>>26134458 No they don't. That's a fabrication that has absolutely no scientific evidence supporting it. The only study that has come even close to supporting that claim only showed that males that take hormones have brains that aren't quite "completely male" but are still identifiable as "male taking hormones" rather than "female."
I have some psychotic disorder. I've been diagnosed at different times with psychotic depression, schizophrenia, bipolar 1 disorder, and schizoaffective disorder, all in the last 7 months. My symptoms started showing up about a year ago. Before that I was perfectly healthy, aside from some depressive and reclusive symptoms which were probably perfectly normal for me to go through given my life story. Who knows what the fuck's wrong with me. Been in and out of the hospital a couple times.
It's my guess that it's schizophrenia, because I display a lot of the negative symptoms and I hallucinate even when I'm not depressed or "manic". I put manic in quotation marks, because I've met people with mania in the hospital and my episodes were a bit different. It's my theory that what my doctor thinks was mania was actually just run-of-the-mill psychosis. But I'm not completely sure. I've never met a schizophrenic, so I don't know what it looks like. I added this schizo girl on Skype, but we're never online at the same time.
But seriously, all mental illnesses/disorder diagnoses describe everyone. It's not like there exists stuff out there that you can only experience if you have the correct mental illness. It's about the severity of the symptoms and what they're caused by. Can't concentrate in school? Well, is it because you find it exceptionally and mind numbingly boring? Then it's probably not ADHD (although ADHD can make it boring). Are you feeling really sad lately? Well, do you sit around in your room all day? Then there's your reason.
>>26134628 About half of schizophrenics don't go manic, if you look at fMRI data. Specifically, when you look for right-brain breakdown (some illusions, delusions, broken thinking) vs left-brain overactivity (hyperactive, hallucinations, the enhanced language/memory before they go bananas) about 100% of schizos have right brain underactivity, while only 50% have left brain hyperactivity. It's just a lot easier to see when someone's screaming and freaking out vs when they think that the post office reads their mail.
>>26134816 >The brain scan was the same regardless and much closer to cis female controls than cis male controls. You are completely wrong. That article says LITERALLY:
FtM transsexuals showed significantly larger volumes of the thalamus, hypothalamus, midbrain, gyrus rectus, head of caudate nucleus, precentral gyrus, and subcallosal area compared with the female controls. However, the female controls showed a significantly larger volume in the superior temporal gyrus including Heschl's gyrus and Rolandic operculum. These findings confirm that the volume difference in brain substructures in FtM transsexuals is likely to be associated with transsexualism and that transsexualism is probably associated with distinct cerebral structures, determining gender identity.
>>26134667 Do you even know how to read? The abstract does not match what you claimed at all even when you take into account that they're FtM instead of MtF. Again, they used FtM trannies who (this part is important) HAVE UNDERGONE SEXUAL REASSIGNMENT SURGERY. I repeat: UNDERGONE SEXUAL REASSIGNMENT SURGERY, a procedure that never, EVER happens without accompanying hormones. All it shows is that a brain on hormones is different than a normal brain. In order to even try and prove what you claim, they would have to start with MtF trannies that have never taken hormones before and compare brains with male and female controls. Every time a study does something similar to this, the tranny never has a brain structure that matches their claimed gender, EVER.
>>26134858 Swap cis male and cis female. Again, I said I mixed them up, The study supports the argument that transsexuals brains more closely resemble those of their gender identity.
>>26134886 Sex reasignment surgery for FtMs is a hysterectomy and a mastectomy, neither of which require HRT. Anyway I never claimed they were the same, just that they more closely resembled the opposite sex.
>>26135046 >>26135134 > One limitation of this study is that the conclusions are not generalizable to MtF transsexual subjects since we have not included a cohort of non-treated MtF transsexuals. In our population, a high percentage of MtF transsexuals start taking hormones without a physician's prescription before they contact our gender identity unit (Gomez-Gil et al., 2009a), and this precludes their inclusion in the present study.
>>26134748 Yeah, but that shows there's still 50% of schizophrenics who experience mania. I think that's what makes my diagnosis so tricky, I've read that schizophrenics go through episodes that are almost indistinguishable from mania. I definitely show symptoms of the right-brain breakdown, like I have delusions and my thoughts are sometimes complete gibberish, but I'm not so sure about the overactive left-brain activity. My thoughts are sometimes really cluttered, random, and ridiculous, especially during these episodes. During my bouts of madness I would turn into like a "lol penguin of doom so random!" 16-year-old girl, making up songs about spiders or deciding to go on "adventures" that felt very important, kinda like how weed/acid/shrooms make trips to the convenience store seem divine and extremely meaningful, or talking to hallucinations about feces or making hundreds of paper snowflakes to post all over my dorm's walls or stuff like that.
>>26135046 Something I should mention, that study uses a 3Tesla Diffusion scanner (DTI). Most "MRI" studies are really blunt, because they only show some spatial structure, and are lower strenght, like 1-2T. DTI's just produce more useful results because it's based on connections and shit, not just size.
>>26135308 So your argument, is that FtM agree with the theory that brains show cross-gender compositions, while it's difficult to get a large MtF population which hasn't taken hormones, means you're right that that transgenders don't show cross-gender compositions?
You're only pretending to be that retarded right?
Literally all I had to do was look: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022395610003250
Go ahead and find me DTI studies that don't agree with transexuals having the wrong brain.
The only thing you'll find is: http://cercor.oxfordjournals.org/content/21/11/2525
Which uses a weaker scanner 3 vs 1.5T, and doesn't use DTI at all. MRIs are known to not show connection differences in the brain AT ALL, and are imprecise enough that there can be differences in microstructure which just doesn't show up on MRI but does with better scanners.
