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/cripplingdepression/ general
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You are currently reading a thread in /r9k/ - ROBOT9001

Thread replies: 187
Thread images: 20
been streaming gamecube games for a few friends, thats kinda nice
other than that pretty eh right now, this break is lasting forever
how are you all doing?
also i keep fucking up the title third times the try
>>
>>25705932
It's my birthday on Friday. Don't know why but it's got me feeling more down then usual. Thought about killing myself on the way to work today. Coworkers said I look like I have a cold but I don't I'm healthy.
>>
>>25706052
How old will you be anon? Is there any particular reason you feel this way?
>>
I'm being berated by my partner for turning my arm into pic related

help

also who here /hurtingthemselves/
>>
>>25706303
Why did you delete your comment
>>
>>25706303
Have you ever gotten professional help anon? I think it would do you good, and at the very worst it couldn't hurt anything. Your college would have free resources for you

>>25706536
Never done it. Why do you do it?
>>
>>25706675
>Why do you do it?
makes me feel better for a little while

that's all really
>>
>>25706691
so like catharsis. Do you have any other ways of coping/feeling better?
>>
Not suffering from depression at the moment, but i have in the past. Far from happy right now, one shitty month away from beong a mess.
>>
>>25706703
I don't, no.
I've asked professionals to help me with this, but they've been shit.

Even a professor of psychology working as a counselor flat out said she couldn't help me
>>
>>25706743
Hope things stay all right for you anon

>>25706746
Thats pretty garbage, self harm is an issue professionals should know a lot about
>>
>>25706675
>Have you ever gotten professional help anon?
I was put on therapy and I took SSRIs. The SSRIs made things better than they had been but they're still not great and I'm getting worse again.
>>
>>25707055
Are you still on them?
>>
>>25707194
I am still on them, yes.
>>
>>25707688
Ever tried therapy? Works for some people well, maybe for you too, with your self esteem or lack of it in this case
>>
>read first few chapters of Tower of God
>premise sounds neat
>don't know of any mango that is similar that I could read
>>
>>25707913
Cant you just read Tower of God?
>>
>>25705932
I can't take it anymore Skelly my last form of escape was watching endless lets plays on YouTube, but now not even those voices comfort me. I used to listen to podcasts so I could feel like I had friends yet now I just sit in silence refreshing my computer. I don't think I can take it anymore I have nothing, I do nothing, and I have no one. How do you comfort yourself Skelly? Any hobbies? I need something anything.
>>
>>25708038
I spend a lot of time in voice chats, even if i'm not talking I can just listen to people and not feel alone. I watch a lot of bad movies on youtube as well. I also distract myself with video games but thats getting harder to do now and days. Also I get out of the house to play magic and pathfinder, which helps a lot. I realised a while ago that I'm basically living for those weekly pathfinder games.
>>
>>25707954
>webcomic
>over 200 chapters with no end in sight
meh
>>
>>25707855
I've tried it. It didn't help a tiny bit.
>>
>>25708205
oh god don't blame you

>>25708209
Some people don't get much out of it. Have you like, set any goals for interacting with people? I can reassure you that no one is repulsed by you. If anything they just don't notice you.
>>
>>25708205
You've been on here for so long but I know little about you other than you have had financial woes
>>
>>25708273
I should finish BLAME! but I have eight more volumes to go.

>>25708329
Okay.
>>
>>25708152
Thanks Skelly I appreciate the help, but I've tried those options before I just can't find pleasure in anything.
>>
>>25708447
never heard of it

>>25708539
Hmm
is there anything you could see yourself enjoying?
>>
which games OP?
>>
>>25708884
I've searched for years trying to find something but I always get sick of whatever I was doing I never have a commitment to anything I can't connect with anything. And thank you again Skelly for replying my doc doesn't even want to talk to me anymore.
>>
>>25708918
Paper Mario: Thousand Year Door. A friend bought me Pony Island to stream yesterday, don't recommend it. Its an hour too long and the story is very meh.

>>25708964
No problem, I try to respond to everyone. And I know how you feel, I've been losing interest in video games steadily for like 2-3 years.
>>
If you're "le cripplingly depressed" then fucking kill yourself, OP.
>>
I've been really okay for a really long time. I'm doing really good, even feeling happy

I've been on 4Chan a little bit lately. been having a lot of mood swings and crying a lot for unexpected reasons, been getting worse since I went clean two months ago

kinda reinforces the idea that weed was really helping me

I just can't smoke it anymore, the smoking is killing me. If I could get some edibles it might help, but I don't have any sources. I would drink but booze is kinda expensive and I don't want to become an alcoholic because it takes a few glasses to get me on the level that a few good rips takes me
>>
>>25708918
I was really hoping it was that one, it was the first game that popped into my head

so good

are you gonna put them online? I'd watch
>>
>>25709050
If the weed was helping your depression, could you maybe like vaporise it instead of traditionally smoking it? Thats got to be less hard on your lungs desu. But also give it a bit, if you were on it reguarly for a long period of time your body could just be upset that it doesn't have it.

