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ITT: Times we were totally alpha as kids
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The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

You are currently reading a thread in /b/ - Random

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ITT: Times we were totally alpha as kids

>be me
>end of 8th grade
>already not able to go to dave & busters on last day of school
>already not able to go to 8th grade grad dance party
>can barely go to "graduation" ceremony
>sitting at lunch, chillin and eating mozzarella sticks like a fucking beast
>5.75/10 hoe comes up to me
>"the fuck do you want"
>"i need a favor, and youre like the only one who would actually do it"
>"ok, what is it"
>"i need you to go pour milk on femanon"
>"why the fuck do you want me to pour milk on her? arent you guys like friends or some shit"
>"yeah, i guess, but she's wearing the same outfit as me today"
>"yeah, fuck that. im not getting into that shit"
>"please, ill do anything..."
>shes a six on a good day, but i dont really give a shit
>pouring milk on a girl for a bj is definitely worth it
>tell her to buy milk
>acquire milk
>need to make it look like an accident
>mfw im planning milk shaming like its a murder
>spot girl across lunchroom
>time to make my move

better be sweet
do it
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>start walking towards her
>open up milk carton and take a sip for good measure
>when i get like 3 feet away from her, i pretend to trip and eat shit
>milk goes flying all over the goddamn place
>bitch is covered in more whole milk that a white mans frosted mini wheats
>mfw shes part of a complete breakfast now
>she starts crying and runs away
>one of her friends calls me an asshole and storms off to
>like i fucking care
>walk back to my table to eat more mozzarela sticks
>my friends are sitting there with wide open mouths
>thinking casper the horny ghost must be at it again
>they ask if it was an accident or on purpose
>my fall looked totally legit, hell yes
>go to english class after lunch
>fucking security shows up to get me

he looks like the bad mage from aladin
Finish the story OP
>Part of a complete breakfast

my sides left orbit! Go on you motherfucker
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>be me, age 7
>have judo lessons
>be really shit at it
>at school
>weird kid bugs me all day
>he wants to taste the power of JUDO
>he proceeds to try and strangle me from behind (no kidding, he really was a little shit)
>do him pic related
>he suffers a lot
>asthma ensues
>later he puked blue stuff in the street
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>mfw shes part of a complete breakfast now

fucking please
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You've got my attention OP, keep going
No, he doesn't look anything like Jafar.
cmon OP
Please continue joe htjb
cmon op
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OP!!! Please!
please continue sir, you have my undivided attention
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Op Wtf faggot
Op quit being a fag
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Waiting on OP
Better not be a faggot OP....
>going to petrocan for smokes
>underage qt outside asks me if I can buy her a pack of smokes.
>lol nope
>buy my drink and smokes
> walk out open new pack of Canadian classics
>proceed to light said smoke clearly in her line of sight.
> look over she's giving me the dirtiest pissed off look ever
> wave, get in my car and leave.

Not really an "alpha" move but it was hillarious.
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we're waiting op

i wish more people pretyped greentext stories

like jesus christ
twitch tv

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op your such a cool guy man for finishing the story
This was like, the perfect start to a porno.

You dun fucked up
Ok, OP is now a faggot
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? ? .
>playing WoW
>really need to pee
>run to bathroom
>start peeing
>cropspray errywhere
>run back to computer
>mom goes in bathroom
>shouts at me for peeing on floor, tells me to wipe it up
>I say no I'm busy
>she mops up my pee
>I'm a level 72 druid
>I got epic items
>alpha as fuck
and op is gone.

you fucking husk.
McDonalds doesn't even take this long.
If OP doesn't deliver
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>mfw op is kill
>be stroking neighbor's cat
>fucking bitch animal scratches me
>kick the little fucker
>run inside
>see neighbor later
>she tells me they had to have the cat euthanized
>thinks a car hit it
>lol fatality
>flawless victory

implying first northrend greens doesn't outscale the fucking BC gear.
>Am outside
>I see child
>I hit him in face
>He cry
>I no care
>be waiting to use ATM
>some fucking cripple in a wheelchair in line ahead of me
>presses the wrong fucking buttons
>gets his card back, goes to put it back in the machine
>I tell him to get to the back of the line because it's my turn at the ATM now
>alpha as fuck
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if I wasn't married and didn't have a daughter maybe. But alas, I'm chained for life now as I love my little girl too much.
>security guard making small talk while hes bringing me up to main office
>im good friends with everyone there
>walk in and as i go down the hall to principal, secretarys and shit asking me "whatd you do this time anon"
>im not a goddamn child you whore, why dont you just keep filing away those middle school report cards into your cavernous vagina
>actually say, "there was a tiny misunderstanding maam :)"
>god dammit i hate these people
>go to principal
>"hey wolff, hows it going"
>"i told you to try and be more respectful anon, i told you to address me like everyone else. dr wolff or sir, anything further is inappropriate"
>"so, what happened this time"
>"i assume that femanon must have come up here and filed a report about the 'milk incident.'
>add a guilty huff for effect
>"you see, hoe femanon told me that she wanted me to throw milk at her for some reason, she wouldnt tell me"
>"i didnt want to do it, but she kept pressuring me, and i was uncomfortable so i was just going to pour milk on her shoe or something, but i tripped and the milk went everywhere. i just feel so bad i made her cry. is she ok?"
>holy shit he is not going to believe this bullshit. im fucked
>"well that somewhat matches the report, although hoe femanon said she told you it was over an outfit problem and she would pay you for it"
>yea paid in kickass dome
>"she said no such thing. im truly sorry and i accept whatever punishment i get"
"you know what anon, thats what i like about you, you always tell the truth when you do something wrong. ill give you a referall, but you can still go to graduation"
>holy fuck he believed me
>next day, i ask hoe femanon for head in the bathroom
>she says no
>"wtf. you said youd do anything"
>"like give you money i meant"
>she gives me 2 dollars
>2 fucking dollars
>not a 2 dollar bill
>not 2 silver dollars
>2 crumpled, old, wrinkly, faded, washingtons
>fuck you so much
>plan my revenge

