How do I forget about opposite sex and focus on other stuff in my life?
It is obvious that my love life isn't going anywhere (and won't in near future) but I cannot stop obsessing over it.
How do I shut down those emotions? Anyone had some success doing so here?
>pic unrelated, don't have any pics on pc apart from some game screenshots
You make a conscious decision to give up on your love life and all the ramifications this will have on your future from here on out.
You do this at every chance you get, because remember that practice makes perfect.
It's what I've been doing, and its results have surprised me so far. You would not believe the amount of weight that's been lifted off my shoulders when I'm out in public now.
>It's what I've been doing, and its results have surprised me so far.
So I am like remind myself in every situation "don't think about love and relationships" or is there more to it?
Also, I try to maintain some social circles, so it is harder when you see people togeher on daily basis.
You need more vigorous and spirited masturbation then, but no really.
I know that feel anon. I used to be like you. The good thing we can take away from this is that somewhere deep within you there's a drive to succeed. You just don't have any idea how those urges are going to manifest themselves into something. No experience I'm assuming. I moved to the Philippines where dating girls is at a much lower difficulty setting, that is how I got out of that rut.
>No experience I'm assuming
no experience in dating or succeeding in something?
I have some experience in dating but it is rather poor and revolves around being "the provider", nice friend who will get some attention when all other options are not there.
It's more than that, you are making a life altering decision and as such you'll need to go into deep introspection. Personally I started by analyzing every social interaction, noticing what was going on in the back of my mind, pointing out specific thought patterns that led me to hurtful areas in my psyche related to love and companionship.
After you identify most of your reoccurring offenders, you'll have to go into introspection once more to reason with them, make them understand that you have made up your mind about not harboring these feelings anymore. It gets tricky after that.
Bit the first part is why it's so important to make your decision a solid one. You cannot waver on this, or you'll be back to square one many times, maybe for the rest of your life.
You need to change how you behave towards women then. They will walk over you like that if you allow it. Believe it or not that alpha/beta stuff isn't just something you're born with, like the Chad meme will have you believe. There are so many variables with women, is she nice, do I want to hurt her feelings, do I want to help her, blah, blah, blah... But once you cut all that away it comes down to I want something from her, is she going to give it to me? No? Bye. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want either. You won't always get it. At first it feels awkward trying, getting rejected is the worst feeling at first, but after awhile you learn not to give a fuck. Once you finally get what you want it all makes sense, and love, sex, and relationships won't occupy a disproportionate amount of your mental space.
I want to clarify, the something you want isn't always just sex, that's one of the things, but time, emotional availability, a solid relationship, if you're not getting it put your foot down and get out. After that it's onto the next... Each failed attempt is a lesson learned, eventually it's so simple for you it's nothing.
>implying rogues have secrets
9-1 wins with rogue is a nice thing anyway.
thanks, that sounds helpful.
Just out of curiosity what were the main "offenders" for you? It might help me identify mine.
Thanks but right now I just see I am not what they want anyway, won't be their first choice so want to just stop caring (at least for a some longer time, to get my shit together in other areas).
That's beta as all fuck bro. Maybe you won't be someone's first choice at first. I sure as hell wasn't, I was whiny and stupid. But through experience, mostly bad experiences, I learned how to be the kind of guy that the kind of girl I want wouldn't be able to let go of. I went from "you're like a brother to me" to being in a great relationship that's about to end up in a marriage. Some people are born into a good situation, they'll be the first choice without making effort. People like us have an uphill battle to fight, but it's not hopeless.
Tried many things and improved over the years but it is just not happening right now for me.
I am actually seen as quite confident (and people did tell me so, or acted very surprised when I said I am not good in something, etc).
And I simply feel it takes up too much of my energy to care about it. energy that could be used for things like my education or career.
If there's no balance between your emotional life and your work/educational life you're going to be consumed by that deep void within you. There's nothing stopping you from installing Tinder or Badoo or some shit, having a long conversation with some girl when you have nothing else to do, then eventually changing the topic to sex. It doesn't take any self improvement, just will power. Think what you will right now, but the next time you're laying there bored and horny remember my words, that endorphin rush you're seeking is out there.
>what were the main "offenders" for you
The biggest one and, I think, the most common one in all of humanity is the victim complex.
You hear that term fairly often in anti-sjw rhetoric but it is never used to describe behavior amongst anti-sjw's own ranks. There's a reason why both SJWs and those against them find it so easy to join in on the crusade-like movement, and that is the fact that you feel anything the opposing team does is a personal attack, specifically meant to target you, the victim.
And the truth is victimhood feels great when you dig deep into your psyche. You're the underdog and as such everyone should be rooting for you, and those that aren't, well they can go to hell because they're the bad guys at the end of the day, right?
Defeating the victim complex will be a huge step in dealing with, not only the subject of your thread, but many other things in life. To defeat it, I followed my earlier advice of analyzing every time I wanted to feel like a victim, don't even try to stop it, just look at that feeling. Let it do its thing, watch it squirm and thrash. I did this many times to familiarize myself with my inner workings. Later on my mind, on its own, started trying to devise plans on how to get rid of such ugly squirmy feelings. Much later on, my victimhood seemed to crumble down like a house of cards.
My next offender was my pride, which I think is also an intrinsic part of every human being. Whether you like to admit it or not, every single one of us, from the ugliest most disgusting person to the beautiful ones sitting atop their ivory towers, holds some kind of prideful fixation on something very silly.
It is this pride that makes you fearful of certain social interactions, such as love, it makes you afraid of having your pride bruised by a rejection.
I'm still working on my pride, so there's not much I can talk about here.
I have a tinder for a year now (with some time period without using it, to be honest), spent a lot of time on it.
