Perfect Crime Thread
>eat massive amounts of taco bell
>swallow smoke instead of inhaling it
>get high as fukk
>pot smell becomes masked in putrid diarrhea odors when expelling it from asshole
>cops will never know
dna evidence is only involved in homicide
>Wear latex body suit
>bathe in it to get rid of all skin flakes on outside
>Use icepick to murder
>Pray to shrek to insure that the soul is properly given to the ogerlord as praise
>Go to bed
>sneak out in middle of night
> hoodie, sunglasses (at night)
>break window of my house
>move expensive stuff to storage container
>go home, change clothes
>mfw they think i got robbed
>mfw when insurance reimburses me
>living off my grandfather's immense wealth
>doesn't have to commit crimes
>money buys everything
>mfw ITT: working class scum + filthy casuals and plebs
> make loans to people with no chance of repament
> insure the value of loans at 10xs value should it go into default
> fluctuate interest rates to speed up default
> forclose loans, collect insurance
> complain to government you can't make money on your loans and need subsidies
> laugh all the way to the bank on insurance money, subsidies, and collateral put up for origination of the loan
>steal money printer
>bribe cops not to arrest me
> meet mechanic
> pay him to do some fancy shit
> drive around for a while expecting trouble
> car catches fire in the middle of the suburbs
> turns into a giant smoldering black fireball
> bretty good
> collect party money
shit was pretty cool
> get married
> get wife pregnant
> have kids
> buy house, life insurance policy, car, save for college
> raise kids
> one day kids leave house
> they go to college
> they start careers and become successful people with good ideas and bad ideas who aren't afraid to fail and learn
> all along, i hated children and i wish i was dead.
>Make small ice knife in freezer
>pack with ice, put knife in middle
>put in lunchbox
>bring to work, ice hasn't melted
>privately ask boss to talk to you for a minute
>out back, no cameras
>holding ice knife
>stab in the neck and throat
>throw ice knife
>boss is kill
naw, i saw that shit on CSI.
they searched through a list of business associates or something, found one who had motive, went to his house, and found the murder weapon manufacturing mold in his freezer.
>buy whole turkey
>wait for the fucker to fall asleep
>beat him with dead turkey
>season and roast the turkey
>create an alibi by going to a store first and chatting with the cashier
>return home and fake cry to the police
>police won't find weapon
>they get bored and hungry
>feed them the turkey
>mfw the cops eat the only evidence
>Become Prime minister of UK
>Print of loads of £'s
>pay of national dept
>quickly join the euro before anyone notices
>dept paid off
>£ now worthless
>Britain now uses Euro
>no consequences for Britain
>world bank collapses
>destroys world economy
>Britain uses economic strength to buy loads of gold
>revert back to £
>back up with gold
>Every currency is now worthless but the £
>every nation is extremely poor apart from Britain
>reform British empire
>Britain now a superpower again
what if you wore a full latex suit?
to rob someone properly, dip your fingertips into wax and then wear cheap fiber gloves. Fresh wax keeps fingerprints away because fingerprints get on latex gloves when you are putting them on right?Well to put on wax you dont have to touch the wax beforehand. Second to pick the lock on the door, either spend time and pick the lock or use the old credit card trick, to make it look like they never locked it.second alarm systems have a magnet inside the doorway, that can slide off super easily. so to keep the alarm from tripping? poull it out slowly with a screwdriver or something and press it to the receiving end of the alarm.. have fun breaking the law
1. In no context know your victim
2. Be absent motive
3. Minimalize evidence on scene. Set the house on fire.
4. Have a stron alibi
5. Don't talk to the police no matter what
Get away with anything
lol in one thread OP linked some traffic cam livefeed and ran a red light every 10 minutes like it was the most rebellious thing in the world. Cops were actually looking for him I think. Stayed up until 4am watching it like a dumbass...
>implying you pass a 16 hours straight of questioning by the cops asking you 100000 crossed questions, reenactments forward and backward of every single breath you take the time before, during and after the crime, if you ever only be suspected without any evidence.
