Okay, so I have a bit of a weird story..
>Be me, 14
>Have little brother who is 10
>Let's call him Bob
>Bob likes to hide in things
>Especially my closet
>He would giggle whenever I was in the room so I knew instantly he was in there
>One day, after hardcore fap
>Use old towel to clean up
>Throw it into closet
>I open closet door and little brother is there grinning with towel on his face
>"TAKE THAT OFF!" I screamed at him
>He takes off the towel, cum smeared all over his face
>He runs downstairs laughing
>Mom is downstairs
>She sees 'goo' all over his face
>"anon threw goo at me mommy"
>he's laughing because he thinks it was funny
>Mom looks disgusted
That was the last time I saw my little brother, I was sent to my grandmothers to live. Been there for 6 years, I wonder if he ever looks back on the last time he ever saw me..
Here's another one
>be around 16
>Meet a cute redhead around 7/10
>she likes things such as horses and shit
>i never once saw her go near a horse though
>we get quite close
>me and horse girl like best buds
>it's her birthday
>I, being an amazing friend, thought about her obsession with horses
>order 18ft long horse cock replica dildo from Ebay
>it's bendy as fuck, so it fits in a shoe box like a snake
>"horsegirl, I have a present for you, you're going to love it"
>she doesn't open it there and then, oh no
>she waits till she gets home
what happens next.. oh dear..
>she calls me
>"anon.. my whole family saw my open a box with a giant dildo in it"
>I can't handle this shit
>end the call, mixed emotions, don't know whether to laugh or cry
>violently do both
>next day I see her, she comes up to me
>"thankyou for the present.. my mom told me to throw it away but i pretended to and its under my bed now"
>she walks away
>never talked to her again
>still wonder if she ever used it
>go over friends house
>get really drunk
>wake up to him spray painting a huge dick on my back
>my asscheeks were the balls
>the rest of the night I have him scrub silver paint off my naked body
No homo though
>I ride a motorbike now
>girl messages me one day
>"i like your bike"
>oh it's on
>your ass is mine
>i ask her out
>"do i get to ride on your bike?"
>say yes, get spare helmet
>go to meet her, she's around 7.5/10
>we talk for half an hour then she gets on the back of the bike
>we go through some windy roads and countryside shit
>she loves it
>suddenly urge to speed
>after sharp corner, I accelerate
>however, didn't see speed bump
>we hit it going quite fast, no damage though
>get jolted a bit but nothing serious
>she flies off the back
>look in my mirrors to see her rolling along the floor
>helmet was cheap as dirt, speed off
The only recorded time I've been a douche AND somehow got away scot free with potentially killing someone.
I don't really have much luck
>she messages me later that day
>"thankyou for today, got some major scrapes though haha!"
>fuck that bitch
>go over friend's house for drinks
>drink so many drinks
>friend is wasted
>making out with girl I had a crush on
>girl whispers in his ear, both look at me
>friend asks if I want to accompany a theesome
>being drunk as fuck, I agree
>start railing girl with my knob
>girl is slobbering on friend's knob
>friend slaps girl in the face and she falls off the bed
>start slobbing on friend's knob
>friend slobs on my knob
>friend tickles the anus
>came on his face
>we both make out while girl is passed out on floor with a bloody nose
No homo though
My life isn't amazingly entertaining, but I do sometimes chuckle at this one:
>Literally dead, we bought 7 crates of beer, 40 bottles each crate
>only 4 of us
>decide we can drink all the beer
If you've ever looked at 280 bottles of beer before you'll know how insane this is, even between 4 people
>music blasting, we begin
>half an hour in and we've drank 7 bottles each
>tipsy already, fuck
>hour later, atleast 20-30+ bottles each
>I remember this clearly, nobody else does
>2 of my friends like "Hey we should compare pubes"
>I'm sat in an armchair, room spinning
>All I can make out is 2 dudes with their pubes out comparing thickness and length
>I try to say "Put it away!"
