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Writefag's Guild 11/1/16
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You are currently reading a thread in /mlp/ - My Little Pony

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Let's get hypothetical.

You're a writer whose been going at it for a bit now. You really enjoy what you do and put your blood, sweat, and tears into each story. One day, you decide to post it in a random thread to get some feedback.

Just one problem: No takers.
You wonder if you should even bother writing; you decide to quit and move on to something else.

If that story applies to you, then hold your horses. If all you wanted was feedback, improve your writing skills a bit, or maybe just see how others do it, then you've come to the right place. There are a few rules however:

>Posting the story directly in the thread is preferred over a link to pastebin, FiMFiction, etc.*

>One story at a time

>Don't be a dick or asshole when reading or critiquing

>All stories posted within thread must be prewritten.

This thread's purpose is to encourage writefags all over /mlp/ to write. We’re laid back here. Post what you want as long as its pone related. We’re not all “STOREEEYS ONLY!” We discuss topics such as writing techniques, interesting tropes, and bring forth story ideas. Let’s have fun.

*Not really a rule, but more a preference.
Tips and Links

Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug's tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup: http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f

http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.

Things you should know about writing:
Clever's Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn's Guide to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dIjqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/
(More links to come)

Lists of authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy

There are tons of authors from other threads, more will be added later.

>”How do I cure my writer’s block?”
There’s no one way cure to it, but if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing, there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (Keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*
-Write anyway, allow yourself to write shitty stories, more often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.

*Unless you’re writing clop, listen to your boner.
How do I into subtext?
Now this really depends on what you're trying to subtext. Or are you more trying to figure out another authors subtext?
Obligatory reminder that the semicolon is an underrated punctuation and should be applied in writing more often.

Couldn't agree more
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Previous thread

Currently no offers or requests.
Take that fucking special nazi OC out of here.
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>Or are you more trying to figure out another authors subtext?
I guess both. I'd like to appreciate reading on another level, as well as take my writing to a new level as well
How do you know when you've come across a nuanced character, and not just a bland one?
Made replies to a review of my stuff last thread.
In case it wasn't seen or whatever.
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this is already a good thread.
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So I have a strange little piece of something. Some so-far incomplete green that I put down in a recent thread. A bigger story overtook pretty quick but I got trace amounts of interest and I thank you, whoever you folks were.

If any of you awesome folks would be willing to provide some form of feedback that'd be appreciated. I'm just sort of hoping for some general stuff. Is the humor on point? Does the direction seem solid? Is the language clear? I haven't really written much for anon-types before and I want to be sure I've got some sort of footing. Also fishing for where I should take this. The thread I started in has found its pace and I don't feel comfortable interjecting.
Prompt (Rainbow Dash)
>"Haha, you faggot can't even stand a hit from a girl! What you gonna do now, fuckboy? Cry?! Fucking nerd!"

"I'll let you know the next time a girl hits me, you rampaging dyke!"
>Dash bounces the soccer ball off your chest with all the strength she can put into a one armed throw
>"You want to say that to my face, dweeb?"
"Could you help me find it? You're put together like Escher took a drug-addled shit."
>Dash stabs a finger into your chest, her other hand balled up in a shaking fist
>"Who the hell is Escher? Your star buttplug?"
>You square up to try an emphasize some size difference
>There isn't much difference to emphasize
"Sorry, I forgot I'd need to partially drown myself before I could speak on a level you can grasp."
>Dash punches you hard in the hip, just missing your stomach
>"I can grasp a few ways to shut you the fuck up, egghead."
>You stumble back but maintain your footing in the end
>you snatch at her jacket to keep her in place until you catch your breath
>Luckily your diaphragm isn't mid-spasm and you can summon another retort
"Thanks for illustrating my point, you caveman bitch. You don't know what to do so you throw your arms around like a tard on sugar."
>Dash yanks back against your grasp on her jacket
>One of the seams audibly rips

Take a hike, kike.
>She pauses, looking down at her clothing, then looks up and grabs your shirt by the front pocket
>She yanks it downward, ripping the shirt clean down the center
>Your partially exposed chest is a bit cold
>And this was your favorite t-shirt
>You reach halfway back and give her an open hand slap across the cheek
>She grins and immediately throws a hard elbow into your shoulder, following up by stomping on one of your feet
>You snatch her wrist and yank it out of the way
>She puts your slapping hand into her vice-like grip and yanks it down
>You awkwardly jerk your un-stomped foot forward to bruise her shin
>She rams her forehead against yours, though with very little force given the precarious nature of your respective positions.
>You pull toward each other and kiss, hard
>Your teeth click together briefly and you both ignore the pain
>The meat beneath your skin hurts all over
>Presumably where she hit you. You already can't remember specifics
>You pull her arm against your pants while your tongue invades her mouth
>Her tongue responds, the two of you locking in a new sort of muscular battle
>She palms clumsily at your crotch a few times before grunting into your mouth
>You release her wrist and she takes a vicious handful of your dick and balls, through the pants
>You bare with it by grabbing the greatest possible amount of her left asscheek, pulling it away from its friend and massaging it in circles through her bike shorts
>She fumbles with your pants until her hand is inside, finding more direct contact with your dick
>Hard as a fucking towel rack
>Your own fingers snake into her shorts to prod at whatever 'openings' they can find
>She still hasn't let go of your other arm
>You still haven't stopped polishing each others teeth
>She starts up her regular dry-tugging hand job
>You come across a trickle of moisture down what you can reach of her inner thigh
>You follow the wet trail to the honey hole and start panning for gold
>She finally releases your other hand to push your faces apart
>You don't step apart, still working each others love equipment
>a bridge of spittle links the pair of you at the lips
>She's breathing heavily as she stares you down, angry eyes dancing in place as she searches for words
>You beat her to it
"Could you...spit on it...or something?"
>Shit, you're out of breath too
"I'm getting a rug burn from your gorilla hands."
>She grits her teeth and growls through them
>"Guess I was a little distracted by your awkward fucking reach around. Are you dialing a phone? Do it from the front, you idiot."
>You readjust your handhold on her while she pulls your shorts back and unceremoniously spits into them
>You're almost disgusted by the action
>but then she looks up at you, through her bangs while she does the deed
>You nearly jettison your care package in her face
>And your own, considering the proximity
>To stave off the urge, you wriggle two fingers into her
>From the fucking front this time. Whiny bitch
>She dives back into tugging on your shaft, seemingly pleased with her nasty spit job
>The two of you press your foreheads together and trade glares while you work
>Panting the whole time
>You hear a distant gasp of shock and briefly recall that you're both standing on a fucking public soccer field
>A little groan from Dash effectively erases the outside world once more
>You're getting close
>She is too. You know the look
>She yanks down the front of her shorts and you yank down the front of your own
>She bends you in the direction of her exposed sex and doubles-down on the jerk sesh
>You scrape her insides with two fingers like you're shaping a wet clay vase
>You grunt in unison
>You fire off, load closing the short distance between you and landing squarely in her shorts
>You watch closely as you can manage
>She doesn't piss... this time
---Some time later---