>freeze water in shape of spike
>add to sweet tea
>leave finger prints on glass
>cut off hands
>fap with no hands
>pee after fapping
>the tea is gone and there is no evidence
>call person to road near a river using a public phone when no one is looking wearing a mask
>find alibi for the future
>kill person using string
>cut in pieces
>throws in different parts of the river inside
I'm pretty sure there was a scene of some movie where a guy tried to close a bodies eyelids right after death and they just kept popping back open.
Now I wanna know if that really happens. And what it was from..
> Build fake XFINITY hotspot
> Put it in schmancy neighborhood Starbucks or wtf-ever
> Grab a bunch of credentials from gullible rich bourgeoisie on their $1000 phones
> Log into XFINITY with stolen credentials via TAILS laptop at a McDonalds
> Check to see who among your victims has XFINITY home security
> Buy a shitload of oregano for cash
> Wrap it up in Saran Wrap and foil
> Go to victim's house
> Use XFINITY home automation to open garage door
> Walk in, steal a bunch of shit.
> Leave brick of oregano on kitchen counter
> Take a photo of it
> Go back to car
> Log in to their WiFi using their XFINITY credentials
> Post photo to Craigslist "Hey, got a shit-ton of OREGANO delivered to my house by accident. Looking to sell in dime batches at going rate. 25% discount if you buy at least 2oz."
> Go to 4chan and grab some CP while you're at it.
> Disconnect, bail the fuck out.
> Cops raid the place SWAT-style: battering rams, flash-bangs, tank truck they bought from DoD, what-the-fuck-ever.
> Fucking wreck the crime scene
> Probably shoot someone's fucking dog for shits and giggles
> No evidence of breaking & entering now, bitches.
> Even if they collect forensic evidence, the crime scene is spoiled. You'll never do a day in jail!
Maybe it's because it's 1am and I've been up since 5, but this thread is fucking gold.
And there's only one post mentioning tumblr.
> Give House a mug
> Tell House about new patient Rob, hands chopped up in industrial shredder
> Give gloves to Rob, but Rob can't wear gloves
> Rob says "It's LUPUS"
> House says "Shut up, it's never LUPUS"
> Hands mug to Rob
> Rob can't hold all of these mugs
> Throws mug at Rob
> Arrested for assault
> Rob House
> mug shot
> no fingerprints
>grab a white friend
>stab the fuck outta another nigger
>dont bother to hide the bloody knife
>"wasn't me officers"
>they see your white friend
>"ok stay outta trouble"
>works every time
>Perform blood ritual to harvest god
>Throw sacrificial corpse into volcano
>No body to investigate or to find, and world hunger is ended
>marry waifu under tree
Holy fuck my sides
>find old mattress
>kidnap cow (calfnap to be exact)
>steal a crane
>break into local high school
>walk cow up to the top floor of school
>place mattress in the pool so it soaks up the water
>cows can't walk downstairs
>mattress will be 10x more heavier from the added water weight
>it will take a crane to get them out
>no one can get the crane because it was stolen
also if you want to have some fun bludgeoning your victim, freeze a ton of sawdust in a roughly club like shape. shit is hard as bricks when it's frozen but when you're done just throw it in a river or some shit and it's impossible to find once it melts.
shave off all body hair. wear gloves. wear clothes and shoes that were purchased at a thrift store. only pay for things with cash. take bus or walk to location of crime. bring a small spray bottle of ammonia to destroy any fluids with dna. etc. etc.
it should be seeing how ugly they are for the rapist's sake
>wear crane gloves
>find old crane
>kidnap crane (cranenap to be exact)
>steal a crane
> crane into local high school
>crane cow up to the top floor of school
>crane mattress in the pool so it soaks up the water
>cranes can't walk downstairs
>crane will be 10x more heavier from the added water weight
>it will take a crane to get them out
>no one can get the crane because it was stolen
The perfect crime is not the crime that the police can not solve. The perfect crime is the crime that the police did not even know existed.
Here is an example of a "perfect crime":
Homeless people are probably the easiest target. They don't have work or school in the morning. Nobody will notice they are gone. You don't even need to use a weapon or anything to kill these people. Wait for a very cold winter night when you see one. Give them a bottle of booze, and they will drink it to "keep warm". Little do they know it will make them freeze to death much faster. You could literally kill hundreds of these people in this fashion, and nobody would bat an eye, nor would you be convicted of anything even if everything is caught on camera, and their are tons of witnesses. All you did was give a bum some booze. No need to spike it with poison just regular old booze will do the trick.