>>25709068
It is, i love the gamecube
And they might be recorded on twitch, but I don't really want to post twitch here desu.
>>
>>25709152
the problem is that now when I get short of breath I panic

I never used to have this problem but I was at a party and I inhaled and choked and I couldn't breathe I started to hyperventilate and then I lost so much CO2 that I got pins and needles in my hands legs and hands, lightheaded, hands clamping

had to call an ambulance, I thought I was dying. took them hours to call me down

they told me it was a panic attack and I thought "okay, well, at least now I know what's going on"

I tried a tiny hit after some time had passed to see how I'd react and it was a tiny hit but it still made me cough a little and made me short of breath which just automatically made me anxious, even though I consciously knew I was fine

I don't think vaping will make much difference honestly, I've choked vaping in the past before this new development and I don't wanna chance it anymore

>don't want to post twitch here

fair enough, honestly.
>>
Honestly I feel much better keeping myself occupied.
All day long, I am training, eating, or playing music.
There are never any long periods where I can start to nod off into the haze.
I dont even have time to play vidya, im eating 7500 calories per day, running 6.2 miles, lifting an hour or two, and playing guitar for a few hours. I feel like a machine. Soon I shall bve a god.
>>25709013
He just dosent like writing papers, If he were extremely depressed he would not have the energy to post
>>25709050
Find a new drug thats good for you. Reading, exercise, music, math, science, history, anything. Take your mind off the lettuce.

>>25705932
>friends
>>
>>25709325
what do you eat in a day?

>>25709325
I'm doing plenty of stuff, it's not that I'm bored or in withdrawal or anything

I don't miss the weed

I just cry a lot lately and find myself on 4chan more than usual

and usually I only come on 4chan when I'm feeling down and it tends to make me feel worse

I do feel pretty okay

just crying a lot for no reasons and being really mood swingy
>>
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>>25709407
Breakfast
Eggs - Scrambled (whole egg), 6 large
Milk - Whole, 3.25% milkfat, 16 cup

Lunch
Bread - Whole-wheat, 6 slice
Peanut Butter - Extra Crunchy, Jiff, 6 Tbsp
Nutella - Nutella, 2 ounce

Snacks
gold standard - Protein Drink, 2 scoop
Ritz - Original Crackers, 35 crackers
popcorn - Kirkland, 1 bag

I eat that every single day, which is 5500 calories.
I eat a different dinner each day, (today it was grilled chicken), so I leave that out. It ususaly is around 1500-2000 calories.

So all in all, I eat 7000.
I burn like 3000 from running and lifting.

I have decided I prefer strength over abs, so I am no longer below 10% bodyfat, I still have a visible 6 pack, but its not as defined.


Why are you crying?
Are you a girl?
>>
>>25709522
oh and the milk is spread throughout the day, not just brekfast
>>
>>25709311
Oh man thats a big problem i've had too, i've called the ambulance and everything thinking I'm dying. I'm on anxiety meds that help a lot, don't have panic attacks but I still have anxiety

>>25709325
>>25709522
>>25709550
Post more handsome men
>>
>>25709587
Have something to tell us skelleton?
>>
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>>25709660
its not gay if its for motivation
>>
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>>25709691
Heres one for you to jack off to skelleton
>>
>>25709587
I'm in a country that I have no status in and no health insurance so it's gonna be a few months before I can see a doctor and see about meds

I don't really want to take any meds

I think this might be a case of "my computer turns off when I press this button" "Okay. Don't press that button."

I'm sure it's all gonna be fine, my husband has been really cool and super supportive and caring

I just wish I could stop crying all the time, I'm worried I'm going to freak him out
>>
>>25705932
Getting harder to stay afloat.
>>
>>25709660
I'm queer senpai

>>25709691
its not gay if you don't call him the next day

>>25709708
what

>>25709737
MEds can really help, as long as you don't get something that completely conks you out. Anti anxiety meds don't really do that. Glad you have someone supporting you, and I'm sure he won't freak out if you just/have explain/ed the situation

>>25709754
Whats up anon
>>
waiting for her to message me back

being absolutely buttblasted about how sex ruins everything good in life

listening to some drone and wondering if I should cry now or later
>>
>>25705932
>crippling depression
>"yeah i play video games a bunch and tripfag on 4chan :)) depression sure is tough!"
>>
>>25709763

Too much, and I don't even know what to do.
>>
>>25709773
sex doesn't always ruin everything

something it makes it good in life

cry now, buddy

seriously. embrace the hurt. Feel it. Let it remind you how alive you are. Process it. Let it happen.

>I'm not a robot

goddamn right you're not
>>
>>25709833
this thread has been going on /r9k/ longer than you have obviously or you'd understand what it was all about
>>
>>25709875
the shit people do to each other for sex is fucking pathetic
fuck sex
>>
>>25709898
>daily depression journal
>today i fucked chad and got a bunch of free gifts from my "friends"
>nobody understands meeee
>>
>>25709773
Not sure whatcha mean, did something go wrong or?

