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Can we just have an autistic/aspie feels...
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Can we just have an autistic/aspie feels thread? I'm having a bit of a meltdown and just want to talk to people about it.

>visit sisters for break
>sister says that one of my childhood friends lives in the same neighborhood as her and that he's not doing too well
>conversation turns to how he always seemed "off" somehow and how he seems to have sensory problems
>the bouncy toe-walking thing gets brought up
>it suddenly clicks for sister
>"Wait, that's how YOU walk."
>dad immediately butts in and says that I'm "normal" and "just fine," and when it's made clear a few seconds later that I'm not "normal," he says that I'm "unique" twice, the second time more insistently
>tfw realizing that "unique" and "gifted" meant all along that I'm a fucking mutant
>tfw the way I walk and move is one of the first things everybody points out about me, and I thought it was somehow endearing before realizing that it was clearly wrong somehow

>tfw you look at somebody for a few seconds, and when they look back, you immediately look away so as not to seem "creepy"
>tfw you're not sure if you're welcome in a group of people or how to appropriately make an entrance, so you watch for while and then just leave, realizing much later that you were being creepy

>tfw the fabric on your clothes causes you to have a fucking meltdown mid-walk to class, and people are fucking staring at you as you try your best to just keep trudging forward
>tfw music theory and composition is honestly your hardest class despite music synesthesia because it's like playing with fucking fire
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>tfw it's made clear that just your face and the way you move seem wrong somehow
>tfw seeing a photo of yourself and realizing that you're "off" somehow
>tfw hearing your own voice on a recording and realizing that you don't even sound right
>tfw realizing that nobody can see what's going on behind your eyes and that you just look like some kind of freak or monster on the outside
>tfw you've been flat-out told that you look "evil"
>tfw you give a little girl on crutches a ride to her stop in the middle of a blizzard and people call you a "creep" for it
>tfw realizing that "creepy" is a woman's DNA fucking screaming at her to stay away from you because you're a fucking mutant and on some primal level you're supposed to not reproduce
>tfw there's no look you could pull off without just ruining the look by wearing it
>tfw nothing you enjoy, say, wear, do, or represent could ever be cool just by its association with you

Jesus fuck, it's actually starting to hurt. Who else /creepy/ here?
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>tfw realizing that nobody can see what's going on behind your eyes and that you just look like some kind of freak or monster on the outside
goddamit that hit hard.
I tried to be as likable as possible to those around me but they all reject me on some level because of my appearence. Now i feel nothing towards normal people since its clear to me im not human.
That is called anxiety, not autism. Autistic people do not give a fuck or can even comprehend what other people are thinking.
>Now i feel nothing towards normal people since its clear to me im not human.
I'm trying to avoid getting there. I don't want to close off my heart to people, but it's fucking hard. I feel like there's no way I could express myself sincerely and openly that wouldn't just automatically result in cringe, and clearly trying to avoid being creepy has just made me look like the next Adam Lanza. I've considered using art and poetry, but again, I don't feel like there's anything I could touch without imparting cringe to it automatically.

>tfw people seriously used to joke about you shooting up the school
>tfw some random fucking dude on the street screams at you for walking "like a fag"

You honestly don't have a clue what you're talking about.

I have some pretty serious anxiety as a result of being on the spectrum and of the complications that go with it, but I don't have a lisp, poor motor control, 5 separate kinds of sensory overlap, a weird gait, a penchant for ranting at people, no comprehension of body language, an aversion to eye contact, narrow and childish obsessions, severe allergies, and hypersensitivity to sound and light touch because of "anxiety."

I know a lot of people think that we don't have emotions and completely lack empathy, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I can comprehend what NT's are thinking pretty well when I'm not totally blind to how it's communicated.

And believe it or not, the screaming manchild who flips out and gets violent over trigger sounds and hits himself has emotions, too. He's just not lucky enough to be able to communicate. I've met people with "real autism," and they're basically me, but without the ability to say "Could you please stop whistling?"
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>sitting in the waiting room at the doctors
>had been sitting in there for nearly an hour at this point
>anxiety has been building the whole time so far
>sweating a lot and shaking a little bit
>sitting uncomfortably because readjusting would bring attention to me
>no one has sat next to me yet, but all the seats except the ones next to me are taken
>within the next 20 seconds some mum bringing her kid in sits next to me
>have to sit even more uncomfortably because of how close all the chairs are to each other
>10 minutes pass
>leg and back are aching from the way I'm sitting
>I'm sweating and shaking still
>I'm getting really float-y and disconnected feeling
>spend the next 10 minutes thinking about how I'm finally going to kill myself and how I don't need to see the doctor because I'll be dead
>literally on the verge of tears when the doctor came out and called my name
>the anxiety lessens a lot because I know he's a doctor and will see 50 people in a day and he'll forget any weird shit I do
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>tfw some random fucking dude on the street screams at you for walking "like a fag"
are you me?
Wow. What got you that tense? Being out? A difference in your routine (I don't like appointments for that reason; they feel intrusive even if I know they're coming)? Being self-conscious? Sensory overload?

Sorry, I really don't get much there except the re-adjusting part. In any case, yeah, it's pointless to worry about a doctor who sees patient after patient judging you. Whatcha seeing the doctor for?

In a cosmic sense? Kinda.

In any case, the walk kinda makes me self-conscious sometimes. It's the one thing that people always point out to me, and it makes me pretty acutely aware that me being different is immediately obvious to people.
I ended up going late in the afternoon on a work night, so lots of people were trying to squeeze their appointments in. All the people, along with quite it was threw me off badly. Any place where I have to sit still and someone could be watching, thinking about how I'm a weird, disgusting fatfuck always makes me lose it.

I had an ear infection.
kek, try living in Eastern Europe. I get that on a weekly basis
>really bad anger problems when playing certain games
>Smash my fist against the wall until my knuckles fill with 2liters of blood
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wait wait wait
you walk on your toes too?
fabric rubbing together makes you aggravated?

all the other stuff describes me as well, but I didn't know other people had those problems. Is there some underlying causality that links all of these?
You could just stim. I hate sitting in situations like that, too, so I just pace. It's a bit off-putting, but the people who know me aren't unnerved by it, and strangers judge each other shittily all the time anyway.

>try living in Eastern Europe
I'd rather not live in white Somalia, thanks.
>you walk on your toes too?
>fabric rubbing together makes you aggravated?
Yup. The feeling of my own pants brushing against my skin as I walk is enough to make me have a meltdown.

>all the other stuff describes me as well, but I didn't know other people had those problems. Is there some underlying causality that links all of these?
Yeah. Autism.

Believe me, it was a surprise when I found out, too, but it put a lot in perspective.
you're stupid as fuck lmao.
>been depressed since early teens
>realised around age 16 it wasn't just "angst"
>social anxiety and other came along with it
>it's been getting worse ever since
>I think I've developed other defects in my personality
>never really discussed it fully or vented with people irl
>any online tests i've taken indicated i'm in pretty deep
>get to uni planning to seek help with a department
>realise that there is no benefit to this as it couldn't ever "cure" me
>it will just be recorded and I will be told the same bullshit everyone tells me when I feel down
>i've just started putting on a fake smile
>faking my way into friends (more like aquantances)
>I'm at my best when I brace everything and turn my whole personality numb and fake everything
I just don't know what to do
it's getting worse
a lot worse
I don't feel anything for anyone
I need help
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>Is there some underlying causality that links all of these?

