who /losing it/ here
>listen to music
>realize you've been writhing and flailing around on your bed for the last 3 minutes
That already happened in my mid teens. But then I've since spent the better part of a decade in my room.
>It begins when you question if you're actually in control
>slept for an entire 14 hours after staying awake for 103 hours.
>lay and stare at random objects for 30 minutes in room after finally waking up
>class is in 30 minutes or so
>work in a few hours
>questioning my existence
>questioning everyone's existence
>realise nothing holds your interests, and you'd rather die than have to go through a mediocre life
I wanna make it big or not at all.
>2 months till i turn 25
>NEET, never had a job, friendless
>living with parents who are sick of me
>no purpose in life, no meaning
Not much to hold sanity together.
But... how? I can't stay 12 hours awake and I feel like I'm about to die
>wake up from intense night terrors where I'm slowly severing my little sister's head while my hideously abusive parents and dead brother watch on screaming and trying to get me to stop, followed by another night terror where I'm fucking a horribly decomposed dead body that I can smell and taste until I get caught by the loved ones of the deceased who pursue me until they catch me and crush my windpipe and beat me to death
>wake up screaming, gf tries to quiet me so our roommates won't hear
>spend the next hour trying not to sob hysterically while I battle the almost overwhelming urge to tear her throat out with a pair of scissors laying right there on the desk
>finally get the nerve to go to work
>on the drive there constantly battle the urge to swerve into oncoming traffic and finally end it, or drive through every pedestrian and keep driving until someone catches me
>get to work
>spend the next nine hours obsessing over death and killing my coworkers
>have to grin and pretend that everything is fine, make small talk, appeal to my bosses and try to do my job in a timely fashion all while I am dealing with the unbearable need to slaughter everyone around me
>drive back home, same shit as from the morning only now I'm so tired I nearly get into an accident at least once
>get home, get on 4chan, try to distract myself from the doubt worming its way into my mind that I'm just lying to myself, that no matter how hard I try to lead a normal and decent life I'll always have to battle with these violent desires and I'm just lying to myself that I'll be able to control myself and that I'm a damned fool for thinking that I'm not a danger to anyone
>try to tell myself that I'm being delusional, that I haven't hurt anyone in years and have everything on lock
>see this thread
>make this post
>seriously considering going to the shooting range down the street and shooting myself
everything is fine OP
that's what I keep telling everyone
everything is just fucking dandy
my feel can basically be described with this post>>26035965
Not sure how i'm going to do in my second semester of university. I got straight A's last semester, but I think I'm going to ruin it with the classes this semester cause I drink and smoke way too much and it's causing my brain to get foggy
Who else /nearing the end/ here?
That doesn't sound good at all, make an appointment to see me anon
To expound expound upon this, daily I find myself suddenly being confused about why I am where I am, looking at others and seeing them as inhuman, then human, then inhuman. I've experienced derealization/depersonalization a few times and it was pretty interesting desu. I'm also experiencing some nice verbal tics which is always great. Racing thoughts when I'm trying to sleep which, while pretty common, is new to me.
I'm just hoping to finally have a full break from reality so that I can make a nice imaginary friend who I can perceive as real with all my senses.
I've had them occasionally since I was four years old, they got gradually worse until I was 15-16, then dramatically increased until I was 19-24. They are so intrusive that they'll interrupt my train of thought when I'm speaking, keeps me from doing schoolwork anywhere near the full extent of my abilities, distracts me from driving, makes consuming media feel like a chore because I'm so distracted... it's fucking ruined my life, man. In the dreams I'm usually really, really happy. it feels right. I can let go of all of my inhibitions and the constant strain that I feel during the day, all of the conflict is gone, I can do what I feel is right and not worry about the consequences. it's only when people turn on me and start pursuing me in the dreams that I feel the panic, paranoia and fear. if there were no consequences I would be very happy about it.