>>25709840
Would you elaborate for me? I'd give the best advice i can

>>25709920
>tfw no qt chad bf
>>
I have crippling social anxiety. I only went on 4 dates this week and drank at my friends house without saying that much. do you guys think i should post more instagram photos?
>>
>>25709920
Fuck off man this is one of the last places you can actually say what you want on this board. Stuff has gone to shit thanks to people like you that have a hive mind mentality of everything has to be chill or not to "edgy" grow up mate or leave the thread.
>>
>got a speeding ticket and a possession charge in november I haven't even replied to yet, about 900 bucks in fines
>been paying back my student loan for a year now because I haven't been to classes and I'm missing the points i need to be eligible for loans
>been working and living at home the last half year, but only managed to get a job for about 2 months out of 6
>just moved out again to start at a different uni, but didn't know one of the classes required you to apply 2 months ago, so i don't have any classes untill the 27th, but no one's gonna hire me for two weeks of work
>Up all night every day, wasting my time on the computer, can't get up untill 4 pm
>need about 400 for the rent
>150 bucks in my account

Do I sell my ass for cash?
>>
the depression doesn't cripple me to be honest. it's the anxiety and the social inability that makes me feel like nothing good could ever happen.
>>
>>25709984
It's not a contest

we understand despair because at some point, right now or in the recent or distant past, all of us here have experienced numb and raw crippling depression

we're here for the robots that need support

say whatever we want and have someone that relates talk to you about it

don't be a roody poo
>>
>>25710370
Holy shit, thats pretty terrible. Do you have any family that would be willing to loan you a thousand or so?

>>25710431
I know that feel. What do you have anxiety about?

>>25710494
Its literally someone trying to get a rise, ignore them
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My bipolar is getting so bad that I am going to pay out of pocket to see a psychiatrist and get a change of meds.

Fuck Seroquel. Too much and i'm a zombie half of the next day, too little and I can't sleep and I toss and turn.

What I really want is a nice mood stabilizer and some benzos I can take when I get anxious. Any advice on asking for them without sounding like a drug seeker?
>>
>>25710626
don't do that to yourself man, that's a ticket for a train to rehab

seroquel is pretty intense, they use it for schizo too.
>>
I used to have it a tad worse but it mostly went away. The suicidal thoughts are coming back and I'm becoming more cold and asocial. I got in an car accident earlier today (swerved off the road because of other car (yeah that was dumb) and hid a stake and a branch) which took off a chunk of the right number and the right headlight is missing. I'm completely broke now and work a minimum wage job.

Going to ask my oneitis if she wants to hang out on Friday. She'll probably say no, but it will help get my mind off things.
>>
>>25710626
Wish I could give you some advice but I don't have any personal experience with BD. Good luck anon

>>25710752
Did anything lead to this downwards sloping of emotions? Or did it just come out of the blue
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>>25710715
I appreciate the concern, anon. I seriously doubt the doctor will prescribe any benzos on the first visit anyway.

I just want something to make me not feel like me.
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>>25710626
Hey, I use to take 400mg of Seroquel a day and like 7 other scripts. Benzos gave me seizures and other drugs fucked up my moods even more because they made me a zombie.
What does work as a mood stabilizer is Adderall. It sounds odd, but when you're on it, you're so focused on what you're physically doing than your feelings.
Tell the doctor some ADD symptoms and pretend you don't know what ADD/Adderall is, and they'll most likely give it a shot.
I only take Adderall and over-the-counter sleep meds now, and I feel pretty good, hardly any suicidal thoughts and my depression is as low as ever.
What state are you in, if you don't mind? It might just be better to buy it off someone, to see if it works for you too, since if you don't have insurance, they'll cost a lot
>>
>>25710814
>I just want something to make me not feel like me.

definitely don't say that to the doctor because that's what an addict says
>>
>>25710547
My mom was helping me out when I was at the other uni, worked my entire summer vacation to get cash too, but I was still living off of onions, herring and scraps from my flatmate's trash, and she's said she can't help me that much this time around. I'm sure she'll help me with my first rent, and my dad might help me with the others, but i'm afraid she might get my court summons in the mail.

I can't really tell them about the possessions thing, and I'm really tired of lying to them all the time. She knows about the speeding ticket though, cause my grandma got the ticket in the mail, but i told her i already paid the fine.
>>
>>25710809
I don't really know. I've been a bit busier with work and school and don't really have a lot of free time anymore. I was going to request for less hours of work, but I'm broke now because of car accident and my car insurance is due next month.

I don't really have a lot of time to be sad, which has caused me to be much more apathetic towards things. I've been struggling caring about anything anymore.
>>
>>25710943
If you're tired of lying, maybe just tell them what happened? It will suck but they'll probably understand
but idk i don't tell my family anything anymore
>>
>>25705932

I'm getting my finals results in 19 hours. I had really good grades all the semester but I'm feeling like I'm litterally dying. If it's no good I'm basically fuck and should kill myself
>>
>>25710939
yeah, I know. that's poorly worded.
>>
>>25710986
How much longer will you be this busy with things?

>>25711031
Good luck man I know how awful grades can make people feel, and I've pretty much thought those exact same things before too.
Something snapped in me when I got a C on my giant ass paper, and I could barely do homework for the entire rest of the semester
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I've been cucked yet again by the person I've been dating for the past year and a half and I found out today. We were going to get married. My dad found me curled up in the bathroom sobbing. I don't even know what to do.
>>
>>25710931
I've actually been considering adderall for a while now since of all the weight i've gained from lithium and seroquel.

I'm currently in NorCal, and I do have insurance, but there is a serious lack of psych doctors in the area for some reason. wait times can be months and I've been feeling like shit for years. enough is enough.