People pointed out my autismo bounce and Ive fixed it. Just work on it anon, christ. Ive also accepted Im creepy and make people uncomfortable, so Ill casually stare them down and as they pass chuckle about how much of a judgmental fuck they are.
>1rst grade crush on a girl
>walk her home on days she's not busy staying after on the playground with other kids
>grabs my hand on one walk, we hold hands and say nothing during or after
>she gets ready to move end of 2nd grade and gets everyone else's phone number, when I ask she tells me she doesn't remember it
>reunited in 7th grade and I am a fat greasy autist, barely pays attention to me

fast forward 5 years when we are all out of awkward teenage years but still getting drunk in parent basements.

>no more acne or fatty
>approach her
>she laughs with an arm around her by a fatty "chad" who pumps and dumps her

Also that unrelated incarceration from heroic schizo feels and then back to isolation because I have to win every 1/10 person I meet because they think I'm weird and tiptoe with crooked legs and grin all crooked with my lips covering my teeth because they look bad.
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looks like we have a pretty similar story than, I too have a father who says things like that.
I always figured autism was possible, but didn't know other problems I had could be attributed to it
>See picture of yourself
>Looks like something out of cringe thread even though you're not doing anything

>Can't wear certain kinds of shirts because they hurt my nipples
>Don't enjoy wearing shorts at all and wish I had some trackpants to work out in

>Shoes are a grand total of three sneakers, one a hideous white, one dirty and gray/green, and the other black and worn out.
>First is a Reebok and the other two are New Balance

>Do not comprehend how friends are made
>Women are like a separate, alien species.

>Been told I walk bouncy and weird
>Only people I can really talk to are a Black weaboo with an awful speech impediment, a man best described as CWC if he was Asian and a decent human being, and an edgelord Libertarian ginger

Life with Autism is strange. It's like everybody else is driving an automatic car while you have a manual. Sure, you'll eventually kluge it and maybe even figure it out, but nobody else knows how to drive one so they can't really help you.
I like my bounce, though. My dad says it reminds him of how my mom used to walk, and it kind of warms my heart that something about her is alive.

I know this is probably selfish as fuck (WAAAAAH I don't like how I'm treated but I don't want to change), but I don't really want to "work on" or "fix" anything about myself. I genuinely try to be the best person I can be, and I'm just hurt that people can't see it.

>dem trip sevens

>looks like we have a pretty similar story than, I too have a father who says things like that
Yeah? Lemme guess, you were held to a preposterous standard of accomplishment because you were supposedly some kind of genius baby, but your dad refused to acknowledge or accommodate the fact that you were different in any other fashion?

>I always figured autism was possible, but didn't know other problems I had could be attributed to it
Sensory issues, especially, are often comorbid. So is sensory overlap. Do some research. It might be pretty enlightening.

>See picture of yourself
>Looks like something out of cringe thread even though you're not doing anything

FUCK, I hate that feel.

>It's like everybody else is driving an automatic car while you have a manual. Sure, you'll eventually kluge it and maybe even figure it out, but nobody else knows how to drive one so they can't really help you.
That's a great way of putting it.
>Yeah? Lemme guess, you were held to a preposterous standard of accomplishment because you were supposedly some kind of genius baby, but your dad refused to acknowledge or accommodate the fact that you were different in any other fashion?
guilty as charged

I've already done a fair bit of research on it, I had a stint where I obsessed over neurology and psychology and learned a good amount of it. I just never felt I had that extreme of a case of it, although it sure makes a bit of sense
>weight 400 pounds
>obese since childhood
>it was always made clear to me that I didn't belong
>that I was disgusting
>spend all breaks eating instead of playing
>because who would want to play with you
>parents treat you like garbage too
>start lashing out
>now teachers and other parents hate you too
>kicked out of middle school only allowed to graduate
>highschool is the same except by the third year I manage to make some friends
>only time I was happy in my entire life
>looking back I treated them like shit and they all hated me
>this was later on confirmed by them
Ivan pls i live in Rio de Janeiro Brazil ( AKA: Chad capital of niggerland ) i get it pretty much once every 2 days not to mention the stares
Ah. Well I know that feel. I try to be cool and nice but I got that flat autismo facial expression and Ive been called a serial killer/rapist many times. The truth is Im just daydreaming a lot.
Get help, then. Frankly, this place isn't a good spot for it. It's a fantastic avenue for finding people who will actually "get it," but it's also toxic and self-defeating as all hell.

And believe me, 99% of people are "faking it."

So close to getting the trip nines after the trip sevens.

In any case, I have to wonder whether our dads' attitudes are better or worse than the "autism mamas" who publicize and blog about it constantly. There's something to be said for blind overconfidence.

That's one thing i don't like about being on break. My grandparents' place is in this swarthy-as-fuck harbor town, and my shitty posture and body language make people think I'm "mad-dogging" them or otherwise draw negative attention. I had to pull my knife just as a result of the way I walk once, and I get heckled and fucked with over nothing all the time.

>The truth is Im just daydreaming a lot.
Holy fuck, THIS.
>The truth is Im just daydreaming a lot.
you are both my niggas. I really wish we could have been friends IRL, then things would be better for all of us
It's literally as simple as eating less. Your method of coping with your problem is only making the problem worse. If you lose weight you'll have so much more self-confidence.
You ever still entertain the notion of making your daydreams into reality? Sometimes I wonder whether any of my autistic daydreams (inventions, biotech ideas, writing, animation/vidya ideas) are worth something to people who aren't me. It seems like a shame that I've got such a vivid and expansive universe in here, and it's just trapped, but I also wonder whether anything I daydream is anything except pure cringe IRL.
Hey robots, I am diagnosed but high functioning. I don't like brushes and get sadistic anger flares along with significant neurological boosts to academics, though only interesting ones.

I haven't been on this board but you guys are making me feel a little happy and a lot shit. As someone bridging the gap ie. I get the feelings of awkwardness, I would say that you need to do one of like two things.

1) take self improvement (fitness, personal care or schoolwork) as an actual step that actually makes your life better. I mean seriously if you do basic diet control then you will loose weight, if you shower and clean your teeth every day (working on that but yknow brushes) then you become more socially attractive.

2) Start memorising shit, I read wikipedia for about three years in the boring parts of highschool, you do not understand how applicable basic topics are when engaging in small talk or when discussing life. Other amazing ideas are that you should read the news religiously like I do, go to weaboo reddit world news and just start reading and engaging with issues of global importance. When some normie asks "whatya thinking about" or you need to start a conversation then you can just open up with, "Oh just thinking of the interesting geopolitical situation in the middle east with the proposed Qatari oil pipelines implications for global energy control". And if that doesn't make you the gifted one in the class then I don't know what actually will.

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>be me
>been unemployed for two months after a failed attempt to branch out
>back at dads
>sucks, nasty ass dog and no money
>go to retail cuck job and apply
>qt girl from highschool works there
>try talking to her
>she seems genuinely interested in talking
>start stuttering and ranting in my responses
>awkwardly stumble away with a monster in hand
>may be my only luck for a job
>if I get hired I'll have to not creep her out, accidentally
>don't wanna date her, just want people to know I'm not a deviant, monster, freak, etc
>I feel like everyone else
>we ALL feel like everyone else

Whether it's autism or depression and anxiety in my case.

One day we'll all machine gun the normies and make them all feel the hell they sentenced us to. They'll know what anxiety is, they'll know what contempt is. Something is going to change, either things will get better or we'll take vengeance with interest.

