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Lately I've been thinking about stuff...
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You are currently reading a thread in /r9k/ - ROBOT9001

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Lately I've been thinking about stuff I've read, and I've been thinking about suicide, and so that led me to thinking about stuff I've read about suicide. One thing I always hear is that when a suicidal person starts becoming happier is when you should worry, I don't know what that means for me because my mood can range from pissed off to slightly less pissed off to barely pissed off I can't really tell because it always anyway just leads back to the point of no return. I think I am just always depressed and it's not like I don't think I "deserve" happiness it's that I feel like I want to give up and it's all just a lie and we're all worthless and it's no use trying to do any good anymore. I'm gonna over analyse everything to death and always have anxiety and depression, I'll probably always be as pathetic and lazy as I am now. I've been a NEET for my entire life which shouldn't matter so much at 19 but I feel like such a disgusting pathetic piece of shit. I'm the cause of my own problems, I'm aware of that, I do an excellent job at not spouting random cryptic sad edgy shit and smiling when social cues dictate. It's just something is obviously keeping me a live, a few things, one of them is primal instinct, and I know I am probably just "going through a phase" for the past whatever years, I'm just a cry for help. I even feel pathetic for not going through with it, not being a real suicidal person. I could just kill myself and not be a pussy, but I am. Are any of you people normal or who else is suicidal? And am I just a crazy person?
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damn that's a lot of typos and misspellings but anyway I might just be high but I have been thinking about doing it more and more, I even know of good ways for me to do it but when is the right moment? is it ever? Is it now? What can I do to still be remembered, I do art so I don't want to just ya know...poof. I should do an art thing. maybe. if I weren't so dead inside.
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seriously I'm way more autistic than any of you I reach out and shit and I try to make friends and I never can. Yet you still come and infest the r9k boards, I'm not even usually hitler but you guys are everywhere. This board isn't for normies. I just want advice but my thread will never be seen because you guys care about stupid shit. I'm sorry anyway. I'm not mad at you guys but I fucking wish at least someone did care. I failed you guys.
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Please, am I really that unrelateable that I can't even just get one reply that isn't me? I fucking want just one goddamn bullshit person to shoot the shit with for a bit, can I even have that? before I go.
kill myself ooweeooweeooweeooweeoo don't have a friend in the world ooweeooweeoo boy who cried wolf ooweeooweeoo jk I'm actually depressed haha and so good at making cynical jokes hahah le funny edgy dark
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bump because I wanna talk about suicide
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bump because I don't wanna use my good memes if normies are online anyway, I know you guys steal them and save them so you can pretend you're cool and original. I posted one one time and was like "maybe I shouldn't" but thought "naw, it'll be safe" THEN THE NEXT FUCKING DAY IT WAS ON A THREAD GODDAMNIT
# of posters : 1
Wow ok,
Whats wrong senpai?

now this comment is original and i feel like writing more; hello you suicidal titdick tell us more, what can we do for you? don't kill yourself, life is actually worthless but you know, it is the only thing there is. i feel like not existing sometimes too but ill have an eternity not to exist afterwards, so might as well look for the different thing while you're at it.
what a piece of shit reply i just wrote but hm. want more? any questions?
That's a tl;dr if I ever saw one, but:

>when a suicidal person starts becoming happier is when you should worry

This is when they've made their mind, ruled that others' reactions are not going to stop them -- basically, when they stopped caring and devote themselves fully to the purchasing and preparing the method. It's a mental bridgeburning moment when you take every other setback in stride because your reaction to everything is, 'in a couple of days, it won't matter either way'.
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This is a sand vagina
Do you like it?
Hahahah thanks. I had this guy I was madly in love with for the past 4 years I guess it's been, and we did date but that's the past now, and for the past 2 years I've just been living in a dream and hoping things would work out. They don't and they never do, I was just being led on by my own delusional hope. Anyway I miss him every day but I'm not good enough for him, and I'm stupid because I still care and all that shit, I thought it would get easier but I don't want to fall in love with anyone else ever again, that's kind of comforting to me because he's the only person I want to ever see myself with. Also that's not what's making me suicidal but as of lately I just miss him and want him to reach out to me but I think it's a lost cause, he might even have a new girlfriend. I can even see why he wouldn't like me yet I know I'll hate myself if I know I never told him how I feel. Or does it even matter? Can I just die and leave him hanging because it's not his fault and I don't want him thinking it is? Not that he would but he can think whatever he wants, he's a strong enough person, I'm not. I hope you don't all berate me for being pathetic because I figured that was why I'd post here and not say, reddit.
Damn. I don't know if I'm there yet but I think I would have been an hour ago, I was really high and thinking about certain things like how I'm just a floating head with a body I hate and I just disattach from reality because it's harsh to exist, especially with my brain, I do a lot to keep myself crabby and bitter and depressed. It's a cycle that feeds itself, I get angry at shit and become withdrawn, people treat me like crap and I find shit to hate about them and remember why I ever became withdrawn so I go back to secluding myself to my dungeon. I wanna get a job though, and start making more art, so those are goals I guess, I just think if I went and ended it instead I would be able to not have to worry anymore and shit. If I went and did it right now I could even get sympathy points in the afterlife like "wahhh we should have paid more attention you couldn't tell she was just quiet and kept to herself" but I'll be like "I fucking showed you guys, should have been goddamn nicer to me"
Get back in touch with him.
Probably won't work out, but at least you'll have an answer and closure.

