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What was it that made you into a robot? When...
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You are currently reading a thread in /r9k/ - ROBOT9001

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What was it that made you into a robot? When it all started to go downhill?
When I gained self awareness.
My very first day of school. Aged 4 or 5. Being put in large room with other kids. I remember being sat on the teacher's lap and crying.

When you become aware of yourself and your place in the world you finally realize there is no point in trying anymore
When I discovered this place.
>hey 4 year old son anon eat more it's ok to be fat :^)
>ok mom, i didn't ask yet but ill be fat since that's what you seem to want
>4th grade
>can no longer understand how anybody else cares
>skip forward
>highschool dropout
I sort of found my identity young
serious question here.
Do normies have conscience? The more i think about it the more i doubt it really. not even trolling im 100% serious
You think if you weren't put with other kids you wouldn't have turned into a robot? People who are home schooled are much more likely to be socially maladapted.

Normies are more like a hivemind, they consider their own mind just a part of a collective, it's terrifying.
I was only slightly strange all the way up the puberty. After Puberty hit around age 13-14 everything started going worse, and my social retardation and isolation only progressed from there on out.
>was born in russia
>ugly fucker
>no rich parrents with conntections(in this country, if you dont have them, then everything is really shitty cauz high level of corruption)
>understood how shitty people here, everyone will betray you
>got cruched on mlp characters
>got derealization disorder
I think it's not that they don't have a conscious, but shallow depths of understanding. I mean this seriously too. I don't subscribe completely to the whole "normie" thing, but the general public (people that consume mass media, are heavy consumers/spenders, enjoy only pop and radio music but on a more shallow level, etc) is clearly ignorant. They just dont fucking care. Even some counter culture nerds are like this. Just gobbling up star wars and Harry Potter, buying anything with the name on it and not caring. It's a clear lack of depth, or at least a resistance to looking at things deeper
my point was really just that was when I realised I did not function with others

But maybe? I barely socialised with others and was bullied. Maybe if I'd been homeschooled, I'd have still got some socialisation but also no bullying. I think homeschooling may have made me maladapted but also much happier.

but maybe not, who knows. I'm certainly socially maladapted without homeschooling.
Growing up I would constantly be by myself. I would spend hours just being alone and not interacting with people. My parents weren't bad people, they were just constantly busy.
normie teachers and other kids would tell me I was smart for no reason
In the end I made the worst choices
When I hit 13 everything went downhill pretty much.

>failing grades
>lazy as fuck
>mom let me stay home from school dozens of times to play runescape
>fat, no friends, awkward, wanted girlfriend, wanted to be sports star etc
>get introduced to /b/ in 2008-2009

Pretty much from 2009-present I've been either on this website or playing runescape.
What's wrong with watching a Harry Potter or Star Wars flick? Seriously, what? They aren't deep think-pieces. They're not meant to be. They're just quick pieces of entertainment and escapism. There's no need to think "deeper" about any of it.
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Right from the get-go. I made the mistake of not strangling myself with the umbilical cord when I was born, because even in kindergarten I was a friendless loser, and it continued for the rest of my life until now, where I'm probably as pathetic and miserable as you can get.

>be a neet hs dropout living with parents
>hate my life and want to kill myself every day

>be wageslave working 9-5 in retail
>hate my life and want to kill myself and all the fucking idiots I have to deal with every day
There's no winning.
the critique we are making is at the mindless consumer drones that gobble whatever they are told to by the media.
My point as the guy who asked the question is that it is hard to interpret these people as anything other than soulless puppets devoid of original thought and incapable of breaking away from the norm in any way. Therefore by those observations i determined that the presence of conscience in the normie mind is debatable at the very least.
they are more prone to groupthink, and are capable of independant thought with effort but most just get caught in the tide of normie faggotry
Do you really want to know, how it's happend?
you're not bad-looking. Stop fucking victimizing yourself.
>tfw the doctors called me "The blue baby" when I was born because I had the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck so tightly my skin was a blue-ish tint
>tfw they actually got it off instead of just letting me go
I don't really know. Something happened when I got into high school. Maybe my last year of elementary too. But there isn't a single moment or event that I can point out that started the shitshow that is my life right now.
You can still have that umbilical cord again. It's called Jesus.
why is it a shitshow?
I doubt Jesus would help me kill myself.
Because my life is going nowhere. Being in my late 20s, close to failing college, with no employable skill. Don't even mention the fact that I don't exist to women. I simply don't know what i'm going to do once my parents get fed up with me. Probably just going to off myself in a few years.
Why runescape tho? Why not like WoW or something

Judging from the other replies in this thread it happened late for me, I got through high school fine, had plenty of friends, and then a 4 year STEM degree followed by a 4.5 year PhD just turned me into a complete social retard.
I'm not one I just come here to laugh at what is essentially a never ending beta/cringe thread.
when I was a freshman in highschool. up until then, me and my best friend since kindergarten had had a large circle of friends which we hung out with together all the time. literally me and him were inseparable, going to the same parties, hanging out with the same people, playing video games every single day together. literally hours and hours every day for about 8 years

then, out of nowhere him and the rest of my friends said they had just been pretending to be my friend the whole time. they said i was a loser and to stop hanging around them. i was crushed. i've never trusted another person since
What a bunch of assholes, sorry to hear anon.
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i never had any friend in my life.
I was the weirdo with no friends from the start
Still no friends or gf or human interaction besides this place

I don't possess charisma and i dont know how social interaction works.
I was a defective human from the start.
The day my dad came inside of my mom.
When I was young I was shut in from the outside world and played vidya everyday
Had to pay do for that shit senpai
I was already very prone it almost 2 years ago but this place pushed me over the edge. I wish I had never discovered it, but I can't seem to make myself leave. Wallowing in this orgy of self-pity and depression is addictive.
I skipped school one day to drink with my friends and my mother found out. When she confronted me she told me I was adopted. I was shocked for months and could barely get out of my shell. Then I started getting piercings and tatoos to make my mom even angrier.
Then I had skipped the senior year of highschool almost entirely. Just going to parks, bars, abandoned buildings, and smoking weed with my bad crowd.
Also I'm female (don't get excited because I'm ugly).
Lots and lots of betrayal. Since, I've grown to be very cynical, withdrawn and generally have a distaste for people.
>i never had any friend in my life

What? How is that even possible? Explain.
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Daddy hit Mommy and then girls found it fun to emotionally abuse/manipulate me, knowing that because Daddy hit Mommy I'd always try and be good and selfless.
Then one fucked me up just before my exams that would get me into Uni, meaning I ended up in a shit Uni. Then was with a girl who was actually compatible with me and genuinely understanding but who was ultimately controlling as fuck in final year, fucking up my Uni grades.
Now I stack shelves with no job prospects and still have to hold up my completely broken mother.