"Are you embarrassed at all?"
>Dash raises an eyebrow at you while she adjusts her shirt and dusts off her shorts
"I mean, you came almost immediately. I though you were tough shit with stamina for days."
>She shows you a casual middle finger as you zip your own shorts up
>"I was thinking about Twilight. Her dick is bigger than yours."
>You roll your eyes
"I don't see you crawling back to HER every day."
>"Who the hell do you see crawling? I could take you or leave you faggot."
>The pair of you walk... or limp, side by side off the field and head for home
"I bet you'd like to take me, he-bitch."
>"Like you wouldn't totally dig my awesome dick in your butt."
"So you admit to the dick?"
>"You tell me, fingers."
>You carry on like that, the sun setting on the horizon ahead of you
>That's when you'll make her piss herself
>You're chillin' out at home
>Cool air blowing through your bedroom window
>Controller in hand, absorbed in your umpteenth match of Rocket League
>It's a nice balance of hot and cold outside that would normally warrant going for a run
>but you're sporting a few bruises that you're not keen to stress
>You have the game volume set low
>The cheering of the crowd is faint and fading quickly in favor of the peaceful ambiance of the outdoors
>A gentle breeze pushing through barren trees
>The muted laughter of children playing several blocks away
>The wooden gate to your back yard gently swaying, unlatched and open
>Your neighbors chattering while they prepare food for lunch, their own windows opened to enjoy the momentary reprieve in extreme weather
>You massage your calves against each other and consider a mid-day nap
>No work for two days
>No pressing social obligations
>Just some you-time
>You close your eyes, feeling the controller slip from your grasp, current match be damned
>A surprised choke is the best you can manage as a football soars through your bedroom window and nails you squarely in the head
>You sprawl out on the floor, completely bewildered
"T..The fuck?"
>You make quick sense of Up and Down and use your regained spatial awareness to locate the window
>At the end of your backyard, just within the open gate, is Rainbow Dash
>A tree, a waving gate, a partially opened window: there were a lot of factors working against the admittedly amazing shot she made from that point to your head
>But that's not so important at the moment
"What the fuck is your problem?"
>Your voice wavers a bit when you shout at her
>A little squeak that threatens to tear down your mighty masculine walls
>One Dash wouldn't miss for the world
>And yet you don't see her smirk
>The glow of a rebuttal opportunity doesn't seep out of her core and across her face
>She just looks pissed
>She lingers in the gate for an awkward beat and you stare her down
>You throw up your hands and stand, walking to the window and leaning out
"You need to chill the fuck out and tell me what you're on about."
>She vibrates in place a little
>A container of anger bursting at the seams
>She jabs a finger in your direction
>"You've been talking to Gilda! Or Rarity! Or fucking Flash! Someone."
>You jerk your head back in a show of genuine confusion
>Your head collides with the half-opened window and pain fires across your skull
>Triggering your own building anger
"Maybe I was! At least they make some goddamn sense, once in a while!"
>Dash literally shakes her fists in the air and screams, looking around for something to punch
>Finding nothing, she decides to point at you again
>"Big badass Anon, right? No one fucks with Rainbow Dash but then you come along and HEY you've got her all figured out! Right?"
>Your head is still throbbing and the onslaught of half-complete thoughts from Dash isn't healing anything
>You stumble the rest of the way through the window and step outside
>She still won't leave the gateway
"You are being batshit- oh, just come the fuck in already!"
>She huffs loudly and walks through the gate into your yard, making tracks for you
>You get the old fingerjab in the chest
>"I talk to Gilda today and she asks me how long you and I have been a thing. Now, why the hell would she be thinking something like that!?"
>You throw your hands up again
"Fuck if I know! I don't hang out with her! That's your deal!"
>"Uhm, excuse me but-"
>You and Dash both whip around to look at your neighbor just at the other side of your fence
>You yell at him together
>He scurries away and you refocus on each other
>"I told you a hundred goddamn times that whatever we do, it's competition. COM-PE-TI-TION. You don't get to go around telling every one of your dumbass keyboard jockey nerdlings that we fuck around."
That's where I cut it short. There's some stuff going on in there. Lots of fucks and pisses.
Now I don't want this 404ing again m8's.

ya ain't dying on meeeeee
I think... I should have read that pastebin about clop before... writting clop.
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Post it here so we can tear you a new one~
Do you guys have any inclination to write for certain ponies? If so, why do you think that is?

