>Make my self a bagel and lox >Black roomate starts throwing a fit, IDGAF >set this shit on my desk >leave the room to take a leak >finishing washing my hands >walk out of the bathroom >nigger's on my desk >plate is face down on the floor >Have to clean off hairy salmon Fuck him
>Decide to cook spaghetti bolognese with housemate >He puts the ground beef in the microwave >I ask "how long before it defrosts" >He says "It's not frozen, it's just easier to cook it in the microwave
>live with 360+ lb hamplanet >she claims to be anorexic >catch her gorging herself on snacks and pizza >whatever, i guess >food starts disappearing, knows she's stealing >planet leaves a bowl of ramen broth on her desk >its my bowl and spoon >it sits there for a week and grows mold in front of her face, she refuses to clean it >mfw i have to dig my fingers into mold >mfw she just sits there on facebook, munching on more shit >mfw when she moved out, she threw rotten food and broken glass on my bed and covered it with my blankets
If my cat looks interested, I break off a small piece of whatever I'm eating and hold it out in my hand for him. Sometimes he'll eat it, sometimes he'll just give it a pity lick before walking away. His favorites are deli meat, mayo, whipped cream, and tortilla chips.
>roommates are two fat sisters >run through the house keeping me up all night >puke all over their beds if they overeat >so fat they they occasionally shit outside of their toilet on accident >don't even pay rent >think I am God for giving them occasional tuna water so it's ok
>getting a drink from the fridge >brown fatass roommate sneaks in (I swear, you can't see that fucker until she's right beside you) >leans on me and buries her face in my side >"...what exactly do YOU want?" >starts slapping me >every fucking day >unclenches her hands so she's hitting me with her fingernails, which she sharpens for like, two hours a day >won't leave until I give her some ham
>live with two negros >every time I cook up fried chicken they crave it so bad they try to jump in the oil while the chicken is cooking >won't eat the healthy shit I buy specifically for them, only junk >at night when I try to sleep they run around the apartment screaming at each other >if I try to close my bedroom door at night they literally beat the door down demanding to come in
I take solace in the fact that I rescued them from a cruel fate, though.
>Roommate 1 is a grossly obese white kid >Roommate 2 is an older brown guy >Old guy is a picky asshole, have to keep special food in the fridge for him even though he usually refuses it >Obese kid is even fucking pickier, no idea how he manages to stay so fat when he turns his nose up at everything >Kid has a weird obsession with yogurt though. He always asks if he can lick my container when I'm done. It wouldn't be as weird if he didn't make me hold it for him while he did it. >One day I come home and see the old guy tucking into a bowl of something >Know for a fact that Fatty DingDongs refuses to eat any sort of food like that >Fatty keeps shoving the old guy out of the way anyway and pretending to eat his food just to be an asshole >mfw now I have to lock Fatty in the bathroom while Gramps eats and he cries like a bitch the whole thime
>>5742371 I hear you man, I also live with two negros. >skinny ass bitch follows me around the house all day, asking me for things >obese old man is always either trying to sleep in my bed, or eating everyone else's food. If I try to keep him from eating skinny bitches food, he yells at me. I also occasionally wake up to find him watching me while I sleep. >skinny bitch has to micromanage everyone in the fucking house, CONSTANTLY. They're lucky I put up with their black asses.
You guys have it easy. I live in a republic with 10 roomates. Okay, it's big as hell (huge old mansion) but oh well.