3) finally make people talk about themselves, the best thing to talk about is your own life and your own views, well that's what Normie's think. Simple things like " how's your weekend going" or asking something about your last talk can prompt deep social interaction. Other things like nodding in agreement, eye contact and smiles show engagement and reward them for talking to you, which makes them more likely to do it again. If you feel like you can then ask questions about what they said, be inquisitive but not rude, this shows that you listen and give a shit about whatever bullshit their dealing with, something that can build friendships overnight.
Alright you robots I love you all and think that its fucking lucky I'm not fully exposed, though I hope it helps <3

Oh also am IRL faggot and was wondering if that is more common in repressed persons, yknow with relationships being delicate things based on smiles and hugs instead of love and that shite
>lucky I'm not fully exposed
I dunno. Sometimes I wonder if being more "fully exposed" would be helpful. That way, at least, it might be clear to people that I'm a bit different but not actually bad.

Sometimes I wonder whether being decent at coping and hiding it just hurts me. When somebody just clearly has Asperger's or some shit, it seems like people are at least understanding, if patronizing at times. Sometimes I feel like it's a raw deal having it just as hard and being just good enough at seeming normal that you just come across as a creep.

I'm not machine-gunning strangers just because they're normies.
I get it.. thats so sad
because he has cancer
I thought about it once but it is so cringey that if i manifested it out of my head its autismo mass would collapse on itself and form a black hole that would consume the universe.
>he is not machine-gunning strangers just because they're normies.
Come on now, its 2016!
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I got called a cheater today in my history exams, the other kids don't know I'm on a high dosage of ADHD meds and have to get ear defenders to open up my true potential.

Feels not good to be called a cheater and for kids to shit on high grades, I'm getting a job at lloyds out of school but doesn't make me feel better than them.
>Can we just have an autistic/aspie feels thread?

Every thread here is an autism thread
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>have to get ear defenders to open up my true potential
>have to get ear defenders to open up my true potential

OP here.

HOLY FUCK, I thought I was the only one who did this! No joke, I have a pair of these fuckers in my dorm for when I have meltdowns from sensory overload or need to focus.

Not gonna lie, I get super self-conscious when i wear these things, but sometimes I need them. Probably had people staring at me during the algebra test, but fuck it, I got a hundred sitting in my own little corner with my ear protection.

Jesus Christ, you have no clue how much of a fucking rush I'm getting just knowing that somebody else does this. It honestly warms my heart.

Holy fuck.
One day we'll all machine gun the normies and make them all feel the hell they sentenced us to. They'll know what anxiety is, they'll know what contempt is. Something is going to change, either things will get better or we'll take vengeance with interest.

Nothing well ever change. I honestly just don't think humans evolved to live the way they do now. We were meant to be running around the forests, hunting, building little huts, praising the Moon Spirit or whatever, and being content. We weren't meant to interact with hundreds of people a day or face the complete over stimulation that modern society has given us. The stresses are just as bad as the reliefs. Most people can adapt and survive in the new world, even be truly happy. We just have some genetic flaw or failure in child rearing that made us incomplete and keeps us from feeling the way they do. Somehow they can go through a day automatically responding to and interacting with hundreds of people and without ever even thinking about killing themselves. I don't know how they do it, really. We always like to think that we're smarter than the Chads, but really we're dumb as fuck. They're socially smart in a way we just can't be.
I'm not really gonna shoot normies I'm just speaking out of hurt.

See, you are normie in disguise

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>girl asks "Why do you walk like that?"
>don't think much of it
>3 years later
>bring it up with relatives in a conversation
>"Well, you do kind of walk different."
>realize that everyone my entire life has noticed it but me
>suddenly break into a cold sweat and can't stop shaking for over an hour
>realize that everyone my entire life has noticed it but me
AAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH FUCK that's what got me thinking about this topic.

I seriously considered just asking people I know if they think I'm weird or have autism. The only person I have asked confirmed that he knew I had sperg. I thought I was blending in, but apparently I wear this shit pretty outwardly.

I'm no normie!
*hugs anyway, nice and tight without a hand on your back or side*
>tfw you look at somebody for a few seconds, and when they look back, you immediately look away so as not to seem "creepy"
>tfw you're not sure if you're welcome in a group of people or how to appropriately make an entrance, so you watch for while and then just leave, realizing much later that you were being creepy
all me mane. all me.
Humans are social creatures, we are surprisingly good at picking that kind of stuff up about other people.

Oh wow I wish i thought of this today. I had an accounting exam and the electronics/air conditioning in the room was causing a really high pitched noise and it was playing hell with my tinnitus. Could not concentrate for at least a good 30 minutes and even after it was still noticeably affecting my concentration. At the risk of looking like an idiot i should of just worn my headphones to block out that god damn annoyance!!
idk if I am a aspie
I have ADHD though
I am very clumsy, walk pretty weirdly, but I never had a meltdown and I am not THAT sensible to touch
>tfw adjusting my pants, shirt, and hair constantly because it feels so irritating
>tfw looking around and realizing nobody else really does that
>tfw realizing just how fucking weird and off-putting you are

take inspiration from other creepy autists
Oh, they're not headphones. They're even better. They're ear protection for shooting guns or using power tools. They don't even muffle the sound with more loud noise; they actually make things quiet. They're fucking amazing, even if they do scream "I have autism" to everybody in sight.

You want to know what's weird? If it's that fucking obvious that I have autism, I have to wonder how the fuck I've EVER been laid by an NT girl.

I mean, clearly I wear that shit pretty outwardly. It's clear that nobody could NOT know something's off about me, and 99% of my interactions with people make it clear that my mannerisms make me seem like a creepy mutant. No joke, I have to wonder how the fuck any NT female would ever want my dick, even if it's only happened twice.

ADHD is often comorbid or diagnosed in lieu of autism. Get checked out if you're that suspicious.

>from other creepy autists
Such as?
sometimes i wonder if i'm aspie, but i don't think a psychologist would have missed that
>Can't wear certain kinds of shirts because they hurt my nipples
well, I have difficult mantaining eye contact, but only with girls
i have difficulty maintaining eye contact with everyone, always have, but have never had an autism related diagnosis.

>tfw don't not glorious nipponese living where it's considered rude to make too much eye contact
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>tfw my dad says that I walk like my mom
>tfw people all say different things about how I walk

The range of things people say is big so I dont know how to walk normally. My dad says I walk on my toes but a friend of mine said I walk like a king with a strut. Help me robots I dont like living.
>the bouncy toe-walking thing gets brought up
Can you elaborate? I walk on the pad of my foot (not the toes) is this a sign of autism?
>walk on the pad of my foot
Filthy sneak thief.
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>tfw i hate sports because of school
>stopped going to any activities because of that and migraines
>got fatter and fatter
>now fat and sports and exercise just feels bad to think about
bump till I write a reply
I don't think so. It's this weird kind of fabric that feels like sandpaper. It's only on nice button-down shirts, too. Otherwise my nipples aren't noticeably more sensitive than the rest of my skin.
I've had that issue on tests too. It probably would be better for me to wear ear muffs during tests. Also, I have accommodations that let me test in a special testing center on campus. I'm not sure if they would let me wear ear muffs unless I had an accommodation specifically for that though.

Also, have you always had Tinnitus? I've had tinnitus as long as I can remember.
Are you me? This describes me so well.
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>That feel when you are diagnosed with High functioning Autist and you used to do all these manners until you got fed up to be labelled and started to act the opposite of what you once were.

And now I stare at people right in their eyes, am assertive, uncaring, outspoken and if one dare to bully me on the street. He will face the consequence of his own action.

