>>7578500 why are male professors so much better than female? all of my female teachers are disorganized and annoying as fuck, and make the courses 10x more of a hassle than they need to be and most have degrees from shitty state or local colleges. Meanwhile their male counterparts are organized, everything's easy to access and you know exactly what they want done and when, and the majority have qualifications from decent schools.
>>7578500 How weird it feels to be in my current situation. Spent my whole life pretending to be something I wasn't. Grew up playing sports, ended up getting a scholarship in america. Had to continue holding my tongue, cracking jokes, laughing at shit I didn't find funny, but had trained myself to appear to find funny, which in turn I did end up sort of finding funny.
After school I kept it up while working in finance. I've had less than 3 people to actually discuss higher minded things with my entire life. Unfortunately one of them was my brother and it only ever related to business like stuff - I stupidly followed in my families footsteps and earned a commerce degree.
I have these two parts of me constantly battling....one of which isn't actually a part of me, but something I made part of me to survive / cope with my surroundings. I've never uttered these words to another soul. I probably will not ever again.
I have work tomorrow....some folks from berlin are coming in finalize one of the deals we have been working on. I'll probably drown out their voices with bourbon by the end of it. The rest of my week will be similar, minus the germans. The rest of my life will probably be similar.
>>7578635 You're disgusting. She's trying to make a living, and you're refusing offered services because of arbitrary body marks? What if Jaquon didn't get to eat that night because of your fat, no paying ass?
>>7578628 I hate to break it to you but you aren't special. There's tons of people in the exact same situation as you and that's why life sucks. It's literally just a bone sucking, hopeless, draining reality. I'm fucking paralegal dude. I work with a bunch of white racist rich people. I park my shitty Chevy Prizm next to my boss' Maserati and laugh when they make heinous comments about the damn liberals because otherwise I would be jobless. Everyone lives 2 lives.
I want to read a long work. I have some works by Neal Stephenson I have Anna Karenina and war and peace I also have les miserables I'm also looking at mason and dixon, but I don't know if that's a good place to start with pynchon
I can't decide. On the one hand, i want to read something by stephenson, but I don't want to wind up reading schlock
>>7578681 I didn't mean to seem as If I think I am unique in the situation.
Although it is a bit different than yours. I've been like this since elementary school. The mask i put on to hide myself, has become a part of who i am. You're not a white racist as well as being not white and not a racist are you?
Thoughts are habitual patterns after all....these thoughts and things that I've done and said became a part of my overall system of habits.
I have a really bad headache. I hate not having a car, it pisses me off having to take the bus through the cold. I'm learning magic, yay. Apparently I have a "mindform", but she might be dead. Boo. All I want is to talk to the voices in my head again. Not going off meds though.
>>7578705 Lol I am white so they feel like I'm just "idealistic" or naive when I'm appalled at what they say. But I wasn't like getting into a contest at all. Just meant it literally sucks. And I know what you mean completely. I was the same way but like the exact opposite almost. Like all through my life I was the crazy funny loudmouth that everyone liked and I never dealt with shit from anyone and I just kind of coasted on that and became that person. And then I moved where I didn't know anyone else and that whole personna just didn't exist anymore and I was like nothing. It was crazy. So now I'm in this weird situation where I kind of hide the mask that I used to wear to hide myself? Lol if you follow. Either way, life in general is just a sham for everyone. It totally blows generally just as a fact lol
>>7578770 appreciate the response mate. I guess thats why we all come to the chans. Easy to speak to no one about this type of shit. I just figured that since you pointed out their whiteness, that perhaps you were not white. Perhaps you're racist against white racists? lol
Anyways, yeah life is a sham, the worlds a staged play of infinite jest desu senpai
Wondering where our (my) lives went wrong so that our only confidants are literary strangers on the internet. >>7578705 >>7578770 You're not alone. Self-deception, bad faith, weakness of will, masks, all symptoms of a post-Existentialist world. http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/weakness-will/ http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/self-deception/#Rel http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/sartre/#Eth
>>7578796 lol the racist thing was honestly such a shock to me, I legit never knew that existed in real life. I mean I grew up orthodox Jewish which means you're just super elitist and racist against literally everybody. And I also grew up in Canada which as much as people make a joke out of it, it truly is a welcoming melting pot, But this is like true blue american racism. Like total suburban rich white douchehats. And the worst part is, they truly care about me. Like they love me there. They consider me family. And I just leave everyday and cry cuz I hate what I've allowed myself to be. Lol that honestly adds a whole new level of fucked upness that I've never experienced. I was super depressed when I first started there cuz of it and now I'm just numb kind of...which makes me feel even worse lol
>>7578800 And yeah, I know these things on a weird level of understanding. Like obviously I know there's reasoning and diagnosis for the experiences that I (and pretty much everyone on some level or another) feel but that just doens't matter anyway. It's just like how we all are aware of our own mortality but it still feels helpless to know we're dying. Doesn't help to know.