>telling fictional stories on the internet to appear cool and make retards mad
>afraid to buy cigarattes for a horny teen

yep, definitely not alpha
keep going joe
>mom be giving me a lift to the mall
>I'm eating a bacon roll in the car
>we take a detour through Jew Town
>girl waiting at bus stop outside kike elementary school
>I flick a piece of bacon gristle at her
>alpha as all fuck
OP you're back !!! <3
>be me
>be me
>15yo sister in her room dancing to Miley Cyrus songs
>go in there, tell her to shut the fuck up
>she turns volume up and keeps on dancing
>I punch her really hard in the tit
>she starts crying immediately
>I unplug her speakers
>eject CD and throw it across room
>tell her I hope she gets tit cancer
>back to my room
>play My Chemical Romance really loud
>alpha as fuck
>one day I saw a nigger
>he tried to mug me
>but luckily Zimmerman was there to save me
>he killed the nigger with a boot to th' 'ead
nope, dont wanna hear about how beta you are now
>I crash camel into bridge
>I no care
>I lov it
stop the shitty made up stories
continue pls








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>Pic Rel
>Mom comes home from shopping
>She bought me the wrong brand of toothpaste
>Scream at her until she goes back to the store and gets the right kind
>She gets home
>Rip the toothpaste out of her hands
>Go up to my room
>alpha as fuck
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I'll type out the story of how I rekt a fat black nigress when I was in 8th grade.

>be 14
>been alpha all year, made friends with all the niggers on the basketball team and all the jocks on the football team
>fairly popular because of this
>new girl moves into town
>one of the fattest, blackest niggers I have ever seen
>loud too
>one day I've had enough of her shit
>tell her to shut up
>tell her to shut the fuck up
>she's taken aback, calls me a faggot
>laugh it off and resume talking to my friends
>this goes on for a while, basically have to remind her daily that school isn't a jungle and she doesn't need to screech to attract the other monkeys
>one day when I tell her to shut the fuck up (as I did pretty much daily) she follows me into the hallway and lobs a pen at me
>dodge it and stare at her
>my friends and everyone around steps back thinking I'm about to knock her out
>walk up to her and tell her to apologize to me
>she says no
>bring my fist down onto the binder she's holding, papers everywhere
>walk to next class
>she follows me in
>sit down calmly
>she chimps out
yes plz :3
he is still going
You fucking childish piece of shit. A cat bit you probably because your autistic ass was petting it too damn hard, then you fucking throw a retard-fit and fucking kick a cat, and now you feel proud of it. Now you go on and feel proud of that. Do us all a favor and euthanize yourself you fucking idiot
>trying this hard to be funny
>my chemical romance

actually spit my coffee out at work, solid kek anon
What the fuck man? stop with these goddamn cliffhangers
how's it feel to be a beta virgin fag for life?
im confused on how that makes him a "beta virgin fag" for telling the retard to stop being a retard.
pretty good mate

hueheuhueheu gib money or i report
...k, thanks for the confirmation of your absolute retardation.
>be me
>loner bro
>no one likes me
>always beating the shit out of people who fuck with me
>meet a babe
>turns out shes the this super rich assholes' babe
>rich asshole's friends always annoy the shit out of me
>so i move in to fuck her
>i actually begin to have feelings for her
>but then i hear her talk shit about me
>babe and rich cunt are about to get married
>i sad
>i barge in and take her away
>i fuck her
>she likes
i'm shrek
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keep going op..
Trolling in an ocean of trolls... m8
Woah, you're so sophisticated, look at the way you reply to every semi relaxed post in the thread, pointing out why it's upset you.

You are the embodiment of new /b/, trying to seem like a veteran. With a delicate sprinkling of /v/. No fun allowed huh?

and not knowing that you must gib money or get reported.

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More like being a spoiled bitch
>also mfw my chemical romance
>be me
>Jr in high school
>kids are playing soccer
>I suck but I join anyway
>Asshole kid that made fun of me and some friends all year is there
>didn't give a fuck but whatever.gif
>anyway, sports ensue
>ball is kicked toward me
>extend knee to look like I'm doing something
>Ball immediately flies into asshole kids nose
>"Ohhhhh shiiiitt I just had surgery I'm bleeding"
>he leaves
>everybody is cool with it
>"fuck him anon, he was a bitch anyway"
>never heard from him again
>now part of a complete breakfast

oooh my.
>laugh in her face and tell her to fuck off
>my friends are laughing, everyone else is shocked
>teacher gets on the phone
>she starts talking again, cut her off and say "shut the fuck up"
>she walks out in a huff and picks up her papers
>teacher asked me if I really knocked her shit over
>tell him yes
>"well I'm gonna have to call the assistant principal"
>whatever cunt
>say "You do that."
>assistant principal comes for me
>"anon, what happened in the hallway"
>tell him that she threw a pen at me and I slapped her shit out of her hands
>"alright anon, I won't punish you, but your seat will need to be changed so this doesn't happen again"
>"I thought you said you weren't gonna punish me"
>"well, you two need to be seperated"
>"then move her, my friends sit near me, she's new, she doesn't have any."
>he's slightly appalled at how bluntly I put it
>nothing ever happens with the seats, not sure if he even told the teachers to move me
just continue don't ask if you should.
>day before graduation
>plant stink bombs in main vent shit
>no fingerprints or anything
>go before graduation and set them off
>rooms start filling up with noxious swamp gas
>hear people complaining about the unholy smell of shreks rotten asshole and a can of sardines from the 1939 world fair
>nuclear winter is coming
>stink bombs gradually expell more condensed, smellier gas over time
>see someone vomit
>everyone has to eveacuate
>some third grader had a seizure or something too
>usual suspects are rounded up
>called over one at a time for questioning
>split the 2 dollars with some of the other kids i knew theyd call over so theyd said it was hoe femanons brother
>we all say it was him and his sister was in on it. she bought the ass grenades
>he gets yelled at
>his face
>holy fucking shit his face
>like he was coming up on acid for the first time and was looking at tom hanks wearing the halle berry catwoman suit dancing to polka music
>he gets expelled on last day of school
>mfw i get her brother expelled from the district
>mfw i hear he got sent to military school by his ultra conservative parents
>mfw the girl was grounded for the whole summer
>mfw the girl had condoms and birth control in her room and she gets gps chipped
>bitch got what she deserved
God, i almost choked up from digust after those last few lines. Edgyteenhomo/10 story
8/10 I laughed audibly
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>>like he was coming up on acid for the first time and was looking at tom hanks wearing the halle berry catwoman suit dancing to polka music
All this because she didn't give you head?

