Write what's on your mind.

I looked at pictures of my mom when she was younger and she looked a lot like my current day crush.

God is eternal because He is good.
How is that? Because good beings can live in harmony together, whereas evil beings keep destroying each other because they keep fucking each other over.

>>9918433
But God is only one.
Who or what is he in harmony with? Who is there to skirmish with? The dimension of God is accessible only to God himself, He has no equals.

Oh life, oh life
Long I've suckled on your ugly nip
Blooming trees in bursting heat
Require such a lowly feat
Tomato, nectar, marionette
Require mouths less adequate
To see a sun for its shine
Not behind; a blackish grime

Oh life, oh life
Wet drip comfort in darkish morn
Sight the thorn and fear is born
A sage who says he sees a husk
To birth our low and grey disgust
Of stylish trends and hollow goals
And make us all, the greater fools

Hispanic general is back. I agree with those who have said it should just be deleted on site.

>>9918441
>Who or what is he in harmony with?

Good people. Good angels. God is not alone in the universe.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIII

>>9918461
Good people and angels are still his subordinates, aren't they? How can one quarrel with their superior? He isn't so much in harmony with anything, but withdrawn from everything.

>>9918473
So now he isn't alone. Moving the goalposts much? I don't blame you.

>>9918481
He is still alone as far as He is the only being in the category of God. This is what I meant from the start.

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the benedict option is looking more and more valid as time goes on

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>>9918496
Eggs Benedict? Yes please.

>>9918492
Okay then
>How can one quarrel with their superior?
See Satan

What would Hegel think of Mayweather-McGregor?

I need to cook dinner and I hope my girlfriend isn't sick

>>9918407
Should I shit or hold it in a while longer?

This is the year of my humility. The powers that be decided my thirtieth year was to be spent eating crow. It didn't start so horribly; got a nice raise, got engaged, sunshine and rainbows right? Ha!
Karma caught up with me. I'm not sure what of the myriad of crap I've done managed to bunch up her panties but when she started the shit show I was made well aware the severity of my mystery trespass. Or was it a karmic snowball of events, finally catching up to me?

>>9918529
Freud Mayweather

>>9918581
hold it a while longer or else you might have to shit again later tonight

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>>9918407
I've started to realize that by playing vidya a shitload, I became the modern day equivalent of the plebeian gladiator games spectator.

I am not an individual yet I am already 25. I'm just wasting my time, filled with insecurities. I'm gonna continue to read now.

>>9918454
Is this a Neutral Milk Hotel song?

Thinking about hermitting innawoods and starving myself to death. I wonder how it would feel.

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>>9918454
This is easily the worst poety ive read in awhile and ive been reading American postmodernism lately so that is saying something, great job!

>>9919343
That took over 50 hours of work, asshole!

>>9919026
t. 14 year old

>>9919347
50 hours of work, asshole
Or smiffy dours of turks, my role...
What doth life?
When fucking yourself with a knife?
In a hole, my bloody asshole.

>>9918407

I've been trying to find a book but can't and only two pieces of information I have in relation to it are 'Amourelie and The She Wolf' it's driving me insane.

>>9919678
Post a thread about it? People on here are usually good at hunting down or remembering even more obscure titles.

I'm mentally exhausted and I haven't read a single page in a week.

>>9919695
Trying to finish a paper and feeling the exact same. Looking for some motivation and considering just working all night into the morning just so I can have the damn thing done. I've read a few chapters of various things here and there though this week.

We are all god.

>>9919732
Care to elaborate? A lot of people have said stuff like this and I just can't be sold on the idea

This is the writing thread. Learn to check the entire board before making threads. Stupid to make a duplicate thread because all it does it delete a more worthy thread from the board.

Girlfriend broke up with me, and I find myself pitying her. No hate, no regret. Just a recognition that she made a mistake and it will probably not work out that well for her. And I feel bad about that, but then again, I can't do anything about it.

What's that mean?

>>9920031
Why pity her?

>>9920071
You tell me.

>>9920031
It probably means you're a self-important prick

>>9920100
You don't think very highly of her, or you think highly of yourself?

I was surprised when I realized it fully, though I definitely had some grasp of the fact, that my parents are not perfect people. Maybe its not that i didn't know, but that I had no real experience with their imperfections. I mean this outside of the small tiny things that happen with frustration, weariness, or other things, but a sort of major showing of a personal flaw. Despite the fact that my mother was slightly drunk at the time I could only feel as if some of the things she said to her target were really things she believed somewhere inside of her. I guess it was the first time I really saw a personal insecurity guide my Mother so heavily. I have been questioning on how it changes my perception of my Mother, and my relationship with her, but I have not come to any kind of conclusion. I am shocked that it took me 22 years of life to realize something that seems to be so basic about being human.

Jesus fuck why did I consciously binge eat 30,000 calories over 4 days???

Falling in love with every guy that I see on the street of this city

>>9920118
>You don't think very highly of her, or you think highly of yourself?
Yea that sounds right.

>>9920031
That's very immature

>>9920162
What would be the right response?

>>9920183
How you are pyting her?

>>9920194
Should I be pitying myself?

>>9920204
Maybe, what happened? In a nutshell

>>9918433
This is retarded as fuck, God is eternal because he is stronger than everyone else, if everyone including God were violent then he would still be eternal since he can simply overpower everyone else.

>>9920209
I got comfy, she got bored.

>>9920222
Good six-word story

what did husserl say to his girlfriend when he got tired of her licking his balls?

Back to the thing itself!

>>9918407

The plain truth of the matter is, you guys are an embarrassment to yourselves, I'm ruthlessly destroying your image and repute, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. You won't even try to bring me to the table. No peace, eh? How nice it must feel to get relentlessly crushed every day and still be indignant enough to keep a tap on my phone, a gps on my vehicle, and invade pretty much every semblance of a human right I have. Fuck you. Eat shit. I'm done trying to be reconciliatory, I will drive you into the ground. All I have to do is sit around, persevere, and wait. This is for everyone who has to deal with your bullshit. This is for those who don't have the power to fight it.

>>9920222
so simple but that really hurt to read
whats her sun sign and her venus

I almost died in a car crash last night because someone changed lanes without seeing me. Car was on two wheels about to flip and somehow it didn't. I came out without a scratch and now I'm thinking I have a guardian angel or that I have something I need to do before I go. That or it was all luck who really knows?

>its another empty threat

color me surprised laddie hua

She went to rehab.
She said she was happy, she promised she was clean.
I opened her vanity drawer and saw a sharp gleam.
I sighed and sat down.
No shock, no reaction--not even a frown.

I hate poetry.

She cheated on me. It wasn't her fault, though. I wasn't giving her enough attention.
Her hair was brittle from all those years of bleach and dyes.
Gaping holes, three times the size of her grease-filled pores, polluted her face. The sides of her nose, above her left eyebrow, above the right side of her upper lip.

She liked throwing things. When she was excited, she would sling her hands around, back and forth, throughout the air. When she was sad, she would toss pebbles across the small creek on the side of the road near the bus stop. When she was mad, she would shatter wineglasses against the granite countertop.

>>9920126
I was always jealous of people that were fond of their parents. Of course your parents aren't perfect. They're just like you, like me. Human.
Some parents are evil, some are boring, some are detached, some are cool. Just like humans. Parenthood doesn't automatically change anything except, well, now someone has a kid. It's up to them if they change in any way. All parents are still just like anyone else.

My mother got drunk a lot. My father got drunk even more. It's really strange to hear about people who become disillusioned with their parents. There was nothing for me to ever be disillusioned by. I knew the full potential of their disgusting souls as soon as I was sentient.
It depends on one's parents, I suppose. If your parents show no 'badness' outside of disagreeing with you and taking your GameBoy away, you have no real reason to ever think of them in a painfully human way. You have no reason to think of them black-out drunk, you have no reason to think of them cheating on one another, you have no reason to think of them committing crimes.

Your mother is the same person she's always been. Witnessing her drinking has changed nothing, at all. Just keep this in mind. She was already drinking, you just know about it now and are being forced to think about other less-than-perfect traits she may have.

Step one, high school. Step two, college. Step three, more college. Step four, job. Step five, "settle down." Step six. Step six. Step six.
Sustain. Continue. Allow your week to repeat endlessly. Work to make money so you don't starve.
Life is beautiful, isn't it?

>>9920393

Mother's malicious malignment only served her own selfish vindictive purposes, a plan laid out over years, and she played her disgusting role and did it well. She knew the risks, she just never knew she'd get caught; I have no pity for the woman, she will suffer me now. Suffer. That is what you've created, mass suffering, woman. You thought you could have it all, get away with it all, and still be laughing at the end of it? With such hubris you arranged for me to have a handle, a decision many regret now. Regret. Regret. I am not the only one. Suffer me now.

>>9920400
Work in "Crawling in my skin" in that, and I think it's 10/10

>>9920413

I'll work it in over 30,000 times. No worries.

>>9920414
When I smoke outside the library sometime, I hear kids talking, and they're always trying to one up eachother in the whose life is harder game. What you wrote reminded me of that.

I'm not saying you don't have material to work with. Just that the way you expose it makes you sound like one of them, like you're trying to score tragic points.

politics is the last vestige of those afraid of sex and intimacy. the two sides yell death threats at each other from across the room with the same "will they wont they" spirit of a middle school dance. there is no fucking in politics. and yet all of life is fucking.

>>9920421
ya no kidding

>>9920393
It wasn't really the drinking that I was concerned with or shocked by. At this incident she wasn't extremely drunk, just enough to seemingly loosen her tongue, and throughout my life she has always been the type of have a glass or two of wine with dinner or late at night.. I think it was mostly how acerbic and mean spirited she got in the moment. I don't think by far that my mother is a bad woman, she's been a great parent, in my opinion, and a nice person all around.