>In my extreme drunkness I say
I shit you not
>"Put them in me"
I don't know why I said it but it wasn't supposed to be said
>my friends look at each other, nearly falling over
>they come near me with their pubes out
>friend falls over, lands in other friends pubes
>his dick comes out, hits fallen friend in face
>I am dying from laughter
>4th friend who was outside looking in from the door has disapeared
>2 pube friends busy thrwing up while I go find him
>He's in the shed
>He's got his dick stuck in the hole in the shed wall
>He thought it was a real glory hole
>I pass out
When I woke up, the 2 pube friends were eating cereal, i don't think they knew what happened, and the shed guy was still in the shed but not in the glory hole
I have more drunk stories (actually decent ones, this one is the first that came to me)
>in 7th grade
>home and careers class with evil teacher
>I sit right in front of tard
>his face looks like playdough
>he is always making weird noises
>teacher adores him
>one day we are doing a project
>sort of like a newspaper bingo
>involves cutting shit out of newspaper and gluing it on the bingo sheet
>tard is the only one who can't do it
>I can see him blubbering to himself with his scissor in hand
>eventually he screams out "I CAN'T DO IT" and slams scissors on the table
>scissors fly by my head at mach 10 as I narrowly dodge them
>all eyes on tard as he cries
>teacher ignores the whole scissor scene
teacher consoles him.
>Friend buys scotch
>big bottle of the stuff
>tastes like the sour nipples of a hookers decaying corpse
>we do like 15 shots each
>decide to go out
>hit the town
>friend starts having a mental breakdown
>"WHY DOESN'T SHE LOVE ME, ANON?"
>"I HAVE THE DICK, I HAVE THE MUSCLES"
>"I EVEN HAVE A JOB, WHY DOESN'T SHE WANT ME?"
>At this point people are stopping and staring from across the street
>I'm dazed out but still able to handle shit
>"I don't know man maybe she just wants someone else"
>"NO. I AM THAT SOMEONE ELSE. I'M GETTING HER BACK"
>he whips his phone out, calls girl
>"BITCH IM COMING FOR YOU"
>He staggers down the road towards her house
>I follow a few steps behind
>We finally manage to get there and there's a police car outside
>"shit man we gotta go"
>"NO ANON, IT'S A TEST"
>"No man it's the cops"
>He runs into her front door
>"ANONETTE, LET ME IN"
>Police officer opens door
>cuffs him, looks over at me
>I'm stood there swaying like the eiffel tower in a hurricane
>"Are you with this man?" police say
>"No I'm his owner"
>TF did I just say?
>Policeman looks at me funny
>I walk away
>Friend goes to station for questioning
>rings me in the morning
>"Why was I at the police station?"
>"I don't know man"
Have you never tried to down as many bottles as possible?
It's actually easier the more you drink, for example, if you drink one bottle, the next will be easier as your mind starts to numb more
At some points you can down 1 bottle a minute with excess burping points to release gas.
Also, pissing while drinking is an effective way of making room and filling room at the same time.
Efficient drinking is a mans best friend, friend.
Your wish is my command
>Drunk as fuck with friend and his dad
>not sure how it happened, only went round to watch a film
>friends dad is a total dick
>beats friend sometimes and lashes out a lot
>he says to friend "wanna fight?"
>friend is like "no dad, please"
>weird as fuck
>he looks at me
>"anon, want to fight?"
>"only if we wear protection"
>i meant boxing gloves
>"what the fuck are you a homo faggot?"
>I've angered the beast
>friends dad is 5'7 but wide
>could probably kill me
>he stands up, drunk as fuck
>he trips and falls into TV
>he shit himself
>friend is in hysterics
>friends dad is crying
>I say bye and stagger out the front door
>all i can hear down the street is laughing and crying
>smell of shit still in my nose
>first time round a girls house
>we have vodka
>"do you want to play truth or dare?"
>she goes first
>"i dare you to take a shot of vodka!"
>i take a shot of vodka
>throat feels like satans toilet paper
>"i refilter the vodka"
>"i refilter the vodka!"
>what does that even mean
>"it makes it stronger!, don't worry!"