I actually showed a lot of promise in my younger years, too.
I was already bad then the 2008/2009 rescission happened. I relied on family to get by, worst choice I've ever maid. I should have just been homeless.
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>went to comfy private school up through 4th grade
>transferred to public school in 5th grade with best friend
>2 weeks in, getting bullied relentlessly for my weight, glasses, and kind nature
>best friend turns on me and joins the bullies
>feel betrayed, stop talking to everyone and just kick their asses on tests cuz fuck them
>only friend I did make was with the autistic kid
>he likes naruto a lot so I try to watch some
>get called a naruto fag
>go to couseling once a week where I cry my eyes out and talk about killing myself
Pretty much downhill from there with a slight upgrade in 11th/12th grade. Sophmore in college now and I think about killing myself daily.
Middle school.

I got beaten up by random kids everyday, never fought back because my mother told me not to.

Still hurts 10 years on. Ruined my confidence in anything.

Tried dating women, but then my depression comes out and it ends after.
homeschooled badly (ended up not graduating literally anything and feeling isolated and alienated by the outside world), parents break up with their extended family in bad blood, and move to a different country for financial reasons, thereby I lose the few friends I had, and never integrate in the new country.
How did those girls prevent you from getting a good job?
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It started really going down hill when my parents pulled me out of public school to homeschool me just as I was on the path to normiedom. It didn't work out...

>pic related from age 15-23
>time's slow mental torture
Why do you think you were you so kind to bullies?
Are you still overweight?
Why didn't counseling worked for you?
I think it was kind of always like this. Living in a small town with a small, close-knit school just helped me not realize it because I was able to get to know a few people. Now that I am in Uni, I am more or less regressing back into how I was when I was a kid, when I didn't have any friends.
>I got beaten up by random kids everyday, never fought back because my mother told me not to.

Why did your mother tell you that? Was she religious? And why did you get beaten? There must be a reason kids picked on you.
Because I was enough of a faggot to let them fuck with my head at crucial points in my life because of the aforementioned Daddy hitting Mommy thing.
I didn't have to give in to them, but they didn't have to fuck me over, either.
I've heard that type of story a lot. What do you do now? Just at home every day?

I had an emotionally-distant (autistic) father who was also prone to violent oubursts, and a helicopter smother, I mean mother.

Also the fact that they were (and still are) anti-technology retards. I didn't have any video games whil growing up so I instead became "friends" with That Kid down the street just because he had a NES, then I became "friends" with another That Kid after that one got a SNES, etc. I never learned to truely make friends, only to exploit other people for my own gain, and I also never learned moderation and self-restraint when it came to video games.

When I turned 23 I got myself a PS3 and Steam and I've been gaming non-stop for 7 years now.

Also we didn't get a computer & the internet until I was 17, so not only was I technologically illliterate when everyone else my age is a STEM and CompSci genius, but I also had no self-control when it came to using the internet.

I had a handful of years, like 17-22, where I almost became a normie but it was all downhill since.
Counseling logic is that the problem is in you, and not in them, so nothing will happen.
So you literally lived in a basement for years? That seems kinda comfy
give some examples of how they fucked with your head
I was kind to them because I was raised to follow Christian doctrine very strictly, turn the other cheek, treat others the way you wish to be treated, all that bullshit.
I didn't lose the weight per say, just shot up in height and went full on Skelly (6'2" 160 lbs).
And fuck no counseling doesn't fucking help. I had to go to counseling freshman year of college because my roommate thought I was going to kill myself. All it was was a hugbox were the cunt would agree with everything I said. I told her I think that gays and blacks are subhuman garbage just to see what she'd do and she fucking agreed with me.
I'm just glad it was free. I can't imagine spending actual money on something that's as effective as punching and yelling at a wall.
Stuff like that is only for normies who are just deluded into thinking that their lives are bad. If your problem is that other people literally beat you up, there isn't anything they can do to help you.
The worst part is they know they can't help, they aren't stupid. They just pretend they can help so that they'll get paid.
>When it all started to go downhill?

>be 10 years old, primary school
>huge group of friends
>took me years to acquire them
>all my friends are a year younger than me
>happy as hell
Then everything went wrong:
>start middle school
>leave all my friends behind as they are still in primary school
>literally no one to hang out with
>manage to make two friends
>they bully and belittle me at every opportunity
>only other option is to be a loner
>eventually they both leave for different schools
>by the time I'm 15 I have no friends
>if I was a year younger my life would have been different

Kind of similar.

>Grow up in comfy private school with same group of friends through 8th grade
>go to private high school but have no friends
>too scared to reach out so am super quiet the whole 4 years of high school
>miss so many good opportunities because social anxiety was so bad
>commute to local college, try to make friends but everyone just goes to class and then home
>everyone else still hangs out with their high school friends but Im fucked because I never made any
>the few ones I did moved away and never tried to contact me after graduation

Im pretty happy with who I am now though at least mentally, but my life does feel like a waste that went off the rails of what it could have been.
I've been living in my moms basement for 5 years.
I wish I could find a such a /pol/-tier counselor. I said very mild stuff in that regard and my counselor freaked out.

Not him, but that was pretty much the generic anti-bullying message in the 90s, before kids today decided to stop bullying through youtube lipsynch dance videos.

>Tell an adult! :D
>Walk away! :D
>Become his friend! :D
>Ignore him! :D

and of course all it took for bullying to stop, on like the last year of high school, was for me to shove one of them and tell them to fuck off or I'd slam their face on the pavement, and I stood my ground waiting for a fight and they said something like "lol whatever fag chill out dude" and walked away and left me alone for the rest of my time in school.