I think i do have ADD though, i can barely make it through a 5 minute youtube video without pausing it and going back to 4chan. I haven't read a book in years.When I was reading for school, i re-read the same paragraph 10 times because my mind wandered so much I absorbed none of the information. Nothing holds my attention for very long any more. it fucking sucks.

I really envy normies. They just feel fine all the fucking time. it's not fair ;__;
>>
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why the fuck am I always sleepy enough to pass out at any given moment
I just want to stay up and do things but my body rejects the very idea
I fell asleep reading a book at 2 yesterday. I wake up at noon usually and fall asleep around midnight
And yet I don't want to go out to fix it, I don't want to go out at all, even if I really want something outside
What the fuck is wrong with me?
>>
>>25711086
>Something snapped in me when I got a C on my giant ass paper

Fuck, this is the worst thing ever. When I failed my class last year and saw the results I legit thought my life was over. Thank God I had the 1 in a million chance to retake it
>>
>>25711086
My mom just told she would help with stuff. I'm just going to ask for less hours cause maybe then I'll at least be kinda happy again.
>>
>>25711210
:( Thats horrible to hear anon, I'm so sorry. Really the only thing to do is to move on but thats hard when you've dedicated 1.5 years of your life to someone

>>25711248
>i'm so fucked up
But really, depression can make people sleepy, also unmovtivated. SO probably depression

>>25711297
Thats good to hear. I just kind of gave up after that, I really fucked it up

>>25711297
Thats good, I hope things get better for you
>>
>>25711248
You could be getting shit sleep because you have sleep apnea.
Feeling tired around 2 is pretty normal, but if you're constantly napping throughout the day, it sounds like you're not getting enough REM sleep.

Try taking benadryl before bed. it might help.
>>
>>25706536
I am. I beat my head or strategically cut where it can't be seen.
>>
>>25710991
Thanks for listening, man, really appreciate it.

I think I'm in too deep to make confessions about that kind of stuff. It's kinda the only thing I haven't failed at yet, as far as they know. Haven't told my dad I've moved out yet, so I'm hoping he'll give me enough for the rent to pay off the fines. I'll figure out another way to deal with the rent. That depends on the cops being willing to even accept the payment, though. This all happened in like september, they took so long to send me the letters that I was hoping they just forgot about it, and I've just been ignoring the problem since I got them.

>>25711031
Son, if you've been putting in an effort and got good grades, you'll be fine. Can't you just retake the exams if they're no good? Or are you in it as deep as I am?
>>
>>25711216
Are you on Medi-cal? I'm in SoCal, and I just found a random psych doc that'll take Medi-cal, preferably one that doesn't know history, and tell him I have troubles concentrating and it's a burden in life/school/work.
Once he's like "yeah, sure, fuck it, whatever" you can get your script paid by the state.
I suggest trying to buy it off the streets, first though, to see if it makes you more anxious and what-not.
Try to find a specialist and get on it, once you know how it makes you feel, it's a life changer.
If you don't have Medi-cal or whatever, the script can be up to $180 for a month's worth, and that's bs, stick to a dealer.
I've been hospitalized twice due to suicides, and up to 2 months total in psych wards, all the lithium and seroquel they gave me was worthless.
Adderall makes you confident af, skinny and less anxious
>>
>>25711373
>You could be getting shit sleep because you have sleep apnea.
could honestly be that, my dad had it, not sure how to check though
and no, I don't nap at all, that's why that was so strange. That's the first "nap" I've had in months.
>>
>>25711417
Well good luck anon and I hope whatever you do goes well.
>>
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>>25709013
Fuck you, if you're not going to contribute then get out.
>>
>>25711417
>Can't you just retake the exams if they're no good?

In my country you can exams for medical schools only twice, after that it's over. Since some shit happened to me they let me take it a third time. If I fail it is over for well. I have nothing else in my life, without an objective like this I don't I could have make it until now
>>
Every day, I want to kill myself. I almost hanged myself with a pair of jeans around 3 weeks ago. I'm wearing them right now. I untied them because they were my last pair that was relatively clean.
>>
>>25711435
Yeah, I'm on medi-cal. funny thing is, I was actually prescribed adderall by a psych Dr when I was under my parents insurance.
I was on it for a couple of months. it kicked ass. i never even thought of snorting it or anything, so I doubt abuse will be an issue for me.
I'm starting to doubt whether or not i'm even bipolar at this point. I've only been manic once in my life, and that was after months of taking an SSRI.
I wish drugs weren't so fucking regulated in this country. it's getting ridiculous
>>
>"crippling depression" thread
>people with friends and bfs/gfs blabbering

Change this to the "normalfag pretend depression" general. This shit is almost as bad as the 'shut in' /adv/ irc channel.
>>
>>25711446
you can record yourself sleeping. Or you can participate in a sleep study where they hook a bunch of shit up to you and expect you to sleep normally.
>>
>>25711593

Being in couple and being depressed are not mutually exclusive. Get over it.
>>
>>25705932
As a person with depression diagnosed by a therapist, nothing pisses me off more than emos
>>
>>25705932
Been on /r9k/ listening to Forever Young on repeat for the last like 4 hours. Gonna be light out soon. Feels sad man.
>>
>>25711686
Are they still a thing? Like I thought that was dead desu

>>25711537
Why do you want to die anon?

