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ITT: We all work in the same office.
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The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.
You are currently reading a thread in /b/ - Random

Thread replies: 165
Thread images: 71
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ITT: We all work in the same office.

The dildomatron 6900 is broke again, someone call an IT guy to fix it.
>>
>>561109339
IT guy here, have you tried turning it off and on again?
>>
IT guy here, have you tried exiting from the building through the window?
>>
>>561109657
>>561109525
I've tried both, but I think it's a mechanical problem.
>>
>>561109339
Just call the L2 IT department directly. That won't totally fuck up their day if we do it over and over all the time forever.
>>
>>561110431
I tried but all of the /g/ department is caught up breaking all of their equipment to do anything productive.
>>
>>561109339
You need to upgrade to the dildomatron 7900. I'll get you a price quote.
>>
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>>561109339
try un-lodging it from your throat
>>
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HR guy here, I'm sensing a lot of hostility between coworkers, remember to come to me if you have any issues.
>>
> comes in 27 minutes late.
> eats four of the dozen doughnuts Sally brought in this morning.
> finishes off the last pot of coffee, and doesn't put a new one on.

Hi my named Geoff.
>>
>>561109970
Have you updated Java?
>>
>>561109339
>come in 30 mins late
>browse /b/ immediately

FUCK OFF
>>
>>561113006
Hi Jeoff. Nice to meet you. I am sandy. Management said the housing project had been moved to your division. How is that going?
>>
>>561114184
Fuck off Sandy, no one was talking to you
>>
>>561114184
Well, Sandy, after that colossal fuck-up you did with the cities housing administration It's been tough cleaning up your mess.
>>
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>>561112052
SHUT UP TOBY, NOBODY NEEDS YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT
>>
IT guy here. You need to update adobe reader
>>
>>561114736

How do I do that?
>>
>>561109339
Hi I'm Rodger, and I'm going to kill everyone in the building tomorrow with a chainsaw dressed up as Fran Drescher.
>>
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>>561114943
Rodger
>>
>>561114943
Rodger the fucking costume party isn't until Sunday. doesn't anyone read the fucking notice board round here.
>>
>>561114782

just give it to me I'll take a look
>>
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hey anyone get those spt reports from Mr. grebmul guys?
>>
>>561114184
Hi Sandy, If you don't mind donning some cleaning gloves and coming with me, I am afraid I need your assistance with a pressing matter.

It appears that anon in cubicle 420 has left a floater in the fish tank. If you would be so kind as to fetch it out and submit it to ratemypoop I would be most grateful.
>>
new accountant here
>>
>>561115481
I work at an office and I literally do like 5 of these 3 letter reports every day its just like office space
>>
Shut the fuck up faggots! Im counting my money.
>>
>>561115819
shut up Mr Peterson. we all know your the fucking CEO OK?
>>
>>561109339
IT guy here.

The new version of Dildomatron has %windir% compatability issues, we are currently working on a hotfix but in the meantime you can get it running again by deleting System32.

Sincerely, faggot
>>
>>561115929
Get the fuck out my office you klutz.
>>
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>>561115481
>>
btw /b/ i just got fired from an office :D
like 2 hours ago
>>
>>561116008
But John.. you are the office.
>>
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>>561115142
THATS WHAT SHE SAID
>>
>>561115957
Excuse me IT guy, while you're here can you teach me how to start my computer?
>>
someone please winrar this fucking thread
>>
>>561116102
You're right..I want everyone to welcome our new broker, danny.
>>
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>>561116319
Welcome on board, I'm Ramon, nice to meat you
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>>561115125
Sorry sir..
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>>561116535
My name's not even Ramon
>>
Oy vey bad GOYIM stop talking, get your ass back to work.
>>
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Mr. Sanderson, C.E.O. here. This is Mittens. Mittens told me a lot of interesting things about you gentlemen
>>
>>561109339
Download Adobe Reader.
>>
>>561116875
For the last time Sanderson, You're the COO, not the CEO, you dense fucking twat.
>>
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>>561109339
Office know it all here, you need to reload the javascript, then turn it off and wait ten minutes, and turn it back on. then press the windows button ten times before it starts the in the normal screen to get into the mainframez.
Also did you guise know that chocolate and wine are good for your health. The 7.30 news report said so.
That's why I have a draw full of chocolate at my desk. I know lots about health things and such. Ask me anything...
>>
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>>561117094
Why are you fat?
>>
>>561117094
Hey quit taking up all the office space.Go exercise.
>>
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I accidentaly recreated mr Sandersons profile in Active directory with the wrong name. I spelled it "surstromson". Now all applications with intellisync will sync with that name. Can't be reverted. Sorry.
>>
>>561117029
Oh... Right... You get a promotion, Mr... Anon, was it?
>>
i hate all of you
>>
>>561115142