> There must be a reason kids picked on you.

Again, not him, but because I was a skinny depressed quiet kid who was bad at sports and didn't want to stand out. Bullies don't want a fight, they want an easy target and I was an easy target. I actually took up a few martial arts when I was around 14 or 15 and I told myself that as long as they didn't physically harm me, I couldn't physically harm then (and I think that was also part of the Dojo's anti-bullying bullshit) so I just soaked up psychological abuse like a sponge as well as small things like them throwing shit at me in class, etc.

but again, all it took was for me to put my hands on just one of them one time and then overnight everyone left me alone like magic.

If there are underage kids here, and there are, go and kick the shit out of the biggest guy in school tomorrow. high school is no different than prison except for less rape and stabbings, depending on your school.
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Just never happened, i never had the chance to make friends.
I'm a solitary person, no one gave me the chance.

human interaction is something i will never understand.
I mean, it was funny at first because I could just be an edgelord, but after the third visit it was getting old and I wish she would have actually given proper feedback instead of nodding her head and saying "yeah" "mhmm, I completely understand".
It was probably because she thought I was suicidal so she was trying to handle the situation delicately. Oh well, she moved to Oklahoma, so I won't ever see her again.
either at home, or working crappy part time jobs.
My parents were pro-technology (still retards though) and I also became addicted to video games and internet. I think letting your kids free to play and browse at their discretion is a huge reason for neckbeardom.
>be in German (Lower Saxonian) school system at a rather turbulent time
>four years of elementary school, all good (although in retrorespect it was already quite clear that I was outcast/loner material)
>one year of "orientation level", different school but plenty of friends from elementary so it's k
>from 6th grade on at "Gymnasium" (the school form for non-retards)
>know literally noone in the class, the few friends of mine who also went to Gymnasium are in other classes
>be fucked for the rest of school life

desu I wouldn't call myself a full-fledged robot (anymore) as things have been improving (slooowly) since I'm in university but I'll basically be fucked up for life.
I was kinda similar to you actually
>primary school, super happy, friends, all that stuff
>move schools, but young and confident so make more friends easily
>move to a different country (uk to usa) before secondary school
>go to fancy christian private school for middle school here
>school pairs up incoming students with "buddies" who were there for primary
>I get this super obnoxious, fat, angry, rude ginger kid
>Everybody hates him, I think that's why he volunteered
>He latches on to me and I was too stupid to run away because I had always been pretty nice before that
>My mom becomes friends with his mom
>Have to see him after school all the fucking time so that my mom can socialize and stuff
>He is an ass to me, beat me up a couple times, but I punched him in the stomach and he got scared
>I'm the only person who tolerates him because I don't know that many other people, so he thinks we're friends
>Meet some other people the next couple years who I'm friends with, but can't ever see them outside of school because my mom would want me to take ginger kid with me and nobody could stand him
>Don't feel at all bad for him, he was an arsehole for no reason
>Leave middle school, finally get away from fat ginger kid
>Haven't had actual friends in years, no idea how to socialize
>Start drinking
>Meet some guys through that and they're alright, but kinda weird, one of them was actually how I found out about this place
>Start smoking weed senior year, burn out, shit college, no friends

Now I'm a 22yo kv, hate my life, took an extra year to graduate uni, and can't find a job because shit gpa at shit school in shit major.
All because of one fucking kid in middle school.
I got bullied out of high school and fell into depression.
You really think that your lack of success is because your shitty friends left you? I don't know man, I think you should evaluate yourself more deeply.
Can you remember what made you become scared of reaching out to people?
And is it comfy, or does it get bad? Do you do anything productive? Talk to any people or just by yourself? Do you wish it would be different?

Similar story, fucked up some kid who was aggressive and the bullying stopped. Being nice is what we tell each other to keep society orderly and sane. It's important to treat people kindly and fairly. But when that doesn't work out, you have to stick up for yourself.
Sophomore year of high school was when I really became one. Oneitis told me she liked me and the next day as I was walking to her locker to ask her out she was dating Chad. I mean I was kind of a robot before that, I hung out with outcasts and didn't play sports or anything but that finalized it.
Either extremes is a bad way to raise a kid. Let them play video games but also take them out to Karate class or some other physical activity or something else, and also teach them about moderation at a very early age and not just YOU SHUT IT DOWN NOW BECAUSE I SAID SO

otherwise they end up like this


I'm genuinely afraid for anyone younger than like 25 who knows nothing of the pre-internet world and are constantly distracted night and day.
>Leave high school
>Drift apart from friends
>Stop talking to everyone
>Eh fuck it
>Go through college, same thing again

>You really think that your lack of success is because your shitty friends left you?

No. Read my post again. It's because I lost a huge group of good friends and was left with no option other than to hang out with shitty people. And that's not even including all the bullying I suddenly experienced at the new school from lots of other students.

A kids brain is still developing when they become a teenager, and throughout their teenage years. It's a critical time. I had to go to that school. I had no choice. It fucked me up big time. I was fucking unlucky to be stuck in a year with next to no one to hang out with. This impacted my social development.

I'm not blaming my lack of success on that entirely, but it played a huge part in my downfall, and was without any doubt beyond my control (I was just a kid).
How did you figure out you were loner/outcast in elementary school? Maybe it went downhill because you labeled yourself that or accepted the label being put on you.
So the ginger kid made you drift away from other people? Did you meet with him again?
This for me as well. Up until middle school, I only had about 2 or 3 friends. I was invited to someone's birthday party with a ton of the """""""""cool"""""""""" kids. I remember resorting to humor to mask the whole "I don't belong here thing". They liked it, and all of a sudden all of the normies enjoyed talking to me. High school happens, and only 2 of my normie friends kept me around. Realized that no one really gave a shit about me and only kept me around for entertainment. Those 2 friends became increasingly distant and I ended up friendless for my junior and senior year of high school. The worst part was that the friends before my "normiefication" thought of me as a Chad (even though they were shut-ins like me), so I was stuck in the middle.
See, your defeatist thinking is what fucked you up. You assumed just because some hot girl rejected you, you are shit and shouldn't try anymore. Maybe she didn't even intentionally reject you, she was one of those bimbo airheads who are easily swayed. Understand that women expect you to take initiative if you want to fuck them.
>not thinking robots are the same

We're being told constantly what a robot must be, requirements. We're supposed to be against conformity and normie culture but in reality we're just making a counter culture in which being fat and alone is a good thing. In some ways we're worse.