I'm pretty fucking new though.

I just felt like replying to you and that other retard because it made me cringe is all, maybe a little upset, congratulations. Never been to /v/ though, I've only been to /b/.

I'm not even sure if I'm trolling anymore.
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Ehhhh bad ending to a good story...
Based and alpha as fuck.
Gg, anon. Gg.
wow, look at your reasonable side...

honestly it's 4:30 am and I'm drunk. I'm sorry newfriend, forgive me baby <3
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>Be me
>Thought i was alpah as fuck
>Was never alpah
>be me
>14 years old
>go downstairs
>notice mom is alseep on sofa
>rub her dick gently
>to nervous so I go upstairs
>like it never happened
>fast forward 2 months, she hasn't done anything else
>outside at lunch
>playing basketball with nigger friends
>nigress comes over
>starts play fighting with some of the niggers
>they know her and tolerate it, not punches are thrown
>she sees me in the group of niggers and I can see the watermelon filled gears in her head grinding out a shitty idea
>she moved here two months ago, doesn't know that I've won a few fights
>decides to "play" fight me
>takes a swing at me, hits me on the shoulder
>shrug it off, pretend like it's a game like with the other niggers
>she throws another punch
>duck under it, sweep her legs, and hook her in the shoulder
>she spins like a ballerina made of melted tootsie rolls
>hits the fence face first
>nigger friends are laughing to tears
>one of them screams "THIS NIGGA'S AN ASSASSIN" at the sight of a leg sweep
>that sentence alone brings me to tears from laughing
>nigress laughed off the basketball court
I never got shit from her again.
nice copypasta
>ballerina made of melted tootsie rolls
top kek
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>>she spins like a ballerina made of melted tootsie rolls

I kek'd
What the hell man, her brother could have been an alright guy, you punished the wrong person.
>raging this hard
>not getting the joke
an hero now.
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>like he was coming up on acid for the first time and was looking at tom hanks wearing the halle berry catwoman suit dancing to polka music
>MFW I didn't think " shes part of a complete breakfast now" couldn't get funnier
Also, good comeback anon.
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>one of them screams "THIS NIGGA'S AN ASSASSIN" at the sight of a leg sweep
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love how you try and kill something legit funny
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>shes part of a complete breakfast now
> 6 years old
> in love with this girl Mary
> actually bought get a (fake) Ruby ring for her birthday at Chuck E Cheese
> we live in the same neighborhood
> have a basketball court in the neighborhood
> invite get to come to the basketball court with me
> get there together
> start shooting hoops
> she asks if she can play
> I just want her to watch me ball out
> keep shooting
> alpha as fuck
They still say that same sentence word for word every time I do something physically out of the ordinary.
I vaulted a chair and sat down in it and they screamed the same fucking thing. No matter how many times I hear it I literally cry.
I put those do not eat gel dots in some kids taco once, he was a dick.
brother was twin brother. in my class to. he was an asshole to. didnt necessarily "plan" revenge on him. but he was enough of a dick that putting him in my plan didnt make me guilty
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Pakalu Papitu
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not sure if this counts as alpha

>be in 4th grade during recess
>lonely tree on the edge of playground that no kids go near
>sits near "informal border" between 4th grade play area and 5th grade play area

>walk up to classmates arguing that the tree should be part of "our area"
>other classmates start talking
>get bored and walk off to do something else

>near end of recess
>approached by teacher and 4-5 students
>kids claim "it was my fault"
>apparently a fight broke out between a bunch of 4th and 5th graders around the tree
>all kids are now banned from going near the tree
>i get a scolding

>mfw i accidentally a border conflict
>Be 13 year old grill
>Brother's friend is huge faggot
>Not in the gay way
>One day we're all outside exploring
>Recently read about some judo moves
>Decide I am master of the judo
>Friend challenges me
>"You're lying, I bet I could beat you"
>He comes running at me
>Make contact, I use my hip to break his balance
>Use elbow and hand to make him flip
>Shitty flip but it got the job done
>Follow through as hand as I can
>Slam him down on ground covered in thorns
>He starts wailing
>This asswipe is now yelling at me
>Barely can understand him
>He's now walking home
>Still blubbering at me
>I can only gather that I now owe him $20
>Something about health bills
>Once he's gone entire group busts out laughing
>15 year old douchenozzle just got owned by 13 year old grill
I once had a teacher shove me up against the wall and threaten to hit me after I ridiculed a girl who was raped by her grandfather. Not alpha or proud of it....want whole story?