>skinny, super tall blonde schizo dude >zones out while staring at people, talks to himself in the middle of the hallway >won't eat if there's anyone in the same room >has an obsession with breadcrumbs, licks the counter if there are any
>fatass old hag >thinks all the food in the house belongs to her >slaps everyone, cusses like a sailor whenever someone gets close to her plate >she's so obese from stealing food that she cannot wash herself properly, constantly smells of cheetos >have to help her take showers every now and then
>skinny black girl >came from a poor background, has hoarding issues >refuses to let anyone throw away food cartons, cans and everything before eating every last drop/piece >I've caught her picking stuff from the trashcan a couple times, even though there's plenty of food
>shy young guy >rips open packages, eats small portions of everything
The others are pretty chill. We eat together most of the time, we're like a big family. >then the old hag comes in running and slapping everyone
>other roommate has vitiligo >skinny and super god damn pretty but would never fuck her (not my type) >dat hip sway when she walks tho >on the floor drawing maps next DnD campaign >forgot to eat dinner >fuck it, granola bar >delicious crunchy peanut butter coated goodness >laying on floor copying layout of random tavern for dumbass PCs to ruin, no doubt >roommate walks up to me >she can smell the peanuts in my granola bar, and she glares at me >walks into the room and steps onto my map >"hey, what are you doing" >bends over and inhales deeply, eyeing my granola bar >takes a big fucking bite >wtf >I've barely seen her eat before, much less out of my hand >she starts licking it >mfw her desparation for peanut butter overrides her usual prudish attitude >I let her have the rest and she just keeps licking it, occasionally looking me in the eye >eventually gets bored and leaves >the granola bar is intact, but I don't really want to eat it now >decide to make real dinner, fatass brown roommate comes in while I'm cooking and harasses me again
She's actually asleep next to me right now even though I'm not dtf. Guess she just doesn't care about personal space- feels good tho, she makes really cute sounds when she sleeps.
> get home from work > roommates (Two, a chill red haired dude and a sort of clingy female roommate) > tired so I lay down in bed after taking off my shoes > roommates come in > sit on the bed/near me > don't even ask how my day was or talk to me before asking me if I'm going to make dinner tonight '
> wake up in the morning toe find my female roommate laying there staring into my eyes > fall her a Creek and push her away > male roommate sticks his head in and says 'Oh hey you're up, are you going to make breakfast soon?' > TFW would rather wake up to him in my bed but he's been sleeping on the couch in the living room lately
> female roommate takes a shitload of time in the bathroom and always makes a fuckton of noise doing god knows what >male roommate has this weird habit of bursting out of the bathroom and running around the house afterwards.
> every time I take a shit they suddenly want to know where I am and hang out
> can't close a fucking door in this place without them asking why I need to do it > every time I go for a snack my malenroomate asks what I'm making and wants some too > he just had been on a diet for like a year and the only reason he's at a good weight now is because I just refused to make the shit food he wanted and he was too lazy to make it for himself
Also the two of them like me but they fight a lot and usually over stupid shit like who gets to sit next to me on the couch or if one thinks I've been paying more attention to the other.
>mfw people remember bad things that once temporarily inconvenienced them >mfw it bothers them so much they go online and tell the story >mfw human beings are scientifically engineered to enjoy suffering, so much so that they will revisit depressing events in their life multiple times >mfw I'm just like what da fuk evvs bro >mfw my cousin derrick and I laugh over a beer, as we talk about giving dad or uncle steve blow jobs when we were in boy scouts
>have an insanely overweight roommate >making pancakes one morning, go to sit at the bar and eat them >room mate walks over, dragging herself across the bar >puts his face into my food, bites a pancake and knocks it onto the floor >runs off to eat it in MY room
>Move into apartment with new roommates >Rule that we wont eat each other's food >I buy cheese sticks >I notice a day later its been opened and a stick is missing >Assume maybe I ate one and forgot. >More keep dissappearing >I ask my roommates if they ate them >They say no >Figure maybe Im imagining >With only 3 sticks left (I did eat some myself) I keep an eye on them >Indeed, one did disappear >I ask my roommates again, they say no again, one of them gets pissy about it
So either one of them is lying, or one of their friends is raiding our fridge. Either way is annoying
It takes a lot to rustle my jimmies, but what I don't understand about my possessive roommate is why he'll go and eat everything that isn't his that he can get his hands on when it makes his stomach so upset that he gets explosive diarrhea.
And then he has the gall to not clean it up. If he would keep it all in the toilet it wouldn't be such a burden, but no, of course not.
I'm thinking about saying something, but he tends to yell when he gets upset and my quiet roommate won't back me on it...
>make a turkey sandwich >mulatto roommate wants a bite >i tell him to fuck of and eat dicks >i set the sandwich down to move 2 feet for a glass of water >fucker dives right in and eats some turkey >I put the asshole in a bag and spun him around over my head like a helicopter >he threw up in the bag Faggot got what he deserved
>>5743113 Omfg seriously use violence especially with violent people that is all they understand.
You don't need to be a skilled marital artist or even bigger and stronger. The key to successful violence is striking first and striking hard.