Pretty much the same for me. Verbal tics aren't from ocd just stress, but I do have weird tics like alternating flexing the right and left halves of my body and repeating the phrase "not gonna" silently in my mouth. When I was younger and had less of a lid on it, I'd do those for literally hours at a time until I got distracted or tore myself out of it
>move to US
>lose all friends, family, parents
>stuck in the middle of nowhere, with no car, no job, no college
>start to teach myself English by talking to myself
>realize this was the shittiest idea I ever had
>start to create a second personality inside of my head
>things start to get out of control, I start arguing with myself while chainsmoking and walking around the house aimlessly, looking at the ceiling and floor.
>my other me is trying to almost kill me poisoned by alcohol, drinking entire bottles of vodka in the span of 10 minutes or less.
>start to mix both languagues together and it doesn't even make sense to me anymore, it just sounds like dislexya.
I don't even know how it got to this point, or how the fuck I am still alive.
>sore throat all day
>go to sleep
>shitty as fuck
>suddenly start salivating extremely
>with mucus too
>can't stop swallowing what seems like liters of my own saliva
>can't stop producing more and more
>stay awake for 5 hours after I'm supposed to sleep because midterm tomorrow (today)
>still swallowing like fucking crazy
>in delirious swallowing dream, still awake though
>in my dream my friends tell me it is I who is creating the spit. Not the throat or anything, but my conscious self
>"wake up" from non-dream dream
>realize it's true
WHAT THE FUCK SENPAI JUST FUCK MY SHIT UP
For the first time ever I feel like my body has betrayed me and turned against me. If this gets progressively worse I'll just kill myself because it's the worst feeling ever
>go to school
>don't let the fact that your youth determines your entire future get you down
>repeat for first 20 years of life
>study as hard as you can and get outsourced by someone better than you anyway
>Even if it's a job you really enjoy, you won't have most of your life that isn't servitude to one person or another
>Eventually die alone
Is this insanity? Or is the world insane?
Is this insanity? Is this what it feels like?
I am living with a couple who I THINK are my parents or some kind of long distant family, problem is that I don't understand a single word that they speak, so they just leave me alone in my room, and my income is from the military.
>catch a glimpse of my reflection
>get startled because I remember that I'm a person and not just a collection of thoughts
Perhaps you are happy in your dreams because doing the act will mean the thoughts won't bother you anymore? Like having an annoying piece of work to do and the satisfaction that comes from completing it. I would reccomend cutting your social media accounts, my life bettered when I did that anyway. Would you say you became more stressed which is what caused the dreams to increase in frequency?
>gf tries to quiet me so our roommates won't hear
Honestly I wish you fucking normies that have your perfect lives would leave us be.
she's an extreme, suicidal masochist who wants to be tortured to death one day. being with me is like a promise that she'll get what she wants most one day. not only that but when I'm not obsessing over death and murder I'm a very nice, selfless person with a good work ethic, ambition and lots of interests. If I wasn't so mentally ill I'd be capable of doing great things, it's a fucking travesty.
> the thoughts won't bother you anymore?
that's exactly it. when I act on it, the thoughts temporarily disappear and I get the quiet that I'm so desperate for.
I don't have any social media accounts, never have.
the dreams definitely get worse when I'm stressed, but I'm always stressed so it's hard to tell when it's really worse.
somewhere out there is a girl who fetishizes KHV robots. it's up to you to find her. I spent the first 23 years of my life alone, who's to say that you can't do better?
Whoops, didn't mean social media. Perhaps cutting media in general? Not looking at the news and seeing terror attacks all the time can't be good for the mind. Do you take any ssri's/ see a psychiatrist or psychologist?
as someone naturally detached from the world, I find it easy to not stress out/ refocus
If I were anyone else, I'd sacrifice intelligence and ambition for peace of mind/ zen level-headedness
I'm not making it any better; seek out ways to stop being so tense, educate yourself. It's an imbalance of brain chemicals, not an inherent flaw in character.