>>25711718
Lights out for tonight or lights out forever?
>>
>>25705932
> implying depression is a real condition.
>>
>>25711718
Okay here's what you do to kys:
>small gas stove in small room
>tape up that fucking door crack you pussy
>take 2 ambien
>drift off into sleep
>succumb to the CO2
>forever young
>>
>>25711469
Thanks, skelly, I hope things will get better for you too. What are you playing btw? I still have my old gamecube, just wish I didn't lose my smash bros
>>
>>25711641
Bullshit
If you have the motivation and ability to enter and maintain a relationship you are NOT depressed. You are an attention whoring normalfag.
>>
>>25711829
Paper Mario Thousand Year Door. One of my favorite RPGs
>>
>>25711835
>If you have the motivation and ability to enter and maintain a relationship you are NOT depressed

[citation needed]
>>
>>25711562
Depressive Disorder/Bipolar, same shit, just a manic phase.
I suggest trying to get the hook up again, see what it does for you.
Hope you get a resolution, man, I just came to the thread to give you a little hope. Just remember shit can get better, trial and error is just steps to success.
>>
>>25711887
Hey thanks man. This is literally the only positive thought i've had all day. I appreciate the well wishes. I'm glad that you're doing a lot better yourself. 400mg of seroquel is no joke, jesus fuck
>>
>>25711807
Thanks that sounds like a good death
>>
just coming out of a three day long suicide thought, about to fail my second final this semester.
life is good
>>
>>25711748
I want to die because I feel like a mistake. I make the people I love worry or hurt. I mess up and I always say the wrong thing. I have no friends in real life.

I'm in my last stretch of high school. I'm failing most of my classes because I'm too afraid to go, or because I go home and have no energy for everything. I don't even visit 4chan very often anymore. The only person I really talk to is one of my teachers, and I won't even have him to confide in after I graduate. IF I graduate. He's the only person I trust.

Then what? I'll just be alone for the rest of my life? I drive everyone away. I just want to love and to be loved. It feels like there is no hope.

I want to go to a university and major in computer science, but as of right now, I'm too terrified to attend class.
>>
I am envious of people who have passions, people who can do a the will to peruse something they enjoy and make a life out of it. Even if these people don't enjoy what they're doing but they care about someone else enough to do it anyway, like working 80 hours a week for a family, or devoting countless hours to some kind of art. They watch it grow and nurture it into something they can be proud about, something that brings other people joy.

At best, I get obsessions like twisted reflections of passion. Like a vine, I strangle whatever joy I can from it until all that remains is a bitter husk that brings only frustration.
>>
>>25712212
another anon here, im in your exact position, but in university, i have no one in my life, every day is spend infront of my computer just wasting time, not even playing games anymore. no one to talk to, no one to do things with, driving everyone away. suicide has been with me since childhood but everyday its getting worse and worse. i hope you wont end up like me, this is not living at all.
>>
>>25712339
I feel so empty. I walk around the halls seeing everyone, yet feeling lonely. My school has over 2,000 people and I can't find friends. There's something wrong with me.

I've been having suicidal thoughts since I was 11 or 12.
>>
>>25712068
It happens anon, dont let it get you too down

>>25712212
Have you ever talked to your parents about how you feel?

>>25712327
>I am envious of people who have passions, people who can do a the will to peruse something they enjoy and make a life out of it.
Me too desu, still trying to find something I can do without getting bored
>>
>>25712686
i know excatly what you are feeling, even something as simple as standing in line to get food will make me realize how alone i am compared to everyone else, its always been like that. i feel there may be something wrong with me, or that its too late to help me.
for me it started when i was 7. ill never forget that horrible feeling...

>>25712719
i try, having given up all hope of a having a remotely decent life helps a bit
>>
>>25712719
Yes. My parents threaten and make fun of me. I don't tell them much anymore.

They're wealthy and well known in my area. Local politics and magazines. Even some teachers at my school talk about how my mom is so awesome. They don't know about the time she almost killed me, or the times she's threatened to stab me.
>>
>>25712798
Today I didn't eat lunch because I couldn't stand in line for more than a few seconds.
>>
>>25712833
Well thats awful. Things could get better when you get away from them if you go off to college, it sounds like they've kind of fucked you up
>>
>>25712833
have you talked to anyone about it? like a therapist or something? i know what having parents like that are, i talked to the school psychologist and eventually got multiple restraining orders on my mom. perhaps you should try something like that?

yea i try and only go when no one else is, same goes for everything i do, shopping at 10pm at the self checkouts to try and avoid getting constantly reminded of where i am in life
>>
>>25712719

I know I won't find anything, but good luck to you.
>>
>>25712963
I need to graduate first. I really want to go to UT Austin. My grades are really bad, but I do well on the SAT and ACT and I'll have a quality letter of recommendation. Maybe it will work. If not, I'll probably apply to a bunch of other places and pick the one that accepts me.