>>26135534 So transsexuals have brains in between that of male and female? Doesn't that mean that they'll always be unhappy with their gender? Or can hormone therapy affect the brain's connections to be more girly/manly? If that's the case, couldn't they just take testosterone/estrogen-type medication that corresponds to their natural sex (i.e., males who want to be females take testosterone, while females who want to be males take estrogen) so they don't have to go through expensive and potentially damaging surgery? Wouldn't that be less stigmatizing for them too, because they don't have to worry about "passing" or fitting in with society or the violence regularly perpetuated against trans individuals?
I'm not transphobic, I'm just curious. It seems from the results that there's either no solution, and trans people will always be unhappy, or there's potentially a much better solution. I wonder if there's ever been medical trials on trans people, where they took their natural sex's corresponding hormone instead of the opposite sex's, and what the results were.
I don't want to be looked down on or be put away somewhere. I function just fine, my only weirdness is believing in some really weird shit and having some bizarre delusions that something is sending me messages and signs through the most random shit (like if I see repeating numbers)
I literally worship a star I saw as a kid because it gave me hope during the abuse
>>26135962 Why would I try to win at being denied medical care? I was just trying to showing that 8 months isn't as bad as some people. Gives you something to be thankful about, even if it's very tiny.
>>26136042 >42 >the meaning of life, the universe and everything
Like right there, my logical mind is saying "it's just a number", my mentally ill mind that takes over sometimes wants me to believe that this is the universe or whatever trying to confirm to me that my delusions are real
i'm sure i have some, but i can't trust anyone saying they have one,not even myself. there are so many special snowflakers who are just trying to look quirky and different its too easy to fake them to get a diagnosis even if its aspergers but not more serious ones like full on autism or schitophrenia
when i see these mental disorder threads all i c an imagin are normies behind the keyboards
autism tourretes probable temporal lobe epilepsy potential mental illness developing, possible shizo, might just be me looking too far into my symptoms. these symptoms could all very well be symptoms of my autism and tourretes (diagnosed) and my undiagnosed temporal lobe epilepsy
Why can't we just get actual treatment? It doesn't seem like much to ask. I instead got forwarded to some "online CBT". I assumed I'd be speaking to someone via text or voice chat but it turned out to be some fucking robot voice giving advice after you logged in, no human contact at all. I felt so angry and devalued.
>>26135911 Before treatment, FtM show more distinctly as males. MtF show up as in-between.
With hormones, their activity and neural densities more look like what we'd expect of that gender.
In theory, it would be more likely that MtF could be re-aligned, but since we're talking about neural connections that exist even under the right hormones, there's no way we can really expect to correct their brain outside of surgery or implants that redirect activity (yes there are brain implants to connect areas better, it's pretty fun).
Currently, trans people are usually suicidal and/or try to overact in the sex they look like "to see if it will fix them". You could imagine it like a robot pretending to be a normalfag. If you give them the hormones, they feel more appropriate, and if you give them the surgery, a large amount of their body issues go away. There's a reason they want people to take like two years to see if it's a good fit, because you really, really, don't want to have to reverse it.
I have suspected asperger's. I've already been to 4 different doctors this year and I have an appointment with neuropsychologist somewhere next month. I'm planning to go back to school and set my life straight, but first I need to know what the fuck is wrong with me.
>>26136316 Not enough trained professionals to go around. You would hope at least it's because they spend a lot of time working with the patients once they actually do get seen. I'm worried it's not like that and instead rush you along to see the next one.
Who referred you for CBT? I thought for a diagnosis you needed to see a psychologist.
>>26136427 I didn't get referred, I asked my Doctor due to a court order that I seek mental help. He put me on the list but said it would be a LONG time before I got any help. and gave me some SSRIs. I agree that we simply don't have enough staff. We either need more funding or to stop our crazy population boom (fuelled by immigration). God forbid corporations can't produce enough wage slaves! Better ship some in if the naughty locals don't feel like fucking enough.
>>26135798 You can still do CBT yourself, yaknow. The guy who invented CBT wrote a very good book on it called Feeling Good, and it comes with activities and exercises you can do yourself.
I'm gonna read it again to help with my schizophrenic symptoms, because I find it so easy to spend all day in bed not doing anything. I used to think I was depressed, but then the hallucinations/delusions came and I started reading about schizophrenia as a possible diagnosis. Apparently it has what are called negative symptoms, like loss of motivation, muteness, social seclusion, and poverty of thought, and that's what I've been experiencing all this time. I wasn't really ever sad or pessimistic or negative like patients suffering from depression are, I've just always been kinda... not there.
It's like I don't have the spark of life that most people do. I feel no attachment to reality, and I prefer to believe in my own elaborate fantasies instead. I don't have any long-term goals or ambition and I have very little desire for social interaction. I'm way too content with how I'm living right now, which is me lying in bed all day browsing 4chan and forgetting to eat or shower and talking to people who aren't there and writing up crazy theories in my journal.
It's hard to make friends, even online, because my illness makes me basically autistic. I don't ever know what to say during conversations, so they're always awkward and filled with silences. I'm getting a little better with it, because I've been practicing with my roommates. We lived together in the same dorm, and so I was like basically forced to open up to them very slowly. Now I can fill the silence with lots of questions, which might seem a little awkward still but it's better than saying nothing. I never approach anyone or start conversations, so most of my friends are pretty extroverted and talkative.
>>26136480 Thanks anon, but don't you need a diagnosis of something for CBT to be effective? I wouldn't want to buy a copy of the DSM and start freaking myself out with a bunch of self diagnoses. >>26136540 I did. I told him all about both my homicidal and suicidal urges but was sent home and told to talk to my GP.