I severely limit my exposure to media, to the extent that I tend to be behind on major events unless someone at work tells me about them. I do consume a lot of anime/manga/literature/movies/cartoons/etc. that are violent because they're one of the only safe outlets that I have... SSRI's make me worse since I have bipolar disorder, but I do take several medications and see a psychologist and a psychiatrist on a regular basis. they're trying their hardest to help me but they say what I really need is a forensic psychiatrist and there's no one in my state who isn't a quack that can help me out. it's a really shitty situation.
believe me senpai, I battle with that every single day. it's been years since I last hurt anyone and I am pretty sure I'm safe right now... there's a lot of safety measures in place to lock me up if I show signs of snapping again.
but if I do, and if there's nothing to stop me, and if I have nothing to lose, you bet your sorry ass you'll be hearing about it.
do you have any recommendations for specific ways to educate myself? I have a bookshelf full of books on CBT, DBT, mindfulness, PTSD management, bipolar disorder, sleep issues, and sex therapy, not to mention the year I spent with a Buddhist monastery as a teenager learning how to meditate (which did me no good). if it is a problem with how I think that can be managed, how do you suggest I manage it?
this is a feel that I know
>get completely lost in thought for some amount of time
>forget I exist, experience near ego death
>come back into reality by some fuck asking for a pencil
Do you have any preconceived notions of the world or how people portray you
Are you still concerned about your outward appearance/ fitting into society in some way
Are you able to trust people/ be vulnerable to others, even those with more power than you?
>spend hours on end in a fantasy world all day
>everything in my life triggers me going back to it, especially music
>constantly zoned out from everything
>life feels like a series of small interruptions from my fantasy world
>been like this for the past 5 years
does the ride ever end?
This is satire, right? Very edgy either way.
Some of my favorites are Gegege no Kitaro, Fullmetal Alchemist, Monster, Innocent, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, anything by Junji Ito, Franken Fran, Yotsuba, Crayon Shin-Chan, etc.
how about you?
I am a very, very bitter and hateful person with an immature and undeveloped view of the world despite having a lot of experience. I think that people perceive me as an immature laughingstock, that they're afraid of me because of my actions but simultaneously don't respect me because of them, that they only want to use me and manipulate me towards their own ends. I'm extremely concerned with how I appear towards others, and becoming a healthy, regular, productive member of society is pretty much my main goal. I can't trust anyone, have major paranoia that everyone is out to use me or get me, especially people that have power over me.
I feel like a pathetic worm typing all this out. being 100% honest with you
>Talk to myself almost all day via inter monologue
>Listen to music 24/7 to block out the silence
>No friends close to me
>My girlfriend tries to keep me sane, she tries her best
>Wants to mother my children, I just wanna hang myself to save her from that
>People are just shadows to me, actors in the cosmic play of despair
>Vividly imagine beating passerby's to death with a spiked bat
>I wish I was just some beast in the forest, so they'd leave me alone
>\I wish I had an excuse to go over the edge
>I just want the voices, the people, to leave me alone
>Everyday the cymbals crash louder in my head
I can still act cordial, but friends and family around know I'm not right.
I spent an hour staring into the sun the other day without realising.
>haven't been able to be with my friends for half a year now, long story short we're still all on good terms but I live hours away from them now
>always feel paranoid that they have stopped caring about me and wouldn't be bothered if I never texted them again
>spend all of my free time in my house watching movies, including sappy coming of age teenager shit just so it can give me some sort of a disdainful reaction
>constantly fantasize about all of the ways I can demonstrate to my friends that I have lost my mind, if they think I'm crazy they will think I'm more interesting
>can't even keep the windows uncovered because the sunlight is too goddamn intense
>5 coffees a day, at least
>get startled because I remember that I'm a person and not just a collection of thoughts
I wonder when it will be that societies as a whole accept what we truly are. Consciousness is nothing more than an ever shifting set of factors and variables which determine how you act and react to any given situation.