>>25712971
There is someone good in my life. I have a teacher who is amazing. He talks to me and helps me out. He even has Asperger's. I met him at the best time I could have.
>>
>>25713345
if you feel you can trust him, id ask him for help, the sooner the better imo. some teachers can really make a huge impact on your life
>>
>>25713417
I talk to him about what's going on and he's actually stopped me from attempting suicide. He has made a huge impact on my life.
>>
>>25713620
thats good to hear, perhaps you could ask him for advice on what to do or who to see?
>>
>So fucking tired every day no matter how much I sleep

help
>>
>>25713880
staying in bed is the best place to be imo, the less im awake the less it hurts
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>>25713661
I do. I don't think he knows what to do. The last professional I saw couldn't help much at all. This is the kind of thing I'll need to physically escape from.

I feel weird. I'm legally an adult, but I'm emotionally messed up. It feels like I didn't grow up with my body.
>>
>>25714145
i can sorta relate to that, theres so many things i have no idea about, mostly anything that has to do with interacting with the world.

perhaps you can see some sorta CPS or something? idk how to go about it unfortunally
>>
>>25710547
I have anxiety about everything. there is nothing of remote substance that doesn't give me anxiety.

Not a very informing response, sorry. Just feel frustrated that most of life seems like something I can't do or could never enjoy doing.
>>
>>25714225
I don't either. I feel so lost. I just need to finish high school, then I can get out. My schedule was just changed, I'm recovering some of the credit I lost. I still might be on track to graduate on time. I just need to find a way to not be too terrified to go to class, or too dead to do anything other than stare at a wall.
>>
>>25713937
Fuck you guys, this is the last thing I need to hear
>>
>>25714457
i cross my fingers for you anon, i know your situation too well, i havent been to any lectures since mid september and gonna have to retake most of the courses, all because of the fear and lack of motivation to do anything, if you can find the motivation to go to classes, just focus on that and get the hell out of your home and prefereably see some therapist before its too late to relearn the things youve missed out on

>>25714461
im sorry anon, lets try again? go take a cold shower and go for a jog
>>
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> new semester
> new year
> new me
> going to do my best in classes for the first time
> going to get a job to get my own money so parents can't hold it over my head that they pay for everything
> going to keep going to the gym every day and get swole so I will never be looked at as 'weak' again
> going to volunteer and apply for internships
> going to join more clubs
> going to try to find friends

that's a lot of "going to" but this is the first week of the semester. I feel like i can do it. I think i can fix my life. Maybe I can have a conversation with my oneitis. Only time will tell.
>>
>>25714668
i wish you the best of luck anon
>>
How do you motivate yourself, I have exams in a month and I haven't done anything at all?
>Is there still enough time
>>
>>25714668
Goodluck
>You can make it
>>
>>25714707
theres enough time, i did a whole course in 3 days and aced it, the question is rather about the motivation, thats the hard part
>>
>>25714570
I'm sitting here and feeling the anxiety slowly build. I have school in 8 hours. I have to walk into the new classes and get stared at. I have to endure the teasing and loneliness. At least I have my favorite subject tomorrow, but it's over so quickly.
>>
>>25714750
Any tips then?
>>
>>25714777
the only thing to do is really to suck it up and think of why you are there, thats at least how i passed high school, cant say it made my mental health better, but at least it gave me a minimum of education, and i guess in your case a way out

>>25714786
unfortunally not, that was 2 years ago when i still had a fraction of spirit left in me, now im gonna fail a final ive got this friday...
>>
>>25705932
I really needed this thread Skelly. Thank you. I have no hope for the future anymore. Its so bland. Once (if) i finish high school, my grades are too shit to go to a good college. Even if I got in id fail cuz i have 0 motivation. I just want to kill myself but my parents would be devistated. Fuck.
>>
>>25714668
>register for classes after being suspended last semester
>first day of classes for me
>I'm actually talking and replying to people, nervousness is barely noticeable
I think its happening anon, I think we're gonna do it.
>>
>>25714668
>>25714876
Good luck anons. I truly want you guys to make it.
>>
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>tfw had amazing gf but didn't realize it
>tfw young and didn't know if i wanted to be with only a single woman before i got married
>tfw loved gf and didn't want to lose her
>tfw would sext girls and feel geniunely horrible about it afterwards
>promise gf every time i'll stop
>continues for two years
>she finally leaves me
>crushes me into a billion pieces
>explain all this to therapist today one and a half years later
>she says it sounds like i'm following the same patterns as an alcoholic who promises not to drink anymore then does it, feels guilty, and repeats
>she says it sounds like sex addiction
>tfw spend every day missing her
>tfw literally incapable of forgiving myself for what i've done to her
>tfw could have made her happy if i wasn't such a fucking faggot
>tfw also diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder because considering suicide to escape the living hell i've created
>tfw also obsessive compulsive disorder
>tfw also generalized anxiety
>tfw she tells me how smart i am after explaining the amount of reading i've done on how to sucessfully kill myself without ending up a vegetable or a failure at even suicide
>tfw she tells me i should be in school making use of my brain for something positive
>tfw don't feel like i deserve it
>tfw i deserve to suffer and be miserable for what i've done
>tfw i would literally sell my soul to do it all over

You know that part of your brain where songs get stuck and it seems like that's all it exists for? I have that. But I have another one dedicated to how much I miss her and how much I hate myself for losing her.
>>
>>25714850
A way out. I feel so trapped. I'll get this way out. Tomorrow, I'll be starting my credit recovery. I hope this works.

