I'll preface this by saying that I'd intended to post this in the trans help general, but opted not to because it's 250 pages long or something. The likelihood of whatever I post there getting buried is pretty substantial, imo. So...apologies in advance!
I really don't know if I'm trans or not, or maybe some kind of AGP shitter. I've always felt some degree of disconnect between myself, my body, and the world around me, which is disconcerting in its own right, but it wasn't until a few years ago at the age of 19 when I found out about what being transgender meant that I started wondering. Incidentally, that's when the majority of my inner turmoil really started in.
Having said that, I've been masturbating to the idea of being a woman for as long as I've been masturbating - which is not an inconsiderate amount of time, if I'm being honest. Self insertion is practically the only way for me to get off. Tying into that, I honestly don't know if I'm attracted to women, or if I'm somehow enthralled by the idea of BEING them. An unhealthy amount I what I feel to be envy is also involved.
Before anyone says it, no, I'm not a breeder. My sexuality is a wholly separate can of worms that I'm not going to open unless someone REALLY wants to know.
Anyway, having said all of that...it kind of sounds like I might actually possibly be trans, or AGP, or even both. But ask me in tomorrow, or even in a few hours, and I'll feel completely differently - almost like I'm an entirely separate person.
I think more than anything is that the lack of knowing for sure who or what I am is the worst part of all of this. Living in a conservative area wherein I just don't have access to resources and therapy certainly doesn't help. Neither does being in essence homeless, but...ugh. I'll shut up now. Thanks for reading.
First, I would encourage you to join us on /agpg/
It's difficult to help you, because a lot of us have the same troubles. For me in particular, these are painfully familiar
>Having said that, I've been masturbating to the idea of being a woman for as long as I've been masturbating Self insertion is practically the only way for me to get off.
>I've always felt some degree of disconnect between >I honestly don't know if I'm attracted to women, or if I'm somehow enthralled by the idea of BEING them. An unhealthy amount I what I feel to be envy is also involved.
you wonder if your "straightness" is actually some perverse obsession with being girls you find attractive and isn't actual sexual attraction?
It's really difficult to help you honestly because I don't even know what to say. If you would like to see what has happened to me, feel free to read http://pastebin.com/jm4sTUif
Regardless, I'm assuming you're around 22. The one thing I can tell you is that If you think you're starting to lose your hair at all, you should try to get prescribed finasteride as soon as you can, or order it online. I'm 99% sure that you would find it upsetting to start losing your hair.
You may also like to take a trial period of hormones, to see. Apparently it clears things up for many people, although after 2.5 months, I am just about as confused as ever.
You may want to try a therapist too, although you would probably want to find one with a PhD and a very open mind. Therapists have not helped me at all, but I could just be unlucky.
What I will say is that....it's probably not going to go away. Will it lessen or will you find a way to live with it? Maybe. But basically, if you're going to make a decision based on the hope that it will just magically go away, don't.
Also that girl is trans right?
Thanks for sharing your experiences anon, but unfortunately I can't say that our experiences are really all too similar. If I ever see another /agpg/, I'll be sure to stop by and check it out, though.
>you wonder if your "straightness" is actually some perverse obsession with being girls you find attractive and isn't actual sexual attraction?
Not exactly. Like I said, my sexuality is really a clusterfuck of weird fantasies and tastes and a heaping helping of confusion. And, as before, I'm opting to avoid talking about it.
>Regardless, I'm assuming you're around 22.
>The one thing I can tell you is that If you think you're starting to lose your hair at all, you should try to get prescribed finasteride as soon as you can, or order it online.
Close, I'm 23. But insofar I haven't noticed any kind of balding. I do have a rather large forehead, though, and that in its own is probably the one part of my body that I have the biggest problem with. Really, any kind of masculine feature annoys me. Thankfully I don't have many of those, or at least I think I don't.
As far as hormones go, I've been wanting to use them since all of this started. I tried ordering Spiro and estradiol from IHP, but the bank blocked the charge, and I've been too scared/Jew to try again. This is especially true now that IHP requires a prescription, and they don't take MasterCard. Neither does ADC, come to think of it.
Having said that, I've dabbled in herbals. I never saw any changes - because herbals don't actually work - but the placebo effect of pretending they did actually helped to alleviate some of the pressure. That might be an indicator that I'm full-blown trans, I don't know.
>You may want to try a therapist too, although you would probably want to find one with a PhD and a very open mind.
I want to, desperately, but like I said before in the OP, I live in a very conservative area, so there are zero therapists here that have any experience dealing with gender related issues.
2/2 because I hit the character limit.
I COULD look into a therapist specializing in sexual issues, but I don't know of anyone that has seen them for gender issues. They kind of go hand in hand, maybe? Hopefully someone here has some insight.
But it's all moot anyway. I'm practically homeless; the only reason I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in is out of the kindness of my friend's heart. And unfortunately, I can't turn to my parents for help; not because they're not supportive, mind you, but they are in no position to help financially. I still have a sister that lives at home, so I don't want them to have to dole out money they need.
I had no issue with ADC and Ally bank a couple months ago.
online therapist? some will do skype, although my insurance doesn't cover that apparently. if you don't have insurance then it doesn't matter
>I know there is a thread exactly for this
>But they won't pay attention to me there
>too bussy dealing with the exact reason someone would enter that thread
you seem to have an ego problem first.
then you sound sort of trans, it's not our call. you have to sit down and deeply think, even if it sounds stupid and your internal/external /pol/ has a fast and clear answer, "am I a woman".
because thet's the big issue. you're not trans, you're trans when you identify as the other gender.
Mm, less of an ego problem, and more of a not wanting to get buried and ignored amidst whatever else is being discussed problem. It's happened before.
But anyway, I've spent the better part of my life trying ignore and repress, so really I don't know which little voice inside my head is actually mine anymore. Part of me screams one thing, another part screams something else, if that makes sense.