I'm an armchair psychoanalytical therapist
>and I'll tell you what I think
I feel like I'm not going good enough in live despite doing better now than most of my family.
I've been told multiple times that I'm "ahead of the curve" when it comes to my age group, but I feel like I'm just barely doing better than treading on water.
Despite people saying that I should be easy on myself, I feel the urge to still light a hotter and hotter fire under my ass, purely because I don't want to get complacent and mess up again.
I can't remember the last time I was happy or satisfied
Inside me there is a black hole that is slowly eating away at my humanity and I'm trying to fill it with no result
I always feel on edge or stressed
When people actually treat me good in public I lock up and get defensive, I don't even feel comfortable with my family
I just want to be a recluse.
I would be happy if I didn't see another human being for the rest of my life
I don't belong in this world or time
I walk through this life alone. I am capable of developing friendships, but they are all superficial and can be dropped in a second without any regrets. I am a pathological liar who has no sense of loyalty, shame or honour. My personality changed drastically depending on who's around and this leads to massive social anxiety trying to maintain a persona and keep track of what lies I've told to who. All I want is to know what it feels like to love and be loved.
Would you say anon, that the only reason you haven't snapped, is because. Your self hatred is greater than the loathing you feel for those around you
And that your emotions are like a separate pinpoint so to speak on a map. Far away from the pin point that is your consciousness?
Does it ever feel like there is no "real" you? Like you create a different version of yourself for every situation, that bests helps you manipulate those current people? That instead of having a more set personality that stays roughly in the same spot. Instead you're more like a vessel to be filled by each one of your "masks". Each one equally you, but not really you at all.
>Does it ever feel like there is no "real" you?
I'm only myself when I am alone. But yes I create different versions of myself depending on the situation and people I have to fit in with
Did you have one parent that was emotionally abusive. And your other parent never did anything to stop it for fear of upsetting the other one?
when you were younger did you ever have a very intense desire for someone that you mistook for love?
I was brought up in a very happy middle class family of two other children and loving parents. There might have been a bit of intellectual neglect as I remember being very bored for a lot of my childhood but nothing I could call abusive by a long shot.
I have suffered from intense desires to 'own' certain people for as long as I can remember. Like extreme jealous when they don't pay me enough attention, etc.