I lost the ability to feel and I am now someone who just don't care anymore. I'll rather be a walking sociopath than being weak and be taken advantage off again by the normies. The price to pay is basically being more intimidating and having people angry at you for different reason cause you take no shit from anyone and spending your time mostly by yourself.
>stop shaking

Could this be a symptom of normal anxiety and not autism? I get bouts of shivering and weak knees that people stare.
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>tfw people always think I'm sad
>tfw my voice is so soft, I have to repeat almost everything I say to people
>tfw once I start talking about a topic I'm interested in, I don't think about stopping until I'm 10 minutes into rambling about it
>tfw I get nervous when I think about doing mundane tasks in public places
>tfw I randomly twitch
>tfw I'm labeled as the quiet one
>tfw people say 'just relax' and 'there's no need to be nervous' to me on a daily basis
life sucks
let out farts, they will know that you are pretty relaxed
Recently, someone stole the string I was stimming with and cut it into tinny pieces because I was stimming with it.
that is why I tell people stimming with your own dick is the most sustainable practice
somehow I don't think that would have helped.....
He also threatened to cut my watch and the strings on my hoodie.
call his mom

That really wouldn't have helped... I don't know his mom's number and even if I did, I don't think that would have helped...
well, anon

we have to kill him
I know your pain OP.
>Anxious as fuck all the time constantly hear my heartbeat, ball in throat, anything freaks me the fuck out, especially loud noises and people behind me
>Eventually learn how aspie I am in first year of Uni see how everyone uses me but toopathetic to change, eccentric personality
>alone, so alone at this point just cry myself to sleep knowing my life will be like this and that I'm a sack of shit
I wish my parents didn't try to hide it for so long they even admitted to doing it only after I pressured them into telling the truth like if they were honest from the beginning I would have been a lot less hurt and found out the easy way, but no they couldn't accept the fact I wasn't Chad (literally expected me to be doctor and valedictorian of every class, etc etc) called me worthless shit upon learning I left Uni twice.

Just end it lads.
Should probably mention not self diagnosed been in with a lot of specialists and even loony bin. Nothings been helping because poor fags get shit In the end, the promise of health insurance for poor fags is to make normies feel better about having good lives.
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Fucking, I can't win with myself.
>tfw people say I have a narrator voice, listen to it and realize my pronunciation fluctuates abnormally like a movie trailer.
>tfw everyone thinks I look symmetrical, but all asymmetry in my face is accentuated by high sensory stimulation and get actually frustrated with it. Stupid angular jaw.
> tfw people think I'm the smartest evar, have very high "IQ" but realize it means shit and think 95% is shit tier for me.
> tfw have to bite myself to calm down anger, rarely ever angry and people try and instigate it because they think it'd be funny but I don't wanna kill them, almost crushed a windpipe and cracked a skull once.
> tfw people tell me to relax, when I'm perfectly fine and they flip their shit when I'm not emotionally attached
>tfw I can't stand to have people stare at me, but cute and hot girls do sometimes.
>tfw people think I'm bad at conversation, when I'm actually bringing up things besides basic bullshit.
>tfw people talk down to me because they think I'm "special" when I outclass them mentally 96% of the time they've done it.
>tfw people attempt to fake everything but I'm blunt as hell and make them quite transparent of their douchiness and I'm then the social nazi
>pic related
he was put in his place a few weeks ago though by someone who knows I'm an Aspie.
He tried talking to me like a dog. Literally saying No! Stay! Staaaaaaaaaaaaay. SIT! Down boy! Sit!
I told I'm, "I'm not a dog" and the other person there told him that if he ever talks to me like that again he will get the shit beaten out of him.
wew nice that people are sticking out for you

now we don't have to kill him
I don't like quitters.
another time another guy who also knows I'm an Aspie made that same asshole give me back my hoodie after he had "confiscated it" because I was stimming with the strings on it.
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>dad kicks me out for being a smelly NEET
>mum takes me in and is happy and promises me that I can stay in my room
>within a week she's already getting pissed off about me not doing anything so she forces me to come to work with her
>mum's boyfriend takes me to some place to volunteer, where I have a complete meltdown and just walk off
>he gets pissed off and yells at me all night
>every fucking day they have "talks" to me about how bad my behavior is, like not saying goodmorning and goodbye and not saying thank you or looking them in the eye
>their friends come over and they get pissed off that I don't come out and talk to them
>they get pissed off that I have no friends
>start walking to store for a bit of exercise and to get snacks
>voices scream in my head to jump in front of traffic
>stress of staff watching me in the store make me freak out
>overhear people talking about me
>"why does he wear his socks like that? and his pants?"
>"haha, anon the robot"
>everyone laughs

>>tfw my voice is so soft, I have to repeat almost everything I say to people
Every time someone says "what?" I just talk even softer

kill me
Who else here was sent to a Special School?
I was in varying degrees of special ed almost my entire time in public school. I even was sent to a small public charter school specifically for kids with learning disabilities and or Aspergers Syndrome/High Functioning Autism for a few years.
You describe it pretty much for me. I am not even dangerous but going near people trigger something in their brain even if they don't know I am there. They start to look around and square themselves.
Check this

My Brother from another mother.

>Narrator voice
>use of imperfect tense when 'narrating'
>imperfect tense is not used commonly in German
>Anger issues
>Get upset if things are not even
>socially, financially, symmetrically

Walk with a strut too. Plus High IQ but didn't do jackshit with it. I can 'podcast' for hours about everything, switching topics rapidly, talk extensively and intensively.

I feel rather pathetic.

Also made a meme that still gets used on 4chan. I am obsessed with it and have taken the memery into my daily life. I literally will recite the copypastas I created 2 years ago by heart.

I think I am going insane.
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>always get told I have a bounce when I walk growing up
>see this thread

I already suspected I was autistic, but now this?
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Only thing about you is the way you walk?
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Autismobot reporting in.
> certain everyday sounds drive me fucking nuts
> hate the feel of anything soft on my skin like fabric or paper or other peoples skin
> talk with a deadpan voice all the time and completely unable to inflect emotion
> hate when things aren't symmetrical or even, goes so far that it irks me when I have an uneven amount of kills or deaths in a video game
> have imaginary conversations with people I see in my head
> day dream or have conversations with myself constantly, can't stay in reality for more than a few minutes
>People tell me I always look so serious
>Think I'm a weirdo for never smiling like a happy normie all the time
>Everyone always calls me the quiet one
>Doesn't help I've got a deep voice in a short skinny body
>Break out in cold sweats whenever I converse with a girl I don't know
>walk on tippy toes all the time
>learn it's weird and autistic to do so
>stop walking on tippy toes all the time
Wew, that's one behaviour fixed.
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>two grills walking slowly and taking up the width of the sidewalk in front of me
>spend several minutes sweating profusely and contemplating whether I should attempt to pass them or not
>I decide to go through with it
>step off the sidewalk onto the road with my jaw clenched and an awkward look on my face, commence awkward powerwalk past the grills
>they mock me for walking too fast
oh well, not like that last shred of self-confidence was of any use to me anyway
Go on Anon, tell us. What's the meme?
Those feels Opie those god damn feels
Fuck that feel. Fucking fuck it
>That feel when: Realize I'm the only one covering my ears or wearing ear protection.
>people say you walk with swag
>worry if they're making fun of me.
>even friends say it
>don't want to call them out cause itll cause a scene
>no clue what to do.
>tfw getting talked down to by literally illiterate normies just because I haven't secured access to a Moist Hole
my family used to call how I walked in a group "the drunken (Anon) walk" because I would suddenly and repeatedly switch witch side of the group I was waling on by veering in front of all of them. Also because I would move toward or away from the group and seemed to have trouble walking in a straight line.

