4chan adventure: OP is kinda drunk edition You are on a dirt

kill self

>>565535459
>>565535595
Get resurrected by an eldritch pact and gain power over death. Read the parchment.

>>565535882
kill eldritch pact and kill self.

>>565535595
>>565536314
I keked

Also commit suicide

>>565535595
You decide that you've had enough of this world. You take your sword and slice your own throat. As the last of your life drains out of you, you see a bright light. It grows and expands until you see yourself standing stark naked in the middle of a large hall resembling a royal court. A robust bearded man dressed in archaic armor stands before you. He speaks:

"Young adventurer, your journey to that afterlife has come too soon. You have far too much potential in the mortal realm to be swayed by retarded faggots like PcGX+qLg."

"Who?" You ask, thoroughly bewildered.

"Never you mind", he continues. "As I was saying, for that reason, the lesser gods and I have elected to give you a second chance. Fare thee well."

Everything goes black again, and you find yourself at the fork, just the same.

>>565536580
Eat dirt, all of it.

>>565536580
kill self

>>565536580
Walk onwards west

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>pick up fork
>Slaughter all villagers

>>565536831
You don't know why, but suddenly you are immensely hungry for dirt. You dip your finger into the earth and scoop a bit into your mouth. It is surprisingly delicious. You lose all control. You begin shoveling whole handfuls of dirt into your mouth. At some points you scoop faster than you can swallow and almost inhale it. Alas, your stomach likes it less than your mouth and you puke a vast amount of brown slime into the hole you just dug.

>>565535459
also is this mount and blade?

I like that game.

>>565536580
kill self again

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>>565536580
Strip naked and stroll into Grendor.

>>565537547
Yes it is. I figured that picture would be perfect considering the circumstances.

>>565537719
The exact same thing as last time happens.

keep killing self until I don't come back

>>565538128

Head to Aldabad

>>565537547
Reminds me of the time I watched a friend of mine single-handedly slaughter an entire village with a two-handed sword.

>>565538237
You start walking down the path to the right. The journey is mostly uneventful. After a while, you some across a bearded bald man in tattered clothes sitting on the side of the road.

"Greetings, my good man", he says. "Can you spare a copper? All I need is enough for one night in the tavern."

>>565538859
Give none to the Jew, he has plenty already.

>>565538348
Is there a mod that lets you kill civilians? If so, I want it.

>>565538348
>>565539162
Not usre.

Been playing Napoleonic Wars lately. Kinda fun actually.

>>565538973
"Sod off, you smelly kike", you grumble at him.

"Well then", he says, "I guess I'll just have to take what you've got!"

He pulls a dagger out of the back of his britches (you have no clue how he was storing it) and lunges at your throat. You barely have time to stick your arms out and wrestle him to the ground. You work your hand around his neck, but his dagger is inches away from yours.

>>565539770
choke him out and take his jewgoldz

>>565539770
Cut the Jew-niggers throat.

>>565539770

Spit in his eye, then head butt him. Take his dagger and stab him in the face.

"Dont fuck with me you dirty jew"

Kill PcGX+qLg

>>565539162
You should be able to simply raid villages, if memory serves, like if you demand something from them and don't have the manpower to scare them into giving it.

Don't remember if you have to be allied with anyone and attack an enemy owned village, but I don't think so.

>>565540804
I think you can do it whenever.

Just about 60 villagers attack at once though.

>>565540409
You don't really know who or what PcGX+qLg is, all you know is that whatever it is, it sucks nigger cocks and must die. You release the jew and draw your sword. With a single swing, you lop PcGX+qLg's head off and send it rolling away. As you stand there with a triumphant, shit-eating grin on your face, you feel the jew grab you from behind. The cold blade of his dagger is pressed against your throat.

"Let's make this easy", he whispers in your ear. Hand over that satchel and we can both just forget about this."

Judo throw the jew and fuck him in his kike ass with your sword

>>565541129
take all of his delicious old man cock

>>565541129
Escape by transcending physical existence

>>565541129
Elbow like in the throat and proceed to beat his face in until it's a pile of mush, then light his body on fire and piss on it, proceed to raise arm and hell hitler

>>565541129
Shit pants

>>565541353
"Wait," you think. "I've been trained for this".