>>7578500 I wander from desire to desire, feigning freedom. Nothing too alien from others expectations, my society. I'm honestly afraid of their mocking eyes, and hidden whispers. So I stay inside and watch life through this lens. Bones thumping the front window is signal for alarm, I peek at whose in want. "Come out" they plead. But I cant, I just cant. I fall to the floor burning inside, I care about nothing but wanting to care. I want to desire, to use my faculties to make my way to some peak where I imagine that light will shine through me and rinse my body of this filth. Maybe I can finally say that "this is it, this is what is worth living for."
but here I am, I guess that I'd rather shitpost on /lit/
>>7578544 I had one good female professor who was blunt as fuck about everything she said without trying to be "cooky" about it. She was perpetually pissed off but clearly passionate about the shit she was teaching (it was a lit course). Any professor that is old enough, and has seen enough shit to tell their students to fuck off is pretty okay in my book.
focus on work is more rewarding and beneficial than focusing on my brother and his family moving in this house my dad has worked so hard to establish, driving up the water and power bills and in return being a huge burden.
Even though it's frustrating, remembering this experience and the anger, will be a huge fuck you to them but I should keep in mind that this is not the main driving force behind my performance in school.
No. I should discover what will really drive me towards whatever larger goal of human progress I'm trying to accomplish. It isn't enough to know that if I work my ass off in school and internships I'll hold a better paying job than him. Thinking this way will only quell whatever frustration I have in the moment but it won't be satisfying in the long run and that's where feeling accomplishment is important.
So I suppose feeling accomplished should be some ultimate goal within the next couple of years but what then? work until i retire and die travel to places i've always wanted to go meet some of the greatest people I'll ever meet
It seems some poeple still cling to false hope in regards of love, as if the dating ground is not working in the exact same fashion as any market; an offer and a demand. It is cold, I admit, but inevitable. And if you want the one person you wish to gain, you must put yourself out there and take it. If it's not you, it'll be someone else.
>>7579515 I long to see my ex-gf but she lives 10 thousand miles away. I have no money to get there. I want to earn money to get there. But what will i do if i get there. I don't want to write to earn money because i feel that would be insincere. I can't write to earn just money. I can't do anything else. I have no skills.
I was not a speculative man but now it's the only thing that she left behind for me. Fuck lost love. It wastes your time.
I wish i could go to Vienna this instant. Perhaps she's waiting for me. Perhaps has a lot of weight when you're a bleak coward.
I need to eat something. My stomach aches this morning.
I want to wrap my hands around your neck as I feel the inner walls of your vaginal canal. My cock twitching as I ache to use and abuse your supple, well developed body. Each thrust, I watch as your ass shakes back and forth. Your skin moving as if in tight waves with each smack.
My grip tightens around your throat as you gasp in ecstasy. Your masochistic brain only receiving pleasure as I break you and abuse your body. There are red marks from the last few times around your neck. And the hand prints from many sessions in the past are placed randomly on your bare ass. Your wet slit aches for more, and I am happy to oblige.
>>7578500 I wish I had dated In high school so I could have I could be more comfortable with girls in college. I have a lot of anxiety about this. But I think I will be fine for next semester. I'm only a Freshman. Also on a side note is the book Memoirs of Hadrian worth reading?
Although 4130 alloy steel is the more predominant steel alloy in aerospace applications, there is more data available regarding the material properties of A36 steel over a wide range of temperatures - as high as 1200 degrees fahrenheit.
School is starting next week. I only need 5 more classes to graduate, but doing that is pretty much a guaranteed stress-fest towards the end of the semester. I've decided to split up 3 classes this semester then 2 next semester. Funny how I can plan out an entire year with a small decision like that. I hope I meet an interesting girl in the music class I am taking. I currently have a fuck buddy whose head over heels for me, but she's a little overweight and I'm extremely shallow. She's so kind and has a beautiful, sweet face. Her boobs are fun to suck. She really enjoys being with me and is very possessive. I discovered this after my ex moved back into town due to having a fucking mental breakdown at her ivy league university. I still like her because she's intellectually above me, and listens to great music and introduced me to David Foster Wallace before I even knew /lit/ existed. My ex is the kind of person I would like to spend my life with, but her time here has been occupied by other males, whom I've had the unfortunate opportunity to meet on 2 occasions. More occasions have arose, confirming just how much she's getting around (and really, I think it's because she's had such an awful time at university she's relieving her stress through sex and whatnot), and I'm not desirable to her at all. I was obsessed with the idea of her since we parted ways; I never got over her. And now that she's back after such a long time I was swooning... but of course, the other guys and she told me we should just be friends. So I've decided I don't like my ex anymore (the way it should've been) and I've been taking out my sexual frustrations with this lovely overweight girl who is kind to me.