>my turn, dare
>"take another shot!"
this goes on for ages, i take tons of shots, she always chose truth
found out her bra size was 32C, she masturbates, her favourite porn is teen
>she randomly starts laughing uncontrollably,
>I'm a bit out of it due to the vodka that is corroding my body
>"when i said i refilter the vodka"
>why is she bringing this up
>"i meant i pour it into a glass"
>Why would you do that
>"and put a maxi pad over the top of the bottle and pour it back in"
>I vomit everywhere
>crazy psycho bitch laughs even harder
>I run as fast as my drunken legs can take me
>don't even know where to go
>end up passing out in a bush
I can remember the majority of my drunken states, it's only when I drink certain stuff like wine that my memory becomes fuzzy.
Also if I get high, I don't remember a lot after I'm high
I'm going to start pushing more into girl stories
I am weird with girls
>Girl from school
>Stalk her fb
>Average life, average family, average friends
>pop up to her, "hey"
>she sees it but doesnt reply
>she sees it, starts typing
>we have a super awkward conversation
>"i have to go do chores now bye"
>she's still online, lying bitch
>I send her another message
>i tactically made sure i sent it a good 10 minutes after she said bye
>she instantly replied with "i will"
>she lied, the lil slut
>contain my rage
>next day at school
>she says hey back and is all happy to see me/talk to me etc
>invites me to walk with her on the field
>"im sorry about yesterday, I didn't know if you were real or not, ever since I went on chatroullette weird guys have been stalking me"
>I laugh, "we're not all weird"
>"what? you go on chatroullete? ew you freak! I bet you stalked me!"
>shrug my shoulders
>she storms off
>get known as 'the webcam cum man'
>no idea wtf happened
>she still smiles at me when we cross paths
>on vacation in Japan
>staying in a hotel
>high school nearby
>have a camera
>decide to make a porno
>go stand outside
>avoid looking suspicious
>look for 10/10 sexy chicks
>see a few grouped up
>"I'm making a movie... you wanna be in it?"
>three agree to come with me
>back to hotel
>be like "ok! it's a porn movie"
>one is like "eww pervert"
>other two giggle
>the one who said "eww" leaves
>the two stay
>be like "can you kiss?"
>take my pants down
>two mouths on my dick
>kissless virgin before this
>TWO MOUTHS ON MY DICK
>cum all over their faces
>be like "I'm sorry"
>realize I feel weird
>look at my dick
>look in the mirror
>be a Japanese girl
>actually cute as fuck
I-I don't get it
>Be at best friends house
>he has like 50 cats
>his mum is divorced so whatever
>one day im round his for a few days, chillin
>suddenly get the urge to fart
>my friend is still asleep, im in his kitchen
>he always makes toast in the morning
>fart into toaster, bare back
>laughing under my breathe so hard
>a small tiny fragment of poop lands in the toaster
>doesnt fall out when i tip toaster upside down
>knife just scrapes it around more
>decide to leave it
>friend comes down a few hours later
>puts bread in toaster
>toaster starts to smell really bad
>really fucking bad
>he takes toast out
>goes to butter it
>notices little dabs of brown along the bottom of one of the pieces of toast
>"AH FUCK THE CAT SHIT IN THE TOASTER AGAIN"
>I dribble from laughing uncontrollably
>got away with shitting in his toaster
I find this gif funny, and slightly relevant. Holeeee fuck nigga, I kek'd so hard tho
Another, from earlier:
>have a dog called Unchi (means poop)
>new neighbor is an old man
>he smells funny, not bad but weird
>one morning he approaches me
>"hello there little girl"
>he rubs his beard
>he asks "have you seen my dick?"
>"no, sorry, I have not seen your dick"
>"oh, ok, tell me if you do see it, ok?"
>few days later
>mom is like "I found a dick in the backyard"
>"OHHH YAY, the old man next door lost his!"
>mom has wtf.jpg face
>"are you sure he said dick?"
>annoying kid tone "yes mom, he said dick"
>decide to give him his dick back together
>ring his doorbell
>mom is like "we have your dick"
>old guy is like "w-what?! but my dick is in my pants"
>be like "but you told me you lost your dick"
>he's like "oh child, I don't know how to explain"
>mom is like "are you a pervert?"