Using your Jew-do skills, you grab the kike's forearm, pull it downward and lock your chin. You curl your back, thrust your hips downward and pull him over your head, causing him to hit the ground in front of you ass first. You flip him over and stick the tip of your sword to his bunghole.

"No, please", he begs, "I'll do anything you want. I'll be your personal cumslut forever!"

You will not be swayed, though. You slowly jam your sword into his colon and thrust it back and forth, shredding his intestines. A stream of blood and liquid shit streams out, forming a large puddle. Much of it gets on you. You watch the agony in his eyes as he dies one of the most gruesome deaths possible.

>>565542512
Eat excrement

>>565542512
cannibalize Jew remains

Think a single rational thought.

Cut off his dick and place in satcel, turn around and head back to fork in road

pick up the fork

>>565542817
You pause for a moment and think:

"I know I exist. I have thoughts; that's obvious. In order to have thoughts, I must be a being capable of thought. Nothing can deceive me into falsely believing that I have thoughts, because for that to be possible, I would have to think I have thoughts. However, I cannot rule out the possibility that all the other things that seem to be true may not be; in fact, I have believed many things that later turned out to be false. Therefore, the only things I can ever know for certain are that I exist and that I am capable of thought".

>>565543484
Look for a wench

Go insane from too much thinking and have a beakmasked plauge doctor start the bloodletting

>>565543484
cont journey

Read the parchment in my satchel

Fap, cum on jew, go back to fork in road

>>565543484
cut off the dead Jews face with his dagger and hold it over your own

>>565543623
There are no wenches to be found here, but you figure there may be some in Aldabad. You continue down the oath until you reach the town. It seems to be an ordinary town, with a blacksmith, a baker, a butcher and a debaucherer. There is one detail that strikes you as odd: almost everyone is wearing a purple headband.

Drink the koolaid and put on some Nikes

read the fucking parchment

>>565544281
Fuck your parchment

>>565544281
You realize that you never took a close look at the parchment in your satchel. You take it out and examine it. It is mostly blank except for one brief note:

>Dearest Anonigard,

>Thou art a faggot.

>Sincerely, Thyself

>>565544701
Do faggotry all over the town.

>>565544861
You strip down to your leopard print thong and prance merrily about the town. You shake your booty in the face of every man you see. Some of them seem disgusted; others are delighted. Suddenly, two men in full plate armor appear.

"Stop right there, criminal scum!" one of them demands. "Homosexuality is illegal in this town!"

>>565545503
Tell those filthy cismales to check their privilege and carry on in a blaze of faggotry.

>>565545503
shit yourself and run

>>565545503
apologize to the guards explaining you were just under the influence of some dopeth ass shrooms.

Start jerking off furiously.

>>565545503
shit and throw it at the guards.

>>565545925
>>565546829
>>565547019
All three of these things at once.

>>565545503
"Step aside noble gentleman, I'm in a secret mission for the king himself. I've been tasked to lure homosex into this ruse"

>>565545925
You thumb your nose at those white privileged straight midweight homokin heteroromantic neurotypical cis male shitlords and tell them to check their privilege. You turn and try to prance on, but they instantly tackle you and beat you senseless. The drag you by the ankles through the town until you reach the tallest building in sight. Your bump your head several times on the floor before they stop. One of them opens a trap door. "Homosexuality is illegal", he repeats. "All violators are sent to the magistrate's personal dungeon". He throws you down the trapdoor and you hit the ground with a thud.

When you come around, you find yourself in a dimly lit room. There are torches on the walls with chains and shackles in between. There is also a lot of odd furniture in the room. A man in a black leather suit approaches you with a bullwhip in his hand.

"Are you ready for your sentencing?" He asks in a growling yet lustful voice.