I just want out. I can't take an extra year of this, or I will end up killing myself.
>>
>>25714957
You deserve to go to school and become something. People can change. You're worth it.
>>
>>25705932
I'm having the shittiest night,
I'm fucking shaking and anxious.
Does anybody have any skype group calls going on or something/anything at all?
Is there anybody who would be interested in one if I made one?
>>
>>25714857
Go to a community college instead, if you're anything like us, you're some kind of social recluse so the 'college experience' means absolute fuck all and its honestly pretty boring. There are plenty of counselors and advisors that will legitimately try to help you get on track. Take advantage of it, they have study centers and tutors where you can just show up and they help you, its amazing. Also get a part time job, something thats 20 hours a week that preferably pays more than minimum wage.
These things provide several benefits. Getting an associates pretty much nullifies your bad HS grades since you have an actual degree to go on. You save an absolute fuck ton of money, its amazing how much that bullshit costs. Its nowhere near as stress inducing as a big college campus and instead of being 1 student out of 20 thousand, youre now 1 in 3000, its a lot easier for you to approach professors or advisors and they actually have time for you. You have money and work experience.
You can do it.
>>
>>25715028
I'd be interested in talking.
>>
>>25714968
dont give up anon, i believe in you and will be cheering you on!

>>25715028
im curious about skype, never been in a group with robots before
>>
>>25715118
Thank you. I'll remember that.
>>
>>25715043
Thanks anon. Yea im extremely reclusive. Leaving the house is a struggle for me. I dont even like leaving my room. I was told high school would be the best years of my life but thats just a normie meme.
>>
>>25714995
Thanks, anon. I'm afraid to go back to school though. I don't feel stable enough and I'm afraid I'll drop out again. She texted me in early December and in that instant her name flashed across my phone I fell apart all over again. We made small talk and she made me laugh. Only two breaths in it all hit me at once, before I'd even stopped laughing tears were falling down my face and I'd began sobbing. It felt so familair and nostalgic, I missed her sense of humor and how we interacted so much. I was content with the small talk, even though it meant nothing to her it filled a hole in me that'd been empty since she left. Two days later the small talk ended and she told me she has roomates in some apartment now. She even mentioned being in a relationship with someone else. How could I have faith in my ability to stay dedicated to school when the vaguely human shape I'd arranged my pieces into could be shattered all over again so easily? It was like I'd never even left that first day she did.

>tfw had several girls mention wanting to be my gf
>tfw find reasons to turn them down because i'm scared i'll leave them or hurt them
I don't want to be the cause for anyone to feel the way I feel.
>>
>>25715212
HS is absolute bullshit, its mostly terrible with some bright spots occasionally sprinkled in if youre lucky. The only people who say that are high schoolers or people that tied up their entire lives into it and didn't plan for anything beyond it.
>>
>>25715233
Say yes next time. A date isn't a binding contract, see where it goes. I know that it will be hard, but I bet you have the strength.
>>
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>laying in bed depressed just wishing I could just skip to next day
>text from girl I like
>start texting and she's wanting to know what's wrong
>really don't want to talk about it but she's adamant about listening
>decide fuck it I haven't talked to anybody in years about my issues maybe she can help
>she responds "sorry, don't think about it anon"
I think this advice managed to be so shitty and because the thought put it into it was next to none, I feel even worse.
>>
>>25715301
High school caters to extroverts and college even more so
>>
>>25715306
I wish I had to a couple of them. But they found other guys now, I'm sure they're happier this way.

>tfw going to go out on Valentine's Day to the same place we had our first date, alone
>tfw going to order food i probably won't eat and just sit there reminiscing
>>
>>25715332
What did you tell her before?
>>
>>25715373
Do you think another will come along?
>>
>>25715434
I was talking about how I wish my family life was better especially with my mom. I talk to my mom once a month and that's just to pay the bills. Then threw in how it's getting old that the people I room with have someone who wants them and everyone I encounter in public while it's just me alone. I'd just like to know what it's like to not go to bed and wake up alone.
>>
>>25715482
Is there a way to talk to your mom more often if you want to?

I'm so sorry that you're lonely. I know how it feels. I can't offer you much advice. I have my fingers crossed for you, though. How approachable do you think you are?
>>
I posted on one of these threads a couple of days ago about applying for a job and going through two rounds of interviews and not getting the job. They called me back today and said they had a position open up and offered me the job. Sometimes it gets a little better.
>>
>actually diagnosed with clinical depression
>tell family/close friends about it
>"oh yea I used to be depressed too when my dog died"
>"you can get over it"
>"just find something that makes you happy"
>depression is just a meme now
>>
my life is a boring void of nothingness. i fucking hate my life. why can't my life have adventure or be exciting. I am never going to be happy and i just gave up on trying to be
>>
>>25716204
people have no fucking idea senpai
>>
>>25716204
That feel is way to close to home
>literally
>>
>>25709311
Have you had a history of athsma attacks?
>>
What do you do, when you completely change your life into a successful one in almost every aspect, but you still wake up wishing you hadn't?