There's nothing wrong with my life. School's been paid for, I have an attractive fuck buddy, my ex might get an STD from all the men she's been with, my parents are in good health and our relationship is swell...
Yet, I still feel as if there's something missing. There's the whole true love thing, but I don't think I should be worrying about that in my 20's, right? I want to be recognized for something. I want to go out and do gigs but I'm extremely shy.
Any man worth his salt knows sex isn't everything. Once you've done it a few times it gets a little samey, at least it did for me. So I'm trying to fill in a gap and I don't know what shape to put in.
I bought a powerball ticket and I hope I win. 11 25 26 34 52 21.
I am Native American and will be applying to graduate school this fall to enroll the following fall. I don't have a tribal code and don't know how to get it. This is important since proving that I am Native American will increase my chances to get in to any given graduate program. That side of my family, my father's (who is illiterate and ignorant of his race), are all either dead or nearly there. I have tried before and failed because I have no information from my family. I have no money to spend on getting this information since I support my father mother and brother. I don't know what to do.
>>7579872 Graduate programs do not recruit based solely on race. Even with that equal opportunity quotas in mind, they're not going to let a moron walk into their campus. Grades and work history over everything else.
It felt like anchors in my ribs whenever I saw even shadows act intimate, but at the same time I yearned for such. It was sickening as it was confusing, as if all my life I stood in the rain watching from outside the window as silhouettes settled by the fireside. There I was infinitely shattered and scrambled, with a mouth full of words that I could never pronounce.
>>7580090 Thanks for the rec, Anon. You know, I always avoided Reddit after hearing about how bad it was around here, but it's actually really good. They have Star Wars memes, 4chan memes, all kinds of memes. Anyone else who's interested in Reddit.com should go there. ;)
albeit famine was in him a radiance expurgating from the third eye washed away the intricate sensation of sentimental affinity that happened insofar as to whether it was to rain from above to scalps of human forms laying in endless columns of purgatorial, visceral matter that once had a breath and vermin in their pale immobile feet and hollow hearts in caverns that once were chests and last to flee was hope.
>>7578500 I write for a living, but I never write for myself anymore. I come home from work and smoke weed and pay video games until my girlfriend comes home. We eat, fuck, and sleep. I have little to drive me forward but the hope that I get my shit together and do something great with my life.
>>7580615 The Jews always had a separatist ethos from the rest of the world. The specific determination of their religion rests precisely on them as a 'people'. The palestines and arabs are really unfortunate to have them as neighbors.
>>7580627 I guess the Nazi Germans hated the Jews so much precisely because this ethos was so similar in both: the more a people isolates themselves in a ideal image of 'chosen people' or 'white aryans' the more extreme will be the antagonism that is inherent in the formation of a nation.
>>7580591 I hope your girlfriend does love you and support you, I hope she doesn't get bored of playing house and leaves your ass. I'm sure at one point you were satisfied with the way things are. Man, your post makes me uneasy.
>>7580682 Yes she does, and she loves "playing house," but I think if she ever backs out, it'll be due to her unable to handle a career and a child. She depends on me a lot to validate her beauty, her worth, her talent, and that gets old.
I can imagine a wonderful life with her, but I can also imagine me cheating on her once we're married and get sick of each other. My parents are divorced and hers stay with each other because they're forced to (her dad had cancer for many years, her brother is autistic)
>>7580706 Perhaps you should word your last statement differently, because if you aren't willing to put your family before all else, don't start a family. In many ways you do end up being defined by your family, but this is a wonderful thing to experience. My advice would be to define yourself as one who is a beloved of God because this is the truest form, then you don't have to worry about being defined by this thing or that thing. It seems that you have a genuine love of writing and want to see that your work goes well. I'm a musician and all I'm concerned with is putting out quality work, if I can't do that it's like all of life is at a stand still. Except you have a job and a girlfriend to worry about on top of the writing. I'm afraid that if I continue letting everything take a backseat to the work and I don't put anything out, I'll have nothing by the end of this and just give up.
>>7580769 Fair enough. I know that I will love my family when I do start one. >beloved of God As much as that appeals to me, I've never found the faith to believe that. > I'll have nothing by the end of this and just give up That's why dicking around like I do bums me out, but I'm stupidly content with it.
your situation is not so bad. make some good money, don't live too grandiose, save up a lot and then move to southeast asia, latin america, polynesia or whatever island paradise you're feeling. make friends interested in the arts, enjoy the fact that you'll never have to work in your entire life ever again and find a good hobbie.
me? if I settle down I want to produce my own honey and grow my own produce. maybe sell it to selected restaurants, don't really care about that.
not the guy you replied to, but damn.. that's rough..