>I am a very, very bitter and hateful person with an immature and undeveloped view of the world despite having a lot of experience. I think that people perceive me as an immature laughingstock, that they're afraid of me because of my actions but simultaneously don't respect me because of them, that they only want to use me and manipulate me towards their own ends. I'm extremely concerned with how I appear towards others, and becoming a healthy, regular, productive member of society is pretty much my main goal. I can't trust anyone, have major paranoia that everyone is out to use me or get me, especially people that have power over me.
Have you killed your ego? Because it sure as hell sounds like it's controlling you.
Ever had everything be so shit in your life that was out of your control that you just wish you could take a step back. Like, out of your mind. Let go of the person you're controlling, and just exist more like a consciousness that just observes. Rational. Overseeing emotion. Precise. Able to find deeper appreciation for the randomness/ whatever beauty or irony that exists.
It's kind of like a switch that just flips. Once you do it, you may find yourself back in your body/ overwhelmed by your emotions, but then when you notice just go "wait a sec" *swoosh* out of your body.
You have to kinda drop all conceivable notions of self worth however. That you even deserve to be alive- that maybe you're just a chaotic accident with no soul. Like "Let everyone do their thing without your meddling, you creature"
This sort of disassociation from society makes you more "Fine. I don't care. Let them have fun and let me go to the void."
And then go to the void. Self judgement, anxiety, hell.
And then just let go.
Hard to explain, but once you're at rock bottom, you see your ego as this thing that distorts reality. Distorts happiness. Something that isn't you- it's something that gets in the way of your consciousness, which is inherently only meant to "experience" when separated from the ego.
Over time, you build yourself from zero with truths and new insightful and "understood" feelings that you can categorize/ scrutinize. Toss out if need be. End up in a situation with people making fun of you? Separate from the scenario, then separate from those feelings. Who cares- you don't matter, so why not just go out with a blast? Instead of killing yourself, just "eh, see it through at the very least." With this new perspective.
I don't know if I could ever do something like that. the way people perceive me has a huge impact on my life, and not caring about that seems downright irresponsible. from my current perspective, my notions of self-worth and self-awareness are all that matter. they're what keep me grounded and safe, they're what's responsible for keeping me from acting on these urges that I have. if I existed outside of my body, if I had no notion of myself and thought of things in terms of concepts instead of their reality, I'd have nothing to lose and would do what makes me feel best with 0 regard for others.
My favorites are berserk, gantz(minus final arc), vagabond, dorohedoro, one punch man, and one piece
I like junji ito, you might like kago shintaro also
I can't get into JoJo's, I read the first two stories and they were okay but I struggled to stay interested. I will still try though, going to read the third one soon and I will also try the others you mentioned that I haven't read (all except FMA, monster and yotsuba)
Berserk is outstanding, I've only barely started reading it or else I would have mentioned it. Same for Dorohedoro. I really like the character designs in that one.
I'll give kago shintaro a look, his work has always caught my eye but I never really bothered to check into him.
>I'd have nothing to lose and would do what makes me feel best with 0 regard for others.
I'll assume you have traces of empathy.
If you do, they will only grow monumentally stronger once you feel responsible for the whole world/ universe rather than for your close friends, social clique, your spouse, or simply yourself.
I don't know. Once you let go, it's kind of like this dual state of being nothing and being everything. Caring about every littlest thing possible as if it were your heart. And an impartiality to it when the universe declares chaos, and ends it.
It's an emotional rollercoaster, but it levels out your soul in a way.
Your problems with self image and your need to fit into society is 100% the only reason you're having those fantasies. You aren't fucked up- your ego is. Make it your bitch, because the "real you" has immense power. You'll finally know what real confidence/ agency is, and instead of trying to match yourself up to others, you will be kneeling down to their level to help them move up.
I had never even heard of it, looks funny though.