>>26136384 no you dont, because aspegers doesnt even exist anymore. it get retconned into autism spectrum disorder because their were no difference, some "normal" autists could be "le high functioning" meme and not all aspies are high functioning
>>26136190 >>26136248 >>26136480 Isn't it weird how schizophrenia is nearly indistinguishable from autism? I mean I've always suspected I had a case of the 'bergers, then I started showing psychotic symptoms and was eventually diagnosed schizophrenia. It makes you have very strong interest in things people would think are weird, it makes you unable to talk (everyone in high school thought I was mute), and social cues are nearly impossible to pick up on unless they're really obvious.
>>26136561 Nope, you don't need a diagnosis and it doesn't have to be used for any specific mental illness or even any mental illness at all. All you need are negative, unhealthy thoughts that you'd like to get rid of. It teaches you to think critically during moments where you feel you can't get out of bed or where you're telling yourself you're worthless or where you're feeling very suicidal. It can even help you if you're psychotic by telling you if your hallucinations aren't real or if your delusional thinking is irrational. It's helpful all over the board, no matter what you're gonna get diagnosed with.
What sorts of symptoms are you having? I have my own personal experience with several mental illnesses as well as meeting many people with their own mental illnesses in the hospital, so maybe I can help you.
>>26134012 I hear voices in my head telling me to kill thousands of people. I have also had terrifying hallucinations and heard noises that aren't there. I once saw a demon come come into my home, it looked exactly like a grey alien. I take antipsychotics and have to monitor myself incase I start developing any strange or worrying patterns of behaviour that'll lead me to doing something stupid.
>>26136726 I don't want to be admitted to a hospital really, I'd rather just stay out until I do something drastic. It's a last resort for me, I couldn't handle the shame. Not to mention neglect is rife in mental hospitals.
diagnosed SPD have some other psychotic tendencies too but I mostly keep them in check I think NEET but I dont think I can get the bux unless I degenerate further into psychotic patterns but obviously I prefer otherwise
>>26137067 It started when I was 20, and I'm 21 now. I went through a period where I was abusing a lot of different drugs, especially dissociatives, and they'd make me have these psychotic delusions of religious grandeur. I'd believe I had this great divine destiny to help humanity ascend to the higher level of consciousness that I was in, and I thought I could directly "feel" God, who was this power that made up the entire universe and more. Eventually I stopped all drugs except kratom (a very, very mild opiate, it's only a drug the way caffeine is a drug). Everything was fine for a while. Then all of a sudden over the summer, I started hearing voices and having conversations with people only to open my eyes and see that they weren't real.
I decided to see a doctor and he thought I had really bad depression, so he put me on an anti-psychotic and an anti-depressant. After a month of that, all of a sudden, he pulled me off both meds with no taper because one of them was giving me urinary retention. That very night, I started feeling extremely high without any drugs. It felt like I was on some kinda stimulant, because I was unable to keep still; was very talkative; kept going out for really long walks; kept getting these impulsive desires to leave the city and move somewhere new; felt absolutely unstoppable, like nothing could hurt me; hallucinated all these crazy things; had racing, uncontrollable, and random thoughts and my train of thought would curve every which way, going off on dozens of tangents; and started to get the religious delusions again, this time much more intense than ever before. I know it sounds very much like mania, that's why I'm not sure if I do have bipolar or schizoaffective. My episode lasted about a week, and it stopped almost immediately once I was put on anti-psychotics again.
ADHD-C, Depression and anxiety. God it sounds like I'm a fucking Tumblrett but it's hell.
I've done SSRI medication for the anxiety and it worked for a while but the side effects were too counter-productive (weight gain.) I've stopped taking them since 3 weeks ago.
The dexamphetamine tablets work like magic for the ADHD but it's a problem when I run out (like right now.) When I'm in public I get very disoriented because I have (figuratively) a thousand thoughts and I'm anxious at the same time. I tend to stumble in my movements and walk into random places without even realising it.
I feel disconnected from everyone, it's hard for me to relate to people and make new friends (I only have a very small amount that I hardly talk to anyway.)
It really is all my fault though. I'm in complete control of my thoughts yet they overcome me.
>>26138373 >violently strangling friends and family members to death >watching as they gasp for air, begging me with their eyes to stop >slowly sawing through my best friend's neck >very carefully cutting the veins in their neck from top to bottom
Just that kind of thing. For me it's not even completely about hurting them, though. I've always been obsessed with power. Even thinking about doing something like in the greentext above gives me a feeling of euphoria.
>>26138523 This happens to be too. Often I see things start moving in the corner of my eye but when I look directly at it, it's normal. Likewise, especially when I'm high, I start thinging things in the corner of my eye that just aren't there.
I also hear my people calling me when no ones even home.
>>26138130 >>26138237 What happened during your psychotic episodes? If you got any delusions what were they? Did you feel like you had a lot of energy during these episodes, did they make you really impulsive and want to do weird things that followed the delusions? I'm trying to decide whether I've gone through psychosis or psychotic mania. I also like hearing stories about psychosis, because I find it reveals very interesting parts of the human psyche. I think delusions are just very exaggerated versions of thought patterns that guide neurotypicals every day. A neurotypical might be scared of doing something because some higher being is judging him, a psychotic might think the FBI is tapping all his wires and trying to catch him doing illegal things.
You also see its influence on cinema and literature. Think of the entire "body horror" genre of horror, and you'll notice that it touches a special part of human fear. And then you'll realize it's a very common delusion to feel like something in your body is wrong or that you have an illness or that you're filled with parasites or being poisoned. So this fear is an innate part of our brains, running underneath our consciousness and guiding our actions. It ranges from wanting to clean your apples for fear of pesticides to hypochondria, where you're seeing signs in your everyday bodily processes that you've got an illness and you start worrying about them, to full-blown psychosomatic delusions, where your extreme fear actually makes your body react in a way corresponding to an illness. This is just one example, and I think if you examine each kind of delusion you'll find that they're present in neurotypicals' every-day lives. Something's just wrong with my brain. I have an illness that makes these mental algorithms, which are there to help humans survive and thrive, run out of control.
