>be me, a sweet healthy 30 year old baby boy
>roll out of my bed and scurry to my wall where my GBP chart indicates that today is tendies day.
>with a full diaper I run to my mummy's room
>MUMMY MUMMY! I WANT CHICKEN TENDIES! CHICKEN TENDIES NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!
>the fucking bulldyke has the nerve to say "but anon, it's 3am. i can't drive when its this late; the dr said my vision is failing"
>fucking bullshit. i rip my diaper off and start to screech REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>start spinning my diaper around above my head; its now a shower of yellow and greenish brown
>mummy finally says ok.
>she drives off to kfc while i stay comfy in my blankie
>fucking blind bitch crashed her fucking car.
>there are no tendies today.
GIMME gimme chicken Tendies!
NOT from Mickey's NOT from Wendies!
I want tendies made by YOU!
From the fridge oh plump and TRUE!
TURN the oven to 120
BETTER not fuck up my tendies!
You'll be sorry if you DO!
Something you will surely RUE!
PLANT your ass and start the timer!
Better HURRY I'm a whiner!
SIT and stare cause did i mention?
Tendies NEED your full attention!
DING ding ding I think there done!
That was only HALF the fun!
Take them OUT, and please be quick!
and DON'T you use those oven mitts!
Use your hands to get my tendies!
NOT from Mickey's NOT from Wendies!
These are tendies made by YOU!
From the fridge oh plump and TRUE!
Now ON your knees I need a table!
Do not cry, I KNOW you're able
Shut your mouth and don't be rude!
Tendies are my Favorite Food!
Now they're done but I need more.
GO get your ass out to the store.
And get yourself a little treat!
For serving you're rambunctious NEET!
How many good boy point does /b/ have?
>Wake up this morning feeling good
>Pull the special edition Battlestar Galactica blanket off my bed
>Tie it around my neck like cape
>Step over my piss bottles and old food containers
>It's an autistic ballet as I tip toe to the spots on my floor that aren't covered in garbage
>Finally make it out into hallway
>Rush to look at Good Boy chart on the wall
>MFW only 10 more points needed for a Double Tendie Dinner!
>Run downstairs so fast my cape floats behind me
>Do a running slide onto kitchen floor to tell Mummy the good news
>Mummy just looks at me sternly
>Says to bend over so she can check my diaper first
>"You know I have to check every morning, anon."
>"Nooooo! I don't wanny!" I cry out defiantly
>Tears start to well in her eyes
>She startsr walking away from me
>"Wait...Ok..." I say as I lean over the table for her inspection
>Pull down my pants
>The smell of day old partially digested tendies and cheese diarrhea wafts to her nose
>She instantly vomits into the sink
>"That's minus 50 GBP!" she screams with her chin covered in puke
>"I screech and rip off the diaper
>Throw it onto the dining room table as hard as I can
>Orange and brown chunks splatter everywhere
>Some gets on the ceiling
>Mummy curls into a ball sobbing uncontrollably next to the sink
>She reaches up for a towel but accidentally cuts herself on a kitchen knife I left out
>She's bleeding and covered in vomit while screaming how I'm a bad boy
>Quickly put on my shoes and stuff my pockets with frozen tendies
>Run to my car crying because now I'm late for class at community college
>be first day of high school
>mom is dropping me off today
>she gets my rolling backpack full of fruit snacks out of the trunk
>"are you sure you'll be okay here anon?"
>"yes mommy i am fucking fine"
>have one thing on my mind
>barely make it to the classroom before collapse in desk
>skinny fucking normies are staring at me
>obviously never played wow
>next few classes breeze by
>finally lunch time
>shove my way through the line
>something smells familiar
>holy fuck i cant waddle fast enough as the line moves forward
>lunch lady says "hi sweetie what would you like?"
>"how many good boy points do tendies cost, slut?"
>"excuse me, what did you call me? and what are good boy points?"