I feel like you're finally the person to tell me what I've been needing to hear all these years, but I'm struggling to understand. I have no notion of a soul, no concept of caring for anyone outside of my immediate circle, no way of grasping what my ego is supposed to be. sorry if it sounds like I'm just making excuses
>Constant visions of my head being blown off by a gun
>Extremely detailed daydreams about murdering all of my co-workers, in multiple ways
>Urge to shoot my roomates head with a shotgun while they are asleep
>Tempted to steer the wheel all the way while driving 65mph, crashing and leaving no survivors
>Sometimes I drift off and find myself scratching my arms really hard, like I'm trying to rip them open
I'm trying to understand why some humans are worth more than other humans. Why some are being praised for their measurements and some are shunned at. We're all some fucking meat covered skeletons, and the shape of the meat you get in the genetics lottery determines the entire outcome of your life. I just don't fucking get it.
>Life is going exactly the way i want.
>depression kicking in "recluse mode" kicking in
>realise, at some point of my life my demons are gonna win.
Neetdom is hard to shake off. The loneliness is painfully beautiful in it's sliences, you can live in your on reality all the time and ecape to worlds of games, books and movies.
Other people are hell, what they want, what thier thinking, what they believe about you,what they believe about selves. And howmuch of that internal dialong your assuming they're thinking is just yourself. And theres so much pain and shame, about everything and everyone is really feeling it or will. But what keeps me going is, just the little enjoyable things, the mystery of it all, my addictions stories cigarettes and love. However, the the muchness of life can be too much at times.
Also if your lonely don't fall in love, it will shatter you loneiness is wayyyyyyyyy more peferable than heartbreak.
Ego has many forms, but it's primarily the "you" that seeks validation/ stuff. It's the thing that drives you to climb the social ladder, score higher, take from others because "you matter more"
Imagine if you died. Like, suddenly, got hit by a car. Or had a brain tumour that went unnoticed and killed you instantly. If you don't believe in an afterlife; that's it. That was your life. Everything that was you, everything that mattered, gone. Didn't matter. Never mattered. Anyone can take that away from you any time.
If this makes you more nervous, more scared, it's your ego being scared. Your ego is taking in information, filtering it, and giving you a "this is bad" vibe.
But it's also YOU as you understand you. Your consciousness, your outlook. Your memories, and your pre-conceived notions. Your assumptions. The very way you understand life, and the very vehicle through which you interact with reality and maintain your safety.
You have to kill yourself. Figuratively.
End it. Give up. It's waaaay harder to do this when you've got "important" shit going on. When you've got plans, preconceived notions on what you wanna do/ where you wanna go.
End it. Take it away from yourself. Your ego. Basically say "Nope. Not gonna have it. I don't need it."
It's immensely scary. Literally nothing more conceivably scary.
But think of it as like... transitioning from a dreamy/ fuzzy state in darkness, and going out into crisp air and sunlight.
This "whoah, this was here all along?" You look down and instead of being a subject being surrounded by feelings, you are an entity that basically controls the flow of these feelings. Even the state of you that is "feeling" the feels- it creates this like "experience" which you can say "Yeah, this is shit" and simply forget it. It haunts you? You are a god. Your glare/ determination to get rid of it is like the force of of a giant dog barking, that sounds like a million train foghorns blasting at once.
>not days that turn to years of isolation and masturbation
You, as an existence, become simultaneously this child that has this deep curiosity for everything once more (remember, everything you knew/ have done is gone. false. deconfirmed, insignificant. outdated data.)
But you also have this deep vibe of defiant "FUCK YOU" at yourself. I wouldn't call it pity, but more like an EXTREME level of dominance towards your inner sanctum. You basically went inside yourself, raped your feelings, your self of self worth, killed all ill will and preconcieved notions/ world views, shattered everything, and all that stood is your consciousness and the fundamental truths, like empathy and deep sadness.
These bitches now work under your rule. But they will try to overthrow you, constantly.
You have to realize no one else is responsible for your inner sanctum. Your inner world, your view, the thing behind your window out into the world. You are in control. It is your privilege to put these fucking feelings in your head into order.
