It's 5:30 AM right now. Today is my 22nd birthday. I know the damage of failure is done, irreversible and deep. My life will never be that of a normal person and at best I can only hope for a prolonged survival with as little misery as possible. I have missed the crucial ingredients of the formation of a person during their youth. My father is downstairs, hopefully asleep, but his cancer is painful and keeps him awake. He too, is all too aware of my failures and I know his hope for me was abandoned years ago. We don't know what to say to each other when in the same room alone. I know he is so disappointed in me, he knows I know this. The anxiety washes over me now and my chest feels strange, like when you haven't had a cigarette in too long and tour body knows it. There are no tears left in me, and I am only numb. Truly, the contents of this thread will have no affect on any aspect of my situation or console my mind one bit.
Wish me a happy birthday.
I'm by no means perfect or the greatest person. I've trolled this board a few times, I used to be a real shitty person. Just once though I would like to help someone, to actually help change them for the better. I used to be like you op, if you actually want a real friend let me know.
I know this feel, I know it too well (minus the cancer).
We're just animals, be the best animal you can be without worrying about fitting in or getting somewhere. You're free range now OP, no one can touch you, you're out of your chains.
Happy Birthday OP.
I brought a song for you as a present.
It's never too late to be who you wish to be...
I doubt this is the first regret you've ever felt. If you both know how the other feels then just talk to him and tell him that you want to sort yourself out. If his cancer is that bad then he'll probably realise that when he's gone you'll be part of what's left of him, and it is partially in his own interests to help you out while he can.
Doing nothing won't solve anything though. I bet you do this every year, especially turning 19. After turning 18 everyone sees the world as open to them and expects their life to change massively, but turning 19 is the kicker when you realise nothing's changed.
You're three years older, and you'll always be now.
You based this thread, at least in part, off the ending monologue of American Psycho