>i grab 5 trays of tendies and huff to the condiment station
>grab 10 containers of ranch
>take 3 bottles of coke and guzzle one on the way to lay down
>lay on floor
>i eat one tray of tendies and i get the urge to pee pee and poo poo
>piss in coke bottle and shit in the tendie tray
>entire lunch room is staring at me
>i fucking hate normies
>principal sprints over and yells at me
>"WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
>he leaves for help
>shove the remaining tendies in my pockets and guzzle down my cokes
>principal and football coaches return and slowly hoist me up
>it took 5 of them
>poo poo the most ever in my life all over the principals shoes
>maintenance brings a golf cart with a bed on it to drive me to the office
>parked outside because they don't want to even try to bring me inside
>obviously normie principal tells me how disgusting i am
>i'm expelled from school and he calls my mom
>mom shows up furious and takes me home
>in the car she tells me
>"anon, I am taking away 500 GBP"
>"but i only have 100 right now you dumb whore"
>"so now you have -400 GBP"
>we get home and she sends me to my room
>mfw more tendies in my pocket than i could have gotten in one week
> be me
> raised as an only child (I'm only 38)
> I caused mummy and daddys divorce
> nothing matters except the scrumptious taste of tendies
> GOLDEN BROWN TENDY TOWN TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN
> mfw its 03:00am
> eww mummy is sleeping with nasty landlord
> mummy I'm hungries
> yell into intercom for snackitysnacks
> CLAIM THE MEAL OF THE CHICKEN GODS!! ITS TENDY TIME!!
> her tired voice reponds with "PISS OFF SWEETY MOMMY IS WORKING!!"
> insolent woman I know there are tendies in the freezer bring me my tendies
> challenging me at this hour?
> keep chanting for the tendies that are rightfully mine
> evil jew landlord tells mummy to shut me up
> naughty man. Making mummy's ladylettuce smell like sardines
> The war has begun.ctn
> enter sunrise. All Preparations are complete.
> nullifying any chance of escape I reeeee into mummies "office" on my valiant reinforced electric wheelchair
> douse jew in two jugs of poopyjuice before he can activate his spells
> evil jew is unable to battle!
> ram him into the corner and then leap off of my valiant steed and mount mummy's face
> NO NO NO NO NO NO MUMMY! YOUR PUNISHMENT MUST BE MORE SEVERE!!
> "URGH! YOU'RE CRUSHING ME SWEET-- OH GOD HELP ME PLEASE NO!!"
> Groan as I release a big boy turd so nasty her fingernails begin to peel backwards
> gaze into her eyes as the impact sends mummy into panic attack
> expel the last of my poopies on the sheet. How many times must I break you?
> tidy up my toys and waddle into kitchen to await my spoils
> slithery jew slithers out of my castle and says we don't need to worry about rent ever again
> mummy finally arrives visibly shaken and broken inside
> opens the freezer to make my tendies and blows them until they are cool
> "mummy you have to chew them for me"
> mummy breaks down in tears and screams for death
> yawn, give myself 5 extra gbp and fall asleep without eating them.
>waddle down the stairs after navigating through piss bottles in my room to check the GBP board
>just enough gbps for some tendies and sauce
>roll myself into the living room where mummy is watching her favorite soap opera
>"mummy mummy I have enough gbps for some tendies!"
>she turns to me with the most disgusting look on her face while I lay flat on the ground stuggling to get up
>"s-sure honey, le-let me just get some tendies for you"
>she struggles to go to the kitchen without vomitting from the smell of my putrid, feces covered body
>she pulls the tendies out of the freezer after letting the oven heat up as she begins to cry into the sink
>I roll over and pull myself up to my high chair that starts to creak as I sit down
>the tendies are done and she puts them on my plate
>she can't hold back the vomit as I open my mouth to eat some tendies and vomits all over my plate
>I can't let these tendies go to waste, so I eat them along with the vomit
>"yummy tummy tendies in my tummy, thanks mummy"
>sitting in room
>finish plate of tendies mummy just made for me
>hmm, I want some more!
>decide to play a prank on mummy (might cost some gbp, but fun is fun)
>rig one of my pee pee bottles to pour on whoever opens my door
>position my wittle bottom towards the door as well and pull down my diaper
>bang my steel drum to get her attention (at 30 gbp I simply had to!)
