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>>571609257 A duck walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any duck food?" The bartender says, "No I don't have any duck food. This is a people bar. Get out." The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks in and asks the bartender, "Do you have any duck food?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, I don't have any fucking duck food. Get out of here." The duck leaves. The third day, the duck walks in and asks, "Do you have any duck food?" The bartender says, "God damn it! I don't have any duck food! If you ask me again I'm going to nail you to that wall." The duck says, "Ok, ok, I get it!" and walks out. The fourth day, the duck walks in. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says, "What? No I don't have any nails." The duck says, "Good, do you have any duck food?"
"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, and another again - all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.
"Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman . . . "But it did happen to me sister."
An old cowboy walks into the bar, sat down on a stool and ordered a drink.
Before long, a young attractive woman sat down next to him.
After a few minutes, she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, ma'am, I've spent my whole life breaking horses, driving cattle, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, cleaning stables, going to rodeos, so yeah, I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "That's interesting.”
They both sipped their drinks.
He said, “How 'bout you, Ma'am?”
She said, “Me, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I'm driving my car, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I think about what they'd look like naked. I think about what I'd like to do to them, and I think about what they might do to me. I can't help it. All I do is think about women."
He said, “That's interesting.”
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
A bloke and his wife go to the pub one evening. They sit at a table in a quiet corner to enjoy their beer and some conversation. After a while, the guy spots some friends at another table, and says, "Excuse me, dear, I'm just going to go say hello to my mates. Be right back." "No problem," she says, "I'll be fine."
A minute later, another man, who has obviously had a few already, gets up from his stool at the bar, walks over to the wife's table, sits down right next to her, leans in close to her and says, "You're really hot, darlin'. I'd sure like to squeeze your ass!"
"Well, that's an awfully rude thing to say!" she replies. "Please go away."
The guy then says, "Know what else I'd like to do? I'd like to unbutton your shirt, stuff my face between your tits and wiggle it around while I pinch your nipples 'til they turn purple."
"Oh my God!" she says. "I can't believe you! If you don't get away from me right now, I'm gonna go tell my husband what you said, and he'll kick your ass! Now get lost!"
But the guy comes back with, "You wanna know what I'd do next? I'd take off your pants, turn you upside down, fill your pussy up with Guinness, and then drink every drop!"
"OK, that's IT!" she exclaims. "I'm gonna go get my husband, and he's gonna pound you to a pulp!"
She gets up and storms over to where her husband is sitting. "You're not gonna believe what some man just said to me! He said he wanted to squeeze my ass!"
"Well, that's kinda rude," says the husband. "Why didn't you tell him to take a hike?"
"I did!" she replies, "but then he said he was gonna put his face between my tits and pinch my nipples until they turn purple!"
"Son of a bitch!" says the angry husband, jumping to his feet. "Where is he? I'm gonna kick his ass but good!"
"He's still right over there at our table," she says, pointing to the guy. "But wait till you hear what else he said to me! He said he's gonna turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink every drop!"
Suddenly, the husband sits back down on his chair. The wife shouts "What are you doing? Aren't you going to defend my honor? Go over there right now and take care of that jerk!"
The husband replies, "Honey, I love you, I really do... but if you think I'm gonna mess with any guy who can drink 15 pints of Guinness, you're crazy."
Rabbit walks in to a bar orders a pint and cheese and ham toastie. Eats drinks and leaves. Rabbit comes in the next day same pint but a cheese and pickle toastie today. The next day hes in again same pint and a beef and mustard toastie.
Then for a week nothing not a sight of the bunny at all...
A few weeks later a ghostly image of a rabbit comes in and the barman asks " wow where the fuk have you been and why are you a ghost"
A piece of string walks into a bar & asks for a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve string here, get out". The string goes outside, ties himself in a knot and unravels one end. The string goes back inside & the bartender says "Aren't you that piece of string I just through out"? The string answers "Nope, I'm afraid knot".
A proton walked in to the bar. Got up on the stool and hovered around. The barman walks up to him and says "what can I get for ya mate?" The proton replies "oh just a glass of water please" The barman gives him a weird look, trying to see if the proton is serious. He asks "are you sure?" To which the proton replies. "I'm positive"
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