Burst your razor sharp dick and and slit his throat whilst fuckig it, using blood for luve

>>565547450
walk the dinosaur

>>565547450
quicky say "how can mirrors be real if our eyes aren't real?" and escape as they discuss confused about it

>>565547450
Wiggle your thong off and distract him with your gigantic penis; run.

I like where this is going, the faggotry feels genuine.

>>565547719
You recall a dance move from a shitty 90's music video that somehow became a bad meme in your hometown. You have a sudden urge to recreate it. As you open the door and get on the floor, your thing slides off and you feel a thick rod jam its way into your rectum. The pain is unlike anything you've felt before, but so is the odd twist of pleasure you feel. The rod thrusts is way in and out for several minutes until you feel a warm liquid being squirted into your colon. The rod withdraws, bringing a trickle of runny shit with it. You are suddenly flipped onto your back and are now looking the man from before in the eyes.

"Now that the first nut's out of the way, it's time for the real fun to begin", he says.

>>565548512
find a way to play tennix

>>565548512
get on the floor

>>565548512
Start jerking off furiously on the nearest person

>>565548604
tennis

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>>565548512
Shit yourself

>>565548512
open the door

>>565548512
attack prosecutor with dick

>>565548512
Destroy all cobblestone in the area.
.
=
.
(and rape the farmer's daughter)

>>565548761
It seems the vigorous sodomy from before loosened your bowels so much that you can no longer contain your excrement. You shit furiously all over the floor.

"Hey, you guessed my favorite fetish!" the man exclaims as he scoops up a handful of shit. He proceeds to smear the shit all over his face and starts making out with you, full tongue swapping.

Fuck her right in the pussy

>>565536580
Go west with much swagger in your pleb sag.

>>565549159
Star puking for 3 minutes straight.

>>565549313
This act disgusts you so much that you feel a sudden urge to puke. You try to hold it, but the man with tongue fucking you so hard that you can't escape. You puke straight in his mouth. He withdraws and you continue to puke. You have no clue how there is so much stuff in your stomach, but it's enough for you to keep puking for a full 3 minutes.

"Eww, gross, take that grody shit out of here!" the man interjects.

He picks you up, one hand on your hair and the other on your crotch, and carries you up a flight of stairs. He throws you out a back door, leaving you naked and covered in shit, puke and trace amounts of Jew blood.

>>565550005
open the door

>>565550005
Go back in begging for more

>>565550005
Your mind, body, and soul far shattered at this point, you limp home, bleeding from the anus as you cry tears of defeat.

>>565550309
You try to open the door, but it's locked tight. You knock, but there's no answer. You look around you. There are a few piles of trash in this alley, and there seems to be a tramp sleeping underneath one of them. There are scattered puddles of what you really hope is rainwater. A mangy dog at the end of the alley is munching on something you can't see.

>>565550681
Start raping the tramp.

>>565550681
Slap your cock on her face.

>>565550681

I think rape the tramp is appropriate here

Kill yourself again.

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>>565550681
Start raping the dog

Adopt the mangy cur as your own

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>>565550681
start raping the pile of trash

>>565550681
Bite the tramp's throat, crushing his windpipe, and take his clothes.

>>565550681

Jerk it as you force the dog to rape the tramp

Kill yourself once more.

>>565550923
The dog looks at you, and it's love at first sight. The dog canters over to you and you see that it's a he. You embrace him, and he starts licking your face... and your neck... and your arms... and your chest...

He keeps going until he's licked you completely clean. You realize that this dog is the companion you needed in your life. You decide to name him Cumtarget, after your grandfather.

>>565551420

420 blaze it faggot

>>565551420
Go look for a whore hous.

>>565551420
Commence faggotry yet again

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>>565551420
>Cumtarget, after your gransfather

>>565551515
You decide to take Cumtarget to find some ladies of the night. You strut though the town butt naked. Some people give you odd looks, but it's nothing you're not used to. You ask people where the nearest brothel is. Most of them ignore you. Finally, one shaggy old man directs you to a place at the edge of town. He leaves you with a kiss on the cheek.