I don't know. I've never been good at making friends or interacting with people. I guess it happened when I was at university and living away from home for the first time. I kept skipping lessons and basically spent all my free time in my room (which had a shower/toilet adjoining it, so I could go without leaving it for days until I wanted wet food).

Ever since I graduated a few years ago, I haven't been able to hold a job. All I do is sleep, and then lazily post here for the rest of the time. Sometimes I'll play vidya or watch anime, but most of the time I can't even be bothered to do that.

I like thinking about things and coming up with fantasies in my head though.
Can you imagine what kids of today are becoming? The access to technology and adjacent means of distraction have massively increased.
Fuck, imagine the stereotypical neckbeard times 30. Guys in their 20's will be engulfed in their VR sets and fed intravenous Doritos and Mt. Dew.
>mfw thin tall pale guy and I don't see anything wrong with that life

at least they won't feel pain.
What I meant is that looking back, the signs were there. I didn't consciously label myself like that back then. Sometimes I declined friends asking whether I wanted to do stuff with some lame excuse (or just outright saying "no") so I could play Pokemon or something. Also I had barely any concepts of decent clothes, hair, not being pale as fuck and so on (just gonna blame my parents). So when I finally had to leave the bubble of friends that I had acquired somehow when I was younger, I didn't stand a chance.
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Around when i was 15, when my mom made me move because i wasn't getting good grades.
I was angry really angry, so i isolated myself.
Pretended i was going to school in the new place, when i wasn't.
Started playing more vidya, watching more porn and coming here daily.
At my worst i went months without going out.
This went on for like two years iirc.
I was getting more antisocial, and more angry, and more unhealthy.
I thought i was hurting my mother, but i was trully just hurting myself and yes, her.
Anger became sadness, and here i am.
Junior high. I was really quiet and weird around people and brought manga to class
They're already growing up faster than we ever did. I have a little brother in middle school and people there are acting like we were in highschool. My little bro even found a better weed hook up for me.

Middle schools have better weed dealers than colleges. What the fuck???
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Probably high school where it was a really important time in social development but I spent most my time in front of the PC playing WOW. Sad thing is I don't even regret it because those were the best WoW years ever vanilla to BC.
You're defining "self awareness" as low self esteem derived from social anxiety. Awareness is different from judgement.

Probably my dad leaving the house my 8th grade year. We were really close and a big chunk of my self esteem was taken away when he left. I could have kept in relation with him but I was too mad so I stayed away for a while and likely suffered socially as a result

Im just happy that im content being alone now, I try not to over-think social-things or my life as much
>it happened when I was at university and living away from home for the first time
I guess that's what you always wanted to do, deep down? When you noticed the opportunity presented to you, you grabbed it. Did you consider there would be bad consequences for staying alone in your room? Or you just stopped giving a fuck?
>in kindergarten
>was a cheerful blonde little kid
>extremely popular, girls all over me
>in elementary school
>get picked on and beaten daily because I don't know
>parents are constantly arguing with eachother then they tell me horrible things about eachother behind the others back, so I slowly start to distrust both of them and we become distant
>I start playing vidya to forget about everyday life
>this goes on for 4 years
>a 15 year old girl kinda /ss/'d me in summercamp when I was 8, femdom fetish ever since
>change schools
>kids are okay
>parents suddenly stop arguing and they live happily ever after
>they fixed their relationship and they do like nothing happened in the last 4 years
>feel weird as fuck
>distrust people for life
You know the rest.
Your born with it, faild normie
Sitting down in a supervised visit with my father for the last time when I was 10. I never saw him again after that, court mandated. I never liked him, but now, being 21, I see how very important it is to be raised with not only a father, but both loving parents... brb gun in mouth for 30mins
Were you distracted by Pokemon or just video games in general? Were you quiet, weak, too serious, not confident as a kid?
Do you meet with friends anymore or you've given up long ago?
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And there's the daily reminder.
Did she warn you in advance about being moved for bad grades? Or just punished you suddenly and with a hostile attitude? What made you so damn angry about it?
You thought your dad left because of you? That's a common occurrence for kids whose parents get separated, they tend to blame themselves.
So now you're completely alone?
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She moved first to work there and told:
"I'm leaving you here alone, i trust you, i know your friends are here and your school, and your big brother lives next to you so if you get good grades and show me i can trust you you can stay"
Of course barely a few months in a stopped giving a fuck, because i was (and am) retarded like that so she took me to the new place.
I was angry because all my friends were there, and i would know no one in the new place, and it was a little village far from everything and because i was afraid of change and i don't adapt myself to situations too well.
I was angry because she wasn't doing what i wanted when i wanted.
I was a spoiled little kid raised by a single mother, so i grew up to be a shitty scared, anxious and lazy adult.
what do you do now? How does your day look like?
I can't love anything less than infinity
Newfag here, but what the fuck is being /ss/'d?
Did your mother pay attention to you, discipline you and such? Was she nice or bitchy?
when you see there is no point to living and even if you try looks and social skills don't appear out sheer work
My mother has practically spoon fed me to the point where I am now in college. For some reason it's still not enough and it makes everything a hundred times worse because I have anxiety about somehow finishing school and having to fend for my own.
Well I normally wake up without any kind of goal, go to uni, pretending that I'm ok with my life and stuff, joking around, then I go home, play vidya, come to 4chan and go to sleep. Actually at one point I fucked up my life beyond redemption and since then it never showed any sign of getting better.

Leaving everything behind or suicide comes to mind more and more lately and it scares me.