>>26138740 Are you diagnosed? I'm diagnosed with autism, but I'm 95% sure I'm actually developing schizophrenia because of these things, and the fact that my grandfather had it. I'm pretty paranoid too and it's only getting worse.
yep. All this started with a liking for s&m, in which I am the one that dominates. This eventually became a rape-like fantasy, and now it's just full blown murder. lel. I'm wondering what it will become next.
Do you ever seriously consider acting out your urges? With schizophrenia I have had doctors ask if I want to harm people and sometimes I say: yes. I have only had counselors respond by asking what my urges are and giving me new medication. As long as there is no definite plan to hurt someone you can say anything you want.
>>26138988 It's kinda weird, I want to know what's wrong with me so I can get the best help for me, but I find it impossible to tell these things to people, because I'm afraid they'll think I'm totally crazy even though I probably am exactly that. I know that I'm just being paranoid, but I can't get myself to tell anyone. It sucks.
>>26138825 >delusions Thinking people I knew were into occult things and cursing me since I was a baby, a Chad wanting to kill me for trying to be assertive with a girl, thinking I was already dead or not existing, thinking there was a parasite in my brain controlling me. >lot of energy Yup, it was hard to sleep I was so wound up >impulsive Yup, I ran out of my mom's car and randomly rode the bus around town and started smoking and wanted to be homeless
>>26137674 Do you think the drugs were related or do you think this could have developed regardless. I say this because I avoid those kind of drugs because it fucks my shit up. I think I have the brain chemistry waiting for something like drugs to set it off and make me go crazy too.
Thanks for sharing anon. Hope you feel better soon
4chan internet surgeon here. I am willing to do brain surgery on any schizos in this thread. There is a 1% chance I will make your symptoms better by removing the schizophrenic part of your brain. If I fuck up I will just slit your throat or stab your heart with a scalpal so it's win win.
>>26139253 Good, I'm not the only one who's wanted to live as a homeless nomad when I was psychotic. It must be typical of psychosis. Maybe that's why witches, prophets, and seers, people who would probably be diagnosed with something in our modern age, tended to travel a lot.
>>26139374 One statistic I've read is that only 50% of identical twins have schizophrenia if their twin has it. You would expect it to be a lot more, if it was primarily a genetic illness. So that shows that environmental factors play a huge role in schizophrenia's development. Staying away from drugs is probably a good idea. Lots of schizos use drugs as a coping mechanism, and they give some short-term relief but in the long-term are very damaging. I still use hallucinogens every now and then, and I find it helps me become more comfortable with hallucinations if I'm able to control them. It also helps that I'm seeing them while I'm feeling chemical euphoria. It's like a trained response; you give rewards to encourage behavior, in this case being comfortable with my hallucinations. But anyways stay away from drugs, keep good care of yourself (proper diet, etc.), try exercising, and try to find a healthy outlet when you're under a lot of stress.
But as for whether I personally would have contracted it, I really think I would even without the drugs. I was displaying a lot of the negative symptoms since the beginning of high school already, which resemble autism in that you're nearly mute, can't pick up on social cues, have few thoughts or emotions most of the time, and find that empathy or relating to others is difficult. Those signs are usually the first symptoms you get, so it might be cause for alarm if you're experiencing them. I know most robots have some level of these symptoms, but I'm talking having them be so severe that it's clear to everyone something's wrong with you and having them affect your life very negatively, making relationships almost impossible.
>>26139865 I ran out of room so I didn't elaborate on it, but I want to now because it's really important. When you're feeling stressed, you really need some healthy ways to control it. You should have some kinda creative interest, even if you're not good at it; a hobby or two that gives you pleasure and satisfaction; and a healthy support network to turn to when you need to vent. 4chan is not a healthy support network, don't even try to consider it as one. Your network could just be some online friends if that's all you can get. But anyways, it's during these moments of stress that the illness starts to pop up. My first psychotic episode came when I was on the verge of homelessness. My second one started this Christmas, when I couldn't spend it with family, I was worrying about rent again, and I had just found out I was in danger of dropping out of school.
>>26139959 I've tried shrooms, mescaline, LSA, ketamine, MXE, MXP, and DXM. I really wanna try ayahuasca next, I feel like it'd be very healing. I don't know if I'd recommend any of these substances to someone with schizophrenia. Dissociatives especially can trigger a psychotic episode. But oh, are they so wonderful. I long for MXE the most, it was the perfect drug, but it got banned in China so the world's production of it got halted. There's only a few sources now, and they might be passing off completely different substances as MXE. MXE is very dangerous to me (it's made me psychotic nearly every time I've done it), so it's probably a good thing I don't have access anymore.
>>26140003 Not enjoy, so much as feel comfortable with it.
>>26134012 I don't even know if this is mental illness but I'm constantly fighting a second "mind" inside of my head who constantly throws bad thoughts at me that I desperately try to repress and hide from, it's lead to some pretty weird delusions such as I believing that I have the superpower to control my own brain chemistry, or that I exist in a higher state of free will than the average person I have the power to control how I think whereas everyone else is a preprogrammed robot. I also have/had some weird tendencies as constantly flicking my wrist in series of odd numbers, writing back to front (even on school work which caused a lot of problems for me) and hiding behind doors for fear of an undefined nondescript force draining my levels of free will. This is alongside some bizarre mental practices I had to which involved engaging in heated mental arguments with myself for why I was still worthy of my powers and why I am still capable of achieving my goals.
Eventually, if the sensations became too much I had to turn to self harm or outloud screaming and begging to an undefined power to keep myself together or otherwise I burn out and suffer mental fatigued for a couple of days. While I discovered that self harming relieved the overwhelming feeling, I went from an A* student to a C. Fortunately I found a solution just in time for my final exams and com
Although I've never believed in that any of these outlandish thoughts were real, I still felt (and feel) as if they are real on an emotional and intuitive level. I've never told anyone about these thoughts to this level before and likely never will. I experience some other odd behaviors as well, such as moderate paranoia, suicidal ideation and fear of abandonment, although these aren't nearly as severe as the rest of the symptoms.