Even though my pastebin doesn't really show it, I personally tend to write stories involving Twilight. I feel like I have an easier time writing her than I do other characters.
Side characters. Mostly BP's. I have never done and probably will never do a main character. I guess they just seem saturated.
How are you, people of the home?
good, you?
Currently reading.
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Okay, so there’s a lot of room for improvement here. Clop is tricky to write, you need good details that include all the sense, but you don’t want it to turn into purple prose. That being said, you also don’t want to the scene to fly by so quickly.

And that’s what we have here. Your descriptions were brief, and although you weren’t inaccurate with the anatomy, your word usage was getting played out with the use of ‘member’, but hey, no sweat, I get that wrote this without having checked out the links in the OP.

The actual clop was a bit on the meh tier side, but once you start writing more of it, you’ll get the hang of it. Just remember that you have to take your time with clop. Plan out your details, have them arouse the reader, make it come off raw, natural, reactive. There’s more to it than putting dick in pussy and moaning. There’s humming, sighing, lips quivering, breathing, temperature of the room, sloppy wet noises, countless factors that sum up one hot as fuck moment of The Art of Fucking. You have to –feel- that scene, visualize and go from there. Avoid from sounding mechanical at all cost.

Clop is outright blatant porn that demands a writer to capture the most intimate and sensual of nature.

Don’t shy away from it.


You really got me in the mood for beans and tortillas by the way. Sounds fucking good right about now
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Oh, also, before I forget. You're too liberal with those ellipsis. Dial that back. And how you do POVs could use some work.

>Be Anon
Is lazy, rely on context to let the reader know who's eyes they're looking through.

>"Anon! I'm not taking a bath with Sweetie Belle."
"Damn it Rumble, quit being a faggot!"
>Christ, you can't believe you signed up for the babysitting bullshit.

And when you switched to Rumble you could've gone with:

>Anon will pay for his betrayal.
>"Hey Rumble~"
"H-hey there Sweetie."
>Spaghetti spilling, etc, etc.
The whole
>Be X
Is no longer needed, I get that its a classic greentext thing, but that's outdated.
Figured I should at least touch on that as well.

Hope this helped, writefriend!
Hey. Leave him alone. It was a good clop. Though I have to agree, this whole ''you'' thing was pointless.
I didn't mean to make it sound like I was attacking him. Just giving some information on what he can improve on. A couple of pointers.

>It was good clop.

It was a good starting point. I've certainly seen worse. And he was in fact too liberal with ellipsis. I see that a lot with fairly newer writefags.
Well, it was the very first Rumble x Sweetie clop I've seen and possibly the first anyone ever wrote, so at least from me the writefag deserves a medal.
Agreed, I didn't expect a Rumble x Sweetie.

But I wanna see our writefriend improve too.
Everything started here: >>26021507
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It all makes sense now!
If we're really sparse on requests I wouldn't mind another take at my poem work.
If anyone wants to. Another opinion, or just an impression would be appreciative—and beneficial for this I think.
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Hey Anon, you're free to post actual content y'know. It helps keep the thread bumped, and people get to have a look see.

C'mon! Post ze latest!
I think posting this in the thread seems less conventional t.b.h.
It's a lot of spaced-out free verse text that'll make it look like an hit avalanche the page.
It seems I made a grievous error somewhere. Apologies
Taking notes, that should come handy for me in the future.
Thanks for the feedback m8, and yes, tortillas and beans are the fucking best.
And that last thing about POV's, i'll take it in mind.

Tfw wanted to do Rumble and Button clop

Ye, it pretty much died when I said "There, story over, pray for another writefag to get a better story"
work hard!
read a book

Or at least eat a book.
Booty. Bump.
This seems like a weird one to go wild bumping. What are you waiting for if youre not having writing discussion?
Any discussion will do. Could spark some inspiration or something.

I'm all for being a casual chatty Kathy.
True enough. But now I feel like I'm on the spot and don't have a sweet topic to bring up. What drivel are people watching in between seasons?
I have been watching Community, Samurai Champloo, just recently finished Sons of Anarchy.

Jessica Jones was pretty neat. And now I'm about to get into Starbound.
I'd give Jessica Jones the time of day is Krysten Ritter's face didn't piss me off. It's a crazy, meaningless sort of anger.

Champloo and Sons of Anarchy, on the other hand, don't involved Krysten Ritter and are good fun. Actually haven't finished Sons. Had a key character death spoiled early on and lost willpower.
SOA is intense man. Just damn. Good soundtrack too
If it's officially over, yeah? More inclined to started again if I can go ahead and finish in one sitting or two or however fucking long
Yes, it's officially over. But man, the episodes get longer and you catch watcher's fatigue ever now and then
The bane of all these hour long series, I figure. Breaking Bad became a slog after so long. The you got these 15 minute cartoons coming in at the other end of the spectrum. I like my comfortable 23 minute windows in the end, I think.
You'd like Community, oh, I forgot to mention I caught up on Big Bang Theory as uncool as that show is, it is a guilty pleasure.
I may have posted here before, does anyone remember giving feedback on the magic in a Druid Anon story?

I've been working on it, and I'd like to make sure the magic isn't OP.

Well, I'm just gonna post an overview of how it'll work.

Bear with me, this is obviously all headcannon. Anon will develop what seems like good luck to him, in the form of unexplainable phenomena bailing him out of bad situations. It's an idea stolen from Harry Potter, but I think it works really well. All of the magic itself will basically be ripped from Pathfinder and DnD. I have a character sheet drawn up for Anon, and will use a hybrid of DnD 3.5 Druid and Pathfinder Oracle for him. I want the flavor and spells from druid, but the spontaneous casting of Oracles. It felt more natural, as Anon isn't going to have a spell book or anything because he's just a regular outdoorsy human.

