I'm crazy terrified of drowning. I used to fantasize about jumping off the Washington Avenue Bridge like John Berryman but when I actually went to go try I couldn't do it because I didn't want to drown.
I get bad vertigo. It played into the bridge jump a bit but a few months later I planned to jump off a building. I was sitting on the window ledge and got crazy dizzy, it gave me just enough time to change my mind.
I like to see shit. Since then I've gotten on some better drugs and had some counseling and started to remember how much wonder and beauty I used to find in the little things. The little ridges on fly legs and the way that walking on frozen snow in a meadow at night feels like being on the moon and the hollow spot in my floor that makes a satisfying percussive sound whenever I step on it and even just feeling of waking up in the morning, rolling over, and falling asleep again. I'm depressed and I'm bored and I often drink too much but there is so much to see and I want to be around to look at it.
Physics when you boil it down. A system wants to retain the state it is in. For you to kill yourself (the system) would mean changing the state of the sytem to a nullified position. Not only does that require a lot of energy but it is also hard-wired into living sytems not to self-terminate. So a better question is to ask, why should you self-terminate? What advantage does it bring to you considering the effort invovled?
I've given up in the sense that I know everything i'll ever do never really means anything. So, if ever I find myself in a tight spot, I know I can always GTFO of that predicament because I will never take myself or life seriously anymore and will always move to where life is easier. That way, I can even laugh at the absurdity of my condition and just continue living, always looking for an easier way out in the realm of the living.
>>25562764 I like myself way too much. also I still live in illusion that one day I will have qt gf and everything will be as it should be. but if I was sure that this will never happen I would just go on on rampage. like if I was terminally ill or something I would just go out and stab one faggot that have beaten my friend few years ago. I am from small city not hard to stalk him out. not a single fuck that it would be under surveillance camera or in front of other people. I would just stab him, cut his head off and throw it into trash can.
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