Hello, I experience massive problems in my adult life because of an event happening in my childhood.
I will leave a few minor details out to better protect my own privacy in this story, but here it goes.
When I was in 9th grade, I was at a sleepover with a long term friend of mine since elementary school, we both went in the same class and was having out fairly often. He asked to masturbate me on this sleepover, being very shocked about this since we both identifies as straight, my immediate reaction was to say no. Later on we watched heterosexual porn as we often do and before jacking ourselves off he wanted to see my erect penis was it was pushing out my boxers, I said okey and showed it to him, he touched it and asked again if he could jack me of, not knowing it was coming and not so much in shock I agreed, he jacked me of without me cunming and I later jacked him of. This continued for a few months at a couple of sleepovers.
At a later sleepover he asked if he could suck me off, and I agreed, we did at this point watch bisexual porn and he was more into gay porn. He did suck me of, I did not cum here either since I wasn’t completely comfortable with it but it wasn’t bad either. I did later also suck his dick without him cumming.
This trend did at a variating degree continue whenever we had sleepovers also at variating rates, and at some point my friend had to “come out of the closet” as a bisexual, ha gathered some of his friends at high school when we had lunch and like an announcement said he was bisexual (years later turned out he was gay, which I found kinda strange since he usually was bitching about girls not liking him when we spoke of things like that both before and after he “came out”)
I found myself a female fuckfriend at high school and don’t have so many sleepovers with this friend anymore. But when we do I don’t really find him attractive and try to avoid such activities but at one point he asked if he could suck my dick without me sucking his back, he just liked it. And I let him and he was very good at it at this point, he let me cum in his mouth and it was a really good BJ. We watch TV and an hour or so later he asks if I could fuck him, since he have never tried it and wanted to, on the account of the good BJ he game me and the fact that I came in his mouth I agree, since I’ve never done it to a guy before either. Since he had a very bad body image of himself he wanted the lights completely of, I wrap my dick and try to put it in him doggy style, but it’s really dark and I’m used to the girl guiding it in so the whole situation gets very awkward and I might maybe have had my dickhead in or by the opening of his anus, didn’t get it in since I was holding most of it in my own hand, so we give up and quit trying it. Keep in mind we have always both of us been very aware that this is private what we do and we don’t share it with anyone. Same went for me and my fuckfriend at the time. This was also the last time we did anything sexual together.
High school is over and I move to another city to study at university, I move with another friend since we’re going to study at the same university and we rent an apartment together to keep costs low when we study. A year goes by and some other friend have come in to the same university and will be studying here too, I get a job and I work at a company with two of what I consider good friends from my original High School.
I tried to keep in touch with my original friend, but since it was always I had had to start a conversation with him and since he didn’t always reply and never started one our friendship grew a part to the point where we didn’t converse too much.
Another year goes by and I get a text message from some random dude I went to high school with, he is still living in my original city, I got this message at 6 AM in the morning and he tells me that my original childhood friend is telling like everybody about what we had done as kids, and that I fucked him. He lists the people he knew the story was told to, including my roommate, and my two colleges. I send him a quick thank you message.
So here is the deal, I’m not “closet” bi/tri/pan –sexual, I am open about it to those who ask me directly, I’m honest about it on parties (after high school) drinking games, trust or dare, I have never and such games, I tell it of course to everyone it’s relevant for, and some of my new friends here know it because I know it because I made out with and later fucked a transsexual I met at a bar once. And I’m not all that into guys, unless they are really, really attractive so that wasn’t to relevant here either, since I’m usually out of league of the guys I find sexually appealing. So I consider myself open about it, I just never made a gathering and announced it like it was something like cancer or something.
4/4 - Really fucked up the numbering
So my issue here is trust, a couple of years have gone by, and the guys I KNOW, know this information of my is being spread behind my back fail to tell me, I live with one of them and work two more, we do shit all the time, we play video games, watch movies together, watch at home, go out and eat and so on. And I work with them 4 times a week! And they don’t tell me! It’s extremely hurtful to me. About half a year after I got to know this information I’ve become very depressed, I think about suicide every week, never actually planned one (other than maybe hydrogen poisoning), but think about the pros and cons of it all the time, sometimes walking out at night hearing a car driving recklessly behind me coming up I hope it will hit me and end it all. I’m being excluded from gatherings and parties back in my home city after was told this information about me, probably because they never know what can happen with me and him at the same place again where I would maybe find out that he has told everyone. And that’s understandable since previously a rational reaction from my might have been violence. And I don’t even know myself, if I’m drunk and it’s announced to everyone what happened or that I KNOW that everyone know I might just grab a knife and stab him, I don’t fucking know, I think about killing myself all the time so why not him?! And the worst part is that I don’t know if anyone know that I know, it’s killing me… Most of my friends in the new city I live in have graduated college and are living in bigger cities where they can find jobs I’m taking a year over, much because this depression has really fucked up my studies. I’m really isolated, keep to myself in my room all the time, I don’t like to talk to people from my previous city anymore.
This is the first time I’ve ever expressed this to anyone, and I do it because I seriously don’t know what to do. Thank you for reading....
From what I've learned and I grew up in a really small town, those people don't matter. Don't care so much about what people think about you...especially those that you don't really care to know and really change nothing. Sorry to hear all that anon. Suicide won't wipe away anything though. You're better off doing drugs first but suicide is never the answer. You can't run forever. Face your fears anon...confront them and conquer them.
I don't really care so much, but I don't know what to do. Like do I tell my friends? Like hey, I known you have lied to my face and plain out broken my trust for 3 years, what kind of friendship will that be afterwards?
And I know suicide won't wipe anything, but it will for sure make me stop thinking and worrying about literary anything.
I've tried drugs, I went to Thailand this summer, did all the things your not suppose to do in poor countries, skydiving, bungee jumping, jet skiing like a fucking maniac, and driving a tiny little scooter with 30 tons trailer drunk as fuck in the streets of Bangkok.
And if I ever did turn to suicide I think this is what I would do, just sell everything I have, skip out on my student loans and just go to a poor country doing drugs and hookers till I died from something.
you should be honest with everyone
with teh original guy and your friends
try not to let carried away by your emotions or to be agressive about it
talking it out will help you work it out
How am I suppose to bring this up? It's extremely weird ting to bring up on the account of them time it has taken, and the fact that no one have said anything. And again, I don't think I want them in my life after this, I work with two of them and live with another.
I won't be speaking to the original on the account that we have not spoken in years, I have many times tried to get in touch again, even after I got to know this without any luck, he is nothing else then an empty vessel on my facebook feed.