ITT: Horror...from the IT DEPARTMENT
The best stories you have from your time fixing people's computers.
I'll start with a mediocre one from today.
>CEO's secretary comes by (not a qt)
>"PANIC PANIC CEO CANNOT ACCESS EMAILS EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG"
>I start running
>get there, CEO is in a furious rage
>"WHY WON'T THIS DAMN THING WORK, I HATE COMPUTERS"
>go into outlook
>see "Work Offline" is turned on
>turn it off
>emails start flooding in
>praise for clicking a button
why would that be a horror?
I wish I had a bullshit job like that, but no, I have real issues.
>oh but look, my my, everyone is retarded except me
yeah ok we get it they're retarded and being the CEO and you're the non-retard in IT.
sorry not everyone has over 500 hours installing gentoo OP.
>this very importabd tv channel exwcutive cant access our daylies streaming server, call her immediatly
>cant figure out why it's not working in ie, tell her to access the hp with firefox
>help her to bookmark the page in firefox
>she is cool with it, asks me how to make firefox her default browser
I also went drinking.with clients from munich so it.was a very good day overall.
>lowly employee with only /g/ browsing tech experience
>asked to fix computer after files wont download
>install avast and malwarebytes
>fixes shit, rids computers of keyloggers and abbundance of malware
>but somehow lose connection to sales computers and exchange server
>boss puts me on probation for losing connection
Not IT, but
>start to work in legal department at the town hall
>get told to map all the legal / financial risks of the agreements they have
>start looking through the financial records and such
>mfw I find out they have 50 people who can almost freely spend the governments budget up to 100k a year per person
>each year people switch posts or jobs so contracts that they are responsible for just passed on to other people who have no idea what it's about, contracts disappear in the archive without any means to find it back or continue on endlessly because no one is responsible for it
>each department has it's own debt collection agency
>there are pieces of land where nobody is collecting rent over because the guy who was responsible for that switched jobs
>the people responsible for the market and such use no written contracts at all
>guy in charge of the building new real estate refuses to show his contracts
>list goes on forever
This is your tax money ladies and gentlemen.
I posted this in another IT horror thread a few weeks back, I'll even use the same picture
>Work as lowly tech troubleshooting cisco IP phones for companies too lazy to manage their own networks, so they outsource it to our company
>My job mostly involves talking to sales people and middle management from travel companies about why their phone won't work or why they aren't allowed to call back certain "toll free" numbers. Hint: Those aren't toll free numbers, those are scammers from the Caribbean trying to get you to call back so they can commit toll fraud
>Sometimes I hop into a router and tell the tech guy onsite to plug the phone into another switchport, because the one they have is on the wrong vlan.
>Sometimes we order new phones, phone numbers for these companies.
Anyway, here's my story.
>Get a call one day requesting that we order a block of 50 new numbers for this travel company
>The caller is the VP of telecommunications, a frigid bitch in her 50's with no sense of humor
>Looked up her Linkedin photo once, she resembles a potato with a hooknose.
>Place order, tell her it will be a week for us to get the numbers
>a week passes
>I call her up to let her know the numbers are ready to be used. The next three digits after the area code are 666
>She tells me this is unacceptable
>"I won't have people dialing Satan to reach my company"
There's also the guys who called in to have a phone set up with the name "Son of God" on it. No idea why.
Oh, and here's a voicemail that I received on my phone recently. Some of the numbers we acquire may have had... checkered pasts, sort of you might change your number and then get harassed by bill collectors looking for the person who had that number last.
>work at an IT store
>qt euler's constant girl comes in
>shows me her laptop won't display youtube vids and stuff
>"have you tried googling it?"
>she says no
>take a look
>start updating adobe flash player
>15 minutes remaining
>there's noone else in the store
>she looks at me from time to time
>looks away when I look at her
>doesn't say anything
>neither do I
>13 minutes remaining
>run to the back to fix some printer
>come back in 15', press finish and tell it's done
>go to the back and remember the adobe reader pasta
>fucking kpmg partner in his 50s
>irritating whore secretary in her 30s
>helpdesk request every month
>mouse not working
>brings double A batteries
>"you mean we have to change batteries every month?"
>>there's noone else in the store
>>she looks at me from time to time
>>looks away when I look at her
>>doesn't say anything
>>neither do I
why not just tell her its updating and to come back in 15mins?
or chat with her a bit and got her number?
>Emo christfag neighbour has shitty toolbars on his google chrome,firefox and internet explorer.
>Tells me he can't access the google with all 3 browsers cos the toolbars has it set to some other shit site.