>he's like "yes, I tried to flirt with your daughter"
>be like "wtf"
>"I'm 12 you sick fuck"
>take both of his dicks
>bury them in the backyard
>DID HE HAVE TWO DICKS!?!?!?
Been wanting to use this jpg on a non-porn/fap thread for ages
>rolling along the floor
mfw this was a made up story that played out on the floor in anons house
>Parents are going on work trip
>Dad ask me to watch my twin sister Amy
>He says im the man of the house and to call if anything goes wrong
>They finally leave
>Fuck yeah lets party
>Goto computer, jerk it, then play COD.
>Fast forward to 8pm
>Sister gets home from friends house
>She goes right to her room and doesnt say shit to me
>What a bitch!
>15min later she comes out of her room in her night clothes
>Shes wearing only a large white T-shirt and pink panties
>Sits down on couch next to me
> Says she wants to watch Dexter
>Fuck that im playing COD
>She gives me a dirty look
>Tell her to fuck off cuz i was here first
>She purposly walks in front of the tv on the way to the kitchen
>Ends my killstreak
>Whatever, im not letting her get to me tonight...
>Its now dark and raining outside
>She comes back with some ice water and insists that i let her watch Dexter after the game is finished
>I try to comprimise
>Say ill let her watch in an hour since its recorded on the DVR so theres no real rush
>She walks up and turns off the xbox
>Im gonna strangle this bitch!!!
>Stand up and about to yell at her
>We both jump
>Power goes out
>Completly forget what i was mad about
>Cant see shit/
>she's into blood and stuff
>cuts ehrself and tries to make me cut myself and touch blood
>she stabs me with a sharp object idfk what it was
>she pushes her cut arm onto my new freshly sliced arm
>"now we're the same"
>tell her I have hepatitis
>she screams and runs home crying
rumour is she went to the hospital and got injections and everything
>"Anon?! Where are you?"
>"Im right here Amy, just give me a sec"
>Find phone and use flashlight to go get a candle from the kitchen
>Amy whines for me to hurry up
> Shes afraid of thunderstorms
> I am too but i'm too stubborn to tell her
> Light candles
> Place them on the table next to the couch
> We both sit down
> I try to comfort her while i secretly shit bricks
> Thunder cracks again with lightning this time, briefly lighting up the whole room
> I jump so high i hit head on the lamp above the couch
> Oh fuck...
> Cover is blown
> She looks at me and quickly runs to her bedroom
> Fuck that im not sitting here alone in the dark
> Follow her
> Make my way to her bedroom door and cant see shit, i just hear a faint whimper in the distance
> "Amy? Stop fucking around and come out from where your hiding"
>Walk through her room thinking i should have brought my damn flashlight
> Cant find her, but i can hear her
> I manage to find the closet door...
> Open it
> Cant see shit, i only hear crying in the back of the closet
> Fuck this dude...
> I trip on a shoe or something and fall face first into the closet
> Amy screams
> I hit the ground, happy that i didn't bang my head on anything
> i feel around, trying to find Amy
> I stumble again and accidentally land on her
> "There you are Amy.. What are you doing in the closet?"
> "I was scared Anon, i didn't know what else to do..."
> THUNDER CRACKS
> Her open window blows the closet door shut
>i try to find the doorknob with both hands, completly unaware which direcrtion the door is...
> I accidentally grab Amys tits
> "Oh shit Amy... my bad"
> Find door handle
> YES FINALLY...
> "Umm what the fuck Amy... Its not opening...."
> Its a really old house and the door is swollen shut from the humidity
> Try using all my force to open it
> No dice
> Try again and fail
> Fall back onto Amy
> My head is now buried in Amys small tits
> "What the fuck anon"
> "Shit... Sorry..."
> I get up to try again
>THUNDER SO LOUD FEELS LIKE THE HOUSE IS SHAKING
>Amy grabs me and pulls me close
>i grab her too cuz im scared as fuck, im not trying to hide it anymore
> Notice that shes really warm and her skin is incredibly soft
> Start to get hard...