To explain the headcannon completely requires spoiling the plot, but I'll do my best. Due to an imbalance in Equestria's latent magic, shit starts going haywire. The portal that pulled Anon into Equestria is one such event, and the sheer amounts of magic involved imprint upon him (Originally I had him dropped into the Everfree because of this, but that's so damn overdone). The portal pulling Anon into the wilderness is 'natural' in nature (akin to Pegasus and Earth pony) but the massive nature of the event allows him to tap into that magic in a way more similar to a unicorn.

Without training, the magic is almost reflexive, but when Anon meets ponies, that starts to change. First he learns that it is indeed magic, and just that knowledge will afford him some control. But his power doesn't really grow until he begins to receive training in proper casting and magical focus. Eventually Anon will even discover his role in the storm, and his place in Equestria.
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Eye Spies a Hawk
Yeah, I don't follow you on that one. Not that I haven't tried. I have been considering Community for some time. Parks and Rec as well. People talk it up enough.
I'm already half way through the second season of Community, and I can honestly say, I enjoy it.
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Hush You
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Parks and Rec is excellent
If you're still around, I can look at that greentext for you. I wasn't here at all last night.
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That would be cool, though I do feel mildly awkward now for whatever reason
No problem. I'm starting to read right now.
Not bad. Really, amazingly abrupt with the fight giving way to such bold lewdness, but it looks like you're going to be using a ton of sexual tension between the two, so you could be on the right track toward justifying that kind of cold open. I didn't laugh at any part of this, but I didn't find the humor to be annoying or harmful to the story. There's a lot of fun to be had in them trading infuriated witticisms, and it gave their interaction a valuable spark of subtle life, which is great for characterization. The language is very clear up to this point, and your grammar is fine. I don't really have much to critique at this point, partially because of how short it is (no surprises there, though).

I would caution you on not making Dash too dumb. Right now, she's acting like a fire-and-forget missile, someone who gets interested in something, loses sight of everything else, and just goes. That kind of character is difficult to work with, because it's hard to make someone that monumentally single-minded believable. So you'd better resolve the conflict you have at the end with some discussion, and not just another round of escalation until something else happens. Even a dummy like Dash is capable of human interaction, and you need to show that, even if it's mostly eclipsed by her bitchy side.

I'm not too certain where you should take it, because this is the only general that I spend time in. All the others are largely foreign to me. My uneducated advice would be to try either the fingerbang or Norman thread, or use this to inflate one of the myriad random EqG threads that pop up every freaking day.

I would be comfortable reading a full story of this, if you finish it and bring it back.
Thanks for the feedback. I've sort of hit the ground running with MLP writing and have a small pile of pieces in development so I thought a few choice words of wisdom early on would be beneficial. And right I was, there are a few things to ponder.

I may well return with a completed piece to look at. Might also rework the opening bits to be less thread-specific. I like the idea, though, and a little confidence reinforcement is good. Thanks again.
My pleasure.
What do you do when you really need to finish a story, but you don't feel inspired and/or you don't know how exactly to progress? I know, some will say don't write unless you're really feeling it, but at some point, something needs to get done or I won't ever finish it
All I can tell you is that you have to push through it. It's easier said than done, but its the truth.

I know the feeling man. I bounce between projects all the time, but my first series... it just may never happen.
I generally put it on the shelf and pour effort into a new project. Rinse and repeat. My portfolio is a thousand stories strong with nary a conclusion in sight. I'll let you know when I find the answer, anon.
Why doesn't the guild have its own greens?

Would the guild like it's own green?
It's own greens? Whaddya mean?
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Dear god!
I have a couple stories i'd like critiqued and possibly helped finished.

I always hit a wall and never know where to go next.
This one be Anon the faggot... I mean the doge.


