I'm just going to post this, full of self pity and pointless rhetoric. Not really looking for replies, at least I don't expect any. Just doing it because I can.
I kind of like falling back into depression. It feels like my "natural state". I'm used to it. I can cope with it well. Even at times where I'm not particularly depressed I can still feel it in me. It's always there.
The kind of dark place, just slightly warm, just warm enough to make you complacent. Just a kind of placid veil. It just envelops you.
Then nothing matters, nothing motivates, nothing excites, nothing saddens, nothing hurts.
I can feel it coming over me now.
It's going to be a fun year.
y'know, this is pretty true. I feel like after being depressed and sad for so long I've found some sort of comfort in it. I feel unnatural and weird when I'm happy, but depression is like an old friend who I've shared most of my life with, I'm not sure how I'd cope without it sometimes.
>I feel unnatural and weird when I'm happy
I know exactly what you mean and since it feels so new and weird my pessimistic nature immediately assumes that something bad is going to happen so to retain at least some form of control of my life I just self-sabotage until I get back to the ol' trusty depression.
No no no no no! fuck me...
I've spent all day feeling the icy steel of suicidal self-hatred work its wires back around my heart. Oh, its a different breed now for sure. Aye, I already have the sense this will be a wily hybrid variation, with new tricks and new tells. It shall take me quite some time to find the Achilles of the thoughts leading to this pervasive sadness, and in the meantime, I feel like a live wire, fritzing out of control in the street, flipping vans
> Achilles of the thoughts leading to this pervasive sadness
I like doing that as well.
I've already traced most of my character traits and phobias back to early childhood moments.
It did not lead me to blaming anyone. It just sort nice to know where it all came from and just realizing that there's nothing you can do about it now.
You get the cards you get. Just play your hand as best as you can.
>tfw I spent all day playing never winter online doing my dailys, even after I claimed all the rewards and doing them was pointless except for maybe one sellable drop every 3 hours
Just because I was too sad go do anything else
You guys should try it
Yeah, It's pretty good.
I just spent better part of last month playing path of exile all day instead of revising for none of my modules that I did not attend more than 2 lectures and the exams of which I am barely scraping by now.
>exam on the day after tomorrow and one more on Friday
>skimmed through the lecture notes for the one on Thursday for the first time couple hours ago
>have literally never touched notes for the one on Friday
every single year.
> unless you are dirt poor
Working part time as a dishwasher to be able to pay for rent and food.
I'm in this mostly because I don't want to hurt my mom or my sister by disappointing them.
I honestly don't care about anyone else, myself included. I just don't want my existence to bring them more pain.
Although I don't know for how long can I keep this up.
Used to love be depressed when I was a kid. Now I just suppress sadness manually. Well, more like automatically. Now I can only feel glimpses of the fight of my sadness trying to survive the choking blackness inside me.
Hmm. Maybe it's not that I'm suppressing my sadness, maybe it's that I've been sad so long that it doesn't mean anything anymore. I think I do suppress it, but only because I can have deep thoughts without the depression to force me.
It's as if the point of depression is to get you to think--an evolutionary product. Complex emotions do seem unlikely to be born of genetic evolution, but I always underestimate the kinds of things evolution has produced.
Sorry I can't understand that. I always look up for number one and that's me. That's not to say I do nothing all day but I'm not going to live my life for other people no matter how well or bad they treat me.
I remember when. My dad screamed at me I had to find a way to be outside of the house for 4 hours a day even tho he couldn't think of anything and that he had to scream at me and treat me like shit or else I wouldn't change. Maybe I'm unhappy because the mountain of shit I repress
> I'm unhappy because the mountain of shit I repress
I unravelled most of my repressed memories. Through meditation and psychedelics.
I don't know if it helped. It did change the way I look at things, it was a relief in a way, but in the end the numbness was still there.
It's like being a marionette and finally being able to see the strings that control you. At that point you can at least be at peace with the strings that move you, but you can't really do much about it.
It did lift a lot of resentment I had for my parents.