> Oh fuck, not now...
> She doesnt notice so i keep holding her
> We can hear the rain hitting harder
>THUNDER CRACKS AGAIN
> Amy jumps on my lap
> Feels good man....
> Im so hard... I cant believe that she hasnt noticed...
> I wrap my hands around her belly, pulling her closer...
> Lighning gets more aggressive
> We hear trees getting broken by the wind outside
> Amy is grabbing my basketball shorts really tight cuz shes scared
> She keeps wiggling around
> My dick is now diamonds
> "Anon? What's that in your pocket?"
> Oh fuck...
> Its.. its just my cell phone sis...
> "Are you serious, Anon? You've had your cell phone this whole time? Let me see it so i can use the flashlight"
> Ummm... "No amy its dead"
> "You Liar!!! I just saw you using it when you were playing COD"
> She reaches into my shorts to take it from me
> Her hand grabs my rock hard cock
> Oh fuck... Shes going to kill me...
> She is just sitting there, looking at me...
> She hasnt released my dick yet and i dont know why....
> "Omg Anon... Is this... Is this your penis??!!"
> I sit there silently, not knowing what to say.... But her hand is still on my cock....
> "Why are you hard anon? Was i turning you on?"
> I look at the floor, ashamed...
> "Your such a fucking perv Anon... im your sister"
> "Im sorry Amy, you were just wiggling around on my lap and i couldnt help it...."
> She grips my cock tighter and starts moving her hand up and down....
> Holy fuck... she is doing this...
> She looks at me with this evil grin and says, "If you ever tell anyone about this, ill tell mom and dad you molested me and they'll send you to boot camp or something"
> I just nod my head in compliance...
> She pushes my against the wall in the back of the closet and pulls down my shorts...
> Omg yes...
> Its so dark, all i can she is the silhouette of her blond hair going down toward my cock....
> I feel her mouth inches from my cock, breathing on it... smelling it....
> I cant take it anymore im in pure fuck mode...
> I push her head down into my cock and she takes it all the way down to her throat
> She gags and comes back up, but then plunges down again on her own
> Pure fucking ecstasy
> She keeps sucking me while i start to feel her tits through her shirt
> Her little nipples are so hard...
> She lets out a little moan while my dick is in her mouth....
> FUCK YES
> I find the bottom of her T-Shirt and pull it up over her head, revealing her sexy little tits
> She looks at me and smiles, then goes right back to sucking me
> I grab her head and start skullfucking her
> I hear her choking and i dont give a fuck
> Thunder hits and we both jump, forcing my dick all the way down her throat
> I hold her there
> Lightning flashes outside the closet door which makes it so i can see for a brief second
> I look down at her and my dick is so buried in her throat that her eyes are wide open and tearing
> I notice what im doing and let her go
> She gasps for air and slaps me in the face
> I try to say im sorry, but she covers my mouth with her hand and pulls down her panties
> I can smell how wet she is, the heat coming off of her little pussy is insane
> "Its your turn Anon"
> I reach around her back and cup her ass, pulling her in towards my mouth
> I start ravaging her little slit with my tounge
> Shes moaning like crazy now, gripping my hair with both hands and pulling me into her
> I start tounge fucking her
> Shes bucking her hips like crazy
> Fuck i cant take it anymore...
> I flip her onto her back
> I cant wait any longer Amy...
> I position myself over her, rubbing my dick up and down her slit...
> I dont listen, i'm in a trance...
> I push in deeper while shes squirming under me, trying to push me off...
> I feel her hymen... I didnt expect her to be a virgin...
> I dont care i need this...
> I thrust hard and break her hymen, Amy screams but that doesnt stop me....
> I fuck her harder and harder until she stops screaming and starts moaning..
> Shes so fucking wet now... Its incredible....
> I feel myself about to blow, but I dont stop... I just keep pounding her pussy...
> She can feel that im about to cum, and trys to push me off again
> I pin her arms at her sides and push into her as deep as i can go
> I can feel the cum pouring out of my dick into my sisters little pussy
> She just lays there, completly still
> I pumped every last drop into her pussy...