You and Cumtarget walk through the door, Five women are lined up in front of you. From left to right:
1. A fat, kikeish looking broad with a hooked nose and curly black hair
2. A skinny blonde bimbo with good sized tits who doesn't seem to know where she is
3. A brunette who is completely average in every regard you care to look at
4. Another blonde; tall, with tiny tits and a face like a horse
5. The most beautiful redhead you've ever seen, completely perfect in every imaginable

fuck number 3

>>565552667
dammit, I wanted to abuse the horse face.

>>565552542
Seduce the kike into the nearest oven

>>565552542
Number 2

>>565552542
Fuck all 5 of them at once

(83=

a walrus comes over and touches u

>>565552667
You turn to the manager and say, "I'll take the one in the middle".

"As you wish", says the manager. "3 silvers for oral, 5 for vaginal, 6 for anal, 9 for anything you want for an hour".

"Oh..." you groan, as you realize that you lost your satchel when you stripped off your clothes.

"No money?" the manager fumes. "Then get the hell out of my brothel!"

>>565553439
Piledrive the manager and claim #3 as your trophy

>>565553439
Offer that you give him all the whores for free, and start raping him if he declines. (he doesn't know he'll be raped)

>>565553573
I'm so happy.

5 Cuils: You ask for a hamburger, I give you a hamburger. You raise it to your lips and take a bite. Your eye twitches involuntarily. Across the street a father of three falls down the stairs. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. I give you a hamburger. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. You cannot swallow. There are children at the top of the stairs. A pickle shifts uneasily under the bun. I give you a hamburger. You look at my face, and I am pleading with you. The children are crying now. You raise the hamburger to your lips, tears stream down your face as you take a bite. I give you a hamburger. You are on your knees. You plead with me to go across the street. I hear only children's laughter. I give you a hamburger. You are screaming as you fall down the stairs. I am your child. You cannot see anything. You take a bite of the hamburger. The concrete rushes up to meet you. You awake with a start in your own bed. Your eye twitches involuntarily. I give you a hamburger. As you kill me, I do not make a sound. I give you a hamburger.

an hero

>>565553573
You won't be taking any of this fat fucker's shit. You tackle him, pull down his pants and rape in the ass until he dies. After taking his clothes and coin purse, you wrap your arm around the average-looking brunette's elbow. "Come forth, milady, your chariot awaits!", you say with glee. You strut into the street with your new bride as she struggles hopelessly to free herself.

>>565554248
Build a log cabin with your bare hands.

>>565554248
rape the guards until they die and devour their flesh and peel their skin off. And if they're lucky, in that order.

>>565554389
After a while, she realizes her struggle is futile and goes along with you. You take her and Cumtarget into the woods. You instruct Cumtarget to bite the wenches ankle so she can't run off while you work. You try to gather logs, but soon realizes that you have nothing to fell a tree with and have to settle for sticks. After a few hour of hard work you produce something that would made a great campfire, but not such a good living accommodation.

Stick a pine cone in your ass

>>565554935
Go back into town to recruit an army, who knows what for,

>>565554935
train cumtarget to perform sex acts with the girl

>>565555083
You look for pinecones, but you can't find any because you're in a deciduous forest. Why must you fail at everything?

>>565555250
Stick a stick in your urethra

>>565555250
Sex with wench

>>565555361
You decide that a stick in your peehole will have to do. You pick one of the sticks off of the stick cabin you made and slowly wriggle it in. The pain is immense and you gain no pleasure from it. It dawns on you that you are completely fucking retarded.

>>565555651
Fuck the wench without removing the stick

>>565555651
Cuddle with your trophy.

>>565555651
You walk up the the wench. Cumtarget still has his jaws wrapped dutifully around your ankle.

"It's-a sexy time!", you exclaim as you lift up her skirt.

"Why... why are you doing this?" she asks, with fear in her eyes.

You have no good answer, much less a boner. However, the stick in your peehole provides just enough stiffness for you to slide it in her cooter. You thrust back and forth while the stick scrapes your penis from the inside. It is painful and you gain no sexual gratification, but the terror in her face makes you feel warm inside.