There's this kind of "self-hate" vibe that comes about. This extreme dislike of yourself. It's like, a deep deep disgust that you sort of wish others would point out in you- except no one will. It's your job to do it.
But this adherence to being in control of yourself and being kind/ receptive to the outer world, to be vulnerable as the entity of consciousness- not letting your feelings spill out into others. (Or only the ones that bring good tithings to others)
But yeah. It's weird.
I went from this
with the help of Traumatic Experience! (TM)
It also helped me overcome my suicidal tendencies.
There will be a point where you just won't give any more fucks to such an extreme that it is not expressable, and you will change. Everyone you hate, everyone you love and everyone you admire is both a saint and the biggest piece of shit at the same time, humans will reveal themselves as mooing beasts whose most interesting aspect is how they die but yet are also godheads who help make everything you own eat and use.
>AKA chaotic neutral
also read this:
>the It, the I, and the Over-I
thanks for typing all of that up, I really appreciate it. as you pointed out, what you're suggesting I do is very difficult when you have goals. my goals are ambitious and are things I've worked towards for years- abandoning them would mean abandoning what's given my life meaning. I am also deeply, horribly afraid of ever feeling like I am or my actions are inconsequential, because that would undo my reasoning that prevents me from becoming a serial killer. I don't know how to control my emotions beyond telling them "fuck you" and acting differently.
>mooing beasts whose most interesting aspect is how they die but yet are also godheads who help make everything you own eat and use.
I already hold this view.
again, sorry if I'm being a contrarian faggot, I'm just trying to be as honest as possible ITT
I know how you feel man I have been going through something similar lately
>been depressed for about 12 years or so
>denied it until about 2 years ago when I hit bottom
>wife had left me after cheating on me and I was alone paying everything
>my severe stress leads to extreme anxiety at random
>will be at work and for no reason just start panicking and feeling like I'm having a heart attack
>ff to a few months ago
>finally reach the point of suicidal thoughts
>struggle to wake up/do anything productive
>used to workout then quit, used to play guitar and quit that too
>on my days off I contemplate downing all the medicine bottles in my house and just dying
>something suddenly snaps
>my thoughts turn from suicide to homicide
>start thinking of ways to randomly kill people
>fantasize killing certain people at work
>start developing a psychosis thinking everyone knows of my intentions
>get this weird feeling when I drive that people are following me
>I'm almost convinced I'm living in a Matrix like scenario
>the programs are onto me
>not sure how long I have until I finally murder someone either for fun or out of a raging paranoia induced episode
I also get those strangely vivid dreams as well sometimes I'm not even sure when I'm awake or when I'm asleep
I am so sorry
if it helps at all, for me at least, killing animals and destroying things really helps to minimize the homicidal feels. playing an instrument helps a good deal with the intrusive thoughts, too, but it can be hard to work up the nerve to play when you're so depressed.
hang in there man
tfw coworkers jokingly compare you to bateman or jeffrey dahmer and they have no idea
>thanks for typing all of that up, I really appreciate it. as you pointed out, what you're suggesting I do is very difficult when you have goals. my goals are ambitious and are things I've worked towards for years- abandoning them would mean abandoning what's given my life meaning. I am also deeply, horribly afraid of ever feeling like I am or my actions are inconsequential, because that would undo my reasoning that prevents me from becoming a serial killer. I don't know how to control my emotions beyond telling them "fuck you" and acting differently.
Do you have a trace of empathy? Even to yourself or close relatives?
I'm telling you- these dreams and psychopathic tendencies are not a result of your default or true nature, they are distortions of an ego that is shaky/ falling apart. The more it feels at risk, the more it feels like it may be inconsequential, the more it feels on the verge of not having its dreams realized, the more and more stress, anxiety, shittiness, fucked up reasoning, fucked up imagery, fucked up dreams it will produce.