> I pull out and watch the blood and cum pour out of her...
> Fuck yes....
> She looks at me and says... "Anon... you... you raped me...."
> I stood up and walked to the closet door, and busted it open.
> It was still stormy outside...
> I look back at her huddled in the corner of the dark closet and said
>"WELL YOU SHOULDNT HAVE ENDED MY KILLSTREAK BITCH!!!!"
> Then i slammed the door shut and went and made a sandwich.
>be 12 (a few weeks later)
>have a dog called Unchi (this time she's relevant!)
>she sleeps in my room
>be sick, some stomach bug
>school tomorrow unless I get more sick
>Unchi wakes me by licking my face
>be like "not now Unchi I'm sleeping"
>she barks like crazy
>"I AM YOUR GOD, YOU SHALL WORSHIP!!!"
>the flesh surrounds the window
>hole to bleached fingers
>these are my bones
>climb within thy heart, child, for I am prosper
>open the window
>She looks at me with this evil grin
>Its so dark, all i can she is the silhouette of her blond hair going down toward my cock....
in one instant you can see her distinct facial features and in the next you can not. please make fake stories believable before posting them.
>sleeping at a travel lodge
>look out window
>see an old woman in a robe (opened up)
>she's naked under the robe
>the winds blowing the robe open
>she's just stood there
>decide to go to sleep
>look out window
>robe is just there on the floor
Weirdest night/morning ever
>me and a friend decided to start a band
>sat in his garage with amps
>his sister (17 at the time, 8/10) comes by and listens
>she sits on my amp
>i start chugging
>we're getting into it
>suddenly his sister lets out a sexual moan
>the vibrations from my amp
>she looks at us then runs back into the house
>named our band 'the pleasures'
I got another story about the tard, should've done this one first
>Be in home and careers
>beginning of the year
>friends talking during test, teacher thinks it's me and sends me to the tard's table
>have to sit here for the rest of the goddamn year
>we take that stupid "following instructions" quiz that involves you reading the instructions first or else you look like an idiot.
>tard of course did it wrong and didn't notice
>he looks at his work gallantly
>teacher explains the quiz and tells all the kids who fucked up would've failed the test if it were real.
>tard thinks he actually failed the test and starts crying
>I start slowly moving back because this kid is fucking huge
>he screams in a fit of rage "TOO MUCH"
>friends and I put our heads on the table and begin laughing uncontrollably
>teacher gives us the death stare
>mfw we have to deal with this for the rest of the year
Most of my shit related stories aren't funny, more borderline gross as fuck
>be in car with 4 other people, every seat taken
>im in back, near window
>really need to shit but maintaining control
>every 5 minutes i let out a silent cloud of gas to stop myself from exploding
>working, window open so smell is concealed
>2 hours later, out the car
>legs feel weird
>get into my house
>take pants off
>legs covered in shit
>dripping, wet shit
>the type of shit you get when you mix milkshake powder with water and throw it at a door
>sit in the shower and rethink everything
>Spice is still legal in MO
>Respond to CL ad for a couple looking for a third to eat his wife out
>Meet with couple in casino hotel room
>Chat with couple, find out man is son of biggest pot farmer in MO
>Wife is daughter of Ashley Home and Furniture owners
>Have a couple screwdrivers, things are cool
>Eat out wife for a while
>Ask me about weed/spice.
>I've smoked spice before everything's cool.
>Hit up with wife
>Learn that it is "100% Pure Evil"
>Everything changes colors and I cannot move or think
>Fear that I have been drugged with PCP and am about to be raped/murdered
>After a while still tripping dude tries to get me to kiss his cock while wife is in bathroom
>When she comes back asks if I want to eat her out again
>Tripping hard, about to be stabbed, I say I'll watch while they fuck
>Guy sticks his tiny dick in wife
>"Ohh, it feels like you're hitting my ribs!"
>Flee from room like a ninja to avoid being stabbed/raped
>Plan out routes to escape hotel
>Breathe fresh air, run and hide in an alley
>Thankful I didn't die that night
>Never go outside again
Probably never opened their door.