Really depend on how you guys ended the relationship.

It's your life, nobody will help you.
There is no afterlife, people won't think about you the seconds you're dead.

Life is suffering.
I tried but he's already moved on or whatever, that's what he said before, "closure" and I didn't get it and got really scared so I disappeared and fucked off and I guess I was probably just being a pussy. But it's not like I don't know what he meant, I didn't want closure I wanted him to love me and I'm disappointed. If I already know that he's going to turn me down, what's the point? I guess I'm just sitting around deluding myself waiting for him to make the right choice and for it to be me. I can't stop remembering everything and what we used to do and thinking if I did that with any other human it would be cheating and it would take a part out of me because I only want him. I'm just obsessive. Maybe I'm not suicidal, and just crazy. Lol do you think he'd still be into me after all of how crazy I am?
No, it would be a huge turn off.
Unrequited love isn't romantic, its only pain on your side.
What happened between you two that ended the relationship? Why did you run away?
It seemed great the way you tell it.
Idk if getting high made me suicidal or it was just me but I feel like it may have just been what I was feeling at the time, I should stop blaming the weed and just blame my own preconceived notions that I need to be ok and that happiness is attainable. The best I can hope for now is my original plan of making a shit ton of art and doing some drugs and becoming an alcoholic and going out in a blaze of glory when I'm 27, like my homeboy. I'll never be normal, I can at least give up on trying to achieve that.
We will just fantasize about suicide you and i both, we won't actually do it

I think the only thing keeping me alive is the shame aspect, i come from a very hard working family with such pride that if i killed myself it would completely ruin my family

Mom. Dad sister brother etc the impact won't be worth it
Also the after life, if god exists then you're screwed

If nothingness exists then why not exist and handle and seek purpose? I honestly think becoming a father is the ultimate distractions thing to keep you busy off suicide thoughts until you're children grow up

But even then you would natrually want to see grandchildren etc

All these cliches of life , i know we've heard it a million times but we have to acknowledge the truth