>"Fuck you, Anon."
>You lowered your book and saw that a pissed off Twilight was looking at you.
"Wow, hey, that's not a word that you pastel colored ponies should be saying. I taught them to you as human culture, just to be appreciated, not used," you said as you turned another page of the book.
>"I can fucking say whatever the fuck I want whenever I fucking want to!"
>Fumes came out of her nostrils as she stared daggers at you.
>You put down your book and met her eyes.
"That's not very nice of you, Twilight. You hurt my feelings, you know?"
>"Your feelings!? Are you kidding me right now?!"
"Maybe you should apologize."
>"Me?! You should apologize to me!"
>perking up at this. you reply
"And why is that?"
>"Well, maybe it has to do with the fact that you dismantled my entire room!"
"Oh! Yeah, that thing. Wait, you didn't get the memo?"
>"Memo?! No, I don't even know what that is."
"Oh boy... Well, this is awkward."
>"You think?!"
"Okay, here's the thing. I needed some money to fund my enterprise, so seeing as you allowed me to stay here I assumed we shared ownership of the building."
>You took a little break to scratch your head.
"So, in conclusion, I sold your stuff. All of it. You can thank me later"
>The whole place exploded in light.
>You flew out the window, landing on some bushes.
"So that's how you want to play, huh? Well I also sold that dragon of yours too! How does that feel? Emotional pain, I love it."
>A quick flash of light, and Twilight was standing right in front of you.
>"You are going to pay for this."
>Her serious tone actually sent some chills down your spine. Exciting right?
"What are going to do? Kill me? Don't make me laugh. Just give me a lesson about friendship and a slap on the wrist."
>"Oh no, it's not me that's going to handle this."
>As purple magic started to engulf you, thoughts about where she was taking you began to cloud your mind.
>They were soon put to rest at what appeared to be a throne room, and two princesses staring at you.
>The Regal one spoke "Oh twilight and Anon, what a pleasant surprise."
>"Yes, we are most stimulated at your presences-es" Luna said confused for words.
>Twilight speaks
>"I demand justice!, Anon has stolen from me, and violated my trust!"
>The two princesses look at each other uncomfortably.
>Celestia works up the courage and speaks
>"Well you see Twilight, Anonymous has...well when an empire needs to expand..."
>interjecting loudly Luna yells
>visibly confused twilight
>"What!?!" recoiling at the thought.
>"Yes, well Anon had this idea, you see to begin trading with the Griffons, past attempts have been well...less than successful."
>"THEY CALLED US THE DEWBS." Shouted the younger sister unable to control her voice.
>Slightly flustered, Celestia continued "yes, that's how it went. We where called 'dwebs'." She said gesturing her hands with air quotations
>"Anon seems to have this charm with them, allowing us to get precious resources from them."
"That's right bitch I can handle those autist, fucking straight plebs over there, sperglords everyone of them."
>Sighing and sitting down "So what about my room, couldn't you loan him the bits?"
>Celestia scrapping the ground with her hoof uncomfortably looking off in the distance as if she'd rather be anywhere else than here.
>"Well to be fair, you've seen Anonymous he's...."
>"HE'S A GIANT FAGGOT!" her younger interjecting once more.
>More calmly Twilight rebuttals "Well you have to do something can't he at least repay what i'm owed, I mean if he's rich now, he can surely repay a couple thousand bits, right?"
>at this a defeated Celestia said
>"that's the thing, we sort of gave him a 'higher noble' status... we could ask him too."
"I an't given you shit nigga." Anon said as he scratched his crotch.
>"UAGGHHHH!, I swear to Celestia you are the worst!!" twilight said storming out of the room.
"I am going to fuck that girl so hard, just you wait celestia."
>"Just get out anonymous, we need another shipment before hearth warming."
>later that night, Anonymous arrives back at twilight's. He still has a key after all.
"Hey Twiggy I'm home!"
>no response
"huh, must be off doing something dorky."
>looking around anonymous realizes the destruction he has committed, and all in the name of capital gain.
"Maybe I went a little overboard...."
>books torn, and furniture broken. even her faggy doll thing was torn open for it's cotton. But you did what you had to do.
"Ahh theirs the piggy!"
>"Anon I want you out."
"Wh~what you want me out?"
>"You heard me, you have no reason to be here now, you can afford to leave."
"Look is this about not paying rent, I can pay you the rent..."
>"No Anon, this isn't about the rent, this is about everything, your rude brash behavior, your drinking binges, your 'whoring' as you call it."
>stepping closer "I felt sorry for you, but in reality you where just using me."
"Look twiggy..."
>"Don't Call me twiggy!!" She said slapping anon across his face.
>a silent stare ensues and Anon thinks for a moment.
"Okay, I'll leave, let me just... go hire so movers, and do some stuff on the side, I'll be gone before the nights done."
>leaving at the door Anon, reply's
"Look kiddo, thanks for everything, I just...old habits die hard. I'm going to make this up to you... I promise."
>she says nothing and he leaves.
>That night movers came and went, and Anon was no where to be seen near the domicile. Except that of a familiar face, Spike.
>"Oh hey Twilight, what's with all the movers?"
>She says softly, while staring out the window "Did he buy you back?"
>"What? I was never sold."
>With a hoarse sigh she replied "of course he didn't...."
>"Oh you know Anon, he just likes to get you all uppity sometimes."
>"So where were you all day than" With a relieved tone she said.
>"Oh Anon gave me some money for ice cream, and told me to try to...uhmm how did he put it... Get some pussy from rarity, what ever that means. weird right?"
>"Hey isn't he usually broke?" He asked.
>"Usually huh. Anon's a noble now, he's some trade prince or something fancy like that, I don't even care." Staring out the window once more.
>"Huh, well that explains it, but why the movers, he buying new furniture?"
>"I kicked him out spike."
>"What, why? I love that guy."
>"I told him to leave because he's childish, petty and I can't....I can't be around him anymore."
>As the last mover began to leave, a stray chest remain "You forget this one!" She shouted motioning to the loan crate in Anon's former room.
"No mam, Anon had specific orders, says so right here."
>The stallion handing her a note with some scribbles

YO, grab dem der things with blue stickers on them, everything else leave it alone, do this or the'll be hell to pay.