>Remove the toolbars,tell him not to install shitware.
>He says he didn't install any spyware
>Has some chink video viewing malware ridden piece of shit called funshion on his com.
>He said toolbars were there suddenly one day.
>Told him it was the funshion crap and toolbars don't magically install themselves.
>After removing them,told him he could have done it himself.
>Says he's not a "tech expert" so he can't do it.
>bait this obvious
>people replying and getting mad
>REALIZE THAT APPLE HAS A PROGRAM WHICH ALLOWS YOU TO SUCK YOUR OWN DICK
>PAY 20000000000 DOLLARS FOR IT
>BUY M AC PRO00O TO RUN IT
>TETHER MAC PR0- TO A CHAIN AND SLAM IT AROUND LIKE A GIANT MACE
>SCREAM JOHN MADDEN F00TBALEJOHN MADDEN F00TBALEJOHN MADDEN F00TBALEJOHN MADDEN F00TBALEJOHN MADDEN F00TBALEJOHN MADDEN F00TBALEJOHN MADDEN F00TBALEJOHN MADDEN F00TBALEJOHN MADDEN F00TBALEJOHN MADDEN F00TBALEJOHN MADDEN F00TBALEJOHN MADDEN F00TBALE
>FART IN HAND
Wow you're funny. Probably best for you to not ever post again
>I've always liked computers, nothing special at sixteen
>sitting around dinner table
>brother starts bringing up how he thought I deleted his saves on playstation, because the retard just happens to have fucked them all up around the time my parents bought me my first laptop
>nobody is smart enough to know those things have nothing to do with each other, get mad at me
>trying to explain, make it even worse
>LOL YOU THINK UR A HAXX0R ANON
>can't take it anymore, I'm looking from side to side, swearing profusely
>go to my room
>come out with laptop
>take the baked podado of my brothers plate, wiping the shit eating grin of his face
>WHERES YOUR PODADO NOW, DEAR BROTHER
>make eye contact as I slowly shove it up my ass, and waddle into living room
>connect laptop to ps2
>they all stare in silence as I gloriously format it and install horse
>jump onto the table while horse finishes up, take a squatting position
>fire podado out of my ass canon at 1000000000000mph
>the atmosphere catches on fire and the earth is destroyed from the friction of podado
>be le hapy IT man
>woman come to office
>hell o please be helping
>what is problem FUCK
>compuetrs arent going!
>let me hack the mainfraim
>shove keyboard down pant
>fart in hand
10/10 bretty gud
now this i can get into.
>working on a laptop for a client
>making backups before reinstalling window
>folder named HUGE FUTA COCKS
>drop pants, cover my chest in icy hot and let the breeze caress my testicles
>open folder, set to slideshow
>all becomes silent
>my dog comes to lick my testicles as I have trained him
>suddenly I am one with the dog, our minds have melded, he can see HUGE FUTA COCKS and I can taste my testicles and hear people talking from a block away
>greatest day of my life
>nothing could get better in this moment
>fart in hand
>cry tears of joy
thank you for saving the thread.
lets stay ontopic now.
>the year is 2030
>28 years after the great podado friction apopolplypse
>only movie left on earth is sharktales
>a relic of a greater past, as the crumbling roman roads and aquaducts were to pre medieval peasants
>religions form around it, study is devoted to what these past people must have been like
>we all live in abandoned scorched buildings
>a single power plant has been resurrected in new york
>a rare working computer is connected
>power button is pressed
>millions gather around waiting in silent awe
>the masses break out into rage
>DEVIL HORSE JOHN MADD3N F00TBALE
>TACKLING EACHOTHER AND MASTURBATING
>THE MASSES STOP MID PANIC
>sacrifices are made to horse god from that day forward, in the name of sharktales
>all surviving sharktales memorabilia is hoarded and hidden away under a shrine to horse
>some people are still not convinced horse is all life
>start secret meetings discussing why horse is a false belief
>groups become large enough to be noticed, pesecution grows, tension grows in the streets, neighbor against neighbor
>some begin leaving the city of HORSE (formerly ny)
>eventually there are two factions, horse and sharktales traditionalists
>war is broken out over horse, the catacombs of holy sharktales are raided
>most sharktales merchandise is destroyed, thousands are killed
>fart in hand
>feels good man.png
Had a remote nurse that gave me shitloads of problems from the day I was hired. I remote into her PC and its shitted up with third party desktop widgets like weatherbug. tons of web browser toolbars, WoW icon on the desktop, etc. I remove all that garbage and she wrote a dozen page long emails to the CEO of the company how they were necessities.