>>9920419

You act as if I want this suffering. Believe me, I don't. I'm not looking for pity or sympathy, people who have wronged me will get none from me. They beg, they beg, they beg! Please, please stop! This is your family! You're causing us pain! Endless appeals, and I stamp them all "No". That ship has sailed, it is in vain to extenuate the matter, there is only one way this ends. You relent, or I continue. You think I can't continue? Oh, I'll find a way.

You thought you'd won 3 months in. You thought you'd get rid of me 6 months in. You still entertained the thought I might cave 12 months in. Now, 18 months in, its clear for you to see. There's only one way this ends.

>>9920421
Sounds like your life revolves around sex, or its lack, and you're projecting out towards the whole world, but what makes what you wrote insufferable is the garb in which you've dressed up and presented this simpleton's brainfart.

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>You can't just openly defy your country's corrupt government as a civilian that they have a bead on but won't (and can't) act to remove!

>>9920431
Dude. Read what you wrote. The kind of language you're using is appropriate only for a Genghis Khan in the process of skinning his enemies alive.

>people who have wronged me will get none from me!
>they beg, bleg. blergh!
>That ship has sailed!!

You're talking about your loved ones being jerks and how you've become poisoned by them, and are now probably just as bad as them. Use language appropriate for the situation.

>>9920434
literature is about presentation first and foremost - theres nothing deeper

>>9920443

>loved ones

That's a good one. Maybe they should have thought of that before deciding I'd be a good head to step on. Does it cause me pain? Absolutely, I take no joy in it. Will I stop? Hell no, not until you make a deal. Or, the alternative, which is much worse. Look guy, I've been trying to settle this family matters bullshit for a long time, and I've given them a fair offer. More than fair, more than fair. They might as well be "skinning" themselves, seeing as they have their finger on the "make it stop" button, and they're free to push it, whenever they want.

>>9920455
You're a massive Norman Bates type faggot.

>>9920471

>Does it cause me pain? Absolutely, I take no joy in it.

>Look guy, I've been trying to settle this family matters bullshit for a long time, and I've given them a fair offer.

>seeing as they have their finger on the "make it stop" button, and they're free to push it, whenever they want.

Whatever you say man.

People on this site need to learn how fucking threads work.

Anger. Nuggets guy is dumb.

Does everyone have the right to employment? Where is the line drawn?

>>9920808
No.

Wish there was a way for mods to merge threads. If not they could at least make an effort to prune duplicate ones.

I never realized there was a part of me that wanted to fail. I've never failed. Problems fill my mind every day I spend inside this room, they only go to sleep when my eyes can't focus and the screen gets blurry. I've never had any real problems; I must confess I've been in a safe environment since childhood. Without problems to solve, I didn't develop strength. Never been attached, always pushing off the few friends I have; I hope they don't mind. I'll say it again: I don't have the strength to do it. There is nothing nor no one for me to cling to.
I guess this is the reason I did it. Failure. It wasn't hard at all, you just need a sharp edge and a couple of pills. Of course, the music helped a lot; funny thing, he is asleep now. It felt warm, fuzzy, it wrapped around me until it didn't feel anymore. Like going back to the womb that once held you prisoner, held you safe, perfect.
I never realized there was a part of me that needed to commit...

>>9920904
Deep.

All these lives I touched... The laughs, the stories, two severed fingers, a handful meaningful experiences, arguments... I leave the peace of my house, eager to bathe in the sun, to bathe in the lust of the maidens and the sluts alike, to face the looks of young men who in another era would be the country's greatest hope... I shower in - what? Is it their envy, or admiration? Is there a difference, when I am their enmity? I see all these lives I've touched and I recognise a part of myself in all of them. Do I despite them because I hate myself, or because they failed to be more, to be more like me? I whisper in their ears, gently brush their cheeks, before walking all the way home, to find that she wasn't here. All the lives I touched, and I'm still all alone.

I think I got over you, I'm thinking on dating someone I just met.

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I like to think that being a brainlet isn't so bad desu. I've never taken a formal IQ test but I'm positive that my IQ must be below 100. Being inherently inadequate and unfortunate mitigates my pain and shame whenever I happen to perform poorly or lose at something since I'm simply fulfilling my role as a failure by failing. Whenever I somehow come out on top despite my piteous mediocrity, however, I feel as if I'm rebelling against a higher power. Even if only for a moment, surpassing someone who is far stronger, smarter, faster, luckier, wealthier, lovelier, and more industrious feels really fucking cathartic.

>>9922065
Still here man

I feel ashamed of myself but curiosity was killing me, thinking I won't see him ever again and yet here you're talking to me saying you miss me and that you wish I could stay longer. I feel awful because I enjoy it and I shouldn't but why can't I allow myself to feel some sensations that are pleasureble? Doing it as I ever wanted to makes me feel so bad about myself.

Now that I'm through with uni, I'm legitimately considering being a male escort, or signing up for one of those sugar daddy sites, since they have options for men looking for older women. Just to pass the time and make some money, until my job starts.

>>9922142
get yerself tested for ADHD and start throwing back addys
Whether or not ur actually ADHD (I am with flying colors) in most populated areas you can find Gidget-from-the-muppet type psychiatrists who will throw you 30mg a day at the slightest suggestion you "need" medication. I sell the stuff I don't use because I only use it enough to socialize and get work done

>>9922464
Because you shouldn't be focusing on carnal desires and prioritizing them.
Love comes first.
Don't be a vapid, air-headed floozy. Or, go ahead. It's not really my issue. Act as you wish.
No amount of instant genital pleasure or adrenaline rush from a kiss could ever amount to the feeling of love. Anyway, you shouldn't really feel those things from someone you don't love in the first place.

Why doesn't everyone do ketamine? Well, I know everyone in New York art schools do it, but what about everyone else?

>>9922505
I wouldn't know where to get it

>>9922464
of course you're going to feel bad if you let go of yourself and give in to "sensations that are pleasureble [sic]" like that
fucking duh
you should lmfao
anyone who wouldn't feel bad is probably a sociopath tbqh

>>9922511
I don't either. I'm lying, I actually do. The internet. But that's obvious. I just don't want to go through the effort of downloading Tor and a VPN and getting ketamine shipped somewhere nearby.

I guess I'll just stick to the whipped cream cans and percs.

>>9922498
why do you care

>>9922522
I only care as much as she does.
If she has an issue with her own behavior, she should stop. If she wants to continue her current path, by all means, she should. It doesn't affect me either way.

>>9922498
>Anyway, you shouldn't really feel those things from someone you don't love in the first place.

Have you ever had sex with someone you love?

>>9922545
Yes. It's beautiful.

>>9922579
How old are you? And how can you be so sure you love that person?

i have the worst imposter syndrome, i'm not that good at anything, if i try hard maybe get above mediocre, but a lot of times i meet people with better degrees and jobs than me and i know more than them, so i can't be that retarded idk i just can't free my mind from my working class background, maybe the caste system isn't so crazy, i mean it's oppressive n shit, but it's still true that whatever level you are born into is where you expectations through life are going to be anchored...

I'm excited because later tonight I'm going to go on /tv/ and post a bunch of .webm's to make them feel lonely. It's pretty fun.

>>9923322
people who watch tv get tons of pussy tho, it's literally the most normie thing a person can do

>>9923330
Yeah, but there's a lot of difference between people who watch tv and /tv/

>>9922990
Copy the Qun from Dragon Age and become a new religious prophet.
>Lots of people wanting stability and order.
The appeal of real fascism is in everyone.

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Does everything really happen for a reason?

I know it's been so long since we saw each other last
I'm sure we'll find some way to make the time pass

i think im dumb
i think im dumb
i think im dumb
i think im dumb
i think im dumb

I'm addicted to alcohol and it's putting a stop on my life. I graduated with honors but I've been working as a janitor for 5 years. Every day I wake up and feel like I'm dying. My hands shake. I have become markedly dumber. I can't even write, I misspell words all the time. My writing is all short declarative sentences now because my brain is porridge. When I read things I wrote I want to vomit.

But drunkenness is transcendent. When I hit the proper point of drunkenness I can stare at a wall. I feel like a plant. I could die and it wouldn't bother me. In those moments I am immortal. Nothing in my sober life compares. Not that I have much of a sober life at this point. I quit for an entire month a year ago and I almost died of boredom.

A year or two ago there was a "what is your favorite place to read in" thread and someone wrote a post of how they like to read in some kind of prairie outdoors but they were concerned about ticks giving them some kind of brain disorder and their formatting and thoughts made less and less sense as they went on and I still smile a little when I think about it.

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>>9918407

No one envies my position. No one wants to have to come after their own family, and come after them hard. Never wanted to hurt anyone. Still don't. Can't back down. Won't back down. Stupid shit I did in the past does not warrant a death sentence. It doesn't warrant torture. The only difference is there's only one of me. Its 1989 all over again.

I have a strange not-quite-relationship going with a girl who's built like a fertility goddess. I have a fat fetish, but even if I didn't I think I would be titillated. There's something about a pair of big breasts on top of a big belly, something sublime.

I have nothing important to say or give to the world. And this post does not disprove the theory.

>>9922142
IQ tests are ambiguous.
I've had myself tested by a proper psychologist and scored 99 at age 18...
Later on, I came around the idea again, felt smarter.
Scored 130...
I felt more concentrated, and looking back. At 18, I was a sleep-deprived, neurotic shipwreck.
My point is... maybe you're not stupid per se, maybe it's your lifestyle.