Use the brothel owners coins to buy some pimp clothes and cane. Take over the brothel since the owner is dead. Profit.

>>565556295
Shit yourself and pass out on top of your new wife.

>>565556295
Set fire to the cabin by rubbing your dick stick on it, cook and eat the dog, shit him out onto the girls face and smear it all over her face, dub her niggerface and that is her name from now on

>>565556295
get lucky

>>565556308
Re fucking roll damnit this guy needs something good in his life

>>565556295
Snap your brides little neck, then rape her corpse

Use your newly aquired coin to buy yourself a Redd Apple Ale.

>>565556421
A surge of hunger rips through you as you realize you haven't eaten anything since this adventure began. You look hungrily at Cumtarget, and he looks wistful as he realizes that he must sacrifice his life so you can have a meal. You try to start a fire by rubbing your cock on the pile of sticks, but it doesn't work because events in my story have to have at least some semblance of plausibility. You strangle Cumtarget and eat him raw, not letting the wench have a single bite. When your are finished, you wipe your face and say, "Come, Niggerface, a great adventure awaits!"

She is far too horrified to offer any resistance.

>>565557030
Now reveal your deepest, darkest secrets to her as you stroke her head lovingly.

buttfuck her for 5 hours

>>565557030
Remove stick from urethra, go raid village for supplies

rape her in the ass for 5 hours

stick your entire foot in her anus

so close

>>565557259
buzzkill

>>565557259
You pull the stick from your urethra. So much blood spurts out that by the time you get to the village, you are woozy from blood loss. Niggerface follows you, afraid to find out what would happen if she left you. You walk from shop to shop gathering handfuls of supplies. This is quite easily done. You help yourself to whatever you want while Niggerface distracts the shopkeepers with her tits. You carry the bundle of supplies back to your stick pile in the woods. It is only then that you realize that there is enough money in your stolen coin purse to have paid for all of it.

>>565557894
Pass out from bleeding out your dick too much

>>565557894
Your progress it not as good as it could be.

Re-spec your skill tree.

>>565557894
Attempt to find a way to get high.

kill yourself

>>565557894
Create a shrine with the supplies in honor for Cumtarget

>>565558117
You pick up a rock and smash yourself in the head with it until you pass out. When you come around, you smash yourself more and ultimately die from brain damage. You come to the hall with the bearded man again. He speaks:

"You know what, I've given you too many second chances already. Besides, I'm tired and also kind of a faggot. I'm gonna let you die this time".

The End

>>565558531
Come back as a zombie and trap OP here.

>>565558531
Reboot the game.

come back to life and rape a nigger

>>565558639
kek

respawn at the nearest checkpoint

>>565558639
Some other faggot comes along and continues the story. OP goes to bed.

>>565559083
In that case, may I?

>>565559083
OP wakes back up

>>565558531
Respawn, use cheats to become god. Rape the asshole who let you die.

>>565559149
Go right the fuck ahead. Good night.

You spawn in giant's forest. Your magey friend is asking you why the hell you two are in giant's forest. You're in red armor, he has on a blue robe and a hat. Your hair is red. You have two swords who you love very much.

>>565559625
Kill that faggot ass mage and take his magic shit or what the fuck ever.

>>565559625
Shit pants due to the lack of scenery.

>>565559625
Eat wild berries, gain permanent mental disability

>>565559719
You pull out your blades and murder the Black Mage, your dearest friend who you have always loved, and you also love when he stabs you because you are a dumbass. You weep. A giant appears.

throw swords at him and run

>>565560245
Rape giant

>>565560451
You remove your armor and cut the giant's loin cloth with your swords, then begin ass-raping the giant as vigorously as you can imagine.

throw away swords and run

>>565560823
You attempt to throw your swords away and run, but you cannot unequip the swords in battle because you are too attached to them emotionally. You fail to throw away the swords and just run away from the giant.

You find the road and look around. There is a sign pointing east which says "Corneria." There is a sign pointing west and north to "The Temple of Fiends."

fuck self in ass with swords

>>565561065
Head north into the wilderness, and raise wolf children who grow up to destroy corneria.

