I should have shot up the school and killed myself, if I could go back in time and tell my younger self anything it's to never listen to anyone because everyone lies and this existence doesn't mean anything so stop at nothing and enjoy the satisfaction of taking human life while he still can and embrace death.
>>25853854 When I was taking my picture for my train pass in Europe. I was self-reflecting on all of the things I was about to do to unsuspecting people and it was in that exact moment that I decided for certain that I was going to go through with it. If I had pussied out, if someone bothered me, if the machine hadn't worked, if something went wrong with the trains that day, ANYTHING, my life now would be COMPLETELY different.
>>25853854 >not applying for stage crew in 7th grade.
I was about a second away from signing up on the board on the last day of registering, but my mom called saying she's outside to pick me up for my cello lesson. I booked, thinking, "eh, whatever, I'll lose raiding time anyway".
It wasn't all for naught, but the very large crew at both my middle school, and even larger at high school were incredibly tight, usually accepting of all that were them, and not many else, and all were either /tumblr/ or /reddit/ hardcore.
The kids there were similar to me, but I decided to go to cello versus one second on a name.
Instead, I continued playing WoW hard core into freshman year of high school, and my strangeness and undiagnosed ADHD excitedness clicked well with a bunch of people, only some of which were tangentially involved with the stage crew kids.
These bros are still in contact with me to this day. The group was about 20 of us, all tight as hell, with a core group of about 8. I love those guys, but not joining stage crew really did change my life.
The only difference between you guys and me is that I don't mind, I'm happy in this life on that decision at least.
It changes your personality and you won't relaize it's happening. The side effects often start out mild and then slowly get worse and worse over a long long term.
There's also the fact that the different brands of Adderall feel like completely different drugs to a lot of people. The FDA barely regulates generic drugs--they rely on equivalency data FROM THE DRUG MANUFACTURERS, and there have been repeated cases of drug manufacturers falsifying drug equivalency test results (look up Ranbaxy--they did it with tons of their drugs. They're based out of India but their drugs are/were sold here in the US).
Aurobindo Pharma's Adderall is especially horrible and it's the one most CVS's are stocking lately. Look up some of the complaints and problems. They're all true (it happened to me--I had the same symptoms: rage fits, racing thoughts, lethargy, loss of bodily sensation). It's fucked.
>>25853854 Should have invested in somethings and went to college to fuck my oneitis. >she happened to go to the same college. >I took a year off. I got over her but that felt bad. Also >should have never came to this place.
The most intense single decision of my life was dropping out of highschool, the moment I knew it had to happen I felt a sense of numbness and intense profound..."feeling" Do I regret it? Regret is a false word for weak people who live in the past.
Fuck I should've stayed with her r9k. Literally nobody would understand how lucky I got to be with her and she had so much love for me it was unreal. I would greentext but not sure if anyones lurking. Still, those night night feels sure are hell.
>>25856152 It's a lot of stuff together from the past but I'll try to get most of it down. >be me, 16 freshman in amerifat town >transfer from popular, rich catholic school bc it drove my family into ground on payments >go to public school even tho i was popular at the private one and played football/track >in good shape so not scared of bullies but was socially a trainwreck around ppl i havent known for 2 years+ >first class freshman year see literally a 10/10 in my math class >she was super innocent but still gorgeous >i played football freshmen year so sat with some brotier stoners i liked from the team but didnt get to chat to her >get biology with her aswell fast forward >after a while we become good friends >text everyonce in a while and have mutual friendships >she never really went after any guys and neither did i because of my carefree younger self >she always looked like she liked me and i was already in love with her in 9th grade >send her some drunk texts thruout the year that she responds to with thankfull texts sophmore year it all changes >she goes from cute next door neighbor girl to complete "this is the girl you need to marry" >we start talking slow and have gym together >literally best moments of highschool were gym with her and her ditzy cheerleader friend >since she wasnt a slut and i was kind of socially off we both didnt have much experience in dating >go to mall with her and one of her best friends >best friend takes me aside in multiple stores saying "killigrew u better ask her out, u two are so cute!" >just brush it off and have a great time christmas time sophmore year comes >worst / best time of my life >we get a ton more close, she brings me in cookies and brownies to gym every week to show love >gets me into tons of great parties and is the reason i became a social personi >makes me want to become a something will continue with the sad part if you want, just getting kinda sad thinking about it :(
>>25853854 >be 2010 >be computer nerd in high school >learn about bitcoin >want get $50 in btc just for fun >decide not to because it's too much of a hassle Oh do I regret it now... It was less than a cent per coin then...