Im living the best Puritan life I can.

I want to marry this v nice girl. ain't the prettiest but my mama reckon's it will do me good.

I never knew hard work until today

I really need to start working on that essay. I have roughly two days to finish it, and I haven't even started.
I'm having a hard time coming up with an introduction, whereas I think I could rock the main body once I get into it. I'm looking forward to it being over soon and being able to focus on the nice things in life again.

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>>9923995
read this for a less propagandistic look at tianenmen square which was completely overrated by the anti-communist media, wikileaks already exposed the fact that the civilian deathcount was massively overrated in the western media, moreover the protestors killed chinese police, can you imagine if some protestors in charlottesville killed a dozen cops? tanks would roll

>>9922142
nice filename

I've written 8 books and self-published 7, the 8th one is on the way to self-publishment. Why haven't you self-published a book yet? Why not?

>>9926611
Because I haven't written anything, of course

>>9927104
Fair answer, now go write somethin'!

>>9920135
You sound like my cunty ex. Used that as an excuse to cheat on me

>>9922464
You sound retarded. Is english your first language? Go back to france where you belong, filthy eurotrash

>>9923909
You should hire someone to hit you every time you drink. But seriously, stop, or those 5 years will turn into 20

What have I become?
What is that I have done?
What can I possibly do?

I can't get interested in getting laid, when i see that kid with his lonely beta posting bullshit it reminds me of what being horny used to be like, now when i see hot chicks i just don't care, i mean still wack it regularly enough, but the thought of chatting up some chick or calling somebody just seems like a chore

>>9926611
It only counts if someone else approves of it

i'm both attractive and punctual at appointments. Take yesterday for example when i had a scheduled appointment at a car seller and i was at home still masturbating to Thom yorke porn when my alarm ringed and it woke to me and said: Boy get ut up now it's time for your SCHEDULED appointment and immediately my penis deflated to it's miserable 6 flaccid inches and i decided to put on my underpants but i wan't able to prematurely decide which underpants to wear so i opened my drawer and there laid 20 different pairs, there were 2 of each material but those had then different colors. I reflected on the imperfection of my collection for i couldn't even truly vary in color regardingg materials, what if i wanted olive-green silk tight whiteys or deep ocean blue cotton boxers? I felt a tinge of despair just about the moment i realized that but my studies of philosophy had taught me realism and so i discarded speculations on further optimizations of my underpants-collection and randomly grabbed a pair of pissyellow boxer briefs but as they touched my pubic hair and the smooth material caressed my ass cheeks i felt that something was off - No today was definitely not the day for pissyellow cotton boxer briefs i stripped naked again, quickly looking at my deflated and tiny manhood in the mirror, thinking about how could any guy ever want a guy who at his hardest only reached 9 inches in length and for 2 minutes i sobbed against my normally above-average strong will's will but then i regained composure and shouted into air: Richard GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER and i wiped away the tears, only crying a little more and then stopping that. A cheeky anime smile formedmy face as i realized that i had won against Abyss and now had the newly found determination to be ready for my appointment before it was way too late. But wasn't it already way too late? Hadn't it always been way too late? I looked at the piss yellow cotton boxer briefs and picked them up. I sniffed them and then stuffed my mouth with them while a translucent salty tear ran down my cheeks and then sparked for a moment in the camera as to signify the intensity of my sadness. I crawled down on the floor and laid down there for just a second, i told myself. Just a single second. I can still make it. I can still get there in time but i didn't dare to look at the clock. I didn't dare to open my eyes anymore but i felt wetness running down my cheeks. I tried to smile and it worked. I'm not sad i said. I'm not really sad. It's just the whiff of my manhood that makes my eyes tears i justified to the big other. I'm a manly man.. i said but there was more wetness and without realizing it i had been hitting myself on the head with my fists. If i wasn't sad atlas one could say i felt terribly incapable of existing at this moment. I realized that i needed to make a very important decision regarding my underpants but just thinking about th many choices and that i HAD to make a choice was too much to think about it.

Uh hello i said to my neighbor and he said uh hello but then out of nowhere i asked whats your name and he said richard and i was biting my nails which had been long overdue until they were in perfect shape and richard was watching with his eyes being watery and he said good job man, i like your biting skills without irony i think and i felt so happy i ran into my apartment and umped into my bed and made squeaking voices and my soul was ready to fly i felt soapy that richard liked me and i threw myself around wildly in my bed. I didn't feel guilty about richard liking me i was so happy i ate my pillows and rolled around while laughing uncontrollably and squeaking happily and for a couple of moments i turned into a yellow bird and chirped and chirped and sang birds songs of joy and did wheelies with my motorcycle in my head and i was so exhausted that i cried from joy and then fell asleep and then richard walked up to Lonelyboy, he had watched all of what had occurred and being deeply moved in his frail heart he walked silently up to lonelyboy and kissed him on his head with tender carefulness and then left without turning back. He left foreverial and lonelyboy woke up 20 days later. In his dreams he saw a man white white skin and no hair anywhere this man wore the suit of a doctor and was in a fast and expensive car from the former holy roman empire of the german nation. The brand name spelled B M W and the car was racing at 200kmh per hours and the world outside was a dark blur, the moon was lightning racing side by side with B M W car and the deers were shadows in the distance their eyes just bubbles in water as the man with a doctor suit accelerated the car further and further in pursuit of danger and on the edge of NO CONTROL as DeLoli would put it. Who was he hunting? Who? A dark shadow was creeping across this country and the doc was hunting it. The shadow had many names but the common people called it the dark eye. A spherical entity resembling somewhat his an eye with dark fire burning inside. The dark eye was driving a range rover and while not being really unskilled all that it could do was pushing the gas heavily, he was a bull and nothing more at racing so the dude in the doctors coat utilized geometrical calculations as to come out of narrow or long curves with higher top speed and thus beat the dark eye at his own game and when that happened, the race was taking 3 years already and both combatants had eaten nothing but french fries except for the dark eye who ate souls it extracted from the villages it drove through and lonelyboy woke up and said: Damn dude, this dream was boogie, i can't wait until i tell Richard about this and he ran into his shower and activated the rain as to cleanse himself from the body oils that had accumulated on his skin over the last few weeks and he shampooed his hair thoroughly and today used some quality shower gel as to smell nicely for the sake of his friend and not only did he brush his teeth with i

Autismoboy gurgled water with salt in it and sat down on the floor. He stayed there for a long time. He was thinking about something with monsters fighting against humans and how he would kill the monsters with weapons but once he would be hit and be on the ground and exhausted and accepting fate and looking his beloved friends in the eyes as he would die soon and a tear rolling down his cheek in real life and not his fantasy for he couldn't save his friends but then one of his friends who now turned into autismoboy ran forward screaming with a long sword and massacred the super strong monsters driven by the rage of seeing his friend close to death and the strength of friendship and there was a red glow emanating around him which signified the superhuman strength which the emotional bond instilled in him and autismoboy fought in the bath room for 20 minutes screaming loudly until he was so exhausted he laid down on the floor and now he imagined himself lying in long green grass, he had never actually seen real grass by the way, under a tree and there were wonderful dragons flying beneath the sun but they were happy and docile because there was peacece and they fed and cared for their babies and sometimes autismoboy would fly up the to the dragon family and the dragons would introduce him as a hero who had saved everyone and the little dragons would be super excited and in awe at meeting the great autismoboy who was so strong that, after having almost been defeated once, was now the strongest oF Them All. And he opened up a training school then and taught all the young kids how to fight against the evil monsters. Autismboy would do this in the Garden Shed Garden Shed Garden Shed Garden Shed of his parents and there he would then stand as the sensei and improve the fighting skills of the dragons and other kids and everyone was amazed but y the power of contenctration, focus, precision, strength and passion that their teacher used for his special attacks, and there was a boy who was superbly talented. His parents died when he was young and everybody mobbed him terribly until he ran away from school but he had now arrived by lucky fate at the academy and immediately the sensei sensed incredible potential in the young boy and undertook training with him. Against all that could have been expected the normally skinny and weak boy who had been mobbed all his life was actually very disciplined and admirable worker. he was doing his utmost to perfect his skills and with the help of his sensei who adopted him and was a really great dad and took him out to hunting or camping and also bathing and made jokes and he was looking up to him he gave hims super training so that autismoboy could learn incredibly strong, army-destroying strong super attacks which nobody else had ever learned at his age and now instead of being the weird loser who nobody liked everyone treated him with respect and he courted a wonderful girl who was very shy and loved autismoboy. Auti

>>9920135
Can you define love for me. Don't complicate it. Just the first thing that comes to mind.

>>9927457
I want this as well.
Regardless of her (presumably it's a 'her' or a gay man) definition, both you and I know it's not love. Empty-headed lust and infatuation.

>>9927457
when u see a dude on the street of a major world city it's easy to fall in love because you can believe he is the heir to a industrial dynasty or something and that he didn't just blow all of his Whole Foods paycheck on those Armani skinnies.