I also have a bunch more middle school stories...I was a wild kid.
can we please get a screencap for all that is good
I want to hear this story
cheers faggot, let's be drunk and pathetic on the internet together
Yeah, let's hear it
Hows that not alpha as fuck?
fell for le b8
>8th grade
>be known for bullying and fuckery
>get lame ass assigned seating in social studies.
>teacher is some ultra liberal jew. Always goes on about Africa.
>one of our assignments is literally to play bongos.
>stuck sitting next to the weird anime loving nerd chicks.
>talk shit about their gay ass cartoons.
>somehow they end up talking about child molestation.
>i laugh about it being my typical edge-lord self
>one gets super pissed and tells me how she was raped by her grandfather as a child.
>big mistake
>i begin to tear into her
>"how did granpas dick taste?"
>"come sit on grandpas lap"
>she's now crying
>see teacher storming ovet
>"anon gtfo of my classroom!"
>he right behind as i head out the door
>no sooner do i turn to look at him do i find myself slammed up against the wall with his fist in my face
>oh shi-.jpeg
>screams for a while about what a piece of shit i am.
>sends me to office
>end up having to attent counciling with him
>he then wrote about me in the newspaper

I didn't acutally realize what a piece of shit i really was till years later.

The girl has since added me on fb, I feel bad but can't really apologize for some shit I said in the 8th grade
Naw dude. Do it. In person. She'll totally be DTF if you do it right. Don't give her a chance to think. Just follow through after the hug.
How cute is she? She might think you're sweet for remembering it and wanting to make up for it.
I've thought about it...but my fear is that she won't remember and I end up looking like an ass.
Just apologize dude. When I was in 8th grade I thought i was some edgy badass, too and made my crush cry because my "cool friends" didn't approve of her. She added me on fb and i apologized and she said it was cool, fucking weight off my shoulders to hear her say she was ok with it.
She probably 7/10
If it really ended oh being that big of a deal, she'll definitely remember it. Got any pics?
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Gonna continue with more stories
>be in high school now
>spring of freshman year
>thinking im tough shit
>theres this spot in the desert near our school where lazy ass parents pick up their kids when they dont want to go to the parking lot
>walk there with my friend a lot
>have to walk almost 10 minutes back to school and then walk 20 minutes home
>theres at least 3 10/10 bitches that regularly walk through the desert so its totally worth it
>usually a spread out group of 10-15 kids walking through the desert
>over time, the bitches start walking with me and my friend because were alpha and funny af
>we called them the holy trinity of ass
>the father, the son, and the holy spirit
>the father is this bitch with massive double ds, a mammoth sized ass, but a god damn man face
>the son is this short, small tit girl that has a cute face and is super athletic. girl abs arent ususally hot, but fuck if i wouldnt have let her do crunches on my dick
>the holy spirit was the physical embodiement of asstastic hotness. strawberry blonde, cute face, perfect tits, cartoonish hourglass figure, and the mother of all booties
>i still have wet dreams about me covering myself in honey and jolly ranchers and having her lick me clean while i finger her bleached asshole
>me and my friend call them this shit to their faces and they give no shits i guess
>anyways, back to spring. trying to really impress girls because we are like on the verge of getting mad pussy, but also on the verge of getting friendzoned
>walking through desert one day and see this road sign on the ground
>right turn only on XXXX blvd
>pick that shit up as a joke

Continued in next comment
Just do it man, I hadn't talked to this girl for over 10 years and she knew exactly what i was talking about.

I sexually molested my little brother during our childhood also, 12 years after it happened I apologized and he remembered it also. Story time /b/?
do it anon apologize, post results
you win anon
>be 10 or so
>at friends house
>we decide to go outside to the playground
>so many kids, mostly niglets, from our school but none of them were our friends.
>all of a sudden, ganged up by a couple of them
>they make fun of me and friend
>twin brothers are the main ones making fun of us
>press one of the twins by his neck and start punching his face continuously
>we leave
>mfw i was never violent and never fought
>now that i think about it, that was pretty damn alpha.
just how new
>but hot fuck if i wouldnt have let her do crunches on my dick
>literally to play bongos
As opposed to your other classes where you had to figuratively play bongos.
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>the weight of a thousand sweaty man boobs falls upon my biceps and shoulders as i struggle to keep the sign up
>my skin starts to glisten with sweat
>a single drop rolls down the side of my head, reflecting the hot desert sun
>as i begin to tame this mighty beast, i feel the power surge through my veins
>mfw i said it out loud
>girls start laughing. i guess they thought i was joking
>my friend is getting hella pumped too
>decide the sign is pretty badass
>im gonna take it home and cut the bottom 5 feet off and bolt it to my wall
>maybe tag it and make it more badass
>tell girls ima go home cuz this shits hella heavy
>got friendzoned by the son
>other two stayed on the edge with me and i have lots of other stories of the following years with those goddesses of spandex
>i start the thirty minute trek through the wilds of old all while carrying this mongo sign that weighed more than a wellhung sperm whale
>as i finally emerge from the desert i think of the struggle of the jews
>carrying the ark of the covenent for forty long years through vast deserts of the middle east
>they deserve some shekels for their bravery
>my next task is to carry this sign through the parking lot of my school, avoiding security to get it home
>security sees me
>keep walking and pretend like i didnt see them
>they need to feel like they are not threatened so they will not pursue me
>if all else fails, i can bang my sign on the pavement and scare them off with loud noises
>half way home
>i must now pass through a large grassy field
>hear a faint buzzing in the distance
>wait, its more like a vrooming
>security nignogs after me in their golf cart of doom
>potion of stamina
>run for it
>hear the noise getting louder
>they're coming up next to me
>the mexican grasslands are too flat, i cant get to higher ground

. . .Well? Did she describe how grandpa's dick tasted? Details, man!

I would hit other kids if I disagreed with them and had my own gang.

Everyone would follow me and copy what I did.