I remember when I lived in Bolivia for a few months. I had an "exchange brother", he lived in Germany with us for six months, then it was my turn.
that family man, I loved them to death. they were so incredibly warm, welcoming, loving. as if I was their own son. it's the only time I felt at home like I do at home, maybe even more so. they were probably the nicest people I've ever met.
then, after like a month, during a family dinner, the dad starts to talk about the indios. at first he's being facetious, later not so much. he clearly considered them subhuman. blamed every single problem the country had on them. boy that got me fucked up.
I would be okay with just not feeling like a failure. I have a girlfriend, amazing grades, friends in college, yet all I can do is compare myself to the greatest of the greatest and feel inferior. why doesn't it stop? I don't want to be a fucking celeb, I don't need to be the next foster-wallace. I just want to get high, listen to music and read without feeling bad about it. fuck.
I'm talking to a girl right now who has a boyfriend they've been together for years, and I'm afraid she's just keeping me on the back burner. She'll never leave him for me and honestly I couldn't be the man that he is for her despite the fact that she can't stand him half the time. She's in it for the security. We had something for a short period of time while they were briefly on the rocks but fell out of touch soon after. They're constantly on and off so I'm just waiting to make a move. Or should I keep my distance?
>4 years ago >still together with my then-gf now exgf >she was a cunt >her best friend is hitting on me >her boyfriend is right next to her >neither him nor my then-gf seem to mind >fastforward fryday >gf and me are supposed to go hit the club >her parents won't allow it >she asks me to take her best friend instead >feel like I'm being hooked up >fall in love with that girl >she's incredibly beautiful >like 10/10 would worship beautiful >I stay faithful for another two months, relationship breaks apart >meanwhile their relationship is breaking apart, too >too depressed and fed up to make avancements to her >don't want to cuck her bf, he was a really nice guy
jesus christ. still hate myself for not fucking her. she was literally perfect.
>>7578500 >inb4 hatred, you told me to write what's on my mind I'm kind of tired of being frustrated with my feelings for people who won't like me back (because they're straight). There's this one guy I'll call "L" who is probably the most attractive human being I've seen. I think he likes me as a friend, but the way that he's often blunt makes me sometimes feel nervous about that. I do everything I can to make sure he's happy, and I'm worried that this will mean that he knows how I feel about him. I know he isn't gay. Someone once thought we had had sex, and of course we both denied it, but he was pretty pissed at the person's misunderstanding. I know he's straight, therefore I know there's no way I can get him to like me. I wish I could get over it and stop liking him.
>>7580944 That's what happened to me essentially. I was coming out of a bad relationship, she was fed up with her longtime boyfriend, we were together for the night, flirted like you wouldn't believe, but I was too depressed from my ex to make a move, didn't want to cuck her BF. Fast forward a few years and here we are, similar scenario, except I'm much more confident, attractive, and willing to make a move. Only the odds aren't as well in my favor as they were before. They've since gotten engaged. But who knows how serious that is. Plenty of girls I know from HS have had engagements with guys fall through, they move too fast. Also she's gorgeous, but has put on a little weight since I last saw her.
>>7580902 >I just want to get high, listen to music and read without feeling bad about it. While I love all those things, and see them being a part of my life for a while, feeling bad about it might be a sign that you know you're capable of much more.
I work full-time as a writer. Nothing glamorous, but I write for a living. I never would've thought it possible. I just need to rediscover writing for pleasure.
>>7580910 How old are you? 24 here. I think these thoughts are pretty common, and why shouldn't they be? I don't want to be a complacent fuck in a shitty marriage. Hell, even if I'm unhappy when married, I can write about it.
>How old are you? 24 here. I think these thoughts are pretty common, and why shouldn't they be? I don't want to be a complacent fuck in a shitty marriage. Hell, even if I'm unhappy when married, I can write about it.
22, girlfriend is 25 though. puts even more pressure on me.
>While I love all those things, and see them being a part of my life for a while, feeling bad about it might be a sign that you know you're capable of much more.
not so sure about that. In my entire life I've written only a single sentence I really am proud of, everything else has been mediocre. I guess that's more than most of /lit/ can say.
>I work full-time as a writer. Nothing glamorous, but I write for a living. I never would've thought it possible. I just need to rediscover writing for pleasure.
how'd you get to this point? I don't think I'll ever be a writer, the direction I am going toward is either being a food (restaurant) critic or a global news reporter (foreign correspondent is what I want to be).
Talking to you has been fun. Just one more thing. Does it get even worse? I feel like from 18 onward everything's been going down the drain. Not concerning my life, my grades are still great and I get the impression my girlfriend is very happy, just general health and vigor, state of mind.