>>26140292 Well, I wasn't diagnosed with schizophrenia until very recently, because I was diagnosed with a few other things before that. But to answer your question, I had about a year of trying drugs and exploring the mental realms as a wannabe psychonaut (which is not a good idea, I'm still not completely convinced but I get this feeling there's nothing to be found down that rabbithole). Then there was a period of a few months where I wasn't doing any hallucinogens or showing many symptoms, and then I ran out of money so I got very depressed and started seeing/hearing things. A couple months after that is when I started seeing a doctor. Since then, I've done MXE and DXM a few times, but not to the extent that I once did. There's a thread on 420chan's dissociative board about schizos being attracted to that class of drugs for some reason, and I think it's interesting because they're psychomimetic, i.e. they make you show signs of psychosis. I don't believe it's as simple as "dissociatives caused their psychotic symptoms", I think something else is at play. Ketamine's going through trials as a treatment for bipolar disorder, which has a troubled but strong relationship with schizophrenia, so maybe dissociatives do help schizos with their symptoms.
Why do so many in this thread say they have bipolar disorder AND schizophrenia. If you have both it's reclassified as schizoaffective disorder. Or you may have bipolar disorder with psychotic features. You can't have both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia simultaneously.
>>26140891 I'm not sure what you wanna know about my experience with these drugs. Like I said, I've been having negative symptoms for a while. I found that the hallucinogens helped with them a lot, and I felt this renewed vigor for life and this desire to get lots of things done and this optimism about the wonderful gift of life. Dissociatives especially did that, because they give you an "afterglow", where you feel kinda hypomanic and your depression goes away. But they'd also make me psychotic, I would feel a special relationship with God and think I was a chosen prophet with great importance.
Since I've been diagnosed, I've only done DXM and MXE. DXM makes me have a lot of open-eye hallucinations, even when the trip is supposed to be over. It's made me delusional in this weird way, like I'd feel like I was a goddamn sentient tube without a human form or an alien with secret powers or something like that, and that weird psychosis usually lasted a whole day. It gave me a tiny one-day afterglow, but usually I'd still be a bit psychotic so it wasn't much help. I really didn't like DXM like I once did, because it just didn't have the same magic feeling I've had with it before. It just felt like an awful, dirty high. MXE has been much kinder to my illness, I just had a good time listening to music and closing my eyes, traversing huge closed-eyed universes or feeling the music wrap around my body and squeeze me with the most comforting warmth in the world. I still got the regular nice afterglow afterwards, and it lasted around a week. No problems with psychosis the few times I tried it recently, but like I said I've had trouble with it before so watch out.
>>26141017 I'm not sure how psychedelics would affect me now. I never had any problems with psychosis from them. I'd like to give them a try again, to see if they'd help me. My previous psychedelic trials were pretty nice, sometimes I got this overwhelming euphoria from them and they almost always elevated my mood and made me appreciate this opportunity to be a living, conscious being. They'd have a nice afterglow too, although not to the extent that dissociatives do.
I only had one bad trip while I was on shrooms, where I was stuck in like half a dozen separated time-cubes who couldn't communicate with each other and I couldn't control my body, so it started moving on its own accord. My hands were trying to take off my pants so I could jerk off, and I kept trying to stop them (I doubt I could even get a boner while I was experiencing such deep fear/anxiety) but I could only have momentary control over them. So that was really terrifying. I took an anti-histamine to stop it, and that helped calm me down a lot. I would recommend having a strong anti-histamine like doxylamine or maybe a benzo on hand if you're gonna try hallucinogens.
>>26141106 Back in September I think, I don't really remember. I've been staying away from DXM because it's very unpleasant for me, and MXE went away back in October or so
>>26141225 You gotta desperately scroll through pages and pages of the research chemical subreddits. The vast majority of production was in China, but then in early October the Chinese officials banned the substance and all the research chem labs were forced to stop making it. Right now there are a few labs in Europe that are continuing production, but they're very few and far between because most European countries have banned the substance too or have very strict drug manufacturing laws. The only source I've ever seen since October was a Dutch one. Their MXE was pretty cheap ($20 a gram), but to track the package it was like nearly $40 extra. I wouldn't ever order a package without some way of tracking it. Also, you have no idea if what they're selling is actually MXE. Research chem companies know how much it's in demand right now, and some shadier ones wouldn't be averse to selling some random PCP analog as MXE. Theoretically, there's some protection against that because user reviews will make or break any RC company in the long-term, but it's an easy way to make a quick buck.
If you're curious about any other specific substances, I can tell you my experience with them too. MXP is very, very similar to DXM, but it's much more lucid. You'll actually remember your trip, you won't get robolegs, and you can think very clearly and rationally. Sometimes you just wanna get fucked up though, so it's not for everybody. I wasn't able to hole on it.
>>26141324 Seroquil and Adderall at the same time? They counteract each other. What is your doctor doing? Also, Adderall and Zoloft could cause serotonin toxicity.
>>26141505 No, I don't really tell anyone about my drug use. I've admitted to one of my roommates that I've tried some drugs "in the past". It's not really something I want anybody knowing about.
>>26141743 I had a long-distance gf for a while, and at first I was very open with my drug use. I even tripped on MXE while I was in a Skype call with her, and it was so comfy and perfect. Eventually though, I was diagnosed and she started telling me that using drugs was very dangerous for someone with my condition. She was really worried about my daily kratom usage. So I just stopped telling her about it, then she started assuming that I wasn't using anything anymore, then that turned into outright hiding and lying because I was scared how she would react. I knew doing drugs was really bad for me, but I couldn't stop myself. Kratom became the only thing that could push me out of bed, and it numbed me to the extent that I could feel such horrible stress from my poverty and mental illness and I wouldn't even bat an eye. Opiates go hand-in-hand with mental illness because they make you unable to care or worry about anything. You'll find that nearly all homeless people are mentally-ill users. You lounge around all day, not eating or showering or even jerking off, and it feels nice because your brain's pleasure center is being stimulated to make you think you're accomplishing something, anything, when in reality you're doing nothing at all.