I ran for class president and got nearly all the votes.
>be me 8th grade
> playing in snowbank at recess with friends
>one kid loses his shoe
>we look for it but can't find it
> bell rings
>go to class
>go back after school with 4 or 5 other guys to help find it
>find it
>we hang out for a while behind school
>one kid notices a bat sleeping under an overhang
>picks up ice chunk to throw at bat
>I grab his arm
> he swings at me but I dodge
> I sweep the leg and begin choking him
> he struggles but can't get free
>stops stuggleing
>stops making noises
>he passes out
>oh shit!
>run away
> doesn't tell on me so I didn't get in trouble
>few days later rumor gets around and girls ask us about the fight.
>kid I choked said I kicked him in the balls to win
>chicks all believe him
>suddenly quietest nicest kid in school comes over and says he saw the whole thing
>says "jerk anon you lost because anon choked you like a bitch till you passed out
>jaws drop
> girls believe him and start flirting with me
>get all their #s
>alpha as fuck
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>be in 7th grade
>at tennis clinic after school
>meet bitchy prick who talks shit and whines all practice
>end of drills we play a match
>have to play doubles against this prick
>sick of his shit
>remember epic power serve from wii tennis
>level treadmilled that shit
>i'm serving, fag is at the net
>repeatedly press a to charge serve
>hit kid in the chest
>cries to coach
>"anon served a ball at me!!!"
>coach says "anon isn't good enough to do that, it was an accident
how the hell did you from middle school glory to /b/tarddom?
>the security guards tokyo drift in front of my ass
>no where to run, no where to hide
>i must accept defeat or die
>"wheres your school id phaggot?"
>obese security lady trying to communicate via her whale speak
>i have only heard of the mighty landwhales in legend
>never seen one irl
>i reach into my pocket and feel the spaghetti
>no... no... i shall conquer her
>find my wallet in the spaghetti
>none falls out
>take out my school id and give it to her, not breaking eye contact
>i can feel her hot dorito breath penetrating my nose
>my eyes start to water, the scent is too strong
>hold back my vomit while she takes it
>i understand just enough
>"i found it and thought it was cool"
>keep staring
>she seems content and drives off back to her brownie filled lair i guess
>i have vanquished the mighty beast
>i have passed the second trial of my epic quest
>i continue through the greasy plains and see some gentle chollo gardeners grazing
>they are native to these lands and passive
>the breath of the landwhale had enough calories in it to fill me up again so i dont have to slay the chollos for nourishment
>i make it to my neighborhood
>sweet freedom, my quest is almost finished
>i see my house in the distance
>i start picking up the pace until im jogging and finally sprinting home
>i put the loot in my garage for safekeeping until im ready to forge it into a mighty trophy from my quest
>as i fall asleep that night i think about how easy it was to finish my quest
>too easy
>maybe its not over yet

Continuing soon
OP, seriously you are very unique and descriptive with your analogies and jokes. You must be great at telling stories.
Keep posting stories like this on /b/, we'll all have a good laugh.
>pulled fire alarm as kid
>ran away
You should make your adventures into movies they'd be fucking great
>be me in elementary school sometime
>my group was me and two friends
>i was the leader
>we pretty much had control of the playground
>classmates would come to us when somebody took something from them or hit them or whatever
>we would take care of it, and they would pay us
>badass as fuck
>one time a girl came to us and told us douchebag mcfatass took her barbie and put it down the back of his underwear
>we all punched him a few times
>i notice the barbie sticking out the back of his unders
>pull ass barbie out, shove it in his mouth
>fatass goes to the ground gagging
>girl was watching the whole thing
>she kissed us all on the mouth and showed us her pussy behind a tree
>i even touched it

Now i am a 20 year old virgin.
>playing wow
beta as fuck
>next day at school, a fucking cop gets me out of pe
>a fucking cop
>the cop grabs me and takes me to her office
>oh shit, its the schools rent-a-cop
>gg cop, u fucking suck m8
>asks me about the sign
>oh shit the final boss
>the dyke monster tells me if i dont return the sign i will get charged with municipal theft and given a trial and a fine
>"it was on the ground in the desert, it doesnt belong to anyone"
>"we know you removed the sign from the ground and took it. if you confess to who helped you, you may have less of a fine"
>wtf am i a goddamned gorilla
>"look lady, i dont have the traps to pull a sign that ways more than a neutron star out of hard gravel"
>"fine then well go to your home and ill find the sign"
>"good luck getting in"
>i will not give up my loot that easy
>the bitch arrests me and gets a search warrant
>youll need more than that to get my treasure dyke monster
>in her dykemobile being taken to my house hostage
>start texting for help from friends
>everyone replies lol
>u 'avin a giggle m8
>arrive at my house
>the dyke monster growls at me and prods me and i submit
>i open the garage and there it is
>the sign, glistening like a baby fresh out of the washing machine
>she howls with delight as she retrieves the artifact to take back to her cave
>i sit quietly the whole ride back to school
>mfw i failed my first quest. i will never adventure again
>contemplate ways of suicide by cop
>get back to school
>cop puts sign in her office
>or i should say, makes me put the sign in her office
>principal and psychologist and shit come and laugh
>like my loss is funny to them. the are maniacally laughing at my pain and grievance
>i go back to class
>this autistic fag who really likes anime tries to talk to me about a dream he had with dragonball z
>tell the autist im sick of his gay shit
>he starts screaming as his eyeballs start bursting forth out of their sockets
>oh shit! this is the real final boss

Will continue
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This reminded me of one time in middle school

>be in 7th grade
>7th grade was pretty awesome, before I was completely an aspie
>we have longer homeroom periods on certain days of the week, usually do homework due that day in them.
>sitting around one day, bored as fuck
>cool Indian kid (not actually Indian but whatever) and I somehow start drawing a picture of this one chick we know
>she's a total weeaboo faggot, we drew a picture of her getting punched by Santa Claus and being shot with guns and missiles and shit
>have fun drawing it, passing it between our seats to add shit
>period ends and we laugh it off and throw the drawing away.
>later that day at lunch
>one of his buddies comes and says that he needs to speak to me
>alright, go see him
>tells me she found out about the drawing somehow
>Tells us we're going to go talk to her to save our asses

will continue
Please write a fucking book I would read it over and over again you are a god
You sir have some good stories, maybe if you would post faster you could be more famous on /b/ than Heaven!
top kek little mongoloid... wouldn't mind tying you down and violate your virgin brown star
>glistening like a baby fresh out of the washing machine