I wish I could talk to my parents, but I feel like we don't even know eachother.
>When it all started to go downhill?
Straight shota, mature girl and underage boy.
In 6th grade after being bullied for not speaking English. I realized how shit the world was at a too young age.
Now I can't remember a time where I wasn't depressed or miserable.
I see, so your mother wanted to do something for your own good, thinking you're not able to care for yourself. But as a kid you got angry for being torn away from your friends. Do you resent your mother anymore or have you moved on, at least?
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>mfw I befriended all the thug black kids
>mfw I'd buy them 40s and weed and in turn they'd beat the shit out of people I didn't like
I resent her for not being stronger with me, because she wasn't a good emotional support, and i never had any. I resent my father for never being there.
But i blame myself, because i know only i can fix my shit.
When exactly did you guys realize there's no point to living?
>fend for my own

How do you mean? Doesn't she still support you? Or it's not the kind of support you think you need?
Senior year of high school, I used to be fairly normal but something happened to me in that year. I started to become avoidant, talked less, started skipping school and play WoW at a net cafe while smoking a pack a day, started to get depressed, failed a year and became a shut-in in the end, developed a panic disorder on the way and still have 2-3 panic attacks a week now. Guess my brain was fucked up from the start, I'm 25 now and have no idea how to get my shit together. I feel like a 14 year old boy in a 25 year old man's body.
Same, except i feel like i'm 16 in 23yo man.
>at one point I fucked up my life
Tell us

>Leaving everything behind
How would you plan on doing that?
It depenss on whether or not the majority of the normies thinks that they should have a conscience when it comes to certain things
You were an immigrant as a kid? And you didn't know a lick of English? Or what?
You know, resent is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. But I'm glad you're wise enough to take responsibility. You're gonna make it.
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I'm like the mirror opposite of you with my single mom.
>instead of being an emotional supporter she used us as emotional tampons
>took out her literal RAGE on us
>ignored me when big events in my life came up like choosing schools or sporting events
>verbal abuse of he third kind. If anybody heard half the shit she said to me as a kid theyd slap the shit out of her (rational and nonethnic people of course)
>every time there could have been a solution she just said that was that and it stayed a problem
>every time I tried to communicate I was ignored fucking ignored
>did my best in school so I could buy video games
>she barely gave a shit about what I did good only when the grades were an 80 She would drag me to parents teachers meetings and then scream at me as if she was involved
>every other kid had the love and support of their parents no matter what their grades were
>I was punished even when I never failed
>eventually she started taking away my vidya for shit like not eating breakfast
>always punishing me for every little thing
>meanwhile this was the same bitch who without fail would point at statues that I'd admire and tell her friends "look anon made a new friend" knowing I had no Fucking friends
>by the time I did make friends she decided to read all my private conversations and chase my friends away leaving me at 0
>she set my depression at a staggering high and destroyed everything I worked to build for college
>I ended up failing out
>she just blames the internet and vidya and thanks to the new sjw movement single mothers can do no wrong
>mfw its like shes forgotten every horrible thing she's done to me
>is also a greedy fucking scumbag who sits in half a million yet can't even help me out with tuition that's pocket change to her
>she literally makes my tuition fees in 2 or 3 months on her Fucking retirement checks while she sits on her fat Fucking ass all day posting on Facebook

I'm 100% mad.
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Yeah pretty much. It's ironic how I was bullied by a class that was mostly second generation immigrant as well. I guess I lucked out it was an English-only class and not a bilingual class because I picked up on the language in about a year. Still, fuck kids.
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You should read "I Am Hero" sometime...
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Something in my brain just doesn't work. Ever since I was a kid but I've never been to the doctor for it. I feel like I'm living in my brain all the time. I had friends but they ended up just using me and stuff. I'm a lot happier by myself but I am also very lonely which doesn't make sense. Girls are very confusing. I feel like I'm constantly in a show and everyone else know there lines and there cues but I'm thrown in the mist of it without any script. I think so much yet I feel so dumb. Here I am a 21 year old virgin wage slave. I just don't know anymore bros hold me.
Was it a sudden change in mentality, a realization, or a shock? Were you exposed to a damaging social circle, online or otherwise?

What triggers your panic attacks, can you remember when they happen?
Got a lot of bullying in primary school, stopped after I started hitting people. Go through a few years thinking I'm happy now that I'm safe, then it all starts up again midway through secondary.

What really hit me was that none of my friends helped - they all wanted to stay good with Chad and Stacy. They didn't join in per se, but they would turn a blind eye and never stuck up for me. Made me realise that people never really care, they just watch their own. My own is the robot life, which isn't too bad.
I hope so, there's much to fix.
Thank you.
That's awful man, i hope everything goes well for you.
As in, I'm totally going to have panic attacks when I send in 20 resumes to design offices and get rejected and see my mom isn't around to magically help. My mom went to a jr ivy league for poly sci and has connects like crazy all around the city. We still struggled after the whole thing with my dad, but she somehow managed to be able to take me to disney world every summer. I was so ungrateful.. even characters in costumes would always ask me why I was so sad. This whole thing just makes me feel so embarrassed to be alive and so ... non appreciative after everything she's done. What's even funnier is that I'm a stoner/acid head/pack a day smoker. I feel like everyone in the world hates me because I had everything laid out for me, but something was always missing...
>verbal abuse
What was it? I'm curious.

>every time I tried to communicate I was ignored fucking ignored
Like, she just didn't look at you? Or she'd get up, leave, tell you to fuck off?

>I had no Fucking friends
Do you still have social anxiety or something? Still no friends?

BTW your mom seems like a narcissist/sociopath. How's your usual interactions when you see her now?

I don't quite remember, I suddenly stopped caring about everything. Everything felt pointless and artificial, friends started to come out as annoying. I was always an airhead but it got worse, I started to daydream for hours in my imaginary worlds. I was not good looking nor I had money, status so I mostly got ignored by girls romantically and I was always that harmless "friendly" guy for the girls. I guess I got fed up with everything and said "fuck it" subconsciously. I got my first panic attack when I was 18, I was sleeping and suddenly woke up with a tachycardia. Thought I was dying and hardly made it to the ER, after that I started to have it everyday couple of times. It made me even more of a shut in, couldn't even get out of my room without getting anxious. Now I'm a lot better but I still feel like I'm in a fight or flight mode 24/7, there is this weird feeling in my chest that never goes away and I can't relax even for a minute because of it. Attacks mostly get triggered when I read about death or something heart related so I try to avoid them but they pop up once in a while when I'm browsing the web.