Take a moment to think in this way for a second:
Imagine yourself from a third person perspective. Like in videogames. Imagine the room down the hallway- don't imagine walking in there yourself, but your "camera" panning over to there. There is nothing there that wants to harm you- in fact, if there's an animal or a person, they're probably really concerned with themselves. Their camera is inside their heads. They can't see you floating over them.
Now come back to your head and look around, feel your fingers move, focus on the wall in front of you. Now "black out" again- take like 3 steps back from your angular perspective. You know how you can't see past a certain point with your eyes? Well, there's another room around you. Somewhere out in space, or some aether realm. This "space" that you're able to put yourself into, this is the real you. Where you were? You were looking through the lens of your ego.
Yeah I still play on and off and I get that happiness for a while but lately everything just slams me back down no matter what. I could go a few months not worrying or just being okay then have a depressive episode but now it seems like everyday.
It also doesn't help my Matrix paranoia to come onto 4chan after developing this feeling to see this thread about losing it and so many similar feels almost like they're telling me to do it
I have empathy, I'm not a sociopath. If I didn't, I wouldn't have any qualms about these urges and we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
I know that these dreams and thoughts and actions aren't a part of who I really am, they aren't my identity, they're this warped, intrusive nightmare that's wormed its way into my psyche and refuses to let go. I can't understand what you mean by ego, though.
I feel like a real idiot for not being able to understand your meaning. I probably shouldn't be drinking. at any rate, even with your example, I get paranoid of the intentions of the other people that I "see" and worry about how I'm presenting myself. it never ends senpai
hold on if you can, man. try to remind yourself of the consequences of acting on those thoughts- no matter how irrational my mania or paranoia has gotten in the past, if I can tell myself that if I act on those urges it will result in jail/never realizing my ambitions/losing everything I've worked for it's much harder to get up and do it. plus, the longer you put it off, the easier it is to cool down.
if it's happening every day, I /highly/ recommend finding an experienced psychiatrist. someone with a good 20+ years under their belt, and male if you have issues with women. a professional who can provide a detached, reasonable outlook on your problem can be a fucking lifesaver. it also gives you accountability for your actions (someone to talk to on a regular basis who cares about your wellbeing), and a failsafe if things get real (hospitalization, medication, even just talking to someone instead of being alone).
when my paranoia used to get real bad, it was a sign I was getting a manic episode. not armchair diagnosing, just saying that it may be a greater problem that's treatable.
>I can't understand what you mean by ego
It's you. It's the culmination of you. Your identity. If you killed yourself, you die. Your ego dies, your dreams die, your ambitions die, your memories die.
You kinda have to do this to be reborn. You can step back into your life with a new perspective as well. But you kind of have to objectively prove to yourself that you're worthless, and really drag your ego down over a cliff. Your consciousness is something godly, that has immense power to survive anything. Even in COMPLETE and utter devastation, your consciousness marches on. In defiance to you, the universe, itself.
Your consciousness can more closely be related to the "What you are experiencing RIGHT NOW, YOU, READING THE WORDS, not the thing that's distorting and understanding these words and storing them in the brain, but the thing supervising, sitting above all this, in control of decisions, reactions, choosing what feelings/ facts to let yourself 'experience"
It's the true you, but you are more living through your ego, and have identified you as it, not the you that is experiencing it.
This seems hard to explain but it should be easy. I don't know why I'm having such trouble.
Imagine I read what someone says.
"You are a horrible person and should go die"
If I was running on autopilot; LASH OUT. Defend myself. Grrr... How dare they. They don't understand me. They don't know who I am.
In control; kek, I'll file that through logic, oi feelings, settle the FUCK down. I said down. We'll simply take this result, and if they're correct, we'll make a decision to chance. If not, we don't engage. I love that guy. I don't know him, but he's part of me. He's part of all this. If he's having trouble, I want him to get through it. Feelings, if you would have jumped on him, you would be implying that you want ego to take over. Ego is in the corner, right there, subordinate. He will tell me when I need to eat, sleep, shit and piss, but that's it. I don't respect his opinion, and I don't respect him. I am me. I exist, and I feel what I want.