I fucking died please make a new thread of adventures for me to read when this one dies
this nigga is a poet
lyrical word genius
you are a god
you are the new
Continued from

>knots in my stomach about this
>we go over to her table, which is right next to his
>cool ass Indian bro starts talking to her and apologizing about it
>apologizes about making fun of her for liking anime, says that he used to like it
>tells her that his little cousins really like anime too so he understands
>asks for a new beginning with her so they can be friends and forget this all
>I'm sitting there listening to all this, fucking amazed
>don't even get out a word because Indian bro has got it
>she forgives us and we don't get into any trouble whatsoever
>as soon as we leave her table he tells me that he made all of it up, he doesn't even have little cousins
>mfw amazed by how smooth he was
>still completely amazed about how the fuck he managed to pull that off
don't let your hard work be in vein, give us a thread when this one 404s based OP
pls do
If he had written 'one of our assignments was to play the bongos' it may have come off as just a attempt at a humorous way of saying they had bullshit, meaningless assignments. By putting 'literally' he is meaning that they actually played the bongos for an assignment, for real. Using the word literally does not imply a literal --> figurative dichotomy, so suck a dick.
go fuck yourself
can someone screen cap all of op's text and make it into one pic?
im on it
weeaboo detected

I'm actually friends with the girl now
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Screencap so far
>be me 13 years old
>complete beta fag cant talk to girls without shaking
>grade 7 walk into class and sit down
>suddenly my vision is completely encompassed by this hamplanet staring at me
>look at him and ask him what the fuck he wants
>wats ur naem do u like anime??
>sit there feeling 10 pounds heavier just from being in his shadow
>class starts and he has to sit down
>time passes and me and some friends are fucking around at recess
>since im really tiny this huge kid was flinging me and my friends around
>wed crouch down, and hed hold our arm and then throw us like some real judo shit
>do this for a while
>my turn and imready to fly but this kid isnt throwing me
>wait for a solid 2 minutes
>finally he throws me
>turn around laughing when i see that fucking hamplanet grabbing his middle finger and screaming in pain
>what the fuck are you doing kyle?

turns out the kid flinging me had seen kyle running towards me which took like half a fucking hour and waited for the perfect moment to throw me right as the hamplanet was ready to fucking flatten me.

>he fucking threatened to sue me for assault

i have more stories about this kid if anyone wants
Start a new column next
No I meant go fuck yourself because your story is complete shit and nobody cares about it.

People like OP are the reason I still come to /b/ today
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>he starts trying to karate chop me and shit
>hes yelling hadokun and actually doing the motions
>im trying to block his attacks but my sides are quivering
>he stops and starts moving his hand weird
>"kaaaaaameeeeee haaaaammeeeeee HAAAAAAAAAAA"
>3, 2, 1, liftoff
>everyone at mission control jump up and hugs and congratulate eachother as my sides finally achieve orbit
>i start laughing like snoop doggs pet hyena when they hotbox his lambo and he gets fucking furious
>hfw i cant stop laughing at his fighting moves
>teacher and students cant tell whether this is a real fight they should worry about or what
>he jumped into the air and superman kicks my liver while palm punching my nose
>i fall backwards in slow motion
>i watch as he stands over me victoriously
>i realize something
>in life you get no 1-ups, no respawns, no revive
>you only get one chance and i fucked it up
>the Autistic Samurai has pulverized me
>i hit the floor
once the great stories are over, ill organize
lol ok dude
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i liked it

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God bless this thread. Been fapping here since 3 hours ago. This guy is legend
oops I cut off some text, 1 min
Hurry up!!! It's late and I gotta get up early tomorrow!
Thanks man
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here we go, all better
>i lay there... blood flowing from my broken nose
>oxygen trying desperately to enter my lungs to no avail
>my liver burning like a plate of fajitas at a mexican restaurant
>i am done for
>people rush over
>i get up and leave the class
>i clean my nose up
>try to set it best i can
>to this day it is still noticeably fucked up
>a constant reminder of the day i was beaten
>i will never forget that day
>people laughed at first, but i was a popular guy and id gotten arrested so i got some street cred
>i jerk awake in a cold sweat sometimes
>i look over and see 2:47 in bright green led light
>i remember the nightmare
>it was him again
>i learned something that day though
>in life, you dont always win
>you get precious street signs taken away by dykemonsters and get the shit kicked out of you by autistic nerds sometimes
>but its just a part of life... you win some and then you lose some. and then you win some again! like a circle of shit
>sometimes, on cold spring mornings, i wipe a clear circle in the fogged up glass and look out while drinking my coffee and wonder
>i wonder where he is now and i wonder if hes even still out there
>i like to think he is
>i like to think the Autistic Samurai is watching
>i think he watches us all
>i think he never forgets, and he never forgives
>he is evil and scary
>but at the same time, amazing and beautiful
>and while you dont really even want him there, he still stays
>through the good times and bad
>ive realized that while i hate him
>i appreciate him too
>kinda like life in a way huh

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Thanks man. that means a lot
:,) beautiful
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>>the Autistic Samurai has pulverized me
lol rekt
How is that alpha at all? You had someone else lie for you to get out of a little bit of trouble.
Good job OP

I'll wait for the anon making the screen cap too.
>part of a complete breakfast
When the opium farmer's crop is stolen by junkies to be put in needles
Is his hard work in vein?
Thanks OP
>In 8th grade
>Claims to be at a public school with third graders
>Whole thing is an unfunny autistic's fantasy about being "hardcore" in middle school