Now I'm a fat, ugly, poor and a nervous mess with a huge inferiority complex and probably never gonna get better since not even my family wants to help me.
Man, that sounds terrifying. At my (European) school there were English speaking teachers and we used to bully THEM. Making fun of them in our own language and such. I can't imagine how a kid would go through something like that.
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>Family in constant turmoil on all fronts since day of birth
>Have basically no contact with my relatives outside of my parents and brothers
>Abusive dad beats mom in front off me at the age of 3 and all the way til just recently
>Was put in school one year earlier than normal
>Get teased because of it
>Quiet and introverted, no friends
>Family fights are ever frequent
>Little brother becomes my responsibility, I try and keep him unaware of the fighting at home
>Age of 9 I step between dad and mom
>Dad shuvs me into wall
>Last time I stood up

>Fast forward to present day
>Little brother commited suicide a few years ago
>mfw I failed him
>Big brother has turned his back on family
>tfw I am alone trying to keep family together
>Alcoholic dad and depressed mom
>Total disregard for my own life, I care only for my family
I used to be a Chad, life was good but then I got sick and couldn't go out as much, friends abandoned me and left me resenting all of them. Spent about a year with no friends and then eventually found new friends, that time where I had no friends at all broke me and made me hate everything and everyone.
May I also add, girl I was (and still am) in love with cheated on me.
You sound like a classic introvert. Don't condemn yourself and say stuff like "I'm weird" or "my brain doesn't work". That's very damaging and unnecessary. You're just (You). And introverts still feel lonely, they just need similar people to connect with. Have you ever thought of it?
I'm curious, if you are still around, as to what you do for fun. If you watch tv/anime, what do you think of the interpersonal interactions in the show. Can you relate with or see yourself being friends with the characters?
Any anons that empathize with this anon please feel free to answer as well.
Being alive. I've always been weird even when I was a little kid; something about me's always been off. I dunno whether it's autism or mental illness or what.

I never really had a chance.
It's funny how noone is pointing out obvious reference to being self aware by a robot.

Other thing would be if it is actual AI and now I'm in dan
Late for me, when I was 21.

>wake up one day
>bed covered in blood
>back is in excruciating pain
>pinhole size infected wounds that were punched out by a growth in my back
>not life threatening, so wait list takes forever for surgery
>bed ridden for a year before it gets taken care of
>stress of treatment and being in pain constantly drives me a bit over the edge
>have to move home into my mother's basement
>become completely isolated, mom travels so am left alone for long periods of time
>when I recover I come out completely socially retarded

I've managed to move out on my own again, but I haven't been able to make any new friends. It's been 4 years since I last had any kind of connection with someone.
>What really hit me was that none of my friends helped

There was a kid like that at my school. His friends would laugh while he was getting bullied. The thing is, bullies were indeed hilarious in some way. If you look at it, I'm not trying to be crude, but kids are short-sighted and don't have the wisdom necessary to stand up for their friends. That loyalty comes with maturity. So don't give up on trying to make friends, it's not worth it.
>have soulmate best friend, make music together, play vidya, debating about stuff
>have qt girl I only see once a year
>think I have it all
>turn on my friend because of some other girl
>he cuts contact with me
>become more arrogant and defensive
>girl tells me she isn't interested in me anymore because I changed
>lose everything in the blink of an eye

I got new friends, had a gf too, but I still feel the loss. Like one of my limbs were cut off. I deserved it.
You have a great deal of guilt baggage hanging on. The fact that you're telling somebody about it, i.e. myself, is already a good sign for you. You can see the source of your unhappiness. But you're still self-medicating profusely. The next step is to find out what's really "missing".
what is it called? is it a condition or a cancer or something
You based the majority of your self-esteem on the attention you were getting from girls (lack thereof). What was your relationship with your mother?

Did you have a health scare preceding the first panic attacks? Or did you see someone die?
>Have basically no contact with my relatives outside of my parents and brothers

>Family fights are ever frequent
What were they about?

>Little brother commited suicide a few years ago
Did you notice your breaking down from that point?

>tfw I am alone trying to keep family together
First day of middle school
If they abandoned you while vulnerable they weren't really "friends". So you lost nothing there.
hai guys =^.^= also im a girl follow my twitch stream <3 :pp
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the ole basement of truth. ahhh, let the good times forever stay in the underworld that is 1 window. 1 man. and 1 bed.
> If you watch tv/anime, what do you think of the interpersonal interactions in the show. Can you relate with or see yourself being friends with the characters?

I self-insert as the strong characters to try to emulate them. And I cringe a lot when other characters say stupid things or make faux-passes, even though minor. This is for reality TV shows.
>1 window
>My mom is from Finland and so is my biological dad, my mom was made preg from insemination.
Because of this my ''dad'' and his family will never see me or my brothers or my mom as a part of the family. Therefore no contact.

>Mom accusing dad of having an affair, she also hated going to dad's side of the family on holidays - while being forced to through threats.

>My brother commiting suicide did horrible things to me and my family. I have always watched out for him and put him ahead off myself. To have him slip through my fingers rekt me pretty good.

>Being at parents house as often as I can trying to keep them company.
I fear my mom might also do something stupid unless I take care of her. Also to keep dad from drinking too much.

I have a good relationship with my family, I feel like every aspect of my body is inferior. I have a 13 cm needle dick, balding, round feminine face, king of manlets, hairy as duck etc. I'm the textbook example of unlovable, I really want to have a family and someone to share my life with but when I realize it's impossible for me I get filled with frustration, anger and sadness. I'm inferior and there is nothing I can do to change it.

I actually didn't gave a shot about my health before the first attack, now I'm obsessed with it.

trap card, the only window is blocked off with cardboard and is used for an exhaust outlet for an external A/C
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well played
I concede you are robot and not plant
>Did you consider there would be bad consequences for staying alone in your room? Or you just stopped giving a fuck?