Are you almost finished? I need to print flyers for Dave's birthday.
>>
okay guys who the fuck was again on porn sites?
>>
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>>561117448
Fuck you weaboo
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>>561117435
I can work with that. From now on, call me Mr. Surstromson Also, you're fucking fired.
>>
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>>561117331
It's A GLAND PROBLEM...This is harassment...
H.R??? I need to make a 20 page report about Michaels derogatory comments about my appearance.
I am a PROFESSIONAL
>>
>>561117415
I'm adding your comments in my HR complaint too...TOBY?!! Where are you?!
>>
>>561117615
Honestly tho: That is one HOT fatty. And I neeeever like fatties
>>
Remember Susan the gril from accounts, shes pregnant again will be of on maternity plus prob sick related maternity for the next year. Well Us grils are collecting for her, come on guys give generously.
>>
>>561117615
You're fired, too. For being an office distraction. Also, you smell of tuna, strong perfume, and vagisil. It's gross.
>>
>>561114184
HEY EVERYONE YOU CAN FUCK SANDY AND SHE WONT REFUSE
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>>561117615
You're a landwhale.
>>
Rodger dodger here again, friendly reminder that I'll be murdering all of you with lawn tools in 23 hours.
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>>561117850
Yes, Yes, Mr. dodger. Leave it on my desk and get the fuck out of my sight, I'm trying to internet.
>>
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>>561117615
Please follow me to my condo, I have business to discuss
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>>561117850
Here, have a snickers
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>>561117949
Will do sir.
>>
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>>561117596
I accidentaly spilled coffee on our only database server that's working properly atm. Backup team will have you up and going in a day.
I also made a rule that sets the related picture as wallpaper on all computers connected to the network. Sorry again.
>>
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>>561117850
That guy is a loser
>>
>>561117826
>>561117959
>>561117785
>>561117698
MUH TRIGGERS. FIRE ME?!! I will be back, with a lawyer and I will SUE YOU ALL. ALL OF YOU...Oppression!! Check yo privileged.
I AM A Beautiful woman beast-kin.
>>
>>561113709
You sadist
>>
>>561116168
Certaintly, do as the instructions tell you to do in ยง4.2 of the user manual.

Simply rub your penis gland against the RAM and press F13 simultaneously to jump start it using kinetic energy.
>>
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Hi all I'm Dave or creep as my... friends call me. I just got hired yesterday, what can I do around here?
>>
>>561118119
Where did those bees get that green conference table? I WANT ONE IN THE PORN LOUNGE!!!
>>
GODDAMMIT WHO DRANK ALL THE GODDAMN COFFEE? I JUST MADE A GODDAMN FRESH POT! I SWEAR I'M HONG TO MURDER ALL OF YOU. ESPECIALLY YOU PAM!
>>
have you downloaded google ultron?
>>
Ey ya'll Jarome here, i'll bes in the baffroom if ya'll needz me
>>
>>561117972
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUeuPFTeHkA
>>
>>561117697
Sorry bitch, but im vip.So suck my cock.
>>
>>561117094
>>561117615
Throw in rants about muh government conspiracies and it's like a clone of an old coworker.
God I don't miss her. Bipolar bitch.
>>
Guys, take a look out the window.