Walk up and confront them calmly and when they start yelling, smile at them and give them a nice jab to the throat/solarplex. If you are worried about doing serious harm, knock/push/throw them down and grip their neck tightly but not tight enough to crush throat. When you are gripping throat tightly, explain to them the error of their ways.
Again, the key is to strike first, strike fast and strike hard. Do not give them a chance to react. Be cunning and deceitful if you need to get close. Smile, act friendly, pretend to be sorry and calm them down. Half of it is in the approach.
>>5743140 Normally I would call a person like this out, but you seem to know what you are talking about. Do you mug people or something? Have you been to prison? Have you ever raped someone to display your dominance?
>have fat roommate >buy some snacks, leave them on the table and sealed in their little bag >come back after a few minutes >bag torn to shreds >roommate sitting on the fucking table and eating my fucking snacks >gives me the smuggest look on earth fuck that bitch
>sleeping >roommate starts getting cozy with me >what the fuck roommate >starts cuddling me while I'm trying to sleep >gotta use the bathroom but can't move because of roommate cuddling me >he gets up about 10 minutes later leaving his hair everywhere >I get up to use the bathroom >roommate has puked in 3 different spots >is trying to open up a bag of snacks but can't >open up bag of snacks for him
>new roomate >cute as fuck, brunette, beautiful eyes, a little on the heavy side, always smiling >come home from work >garbage all over the fucking place >empty chip bags >shes in my room, laying in my laundry >what the fuck she's been rolling in it >she looks up at me, stops as she'd been chewing on my underwear >what the fuck
>>5743219 She would, she's mean. She only meows when she knows someone's in the kitchen and that the only exercise - getting up and laying down. We've tried diets, she's immune apparently. Her sister is just as fat
>>5743261 She doesn't care for them, we've tried that too. She also just likes to smash her sister in the face and takes snacks from right in front of her if she doesn't eat them fast enough. She's a menace to the communal housing unit here among species that dwell in the unit
>Live with middle aged white guy who always wear a tux. >He's always yelling at me. >Wants to know what kind of food I'm eating, goes so far as to sit on my lap til I offer him my plate. >He likes to sit on the sink and watch me cook, but wont get any closer. >Demands shit like tuna water, milk, and anything not his own food. >He is right up in my shit every time I open the fridge, and feels a need to comment on everything in there. >He enjoys having me whip him with feathers.
>staying at another place to take care of everything while the actual owners are on vacation >two roommates >unable to feed themselves even though they are hunting regularly >white old guy from Spain constantly mocks the younger grey haired (coloured?) girl and steals her food >separate them when I feed them and leave >come back two minutes later witnessing the cracker opening the door to the younger one, beating her and stealing her food even though he already gets double her portion >throw him outside
>>5743452 You also have a roommate that wears a tuxedo all the time? I thought I was the only one! Why is this a thing?
>Dicing up ham for a pizza >Put an upside down bowl on top of ham slices, so that my roommate can't see it if he comes in the kitchen >Leave kitchen for a few minutes to do something >Come back >Roommate is on the counter eating my ham!
He also tries to steal my other roommate's food, so she has to eat in a separate room. She's a small middle-aged woman with gray hair.
I know these are all cat stories but I need to vent. Roommate 1 only uses disposable paper plates and cups, and only eats potato rolls, pre packaged deli meats, and grilled cheese sandwiches from his sandwich maker. He's never touched the oven. He recoils at the sight of peanut oil in natural peanut butter and can't comprehend how it could ever be good. He also drinks shitton of apple juice and milk, and has milk breath all day. I can't imagine what his shits are like.
Roommate 2 is no better. He's 300lb and all I ever see him eat are frozen personal pizzas and TV dinners. He eats out every other meal.
I really don't understand how anyone can be so retarded, it's unfortunate because I've seen their parents and roommate 1 must have grown up with it but roommate 2's parents know how to cook, he's just a dirtbag.