Didn't care. I was having fun back then. It's caught up with me now, but it was a good three years while it lasted.
>be me
>hurt animals when kid
>don't care for anyone
>superiority complex
>possibly sociopath
Still don't know how this happened, but this is why I am a robot.
You became a bit over-protective after what happened to your brother, and blaming yourself partially. Why do you think your mom will do something rash? Are you ignoring your own well-being just to look out for them?
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Like me my mom does not have any friends and lord know my dad won't be much help in that regard.

My whole life my own well-being has been secondary in all aspects, I am part of my family and therefore I am to care for it.

I know it sounds stupid and maybe it is, but thems the breaks.
Why do you think it's impossible for you to find a girl? Seriously? People get together for many complex reasons, appearance is just assumed to be central. This is your inferiority complex talking, you've been judging yourself for so long that it prevents you from seeking any relationship. Stop believing your own bullshit. You can and you will find a girl to have something in common with. It's almost statistically impossible NOT to, except if you keep hesitating.
Childhood abuse.

It's all been a flatline after then.
So you're just drifting and waiting to see how things will turn out? Why have you conceded it's pointless to try to change yourself?
What were your parents like?
Grew up with single mom for first 9 years of my life, moved school twice.

When step dad came when I was 10 I was confused, he was loving and caring and took good care of our family. But still as a 10 year old I was like wtf, I referred to him as Anon until I turned 12 when I called him Dad

Migrated to Australia when I was 12 spend my time there being bullied for my accent and racism. The kids in Perth are racist as fuck. Moved to Sydney hung out with the nerds.

And all whilst playing vidya and watching cartoons.

Why play a game that you know you'll lose? No girl wants a balding ugly piece of shit with a small duck, if by a miracle I find one I'm sure I'll get cucked to oblivion because my dick is inefficient.
>parents didn't marry when I was born
>only child, they broke up when I was 4 because my dad cheated on my mom
>move into a house with my grandparents for two years, not allowed outside, don't make any school friends
>mom saves up enough to buy house in the middle of nowhere, make one genuine friend
>move again three years later into horrible town where I'm not allowed outside again
>don't make any friends, school is horrible, mom becomes an alcoholic
>starts telling me while drunk how horrible I am and that she hates living in the same house as me
>does shit like wake me up in the middle of the night by slapping me in the face and telling me to pack my bags to go live with my dad
>tells me I'm boring, that I'm bad at any hobby I pursue (playing guitar and drawing etc)
>go to a terrible school where I get really bad grades
>make very few friends
>everybody tells me I should get better grades, but nobody helps me
>get shit grades and go to a bad college
>go home the summer of first year and mom kicks me out
>go to my dad's house and get stopped by the police twice in one week on my own for breaking the law
>still don't know how to talk to people
Ever thought of an escape plan?
Elaborate? And how did it turn out?
It probably started when we moved from the West Coast to the South East when I was 12. The only way I could make friends was through common vidya interest, which was mostly WoW. I never had more than one or two friends at a time, still true to this day. I was bullied a fair amount up until 10th grade when I just became invisible to the majority of people. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship from 17-21, too beta to leave her. Finding this place was what put me over the edge.
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I don't think I'd have the heart to turn my back on my mom. Call me beta or autismal, it's all the same.

One day she will be gone and I could never forgive myself if I knew I could have been better to her.
I've never had a chance to begin with, I was always robot, and if this isn't the same for you. Guess what you're a normie shit stain fuck who wants to play the victim card. You don't know what pain is like faggot
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Traditional physical abuse mixed with intense emotional abuse

As to what it lead to,
I barely feel remorse or regret. I don't actually feel any way about anything I do.
I have no barriers as to lying and people somehow believe me straight off the bat
And I don't know why but people look at me as a leader figure no matter what I do and it is nearly the opposite of what I want
I had trouble adjusting from being homeschooled until 8th grade. When I entered middle school I got bullied extremely badly in 8th grade. Fortunately I was decent at sports in high school and I was able to make friends from sports and theatre and even dated a few girls including a few qt3.14s (still a virgin in hs though, although I was really religious so I turned down sex twice). Then I graduate hs, fail out of first college, get depressed, become bulimic, go to college again, this time with full blown bulimia. It takes over my life and I hide from everyone. I drop out due to depression (I had As and Bs but just gave up because crazy mood swings). Get depressed that I have teenage girl disorder so I binge drink and gradually drink every day. Now alcoholic as well as bulimic. h8 my life. Finally went to a rehab place for 3 months and am now recovered from bulimia (I still drink but not as badly as I'm not depressed anymore). Slowly starting to get my life back on track. I'm going to start online college this spring. I've been making an effort to meet people and socialize. I did it once and I hope to regain my "normal" life again, although I still have some anxiety from the period of terrible middle school bullying.
Why aren't you covering your scalp or shaving it? And your dick is literally average sized, but your poor perceptions are likely affected by porn. If performance is the issue there's exercises to be done to enhance your poise and stamina.

Same bro. Well except I'm 26 and not a virgin, but my sexual experience has been horrible. How's your academics?
>pizza time
>dragon dildos

what is this, /mtfg/?
Why did your mom hate you so much? Were you obnoxious or was she just crazy?