I'm trying to be more open with her now that we're apart, and it's making me wish I didn't hide it from her because she's been really understanding and non-judgmental. But I guess part of the reason I hide it is because I'm not ready to face or even acknowledge my substance addiction. I'm too ashamed. So even knowing she won't judge me, I'm still reluctant to talk about it.
It would be really nice to have a fellow psychonaut gf I could trip and try different substances with. I have one friend who's a little into drugs, so I wanted to ask her to trip-sit me and see how she reacts. I probably need a trip-sitter for an ayahuasca breakthrough, but then I don't want her to see me barfing.
never been to a psych, but im interested if anyone else gets this i always feel incredibly uncomfortable eating food that other people have made and especially drinks they've poured for me
for almost all of my childhood i didnt let my parents pour drinks for me because i thought they were going to poison me like, i loved my parents and trusted them for everything else, but i would get this intense fear that any drink they poured me had poison in it to the point that i would actually feel physically ill drinking them and sometimes forced myself to throw up in case there was actual poison
i'm super underweight to this day because i skip meals constantly
>>26142299 I don't think it's too much of a pain, you just need to get some Syrian Rue (you can buy that on Amazon) and some kinda DMT-bearing plant. The DEA has shut down many Mimosa hostilis sellers, but there's many, many other plants that have DMT. You can buy them on Etsy. You could also just buy powdered DMT on the DNM and swallow it with the Syrian Rue, some Harmala extract, or some other MAOI. That's called pharmahuasca, and it helps curb the nausea. Some people say it's not as "natural" or healing, but they're chemically identical experiences so that's probably just hippie placebo. But there is a difference in that there's no "purge" (i.e., puking your guts out in a bucket), and some people say that's an important aspect of the experience.
>>26142389 She's all the way in another country. I guess I could have a call with her, but she wouldn't be able to do anything except call the cops if something went wrong.
>>26142424 Like I said, I don't want to face it. Kratom isn't a life-ruining drug, and I can go without it whenever I want. I haven't even used in like a couple weeks, and I didn't go through withdrawal and I haven't had any cravings at all. It's been an okay experience. But just logically, I feel like I need that crutch. It could've been a great experience if I had kratom, you see. And I've had a taste of stronger opiates, I could see how they would completely ruin my life. I'm trying my hardest not to go down the path of "this opiate leads to that opiate leads to sniffing heroin leads to injecting dope every day".
I think you missed my point. I was pointing out that you were fine with giving up a girlfriend who cared about your health for an imaginary unhealthy "psychonaut" gf because you are in denial about your drug habit.
You shouldn't date your ex anyway if you were hiding drugs from her but my point is you're making unhealthy choices. Why do you do that to yourself?
>>26142761 My ex is in another country. We didn't break up because of my drug abuse, there were many other problems with our relationship. We were very unhealthy for one another, because our mental illnesses would make us hurt each other and we'd argue all the time. And I'm not trying to date my friend, she's not really my type. I just think it'd be nice to have someone who could be here physically to make sure I don't do something stupid, and I also figure it would just be fun to trip with someone, whether they're a friend or a gf. Having someone to encourage my drug abuse is definitely a bad idea, you're right.
I make unhealthy choices all the time, because I don't care about myself. There's no voice in my head that says "take care of yourself". As an example, I haven't eaten in two days because I just don't feel the need to. Schizophrenia traps me in this cage of empty feelings. I don't feel hunger, I don't feel happiness, I don't feel sadness, I can barely feel anything. When I do feel emotions they're really psychotic and painful, and they make me do crazy shit like walking out into a blizzard. So I just don't make good choices for myself. The only way I've ever found out of this mental prison is drug abuse, and I don't think about the long-term damage because I can only focus on now.
My doctor thinks I need to get a caretaker to force me to eat and shower and all that. Maybe I do need one. I'm completely unable to care for myself. I feel bad blaming all this on my illness, but I don't know how any sane person would ever choose the life I'm leading. They would be deafened by all the mental alarms telling them that it's unhealthy. I don't have any of those alarms, it's all just silence.
>>26143412 I know I should, just thinking about that reminded me so I'm going to eat some apples. I eat so little that I can't very much without feeling lots of nausea, so I only eat little snacks.
I never relied on her to mother me, because she couldn't get me to take care of myself either. Ever since this illness really started to take hold of me, I've just been unable to care for myself and nobody, not even my therapist or doctor, has been able to change that.
I feel too ashamed to tell you exactly what I did. The gist of it was that, when things went wrong, I'd be triggered into having these psychotic episodes where I was arguing with hallucinations and I'd be really agitated, frustrated, and self-destructive. They'd make me do really stupid shit, like my previous example of when I walked out into a blizzard. I don't know how to control them. I haven't had one since I've been put on a high-enough dose of my meds, so maybe it won't be a problem for me anymore.
I wish the meds helped me with the emptiness, but they only seem to treat my psychosis. I guess I need to find a therapy that works for me. My therapist told me I need to make long-term goals, and that short-term actions would naturally follow. But I just don't see anything working out for myself, and I don't think I have much to look forward to. I only forsee this illness getting much worse, and it making me have to drop out of school and be unable to get a job. Everyone in my family has high expectations of me, so I'm sure it would disappoint them a lot. All I can think of is that potential disappointment, and it makes me hate myself for who I am.
