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Post No. 25714057
>sitting at a house party on the couch
>been drinking vodka and cokes all night like a boss
>grill sat next to me talking
>she offers me a coffee. Not sure why, but she made that shit like a supreme wife material
>drank that shit and started talking about the skeptical philosophy of Hume and his influence on contemporary postmodernism.
> after 20 minutes feel a coffee fart brewing but figure it'll be OK
>room smokey, cats hitting the bud
>try to unleash a silent one that I can look around in an accusatory manner at some other area and make a joke out of.
>fart is one loud flatland pop, followed by the unmistakable warmth of liquid.
>horrible wet ripping sound emerges from my ass like a wet fish falling down a washing board.
>room looks over as I feel a huge spreading stain of wet shit flow around my cheeks into the couch through my jeans.
> bit of an awkward moment.
>look for a joke to lighten the mood. Grill is literally staring at me
> come with "if a shart happens in a forest with no one hears it, is there still shit on the couch?"
> crickets, even though the joke game was sublime.
> scared to move
> eventually get up. Wearing jeans so not too obvious on me, but the couch looks like a Danish beach 2 weeks after a whale slaughter
> head home and delete Facebook.
How do I rebuild my social life from scratch? Should I kill myself?