Suicide to me is just fantasy personally
The 27 club.
Keep doing what you're doing.
Your mind is made up, there's no use in arguing.
Family I have 3 pieces of advice for you.
1. Don't take yourself or life too seriously
2. Find a hobby and a job to take your mind off that shit you're currently wallowing in
3. Whatever it is that you're currently obsessing on right now, if you choose to live, you'll find something much better than that.
Yeah no I was just kidding, I know I'm really grossly weird and like I've scared him before with how cryptic and awkward I am, that's part of why I was never too direct with telling him what I was really feeling. I even probably would have had a chance a few months ago because it seemed like he liked me but then I guess I fucked it up somehow? I can't even remember what I would have done, maybe it is just me after all. He had the convenient opportunity of moving a few hours away and tried to say he didn't want a long distance relationship but we were really perfect and in love for a long ass time, so I just let him say that because I didn't want to hear him say he just didn't want to be in a relationship when he was going to a new place. For whatever reasons, not going to slutshame him anymore but it's not like I am oblivious. That's probably part of what did it too, I worry a lot and get jealous because he was never super direct with me and he had a lot of girls he talked to that I didn't know about. He was at least honest about talking to them and didn't super try to hide it but he wasn't open about it either. Idk we were both shady I guess, I was always jealous and he was always making me jealous. But fucking we played music together, I even drew him pictures, I would leave little messages and doodles in his binder when we hung out in spares, I'd even ditch class just to go see him sometimes when I knew he'd be just chilling (I'd tell teacher I was going to the loo) and when we hung out, we would cuddle and watch movies and sit in the darkness in the basement for hours, just watching films. Then we'd make music or play house and eat dinner, and cuddle on the couch watching more movies or documentaries and I'd massage his scalp, he'd be making jokes about the guys on screen, it was the most welcome and warm I've ever felt considering most of my family are abusive and whiney assholes who like to be crabs in the bucket. He showed me more than that.
That look like the perfect relationship, the good part at least.
So it boil down to communication issues?
Thanks m8, I'm gonna make lots of dark and depressing and sad art and music and use my body as a tool to get what I get out of shit, just so people can say I did something, plus I'll have that perspective of actually being a depressed person and not just pretentious. At least when people hear my shit and think it's too sad they'll know it's genuine, I died just so they could have depressing art to look at and listen to. I sacrificed my mental health so they could laugh at my ironic tragedy.
We all go through hardship, some harder than other, you either grow as a person or checkout.
Yep, and also we wasted a lot of time, I should have just lightened up on him, he should have been more understanding and tried to see where I was coming from more (he didn't like things he saw as threats and would just shut down and not talk to me, even though I just wanted nothing more than to hold him and stroke his hair and idk, just be with him) it sucks not being able to hold him and feel his warmth, he was a skelly but super adorable in his own way, even though he might have had low self esteem, I couldn't tell most of the time.He really was perfect, I can't name one thing that I wouldn't have loved about him, even his flaws were for the perfect reasons or they just added up in a way that made him who he was, or because they were a part of him I loved them. I even once kissed his toes when he was sleeping because I love him. I hope he'll be happy til the end of time, even if I never am haha.
Have you ever read The Amazing Gatsby?
The guys decide to work hard all his life to get back his first love.
It's not really helping, but you could try to become the person he always wanted.
The right thing is to move along, but you could at least give it a shot if its the only love you'll ever want.
Can you at least try to use paragraphs? It's bound to give me a headache if I'd read more than 5 of your posts.
Hey well that is what I'm doing, at least I am trying. Maybe I should make a list of what I think he'd like, what he's like, what I know he likes, and what I like, bla bla blah. I know him pretty well, apart from how mysterious he is, he really likes when people are genuine and do things for themselves so doing this, making myself into someone he'd like, is probably kind of manipulative and insincere lol. I don't even care because I just want to live for him, I don't want to ever fall in love again if it means it can't be with him. I like your suggestion though, I will read that, I know it's one of the classics.
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and why would I care what a filthy tripfag like you thinks of me, you wretched beast? I should have filtered the scum like you out a long time ago, and I was having such a good discussion too. Blegh. gtfo of my thread attention whore
The Great Gatsby from Oggsford was a goddamn drug dealer

Fuck off
Good analysis

But yeah, improve yourself, be more like he want.
Its not insincere if you truly changed.

Keep it touch with him also.
Get ready to strike when you get the opportunity.
As someone who made roughly 10 text walls of posts because he was irritated noone was replying, you pretty much forfeited your right to call anyone an attentionwhore, dumb frogposter.
If you ever decide it's time, then do one thing - get your affairs in order. Settle things with everyone you know. Tell each family member how you feel - have a real conversation. Take care of anything you need to take care of then decide.
Thanks for the song anon, and the words, you are right, I just need to wallow and complain and moan first about my misery. here's a link back, I like these guys, and this song was stuck in my head https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_hE_lviwGY
Lol cool thanks man you are way cooler than me bruh
That's what I've been trying to do but it's hard because I know a lot of the people are too busy and they won't read it or reply or they just don't care, and I don't even know what I'd say other than I love them and I'm sorry, I'm not really close to a lot of people, I have maybe 5 friends at most. I'd worry about my mom though because I wouldn't be the first child she'd lose.
That was not implied, dumb frogposter.