>>26134012 anyone see things once in awhile? It's not like everyday, but today when I was sitting in the kitchen eating ramen I swore there was a cat that we didn't have was looking at me, and once in awhile I'll see like a person/shadow just out of the corner of my eye.
>>26143786 All you people "seeing things in the corner of your eye" really need to take a huge fucking dose of nature's best anti-psychotic: a chill pill. Everyone sees things in the corner of their eye, especially shadows or people. Talk to me when you start having arguments with people you know, only to mention it to them later and find out it never happened. Talk to me when those "shadow people" you swear you've seen are right in front of you, lunging at you to grab you, and you're barely able to switch the light on and make it go away before it drags you to the bowels of hell. Talk to me when you're seeing fucking spirits everywhere and you can feel their warmth when you push your hand inside them. Those things were so fucking real, I'm still not entirely convinced I wasn't just straight-up possessed by demons. There's probably nothing wrong with you. Your brain is absolutely primed to sense patterns in the visual information your eyes give it, and sometimes it incorrectly senses a pattern that's not there. That's why people see faces on the Moon. It's only when your brain starts creating sensory information from nothing that it becomes a hallucination.
>>26143995 yes your hallucinations are worse personally im inbetween normie hallucinations and your hallucinations, no real entities yet or tulpa like things yet, hopefully never. in the dark i see things that arent there, mostly just a flashing light
>>26143746 >I just don't see anything working out for myself >I don't think I have much to look forward to >I only forsee this illness getting much worse > it makes me hate myself for who I am >psychotic episodes where I was arguing with hallucinations and I'd be really agitated, frustrated, and self-destructive
It sounds like you have low confidence and low ability to control emotions. Your therapist sounds like a smart guy. Maybe your goals could be confidence and emotion control.
Been clean about a decade now, but hoo boy was it bad. I lived through that nightmare and made it out the other side as a perfect normie.
I still live in fear that it'll come back under the right environmental circumstances. I get a little smirk whenever one of my professors tells us we could never understand the plight of the schizophrenic.
Full autism, aspergers, clinical depression, severe anxiety, and dysgraphia
Also heart conditions, pes cavorus, carpal tunnel, and much, much more.
Does anybody else randomly shake a bit? Like especially when people are walking past you? I can't control it at all and it just happens, but only in public and most of the time when people walk past me
I've been diagnosed with a long list of shit, but psychiatristy is extremely corrupt. There's only a few things I actually know I have, HPPD, DP/DR, and PTSD. The derealization fucks with me bad, but hppd is pretty cool. Anyone who said watching paint dry sucks clearly hasn't fried their brain.
>>26144309 Anon meds only make it worse in the long run. You've fallen for the psychiatric Jew. The only thing you can get prescribed that will help is benzos and the tolerance to those increases so much that you either buy extra or just never feel it again. If it weren't for benzos and speed there'd be no reason to ever go see a psych. "Chemical imbalance" is bullshit, nobody gets their brain scanned before getting a script for whatever pills Dr. Goldberg wants to sell you.
>>26135733 No i have all this shit. Most of its controllable.
>bipolar rapid cycling pretty fucking awesome being manic. Im obnoxious to other people but I get tons of shit done. The depression part sucks but it goes away.
>ptsd mostly a mental thing where I have to sit and sorta talk myself out of freaking out. Avoid scenarios that remind me of stuff, keeps a lot of it away. Weird shit will trigger me sometimes into a panic attack. Once I was cleaning out the art room at college, and all this red paint got on my forearms and hands and I freaked and washing it off made it worse. It reminded me of when Id carve into myself in the shower and my arms would be covered in blood. I didnt even say anything to anyone and just left for the day, went to my car and screamed a bunch in it and stuff and went home. I felt better.
>anorexia I used to be pretty bad and Id eat 400 cal a day and literally eat mustard/chicken/tuna. Over time I was eventually able to fight it and now I just want to puke and feel awful every time I eat but Im at least a normal person now sorta
>social anxiety >avoidant personality disorder This is easy. I just never EVER go outside. Never do anything with anyone. Never trust anyone. Never allow myself to be vulnerable in anyway. I avoid these scenarios and it keeps most of the feelings away. I mean I still feel awful and worthless and a loser even if I win contests or beat people in things. I won an award? Great. I wont be coming to a ceremony for it. Its just an excuse to hush the room, point at me, and throw a one liner at me, so you can make a spectacle of me
>paranoid personality disorder This one is harder. I just have to sorta deal with it. Sit in a certain spot. Thumb the knife in my jacket pocket. My room is a garage and completely surrounded by brick walls. My desk at the end of the room faces the door. My .38 is within arms reach. If I feel I could reasonably kill everyone around me, I feel fairly calm but Im still ready an ambush
>>26147408 >depersonalization disorder this one merges a lot with the gender stuff. Im barely starting to feel attached to my body with hormones. But most of the time I just feel like im playing some sort of video game and just controlling an avatar. It was really bad in my teens and I think contributed a lot to my self-harm because I was completely unattached to my body. I feel like im possessing someone and none of these feelings are mine but I experience them. I feel like some sort of mind control worm thats forgotten what it is and just lives inside its host. Other times I'll feel really detached and like im floating somewhere externally in the universe watching this body do stuff and I used to carve into myself so id feel a lot of pain and feel like im alive but then the endorphins would kick in and those feelings would go away. Then this bliss takes over and you depersonalize even harder but now its okay and it doesnt matter anymore.
>binge drinking I replaced most of my drinking triggers with self-mutilation. Got out of the meth house I was living in. Got rid of anyone around me whod constantly be drinking as well. Not having it staring me in the face helped a lot.
>self-mutilation I have control but I havent stopped. If I can avoid starting my routine, I can avoid hurting myself. Once I start my routine, its pretty much impossible to stop myself. Usually I try and force myself into doing something so Im too busy to hurt myself. I dont know how to stop myself in the moment. I get upset and I usually punch a brick wall or something. Ive broken my hand twice now. I usually hit myself like 30 times or something and Im sore and have bruises for a few days but it gets all that pressure building up and building up out of my system.