"there's some dude there playing the trumpet or something. What did he mean by this?" janey-A asked her sister and she was like well i don't care if he plays the TRUMPet excuse me but my boyfriend cheated on me. My boyfriend. We've been together for 4 years what the heck do i care about this guy with his very long and thick trumpet? He damn well knows how to play it, i can admit that but how does it relate back to me? How does this relate to my boyfriend cheating on me? My boyfriend can't play any instruments. I can't play any instruments. I only listen to chart music because other music makes me aggressive and i like music that is familiar and easy on my ears. I don't read. I don't watchfilms. I don't like sounds which i don't know. I don't think. But my boyfriend cheated on me. W've met 4 years ago, did you know that? It took us 3 years to come together. In the first year we never talked. We eyed each other a couple of times but it was more the: I'm observing people around me, trying to read their faces, trying to read their existence kind of starring that we caught each other doing and quickly with feelings of guilt looked away. And on the second year we started having conversations about God and his World and i realized he was very good in talking about politics. He knew a lot of stuff about Barrack Obama and about republicans being wrong so that felt very good. I felt like he was open to my own thoughts but still iw as learning form him a lot. Did you for example know that Donald Trump is like Hitler? He's very poetical when he makes connections like that and i'm wow: That's true, Trump really is a lot like Hitler and i would feel warm and fuzzy and he stood like a proud chicken. But on the third year things grew really intimate. I caught him humping his pillows at home and he confessed to me that he was Virginia and i said wow you fucking loser and we both smiled and i gave him the middle finger and said eat on this pcuckboy and made him suck on it and then i put my feet in his face but he said: I really don't want this and grew irritated and left his flat and i stood there feeling awkward kind of and he was like: Get out of my flat man, this was so strange and i started crying and tearing my hair out and started screaming and asking if i had hurt him and that i was so sorry but he stood there with a cold face, he was disgusted i think and he said: You are pathetic. You piece of shit. You manipulative piece of shit. And that night we became a couple and it was so good. I would sometimes smash his face big time with my feet and in return he would hate me and insult me and occasionally rape me violently, hurting my body terribly and making me bleed on occasions that i had to go to the hospital and always when i kicked him he wasn't allowed to see it coming it wasn't role-play, it was real and so good. And if you doubt that he loved me he always came back to me, he always visited me in hospital and brought me flowers while telling me what pie

She, uh, hunched over in pain and I tilted my head. I, um, wasn't really sure if she was okay.
Did I really do that? I didn't know I was capable.
Instead of feeling regret I was just impressed with myself.

>>9918407
>>9918407
I wish I could write as a think, but as I think what I write in my head loses form, what you read and see now is just a excerpt, traces and missed forms that don't belong one besides the other, I wish I could be pretty as you but I never mastered such skill, my insecurity made me collect a bunch of irregular shapes in my sack instead of only blocks that I could use to build something worth for myself in the future

>>9927512
What can I do with all these forms? Useless pieces of nothing that forms a weight that I can't toss away to relieve my charge, and even while some are beautiful and deserve admiration, they lack of meaning if are not part of a "whole".

You know what? I hope Trump actually takes total control of the country and becomes a monarch. I think I'm sick of democracy. I think I'm tired of the average American having a say in how this country is run. Trump isn't much better, to be fair, but the ruler who replaces him may be. And I'll honestly take my chances on that process than with any more American democracy.

>>9927522
I can look at them all day or ignore them for years, but they never go away. They lost their meaning, what was once beautiful on the eyes of masses now is only appreciated by an individual, which can be one or other depending of who you ask, and why would you ask anyway? Other loss all meaning at all, these are the heaviest of all. Precious diamonds turned into burden stones just by the pass of time. Stones that can't even be launched by catapults or be used as anchors on a boats, can something so horrid exist and not be punished? Or is our punishment to carry them for create something this useless?

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My drinking is making progress in killing me and I'm so glad.

Just hope I get to read all of Fallada's work because I kick the bucket.

>>9927615
I mean *before

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>>9918407
I got a warning today for a post I definitely didn't make on a board I definitely don't browse. What did 4chan mean by this?

>>9927652
go to iknowwhatyoudownload.com
it's called dynamic IPs

>>9927652
That's funny. The other day I got a perma ban for a post I made in April 2015.

How does that even work?

>>9927220
Elaborate, and explain. I've gotten quite a few reviews always, most of them positive, and have readers who will buy the book on the day of release, have been waiting to do so since my last book. That's about all the approval I need to find great contentment and happiness in my writing.

i am scared of talking to people i want to talk to for no reason other than my emotional stupidity/instability this happens after being friends with someone for more than a few months and i can think of right now is how today my stomach feels like shit

Markovian Parallax Denigrate

Grinning Parasite and the host,
clasp the Glass, command a toast.
While the multiverse dangles Our string...
joyous mutilations continue the Spring.

Bounded; so we head for the Coast,
In full pursuit of John Titor's ghost.
Mere fiber-optic ruminations and worse,
Salient failures, but still hunters for the Source.

And so the Fighting endures for the crumbs,
Ballparks, oligarchs, brownstones and slums.
Open spaces blanketed by spectacle & infanticide -
crafted by the Hand, quantitated & calcified.

When the time is nigh to ride & cannot wait,
And barbarians are lining up at the gate.
Just remember we're going full throttle,
on the Everett-Wheeler Model.

what happened to that one thread that didn't suck? it got deleted? oh ok

>>9927615
Are you fat? If not go outside and seek the joy of life

My dreams are becoming the same as reality, and everything is getting more hazy and amorphous. People around me seem like a specter, and their eyes are hostile. Everything is falling and I need to get out.

>>9927936
Get out to where? Some shittier reality? There is only suffering.

How long are you going to stay on my mind? Every time I'm feeling happy I wish you could be next to me enjoying it with me. When I'm feeling sad not that much and that is because it's tiring for someone else to be in these situations. I really do not want to get over you.

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>>9927325
>>9927385
>>9927430
>>9927483

I'm editing my first novel and it sucks. I can't wait to send it off to a proofreader and have them handle the work for once.

>>9928212
What's your novel about

each day i die a little more

I think I'm sad, /lit/.

>just realized my last ever summer break ends tonight
I didn't ask for this feel.
It's been a solid 21 summers though

>>9923603
yes, for Reason makes everything happen

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How much control do we really have over our own lives

I recorded a 2 1/2 hour podcast with a friend from rehab yesterday. It was a wondrous mess, very scattered, but sprinkled with bits of C17. Too much cubic zirconium flying through the airwaves. "Some people is just fake ass niggas, and being fake ass niggas is keeping it real for them," rings true.

I used to be double-dog-gone-dirty-dancelessly depressed. Now, I don't have time for it. (Howdy Maslow.) The opening to Kid A sung by three little birds sitting on the windows to my spongemeat sounds and resounds. I've simply decided to be happy and confident. If you're reading this and are currently struggling with something, just remember that your agency allows you to choose much more about how you feel and what you do than you're probably convincing yourself right now. Even if illusory, the reins rest in your hands.

Take today: I ate a taco registering in a 7.1 million on the Scoville Scale. It burning like volcanic sludge (no, not lava or magma, but sludge) and yet once I erased any expectation of comfort and embraced the pain, twasn't a thang. People in the restaurant stared, and I loved it.

An audience is calling to me. I can hear them from the green room. Obscurity will soon become obscure to me. I don't know for what yet, but I do know one day I'll be known. It simply feels right. People like me more than I can manage, they like to hear me talk—no, not you—and the spotlight grips me like a japanese tempura chef grips a live sea eel before slaughter: that is to say, naturally.

Kiss the sky goodbye and wink to heaven a soliloquy in merciful morse: it's time to leave this superjail and come home.

I could also be delusional.

>>9928344
as much as you want to believe you have

>>9928291
Hey me too, shit sucks but not enough to complain

I've decided that divinity has graced me with the frequency of genius for no one thinks like me, even egotistically. Everyone has a moment of genius throughout their life, even if only once. How many times have you heard after willy-nillily casting out a passing thought as potential solution to a menial problem—such as how do we fix the coffee machine in the office—"anon, you're a genius!" I believe, and how beneficial doubt can be, that everyone is granted at least one such moment of illumined insight. Some people maintain this conduit of connection all their lives, some hold it for so long and tight that the circuitous wires in their high-voltage minds give way to corrosion or short-circuiting and they're rendered broken or insane (think von Neumann, Nietzsche, Joyce). The half-life of genius proportions directly to its radioactivity, that inscrutable effusion of unpredictable guile and creation. And we mustn't forget that brilliance needn't necessarily shed its incandescence in the form of purely intellectual light—the lightfoot of kinesthetic, aesthetic, and even interpersonal excellence often finds recognition and merit. The only requisites, as far as my imperfect vision allows me to see, are thus (hehe): originality and superlativeness, and inherent originality isn't by nature inherently and retroactively insurmountable. You cannot reinvent the wheel, quite literally.

The wisest dullard enjoys the fruits of genius far frequenter than the highest IQ /sci/entistic autist will ever know.

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I kisseeeeeeed you and its making me smileee all the night.

>>9928363
Things have been getting better, but the same old problems are still there, deep down somewhere. I'll sometimes spend the night awake thinking about them. And then that utterly fucks up my ''new'', daytime life.

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I have never been lonely in all my life. And in all that time I have been alone, always. The quiet I've come to know as my only companion now feels heavy, and I can't but wonder just how long that's been true.

I don't feel lonely. I do feel alone. A stranger even to strangeness. I've distanced myself from it but often I recognize life's beauty. The sublime spark of possibility, promise alive with color and heat, tactile and new. It only ever serves to remind me of my own emptiness, like a gleam of light peeping in some overgrown dark. And in that light I don't recognize myself.

I need to clean my room.