In most cases people stop responding out of nowhere, got 3 dates irl out of it: didn't work in any case (to be completely honest in case of 2, I wasn't very interested either but thats because every time only bottom of the barrel matches were interested in anything irl and I couldn't stand them after 1 date).
Yeah i'm not going to put my face on any social media site. It might be like a small thing for normal people but I want to be in control who has acess to my face and who doesn't.
I'm glad you think so. I'm just expounding on the basic tenets of stoicism. If you or anyone reading this finds there's a glimmer of hope in any of it, I encourage you all to look into classic stoicism, it makes for a great day-to-day philosophy.
Self pity is closely tied to victimhood.
I mentioned before, it feels great to be a victim because you get an imaginary (or otherwise, if you're a professional victim) cheering squad. The more you feel like the victim, the more cheers you'll get out of it.
Well self pity is a function of that feedback loop, it's its main dividends which you feed off of and reinforce the behavior and the belief that you're not to blame for your current situation.
Here's the thing though, even if you are the world's most victimized person, I'm talking Anne Frank's aborted rape fetus that somehow managed to crawl out of the death camp and into a harsh society that has no love left for your disfigured disgusting body, even if you're that blameless, you're still responsible for picking up after your own shit.
Sure, you'll find people from time to time that will take you under their wing. You are a charity case to them and a way to earn brownie points. No one in this world will look after you the way you can look after yourself. Everyone is selfish and selflessness doesn't exist. You may want to argue about the philosophical ramifications of these statements but that's just being indecisive, and up until now indecision has been your biggest enemy. Your second biggest enemy will be people that claim to want to help you but will only use you to feel good about themselves. I'm your second biggest enemy.
Self pity goes away with victimhood. As far as wallowing in your own shit, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that.
Thanks a lot this is really helpful.
>As far as wallowing in your own shit, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that.
I mean constantly putting yourself down, telling yourself how worthless you are. And instead of trying to break through that cycle you keep going on an on.
I'm not that guy, but it's important to remember that nobody else in this world is ever going to be as hard as you as you are on yourself. Once you realize this the rest of the world becomes less scary.
It depends on how cynical you actually are.
If you aren't 100% robotic and are still somewhat young then the totally unexpected can still happen.
My shitty anecdote is that I had my first and only gf at 24.
Ok. Logically, can you honestly say women are a source of lasting satisfaction and personal fulfillment in your life or a source of frustration, fruitless longing and suffering?
You know what the answer is. Use your frontal lobe for fucks sake and think rationally. Women are NOT there to help you, they are there for THEIR OWN GAIN.
This is all victimhood, you should look inwards to what causes you to tell yourself these things.
It may seem obvious to you right now why you would deem yourself worthless during your self pity sessions, but the truth is if you follow that train of thought to its origin you'll find yourself lost. This is where practice comes into play. Disregard the feeling of "obviousness" you get from trying to track down its origin and follow it for as long as you can. Keep doing this as many times as it takes until you find the true origin. You have finally solved one of the many shitty thoughts that have been plaguing you.
Following thought trains is in itself a very useful discipline, which you may know as meditation. I hesitate to use the term here because it seems this board has soured up to the concept, based solely on opinions from really lazy people.
As a discipline, anything you undertake repeatedly with the set goal of mastering it becomes a rewarding experience on its own and can help you feel better about yourself.
Discipline is the complete opposite, the rejection of laziness.
This, you have to remember that women are people too, like you are. It's far too easy for us as males to fall in the trap of thinking that women were made to serve as the ultimate goal, the princess, the mother of our children, the species matriarch. This is all bullshit fed to you from very early on during childhood and it's all a big fat fucking lie.
in my luckiest so far, I had 2 musters for battle, 2 truesilvers, bunch of op paladin cards and kel'thuzad as a cherry on the top
relationship =/= women
retard. I have a relationship with my computer that has lasted longer than any cunt i spent time and money on. you can date, sure, but men who make romance their aim in life are foolish as fuck.
Something greater than yourself. Of course love is there, you're human. But you are not your girlfriend, fugbuddy, wife... You are you. Women don't think like we do. Don't strive like we do. Aren't fulfilled by the same pursuits.
Many men I know are obsessed with it too, but I can agree that it is a bit different for women, especially with society we live in, where being wanted and love is something women should universally aspire to.
You ever hear the phrase "learn to love yourself before you love others"? It's pretty popular. Every time I hear it I get a headache. Then I get mad because it sounds like manufactured Hallmark bullshit. Like, this person spouting such trite words must not think much of me if they're going to feed me these lines, right?
The truth is, that concept is much harder to grasp than can be conveyed in the 6 to 8 words it has been condensed to.
To love yourself you must accept yourself as you are, but if you do that then you might as well give up on all your goals and hobbies. Basically all progress becomes stagnation under this radical new way of life, because you're already where you ought to be.
But that is a self serving fallacy. Maybe what they mean is to love yourself so much that you'd do everything in your power to succeed at everything. You'll eat well, go to the gym, excel in your career. Sounds more like what that phrase is trying to get at.
But what if you are an utter failure who can't surpass all the arbitrarily set goal lines? You keep failing, how can you love a failure? You can't. So maybe you should love yourself just enough that you'll forgive yourself for all your failings, and try to grab the dinner roll that fell off the table when no one was looking.
Validation is a big part of living in a society, everyone is hungry for it and we all cannot get enough of it. It is also a fiat currency, much like the paper money that replaced the gold standard of old. The key to loving oneself is realizing that there is a difference between outward validation and inner acceptance, and maintaining the balance between the fiat validation and the absolutely selfish love you have for your own life and survivability.
"To love yourself before others" then means that to live in this society, you must first look after yourself before you try to look after others, lest you drag that person down with you. It is a selfish piece of advice but one that rings true.