>have 3 ginger siblings for roommates. >girl is completely chill with rare exceptions >the 2 brothers bicker constantly >only time the brothers work together is to get sour cream & onion chips >i have tried everything to keep them out of the chips >they always figure out which cabinet its in and take them >i caught one of the ginger bastards opening the fridge and taking my leftover dinner
>>5743909 Another story: >Make eggs for breakfast >Put plate on table, remember thing I have to do and step out of kitchen. >Hear smashing sound. >Little shit sprints out of kitchen like she's on fire. >Plate is shattered, egg everywhere. >Clean up, throw eggs away, feed cat and leave for work. >Come home 10 hours later. >Most pitiful yowling you ever heard. >Cat's trapped in garbage can >Eggs are gone Also she insists on sleeping on my chest with a paw stuffed in my mouth and will keep trying til I give in.
I get that this thread is about cats, but time for a real story
>be me 6 years ago, 21 years old >roommate was a 19 year old half-black kid >He goes to school, no job, constantly late on rent >stays up playing CoD all night >blasts the AC all day >mfw electric bill is in my name and he's broke >get him a 30 day pay or quit >He packs all that month, no incedents >go to a party the day after he moves out >come home to my house a disaster >300+ dollars of groceries flung over the walls >hear a loud noise come from my bedroom >grab my Louisville Slugger from my living room closet >bust in to bedroom and swing >feel the bat connect and hear a crunch followed by a yell and a thud >it's my former roommate on the ground >bleeding all over the carpet with a broken jaw >nigger used a remade key to come back and swipe my shit >cops arrest his oreo ass
>friends are having a mexican themed party >decide to make up a mexican rendition of fettuccine alfredo with ground beef, bleu cheese, mexican cheese, and freshly grated parmesan as well as crushed corn tortillas on the top >go to party the next day >friends are all there >surprisingly none of the mexican friends the host has are there >i show everyone my dish and tell how it's going to be one of the best things they've ever had >they ask me why i brought macaroni to the party >macaroni >they will never know how hard i cringed when they said that >they look at me like i had just fucked the host's mom >i lay my plate down sweating bullets because they won't stop staring >no plates on the table >decide to run over to the guy's kitchen trying to look for his plates >found some glass looking plates >they're pulling noodles out of the bowl, each trying them >WHAT THE FUCK >they stop and start staring at me >playfully hit the back of the host's head >he says what the fuck and asks why i did that >but guy it's a joke >plate the fettuccine >give a plate to everyone >the host asks me why i took his decorative plates to eat off of >i can barely breathe because they won't stop staring at me >a guy tells me it's pretty good macaroni >i tell them i need to go to the bathroom >run for it and climb out the bathroom window
>Roommate eats peanut butter sandwiches and potato chips every meal >One day "hey, I'm going to cook something tonight" >Not cook FOR us, he just decides to tell us because cooking for yourself is a big fucking deal I guess >Steak and Potatoes >Uses my roomies cast-iron pan. >Uses a full half of my bottle of olive oil >Essentially deep fries the steak and potatoes in the same pan at the same time >Entire house full of smoke, he's sitting at the kitchen table playing candy crush while his shit boils in oil >Puts his plate in the sink when he's done, literally everything else used to prepare the meal left out >Also puts roomies cast iron pan in the sink; fills the entire sink with water to soak. >leaves it there for four days until roomie comes back to find.
>share 2 br w a grill for 6 months >i'm a guy btw >first week in decide to do a roast beef stew in the slow cooker >get it all prepped and ready the night before and put it in the fridge >wake up next morning, pull it out, set the slow cooker to low and go to class. >come home that evening, slow cooker is turned off, soup is room temp and raw >roommate comes in much later, she was a bartender >fucking explode on her >she thought I left it on by accident and didn't want a fire to start when nobody was there >was kind of a slut and I got my first blowie from her that night and ate ramen
I wanted to kill her I swear. we never dated, just friends/roommates who occasionally did each other sexual favors. it was strange but never got too weird because we didn't get that emotionally attached to each other.
>>5740801 >Sitting at table eating dinner >Roommate jumps up to sit on the bench next to me >Starts grumbling and rubbing against me >Slowly inches hand onto table >Slowly starts moving closer to plate >Rip off a piece of meat and put it on the bench next to me >Roommate sniffs it, licks it once, and then hops onto the floor
>Growing up, my family and I shared our house with a big, very chill older dude with long grey hair and this young brown-haired grill from Maine >Grill was scrawny and completely crazy, used to run around the apartment screaming for no reason and hide in the bathroom whenever we had guests >Older dude begs food off my plate all the time after eating his own meal and most of crazy grill's >Crazy grill will only eat one thing for about three weeks, then mysteriously begin to hate it >One Thanksgiving, put the turkey on the table and left momentarily to go bring out more food >Come back, older dude is looming over the turkey, about to steal it...like WTF, man, I was going to give you some anyway
I used to have a roommate in college that had a tattoo of jesus's face that covered half his back and wore a large chain with a crucifix on it.
