending messages to old friends, and estranged family members at some point. I'll try your idea instead.
>>26190850 Nope, never considered it, never will. If I wanted to have sex with someone else I wouldn't be with her.
>>26190986 Yeah, things are going pretty great. I've been planning things out for us financially because I'm good at that, and I've got us on a path to being where we want to be and living together in just a few months, and we're very excited about that.
She hasn't been suspicious for a long, long time. See, her suspicions were true sometimes, but she was actually often suspicious without justification in the earlier days of me doing this stuff. Like I said, over time she became completely fine with my drug use and, as far as I can tell, and I can tell, she doesn't care anymore. I haven't mentioned this yet because I forgot to but she does join me on some very rare occasions. We've never gotten drunk together, we've smoked weed together a few times, and we've tripped together twice. I said she doesn't partake in drugs nowadays because I still consider that to be true, doing drugs less than a handful of times a year because your boyfriend does drugs comparatively often doesn't cross my mind as being a substance abuser. She won't take benzos if she's having a panic attack, she won't take opiates when she's in severe pain (which is about once a month the day after she starts her period, she has like 8/10 severe as hell cramps that have hospitalized her before), and she will only very rarely take dph to sleep. Even if she hadn't smoked a little weed and ate some shrooms a couple times with me I still wouldn't have any remote reason to believe my drug use affects her at all.
The michael jordan thing sounds like disrespect sure, but not her being neurotic. She has mental illness, as do I. It's a fact of her life and mine. We both worry unnecessarily because of these illnesses.
>>26187365 Probably. I go sober for weeks at a time but I just see no point so I start drinking again. I don't mind being sober but life is just so boring sometimes. Alcohol spices it up a bit. It's probably something deeper than just pure boredom but I'm not a little bitch so I'll just blame myself instead. Used to smoke a ton of weed but people are so sketchy in my area that it's just easier to buy some cheap vodka and kill my liver. Oh well
>>26191478 She was only ever diagnosed with GAD but her panic attacks are very frequent, her depressive tendencies are very frequent, and she couldn't afford to have more than a few sessions with a pretty shitty counselor. I had a psychiatrist that said I have major depressive disorder but yknow I never found out if this was an official diagnosis because he was odd. He pushed a few different SSRIs on me, none of which did me any good. I had a separate therapist for actual counseling that gave me more advise specific to what I actually experience, as major depressive disorder didn't seem to be at all the only thing I had to worry about, but I couldn't afford to keep going and the advice given wasn't anything new to me. I don't know if what you're saying is suggesting or implying that anxiety and depression aren't mental illnesses but they're not exactly definable as anything but mental illnesses, and it is something that interferes with her and my daily existence.
>What are you doing to prepare you living together? Like emotionally or financially? I mean either way I don't get why you're asking.
I'm pretty sure I am. I drink a handle (1.75 liters) a week, and if I don't have any left I feel like my night is ruined unless I go out to get some. i.e. I don't like to eat junk food or play vidya unless I'm drinking.
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