I feel like my brain is melting. I literally feel like my brain is deteriorating.
I don't know what kind of person I am anymore. I don't know who I want to be. I don't do anything, I just sit here and exist. I'm content with existing, I'm content with being dead, I'm content with whatever. I'm losing a grip on who or what I am.
I feel like I'm tricking myself. I'm tricking myself into thinking my brain is something it isn't. Into thinking I'm something I'm not.
Sometimes I'll catch a glimpse of my reflection and be shocked because I forget I'm a person and not just thoughts.
Does any of this make sense? I'm not trying to be deep I just literally don't know what I'm doing I'm scared and worried that I'm losing my footing in reality.
I don't know I just want to know who I am and I want to feel whole
If you asked me to describe myself with adjectives I don't know if I could accurately do it, I don't feel like a person often I feel like a cloud of thoughts
No idea whats going there then, buddy.
But if it makes you feel better, modern society has pretty much turned into an IRL Pynchon novel, nothing really makes sense and youre not expected to do much in the world outside of social media besides being a hipster and pretend you know nothing, its a collective brain melting if you will, so dont give it much thought, either go with the flow (wear a swastika patch, paint your hair green, filla joint with tobacco and smoke it, carry a book about MLP etc etc) and if anone asks you whats going on just tell them you do/wear x thing ironically or give them a lecture about how MLP is a show designed to subtly show kids the basics of quantum mechanics.
I don't know how to help, but I envy you, I've felt similarly before and I think that's a beautiful state of mind. Could be something like what psychs call depersonalizaton/derealization.
>Sometimes I'll catch a glimpse of my reflection and be shocked because I forget I'm a person and not just thoughts.
How long did it take you to put that into words.
To articulate that concept for someone else to understand?
I too feel, like an assortments of thoughts and ideas given shape.
An anomaly of my own environment without humanly connections and deep tethers. Just a happenstance existence, sometimes an inconvenient one at the expense of my family.
I don't think they see it yet, and I'm not sure I want them to, ever.
I've been biding my time for a while now searching for a series of opportunities to allow me to slip away from my life and find a way to die. I've thought to the extremes of obtaining a passport and leaving the country, discard my identification and find somewhere to make my death isolated, to just vanish without a trace.
barring the assumption people may have that disappearing is more disturbing than outright killing yourself and having them have knowledge of the fact. I think that my plans of wearing them down, and conditioning them for my absence has worked. So they may have a positive reaction to the ambiguity of my disappearance
reminds me of Windows 98 's fever dream album.
this philosophy site: http://truemonism.com/wp/summary/ seems somewhat congruent with the OP, and the description that everything seems like a cloud of thoughts.