>>26147740 >non-24 hour sleep disorder I have no clue on what to do with this. Ive been using f.lux (a program that shifts the color of your monitor over time) and adjusting the coordinates every day so I can have a sort of simulated sun effect going on throughout my life. Its been 3 days since Ive adjusted and I was living like 8pm to 4am and now its completely wrong. I woke up at 11pm and now my schedule is all different. The past 3 days I slept about 2-3 hours every night which lead to this schedule. Its like I live in my own fucking separate universe from everyone else. I try to operate without sleep for days at a time or I hardly sleep at all or I sleep for 15 hours sometimes. My brain doesnt know what to do and it cant operate normally and everything goes to shit constantly. Being unable to sleep and tired makes every other problem I have a nightmare. The only way ive gotten around this is to work a job like 2 mins away from my house or the other option is I go to work like 7 hours early and park in the parking lot and sleep in my work clothes until I wake up brush my teeth in the car, spit with a water bottle and walk into work. Or I sleep in a parking lot. Everyone treats me like shit because I never do anything with them because im always asleep but Im actually usually awake like 5 hours more than everyone else, they are just almost always asleep when im awake so they miss the 8 hours I am awake. Then when my sleep schedule lines up with normal people's, they are like OH SEE ANON YOURE JUST LAZY. If Im asleep for like 2 hours they slam into my room yelling at me to wake up and stop being useless. I think about waking them up at 2am in the middle of their sleep and just cussing them out like they do me. Then forcing them to go to work oh wait they cant because the world doesnt work that way. They have no idea how I live. I feel like I could handle everything else if it wasnt this shit. My daily life is like a fucking isolation chamber sleep experiment.
Well, I display strong antisocial tendencies. The term 'Aspergers' has been thrown around by therapists, but I may just be weird. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Who hasn't been these days, though? I have mild auditory/visual hallucinations, as well as paranoid delusions, maybe due to liberal use of Methylphenidate. I've always had an aggressive and sometimes violent dissociative personality which causes me a lot of problems. I'm generally unhappy unless I'm taking Mirtazapine every night and popping Hydroxyzine Pamoate daily. Suicide seems like a palatable option to me most days. I was also diagnosed with ADHD, but I don't actually have it. I just lied to a local mental facility primarily for troubled youth when I was seventeen, so that I could be prescribed Concerta. I got up to 36mg easily, because they're eager to crank the pills out and take people's money. The best part is they keep bothering me about upping the dose for God knows why. Now I'm at 45mg. Anyhow, I trailed off. Moral of the story? Take advantage of local underfunded and shady mental facilities if you want drugs.
>>26141615 >explain, is it like the one i read about where he re-experiences certain memories, especially music? Temporal lobe epilepsy causes hallucinations, voices, epiphanies etc. It is thought that Joan of Arc may have suffered from this explaining her visitations and conversations with Jesus
What the fuck people, you can't just pick a whole bunch of shit to sound all "professional mental case". Schizophrenia and manic-depression have almost the same etiology and treatment. Your official diagnosis just depends on what symptoms are treated most urgently. Schizophrenics have mood symptoms, manic-depressives have psychotic symptoms; there is substantial cross-over. If you have either, you can shut the fuck up about all your other "disorders". Everyone always gets some selection of them; it's par for the course, and you can just fucking deal. I put the blame squarely on the United States and their DSM "Axis" bullshit that encourages psychiatrists to create a whole fucking hierarchy of psychiatric problems for each patient.
Personally, bipolar type I, mania comes with plain-old auditory hallucinations and paranoid delusions as well.
I know you. I've met you at every fucking support group. Self-diagnosis queen, professional victim, only interested in forming relationships with people broken enough to listen to you drone on about each and every one of your mental problems as you wallow completely self-absorbed in some imaginary communal pity.
>>26151364 >social anxiety >Ive met you at support group k other than therapists and doctors and brief interactions with my family, I dont think ive talked to another human being in the flesh in at least 2 years since my friend came over for thanksgiving and that was for like an hour.
They made me go to group in asylum but it didnt really matter cause I was manic and all I could think about was fucking all the cute anorexic girls and I just babbled a bunch of shit and got into a drawing fight with this schizophrenic guy who claimed he could draw a better invisible cloaked Predator than I could.
He won because they put his up and told me I was being retarded and threw mine away. It was bullshit.
Was diagnosed with aspergers at a young age, I wasn't that high functioning though as I managed to hide most of it and actually used to be pretty popular in high school (UK ages 11-16). Now I'm 18 and I think it's getting worse, I have become a lot more introverted and try my best to avoid any unnecessary social interaction, having to make eye contact with people gives me headaches that last for a while and I can't concentrate on what they're saying because all my effort I going into maintaining eye contact. After spending the majority of my adolescent life learning and copying people on how to "act normal" I just can't be arsed any more and just want to spend all my time inside in front of my computer where I don't have to talk to anyone or do anything that'll make me uncomfortable, all of my friends are normies anyway so I don't care about losing them because all they do is talk about where they went out partying and what crazy things they got up to and I just have to stand and laugh awkwardly because going out clubbing is my idea of hell and there is no way I would ever do it. I sometimes wish I had some robot friends to talk to about this shit but nah.
>Tfw keep yourself so tightly under control that people just think you're an eccentric intellectual >They think I'm just highly motivated and focused on my studies >Don't realise I'm in my room all day talking to myself and going through crazy moodswings and religious insights
>>26136073 Holy shit man, it's the same way with me. It's weird, I just read your comment and I thought "nah, it must be a delusion." Then I instantly looked at the time you posted this and it had 33 in it, which I see everywhere.
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