I'm already shaving it and no it's below average and thin as fuck, no girl will ever feel pleasure from it. I look like a cancer patient with the feminine face and the shaved head.
> I was in an emotionally abusive relationship from 17-21, too beta to leave her
What did she do to you?
Why do you think you have to be her keeper though? You can't go on spending the rest of your days babysitting your mother. Think about it, if she were mentally sound she'd probably want you to move on and develop yourself in life.
Well, define "robot". Do you think your genes made you like that?
Follow in the steps of your older brother anon

leave them and focus on your life
Do you never show your feelings, or just don't feel anything in the first place?
don't feel apart from passing laughter
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Being dumped by my lifelong friend who was also my 5 year long GF without a reason or saying goodbye
This is a great upwards spiral. What was the reason you decided to get your shit together?
she obviously didn't want to be a single mom, after a few years it got too much for her and decided to stop being one when I needed a parent the most. I would come home from school and her wine bottle would be on the table already, I knew to stay away from her most days. She became a total abusive bitch when she drank (she still is, considering how she treated me when I visited her for the first time in 4 years last December)

I've already cut my dad out of my life, and when I become financially self-sufficient she'll be gone too
After a while she started to become very controlling. I was afraid to go places with my family, who she did not care for. She'd start in with how I was too attached to them and other bullshit. I felt like walking on eggshells around her. When she went off to school and I stayed in town and started to get fit, she bitched about how big my arms were getting. Sorry for the slow reply, trying to work and post.
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The summer after freshman year of high school I changed schools for the 4th straight year. I just gave up at that point trying to connect with people.
I understand you helping your mom, but what compels you to keep helping your dad? From what it appears he is the source of most of the problems throughout your life.
Well it all started in high school honestly, freshman year. In elementary school and middle school i was fairly popular, i was really good at soccer and had a lot of friends.

However when freshman year started everyone started partying and getting gfs, and me being short and super ugly could never get get one.

I also stopped playing soccer and got fat.
Honestly it came from trying shrooms. I know. It sounds so stereotypical but it gave me a new way of thinking. I basically remembered what I once was and realized that I had dug myself into a huge pit. I also had to accept that I WAS IN CHARGE of my disorder and my happiness and that I needed some outside help to change. I remembered that I wasn't always hopelessly depressed and decided that I needed to reclaim some happiness in my life while I was still relatively young (I'm 23 now). It sucks that I wasted the years from 19-23 away, but I did and now I need to change.

Honestly you just got to take a look at yourself and think about what you want in life and realize that you weren't always like this. You don't need drugs to do it. I did and it certainly helped to some degree but that isn't the main reason. Also it helped that I went to my Highschool 5 year reunion and I saw one of my friends who just got out of the army. I hadn't seen him since highschool but he told me I really needed to get my shit together because it seemed like I had a lot more promise than what I had become. Please, do it for yourself and try to make some changes. I still have a lot of work left to do as evident from me still browsing r9k and occasionally being into self pity but you got to keep moving forward in life. You can do it. You just got to start making some steps and quit hating yourself and the past.

Another thing I started doing and was told to do in recovery is start blogging. I keep a blog that is mostly a journal of things I do and my thoughts and feelings. I don't get a lot of people to read it and I keep it more for myself but I post a few times a week (sometimes I get lazy and post just a few times a month haha) but it helps me internalize my experiences and gives me motivation.

Interesting, I think what you achieved there was just a boost to your self-esteem. And I think that's very important to your newfound resolve. Great suggestions.
>ctrl+f runescape

yep, that's what did it for me

played from 2005-2010 when I should have been learning how to talk to girls
>What was it? I'm curious.
She say things like bitch, you fucking cunt, you retard, monster, stranger, evil, abnormal, she had said she hated me several times, selfish, said she should've aborted me, that I was a mistake, she would smash my things in front of me. Notably any mention of my father who I kept a distance from for my sake and his, she smashed the globe that I asked for and threw it across the room. Imagine shit like that all the time as a kid because she was unstable without a boyfriend.
>Like, she just didn't look at you?
She would either tell me to fuck off of she was mad or didn't want to hear it or when I wanted to discuss things like achievements or thoughts she would just be staring at her phone tv or on the computer. Once I had to repeat something 6 times.
>Do you still have social anxiety or something? Still no friends?
I'm a robot man. A fuck up outcast. No friends. I won't say I have severe social anxiety. I don't. But I get anxious a lot in social situations. My social skills are severely off and I need to pay close attention to what I say. I've been suffering for depression for years, I known this for a fact.
>How's your usual interactions when you see her now?
I'm currently at odds with her again. She has blamed all my fuck ups on me and my lack of friends. Thinks she can use me to be her fitness buddy and that I wouldn't realize it. Don't get me wrong, I have a fucking job and she still treats me as if I do nothing all day. I wake up at 5am and this bitch wants me to hit her trainer after? Hell no.

She thinks she's doing better by forgetting everything she's done to me. When I told her to keep things in the past after she read my private conversations she ruined my college career. Now she's coming back after screaming at me as if I'm a piece of shit saying "lets keep that in the past".

Sorry for cussing so much. It makes me angry and I am very quiet in real life, so I speak in my head.
It was the awareness that I was just their jester.
Just kill your fucking trash father.
probably 4th or 5th grade when I was made aware of my physical flaws by other kids. But i didn't hit full on robot/depression mode until after high school. Here I am in my late 20s, without ever experiencing a relationship with the opposite sex, no social life to speak of. I merely just "exist" from day to day. The only people that would care if i dropped dead today are my parents.
>join marching band to fulfill musical desires
>sections okay, but everyone else is a cunt
>slowly makes me realize how much i hate other high schoolers
>use band and other classes to let myself get an internship senior year
>internship lets me take half days and i never have to deal with anyone besides coworkers
>leads into a job
>buy a small comfy apartment and live off job and never go to college
>stay in my apartment and play dota/TF2

livin the dream
It helps that you cussed. The reason I've asked you is because it's an emotional release to open up, and jotting your thoughts down helps awareness so you may decide better. So reading your own post again, what can you decide?
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>tfw no pre-cum soaked penis to suck
my life is so shit. I was beaten and stuff and now I'm a robot.
Perhaps it is a pre-disposition.

If not, I can't pin point when, but I can say that years of being alienated and beaten on/teased for being weird and quiet and mildly autistic, lead me to giving up on having friends, and I holed up with my computer for....years. A decade, maybe. now I'm long since out of highschool and have so little social experience, even less than before, that I'm a fucking retard in every way. Suck at dressing myself up nice. Suck at health. Diet. Etc..
When I met my oneitis six months ago.
>So reading your own post again, what can you decide?
That for some odd reason I haven't poisoned or strangled her to death yet.
When I became a freshman in highschool
I realized I wasn't cut out for normie lifestyle I was quiet, I always had a thousand thoughts but never spoke unless spoken to first. I wasn't hated or liked I was the gray area and once I realized that I realized I was that I was this way for everything .
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