>MUMMY MUMMY, I WAS HUNGRY, NOW I'M FULL SO RUB MY TUMMY!
>Hear mummy coming
>A grin grows across my face as she draws near, my eyes crinkle and a "teehee!" slips out
>Mummy enters the room
>my pee pee pours in a steady stream on her head
>At the same time I begin blasting her with my nasty poo poo, coating her in a thick baby waby green layer!
>heehee! messy mummy messy mummy I say rhymically as she is covered in my nasty
>She doesn't say a word as my prank plays out
>finish my poo, turn and sit bare bottomed on the floor, leaving a wittle poopy stain
>mummy, did you wike my joke? ga ga goo goo!
>I begin giggling and drooling while slapping my wittle feetsies together as applause
>She does say anything
>Mummy, waugh at my wittle joke!
>I can see tears running through my pee pee and poo poo on her face
>Mummy, you don't want to upset your perfect wittle boy do you?
>She is still fighting
>My eyes sharpen and I drop my voice do a gravely, gutteral tone
>Listen you normie cunt, laugh at your sons prank or I'll kill you and kill myself, I'll drag you into the bath and slit your wrists while I fuck your fat whore ass
>Mummy sees reason and lets out a chuckle
>heehee! I think that deserves 20 gbp for being such a funny and creative prank, don't you mummy!?
>She does a sort of weird nod and walks out of my playpen
GBP is too easy to get, even when being a naughty boy!
>wake up at 4 pm like usual
>start watching anime
>yell for tendies
>"Mom gimme tendies!!"
>go into her room and piss and shit all over her bed
>Go back to watching anime
>Hear door opening
>WEAR THE FUCK WERE YOU MOOOOOOOOOM
>I went to Cane's and got you a box of chicken tenders
>Go downstairs, grab box of tendies and run back upstairs
>regret pissing and shitting on her bed
>Need to poop
>Shit jugs are all full
>Brainwave: if I empty all my shit jugs AND poopoo in the toilet, I get double Good Boy Points and can eat tendies all weekend
>Grab armfulls of shit jugs and head to the bathroom.
>Spill some shit jugs on the way, don't care Mummy will clean up
> Sit on toilet, my big beautiful bottom spills over the side, begin pooping.
>My bowl movement sounds like a pipe being unclogged
>Release putrid farts
>Dump my shit jugs into the bowl until the poopoo is overflowing and covering the seat.
>"MUMMY MUMMY! COME LOOK WHAT YOUR SPECIAL GOOD BOY HAS DONE!"
>Mummy comes in, sees the shit trail leading to the toilet, the overflowing bowl and smells my flatulence.
>She starts crying, obviously proud of her Best Boy.
>live at home with mom
>she has a party and invites our friends and families
>big pot luck but all I want is chicken tendies
>go to freezer pull out tendies
>throw some in the microwave
>come out of the kitchen with my chicken tendies and ketchup
>everyone looks at me as I go back to my fap fortress
>mom comes in and tells me, "Anon, will you please be social for our family and friends? Please do it for me!"
>Go back to the living room
>so anon I hear you like those chinese cartoons like the dragon balls and naroootoe
>starting to get pissed
>giggle and just say yeah
>then some faggot pulls out a Macbook to show off his faggot families vacation
>run to my room screaming "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
>grab piss bottle
>throw it at macfag
>hits him everyone goes silent
>Then I scream "Filthy fucking casual!"
>Apple is for fags
>mom grabs me
>Back hand her
>faggot white knight steps in and tells me to calm down
>start to scream and helicopter
>shit my self in the process
>everyone pulls out their iPhones to take a video
>run back into room and grab my katana
>here them talking and asking what they should do
>run out and chop at the macbook
>the guy tries to tackle me but my ninjitsu skills are second to none
>he trips and bust his head open on the coffee table
>everyone runs out
>someone calls the cops
>go hid in my room
>clutch my rei pillow and pray to my framed picture of Gaben above my bed
>set up trap using my jizz bottles
>cops knock on door and tell me to open up
>They bust in
>first cop gets a bucket of jizz I proped over my door
>second one trips over a dragon dildo
>cops throw me to the ground and hand cuff me
>go to jail
>missing dank memes and pepe
>be 32 year old beautiful, happy bouncy baby boy with a bright future ahead of me
>6pm, just woke up, getting my morning cereals
>enter mommy, she sits down in front of me as i happily pick apart the marshmellows in the cereal and eat them with a spoon full of milkies
>"honey, your dad and i have been talking, and we think its finally time for you to get a job..."