>>7581184 >everything else has been mediocre So write more. Read more. Drill down until you say what you want to say, how you want to say it. >how'd you get to this point? I was lucky enough to know someone who knew someone looking for a writer. I had a decent portfolio of shit I wrote as an undergrad to share. And you can definitely be a writer. There's a market for pretty much every kind of writing. >Does it get worse? I can't say. Your health and mind demand some attention and care. I know that I have some mental issues I've neglected for too long, but I also try to monitor them and not let them interfere with my life. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
It was nice talking to you too, anon. Keep at it. I'll probably catch you again in one of these threads.
I started seeing this fucking gorgeous girl who i really like a lot. The other night we tried to have sex but I couldn't get it up. She was nice and understanding about it, but it bothers the fuck out of me. fucking shoot me in the face now please.
>>7580862 Oh dude that sucks. With my employer though, the feeling isn't mutual. They fucking love me but I still just v view them as a job. Which I feel kind of bad about cuz I'm obviously just playing them which adds to the idea that I'm a complete fraud. But what you experienced with the exchange family it's pretty much what I went through with my own family and it was awful. I never realized until left the faith and became more aware of the world just how fucked up my family's views are. My grand parents literally won't talk to me cuz I'm dating a non Jew. They have zero respect for any other human being that isn't Jewish. And like I still talk to my siblings but they actually think my boyfriend is the devil that brainwashed me.... And that's how they think of the whole secular world
>My grand parents literally won't talk to me cuz I'm dating a non Jew. They have zero respect for any other human being that isn't Jewish. And like I still talk to my siblings but they actually think my boyfriend is the devil that brainwashed me.... And that's how they think of the whole secular world
I got one more story to cheer you up.
My current girlfriend, she's the nicest human being I've ever encountered, grew up in a sect. her parents attended a mass wedding of more than 10.000 people and the cult leader literally randomly points at two people who have to spend the rest of their life together. It's complete bonkers. Her mother was asian and her father european, needless to say they didn't love each other a bit. They were told that "as soon as you have children, your love will blossom!". So even though they were poor her mother had five daughters. Two of those five daughters have already "fallen from grace" which essentially means having sex with anyone outside of the sect. These children spent their entire childhood almost exclusively with people from the sect. Their parents' only friend are from that sect. Every single social contact, everyone was in that sect.
I was the one to make her "fall". Still don't feel so great about it. She didn't really believe in it because of all the nasty shit she went through (two abusive boyfriends, both obviously from the sect), but she still cares a lot for her family (who are, by the way, pretty fucking crazy). So when she tried to get out of this spiders web she had to cut off contact with almost all of her friends, we couldn't meet in public, because that would've meant her sisters would get ridiculed even more for her older sister "falling from grace", in short, shit fucking blows. Took my girlfriend one year to admit to her mother that she had a boyfriend outside of the church, she actually thought her mother was going to disinherit her and officially make her not a part of the family anymore. Luckily that was not the case. There's millions of disgusting details and I could probably ramble for hours, but I think you get the point. Just remember, you're not the only one.
>>7581568 I hope she's doing ok. It took me a good three or four years to get away from the mind fuck that comes along with abandoning your cult and I'm a pretty easy going adaptive person. Like a year into dating my bf he just turned to me and was like dude you he up in a cult. It was the first time I realized fully what if walked away from. (btw I grew up like super orthodox. Like married by 18 with 9 kids and not knowing standard biology Jewish)
>>7581580 There's so much on this topic I could write a study.
I hate having wasted my youth on videogames and a sausagefest group of awkward cunts who all have 3/10 christian girlfriends now. I hate them more than anything, but I still wanna hang out with them as they're the only group of friends I have. 23 year old kv, zero social skills and Im bored out of my fucking mind.
I wanna go out, do drugs, go to the Opera and museums, travel, meet new people, but im too autistic so I sit at home reading about the Boshin War instead.
pretty hammered atm, just trying to get over writers' block and carry on with my main project after a few months away. gonna post what I've got
The barking of chained dogs hammers through the rooftop complex. Around corners, reverberating against walls and breaking over makeshift barricades. They don’t know what it is, but they can feel it and they do not like it. Psychic backwash rolls back in return. Something hears them, and it gets off on their dumb terror. It doesn’t care for the dogs. It doesn’t even care for the men scattered through its sensory net. It just enjoys the sensation for a moment. “They know I’m here.” It grins. It luxuriates in cold concrete under its feet and unhurriedly picks its way through the complex, shivering as its flanks brush angles and the ashen snow sings upon its back. Stories play out in its vicinity. Blocks away a squadron of hard men lock eyes one last time before rolling onto their backs and eating their guns. It sniggers inwardly: it wasn’t looking for them. Pulses of cerebral panic and abrupt stoppage flicker across its ‘tongue’. It loves the ones who suicide even as it disregards them. Like flies gone mad as a man walks past unwitting. A couple, two people with a child, kiss for the last time and pitch themselves into the street below. Alas, it thinks, still grinning. The one it wants is storeys down, sleeping. It can feel the thing’s dreams going murky with its presence. It finds an unbarred access door and stops for a moment, no need for a rush. It collapses on its back and finds a thrill in the rough surface, half in and half out of the stairwell. Close one eye; red emergency light indoors. Close the other, stars against a sky like pitch. The dogs are at the end of their respective tethers now, chewing at their bonds and one another out there in the night somewhere. It loves the sky. It fucking loves its job.