Your story sucks and so do you.
Overdid it there. But still, nice job.
However saying that, this is an alpha story thread and there's not much alphaness about being destroyed by a weeaboo autist
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Im probably gonna go to bed cuz its getting late where i am. I have so many stories like this from my life and i never really thought /b/ would be interested. ill start making more posts since you guys liked them so much. just look for the "Legends of Joe" story threads for more i guess cause someone called me that after my id and i liked it. Gonna do a new thread tomorrow for sure around 12 AM ET so ill keep you posted
fuck if I know, just shared it anyway
top kek. it was a k-8 school you uncultured dickface
>be me
>be llama
>alfalfa as fuck
thank mr joe
>legends of joe
its a new thing OP
better get some more damn good stories, hope you keep the screencap i made
>Lives in such a podunk town they can't have both a middle and high school

Doesn't matter. Your story is blatant bullshit from an autistic who's both too unfunny to make it amusing and too retarded to make it believable.

>5.75/10 hoe comes up to me
>"the fuck do you want"

>Thinks writing like this makes him seem like a badass
>So autistic he rates girls with fractions of a number like he's writing a fucking video game review
I will look for the next thread O. U really enjoyed this one
>"This reminded me of one time in middle school"
Holy shit thats gangsta
ur cool
seems like a legit story
dagn luk at u mayne :^P
Gee OP if I was a pretty lil schoolgirl clad in skintight short pants and pretty pink panties instead of a neckbeard I'd totes buy you lunch everyday.
> sleepover with best friend
> Plaing Tmnt hyper-stone heist on Sega Genesis
> His sucky ass keeps dying
>He snatches my controller and begins playing for me
"Give that back!"
>"Shut up Anon I'm about to beat this level!"
"let's Play something easier, How about sonic 3 & knuckles?"
>Locks in cartridges, ready to roll.
"Get the game started. I have to take a tinkle."
>After the sweet tingly relief of emptying my bladder of about 12 ecto-coolers,I return to his room.
> I hear him rustling around trying to get into his sleeping bag.
What are you doing?
> I return to see all my 100% save files deleted.
>I tie the top of his sleeping bag shut as he pretends to wake up confused.
Midnight water-boarding session featuring Mister Hose.
>Leave him out all night.
>Mom wakes next morning.
>I told her he wanted to go camping.
>She took the bait.
>He got chewed out.
>How did he tie himself in there? His mom didn't care.
I went home and he and I played Tmnt the next week.
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A few years ago I was unintentionally involved in a situation that chained a series of unfortunate events. Anyhoo, because of my fucking actions that day it ended up in me killing someone's dog, getting a friend jailed, humiliated and practically ruined his life.

Let me explain.

>I have a condition that has been with me since the day I was born.
>I cannot and will not socialize.
>I crave loneliness, peace and quiet and cannot tolerate other people, as I will get irritated after a few minutes of social interaction.
>Think of it like a ringing in your ears and whenever you are in a social situation it starts and gets louder and louder until you are by yourself again doing things you want on your own.
>I'll skip the boring details and get to the story.
>So I'm a loner, a loser but happy with it.
>I always sit by myself at lunch and all that shit until one day, this fucker named Fauntleroy sits with me.
>The ringing starts. Apparently he's a furry and he saw me sitting by myself and blah blah all that shit. Bottom line he wants to be my friend and shit.
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>I hate him with every fiber of my being but I can't explode and unleash my autism with so many innocents around. I decide to go with it and that eventually I'll have my revenge.
>2 weeks pass and apparently, according to (let's call him roy from now on) roy we are now best buddies. The plan begins.
>it's been 3 weeks and the ringing has gotten unbearable around Roy. I have to end this. I decide to ask Roy if I could come over for a "furry costume party". The look on his fucking face was priceless.
>Roy decides to plan a sleepover, but not only this, he fucking invites all his other animal fucker friends over to introduce me and make me an honorary "furry". I almost popped a vein. But it was going to be so worth it.
>It was the night of Roy's party and everyone was fagging it up with those costumes. His house was bigger than I though and he had a large pool outback with a jacuzzi tub. Roy also had a beagle dog (cont)
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>which he had attached FAKE ears to. How far did his faggotry go? I still ask myself that. But anyway, it was time to put the plan into motion.
>The furfags stayed up "yiffing" eachother and making horrible animal impersonations. They went into the pool with their costumes fucking on and tried acting like animals. All this time they where practically begging me to try on one of those fucking costumes. I politely declined.
>I still have cringe attacks from that night but the aftermath was worth it. Eventually the sleepover finally fucking got to the sleeping part.
>I put my plan into action. Everyone had changed into their PJs. Which meant they had all put their furry costumes away. So as my master plan required I went and got the furry suits from downstairs. I chose my weapon. Roy's suit. Roy's house had cameras on the outside so I had to think of something that would make this irrefutable proof that Roy was as horrible as I made him up to be. So I went outside with the furry suit on my face and all covered. All the camera saw was the furry suit and obviously me violently fucking Roys dog.
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This is now on my desktop as "The Legend of joE"
Thanks OP for the great stories. You are a national hero.
Someone help me here. What's the age range of middle to high school?
I'm guessing like 11-12 to like 18 right?
gr8 b8 m8
saved that shit so hard
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>I pretended to dry hump Roy's dog on camera, about 15 minutes of furry on furry friend love grinding. Finally I finished my mission by making it look like I was fucking and strangling the dog at the same time. I choked the dog to death and then took off. I threw it into the woods and covered it with leaves. I had to be careful not to be spotted as people would surely be suspicious of someone in a furry suit covering a dead dog with leaves. Anyway the deed was done.
>I sneak back into the house making sure to avoid the camera this time and cleaning then planting the furry suit right where it was previously.
>The next morning everyone came out for a final breakfast before leaving. Roy was looking for his dog to feed him. The dog was never seen again. But it wasn't over for Roy, he went dickside up trying to figure out what happened. Suddenly those brains of his (cont)
that's not being alpha, that's being an unappreciative privileged shithead
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>kicked into maximum over rustle. He asked his folks if he could look at the camera feed from last night. We went in and all gathered around the monitor to find any evidence of our poor missing pup.
>finally after fast forwarding a bit we come to a furry suit sneaking through the night into the camera's view.
>A look of horror spreads across Roy's face. He see's his alter ego slowly violating his furry friend in choppy poor quality camera footage. Looks of death are laser aimed at Roy by his friends and looks of disgust are shared by his parents.
>The furfags explode into a riot of outrage and degrade and insult poor Roy. How dare he do that to an animal. To a friend. To one of them. He was a sick person and an animal abuser oh he was the worst person on earth now in their eyes and in his parents eyes all I saw was more regret and disappointment now that their son was more than a furry.
>But it doesn't stop there. Oh the fucking ride hasn't ended yet. The video slowly plays into my finisher where I stranglefuck the dog to death. It was over. It was all over for Roy, he begged and pleaded but to no avail his furry brethren had shunned him and his parents where probably about to disown him. And me, well I just stared at Roy in disgust. I could do that freely now.
high school is 14-18
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>The furry fags called animal services and discussed the matter with Roy. They ended him when the hard evidence was shown of him literally violating his dog to death. I had to control myself throughout the whole thing. Roy was arrested and charged with animal abuse. The Furry's further spread the news to the whole school. I told them I needed time alone after what happened and my life was back to being perfect. The ringing was gone, finally it was over. I'm a fucking asshole.