Either way, considering you seem to have absolutely lost your mind and are suicidal, I think I won't see more of you in the future, and thank God I don't.
Great song familia.
Let the emotions flow, don't supress them, they will come back even stronger.
How long have you been suicidal?
This one man thread is shit, you are a faggot. Just do it.
That is true, the times when I think I'm getting better or happier I was actually just distracted by good stuff and letting my bad side stay how it was and not growing as a full person, the only way I can connect to people is when I'm putting my bad self away and being the Cool Anon. Except on here of course, I feel like I'm allowed to be dumb and lame because we're autists and not gonna bully each other for being pathetic, for the most part. Plus a lot of you guys, if not most of you are depressed so you can relate for the most part. This song is also pretty good and it reminds me of you guys, and divergent thinkers who are genuine and don't really fit in anywhere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JL_ZTC0FsLw
I've been depressed for pretty much my whole life since both my parents were pretty abusive and my dad was an alcoholic, I learned to make excuses about it though in my head to lessen what happened so that I can stay sane and not go on just hating the world because of what happened to me in the past. But anyway, I was hopeful because I didn't think people would get worse than that but I just kept getting more and more jaded as the years went on, I probably first considered suicide when I was like 11. Sounds really young but some kids introduced me to cutting because it was literally a fad and for me it became a hobby, but I was always way better at hiding it than those other kids, I wasn't trying to get attention for it. I guess I was able to prove to myself that it was real and not just for attention, since now, 8 years later I am still depressed and suicidal. it's the little things
I think it's funny you're saying I have a fragile ego, when you're the only full caps raging like a fucking baby.

So... Yeah, that statement didn't really hurt any part of my ego. Sorry mate.
Cutting can feel good and numb the pain, people who never inflicted cant understand.

Have you considered going to a therapist?
Severe depression is being depressed for 6 month, youve been depressed for 8 years.
You could also get some neetbux while you're at it.
I don't think you're ready to find a job right now.
Take more time to heal, don't rush it.
Inflicted self-pain*

"You can't repeat the past"
-Can't repeat the past? Why of course you can. I'm going to fix everything just the way it was before. (Gatsby)

I'm so used to being depressed that I am just really really comfortable with being and doing nothing. It's like actually really nice to just chill and turn off and be high, every time I tell myself to make the appointment or go to the clinic I end up sleeping the day away or getting high or making some dumb excuse. Point is I only tried maybe 5 real times if that and the only times I took myself was 3 times. I was thinking about it lately and that I should go check up on her (instead of the other way around lol) but then again I could just waste more time being numb and withdrawn and separate from this reality. You're right though, I could just take action right now but I have to waste another day because my sleep schedule is shit. It's 9 am and I haven't slept yet and I can't talk to anyone or do anything when I'm this tired. It's probably just the autism and weed but I feel like I'm so robotic right now. I float about through time in a foggy stupor, it's been maybe 3 years of this particular mood now, feels great bro.
Like I guess this specific depression has been 3 years and it's only felt like a week or something, time is nothing anymore, this is what it is to be old. I waste a lot of time too lol
oh and I haven't cut deep for a few months because I don't have a razor or anything but the last time I did cut I did little pussy scratches with a dirty needle and think I might have gotten tetanus lol or something, but you're right it felt so good like I'd do it again if I had the energy, it felt right at the time.
I should also mention, if it matters, I dropped out of high school the very last year and I only have like a semester left but people keep telling me "go back to school" like it's gonna mean shit and like they don't get why a smart person like me couldn't possible just want to "get it over with". again, I'll refer them back to the autism. Plus I got addicted to weed ayylmao. But this old friend of mine I was talking to today, told me to just go to school at the college instead of the high school like I planned to finish. They pay you to go to school and it's not a GED it's a real diploma! I didn't even know they had that so things are looooookin upppppp lol
You're still really young, you'll be old once you hit 35.
Btw, don't be hard on yourself.
You'll need a lot of willpower for the next years.

Its not a meme book, it give pratical advices.

1. effective willpower - just noticing what's happening is key
2. the willpower instinct - anything that puts a stress on your mind or body can sabotage self-control but too much willpower is stressful
3. self-control is like a muscle - it gets tired from use but regular exercise makes it stronger
4. why being good encourages bad behavior - we use past good behavior to justify indulgences
5. why we mistake wanting for happiness - even false promises of reward make us feel alert and captivated, so we chase satisfaction from things that don't deliver
6. how feeling bad leads to giving in - self-compassion is a far better strategy than beating ourselves up
7. we discount both future rewards and future costs - we consistently act against our own long-term interests and we illogically believe our future selves will (magically) have more willpower
8. why willpower is contagious - humans are hardwired to connect and we mimic and mirror both willpower failures and willpower successes of our social network
9. inner acceptance improves outer control - attempts to fight instincts and desires ironically make them worse