He ignored her, so she refused to use her computer. Billing dept let me know that we hadn't received any info from her in 6 weeks, so I contact her. She claims she can't log into the system, password has been changed or something. I look up the password on record and it works fine. Its the same pass she had written down. Walked her through the password letter by letter and it magically worked with me there. She claimed that she must not have pressed the keys hard enough.
Also recently interviewed potential technicians and one kid with a BS in MIS and 4 years in the Navy tell me that he's had a lot of trouble with "Westgate" hard drives.
> me ten years ago
>have ok computer
>brother wants to play pong
>fuck can barely run it
>2 much lag, keep getting noscoped
>AN IDEA COMES
>go to fridge
>put in raid
>celery absorbs things up the shoot
>stick on processor to absorb heat, is cheap cooling method, because only one celery per core
>overclock processor to 40Ghz
>pong faster than has ever ponged befor
>brother is kill
>banned from computers forever by obomb himself
I'll come back to these threads after the Summer. I'm going to be in ..... the IT DEPARTMENT then, as an apprentice. But meh, it'll only be for 2 years. Then I'll go to college for computer science, bitch!
>The largest methodist church in the my country buys a support contract from us which includes me going there for weekly checks.
>IT Admin is lazy.
>Tracing network cable from unlabeled lan point to switch to figure out which port its connected to.
>Pull out lan cables 1 by 1 to see which is the one while running ping 18.104.22.168 -t
>IT Admin sees me running ping -t and asks me whats that.
>I said its to ping google continously until its cancelled.
>He said won't that mean that google will block my ip as it's constantly "attacking" google?
Not really IT department but here goes.
>Bring laptop to class to take notes, type at moderate speed
>Classmate thinks I'm a hacker because he always sees me with it.
>Dude hits me up and says he needs to some help.
>Say sure, let's go get food, pick me up
>He picks me up and I order food.
>He brings his laptop and asks me to hack his girlfriend's fb
>Ask him if he at least knows her fb email
>He gives it to me
>Her security question is town she was born in, it was same town he was from.
>Log him into fb, he scrolls through it.
>He starts browsing while I wait for food to arrive
>He starts getting visually angry
>He starts telling me she was cheating on him with a married man
>He starts sobbing
>My food arrives
>he still has to drive me home
I never saw him again, he never showed up to class again, never knew where he lived.
>using a basic function of you OS
The technology keeps advancing but people are getting worse aren't they.
I remember my bigger cousin always playing on his Amiga with his sister.
He doesn't even do anything IT related or did.
I once had to clean audit my (soon to be ex) boss' computer to figure out what he was doing at several shady sites, and why he used so much more bandwidth than the rest of the staff. I think they already knew (I mean what we saw in the firewalls was pretty telling), but still, having to tell your boss' boss that your boss seemed to be spending most of his day locked in his office jerking off to gay bondage porn was awkward. I let the movies and pictures which filled most of his hard drive do the talking.
They say a picture is worth more than a thousand words, but a video of one man in leather fisting another one who's tied face down on a table/wrack speaks many, many more. Especially when played on a laptop in your boss' boss' office, the sounds of the fisting, along with the grunts and filthy banter coming through a tinny dell laptop speaker.
Arch without customization after a fresh install of a DE.
This is how Windows looks like.
>smoker brings in a computer to get fixed
>imagining what horrors lie inside
Before I had worked at my highschool's IT department:
>Girl's CRT screen was nearly unreadable, all squished horizontally (16:9 resolution on 4:3 screen)
>She gets help from IT
>Fat neckbeard student tech comes
>He Starts messing with the monitor buttons
>Sits there for 5 minutes trying to make it look better
>Me: "Dude, can't you just change the resolution"
>"What? That's not the issue kid"
>"Yes it is, want me to show you?"
>"Go ahead, it won't work"
>I proceed to right click on the desktop, click Display Resolution, change resolution to something 4:3
>Screen looks pretty much perfect
>Girl: "Thanks Anon!"
>Me: "No Problem!"
>Student Tech: "Piss off, this isn't your job"
>Me: "Whatever, I helped fix it"
I swear he's hated me since, and the Facebook convo I had with him about some stupid shit later showed he had a crazy superiority complex. I'm glad he graduated before I got into that student tech program.
>year of our emperor 2011
>work as a college IT technician
>on Fridays I work in a computer repair shop the the campus grounds with another technician
>Some guy with a chubby wife comes in with a laptop
>"anon my laptop is running really slow ect.."