The idea that dating or not dating some girl in highschool would have completely changed your life is absurd. You have no idea where your life will go and how little effect stuff that happens in your teens and early twenties has on it.
>Me in 9th grade >Fat scene kid with sparcy facial hair >Play football/wrestling all that shit >Socially akward >Summer of Jr. Year >Lift moar >Lose some weight, gain crazy muscle mass >Tfw I can finally grow a beard >Tfw 5 o'clock shadow looks alpha af >Still have long natural black scene hair that covers my face >Grow too big for shitty band tees, so I cut the sleeves off like a tool >Walk in senior year, all the chad douchebags tremble in fear when they see what I've become >Girls and stacy's start approaching me >Feel fucking powerful >Tfw still socially retarded and nothing really came of it
>>25856614 i am, just may slow down with replies before i get this coffee but the feeling she gave me was so bizare i cant even understand it. All my life I was that stoner kid that everyone liked but never had a bestfriend. I was the kid that failed every fucking test. I wasted an amazing scholorship and couldve went to catholic school and became a lawyer but I threw it all out the window because I simply never cared. All my hopes and dreams dies when my grandparents did in a bad crash when I was seven but somehow this girl makes me want to become i man that could support her and a household with her. I didnt even plan on living past 25 without her. (My plans for future before meeting her were to join marines, get good life insurance, and die in the field to leave my parents enough money to make sure they could move to cali like they always dreamed) Anyways >christmas break is like halfway through and me and her get together on a double date with two mutual friends at a bowling alley >i suck at bowling but we all have fun >she gets me these cute ass boxs of candy that she wrote on with cute puns >also gets me a dope watch >get her a necklace that costed quite a bit >night goes good and head home >sadly like two days later we break up >weed induced psyhcosis, terrible bipolar disorder, and issues with existing cause it >she tells me she loves me and wants it to work out so bad >end up just telling her that i dont feel that same way bc i know in the future itll help her more right there i couldve made my life amazing but i didnt, and i didnt for her >she helped with my psyhcosis but the delusions got so real i didnt want to burden her in the future >we stay friends but i slowly cut the relationship off >rest of that year i slack off and start selling weed, end up getting booked and doing time in a boys home >entire time think of her >get out halfway thru what wouldve been my junior year >still a little more, less related to her but still pretty despressing imo
>>25856857 I'm 24 now and I would live a much better life if I went with her. She always wanted me to quit drinking and snoking and to study for a good future and I went clean while I was with her. Afterwards went hard into weed that fucked up my head. As another anon said, Bob Marley smoked weed grown in someones garden, we smoke weed grown in a lab. After weed didn't help me be happy I got into the club scene with pills and MDMA and made a good bit of money off it. Ended up killing that path aswell and I could've managed a club's security and drug flow but went thru a coke addiction. I wasted so much time doing stupid shit for no reason when I should've just got my shit together, I hate to dwell on it but I just fucking hate the fact on I am that hollywood stoner kid that always slipped by doing zero and getting F after F on my report card but I had the chance to change and didnt take it. Now I get to watch my mother die of a disease I could've helped prevent with money for medicine. I fucking hate my life r9k, I had some chad moments but its not worth it, stay indoors and neet, some humans are simply not meant to be here.