>No joy for Roy.
So middle school is basically pre-pubescent kids? Kinda makes this stories seem much shitter now.
Is /b/ to hear how I not only ruined some kids existance?

>Be me, freshman year.
>About 3/4 through the year
>Friend starts catching flack from some shithead arab kid while at lunch because he was talking to towelhead's sister.
>Friend, Ill call him Aron, is pretty beta and takes it.
>I tell the dune coon to fuck off back to his shitty country.
>Fight about commences but teachers break it up before anyone swings.
>Two days later, him and his muslim brotherhood jump me and friend after school.
>They beat our ass good, I got my nose broken, black eyes, ect. Aron got bruises and a cracked rib.
>They scamper off before anyone shows up but we eventually get back to my house.
>Im not going to let this shit fly. Plan revenge
>Initiate Operation Iraqi Freedom.
You sound like a manchild.
8th grade i was 13-14 so i mean just after starting pubderty.
>Be under 18
>don't ask parent
>go on Disney.com
>didn't get caught
>alpha as HELL
I think something similar happened in my school. Is it in Miami?
>No joy for Roy.
Shit dude its storytelling. obviously i didnt say and think those words exactly. it was a long time ago. i just thought about how it went to the best of my ability and told a story. i said and/or thought something along those lines. Maybe i said shut the fuck up or maybe i said what do you want me to do? i cant remember exactly.
Are you me?
>be in 2nd grade
>destined to be an engineer, just hadn't realized it
>the other outcast kid in my grade is the same
>we figure out how pulleys work and make some out of extra wood from the shop (private 2nd grade, had wood shop)
>we use jump ropes and pulleys to haul a very large log into a tree on the edge of the field
>teachers always let us do our thing because we always end up doing something cool that the other kids like
>they didn't like this
>shrug, didn't think much beyond getting it up there, had to scale the fence and throw the rope over, i can't get it down
>they're trying to figure out how we did it
>one pulls on a rope
>whole system destabilized
>log falls out of the tree on him
>log isn't really a log, but a big ass branch, just looks like a log to a kid
>knocks him down but does no real damage
>he's pissed
>and dirty
>we laugh, go back to class
>nuns get pissed but don't do anything
Nah sorry dude, arizona. i was kinda hoping someone might remember this but it was a small chance haha

>A couple weeks go by.
>I catch slack from friends, picking on me about letting some sand money beat the hell out of me.
>Muslim Brotherhood continues to try and intimidate me.
>I go with it for those couple of weeks, lul them into a false sense of security.
>They start being major dicks to everyone, hardly anyone likes them. Most didnt like them to begin with.
>Plan is about to come to fruition. I get a group of my friends, and we wait for muslim brotherhood at where they usually hang out.
>Theres four of them, six of us.
>We jump them as they come up. Not even George W. Bush could fucking brutalize Iraqis as bad as us.
>Friends hold the kids down.
>I grab my backpack and pull out a pack wrapped in aluminum.
>I get real close to dune coon's face while my buddy holds him down.
>My Chemical Romance
>alpha as fuck
You will always be a beta.
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all because he was too autistic to tell someone to fuck off that he didn't want to be their friend
>not reporting your teacher for being a commie Jew lord and threatening you cause of 'muh feelings'

More like beta as fuck
I'll take "Things that Never Happened" for 9000, please.
Its not a flawless victory if the cat scrached you dumbfuck

I can't quite understand why you laugh at other people's misery.

I mean, obviously, you would laugh at ME and everyone else here. So we hate you.
But I'm still trying to understand you. And.... I just can't.
>Open up contents for him to see
>Had some pork loins and strips of bacon.
>Muslims are forbidden to eat pork or they get banned from paradise or heaven or whatever they call it.
>Force feed him bacon while friends hold him down.
>They try to struggle but its too late.
>Cram that shit down his throat and hes crying. Some of his friends start crying because they know whats coming next.
>Force feed them all. They fight it as much as they can but ultimately fail.
>Even poured some pig blood on a few of them for extra measure that I got from a local butcher.
>We eventually let them go and they run off.
>Never saw or heard from them again.

Its good to be an 'Merican.

Yeah, cats will do that. You're a pussy if you can't handle them and get on their good side.

20 years later; anon is arrested for shaking his baby to death. "It cried and made a poop!"
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