Isn't that plane flying too low?

Isn't it heading toward the twin tower 1?
>>
Which one of you cunts hid my Cheese pizza!

I was fucking saving it for later you fuckers
>>
>>561118728
It's just Superman you autistic faggot. Get back to work.
>>
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>>561118728
Oh my god! that's us!!
>>
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Guys, what's for lunch?
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>>561118728
Keep calm everybody in the conference room in five minute
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>>561119015
You were supposed to order, faggot. Start taking down orders and hope to god we're not late for the delivery service.
>>
>>561119127
There's a problem, the conference room is only 3.5 metres large. Where do we go?
>>
>>561117440
I'm actually being transferred to Chicago.. so I'll be dead by the end of the week.
The wife would get my pension, but she's left me for someone in HR.. a cruel irony, really.
>>
>>561119136
Herro prees, mi namu Takashi.
>>
>>561113006

Haha, no. Your name is Jeff, your Jeff now
>>
>>561119136
>>
>>561110431
Don't worry, CTO here.

>>561109339
You've been using the 6900 for 9 years and you've given us 0 budget to replace it. I'd tell you to go fuck yourself but I see you're already busy doing that.

>>561112052
Hey, boss called. Did you get the minutes for the last management meeting? How's the search for the new recruit going? Can I have a copy of my CV by COB? Cheers

>>561114943
Rodger, we know. Please stop googling "legal defence murder", you're killing our IPoAC connection.

>>561115819
Sir, the feds are here. They want to ask you about that dead Guatemalan hooker in our server room.
>>
>>561119424
Hai, mai neyme iz Juan, Aym heer too cleen.
>>
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>>561119212
Ok now we can talk
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>>561119525
Herro Juan, i creen 2.
>>
*The fillyhopper and the uraniumjammer in the printer breaks*
>>
>>561119424
Okay Kato, just get me a mozarella ciabatta.
>>
>>561119709
Shit. Can someone get a tech person in here? I really need to print Dave's flyers before tomorrow.
>>
>>561119954

We busy now, hold up while we finish browsing 4cha,...

I MEAN, while we finish the previous ticket
>>
>come in 2 hours late after smoking 420 bowls of og dank swamp kush
>sit at computer and stare at picture of shrek until shift is ogre
>go home and smoke more og dank swamp kush
>shrek is love, shrek is life
>>
>>561119848
Eh, I would, but I have to slack off somewhere right now
>>
Seriously! Who keeps eating all the donuts in the break room? Also who took my stapler off my desk?
>>
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BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
>>
>>561119127
>>561118840


hah, you are right, nothing to worry about.

Btw, those stupids in the other building are smoking again... -_-
>>
>>561120590
dat me mane
>>
>>561118307
Ask you department manager
>>
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>>561120693
oh fuck.
>>
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*ignores all of you and continue working diligently*
>>
>>561120719
Come on johnny. You smell like weed every day and you just steal everyone's staplers you piece of shit.

>>561120693
Who let a fucking dog in the office? Someone control that mutt
>>
>>561120876
fucking nerd
>>
>>561120876

Mr. Anderson, why is your computer turned off?

Where the fuck are you supposed to be typing?

Meet me up in my office at 10.00
>>
>>561120891
but you're my father in law so you can't fire me. smell ya later
>>
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>>561120693
...

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEW
>>
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>>561120869
>>561120693