>>9928399
Similar feel bro, shit from years ago still haunts me, old problems that doesnt die and the memes don't make me smile anymore

It doesn't make sense for everyone, with their prepackaged ideologies and group identities, to be so sure of themselves. Each group is so obviously mislead by their self-assurance of their authenticity. My mind is blanking perhaps I should save this for another time. It's all just so stupid. I don't want assume the role of a spectator since it seems rather cliche to say "ah, you two don't know what you're talking about but you see I can remove myself from this nonsense by simply adopting the stance of observer and remarking upon your idiocy!". I wonder how many others are simply watching this culmination of stupidity and utter blindness amass right before their eyes thinking, "It's all so stupid". Why do you so gallantly attach yourself to some group where you ingest regurgitated ideological groupthink fed to you by the few doing all the thinking? Is it that you can't think for yourself? Do you get a sense of superiority over the other by parroting groupthink that they refute by parroting their own groupthink? It's not like you're convincing anyone, it's not like their convincing you. You're not there for an argument, nobody is changing their mind. Everyone is predisposed to their ideologically sanctioned, ideologically confined beliefs such that no fact, however reasonable and rational and logical and true, will ever change anyone's caged mind. I feel hesitant to say that those who do adopt this ideological identity may, in attempt to one up the other, feign openness in their beliefs simply to show us, the spectator, "look at us, we are the rational ones, though confined we can listen and feign a compromise from OUR group because clearly OUR group is the more open one!" Dear god the people who can think don't cage themselves like rats they let their mind fly, soar ever higher to greater understanding! The world could be anything, thought could be anything, everything could be exactly what we don't assume, or even can't assume it to be! You are shackling your birthright to think, free yourself from this pitiful self-abnegation and simply think! It's all so stupid, you're all so stupid - to stupid to realize how shallow the pursuits those feeding you your simple toys of language. Set your mind free, let it run wild through the meadows of understanding, your own understanding, not though bullshit fields of bullshit stupidity jesus just save yourself.

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>>9928344
>tfw this haunts me
>tfw I genuinely don't know why I do all these self-destructive things

Pope Francis is right: gender theory is trash. Transexuality is an affront to God.

I get NO pussy and I am going to fucking rectify this RIGHT NOW

>>9928643
Hooker?

>>9928867
Probably either a fleshlight or a cat.

>>9918653
Fancy seeing you here, Mr. Stoner.

>>9928589
What about observing the stupidity and utter blindness which is amassing right behind your eyes? lot of pathetic ideological prejudices and assumptions in this post...

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i've been thinking a lot recently about the passage in min kampf when knausgaard describes the guy who is a socialist, works a simple menial job, and writes poetry with minor success. i'm no socialist but i think this might actually be an ideal way to live your life. a quiet productive life in the country while creating art in your free time sounds comfy and """authentic""".

i've been blinded by delusions of grandeur, of quitting my day job to write full time and teaching in some quiet new england town. a better approach would be to find a job that provides some utility to the world, pays the bills, and gives me time to write. and then actually write, write every day.

>>9929251
No one ideology is implied, the post itself is speaking out against all ideology. I wrote this as a stream of consciousness quite late so it should be easy to critique - maybe not for you

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I wonder if someone could write a book on obesity and overeating in the same manner that The Lost Weekend depicted alcoholism.

Or is the subject just vastly less interesting?

>>9928603
Human beings are not rational. If everyone was capable of acting in their own interest there'd be no poor people.

>>9918419
This is a thing. Men choose girls who resemble their mothers.

>>9918407
I'm so tired. I wish things were different.

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>tfw no qt anne frank gf
how the FUCK do I get over this feel

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>>9930720
who let you out of the attic

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>>9930720
>mfw there's a girl in one of my classes who looks exactly like her if she had lived to 20
I sort of know this feel

it must be so fucking amazing to be a normie

i went to the hospital today and got a butt injection :(

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do u think i'd get fired if i wore this to work?

pic courtesy of r9k

I'm so tired of my life. I'm always setting up these huge plans for myself but I never do anything. By the time that I get around to a project I don't even want to do it anymore. Why should I always put my life off? Sometimes I just want to go for a walk into the woods or go wander around the city. Daniel died yesterday and how will that change my life? At least he had a daughter and a name to leave behind. All I have is my shitty music that no one even listens to or cares about. Why do I do this to myself? It's not enough to make progress. I just want to be there already. I'm cooped up in this basement every day lurking /pol/ and occasionally reading or playing my instruments. But I know my gf's parents will soon expect me to get a job. I'm just afraid to lose the time that I've set aside for myself. I'm the other side of the great veil of life but I'm failing miserably. It's almost fucking September.

>>9929842
The subject of obesity could be equally as interesting as alcoholism but it would probably be a lot more pitiful and sad.

>>9929311
I love this outlook, anon. It's nice and lovely to imagine of life of great artistic success but it's actually much more comforting to be realistic about the outcome.

I'm never enough for myself and nothing is ever enough for me.

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>>9928352
Lol no one cares about what you have to say.

Good prose towards the end though, bub. Keep workin on it

>>9931827
>my gf's

fuck you're bait faggot i read like 80% of that shit why do u waste my life with normie whinings

How do I explain it? It's almost like watching a movie. You're back from university now, in the shower, and you're just reclined there against the back of the tub, hot water falling on your torso, like every night before you left for school. Except, it's different now. You're not really there. Or at least, you are there, but it doesn't matter. Your body's like a dumb animal, pushed to work and pleasure, while your mind is separate. Like a hazy train ride, or a waking dream.

It even happens in dreams. Is that weird? There's no poetic flourish to this. It's like growing old prematurely. And you don't even care. Now, at one point you did. You went through every bit of practical wisdom out there, looking for some philosophical insight that'll bring you back your humanity, hoping that the exercises might flip some switch and make you feel again. But the months keep passing, and life is like a parody of itself. Can you remember your childhood? Your interests? What's happened to you?

And the months keep passing.

>>9932001
say that to my face bub

>>9932001
my mom cares

lil b's new album "black ken" which is basically 27 throw away tracks of crap received bnm

meat eating orchids forgive no one just yet

Cut myself on angel hair and baby's breath

broken hymen of your highness I'm left back

throw down your umbilical noose so I can

climb right back


I wrote it myself

>>9932270
Did you also forget your childhood? Do you not have any happy memories? I was trying to remember a happy memory to help me fall asleep, but I'm still wide awake.

>>9932355
I have some, but the emotions behind them are terribly distant, and the ones I still recognize just depress me. For instance, I used to find something special in late-night drives, watching as huge dark buildings rose like monsters out of the gloom and stars. There was a kind of infinite mystery to it that hypnotized me, and I can still detect traces of the magic that first drew me in. Only now, it feels cheap. I know that there's nothing more to it than that vague feeling, and it's impossible to get wrapped up in it like I once could. That sort of perspective is part of why I'm like this.

Happy memories are tricky, I agree. There were fun times, but they were all so brief. Childhood is over, and what can you do?

>>9932383
Will we be allowed to have happy memories? We still have more years to come, but it doesn't seem to get any better. All the things I could've done if I followed what I thought made me happy when I was a kid. Playing piano, playing the guitar, drawing, making origami, running. All of them crushed by the reality. There was no money to buy me a piano, not enough commitment to the other activities since I knew they were destined to fail. Here I am now, everyone would say I'm lucky, that I've made everything except to fail. Why is it then, that I feel like a failure?

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I read all the comment in this thread.

The mystique is the force behind attention, that feeling of curiosity, it is the opposite of knowing. Haven't you noticed that once a physical thing or a concept is known that it loses its affection and becomes boring. I don't think that I am knowing the 'universe' more 'completely' as I age but rather I am knowing my own humanness more completely, and the mystique of being is clearing like a morning fog. The dragon of being has shown her tail and whatever could possibly be new is inside the void of non being which gently beacons and guides me to her devouring black flame. I sit and watch my breath so that I may be in her presence, but she casts me repeatedly back into the dream world, I can only weigh my closeness to her by how pleasurable the dreams become, some dreams are so full of mystique that their experience is too wonderful to leave, even though they are her tricks. Even her, the dragon, is a trick. The mystique of being itself, complete being, is the last peak, then I will reach the profundity of boredom with existence that comes with knowing, and then the end.

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The categorical rejection of humanism is the best idea that has yet seized me. Fuck the psyche.

>>9927469
Nobody said it was. Infatuation is typically what is meant by "falling in love".

>>9932014
Getting a gf doesn't make the pain go away and it doesn't make someone a normie, anon.

We adopted a kitten born to a stray in a neighbor's barn less than two weeks ago. We were seeing slow progress with socializing it, but when we took it to the vet it had a very traumatic experience. It's been a few days and it's feel better, but it's a lot jumpier with being fed by hand and I hope I'm doing things right, and I feel sad and anxious that it was so frightened. We are going to introduce it to our adult cat soon and I hope that goes well. I'm a baby.

Had this surreal dream last night where I was intimately making out with a beautiful white girl on a dirty couch illuminated by a television screen. I woke up and I wanted it so badly to be real

>>9929842
That was an awesome movie, 1945 I think? Didn't know about Delirium Tremens until I had seen it. As for a book on over-eating, I dunno, I wouldn't be too interested and I've been obese before.

>>9932431
And which readings did you draw this from?

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Had a very odd dreamlike deja-vu feeling a couple of nights ago while browsing the internet in a sleepily caffeinated state, thought of writing about it but didn't and here I am now, sort of writing about it
I like these feelings even though there's something vaguely terrifying about them. With the feeling immediately came the notion that I'd been having them recently. I also then recalled having had the same moment somewhere I couldn't have possibly had it, either it was a dream or simply a fantasy born in the moment of the deja-vu, for lack of a better term. The whole thing was very meta - in fact, that's probably the defining characteristic. I couldn't possibly describe it to someone who's had no such experience, but maybe someone who has can identify with it.
I now recall that I really have been having odd little moments here and there, spurred by random sentences I read or hear - like I've been in the same exact moment already and thought the same thoughts in response.

What is beauty, and what is truth? Tell me your thoughts, /lit/.