I wish I had stood up for myself in 5th grade when I was getting bullied. I wish I would have asked out this girl to prom in HS. I wish I would have dropped more hints at this girl I used to work with. Now shes with some other guy now. None of those are really life changing but my life could have been a bit happier.
forgive me if i fuck this up, never done a greentext before but here it comes >third grade >have a couple friends, one autist and an ugly ass mofo >didn't care about social standing though, was happy >one day lining up to go inside from recess >autist friend pushes me into bushes, says no one cares about me >look around expecting sympathy, or at least a helping hand >everyone looks, but no one says anything >feels like years go by, staring into my peers indifferent eyes >realize i'm a total loser, end up becoming suicidal either that or in 5th grade when we had to learn how to dance. Since no girls would dance with me i had to dance with a kid who bullied me and never got to practice the boys part, didn't even think about that when the dance finally came around, not like it really mattered though since no girls would dance with me anyway
I once had a gun pointed at a friend of mine, not knowing that it was loaded. My finger was on the trigger and I was putting weight on it, but something came to me and told me to point it away from him. I did, fired it, a bullet came out, and to this day, he will never let me live it down. However, had I not pointed it away from him, he would be dead, I would be in jail, etc
My life has no defining moment. There wasn't one moment that could have turned it all around of drastically changed the course of my life. It was just little things. One after another they added up to what I am today.
Choosing my college entirely based upon not wanting to leave my oneitis who I was head over heels for, even though she had a boyfriend, somewhere in my dark, autist mind, I thought that they would break up as soon as college started and I would swoop in to save her and date her.
This fantasy led me to get sloppy on my exams and lose out on a specific grade I wanted for one of my subjects.
Leading me to compromise my subject choices entirely and end up picking the same subjects she did. Watching others do the subjects I truly wanted to do all because I was whipped on some crazy unrealistic fantasy motivated and conditioned by self-improvement memes.
>they didnt break up >i was stuck doing bullshit subjects >tried to drop out and start a fresh >other colleges wouldnt allow it >they break up, she completely stops talking to me >no clear reason whatsoever >finally diagnosed mental illnesses >paranoia >A.D.D >depression >made me an insomniac >cant bring myself to go to college >cut myself off from everyone >drop out >cant pursue career i truly wanted >(i could, but it will take extensive steps) >dont think i can handle returning to studying anymore with A.D.D and depression
all i had to do was let go.
ive done it now when its too late, but then i was too fucking weak.
>>25853854 I should have never pissed my dad off and gotten kicked out. I called him a fatass when he wouldn't let me visit my mom over easter break. I never talked to him after that. A few years later he died and I never got to say goodbye. I am pretty well off now, I have a good construction job. I Inherited his house and his vehicle. Some days I just wonder what I could have been. He used to travel the world working on industrial plastic injection presses. He got tired of that and became self employed buying fixing and selling cars. I used to love helping him and learning all I could. He was an amazing electrician, plumber, carpenter, you name it. He had a vast wealth of knowledge to pass on and I threw it all away. My mom did her best, I don't hold anything against her. It was all my fault.
>>25857195 It's alright, I got so numb from emotion on cocaine that I literally have zero cares, hopes, or dreams. When I was locked up both times I got into fitness a lot and had a dope ass boxing trainer in my boy's home. Still though, being fit can't make up for being an empty shell. My depersonalization is so intense anymore that right now I feel like you aren't even another human contacting me, I just feel so off, like I don't belong anywhere. My pyschsis is like a lightswitch, some days all I hear is ringing phones, people talking behind doors, and worst of all shadows creeping around my apartment. I'm doing much better after my addiction withdraws however, those were a true test of manhood, but sadly I'm still unfulfilled and my mother is slowly dying and I have to watch it every week even though it could've been prevented if I had gotten a better job and didn't get booked. Planning on blowing my brains out once my mom passes, it just saddens me to know my body won't be found for months because nobody would check in with me. Sorry for long replies, really had to get this all out, thanks for asking about it and I'll lurk for a while if you wanna post or hear more.
Dropping out or deleting my facebook upon discovering an awful pic that i had no power to remove. Sounds silly but it led to me eventually losing contact with 99% of my social circle and becoming a true robot. My self-esteem at the time was shit, now everything's just numb.