>i stop her immediately after that
>"mommy, what are you...?"
>an incomprehensible rage takes over me, i quickly lash out at mommy
>grab the poopy diaper that she hasnt fucking changed since last night
>throw it right at her face, makes a big splat sound and she falls back from the force and velocity of the poopy diaper smacking her
>as she is stunned and wiping the poopies off, i stand over her with my fists clutched, she is cowering with her hands over her face, stupid fucking bitch
>i remind her that baby doesnt like it when his diaper changing bonding with mommy time is forgotten
>start peeing all over her, she probably wants to be washed off by now
>give her a black eye just for good measure so she doesnt tell anyone what happened
>later that night, she comes in with a plate full of fresh KFC tendies and a new diaper, kisses my forehead and tells me to have a good night at 10 am
>enjoying my yummy tummy tendies and masturbating to super princess peach
>typical monday night
>suddenly notice its almost 2:30 am
>icarly reruns at 2:30 am
>there is an astonishing lack of icarly and or tvs in my lair
>call my poopnosed mommy
>she doesn't come in
>wait for a patient 5 seconds minimum
>no answer, the bitch is still sleeping
>she has no idea who she's dealing with
>hit my head against the wall and start screaming
>i can see her wake up from acoss the hall
>threaten to kill myself again
>finally she comes in
>it's about time
>says some shit about bothering the whole apartment complex and how she has to go to work tomorrow
>doesn't realize i don't care
>tell her to get the tv in here
>"anon, you already have 3 tvs sweetie"
>"no mommy, i want the new tv in here"
>she sighs and tells me to get up and go to the living room myself if i want to watch it
>sheathe my katana
>politely explain that i have 1 tv for each show i watch and none of the tvs are made for icarly
>stupid cunt doesn't understand that watching another show on the wrong tv completes imbalance
>whore didn't learn that that's the reason why i burnt the last house down
>"fine, but only if you clean up your poopoo jugs while im gone"
>that fucking cunt telling me what to do
>while the bitch is gone empty the shit into her bed as punishment
>she's still struggling to get the damn thing in here
>take another poopoo on the ground to pass the time and show her who's boss
>the staggering wench comes in here
>slips on the poopoo
>tv falls on her head
>she stops moving
>blood comes from behind
>dont care, tv's in my room
>plug it in
>realize ill have to watch the tv from top-down because stupid whore is trapped underneath
>dont care, it's pretty funny
>turn on tv.
>buzz-lightyear of star command comes on
>look at the clock
>it's 2:30 pm
>Take another shit on my mom for making me fuck up again
Linux is shit. I only ever use it for programming. Shit for everything else.
>33 years old
>lying in bed, have to take a shit
>don't want to get up, so shit in my bed
>its getting too stinky for my liking
>get out of bed, stomping on the floor, screaming at the top of my lungs: MOMMY MOMMY, POOPOO, POOPOO !!!!!!
>My mom comes upstairs and sees my shit covered bed
>sighs deeply and cleans up my mess
>ask her if she can take me to Mcdonalds
>''anon, its 4 in the morning and i have to get up early''
>throw a tantrum, take off my pants and start shitting and pissing on the floor
>''ok ok anon, p-please just stop''
>she cleans up and off we go
>make her buy me 3 happy meals
>want a balloon
>they tell my mom they're all out of baloons
>BALLOON, I WANT MY BALLOOOON!!!!!
>make her drive to the nearest gas station (30 minutes away) to buy me a balloon
>we get home
>go to my room to play with my happymeal toys and balloon
>hear my mom crying downstairs