He had about 30 supplement bottles on his bookshelf and had this george foreman grill that he would use to cook ground beef and chicken on and basically fumigate the 10x20 or whatever the fuck it was room we were in.
my asshole room mate expects me to buy him food all the time. Bad enough but he is picky as fuck. If I don't have his favorite food on hand he gets loud as hell until I go out and buy some for his miserable ass. He's been behind on his rent payments too and has been leaving hair all over my shit.
>hungry brokeass manlet roommate never buys his own food > learned he can tip over the kitchen trashcan and eat all the goodies he wants instead of waiting for me to fix him a plate > he won't even clean the floor after, just sits there licking his lips >he's lucky he's so cute or he would have been evicted ages ago
>Have a new Asian roommate, he's young, doesn't really know how to act around people. Nice guy, but kinda autistic. >Hanging out with other roommate, watching a movie, shooting the shit, we decide to order Chinese food. >Asian kid sprawling on the bed, hanging out, we decide to get drinks, he says he's not thirsty >We go out to the kitchen and make some drinks (Tom Collins Yo.) and come back. >That fucker dragged a plate of Chinese food across my floor, and is trying to get it open in the corner. >Tfw can't get angry with him, because it's too fucking adorable.
I like to cook a massive meal for the week and then just reheat it as I need it. For example, shepherd's pie works well. Only problem is, my drunk roommates will decide to forage in the fridge and take a plateful of my glorious meal. So a 5 day meal ends up lasting me 3 days.
>mfw I just caught my negro roommate spread eagle on my bed, fucking around with his crotch. >Just looks at me like "wat" >mfw when he's an old man and kinda senile, so I just sigh and leave the room. >mfw when I know I'm going to have to wash the brown starfish off my linens before bed.
>make a chicken sandwich from some leftover roast >some pieces out >white roommate comes to sit by me >she's healthy, but pretty lazy >decide to offer her a piece of chicken with my hand >she fucking wolverines the chicken with her hand, puts the chicken to her mouth and eats it >still begs for more
Yeah naw, you can get it yourself. It's time like this, I'm glad she got AIDS.
> My only roommate is a giant-ass second-generation russian immigrant. > He has some incomprehensible urge to sleep in my bed, even though he snores like a bear and bites you if you so much as slightly shove him. > Do_not_want.jpg > In bed one night. > Suddenly hear him whispering my voice in his thick accent. > He gets out of my dresser. (I seriously have no idea how he got in there.) > Starts scratching and biting at the giant-ass beanbag I keep in the corner. > Seriously, WTF man. > Shoo his ass out of my room. > Acts completely innocent the next morning, and denies that he ever did anything last night. > This happens all the time.
>>5745763 > Same russkie is fucking obsessed with running water. > He flat-out refuses to drink from a bowl like a normal person. > Every time he's thirsty, I have to stop whatever I'm doing and turn on the tap every time he wants a drink. > Still somehow manages to drench his entire head every single time. > Buthow.avi > Water bill is noticeably higher at the end of the month. > Eventually I concede and buy him a water fountain meant for large dogs.
>living with a big headed skinny bitch and an old colored lady >Skinny bitch is apparently a hunter, but leaves dead things around when she gets back from trips. gross as fuck >Old lady only comes around when I have chips and stuff and demands I share or she throws a fit
>>5745781 Yeah... He has a super fucking thick russian accent (he was raised in the US, I don't know where he got it from). Even so, he either whispers just the edge of audibility or yells at the top of his fucking lungs, usually because he either wants to go outside to hunt local birds (with his own goddamned teeth, mind you,) or because he wants the water turned on.
>laying on couch >eating a burrito >roomate licks it and tries to take bite >fuck it I'll just make another one >push roomate off me >go to kitchen >roomate walks over demanding that I feed him >starts rubbing up against my legs >my cat walks in the room and also starts bothering me for food
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