>walking behind group of girls
>don't want to step in road because of traffic
>they have no spacial awareness whatsoever so you get stuck behind them
>eventually work up nerve to say "excuse me"
>they give you look, get out of the way
>they all giggle once you're a just in front of them
>you can hear it through your headphones
I hate that. Literally genius level IQ (professionally tested multiple times), yet people talk down to me as if I were a child. It probably doesn't help that I'm a 5'6" skinny manlet and that I have a face that makes me look young.
>work at sonic
>bring someones food out with a fake smile you expect from a 18 year old at fast food.
> "that doesn't look very real, why don't you give me a real smile" some fucking 20 year old bitch
"Sorry, I didn't get much practice as a kid so I guess I never learned how."
What a cunt.
You should have asked her if she wanted some vinegar.
Nah, my comment kinda shut her up and made her feel bad enough
for some reason people seem to be split on whether I smile too much, or not enough. I have been told both that I need to smile more and I've been told that I smile too much and it is strange. It confuses me.
right in the feels
>told I look angry all the time
>I'm actually not
>had the bright idea to apply for military and start training at home
>pushups and situps
>mom walks in on me doing situps one day
>"anon you look like a killer"
>meet sister's bf's brothers
>why do you look so angry
>I was really happy at the time
>got depressed
>still looked angry
>get told I look like frankenstein
>or a psychotic murderer
>or a nazi
this is why people turn evil
they look evil and people keep telling them they look evil until they become evil
>>tfw music theory and composition is honestly your hardest class despite music synesthesia because it's like playing with fucking fire
Can you explain this?
I know what synesthesia is but can you explain yours and what you mean by it's playing with fire?
I know that feel
"what's wrong Anon"
"why are you so sad/angry Anon?"
"you look like a psychopath, Anon"
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>had speech problems right off the bat in school
>put in speech classes
>in the third grade I notice I'm surrounded by the slower learning kids
>stay in those classes til the ninth grade
>when I'm 14 I notice a lot of my family members talk for me while I'm in the room as in telling other what I like and don't like.
>hits me at age 15

Everyone thinks I'm borderline retarded, guess there not really wrong though. I average like 80 on IQ tests.
>be me in high school
>16 y o
>friends with a social butterfly
>crush on qt from a different class
>never spoken to her and she doesn't even know I exist
>one day my friend gets a gf
>gf is close friend with my crush
>think fate was trying to get us together
>hang out with friend, his gf, crush and a few others
>crush actually seems interested in me, talks to me, sits close to me
>get to know her, not only a qt but amazing personality as well
>never have what it takes to ask her out and my friend said something about her having a long distance bf, not sure though
>eventually friend and his gf break up
>gradually talk less to crush and the others
>3 years later now
>KV, lost contact with most of my friends, NEET

Why am I such a fuck up?
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>Diagnosed aspie
>Too autistic for normies
>Too normie for autists

Sometimes I think having Aspergers is a form of hell. You're autistic, but you're aware of it.
I had the same shit while sitting in a library with a friend while under LSD. Holy shit I got so self conscious it was from another level. All my responses were reduced to simple "mhmm" and "ohh" to whatever discussion my friend tried to start simply because I was too concerned about every single person in the huge room in between the shelves listening to what I'd say. My whole body got so fucking tense and I didn't dare to move a finger.

I mean I have anxiety but nowhere that near. Not in normal circumstances at least.

I believe LSD has the power to strenghten whatever you're currently thinking about and my friend always has shit trips so I guess he infected me with negative thoughts.
>you are only your worth to others

>most of what your parents said was to

control you for their momentary convenience

>feminism is just another power play by

competing operators

>your acceptance of manners and authority

structures blinds you to the harsh

competition which lives within them just

like any criminal or competitive cohort

>human nature is expressed equally by

holding hands, war, music, sport, sex,

chess, and drudgery

>you can spend your whole life chasing

minutia to no end

>rolling over and exposing your belly to a

low level authority figure gives only

limited success and will likely prevent you

from being taken seriously ever again

>not everybody has to like you
p good
At least no one is gonna mess with you. I aways looked kind of effeminated and weak was bullied my whole life.
All this bouncing walking thing sounds cute af
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>tfw you no longer bother to interact with people and just spend all your time in your room, sleeping 12-14 hours a day and listening to music/posting on 4chan for the rest of it

i just thank jesus that i was born in a wealthy european country where NEETs can exist
No you look fucking retarded. It makes you look like a man child. It's the best way to get women to patronize you.
I get the narrator voice thing all the time. But I don't get it, I work in a fucking customer service call center, I'm just being polite. How is being polite autistic?

Also I feel like listing my issues, I'm autistic/depression/severe anxiety/OCD symptoms:

Sweaty hands, shaking, crying when my anxiety gets bad. I feel like I start losing control of my thoughts, they all spiral back to making me more anxious so I just shut down and can't even think. I'll rock back and forth a bit, and have a habit of grabbing either the underside edge of the chair I sit on, or the waistband of my pants. I can't wear my backpack on my left or both shoulders, only my right, and I typically can't carry things in both hands, but if it's only one, it has to be in my right.

I can't look up at the sky or lay on the ground because it makes me feel conscious of how tiny I am compared to the world and reminds me of the bad acid trip I had, like I'm about to fall into the sky.

Not always but I tend to only walk in straight lines along the edge of sidewalks, parking lots are hell because they're a wide open space, places like Costco and Home Depot with their tall aisles and big open spaces freak me the fuck out.

And when I get reeaallyy anxious it feels like even if I'm not actively thinking, my brain is going at a thousand miles a minute. And I also start to feel detached like I'm just watching the thoughts happen and like I'm just piloting a meat suit instead of being attached to my body. I also occasionally sit on my hands, pick my nose all the time, obsessively cut my nails and pick at/cut off the dead skin around my nails, and I almost always have to have something to fidget with.
could someone post a pic of his shoe soles, i want compare them to mine because i've been told that i walk "funny" too. but i'm not sure if i walk bouncy. but most of the rest in this thread posted describes me, sometimes a little bit more, sometimes less.
I have the same pattern. I've never been told I walk funnily.

But I've always thought I use the palms more than the heels. It's good for kneels because it softens steps. I could easily jump high from standing upright and land without making any remarkable noise. And I weigh 80 kg...
Try to find something to do alone and follow it truly with real discipline , some sets of exercises won't even need you to leave home
Try to find a job man , anything just so your mother bothers you less
My advice for all of you robots : Stop to give a fuck about what other people think , if you manage to do this , life can become pretty easier
Nothing brings me joy anymore.

When I talk I sound like an autistic slurring potato. I used to want to be a singer, a whole bunch of shit, but deep down I know the reality of it. Sometimes when I go off on a tangent then realize what I've been doing I just die inside a little more and have no more tears to shed.

Thats human nature, you're telling us to go against human nature.

Go around being confident and not giving a fuck when you look like a deformed potato standing at 6'1'' creeping everyone out. Go around pretending not to care and enjoying things alone for a long, long time see where it takes you. Keep convincing yourself you don't need people to be happy, that anime and shit posting does the trick.
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>Try to hang out with people
>All the unspoken cues, standards of polite conversation, secret rules of social interaction turn you into a ball of rage and frustration
>all these normalfags had their friends joke they were going to shoot up the school
>LITERALLY two normalfags accused me of saying I was going to shoot up the school
>the principal searches me, finds nothing, suspends me indefinitely
>have a fucking meltdown because I was already a loser and behind on classwork
>in mental ward for over a week
>get out, go back to school
>they ask I leave, mid-day, because the didn't receive a note from the doctors saying I was safe
And that was what finally made me completely hate all people and the authority they use to hurt others.
Is anyone on the autismbux?