>>565561131
You begin to violate yourself with your swords. You are in excruciating agony before one of them, you're not sure which, cuts through your throat. The last thing you see is the blade sticking out of your neck.

You awake in a forest, shouting out a greeting to the world before declaring you will become a beacon of justice. Somewhere dearing your conversation, you are greeted by some weird dark guy in robes. You're pretty sure he's some kind of emo freak or an escapee from a mental institution.

>>565561501
Fuck self in ass with swords.

>>565561501
Get Raped by guy in robes

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>>565561501
Get raped by the guy's robes, you know, the one's he is wearing.

>>565561751
fukkin winrar

>>565561751
The guy in robes is quite disturbed by what he is witnessing when his robes animate at your will and begin raping you horribly. He tries to run away but is trapped in his mage robes. You are satisfied.

>>565562254
>I can't breathe

Converse with the robes.

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Pray to his holiness Magic Johnson.

>>565562347
You talk with the robes. They continue violating your anus while burning. The mage man who is trapped watching his robes violate you assumes you are on some really good shrooms because you're talking to robes, which he is pretty sure are just inanimate objects who must be under your control in some sick and twisted way that makes him cringe.

>>565562616
Ask for the robes' had in marriage

>>565562835
You ask the robe for its hand in marriage. The mage is frightened at this point and also desperate. He jumps over you and runs away. The robes still do nothing. You are alone, on all fours, being raped by a set of robes of some guy who you never will know because you scared him off.

>>565563228
celebrate and head in a random direction, carrying the Divine Robes of Sodomy with you.

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>>565563228
Realize you're ways, and follow the man with your Cursed Robes of Violation in tow.

>>565563228
Present robes with aggressive prenup.

>>565563403
You run after the magey man with his self-violating robes that he doesn't want back after he saw what you did. You scream and shout and attempt to get his attention, but succeed only in running nude with the arms of a cloak shoulder-deep in your anus, giving you an awkward bowed stance and making walking a much more difficult task. The maged man eventually collapses about 300 yards away.

kill self

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>>565563730
Run over and have the man join the party, ask the robes to share their love with this man.

I love this thread.
Miss old OP though

>>565563859
You ask the robes to share their love with the mage man. The man man is disgusted. He casts a fire spell and burns the robes. The robes reveal themselves to have been possessed by Shrek, who rapes the mage man.

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>>565564029
Record that shit with your YeOldiPhone and post that shit on YeOld4chan

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>>565564029
Kill Shrek, save man. Ask man if anything is wrong.

>>565564269
You kill Shrek in manners unbecoming of the hero you once assumed yourself to be. You then ask the magey man if anything is wrong. He calls you a sick fuck and casts his fireball on you. you are now dead.

You wake up at a fork in the road with two signs. One sign says "Tourrettes." The other sign says "Fuck you."

>>565564671
Turn 360 and head back from whence this road came.

>>565564671
close my eyes spin a round a whole bunch and start walking.

Kill self and stay dead this time.

>>565564671

Pray to Magic Johnson.

>>565564671
Close my eyes and start running in a random direction.

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>>565564671
Run as fast as possible down "Fuck you"

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>>565564671
Skip with fabulous joy down "tourettes"

jack off

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>>565564671
Say fuck it, and start cutting down trees for a campfire.

Use the fork in the road to eat your lunch.

>>565565203
You notice do not have an axe or other utensil for cutting down trees.

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Turn over control of thread to Spiderman.

>>565565532
Then I Start Biting

>>565565651

OH SHIT. NEW WORLD ORDER!

Hail Hydra.

>>565565651
The thread becomes a spider-man thread. From this point on, no more odds will do anything except post spider-man.

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>>565565651
>>565565761
>>565565651
>>565565761
>>565565651
>>565565761
>>565565651
>>565565761
>>565565651
>>565565761
>>565565651
>>565565761
What has been wrought upon us?

>>565565851
Deadpool also just 'cause they're too adorable to not be side-by-side,