>>25857690 I hope I can go out in a meaningful, honorable way. I try my hardest to not feel guilty but watching someone who gave her all to try and make you something die is so terrible. I've been hoping that I can make it into the army despite being a felon and die in service so that I can leave all my savings and the insurance to a cancer or childhood trauma charity. I hate to know others will go down my same path. I just wish I could've helped the people that died/will die due my mistakes.
>>25857637 Thank you for reading and lurking, but to me, it's the reason I am who I am, ever since I was seven and I watched a random dog get hit by a car. It slowly ate away at me, at first with impulsive thoughts, things like not being able to control your own mind and thinking "I should just stab everyone here" or "I should just say fuck it and smash this coworkers head in with a hammer". It got much worst after highschool and mid early 20's. During my withdraws were the worst however, I was determinded that I was not human. I severed my stomach open once when I relapsed to see if I was human or not. I got therapy and saw a doctor however and after I was treated and knew what I had I felt better but I will never feel normal, I never had. I wish I could say something like "I'm gonna 180 my life and save my mom and become a true man" but life broke me at a young age. I've always had the smarts, humor, and looks to become the best of the best but my mental health destroyed me. I try not to think of what could be what but I have to but survivor's guilt is a true evil. In all I can only describe depersonalization as what broke me, when I was a child and didn't understand it and even as an adult, it lurks in me and even when I'm taking a piss I wonder if there's any actual life around me.
>>25853854 >What was the defining moment of your life?
>That one moment where if you had acted differently, your life would now be objectively better?
fuck that shit ill tell you about a moment that made my life a whole lot better, fuck your depressing shit
When i finally learned to tell people to fuck off, that i dont need them and they are shit, or better yet just look at them, smile and chuckle when they are trying to be "superior"
>working at a mod yard >blah blah blah, usual shit, go grind, cut and measure pieces and fit them together >Foremans an asshole, what else is new >kinda afraid of heights but no biggie, 99% of the work is below 20 ft which im fine with, some people are afraid of Confined spaces but not me >tell Foreman this >Foreman then has me working at heights every single fucking day >i WOULD normally just do it and shut up, but not this time >go to Construction Manager that i KNOW does Coke with Foreman, submit a complaint >wait >wait >here it comes >get called in >Construction manager beats his chest, calls himself the big boss, says that i logged a complaint against one of his best Foreman(trying to intimidate me to take it back) >normal me wouldve done it out of fear of job but as i said i had enough bullshit and didnt care >say that if thats his best Foreman that he must have be shit himself >he gets red in the face >tells me to say that again >"You are a shit construction manager if you think that that piece of shit is a good Foreman, have you even ever been on the tools or have worked your way up the ladder by knowing how to wax a good knob" >hes beat red >tells me to never come back >tell him thats not going to be a problem cause his company is going down the shitter with him stuck to it
felt so fucking good, im now blacklisted with Clearstream Energies (Canada, Alberta), look them up if you want to, theres reviews for the company basically stating how shit they are and to never work for them
>>25857432 >Choosing my college entirely based upon not wanting to leave my oneitis who I was head over heels for, even though she had a boyfriend, somewhere in my dark, autist mind, I thought that they would break up as soon as college started and I would swoop in to save her and date her.
wow thats fucking dumb; sorry there is no cure for stupidity
I shouldn't have gone to college right after high school. I didn't want to, but my family convinced me if I didn't go right away I NEVER WOULD AND I WOULD BE DOOMED TO POVERTY AND MY LIFE WOULD BE RUINED. Looking back I was in way over my head. I had social anxiety almost to the point of being non-functional. It took me until October to work up the nerve to order a coffee from the cart in library, I broke out in a sweat and shuddered as I ordered, and afterwards I literally cried. I didn't want to be in school and took no joy in my work, I couldn't make friends and spent all my time alone in my dorm, and ultimately I flunked out and had to return home. 6 years later I finally did graduate from the local college, but at the expense of my youth, with very little prospects, and ultimately to futility because even if I get a great job I'm a 24 year old kv with no friends who will live a miserable life and die alone.