>>9934406
Fuck this, I can't convey any of it

>>9932971

>He hasn't seen Leaving Las Vegas

Ffs, I think I'm falling in love again

man why does life have to be so sad brehs

These people around me are beneath contempt and if you can read this, your little conversations have 0 effect on me.

>>9934440
I've seen it, but can't remember there being DT in that.

>>9918419
that's one of my deepest fears freud.jpg

caffeine whore

I honestly can't tell if my mother and sister have turned me into a women-hater, or if they simply gave me enough experience with females to have the foresight to see that they're all vile.

>>9918407
It's been a while now since I promised to be more honest with myself emotionally. I want to show people how I feel or have felt but still fear the reactions. I'm not sure why. If I don't like the relationships I have as they are what do I fear by risking telling them my honest feelings and changing things? Maybe it's because I've never done it before and fear the extra attention it may bring. In any case I can feel the pressure of that promise building and it won't be long before I break, Whether its a breakdown or breakthrough I don't know and that's why I still do nothing.

I miss my girlfriend.
There's a lump on my penis --
Kafka on The Shore

I want to explore the subterranean layers of the human conscious like no one has done before. Should I connect them to facts, statistics, research? Psychologists and social scientists spend alot of time getting data to support why their programs are supposed to work instead of making their programs actually work.
I get shocked by the objective realities that modern science has brought us. Not the science mentioned above, but things like entropy, evolution, and how the organism of a classical economy should work. I stick to that strictly objective perspective (we're just primates made of matter suspended in the infinite darkness). This perspective is powerful when researching tiny isolated fields of information, but it is no map for a human life. In other words, the partition between the universe and my daily life is strict and thick. The universe is a map, but life is a narrative.
Women were never oppressed by men, but rather by their own children. Birth control pills flipped the balance of power from children to mother. Does DNA wait for the right time to have a child? No. The only thing DNA does is replicate itself. The only way to have a nice living breathing society is for all of us to accept our fundamental human limitations and live in spite of them.
I have tried to make a big sweep of a narrative with this short little text, but instead I have collated a thousand little wisps of impressions and distilled them into words.

>>9919343
>ive been reading American postmodernism
Why would one do this?

>>9934880
Nope, they definitely turned you into a woman hater.

>>9935281
this is like Nietzsche, but better.
In other words keep writing but stay the fuck away from me if you see me in person. In fact don't go outside just stay indoors and write all day.

>>9920222
>I got comfy
You got dumped for being a comfy fag. All comfy fags are boring self important twats. They have no real backing for their opinions, so they say they are comfy. Any time anybody disagrees they use a strawman and keep referring to how "comfy" their something is. You suck.

I was always different, but I never knew why. My hair was longer than most boys my age, my pants were a little tighter, and I certainly didn't walk to the same tune as my peers. Sometimes I wonder if they can see how I see, or feel what I feel. Deep down inside I know that's just me wanting to belong. I love Nietzsche, Jung, and The Great Gatsby, but the people at my community college just don't seem to grasp the importance of slaying the dragon and cleaning your room. Psych 101 was a breeze, as I already knew most of the material before registering for the $120 Fall class. The professor, oh the professor, the poor woman, she relied upon the writings of Rollo May, which are quickly dismantled with my quoting of The Gulag Archipelago, a must read for any true believer in freedom of speech. As I ponder the thought of whether or not I should try and make friends, I know they would never understand my humor, maybe its because I belong to bastions of speech such as 4chan while they browse the erroneous "reddit.com" How I loathe the underbelly of the uncircumcised cock that is that url domain. But alas, I fidget too much with the spins, I must get going.

I want to work out, but I'm scared of looking silly by using gym equipment the wrong way.

I daydream at night

>>9935361
Do what I did and start off by focusing on cardio so that when you move over into lifting you have something that you are competent at to fall back on.

>>9935361
just workout with a personal trainer for a couple sessions, they'll work you a lot harder than most people will do on their own, so many people go to the gym, fuck around for an hour, and then wonder why they never lose wait or get in shape, if you never worked out before and you're not totally broke, pony up some cash and work with a trainer a couple times

>>9935374
That's pretty much what I do. All I do is jog, push ups, and sit ups, but I feel like using the equipment would help me more.

>>9935377
I'll definitely look into this. I'm a little worried about money, because I'm planning on going on an expensive trip this Winter.

I think getting a trainer would just increase my anxiety about going to gym, but I'm pretty desperate to get in shape...

>>9932971
The Man With The Golden Arm is a not bad old ass movie dealing with heroin addiction and just goes to show alt-right nostalgiafags that the 1950s weren't all suburban ranch houses and two car garages...i think it was a book too, if you're uptight about watching movies n shit

>>9935390
>I think getting a trainer would just increase my anxiety about going to gym, but I'm pretty desperate to get in shape...

A good trainer will put you at ease. Some trainers are kinda cold and just tell you what to do and then as soon as the session is over are like "peace, NEXT!" but good trainers are about building relationships and come with top bantz, try going to a "boutique" gym rather than a chain one, I think those small gyms are more interested in community building than the corporate ones, although they probably cost more

I've seen the towering oil buildings
Been driven to the prophetic billboards along the highway
Riden along the bible built bridges that scatter the thoughts and disjoint the rhetoric of thousands of radio commercials
I have felt the wind of depressive anguish coming from smoggy downtown all enough for the coke-lined executive offices of those who have bestsellers ghostwritten
And I have seen it, a man writing a check for a soul, excusing age old nightmares all originating in the minotaur horn, the scream of Grecian gold felt here and now in the stock exchange where hangs the corpses of rotting Hebrew angels by the feet
They who have found a way to sustain the roots of trees have disregarded the problem of a rumbling stomach, and the tar of the southeast can sustain us...all souls together screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
And I have heard the soot covered angels in the stock exchange howl: "Nothing has changed, Nothing has changed, Nothing has changed...."

>>9918407
Working wonderfully with my depression, being too harsh with my own capacity to read precisely makes me hate the books I love. I'm such a dick.

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>>9933922
Stirner, Nietzsche and Evola

>>9934411
The demand and supply of force, respectively.

>>9934496
Because your head is filled with bullshit. Forget all your dreams.

>>9936051
yo quoted anon, how you doin
I'm trying to get some study done while I download Ride discog for a shoegaze night

I know this is a massive cop out, but I hate that journals and writing competitions have themes. I have lots of stories I'm proud of, but rarely do they neatly fit the often quite specific themes these journals have. I write a story when I feel I have a story worth telling, not in response to a stimulus. That feels so artificial. I have won these types of competitions before, so it's not for lack of my ability.

>>9936051
>Stirner, Nietzsche and Evola
What should the name of this trilogy be? Nietzsche is pretty popular but the other two get memed here fairly exclusively. And they have some overlap in thought

>>9936082
Hello friend. I got sick, spent most of my day sleeping and neglecting my routine, then went on a nostalgic teenage depression due to it, then stopped giving a fuck, now I just watched Earthlings and was thinking of playing some Dark Souls before doing my daily mediatation.

They say slow and steady wins the race, but it's impossible to be patient when you were expected to graduate in 4 years, then it's pushed to 5, and now perhaps 5 1/2 or even 6 depending if all goes well when I transfer.

I've been trying to write this story for a while now but I'm just not able to get access to that unfiltered, raw perspective on things that I'm used to. It's like I know what I want to write about, but I'm not able to put myself in those shoes even though they were my shoes to begin with. Maybe I just need to get drunk. Maybe I'll blame the SSRIs.

>>9936119
gotta keep healthy my man, hope it isn't anything serious
I myself am getting out of a 2 week depressive state due to a broken foot and self-isolation; I think I really need social contact and interaction to not go too deep in my self-loathing, yet I always push away others
sencha tea is so fucking good

>>9936108
The Unarguables, considering all three told dialectics and the People to fuck off? Nah, that won't catch.

>>9936133
It's just life y'know. Everyone around me is constantly in a bad mood and I should be studying 24/7. There's too much shit to do and none of it feels rewarding. I want some time to read philosophy and literature, I stopped two book halfway when this semester started. At least my writing is improving.

What is happiness? Is it good to have it as a goal? Is it bad to not have it as a goal?

>>9936167
I don't think I've ever experienced a time where I was constantly content for a long time. I don't think this is even possible.

I don't think having happiness as a goal is good. It's hard to know what will make you happy. You can look for pleasure, but many pleasures can lead to more suffering.

Also, I've heard many people say that you find joy when you aren't searching for it. I don't know if I believe them, but if they're right then making happiness your goal is not a good idea.

i wish i had majored in english. that said, i focus on school way too much. once i'm done with this beer i'm going to go write for a bit until i fall asleep on the couch.

book i wish i had read earlier in life:
norwegian wood
my struggle volume 2
the big u

>>9936241
>It's hard to know what will make you happy
>you find joy when you aren't searching for it
What about following your interests then? If I like writing poems and shit and it gives me happiness doing so, is it not a good thing to follow?

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saw this on r9k for the first time

I'm frustrated at the fact that my life is worthless, I am soulless, this is all for nothing, and most importantly, my impossible wish will never come true.

>>9936441
What's your impossible dream?

>>9936479
I would rather not say it.

>>9936481
Then it's going to be more impossible.

I can't seem to let myself go with others anymore. Whenever I met a new girl, she start to cling at me. I like it, obviously. It makes me feel "stronger", better. But what about me? Why can't I seem to feel the same thing? I only felt interest for a girl in my life, only once. She is distant now. Goodbye.