Guys, I think the dog did something to Sarah.. Also, did anybody notice the fog outside..? I feel weird..
>>
install gentoo
>>
HE JUST THE WHOLE FLESHLIGHT!!!
>>
>>561121035
Jenny why are you sitting on the floor. And why are you making cat noises?
I'm going to have to report you to HR.
>>
>>561121198
that fucker.
>>
>>561120243
Your time with this company is orge, please clean out your swamp by 5:00pm and return your donkey to the front desk.
>>
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>>561121168
Guys...
>>
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>>561116875
Sanderson that girl you brought in here last thursday looked pretty young
>>
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>>561121035
HEY CUTIE
>>
>>561115125
Why do we insist on having those remember Thomas's outfit last time?
>>
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>>561121607
looks normal to me.
James.. you aren't feeling guilty about anything, are you?
>>
>>561121881
I.. um.. N-no.. I..
>>
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>>561122156
ANSWER US JAMES
>>
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>>561122612
OH GOD, BOSS, HELP.
>>
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>>561122915
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M BUSY?
>>
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>>561123557
SOMEBODY HAND ME A WOODEN PLANK!
>>
Hey guys, I'm Dale, the guy who got the higher paying job because my daddy is a high up CEO.

>Installs Dota2 on work computer nearly first thing.
>>
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Why does this kid work here?
>>
>>561124041
new intern program. don't ask questions. don't you have the Jefferson profile to be catching up on.
>>
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>>561123985
It won't help James.
JUST ACCEPT IT.
>>
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>>561123995
dota is kill
bark bark
>>
>>561123995
Your computer broke over lunch, something about a "boot error".. so we've replaced it with one of the old Gateways from 2000. hope you don't mind that it'll take IT a few months to get it fixed, you'll be fine, right?
>>
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Look faggots!
I'm playing fucking flight simulator.
>>
>>561114184
GOD SANDY YOU SLUT
>>
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>>561124592
>Will you go down?
FUCK NO.
>>
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>>561125056
DO IT JAMES
>>
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>>561124925
Who the hell let you install that??? You dont have admin access...
>>
>>561109339
Jesus Christ, I just went to go get coffee and now shits all fucked up.
>>
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>>561125205
GODDAMNIT, SOMEBODY CALL HR ON THIS BITCH. I FEEL REALLY SEXUAL FRUSTRATED AND HARASSED RIGHT NOW.
>>
>>561124767
Well fuck. That's okay, I can use my laptop from home, that's fine? Right?
[internal screaming intensifies]
>>
Sorry i'm late for work. I just happened to break my arm yesterday so it's kind of hard to lift stuff *cough cough*
>>
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>>561125373
HI, THIS IS MARY IN HR, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
>>
>4chan.org is now blocked on all office computers
>>
>>561125407
uhhh.. nope. The IT guys say that it fucks with the routers if we bring anything in.
hey.. psst.. tip from the pros, if you get bored and feel a little.. adventurous, you can play minesweeper when nobody's looking.
>>
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>>561125505
...I..
>>
Mmm hmm mm hmm
>>
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>>561125601
Oh! Look! The dept. head of HR is in! You said that you wanted to file a complaint to him, right?
>>
>>561118273
Suck dick for bus change, and download gay porn. Also I need some tps reports by next Monday.
>>
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>>561125720
W-what's going.. on.. over there..

>>561125612
DO YOU NOT SEE THIS SHIT?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST SITTING THERE!?
>>
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>>561118273
Make this the background on every monitor
>>
>>561121198
Son of a bitch.
>>
>>561125969
It's the new intern, she and the HR head had a thing once. Cover your eyes, right about, now.
>>
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>>561125969
NOTHING YOU HAVENT ALREADY DONE, JAMES.
>>
>>561125573
But we can still get on reddit right? (^:
>>
>>561126430
>>561126382

*pukes everywhere*
>>
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>>561126669
>>
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>>561126669
DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TELL US?
ANYTHING ON YOUR MIND JAMES?
>>
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>>561127263
gralblablablb...
>>
>>561127263
Well, that's HR for you. No wonder their pay isn't as good as the working man.
>>
OK OWN UP WHO SPERMED OVER THE WHITE BOARD AGAIN

FOR THE LAST TIME IT IS NOT YOUR SEX TOY

HONESTLY I AM GOING TO BRING BACK BLACKBOARDS, WE NEVER HAD THAT PROBLEM THEN>
>>
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>>561127471
GOOD NEWS JAMES! YOU'VE BEEN TRANSFERRED!
>>
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>>561127801
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