I recently got an official diagnosis from the autism center, and apparently I qualify for free government cash
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I had no idea it was this common for aspie/autistic people to walk differently before coming to this thread.
>tfw people remember you as "that guy who walked a bit weird"
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This so much
>tfw you see the automations in the system, not only from your actions but others too
It's a well documented symptom. Look up "autism gait"
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>Go around being confident and not giving a fuck when you look like a deformed potato standing at 6'1'' creeping everyone out. Go around pretending not to care and enjoying things alone for a long, long time see where it takes you. Keep convincing yourself you don't need people to be happy, that anime and shit posting does the trick.
It's working pretty well for me so far
Most of them are so fucking stupid too. The amount of shit that just randomly offends people is absurd.
>always the quietest one in the room
>try to talk more but can never think of anything worth saying
>stop thinking about it and just start talking more
>get rid of my speech impediment, nervous voice, etc.
>end up being an annoying faggot that spouts mundane bullshit
There's no end
>tfw legit robot all my life
>nearing 30's
>in the car with parents
>radio show talking about a person who self-diagnosed autism
>just conversationally, i say "that guy's parents really did him a big disservice by not just telling him straight up so he could work on his issues with open eyes"
>car gets silent
>dad asks "why do you think that, anon"
>mom cuts him off and she's talking kind of hard
>"NO, there's NO POINT in telling him that he has any condition that other people consider a disability"
>I start to debate the point
>she cuts me off hard "NO, it's just STUPID to do that. anon, WHAT POINT ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE."
>"relax, i'm just..."
why did she get so angry?
Can you elaborate on the disconnected floaty feeling described? I sometimes feel similar, under non stressful conditions but can never put words together to describe it.
Because they did you a big disservice by not telling you straight up so you could work on your issues with open eyes.
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>tfw there are people who have gone through their entire lifetime without ever knowing they had autism or aspergers
>be me
>23 year old NEET living with my mom
>lost all interest in school when i was 11 so i stopped going
>literally haven't done anything with my life for 12 years
>had the school authorities trying to get me back into school for years
>back in what would be my high school years i overheard my mother on the phone talking about how i was "overtalented" and how school wasn't meant for me
>mom always telling me how intelligent i am and that i learn stuff fast and shouldn't waste that not going to school
>tfw realizing how my mother is trying to justify me not going to school
>sit most comfortably with my legs in fetal position
>comments on how i sit like a monkey
>walk with my feet sideways
>getting comments on how i walk like charlie chaplin
>tfw it's just the normal way to walk for me
>tfw lost all friends due to never going to school
>even the friends i kept contact with lost interest
>tfw no dreams, no future
>want nothing
>tfw just a wasting piece of human flesh.
Well, at least I still have a good relationship with my mother.
I'm not even an aspie and even have a gf but my freind told me that every other girl thinks that I am a murderer because of my eyes and that I look like a pyscho. How does that even work?

>inb4 blog
I think she really thought she was helping me ?
Instead of telling me so I can work on limiting my visible autistic habits and coming up with strategies to compensate for my shortcomings
Wtf is this autism bounce I keep seeing here? Anyone have a video or something?


Crazy people have a 1000 mile stare. They look through you instead of looking at you if that makes sense. You can see it really well in people with schizophrenia.
For me, it has to do with a panic attack. I feel like I'm in-between dimensions if that makes sense.
i think that she knows that you have autism and they never told you for some reason
and that comment sort of suggests that you have an inkling about being an autist
so your mom got mad
Do I have to work on my gaze or something? I preferably don't want to be thought of as the staring pyscho. Thanks anyway.

Don't know. I guess you could take a pic of you in a mirror and ask people here but that's up to you. It's really hard to describe with just words but once you see it you'll know. It's just a visceral feeling that something isn't right.
>no one know what it's like to have a brain injury
>i was in speech therapy
>we talk about taco bell
>therapist i never had it
>it clicks in my head that she was my boss at stop and shop
>i say you never had it when you worked at stop and shop
>she gives me a dirty look
>how do you know i worked there
>tell her i use to push carts there
>o i remember you now
>i say taylor was a bitch
>she i think txted her
>and told another therpist because she said that she use to work at stop and shop too
>for the past few days people's faces have been popping in my head
You post like you've had a brain injury.
I punched a kid I used to hang around with in the face yesterday because he called me an 'aspergers weirdo'. Pretty autistic thing to do, because it was in front of like 10 people in broad daylight.
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I can relate to so much shit in this thread. The stupid walk, tics, and interests, difficulty communicating with others, stupid sensory shit, it's all there. I'm fortunate I'm not completely ugly, but that could just make it worse with the uncanny valley effect kicking in. Even the frustrated dad and autism is awesome mom thing.

I couldn't get autismbux and might be kind of smart, I mean I breeze through tests at least. I studied psychology but after I couldn't get into research or my desired grad program I neeted it up until someone said I'd make a good nurse. I know it seems a horrible job for us but I got a job as a psych tech and really feel for these people. I guess it's what NTs call a calling. I see some who do the job right, in particular there is one nurse and a director I have immense respect for, and others who actually piss me off with how they act so unprofessional, 6 that I'm regularly in contact with who make things worse, not better.

I'm like some kind of retard whisperer with how I am able to connect with patients, even difficult ones and redirect behavior. Probably because I relate more with them than staff, I could easily be a patient there, and it scares me. I've been there mentally where these guys have been, and even brought to a hospital and almost committed once in my teens. I know autists supposedly have no empathy, but for some reason I still find myself dwelling on conversations I've had with patients months ago, and it really fucking hurts. I'm fortunate I binge read on Wikipedia. I raped the nursing entrance exam and already knew much of the basic shit like A&P, chemistry, and even many medical terms from my /fit/ obsession.

I want to protect and save all my little cuckoo birds. It's a sad job but I'm good at it. It takes a toll on you though. Thankfully I have other bird friends, old crow, wild turkey, and fighting cock.
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What if i'm conscious of doing the red ones?
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Posting Template
> I know autists supposedly have no empathy
Only true ones. Aspergers have empathy but are bad at showing it.
Does anyone else regularly sit while hugging legs?
>when you realize you are stuck in your body. Like STUCK. Trapped. You can't get out. Your skin is like a suit and no matter how much you wriggle and squirm you are fucking stuck there.
Is it possible I'm on the spectrum but have generally overcame it?

I identify with almost all of what's been said here but around the age of 17 I started forcing myself into socialization and it's almost all gotten better.

People generally like me and refer to me as a social butterfly, I've got a fiance that loves me, and I'm pretty competent at work and school.

On the other hand I still,
>have a completely monotone voice that doesn't change very much
>Almost no facial expressions that aren't goofy as fuck and just don't look right
>Don't smile with my teeth; literally can't without feeling extreme self conscious hysteria
>Walk funny; went from walking bouncy-stepped with a big backpack in middle school to a big chested "gorilla walk" in high-school then to a sort of stiff-stick up the butt walk in college
>Get angry at random times and can barely control myself when people bug me while I'm focusing on something like work
You're right , but that's not human nature , that's how every animal behaves , if we can manage to overcome this need we are able to be more than simple animals . Only care about the ones who care about you , if nobody does , fine you're as free as a bird to do whatever you please . Remember , the worst that can happen is death or pain , but those things are nothing compared to living with fear
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are you me? i don't remember posting in this thread so far...

Don't be afraid to take risks , the negative outcome of your actions can only be pain ( or at least resemble it) , but what is pain for someone who already saw loneliness and depression ?
Wow these threads would be sad if they weren't so funny. Guys its not hard to make friends, all you have to do is be confident and act like the person you really are deep down inside. People are attracted to others who act like genuine people, and who don't try and pretend to be a "Chad" or "Stacie" the only person who can change your situation is you!