Ah, how close I am, how close, the pleasure it gives me too. Excilarating. To err, that's true ecstasy; fuck success, the erring man who sees his error is the happy one. To not need anybody anymore--THAT is true communion. And to not tell the secret to anyone listening, that's another pleasure; to expose that you're masked when you're being seeing, knowing you won't get an answer, knowing you can insult the world and spit in the faces and icons of all saints, ah, please do remain quiet (you, yes you, you there, I know you're there, I can see you, I made you). If one's to stay loyal to a cause, I sayeth--I sayest, one's not to move one step in its direction. And to not move OHHH to not move, will they not get their panties in a canute if you--if I do not move! Oh, they might murder God and rape his virgin mother, but they cannot cast the first stone at you--that would be too masculine, and we know, philosophers never enter brothels with their own money. Yes, you are the one that must be at fault; so judge the great commentators, y'know, the people who never made anything important in their lives. But hey hey hey don't ask them to be useful! Anything but that! No consssssscecions sir! Great men, Great Great Great Great Great men! To be them, what an aspiration--one wants to be them so they can get them out of the way.

But I was to talk about judging, among the other billion demands that show up. To be penetrated by a darkness, by that black sphere! To be gazed upon and be ripped apart by a sensible pair of balls! Why is it that things can only be expalined by turning them upside down? Who made this dimension--the Chinese? But I'm approaching comedy now. It's better to stop now before things improve.

Vacation is really the killer of ambition. Grinding yourself out everyday in the week ensures emotional investment in whatever you're doing. Taking a break from this grind lifts the burden, but the imagined purpose used to lift this burden gradually rots and decays as there is nothing to lift anymore. I can imagine the dye makers of the royal purple cry as they realized they gave importance to extracting snail blood as they lie on a sunny beach in Spain.

That girl I found on Tinder has an ugly man face, but enormous tits. I wanna fuck that shit

>>9935398
Sounds interesting, might have to give that one a look-see. Didn't Ray Charles have a heroine addiction back in the 50s/60s?

>>9936481
this is the only place you can say it.

>>9936255
sure,but i would rather strive for nobility.engange in something difficult that tests and forges your character.the idea of hapiness as an ideal is completely worthless.Believe me,youll let go of it once you suffer seriously for the first time,finally coming to the conclusion that life,in its purest form is suffering,and the best way to resist it is to do something that is worthwhile and good.everyone would thank you for that.

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>>9937299
>life,in its purest form is suffering
What if it's the other way around and non-life is pure pain? What if our bodies don't suffer but rather keep away from the essence of reality, like a bunch of dirt stopping water in a filter, a few precious moments when the current is stopped? What if all the religions aren't evasion but preparation?

There are x simulations. The odds that we are living in the base reality are 1/(x+1). It has to be hard determinism. Cigarette > coffee > weed > heroin > alcohol. Ibuprofen always takes care of hangover. ..Age 2 fast. But, then again. Otherwise it would never end.

>>9938963
I didn't try to be artsy btw I just noticed that it looks like it. Those were my thoughts. But to be perfectly honest I think about suicide in the background.

>>9938963
>>9938994
>let it all out /lit/
As a final thought now that I'm about to start a new novel manuscript, I wish that I'll keep my drafting speed at 500 words per day this time, or at least below 1,500 per day, so that I won't spend all day writing again.

>>9937299
>youll let go of it once you suffer seriously for the first time,finally coming to the conclusion that life,in its purest form is suffering
I've already come to that conclusion, but these kind of thoughts >>9938257 still haunt me
I've found refuge in buddhist scriptures, but I'm in need of a teacher who can answer my questions.

I didn't know it'll be like this. I got a girlfriend that I love and care for but I don't feel the warmth back. It's a long distance relationship and I send her messages all the time asking how she's doing. She never asks about myself. At the end of the day I message her because I want to talke to her. She never responds until hours later. Maybe I should just end it. I don't want to deal with this attachment anymore.

Greed sits in darkness, in an alley surrounded by others yet alone.

There he is perched on his chariot, ashy skin clinging to weary bone.

Curled in his seat he is peddling hashish, covetous eyes watching the passerby.

A curse, a curse is in store for that poor gullible wretch that falls into his timeless lie.

So fucking fucked

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>>9939744
If that can get to you then you're not understanding Buddhism correctly. The only reason why the Eternal Pain Afterlife can be posited is because you're still working under the Eternal Non-feeling Afterlife assumption. You still have a self to give. There's no pain without someone to feel it. We're all lìke bubbles.

I've been missing a lot of classes because of sickness. I also missed a date because of it. I feel weird wishing for a diagnosis, but at least then it'd (presumably) have a treatment or cure. If it's just stress, like they always say it is, then there isn't much that can be done that isn't already being done.

>>9940081
Source on that pic? It doesn't sound like something the Buddha would say.
It isn't much about the fear of "Eternal Pain Afterlife" as it is about the thought of this life being the only chance I have.
>There's no pain without someone to feel it
There is no goer, there is merely a going (paraphrasing John S. Strong)
So, there IS pain, even if the person doesn't feel it. The Buddha himself was subject to illness and pain.

>>9932971
Do read the Lost Weekend book also, it's more harrowing than the film.

I woke up at 5 again on saturday. Drunk but that´s just the normal state of things. As was will be.

Thinking about how much I used to like reading and painting before I dropped out of college. WOW it was so many years ago. Living in a foreign land. Should I apply for citizenship now? Otherwise=should I cease to exists instead.

These troublesome thoughts like it was and will be, each week with the two days of the grindride. And you know, the more the merrier, with each passing week I get more and more depressed seeing the construction sites.

I cut my finger yesterday too. Should get it stitched but can´t even be bothered. Let it bleed. Maybe it will paint all of this a new shade of red.

PERSIKA;MANGO:GREEN TEA 56mg Koffein. Like shopping in sweden isn´t even cheap anymore. I wanna get wasted again. I think I´ll do it.

UP and down, fuck around.

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I might have to rebuild the plot more or less from the ground up. Well, that's a bit too, much. But some elements will definitely have to go. Perhaps the monsters. It's difficult to work on so many paradigms at the same time--thankfully Freddy has given me a taste for tension. I have a sense of the characters' psychology that I don't need to do Psychology; same thing with the culture. But then all my studying has been for nothing, if I take It out. Perhaps the Him in It can go; he is difficult to play with already. To be close to the ground, yet be great. Oh Melville, how I covet your shadow. And Tomino, the madman might end up saving me. Oshii. Ahhh, I need to find a Patlabor torrent. Anime is not about what it sells itself as being, but rather with what what it sells itself as being--this must be avoided.

>>9940121
That's part of the Heart Sutra.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOK8f7ZymDI

>The Buddha himself was subject to illness and pain.
I was talking about the afterlife. Regardless, it's stupid to say "life is pain" in the way the other Anon did. Life is pain, it's true, but it's pain like it's gravity, color, or time. There's not much else to it than that. The reason people get so scared about it, is that they want to escape from pain. But right now, neither of us is in such tremendous pain. You see people thinking about diseases, old age and the like, the slow pains; but they rarely look at the streets and think how every automobile is capable of crushing them, or are afraid of their houses's ceilings falling on them, or being struck by lightning, or many of the other much more horrible ways to die. Consider how much more accepted wars used to be. It's not that I'm trying to put those things down, but you spoil your life by being fixated on them like this. Yet if a fire were to spontaneously start close to you, would you not know what to do and instead tremble like you do now?

"To the most trivial actions, attach the devotion and mindfulness of a hundred monks. To matters of life and death, attach a sense of humor." [Zhuangzi]

http://www.sacred-texts.com/tao/ycgp/ycgp03.htm

>the thought of this life being the only chance I have.
The only chance for what?

I'm tired of this shit.
Please take me to paradise already.
I want to die.
Please let me out.

>>9940330
A soldier named Nobushige came to Hakuin, and asked: "Is there really a paradise and a hell?"

"Who are you?" inquired Hakuin.

"I am a samurai," the warrior replied.

"You, a soldier!" exclaimed Hakuin. "What kind of ruler would have you as his guard? Your face looks like that of a beggar."

Nobushige became so angry that he began to draw his sword, but Hakuin continued: "So you have a sword! Your weapon is probably much too dull to cut off my head."

As Nobushige drew his sword Hakuin remarked: "Here open the gates of hell!"

At these words the samurai, perceiving the master's discipline, sheathed his sword and bowed.

"Here open the gates of paradise," said Hakuin.

Nothing is a man dressed in all white
His job is to clean cars on the subway
From your seat you watch him
In his white cap and overalls
Then you look around and notice
The people all around you
And the space in between
Is made up of countless little beings
All fitting together like a puzzle
Then they dance and move
They move apart revealing the infinite
The endless black behind them
They move further away from each other
Until there is just the nothing
The infinite black is all there is
The black and the silence forever
Then you speak

>>9940321
>The only chance for what?
I was going to say attaining enlightenment, as we already dismissed happiness as being a good life goal to pursuit, but it sounds way too un-attainable.
The chance to accomplish something, to be able to put a meaning to all that suffering, to be able to overcome that suffering. I see that shit every day quoted anon, I'm a med student. The hospital is full of suffering, you can see it in the faces of people, you can smell it in the sterile air, you can hear it in the machines connected to the people so they don't die.

I'm still not done reading the introduction to Buddhisms, so I still haven't chose if I should follow Theravada or Mahayana.

>>9940373
Anon, you should get rid of all those types of goals. I'm not telling you to quit life or anything, but you're approaching things in the wrong way, if you ask me. There's no meaning to suffering. It's just suffering. That I understood after years of crippling depression. There's nothing in the world that could justify it. Why would you even want to? It's already there anyway. It's already happening. Why do you want to get even with life? Where are the scales measuring your life so that it was worth something or not?