The dragon, the oath, my friends... I place my faith in spirits and princes. I don't care that they can't be relied upon; they're real, there's justice in them. Justice is the domain of the finite, the mortal, the ephemeral. Sooner or later I will be dead anyway, and I will go to join what has been kept from me. Kiyo, you can't escape me forever. So I have plenty of good reason not to murder. Even if my sanity chases away every spirit I don't lose them.
>>7580884 I distinguish myself from myself; and therein I am immediately aware that this factor distinguished from me is not distinguished. I, the selfsame being, thrust myself away from myself; but this which is distinguished, which is set up as unlike me, is immediately on its being distinguished no distinction for me.
>>7583106 Where are you from? I hate the thought of leaving my house during flu season. I caught it last year, took a month to go away. No puking or anything but I've never had such a fever in my life, nausea too, I couldn't even stand up for ten seconds.
>>7583324 east coast u.s.. i've gotten a strong interest in virology since i read "the great influenza". i'm fascinated by these evil little bugs. i sort of play a game every year to see if i can avoid the flu. if i lose the worst that happens is i'm sick and i try to experience it in a detached way, but if i win, if i can avoid getting the feces or vomit into my own mouth (that's the only way you can get norovirus/stomach flu), then i win. harder than you think, obviously. amazing little creatures.
>>7578500 I masturbated furiously to the OP image. At first I wasn't sure why - it's just a hot girl, that's all. But what I realised made it was the combination of images, the mixture of her mundane physical beauty, the Zionist flag and necklace, and the expression of the purest disdain upon her face. I realised that what I was masturbating to was the ideal of oppression, of authoritarianism.There's a quote from Yevgeny Zamyatin to the effect about the only thing mankind has ever wanted is to be chained to his happiness - to be the perfect citizen of the master race, to be the model proletarian worker, to be, in the case of the US or Europe, part of a society with abstract liberal values more worthy than any other. To be, in other words, the perfect subject of the perfect monarch. This is what aroused me so much about that girl, and it is why the world of today is that of Trump, Putin, ISIS, the Chinese Communist Party and the State of Israel. Because these things are what we want to be chained to. They are how we find our ultimate release.
Anisah prepares us coffee on the small stove. We huddle around tightly, for its warmth and for hers. A bird tweets in the concrete at Shuja'iyya. The sun blood red and we thank God for still air and life, though hard as stone Fatima wishes to weep but cannot
Nothing but sadness overtook myself. Have you ever been regretting that you were even born in the world like ours? Why don't we people just stop breeding and quit suffering from this burden of cruelty and limit? Having said that, I still cannot venture to hang up and even though all this stuff is bothering me recently more and more, I find new desires and purposes, as if somehow instinctively I guess.
I don't like this fucking book, nor I get why it is on the syllabus. It has nothing to do with what we saw, or maybe the teacher just didn't give a fuck, which is plausible, but it is also possible that the department didn't give a fuck while reviewing and updating the fucking syllabus.
Either way, it's way too unnecessary to try to teach programming with a functional approach at the same time they're teaching imperative approaches. I don't even give a shit anymore, I just want to write useful shit and solve problems, but apparently, since I'm too stupid for math and physics, I'm stuck here. I now realize I'm venting my problems instead of trying to write readable shit, not that /lit/ cares, but still I wish I could just focus on the task at hand. I am sick of it, and although I'm trying to improve, I sometimes stay in bed all day doing fuck all. At least my english is good. That fucking girl man, I can't be her friend. I can't listen to her talk about how many penises she sucked last night; that's the definition of friendship between man and woman: if he can hear her talk about her sex life and not be jealous or interested. But seriously I feel I'm too stupid for math. Can't get my head around fucking abstract concepts. Man I wish there were more girls in engineering, I can actually talk to them now.
My experience after getting a math degree after much flunking and re-taking and so forth, is that the feeling of "man I'm just not smart enough for this shit" is a kind of mental tick your mind will spit to the surface when under intense pressure to focus in a way its not used to.