>come back in 2 hours m8...
>open up the laptop
>run a av scan
>look at the infected directory ...
40GB of gay and scat porn.
>do a defrag and clean the registry, get it up to a usable state
>they come back
>his wife look as me with eyes full of joy
>"so is everything alight with my husbands computer ?"
>yeah ... sure .. just a virus
> her husband winked and smiled at me
mfw I found out he is a PE teacher at a primary school near me
>work in IT department of a college (fuck it, easy money)
>most of the shit I deal with is just bullshit from baby boomers not understanding technology
>at least once a day, get a call
>"Anon, can you come help me please, the computer's playing up."
>walk the 5-10 minutes to go across campus from where I am
>"See, anon, I was just acting normal and this happened!"
>class full of kids waiting there, staring, talking bullshit
>teacher and teacher's assistant (fuck that guy, he's my age, he should know this shit) standing looking pissed off
>it's a message window
>"Blah blah blah are you sure you want to continue?"
>Teacher: "Boy, we sure are lucky to have you here, I would never have guessed that!"
>no hint of sarcasm
I tell them to just read the message next time, and I still have the same people with this same shit day after day. It's like everyone is my fucking mother.
Similar but in medicine.
>5 old kid came to the ER
>looks like DKA
>treatment, gets better
>ask the mother, about the insulin
>she said she stopped injecting it.
>her: my kid doesn't need it any more.
>me: … Mrs anon, your kid has diabetes, the insulin is..
>her: don't tell me what to do, I know my kid better than you do.
>she takes the kid out.
>me 10 years ago
>have OK Computer
>brother wants to listen to Paranoid Android
>I say he's Lucky I do too
>start playing it
>get so lost in the music I don't realise the track has changed to Karma Police
>suddenly snap out of it to hear my dad shouting at me to "TURN THAT SHIT DOWN"
>reply "sorry, for a minute there, I lost myself, I I lost myself"
>praise for clicking a button
just accept it OP, its the most you'll get from people
>"I won't have people dialing Satan to reach my company"
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> Come into work after dentist.
> Jaw still half numb, can only half-speak.
> Witness PANIC PANIC EVERYWHERE
> Component Froufrou of project Rougecroissant doesn't fragrange the dansmoinx since this morning!
> Furious debugging while shouting half-intelligible answers to my Chief like I'm Stallone.
> Find problem.
> Turns out I removed a needed line while refactoring yesterday.
> oh well, shit happens
> Good thing we're using GIT.
>be me working in college computer lab
>be browsing reddit becauce can't browse 4chan in public
>its during finals week
>computer lab open 24 hrs
>one person is using mac computer
>all mac computers turn off
>apparently IT does not have program to manage all mac computers
>so all mac computers automatically turn off during normal closing hours
>one person was working on their final grad paper and saved her paper to the desktop
>she turns on computer
>paper is gone
>I try my best to find if ms word saved a copy of paper
>check all folders and files, etc
>I get yelled at, she starts almost crying
>storms off from computer lab
>all because school is too cheap to give IT program for mac to manage multiple computers
>also too cheap to use program to automatically save files on desktop
>no one told me all computers would just turn off
>it wasn't even my shift, I was covering someone else because its easy money and work
I miss that job, I got paid to mostly browse reddit and 4chan depending on which computer lab I was in
I felt really sorry for her, but she was a fucking idiot for not backing up her shit in the fucking network drive where her paper would have been safe and sound regardless of a restart.
Not believe people working on these fucking papers some don't even save a file in the first place
It's pink, then switches to blue.
Don't be a child.
I was fired from my IT internship in march, they told me they wanted someone with more experience who could work independently. I was only there for three weeks, and had trouble adjusting since the company was very anal about everything.
still though I was fired right after I had finished imaging all the pc's and laptops they had. Apparently I was fired because I "destroyed" equipment. A printer I had taken out of the box came up with a machine failure and wasn't working days prior
I had just graduated and only had one internship prior of work experience. I was just wondering from your pov what went through my boss's head
>working at a repair shop around 2006
>old man brings his tower in for repair
>he seems to have trouble following conversations
>not even stuff about computers just like "When did you buy this?"
>"HUH? When what?"
>He's clearly a bit senile
>we cut straight to the point and ask him what's wrong
>he manages to understand, and says he bought some new speakers
>they weren't working
>he flips the tower around to revel a phillips screw sticking out of the audio jack
>he bought a new pair of speakers, stripped the output cable, and tried wrapping the wires around the screw like a ham radio