>Definitely Anons writing.
"So no blue sticker no go, I got a family to feed miss, can't go bringing useless junk with me. Chiao" He exclaimed rather enthusiastically as they left with the last of Anon's possessions all but one, a lone crate, sitting in his room. 12x12 and all alone on what used to be Anon's bed.
>"Just leave it spike i'm sure it's just his trash or something. I'll deal with it in the morning."
>That very same night at the ponyville tavern a lone Anon sits at the counter drinking.
>The smell of cheap perfume and old wood filled the air. All whilst clutching a paper in his hand.
>But who would find such a lowly soul here in such a dim place.
>It was the kind of place you go to if you want to be alone.
>And a brown pony seems to have taken in interest in his deplorable state and approaches.
>"Well hooowdy Mr. millionaire, how ya'll doin you salty apple you!" The mare said slight shoving anon.
"Oh, hey Applejack, I didn't know you where here this late? Don't you have work tomorrow?"
>"Slow Harvest, gotta let them little fellers grow before I buck em." She said excitedly taking seat near him.
>downing his shot he tapes the table gesturing for Two more hard ciders.
"One for the lady too thanks!"
>"Oh you'll don have to do that."
"Drinking with friends is nice." he says calmly.
>"You know for a millionaire ya don seem too keen right now. Whats eatin you sugar plumb?"
"Oh you know its nothing... Hows Applebloom? She improving in her math?"
>"Now don change the subject sugar cube, I know my Anon, and this an't how he'd act if he'd just come into a heap of bits."
"Ohh how would I act?" grinning and raising his eyebrows.
>"Well you'd be cause a whole heap of fuss, and you'd be half naked right now too. I might add."
>A keen laugh is shared and the night was filled with idle chatter.
>A friendly exchange, but you can't help but think back to your first meeting.
>Yes we remember that night don't we, was it the 5th or the 6th of the month, irrelevant i'm sure.
>you'd just finished getting the shit kicked out of you by a couple of Minotaur's, all because you may or may not have questioned their masculinity a tad bit, and maybe a little spit fell on them while you where talking to them.
>But I mean fuck me right? Some people have no chill.
>Yes, yes it's all coming back, the first time you step foot in here.
"Hu-hey man, can I have some ice please." a bruised and battered Anon said slumping over in the bar.
"And, some Jamerson too!"
>"Don't know what that is mister."
"Right, fuck, uhmm something smooth in a shot glass. oww oww ow." He said slumping over to the bar counter.
>"Coming right up Mr." He said moving off.
"Fuck I wish I had a smoke right now."
>and there she was, what a sad sack. Slumpt over, glass full, and tears in her eyes.
>red bow and silly cowboy hat, geez what dweb.
>a tear leaving her eye hitting the table was all it took, no whimpering nothing.
>Sighing to yourself, you fixed your shirt and your ruffled hair. And walked on next to her. Until you where just behind her and said.
"Hey their pretty lady, you know it's bad luck to drink alone. I reckon" Saying jokingly in his best southern accent this with a pause and a silly smile of course.
"I aughta join you HUH?"
>You get a slight chuckle out of her, and small smile too.
>"Sure, why not." as she turns to face you her smile turns to a bit of a shock naturally
>"Gadzooks what happened to ya?"
"Ohh this, pfft, nothing, just a couple of queers picked a fight with me."
>"A couple?"
"Yea, well fuck them man, you know if they 1v1'd me i'd of kicked their asses. Fucking cheaters."
>And with a slight smile and a giggle she followed with
>"Her I was thinking I was the saddest pony in equestria."
"Now that's more like it, a pretty smile for a pretty girl.
>"Yea, wish I could say the same for you partner."
"Ha, well what brings you down here, this your local hotspot or something?"
>"kinda, yea, well I just need some time is all." She said staring into her glass.
"You keep looking at that glass like it has some kind of answers at the bottom of it."
"You know, liquor is a poor friend."
>"Yea, and what are you? Some kind of saint?"
"Far from that, I just kinda feel like somethings on your mind, yea know?"
>"yea, I supposen you're right... I just... nahh, no one likes to hear a lady complain." she said, quickly dismissing the thought and returning to her glass. Searching for answers.
"Ohh come on" You said giving her a slap on the back.
"It an't doing you any good all cooped inside."
>"You first than." she pouted.
>"Yea, what's your story?"
"Pfft, honey, I an't nothing but a man looking for a chance. Wasn't always like that." You say looking off into space.
"Yea, I was... I was something."
>"Well what where you?"
"Ohh well, how do I explain it, I was a salesmen, and dame good one at that. Now, I'm just some nobody in a new world, looking to climb back up."
>"Well whats stopping you?"
"I didn't sell solid objects, I sold hmmm.... promises, yea that's it, promises to individuals for returns.
"Yea, promises...for a better tomorrow...."
"Welp you're turn what's eaten ya good lookin."
>with a small giggle "you're weird... but kinda funny."
>"Well if you really wanna know. I'm just a tad bit lonely."
"Ahh you an't alone you got me your new buddy! Anonymous, I'd give ya a card, but i'm fresh out."
>"Thanks 'friend', but I need more than a buddy i'm afraid." She said slumping over her head on her hooves.
>"I need a stallion."
"A what?"
>"I need a bucking STALLION okay?"
"what? a pretty thing like you the boys must be lining up for you."
>"Yea, if there where any. Half the time I'm either to busy working the farm, or playing mama, I can't find any time for me."
>"an I need more than just some ruting, I need someone with me!"
"Yea...Yea that's rough..." You said nodding your head.

