I'm in grad school at a top 3 worldwide school in a stem field, 6'5, in good shape, come from a well off family, can socialize well among others and people like me alright
but I was raped a lot when I was little and any time some kind of romantic or intimate situation happens my skin starts to crawl and I feel disgusted and scared
I notice girls looking at me but I pretend I don't see them and run away looking at the ground, I'm constantly nervous around them and can't stop swallowing
there was a girl in the library today who was playing with her hair and she kept looking at me, I just tried to pretend like I was working hard and didn't see her
when I packed up to leave she looked over and started packing up too, so I nervously packed up even quicker and tried to get out before she finished
she quickly walked over and caught up with me and started to say something but when she did I lost it and started actually running away from her at a sprint
got home and I'm realizing its never going to happen, I'm realizing I'm fundamentally broken and will never have any close relationship for the rest of my life, its not even like I could get lucky and meet somebody because the problem is me and its only getting worse
OP, admitting your issue is a HUGE step. Denial will always hold you back, and that's what you're doing now. You're in denial about the fact that despite your past it is just that, the past. I'm not trying to marginalize what you went through cuz I imagine it was tragic, but if you identify and reinforce the idea that you are a victim and will never get better then that's a self fulfilling proohecy.
Countless people get dragged through shit in their early lives. Some of them take those experiences as just that, experienced they went through, and move on. This is obviously easier said than done, but it can be done if you want it bad enough and are willing to put in the effort. The key is to understand that YOU ARE NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE. I'm using caps for emphasis, not anger here.
Our lives are only in this current moment. Past and future exist only in your mind. The past doesn't have to own you if you don't want it to.
It will take training and discipline to get over the physical manifestations, and those may never fully go away. But they can be managed.
I suggest psychiatric help for medications for anxiety, meditation, and practicing self inquiry.
Why do i know these feels all too well
I dont remember being molested but i have had dreams similar and i am scared of intamicy and deep connections.
I feel just being in the same room as a female makes me want to crawl out of my skin and run
Oh and my mom was very abusive to me so thats probably why