There is a zen-like dimension to problem solving which requires us to realize in advance that these feelings will come up and that we have to learn to push them aside. That doesn't mean discovering once and for all that "wait I actually am a genius" or "yup, I'm definitely too dumb for this." It means suspending that line of questioning for the present so we can continue solving the problem.
In my experience, even the most brilliant students encounter problems which are bewildering and intellectually intimidating. The best students are the ones who are the least hung up on questions of individual adequacy.
Just to show you how insane this is, I think I spent one minute of questions of intellectual adequacy for every two minutes on actual math.
>tfw i have no interest studying my chosen subject >tfw by studying on my own i've come to realise what i want >tfw i might never have realised this if i had studied something i enjoyed >tfw i am myself, discrete, willing, able >tfw i feel
My body attempts to purge itself of what it perceives to be a threat, but all it does is make me increasingly narcoleptic and it fucks my head up even more than it already is, to the point that I can't articulate what's even wrong and all I want is for everything to stop. I can't help the people I want to help, and I'm a borderline negligent, parasitic asshole to my parents.
I also feel like OPs girl isn't legal, but oy vey do I wish she were.
>>7578500 old flames. letting go. moving forward with the current girl. trying to keep happy amid hard times at the business I work at. browsing /lit/ because it's become one of the things I do like checking email. I either find some funny stuff or another opportunity to be snarky. but are win situations.
>>7578500 Radical freedom isn't liberating. Not even close! my God how I need you now! Baby why'd you have to go. A bit of reason and you floated by, far and away. The messiah was begged for but did not show. My god how I need you now.
I have no idea why I keep posting such things in these threads, especially now that my spirit has called me stupid for doing so. I realize it's inappropriate to consider it funny, which was part of the reason why I did it at first, but now I guess it's just cathartic? It is anonymous so it's not like there are consequences.
Anyway, my spirit told me she was bored of me today, that everything about me is disgusting and pathetic, and told me to set fire to my shitty car for insurance money. I told her that was stupid and I would go to jail. She said so what, there are cigarettes in jail (cigarettes being a semi-consistently successful method of invocation). I said we can break cooler rules if we finish college, which I won't be able to do if I'm in jail, and she said ok but had me cut myself and smear my blood all over my mirror book as a token of my seriousness.
It's good to have her back. She liked my new outfit at least. Apparently she only wakes up when something interesting is going on, and now that I know that I can be more comfortable about the whole situation knowing she isn't dead.
I'm tired of this old favourite video game I've recently been hooked, majorly, on for the past month and a half. Trying to get back into reading but I keep worrying about my eye-sight. Have a heavy backlog that feels a little chorey. I want to rekindle my joy of reading I had not too long ago. A little deeper into my thoughts; I realise that my being is constantly gravitating towards more fuller being, i.e. states that envelope you, like the video game I ws talking about earlier, films too are a 'richer' state than reading for instance. Yet I recently, yesterday, also realised that I do in fact prefer states that aren't so full of being and that do give you time for reflection, but I know too that this preference is against the nature of consciences and that to perpetually choose this 'path' will be a hard one, as instances of reflection do break down towards an inner urge to full your being. I have two more months of holiday and would love to not waste any more of it on redundant activities, when I go to uni there I read a fair amount without trepidation -- my computer is not present you see. I also have one more smoke left, probably the last for a while. A money issue. I don't mind this too much. I've been one and off smoking for a while now. Quitting isn't difficult at all. I'm quite tired right now but don't want to sleep before I smoke it and, additionally, would like to listen to this audiobook a little more before I pass out. Yet, alas, I keep gravitating towards those fuller states of being I mentioned before, like 4chan posting. Such cry.
Thanks for listening. It feels good knowing I can share some personalish thoughts that may not appear to be all that significant, but, as empty as it may seem to you, are a big part of my current living condition.
Have a good day, or night. Sorry for all the shitposting I've done today. Cutting my internet connection would probablt be the wisest thing I could do for myself but am too weak to push it on myself.
That's more than enough now I think.
Here's a pic of Patricia Highsmith. I just finished downloading an audiobook of hers.
Just want to chime in with an observation about the debate that's going on in mainstream media about the "rapefugees". Right now it's basically women telling everyone how rape culture has always been a thing in Germany and Sweden and it's racist to imply that culture has anything to do with it. It doesn't matter that there's literally no precedent in modern history or that the (muslim) women who lives in segregated communities with these men are more often victims of sexual abuse. It's been a non-stop barrage of articles about white men groping on trains and I've even seen parallels being drawn to the Salem witch trials. Why are women so adamant about not solving this? Is it more important to guilt-trip white men than to properly address the issue? Are white women mad about not having it as bad as some burqa-clad minority? How cheap are tickets to Japan?