>"I just... I just need time for me."
>putting your hand over her shoulder you comfort her.
"Look, I know what you mean, I never had time for a wife. Always just sale, sale, sale. Than at night Drink,Drink,Drink."
"And you know, I never drank because I was happy, I drank because I was alone, and I was alone, because all did was drink."
"You know, I an't gonna bullshit ya, it does get lonely at night, coming home to an empty bed, and you know...I can only tell you that, someone will come in time. When you least expect it. You know?"
"Yea, that's right, you just keep strong."
"Now maybe he won't be no princes charming but, he'll be good for you."
"You know, looking at you, I can tell you right now, you are a catch, easy. Good wife material!"
"I beat your new man is just waiting for you tomorrow and you don't even know it."
>"Yea?" with some reassured hope.
"Oh yea. You know what that is a promise I make to you."
>"ohh really, now how much is that going to cost me Mr. Salesman?"
"On the house sister."
>"Thanks." She said regaining her composure.
>"I'm Applejack, in case you where wondering?"
>Extending your hand
"You can just call me Anon."
>"What am I a supposed to do with that."
"Oh nothing never mind." you say retreating the wasted gesture.
>It was nice the rest of the night. And to think it only costed you a couple of broken ribs, and minor concussion.
>Back into the real world now, or as real as it gets for you now I suppose.
>The night had to end eventually for you.
>Twiggy's all uppity now, whatever, you can win her back...I hope.
>Staggering down the streets you shuffle half drunk, and a little hazzy.
"Fuck man, okay, where *gag* where is the place?" you say to yourself trying to get your bearings.
"Oh fuck it man!" You scream throwing yourself on the muddy dark ground near a gutter.
"Congratulations Anon, your on your way back to the top!"
"Hows another empty fucking house sound." you say as the mud from the floor stains your clothes.
"Jesus man. I can't be seen like this."
"I gotta, I gotta get out of here, i'm a doge, no one does business with bums."
>You stand up and shuffle onward for what seem like another thirty minutes..
"There!" pointing to your new palace.
>a cozy two story town house. You muscled the last residents out on a land deal.
>Who where they again, some shitty DJ, and a waste of space Cello-ist?
>What ever, not like you needed to know, you just know when people are hurting and when you can squeeze them.
>Home sweet home I suppose, lets hope that you can keep this up.
>You kick in the door and pass out on the floor. You'd spend the rest of the night like that.
>Man, but why's it even matter to you. Not like you need that shitty girl, right?
>We've had allot of puss in our time, and I can tell ya. we've had much better... though, she was a good girl.
>She never slept with us. She just always seemed to expect more.... what ever man... what ever.
>That night you roll over on your back, and see a left over doll.
>You cradled it, it...it smells feminine like perfume. It's nice right now.
"Ya know...I think it was Three years ago today, I first came here. Some car crash I think. Or I feel in some hole."
>You say to the lifeless doll.
"Noo... that's not it... maybe I was wondering alone on another drunken binge, no, no I always find my way back.
"Regardless We arrived right there"
>you say pointing to the woods in the far off distant.
"Scared out of my mind. Nothing but a two piece on and a pack of smokes too."
"Yea now I wandered into town, hoping to find some people."
"imagine my surprise ponies, everywhere. Right?"
"And they talked too. I couldn't understand what they where saying."
"And than she showed up, like an angel from the sky...."
"LOOK LOOK LOOK! I can't understand you, habla english? uhh speaka the englishie?"
"Oh Christ, I'm getting no where." you sighed as the crowed of odd pastel colored ponies seemed to swarm you.
>They seemed confused, and making odd gestures at you and than pointing at themselves.
>But than they grew quite, as a purple one with horn seemed to part the crowed.
>She spoke.
>"Vedui', amin essa naa tarien uial. amin'm e' charge sinome. are lle lost, uma lle anta?
>"Oh" Here than with a smile and a slight adjustment to here posture, her horn began to glow, and she shot out some kind of magical beem at you.
>Naturally you screamed, and threw yourself on the ground.
"Jesus man, what was that."
>"That, well that was just a little spell to help you communicate with us."
"Wha, you can speak english?"
>"No silly, you're just really good at equestrian now, it should be easy to talk to us now."
>Looking around it all had made sense, now the crowed was making fun of your two piece.
>One mare saying "Geeze, what a weirdo, he's covering everything up."
>her companion responding "you think he's got something to hide?"
>they both giggled to each other.
"HEY, I'll have you know this is a $900 suit"
>"What's a dollar?" The purple one said.
"Wha you mean you never heard of a dollar? Come on, you spend on stuff."
>"Oh you mean bits. That was 900 bits?!?!" The startled pone exclaimed.
>It was only later that you learned that money in equestria is not as inflated as back home.
"Look just can you point me in the direction of a nearby charger? I just want to go home."
>"A charger? Sure! I think I have one in my study."
"Thank you, at least someone here has some manners!" you say glaring at the mares.
>walking through the town you experience much of the same. ponies gawking at you and whispering
>some saying you look like an ape
>fuck those guys
>"So what brings you to equestria"
"E what now?"
>"equestria, you do know that's where you are right?"
"where's that? off the cost of Hawaii?"
>"oh no... are you not from around here?"
"What was your first clue?"
>"Well I'm twilight sparkle element of magic"
>You burst out laughing
"AH HA, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? ELEMENT OF WHAT HA!" patting her on the side
"That's a good one kid, and I'm Anon, element of cock sucking."
>"That can't be true, there are only 7 elements."
>this brawd clearly doesn't understand sarcasm
>"Hey are you making fun of me?"
"Look no offense kid, I an't here to judge ya, but it just sounds a little funny is all."
>"hmm okay I'll let it slide, so what is your name than?"
>"Where are you from 'Anonymous', I bet they have all kinds of interesting things there."
>"Queens, well we are all decedents of queens, it just I want to know where you come from. You seem lost is all, and I want to help you get home.'
"What part of Queens don't you understand? New York City."
>"I can't say I've ever heard of it."
"What? Its the biggest thing in the US, sense Hollywood legalized ass off the strip."
"Well not me personally but..."
>"ANONYMOUS that's slavery!"
"What's the big deal their just animals."
>"No Anonymous your the animal"
>What's here problem, oh wait shes pastel pony, look maybe things are different here.
"Look I'm sorry, things are different from where I'm from. I don't know much about here. Maybe you can teach me?"
>"Well...I suppose I can't be too mad at you. Okay I'll forgive you."
"Thanks doll face."
>"Hmm where to begin..."
>She went on and on, even after we arrived at her place. Jesus this place is backwards.