>>25858090 well, that is why i posted it, and i was only a teenager, a mentally-ill teenager at that, i wont use it to excuse myself completely though, i still want to go somewhere in my life so i've taken responsibility
If I stayed in school I would have moved on to uni just because that was the thing to do. But I dealt with complaining teachers and stayed home because internet and television was preferable to just getting the easy ass work out of the way. I didn't even have a good home life, at my mothers I was resented for being quiet, at my fathers I had to put up with his alcoholism.
I did this for 6 years, not even half assing school but quarter assing it. I even had friends at the time so going there wasn't terrible. I could have made up this wasted time by now but instead I did nothing for years. When I get to a point everyone else reached long ago, then I have no idea what to study, and I only want to go there because I've seen what working for shit money for a lifetime does to a person but I'm not even likely to get a useful degree because I'm terribly lazy and unfocused and everything is too uncertain and pointless.
I had a pretty normal childhood, not all that many friends, but I was happy enough. Went into highschool ambitious, good private school, planning to go to a good college. Start to burn out with work. Start with weed and drinking, but it wasn't that bad, probably saved my life a couple times.
Senior year was when I broke out of normie-hood by mistake >gf dumped me >hate school, teachers, homework >good grades because smart, but very lazy >see everyone around me planning lives they know they'll hate, just to make money >"fuck it " >go downtown, throw rock through store window >want to get arrested or something, but I get scared and run off >realize that I hate the world, and I'm a piece of shit >stop trying, only show up a bit to school >graduate, barely
3 years later now, in state college, shit grades and all that. I blocked everyone I knew from highschool, but they all hated me eventually. No gf, not gonna try to get another. Family kicked me out cause I called my mom a bitch.
Nothing is even really wrong with me. I have no excuse to be like this. I wish I were actually autistic or something, then I could actually understand all this.
>>25858854 Take advatage of your numbness. Become one with it. Use it to twist your reality into what you want through any means. Backstab, break hearts, and don't give a fuck. That is, if you are truly numb.
>>25858954 But I don't want anything out of my reality.
I don't want work, that's just a treadmill of bullshit. My family will always hate me, and I'm fine with that, they were never really there for me, I barely even know them. I can't drink without binging anymore, but I still smoke weed pretty often so that helps me feel better, but sometimes it's too much effort to even get my stuff out.
I just want to exist outside the world and nothing more. If I didn't get hungry I'd stop doing anything at all and just sit till I die
>>25857432 christ this is the opposite of me >pick a college that's far as fuck away from my gf >constantly think about how she might be playing me behind my back >grades struggle, cynicism drives me into neurosis >relationship crumbles because of it
>>25859994 February 23rd or 24th, 2013. Started my first job and was into it by two months. Out of NOWHERE I get a text from someone. Six texts in I realize it's my ex from highschool who left me for a legally-ordained pedophile and I didn't even ask who it was until I dropped her name and she was surprised. Or at least acted surprised. Who knows if she just held onto my number.
She tells me he strangled her until she passed out, then drank a bottle of rubbing alcohol in some lame way to off himself. He gets sent to a state funny farm. You know, the type where an armed guard tells you exactly where to park and the waiting room in the lobby looks like a fucking pre-k classroom.
For a month solid while he's away I visit, refill her fridge because she had LITERALLY nothing, and we sleep together a number of times. I quickly realized I still had feelings for her. Legitimately, not this "I'm lonely so why not" shit.
...long story short, she stays with the pedophile schizophrenic for two years, he beats her further, knocks her up, and leaves her while she basically conned me out of thousands of dollars and battered the fuck out of my soul (constant prostitution/suicide threats) doing so.
As of today she has a kid who's like...16 months old. No job. Barely taking classes. Student loan debt through the roof.
Meanwhile I went from part time to full time in that span, got an associate's, live in my own place, car's getting fixed up so it's not a complete junker, and I just wish she didn't let her life spiral down so far when I remember how she was when she was with me in highschool.
>>25853854 First few weeks in college, UK not uni. I'd had friends my entire life until then. If I had made a few I wouldn't be so autist now. 4 weeks pass and no friends made, impossible to join a group now went 2 years billy style.
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