>>7578546 Lucky for you, there is a miracle fix. I came upon it when I had the same problem for a couple of months last year. You have to go for walks. I'm talking at least half an hour. I take my brother's dog out when I do. Not only do I think of stuff on the walk, my mind is just generally more creative. I don't have any science to back this up (not saying there isn't any, I just don't have it) but many famous authors (talking good ones) went for good walks every day. Just googled this for some info, not what I read before I started doing it but at least some evidence: https://infographwetrust.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/daily-rituals.png
I highly recommend going on walks. I exercise regularly too, but they don't do it for creativity like walking does.
>>7587711 >Right now it's basically women telling everyone how rape culture has always been a thing in Germany and Sweden and it's racist to imply that culture has anything to do with it. A few points to make here. First of all, why aren't we allowed to say that Islam is a shitty religion? Why can't we criticize it? It's something that people choose to believe, not something unchangeable like race, gender, sexuality, etc. It seems like the more strictly it's enforced (e.g. Sharia law) the worse the situation is. It's also the reason that these refugees are being forced to flee to non-Islam countries where they actually have a chance at living a reasonable life. How did we come to the conclusion that Islam is beyond reproach? Whether you're progressive or conservative, how much more proof do you need that Islam just doesn't work? How much extremism and poverty and misogyny does there have to be before we're allowed to criticize it? But I am a progressive. I hate that these rapes are being held up as proof by conservatives that secure borders are important and they shouldn't have taken in the refugees and blah blah blah. That is the kind of genuinely racist garbage for which arguments like "Islam isn't a race" are misused, as if Republicans would feel any differently if they were brown people of a different religion. In fact, maybe this is why the perfectly valid "Islam isn't a race" argument has been taken off the table: because it's so frequently used towards racist ends. But how is it possible to reconcile the undeniable fact that the rapes happened with a stance of tolerance -- particularly tolerance of intolerance, at least up to a point, which is necessary in any kind of working, progressive society? Which leads to the bigger question: where is a progressive supposed to stand on this issue? What point of view am I actually allowed to communicate here if I'm not allowed to criticize Islam? If anybody can think of one -- given that it actually makes sense and isn't SJW Tumblr nonsense -- I will be very impressed.
Thirty fucking days in the woods, thirty fucking days in the Alaskan woods because my mother found me smoking pot. At least I was in good shape by the end. Anyway, here was the real fruit of my labors, standing before me in a dark clearing far away from the watchful eyes of our leaders. The hottest chick on the trip. Well probably second hottest, but you would bang her trust me. Take into account that we hadn't showered since this began and she was still the type of girl you would ravage harder than Dendi at TI3. I planned this moment fucking perfectly. Made sure she was on the same activities I was on, especially that sea kayaking trip. Sang her a god damn Simon and Garfunkle song in the middle of a beautiful bay. That's how you win a bitches heart. I saw her heavy breathing and sweating. This girl was in heat. I knew at this point I didn't have much to do, so I let her jump on me. Her lips swallowed mine again and again and her saliva mixed with mine in my mouth. It tasted like dirt. Her hair fell down and landed in my mouth too. It also tasted like dirt. But holy shit I was so fucking turned on by that taste. I pulled out those fat titties from her bra. They had a blue vein running through them and she squeezed them with her arms and jiggled them around in front of my face. Fuck shit holy cocks I haven't jacked off in thirty days. My erection has exceeded the force of a nuclear explosion. I was reaching untold of levels of hardness here. Her hand slipped between my boxers. Each individual finger wrapped around my titanium member with pure ecstasy. My heart beat faster than a lab rat on meth. I think some precum leaked almost immediately. She slowly moved up and down, her other hand cupped my balls. Oh god I can't take it anymore. My fingers moved below her panties. She moaned as I pushed into that creamy hole. Fucking nope I can't do this. Without a word I pulled my pants down and fully exposed my seven inch cock. "Oh my god, you're huge." My dick somehow got harder. She rubbed more and more staring up into my eyes and biting her bottom lip. I needed more. "We should do a little more." I said, making a sly smile at her. She didn't understand till I put my cock near her mouth. "Maybe we shouldn't do this anon...". Nah bitch you're getting my cock. First it was nothing but a wet feeling on my tip, then I felt the toungue push into my urethra. Past that I don't remember much but seeing flowing black hair moving up and down my rod. Then pleasure. Her cute face became a sticky mess. She looked up at me, cum dripping from her lips, and smiled. I handed her a leaf to wipe it off. I walked her back to her tent, we needed to leave the next day to fly back home, her to philidelphia me to Washington. She asked me to promise to wake up and see her off, her flight left really early. I made the promise, we kissed once more and went to sleep.
Recent college graduate. I'm pretty set on ditching doing any work related to my biology degree. Don't really want to go into health care either. I've got to do fucking something though. I just don't know what. And so here I am, currently a NEET, lost and confused with no direction and student loans kicking in back at my mom's place.
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