I ran out of things wrong in my life to complain about, the only thing wrong at this point is me
>>
>>25716952
>>25716952
I could really use a reply.... even if it isn't helpful
even a shit post would be a blessing
>>
>>25717562
i dont understand, you wish you had a shittier life?
>>
>>25717582
no, I was extremely depressed for years, wouldn't even leave me room,
I made change, got a job, worked out, heaps of pussy, bought a motorcycle etc etc, things people considering successful.
I still feel just as bad,
When society provides you with a cure, and that is the same cure your therapist's provide you, where do you turn when it doesn't help?
>>
>>25716952
>>25717562
Maybe it's time to put your eyes on 19/20th century philosophy, so that you can realize that society is in general fucked and that no fulfilled existance can be lived in a wrong world. There is only thing which trascends the reality principle: Love
>>
My 25th birthday came and went and I didn't end up killing myself.
>>
>>25717622
way past love. Maybe when I meet 'the right person' but that feels like a meme at this point
I can go to a bar and end up buying some hot bitch breakfast, but I feel so distanced to people.
It's like screaming on the inside every time I try to feel anything but sadness.
I think I will just go for a night walk, no buses at this time to tempt me

I sound like a massive faggot, but I just don't care
>>
>>25717661
congrats man, mines in a year, trying to put a positive spin on it
>how
>>
>>25706052
Happy early birthday anon. This next drink will be to you.
>>
What the fuck are we supposed to do with our lives? Just keep busy until we die?
>>
>>25718317
Pretty much. Humans, at our core, are social animals. When we fail at that though, we arent much.
>>
>>25718365
I think what hurts the most is seeing the people around you really enjoying things that you know you should enjoy, but can't. So even if I can be social, shit like that just kills me. I feel like I've forgotten how to enjoy things. I bought Battlefield 4 just to have something to do, but I know if I play it I'll just be disappointed, so I'm watching loads of let's plays instead.
>>
>>25716952
I kind of know what you mean, I have a lot of stuff sorted out in my head but can't even imagine what it must be like to sit down and just be satisfied with life. I don't know what to say to you.
>>
Anyone put themselves in danger often? I wonder what dying is like and wonder what comes after if anything. Never considered suicide. Cut the side of my wrist once as to avoid bleeding but experience pain.
>>
>>25715118
I'd try a chat for robots but I don't know about other people ruining the chat.
>>
>>25718527
idk, id be down for trying it at least once and see how it goes, the worst that can pretty much happen is its shit and you just leave
>>
Don't find enjoyment in anything anymore

Just hop from game to game rapidly trying to entertain myself all day. I have no attention span / can't be bothered to put effort into anything and can only do one thing for 30 mins before I have to switch

All day just spent NEETing it up trying to find fun, and then its time to go to bed and I realize I spent all day trying to find something fun and never actually had fun once

Jumping from show to game to book to whatever all day trying to enjoy something but end up enjoying nothing, it's been like this forever
>>
>>25718422
I feel ya. These threads are my only respite.
>>
>>25718885
Have you tried casual games? They don't require much attention. Plus they can be fun. I really dont know any but steam has a catagory called casual
>>
>>25715457
I really hope so. Realistically there are so many people in the world there should be plenty of girls compatible with me, it's just hard to find them. Then you have to hope they don't have some horrible character or personality flaw. And that they're attractive, even if not a perfect, beautiful girl.
>>
Being a kv is destroying my mind
Literally everyone makes fun of me for it
Even my fucking family
I shouldn't have told anyone
JUST
>>
>>25705932
Anyone else who /believes that they've died in their sleep and woken up in a personal hell/ ?

I just can't get anything to go right. I keep fucking up, without really knowing how I do it.

I don't even know how doing something right feels like anymore

send help please
>>
>>25720137
>I shouldn't have told anyone
Thats your problems senpai
Always deny
Even when they don't believe you keep denying the fuck out of it
Just keep making up shit and digging yourself deeper if need be

Never admit it to anyone
>>
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Guys I'm pretty sure I just figured out the root cause of my depression. I grew up "poor" with an older brother and a sister. I didn't have any friends in that neighborhood, and they did. They were really my only sense on intimate human contact when I was young. I made a couple friends in school, and they would always hang out together at their houses. I was never allowed to have people over because the house was constantly a mess because of my parents and my mom didn't want the kids at the private school they put me in (not a snooty one at all, just a small catholic school in a low income neighborhood) to see what our living situation was (due to lack of furniture, mess, all "poor" people type things). Also, you'll notice that I'm saying "poor" and not poor, we weren't actually poor, but my dad was extremely cheap and my parents pretty much hated each other too much be productive with each other. But, anyway, the kids would still invite me over to their houses and their parents were always so nice to me, and I started to feel really inferior about not being able to do for them what they do for me no matter how much I want to. Add that to the fact that my dad took a lot of time to do get my brother into sports but never did that with me so I couldn't relate to kids there, and that was encouraged to develop her artistic side but not me, and I feel horribly inferior to everyone I'm exposed to from kindergarten to eighth grade. Oh, and my brother and sister were both known as being really smart and getting the best grades in their classes and I'm trudging along doing mediocre because I can't find a reason to give a rat's ass since it won't make my parents take some interest in me because the siblings already did it. They both got into a really good actually snooty private high school on scholarship, and that same school only took me because I was related to them.That led to a whole mess of other problems but this post is getting too long anyway.
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