Get some sleep, you seems to have hits a low point. Wait until you feel somewhat better to get your life back on track.
Don't rush it also, one little step at a time.
I mean education is always good.
But to be real, nobody will ever check your high school diploma, nobody have time for that.
Imo, you're good in art, forge a false one.
Its unethical, but in the end, none of this really matters.
What I'm trying to say is, you gave more urging priorities.
You guys are great, only helpful advice I've ever gotten to what I'm going through and I like how I don't feel like I am being talked down to, a lot of times I've tried to reach out people would just give unhelpful advice that might mean well but isn't relevant to me. I wish I could forge one lel that would be great and I would love being all sneaky and creative like that, thing is I am a pussy and probably wouldn't know how to do it right/ would be so paranoid I'd be found out. I do actually really like that idea, though...
Alll the artists, intellectuals, deviant personalities living on the fringe, they're miserable, suicidal, and hopeless. They put off working hard, really pouring everything they have into it, because the idea of suicide looms over them. They become emotionally tender, can't go flying off the handle or your overpowering animal brain will make you its bitch and next thing you know you're smoking roaches off the sidewalk in your sisters clothes.

Normal people on the other hand, at their worst, kill off all artistic sensibility, capability for abstract thought.

Weed ducks with your brain. It makes you content where you should be busting your ass. That's what you rob yourself of. If you want to go into conspiratorial territory, its possible that the fringe itself has been manufactured and mass-produced, creating a fantasy world, a utopia, an escape to a perfect world to keep people from changing the minor dysfunctions and injustices that fuck with the real one we live in.

Probably won't stick around to chat.
Imo, its all about charisma
Idk if you ever saw the movie "Catch me if you can". The guy was super slick and could get away with anything.
Its all about practice.

Lots of people have faked their uni study and got away with it.
Even some Deens of university.

Yeah people help the best way they can. They just don't know how bad it can get for some.

Lol thanks anon, I appreciate that, you have a lot of good points although I don't want to quit weed. I do know I have to though which sucks because I love it so much, I've been addicted without giving myself any break and I'm still a teenager so my brain is probably a bit fucked from doing that to it. Still though, you're right, I just gotta do what I do and harness the power of my brain and do something awesome, I have been slowly getting better at drawing. I also never talk about this but I had a seizure a year ago and ever since I was in a fog and had a really bad temper about shit, but then I did shrooms the other week and had a bad trip and almost felt like I was gonna die, I either fainted or almost had a seizure again but anyway it was the same thing, I was really weak afterwards and tired and my mood changed. This time though, rather than feeling dumb and fogged, I feel like the fog is starting to clear and I'm pretty scared of how real life is. sometimes when I'm listening to the same songs I've always been listening to, I'll get this almost orgasmic feeling in my ears. My creativity and my sense of humour are back and I can even draw better than I did before, before I was degenerating because of the seizure. shrooms are beautiful things.
I wanna see that movie, it's on my list. I don't really have charisma but I'm almost always genuine, I don't try to pretend I'm anything. I've always liked that about myself, at least, I can bounce back from shit when it's not a big deal because I have my own agenda. To be honest this one guy is the only guy to ever have this kind of a hold on my emotions and my brain and for this long, any other person I talked to I was able to let go. I feel like I have to prove something to him one last time before I can let myself die lol also I just want to fall in love with him again one last time, if even just for a week. It might come up again, he's still coming up as single on facebook and he still tried to talk to me even after all this time. I don't know how pathetic he finds me just yet lol.

anyway I went off on a big tangent there but yeah I think I should just learn how to be more charismatic and how to "act", I think I seem like a little kid some of the time and people look down on me because I "act" autistic. Whatever. People suck anyway lol. thanks for the link man lol
Ahh dude, thats some great news.
Keep it touch with him, and improve.
Theres still some hope.
Go get it!! Give it the best you can.
>omg I'm sooo suicidal and sooo depressed tee hee

kill yourself you fuckin nerd
Thanks man, I just sent him a message. I'm starting to think I might just give up though because I did message him a few days ago and facebook tells me he saw it, but he never responded. I think he might be bored of me. :/ maybe he will be ready in a month or two though, I was meaning to take a vacation from social media anyway. I don't have a lot of hope lol but thanks for your support, I wish you were him instead, he probably has no hope either.
"They never miss until your dead or you're gone"
Yeah, thats the right thing to do, work on yourself, see for yourself some time later.
My mother came to me crying the other night
She told me that if I goes she goes
I don't know how I should go about killing myself now
I had it planned for a while
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