Anon, you're already doing more than enough by being a med student. You're helping people in ways a meager artist like me could only ever fantasize of. The only thing you could add is a smile and humanness when you deal with patients, so that can aleviate them a bit more, to take them away from the constant expectation.

>I still haven't chose if I should follow Theravada or Mahayana.
Why choose? See what fits you better as it comes. Things don't happen before they happen.

I deny myself most pleasures and happiness because these things distract from my pursuit of immortality, but I'm also pretty sure it's impossible to die anyway. My essential problem is that of choosing whether to accept the handout of eternity given to every sentient mind, or find my own way to it and be a self-made god.

>>9940422
>There's nothing in the world that could justify it. Why would you even want to? It's already there anyway. It's already happening
This is what the first noble truth (dukkha) means. But there is also origination of suffering, ending of suffering, and a path leading to the ending of suffering.
How am I supposed to act on pain? On this pain I feel when you say "you're already doing more than enough"? Why is it then, that I feel I'm failing to myself?
I've had this shadow following me my whole life, that only disappears in the night, when all is stripped down to it's raw essence
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRMZ51mzA4I&t=150

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>>9940473
Once upon a time there was life. And among that life there existed ones who could look up. Looking up, they looked down, and saw what the world was like from there. Looking up, the knew stars, the knew the days and months and years. By their love of the stars, the could construct great shelters, greater than they needed to be, or great voyages, greater than they needed to be. In this way they became tired of the world. Soon they came to know what the stars were as well... and they looked from farther up. How much smaller did things look then. How they longed to sail the stars, to chase after mistery. Mistery after mistery, they had always gone on. All their senses pointed outwards, they didn't see themselves. On those seas of darkness, what had kept them warm?

It is fine to carry a cross. It is fine to look and not go. Some promises are good because they don't come to an end. You can have regrets and gratitude. You can be clothed in a cold night.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cr1w9liUjE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qalGezr76o

tfw no 13yo gf to dress up

>>9940617
Humbert pls not right now

>>9940621
Humbert only cared about sex and also I'm much younger and more hip than him
I had one but she AGED

>>9940624
>I'm [...] more hip than him
Not with that prose you're not.

>>9940630
Nabakov is a terrible prose-stylist; hate him.

>>9940473
And thanks for the unintentional music rec
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSY1tyuR3WQ

>>9940615
>It is fine to carry a cross. It is fine to look and not go. Some promises are good because they don't come to an end. You can have regrets and gratitude. You can be clothed in a cold night.
I'll keep this with me to read when I'm feeling helpless
>>9940647
The rec was totally intentional quoted anon, Polar Inertia is one of my favorites when it comes to ambient and deep techno
May our paths cross in this or in another life

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>>9918407
Is the current mainstream focus on promiscuity and drug use getting Humaity revved up to be literal sheep? If the main focus of our culture is sex and drugs, minus needs: Food/clothes/water, is that all it would take to keep everyone complacent, literally, no matter what happens in the world, as long as its not on their door step or interfering with sexy time
Also, rereading A Brave New world
>mfw a good portion of that stuff is conceivable

You failed to follow directions because you're typing not writing. So, front lines for you.

>>9940678
I highly doubt any avenue of culture's focus on sex and drugs is a current development. Look at literature and you will find important installments throughout history focusing on sex and drugs.
I think the main difference between writers of ancient greece and China, and more recent writers like the Beat generation, is that technology has allowed for the synthesis of more potent and mid-altering drugs as opposed to simply alcohol. Moreover in a post-industrial society, people have begun to more earnestly seek to define themselves as older methods of meaning-making are no longer effective; this has led to the prominence of sexuality subcultures as paths for people to define themselves in a meaningful way.

>>9920808
In most of the World - no

>>9940681
Some typing is writing.

Look at a wanker,
In the circle of Gods.
Look at a wanker,
Oh how the times have changed.

>>9940150
Thanks, I'll have to look into it. I quite enjoyed the movie. I also have to check out Hunter S Thompson

I Have No South And I Must Dream

Which translation of The Brothers Karamazov?

every single day I go on facebook and hate people

i have a poopoo but i cba to go to the toilet

ill hold it in until tomorrow morning after my morning walk

no matter how much it makes me stink of poo

>>9918407
I'm writing a story where a lot of the characters have stories in the background and I'm not sure whether that's a good idea or not.
I've also gotten to the point where I'm not sure what other people think about what I believe, and that scares me a bit, because I don't think it's a good idea for me to refuse to 'listen' to others.

>have a dying streak of three or four lives in Quake 3
>filled with insane rage
>lizard hindbrain automatically starts generating plans to find and bite the people who killed me

Why can't i just chill the fuck out

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>tfw she asks you if that post in this thread is about her

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I want to fuck boys in the asshole. I want to suck penises and cocks. I wish I were an Oscar Wilde character so I could break a bottle in the anus of a fellow homosexual, ripping him apart from the inside. I'm probably going to kill myself. Fag.

I'm lonely but don't want to make friends with just anyone. It's hard to make friends, I haven't had a close one since 2nd grade.

I'm getting nervous with every passing day because I'm a virgin at 21 years old and I don't use social media or talk to girls. I don't know how to know if a girl likes me. No girls like me.

Something must be wrong with me.

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I didn't know my dad. I have a stepfather who I've known since I was eight, but he's pathetic. I alternate between effeminacy and a sad compensatory masculinity that does my life more harm than good. I've struggled with nihilism and I feel like more of a last man than a bridge to the overman.
Right now I have a "oneitis" who I am "orbiting". I don't like these terms but they are apt descriptors for this particular situation. Last night we got drunk at a party and fell asleep with our limbs intertwined but when I woke up this morning she had disappeared. I don't know what to do.

>>9942669
Text the girl lad. Meet her right now and explain your feelings. If you put it off longer it will only hurt more.

>>9942675
This is just something she does though, I think. I hear what you're saying, and you're right, but I'm going to continue rationalizing my decision not to.

>>9942694
Fair enough. I don't blame you. I'm >>9942668
and haven't had any luck with the girls I've been interested in. Maybe it's best to not to take advice from someone like that. Good luck.

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>>9942669
The only thing my father taught me was that apathy and ignorance are the most powerful forces in social interaction.

>I've struggled with nihilism and I feel like more of a last man than a bridge to the overman.
Those are all ideas. You're not supposed to be them but use them. Nihilism is basically an insult anyway.

Anyway do what >>9942675 says though. It's gonna hurt bad, but it won't end up in some otherwise. Or perhaps a miracle will happen like you expect. You've put yourself in a mental Chinese water torture as is; I would know I had to go through it.

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How do I stop thinking up plots that are actually just freakish amalgamation of various media I've consumed?

>>9943106
Thanks for the kind words anon. I have the usual complaints with that course of action though; we share friends and do a lot of activities together, and I've been enjoying the tension to some degree, and the physical contact I get from her often feels like it's worth the suffering of probably-unrequited desire.

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>>9943199
Dettach yourself from them. Consume better stuff. Be honest with yourself about what parts are necessary. Learn to get to the point and be pertinent. Be selective, analyse what you have consumed, write the analyses down. Let the story tell itself, listen to that little voice that tells you "this is kinda stupid". Stop selfpitying over it, it won't work. Knowing you're caught is the first step to being free.

>>9943278
You could alawys do the adult thing and not sever the relationship completely after confessing. But that might take some maturity you don't (and I didn't) have. But the longer you keep hoarding fantasies inside your head about her, the harder you'll fall.

>I've been enjoying the tension to some degree
Exhilarating, is it not?

Is there any word that describes something being beautiful because it is softly tragic and incomplete, or that loving emotion? Is that wabi-sabi?

>>9943321
>implying you know the first thing about writing

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>>9943408
Who needs to know?

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>>9943447
>>9943321
nice taste dude

>>9943321
Yeah it's almost like modern courtly love. Desire always deferred and unconsummated. The movement from pain to hope is more envigorating than any fucking or closure possibly could be. I've been in two long term relationships, back to back, for a total of 7 years. I just want the chase - I want that which I used to think of as a curse and a pure torture. Posting this here has helped me realize that. Thanks /lit/ bros and sisses

i find myself frequenting this place
it's a big room, empty. you can't tell what time it is, all the curtains are closed. the air is light, faintly smelling of coffee and tobacco;
wait,
were you there all this time? was i there all this time?
i'm walking barefoot now, i can listen to each step i make, every breath i take, even though everyone is talking so loud. were you there all this time? was i here until now?
it was nice knowing you all, but i have to leave this place
now

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>>9943755
That's because when you're stuggling you're employing all your energy and inventiveness to get there, you're completely focused because even the smallest step counts, you're willing to overcome you would otherwise be hindered by. Then after you've got what you wanted, you see it wasn't all that difficult, and you grow complacent, routine sets in, and you fall into the same pitfalls over and over again. And you wonder what was so special about them, when what made them special wasn't what *they* were, but what they made you into, made you feel and see. So the romantic love in which you're supposed to find the perfectly fitting other, and the devotional love in which you're supposed to give yourself for the good of the other (or of a third party like the family or the children), aren't really what's happening there at all. Loving someone is perhaps the most selfcentered thing you can do.

The trick in all this is understanding that the mortification, the grimness, the desperation and the domination aren't really necessary. To me, they're signs more of insecurity than something else.

As Wilde (in The Soul of Man under Socialism) said: "It is a question whether we have ever seen the full expression of a personality, except on the imaginative plane of art. [...] What I mean by a perfect man is one who develops under perfect conditions; one who is not wounded, or worried or maimed, or in danger. Most personalities have been obliged to be rebels. Half their strength has been wasted in friction."