>They think some magic horse raises the sun, and some Chinese looking ching chong dragon causes chaos.
>Not going to matter now
>"Well where here!" The purple thing smiled
"Wow that was uhh thorough."
>"Thank you Anon! This is ponyville's only library."
"So that's your job?"
>"Well not exactly."
>Looking over her home, this was the saddest library you've ever seen. There was maybe not more than 200 books max. This was like some third world tenement built into a tree.
"Well it's nice" Its a shit hole.
>"Thank you Anonymous! Can I call you Anon?"
"No...can I use your charger please" This place smells like horse pussy.
>"Okay, just make yourself at home, I'll have spike bring you some tea. SPIKE! WE HAVE A GUEST!"
>"Alright alright I heard you. Oh hi, I can't say I ever seen someone like you before."
"Sup, lil nigga."
>"nigga? Huh, must be another one of twilight's foreign friends. Can I get you something?"
"Uhh sure how about something to drink."
>"Sure hows a wheat shot sound?"
"Do I look like some fruit cake to you?"
>"well, no..."
"And as a follow up, are you her kid or something? I thought he was a horse."
>"Well no, i'm a dragon, spike the dragon, I help her with her day to day activities."
"Like a servant?"
>"No, i'm her assistant."
"Are you paid for this?"
>"Well no, but I can always ask for bits if I need them."
>This bitch, getting on your ass about well ass, and it turns out she has a little Ethiopian boy as a child slave. well a dragon boy.
>This place is backwards. I wanna go home, and get turnt.
"just bring me something."
>"Wheat shot it is!"
>Fucking fruit cakes.
>just than the purple horse entered the room, with a green crystal in orbit of head. Horn glowing just as before.
>"Here's the charger Anon, I assume you need it for some spell right?"
"What the hell is that?! I need a phone charger."
>"What's a phone?"
"This this is a phone!" You say waving your smartphone in her face.
>"Wow, it's so sleek, what does it do?"
"It makes calls, you know, like communication?"
>"OHH it sends messages? Well I can do that for you."
"Alright, listen to me, listen really fucking closely. Where am I, what year is it, who is the most powerful person in the world?"
>worriedly, she replays
>"Anonymous your in ponyville's, the year is 2778, and I'd have to say celestia?"
"Jesus Christ...I don't know where I am." you say, curling into a ball, running your hands in your hair and than pulling.
>"Anonymous... your not from here are you?"
whispering you reply "no..."
>instinctively she moved closer to you. Cuddling up to you
>"It's okay Anonymous, I'll help you."
"I'm scared."
>she wraps her arms around you, and you begin to cry, softly.
>"Shh, it's okay."
>I think that was how it went. Scared, alone, and with no real way of supporting myself. All the money in the world couldn't have gotten me home.
>And out of the kindness of her heart, she came to me. She gave me a home, her home. She found me work. It wasn't what I was used to, but it was everything to me.
>I didn't miss home, because I had her. She was my angel in the darkness. My beacon in a world unknown.
>And I screwed her, I made her hate me. God I wish I could take it back. I only hope I can help her.
>You pass out at last on the floor. it was okay, you had a plan. Maybe she would understand.
>The next morning, you gather up your bits and head into town, it's time for some work.
>For a mare that owns her own farm that apple horse didn't know dick about trading, or nobility for that matter.
>Millionaire, ha, if only it was that easy.
>We didn't either but we had some business sense. We asked for an advance on our contract. One months advance for the matter.
>The griffons, intrigued by this proposal obliged us. Now there was an interesting fact about in our new home that we had reasoned after our three years here in equestria.
>for every five bits given to us, it was equivalent to twenty five good old fashioned American fibers.
>This contract of ours gives us around 10k bits a month. On condition that we deliver certain rare amendments.
>Now lets not live in a fantasy world, this whole little drama with twilight costed us.
>We had already spent around five hundred bits on the movers, not to mention five thousand on the new home, but this is investment.
>Now we need someone to do these caravanner trips for us. Some one to transport the goods. Make the pike up, and head back.
>But this was some hot merch. Celestia the stupid bitch had no idea how bad where fucking her on this deal. But there's more on that later.
>And here we stand now, in the back alley near the market.
>The back alleys where like that of home, they where not empty that's for sure, but instead of asphalt or concrete they where more dirt and unkeeped weeds smashed between buildings. The whole thing can give you a labyrinth vibe if not for the fact that there was no ceiling.
>There was trash on some of the corners same as home, and gutters from the buildings leaking into the back.
>There also where no torches in these area ither so at night, this place can be nothing but a smelly dark corridor
>She's usually around here somewhere. You where sure of it.
>and there it was. A shabby looking make shift hut made of scrap wood. Propped up against one of the walls.
>"ye~yes, whose there?" a whimpering stuttering voice called out.
>This was her.
"Its alright sweety, its just me.
>"Anon, oh~I'm s-so glad to sa see you again."
>Enter in, or rather out a carrot maned and carrot coated, brace faced pony with dirty hair. A stuttering hot mess, whose been down on her luck sense she was a filly.
>This was Venus spring.
"How would you like to work for me Venus?"'
And that's about all I have on that department. I feel like it's lacking though, it needs more conflict, it's kind of just turning into a series of flash back narratives.
Naturally only being a bear with a keyboard, it's hard to know where to go next.


lumps are sums
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so...is that a yes or a no?
Might be cool.
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is it shitty? Does it not make sense?
Cindy, dear...

It is shitty, and I don't mean that in a rude way, but as a way to describe it. You switch from second to third view with Anon, the story itself was over the top and wasn't funny.

The writing had a lot of clunky parts-- honestly there's too much wrong with this to the point it exceeds my grasp of understanding.
All I honestly want for you, is for someone to point out everything that went wrong in this so you'll know exactly what to improve on.
Good, I hated it.

I just wanted to see if anyone would comment. I've given up on this story years ago.
I could be the girl to actually give you a critique. You mind holding up until Sunday/Saturday?
Give me other alternatives to starting a sentence with "Surprisingly".

All I can think of is Gradually and Immediately
Suddenly, abruptly, quickly...

There are quite a few more, and you can always rephrase the sentence in such a way that multiple words could have the same effect.
Shockingly. Inexorably. Unbeknownst to whomever. "oh fuck!"
Without notice, incidentally, coincidentally, frighteningly...
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