I know how it feels to be an outcast, I had maybe five close buds in HS who I'd see most weekends, and probably talked to only 10ish girls all throughout. Didn't have my first kiss till 18 or a serious GF till 20, now I'm a few years older and am in an ltr and couldn't be happier! It took a lot of effort to dig myself out but again, if you're willing to change yourself it's easy! You guys are capable of making it just like myself
I have severe anger managements problems and the only way to soothe my intense bouts of anger is either through choking myself or biting my right index finger until I lose feeling in it.

Am I autistic/ an aspie/ or just a straight up psychopath? I've never been tested.
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I've never been diagnosed, but I'm aware of doing these myself

This is the second or possibly third time I've seen you post this. Each time it has become increasingly incomprehensible. I'm not kidding when I say that I am worried you may be deteriorating, anon. You should find a different therapist and start figuring out whether you are getting worse.

The only reason I have any idea what your post is about is because I spent some time trying to figure it out last time you posted it, after someone asked you for clarification since nobody could understand what you meant.
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Holly shit.... This fits me amazingly well... Then again I was told by a psychiatrist when I was in high school that I have Aspergers.
Also in terms of pain all I took in the hospital after I was hit by a car was ibuprofen. They even offered me morphine at one point and I said all I wanted was something for my headache. I had multiple broken bones including a skull fracture, facial fractures, a jaw fracture, and a broken leg. Also, I had a concussion and facial lacerations.
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>want to apply to AB
>too anxious to answer these questions in depth so it won't get rejected for being too brief
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>all these anons saying walking on your toes is an autist thing
i've done this my entire life, it's quieter and make me more agile

I know that i'm /off/, in every picture i look like i belong in special ed, especially if i'm smiling. But I guess i've never seen myself walk. Now i'm going to be self conscious about the way I walk
>it's quieter and make me more agile

what are you a ninja? just walk normally
holy shit that's fucking messed up. sorry dude
Damn that sucks.
I got sent to the principal for threatening to use a mechettie on a classmate who had been harassing me. Thankfully I didn't even get detention. They just talked to me, realized I wasn't a threat to anyone and only had said that in an attempt to be left alone, and called my mother.
Anyone else have trouble with
I used to have a copy of a class picture from when I was in a special school in high school. I'm not sure what I did with it, but whenever I looked at it it was painfully cringe worthy.
Man why the fuck do normies have to do so much shit with their face. Moving the eyebrows and the mouth and the cheeks and all that. Just fucking talk and don't require all the extra shit, or at least don't look at me weird because I don't do it. Do you expect me to do backflips when I walk somewhere as well? Do a little dance before I have a seat? No? Then why do I have to copy all of these facial movements and do them in the correct order? It's fucking gay.
I've always thought I walk weird and shit.
I think I look too"stiff" or "robotic" when I walk so it makes me kind of nervous.
Haha, I always walk on my toes. I do not like being seen or heard. So even home alone, I walk on my toes so I don't disturb my neighbors. I get anxious when I can hear my neighbors living their life. To be honest I think I belong in a cabin in the woods, somewhere nobody notices me unless I invite them over. I'm 35. I'll definitively not grow out of it. I don't want to act alphalike. To me, that's acting like an asshole most of the time. I'm able to, but I do not want to come across as such a person. I want to come across as a quit guy who does his own thing and don't give a fuck about whatever fad everyone else is following. Sadly it seems like everyone else want to "help me" be exactly what I don't want to be.
Because it's automatic to a normal person, the problem lies with you, not everyone else.
> tfw you are having photo taken

> forget how to smile, stand, hold arms by sides

> in pictures I always look retarded

> incredibly self conscious

> I once watched an entire washing machine cycle when I got a new washing machine

> my shoes are scuffed near the heels because when I brush one side I have to do the other. In private I'll spend minutes "balancing" my muscles by tensing up each muscle equally

Am I retarded? I'm in the 0.something percentile for executive functioning, but over 140 for iq. I'm high functioning, and pretty emotionally stable.
You sound like me...

The special ed school I went to in HS had me do some special program specifically to try to increase my executive functioning.
>executive functioning
Haha oh shit, I never knew this was a thing. I scored 158 on an IQ test when I was a kid, and get mid-140s on online tests, but I did a shitty online executive functioning quiz just now and it said I'm basically retarded. Is the high-IQ, low-EF combo an indicator of autism?
I don't know if there is a correlation, but the SPED school I was in in HS claimed that I had "Executive Functioning Disorder."
>tfw becoming disassociated from myself.
If I see my reflection, it doesn't click that I'm looking at myself until a couple of seconds later. I don't feel like I'm "my name", I always think of myself as "hey" or "you", just impersonal third-person greetings. Every time I hear my voice in a recording or see my face in a picture, I just feel angry at this person I see.
I'm losing my ability to enjoy things. I used to love watching movies, tv shows, cycling and reading comics.
Now I'm too scared to go outside most of the time and I can't enjoy any media other than mindlessly repetitive video games like Picross. Yesterday I tried catching up on the comics I've been putting off and I just couldn't do it. I made it through one issue and I'd already forgotten what happened at the start.
My memory's been giving me trouble for a while. People say I said or did something and I have absolutely no idea what they're talking about.

I don't know. My mind is just not working properly. And this is on top of all the normal depression and anxiety.
I think I'm just breaking down. Hopefully I'll eventually become so broken down mentally that I'll finally be able to ignore my survival instinct and fear of death.
That would be nice.
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>incoming blogpost

I know this feel

I was repeatedly called "the next Columbine" by both teachers and students when I started high school. Started getting bullied by students in grade 4, got psychologically abused by a teacher from grad 5, became suicidal in grade 6 after being ganged up on by roving groups of 5_ classmates after class, became violent and started lashing out in grade 7, became an absolute wreck in grad 8, when my mom got diagnosed with cancer.

By grad 9 they were searching my bag and locker bi-weekly, I had to report to a psychiatrist daily and a fucking pastor weekly, and my schoolwork was studied by the same psychiatrist to make sure there were no 'hidden messages' in my schoolwork. They didn't want to let me go though, I made for a good case study to justify the special ed department.

Got kicked out after grade 9 after getting into an altercation at the provincial school building and told the head of the school board to fuck himself. Had to completely switch school boards.

So yeah, I get that feel.
>22, unemployed and still have nightmares where I'm back in High School and having to deal with all that shit all over again.
>Cycling back from Job Seeker Appointment.
>Bunch of 13 year-old high school sluts standing around and blocking the path.
>Ring my bell and shout "out of the way!" at them.
>Most of them move off the path.
>One of them just stays where she is and sticks her foot out further to block the path while looking at me.
>Ride over her foot while slamming down so it hurts even more.
>She starts shouting after me and calling me a "fucking asshole" and saying she was going to report me to her principal.
It was a really minor victory in the grand scheme of things but I felt really good for the rest of the day.
My eldest brother committed suicide when I was in year 12.
The motherfucking school counselor told me, to my face, "All the other students are surprised and thought it would have been you."
Not one single person at that high school had ever met or seen my brother or would have had any notice that he killed himself. That fucking counselor had apparently just gone around telling people what happened when it had literally nothing to do with any of them.
Man, fuck that school.
>Walk all fucked up and retarded
>One day family bullies me and tells me shit like "he can't even walk right"
>Asshole guy points out I bounce when I walk

Fuck having this shitty gait.
Could of just said "excuse me". You were kind of rude there anon.
Idk man, I'm technically ADD. I'm pretty good at hiding my really weird side, but it can come through with tiredness or stress. If you can, go to a proper psychologist, I would not feel so comfortable with online scores. Btw, I am very high functioning, and unmedicated.
I was told there wasn't anything I could do about it, and just to learn strategies to plan ahead and eliminate distractions. It's hard though, because I can get distracted by literally anything. Right now, I go to a private school, which has very small classes and really advanced material. That's been helping significantly, since I'm genuinely interested in what I'm learning, and my teachers really care about what I'm learning. Also inb4 underage b8, I'm 18.
Holy fuck