I don't think I should get help and I don't think I'll do anything harmful at least not anytime soon. I feel like if I am in some kind of matrix reality it's exactly what they would want. They want me to just lose my shit and kill someone so I can be in a jail or mental institution so they can watch me and keep me from breaking the program. Idk though I still have some of my sanity that's saying this whole idea is fucking nuts and that I should do something about it. As far as losing any ambitions or whatever I have already lost everything I feel the hope slowly fading away there's nothing I'm working towards besides staying alive so what's the point in denying these urges? Idk man
I think I get your meaning. I may just disagree with your opinion. If my ego represents my baser thoughts, emotions and desires, then I have it completely in check. I am fully aware of my instinctive reactions, and I control them, almost to an unhealthy degree. I am militant in my supervision and control of my thoughts and desires. I am aware of my identity and how I exist outside of that identity. I am aware of my relationship with the people and things populating this world and this universe. I just care about them and my relationship with them. I am not a NEET with doting parents, I am dependent on my relationship with the world around me and if I detach myself completely from that, I will die. other people will die.
I have been institutionalized
it never helps, they're just babysitters there to keep me locked up and strapped down until the mania passes and I'm safe to be around people again
don't make me talk about it
I swear I've had the same delusion before during a manic episode, it's the worst goddamn feel. I'm so sorry you feel this way. you can look at it like this: you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. you can rebuild your life, you can easily improve things from where you are now, and once you get started on the track to self-improvement it only gets easier with time. whereas if you start hurting other people, the satisfaction that you gain is fleeting and you will always be chasing that same demon, never becoming completely satisfied, until you die a lonely and violent death without anything to show for it but a lifetime of misery and regret.
If you can be removed from your own identity, how are you still worried about how others perceive you? No one is going to hurt you, you have to place trust in others and believe they wont' hurt you. Come at this with an objective point of view, and don't trust your "instincts"- simply get it over with and figure out that when you should your belly people are more than willing to reciprocate good feelings/ their own vulnerability as well.
Like when people get drunk at parties. They become more confident through being more vulnerable. They're not super amazing god tier socializers; they've just removed the element of "worrying about fucking up."
> walking past girl from my class at uni
> she says "hi, how are you?"
> I can't think of how to reply so I just open my mouth and go *HONK*, then keep on walking
> immediately start cracking up with laughter in public because I realise that it could literally have been a greentext on /r9k/
> write this greentext here and complete the prophecy
>lay down in my room
>listen to music
>after an hour realize I dont even have my headphones on
>I swear I was hearing music
>realize I am not even in my room but in my kitchen cabinet with a burnt potato in my hand
this happened to me yesterday, I have no idea how this happened because I dont remeber any of it
Most robots will disagree with me. To me, to not be insane to a degree is insane. Most people have problems that they keep locked inside, most of the problems posted here seem like problems normal people would have. If there are people out there who have no level of insanity, they are the true definition of insane.
>>always feel paranoid that they have stopped caring about me and wouldn't be bothered if I never texted them again
i have paranoia but the funny thing is I thought correctly as none of them gave two shits or even noticed for a good 3 months or so that i stopped contacting them
There you go you smug fucking peice of shit.
You honestly can not tell? We aint joking when we said we never had friends or talked to people I am 29.
Sorta have this experience
When I'm trying to sleep sometimes I hear women screaming
Sometimes I see frequent flashes of lightning
Sometimes I hear a voice shout Look LOOK! LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!
In my room, I slept for a couple of hours. Only in sleep can I escape the grim reality around me. If I could, I would sleep the rest of my life away.
Won another game of Jeopardy by answering the final question correctly. The answer was "Groundhog Day," a satiric comedy with Bill Murray I knew all too well. The movie was my life except I was not trapped in Punxsutawney, but in my life and I have aged greatly. I endure one day after another of oppression and misery.