How can I let loose and discover myself?
I see a lot of people pull off bizarre looks, lifestyles, or attitudes with confidence and comedy at their side.
I have trans feelings, but I have a hard time accepting them.
I can't help help but think it's a phase, but a lot of people have really shined as themselves in this new "phase".
More detailed info on my situation.
>comfortable with genitalia
>had feelings since elementary
>out to everyone
>go out dressing with her often
>posts on /soc/ frequently
>gets rated high often
>i enjoy the compliments but it's more or less to confirm that other people see me as f when in public
>similar to how I choose female accounts in chats
>not to trap or attract, just be comfortable.
another piece about me from another thread
>Have transgender feelings since 8
>become publicly out at 16 to my mom
>get things started at around 19 (present)
>mom keeps thinking it's a phase
>says she doesn't really see it in me
>it starts to get into my head
>well, maybe i don't see it either?
>i'd always liked girly things, played girl characters, drew women, etc.
>but on the outside or as most people know me I was rather masculine, a confident boy
>i didn't dislike being the confident boy
>wonder if this is just a phase..
>could it just be AGP?
I know, even my gf tells me on bad days.
Still, I'm sure it's not impossible to transition subconsciously from wanting attention, or fetish and I have no concrete reason as to why to transition, I guess..
Apologies on this being a first response. It's not that I don't think your situation deserves attention, it's that I doubt it will really get resolved any time soon.
I just want to confirm that these little doubts are very common from what I've read, and in me they were instrumental in preventing transitioning earlier in life. I'll explain how things went for me, and maybe that resonates with you on some level, and maybe it doesn't.
I hated being a boy. I was withdrawn, bitter, and defensive. I was very unreservedly at war with the world.
But I grew up a boy, and despite my prickly exterior, there were people who wanted to get to know me, and they made things bearable. They also made it so I didn't hate everything about my life, so I got to wondering if it was just things about my life I hated, and not necessarily being a boy? They'd come to like that boy, so surely there had to be something to him. Would they still be that positive influence in my life if I were a girl? Would they leave?
I did not come out to my family, or my friends, in my teens. I explained to my psychologist at the time that I was, and had been, really struggling with gender issues, but that I didn't know that I needed to transition - I was still able to enjoy things in life as I was. I followed this up by spending years dismantling the things in my life that brought me pain instead of joy. There were a lot of them, and remaking myself into the person I wanted to be took some dedicated work. I got there.
I was involved with my community. People said that I was handsome, often enough that I felt safe believing it. I was pursuing my artistic passions. I had developed the ability to care deeply about others, and to share my feelings openly and honestly as a matter of course. I was a good friend and ally to LGBT persons and a reasonably aware, if never very brilliant feminist. I was respected and relied upon in my places of work. I did not hate the man I had become. I still felt regret that I had become him instead of a comparable woman.
I tried to live like that for a few more years, but I didn't have anything more I could cling to as the "real" problem. I just needed to transition. And being male-bodied in a life that I wanted to lead as myself was starting to wear down all the joy in that life. It took an ambiguously supportive request from a friend and some incidents wishing I could be killed in a freak accident none of the people I loved could blame themselves for to really give me the push. It was embarrassing admitting I'd gone through so much for so long to get to a point I had tried to run from almost a decade prior. But there I was.
I've got a lot of damage to reverse, and I think the path I took was unnecessarily convoluted and informed by trans-hostile rhetoric and views instilled in me for much of my life. I didn't think I'd taken them to heart, but I surely had.
Your path isn't mine, clearly, but I guess I'd be leery of trying to live as a boy you don't dislike being when you could be a comparable girl you do like being. If it's a phase, don't discount the possibility it's a phase you will be glad to have gone through, or that the you on the other side may well still be a girl. Studies don't suggest common drift in gender identity.
Apologies for the ramble, and good luck finding what works for you.