I dont have autism but I can relate to like 4 or 5 of those things

Good thing I look like a chad/normie but still 4 or 5
Believe it or not I'm one of those docs. Some robots are docs too. It's OK anon, we're here to help. Hope things are going well for you. Best wishes man, I know what it can be like.
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Why was i born like a fucking degenerate anon?
Everyone hates me. I will never live a normal life, my family will never really enjoy my company, why live?
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>not saying goodbye and good morning
>not saying hello to the friends and having 3 minutes of small talk

how fucking hard is that?
quit being a lazy fuck, it's literally like 10 minutes of effort that will increase your quality of life.
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>And when I get reeaallyy anxious it feels like even if I'm not actively thinking, my brain is going at a thousand miles a minute. And I also start to feel detached like I'm just watching the thoughts happen and like I'm just piloting a meat suit instead of being attached to my body. I also occasionally sit on my hands, pick my nose all the time, obsessively cut my nails and pick at/cut off the dead skin around my nails, and I almost always have to have something to fidget with.

Are you me? The whole racing thoughts thing is bang on.

Try mindfulness exercises and shit, it uses less mental energy and lets you feel comfortable in your own damn skin.
The SPED school I went to had about 8-9 kids and 2-3 teachers per class.
The program they had me do for executive functioning was some experimental computer program. I don't think it really did anything to help...
Couple Aspergers with ADHD, my meds act like a switch; when I'm off them, I have no self or social awareness but I am fucking crazy and have minor hallucinations. When I'm on them, I can concentrate and act fairly normal, but I'm completely aware of everything I do and have to control everything manually, even my blinking.

It's meh.
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>Working in a flower bed just outside of a Library
>It's summer I'm sweating and feel like shit
>2 qt's heading to the Library
>Girl 1:"Heeeyyy"
>Get caught off guard by this and just let out a faint squeaky "Hey" back at them
>Girl 1 then says to girl 2 "Yep, he's gay"
>Girl 2 "ha ha ha"
>I return to my work

That was my last job
>autism thread
>no mention of speed walking at 300 miles per hour
>tfw people say 'just relax' and 'there's no need to be nervous' to me on a daily basis

I actually feel at ease when people say that and they say that often. I constantly feel like that I'm a dissappointment to everyone in everything all the time. I think I heard that sentence the first time form my parents after I was 22. Before that, belive me, I had every fucking reason to be nervous.
what kind of shithole do you live in?
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>end of school day
>cool form teacher handing out sweets
>four of us left
>four sweets left
>brain shutdown, autism mode auto-engaged
>fucking smack the whole plate of the sweets
>they all go on the floor
>quickly grab two
>one of my frineds went without a sweet
I fucking hate myself. Kill me already. make this pain stop. Why do I have to be born an autist.
>He walks on his toes while hopping
>This other guy hates fabric and doesn't understand music
>pants make me have meltdowns

Girl here
Lol you guys are so fucking weird
I'd take your v-cards just for the trippy experience of fucking some toe hopper person that cries in public because fabric scares him
Who here gets told to "stop rushing"?
Shit man, I am so fucking sick of those rotten normies. THIS IS MY NORMAL FUCKING SPEED! LEAVE ME ALONE REEEEEEE

Also the whole "why are you so sad" shit. The only good thing was when a patient called me a robot. If only she knew.
I know the feel man
>subconsciously walk on my tiptoes
>get weird looks
>have cross eyes
>everyone thinks im retarded
>Went to highschool prom (mum made me)
>photo time
Just imagine the look of an awkward autist with both eyes not looking at the camera. oh fuck it still hurts to this day.
I feel you man. Why couldn't we have been born without this curse?
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I feel you autist. It's only a matter of time before I become you.
>someone is going to hera me half-joking about shooting up a place
>tfw im destined to be you
I guess some people were born to be unhappy.
>Brother tells me to take some of his adderall and he says it will make my autism go away and I'll act normal and confident
>2 hours later
>Throwing shoes out the window at people as they walk by and screaming incoherently
>Police are called
>I'm told at gunpoint to drop the shoes and put my hands in the air
>Literally begin to sob and the police just feel bad for me and let me off on a warning
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Because god has abandoned us.
>at gym
>using the treadmill
>everything going fine for once
>turns out I was running funny and my headphones were making really weird swinging motions when I ran
>I was also the only person on the treadmill so I looked really out of place
I don't actually have autism (although my oh so loving mother had me checked and still treats me like I'm retarded) but I do have the weird bounce and the lack of human empathy. I tried to correct the bounce once, but realised that I walked really slowly since I have tiny fucking legs and the autist bounce uses a completely different set of muscles than normal walking and since I'm a pussy bitch I couldn't really be fucked with the pain so it all fell away after about a week. Do bounce less than I used to, though.
>no empathy
>cant stand the sound of laughter or see happy people
>Imported a PS4 game from Japan
>Hear a knock at the door when the UPS GUY is here
>Holding my breath and staring at him through the peephole
>Just drop the package and go
>Shit, apparently I have to sign for it because now he's leaving
>About to open the door when I realize I'm in boxers still
>Hesitate but he's already almost out of the apartment building so I run out anyway
>"I'm here!!"
>He turns around as he's about to get in the truck and sees me, a NEET in boxers with a 2 year long beard running at him
>Awkwardly sign it and mumble a thanks and you too
>Realize I forgot the keys and I'm locked out
>Sit outside of the apartment for two hours but it's going to be 8 hours until my mom gets home and I might freeze
>Finally build up the courage to walk to the office building of the apartment complex
>Bearded autistic NEET comes in and asks for the keys to an apartment in a mumble that they couldn't understand
>"Who are you, sir? Do you live here? What are you doing here?"
>"I locked...locked myself out...please...sorry..."
>A man from the other room walks in and asks if I'm causing a problem and if I should be escorted off the property
>"I don't want to freeze... please, I need the key..."
>He tells me not to make a scene, assumes I'm homeless, and escorts me outside of the apartment complex and to the side of the road that's off the property
>"If you come back we will have to call the authoritaries."
>Sit on side of road in middle of winter for hours until my mom drives by, sees me, takes me back to the apartment, and I haven't left since

just kill me
>be 10th grade me
>In small SPED school for learning disabilities and Aspergers
>working on my spelling workbook with mid 20 something hot female teacher's assistant
>one of the answers I have to spell "goodnight"
>Incredibly tired and only half awake
>end up writing "goodnites" instead...
>immediately realize my mistake
>frantically erase what I wrote
>glance up at her
>she has a strange look that looks like she knows
>quickly write "goodnight" like I should have to began with...
I felt incredibly embarrassed after that for at least the rest of that class.
bump 1.26
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looks like the best album of 2016 is going to come early this year
the suffering and pain of living was worth it just to hear this
Everyone says I look/act like a robot
>completely monotone voice
>stiff movements
>can't smile
Beep boop
Best album of 2016 is SWISH
Fuck, man.
>Yeah? Lemme guess, you were held to a preposterous standard of accomplishment because you were supposedly some kind of genius baby

This is the worst kind of attention to receive from parents and teachers. I was constantly told how gifted in a certain subject I was during school and late teens, but once I reached the real world it became apparent just how average I am.

Still to this day my close family regard me as some kind of genius.
Are you in the UK? That sounds familiar.
Saved this text. You inspired me to be more assertive. Thanks.
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Quick thinking.. very nice
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