A large whale managed to fool one of our brilliant store managers after purchasing a laptop, taking it home and replacing the new one with an ancient brick laptop that was greasy as fuck. I opened the clip latch and lifted the monitor.. Fried chicken debris everywhere.
Got out with a free laptop after she told my manager that this piece of shit was in the box when she opened it. The sides of the box were protruding and there was absolutely nothing else inside. I worked with some mighty intelligent folks.
The perfect crime, however, should actually be a crime. You may be a jerk but, unless the state could prove the homeless person had diminished capacity and you knew it, there is no crime.
It's gotta be a crime first to be a perfect crime
> Casual Friday
> Flush tampons in men's room toilet
> Make break-room coffee extra strong
> Wait for coffee-slurping guy to run for the shits
> Hide in next stall
> When he flushes, everything goes wrong
> He runs out to get plumber
> Grab garbage bag from bathroom
> Steal his shit
> Put it in break-room freezer
> Get distracted by Jenny in accounting
> Make small-talk, agree to lunch
> Forget to make shit-sicle and stab boss
> Secretary cleaning out break-room freezer finds frozen shit and tampons in a bag
> Nobody owns up
> Boss orders DNA testing
> Jerk-ass gets fired
> Get Jenny's number
a lot of places got smart to them and started training their workers to watch for and report all internet coupons. still can get by with them at some walmarts though. as for why no more threads on here, i'm pretty sure jewpon's were added to the mod's shit list of moral and legal faggotry
>cut off index finger
>do many crimes with full body latex suit on
>leave dead relatives finger print everywhere
>cops come to question family
>pull the "can't you see we are mourning here our (how relative is kin to you) just died"
>cops feel like shit while leaving
>cops an hero on cam for 4chun
>all the cops in town kill themselves
>do infinite crimes
become an hero of faggatrons world
> Pull tag off mattress
> Use pesticide in a manner inconsistent with its labeling
> Drive at a rate of speed exceeding the posted limit
> Take more than one penny when I have a pocket full of loose change already
> Love sees love's happiness
> But happiness can't see that love is sad
> That love is sad
> Sadness is hanging there
> To show love somewhere something needs a change
> They need a change
WHY IS RAPE SO FUNNY TO YOU GUYS? SERIOUSLY!? THIS TYPE OF LANGUAGE IS SERIOUSLY TRIGGERING TO ME AND PROBABLY LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE. YOU CAN'T JUST SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT ON THE INTERNET WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT HOW IT WILL AFFECT SOMEONE ELSE FIRST. YOU 4CHAN GUYS ARE SO MISOGYNISTIC IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY. I'M GOING BACK TO TUMBLR WHERE MY WOMYN FRIENDS WILL WELCOME ME WITH OPEN THE DOOR GET ON THE FLOOR EVERYBODY WALK THE DINOSAUR. FUCK YOU 4CHAN. YOU GUYS ARE PATHETIC.
if you still have the how to page, it should contain everything you need to make your own. just avoid using at target or anywhere that isn't walmart. even then, try to find the cashier that looks like they hate their job the most. i normally go to sporting goods or electronics cause the managers hate being called back there. picked up a couple of free 12-month xbox live cards and $60 point cards that way.
if you're too lazy to make your own, and think you can act, try just changing the printed expiration date on any coupons you still have. the bar code won't work in the system, but you can sometimes convince a manager to override it anyway.
>Set up usury banking system in the 18th century
>Manipulate England's political system
>Continue to do so in the "brave, new world" that is the United States of America
>Teach my children to do the same
>Hundreds of years of unethical and immoral financial practices
>My latest heir has been telling the last half-dozen U.S. Presidents what to do
>The perfect crime
>My face when
Here's some specials you can make barcodes for.
> Have feels
> Don't tell cops
> Get away with thoughtcrime
> Attend 10 minutes' hate with smile on face
> Still have feels
>see human eating taco
>I want taco
>I run up to him to steal taco
>'what the fuck' he says
>he calls the police
>i find out im a human
>live in a mental institution for the rest of my life
>Use potatoes to make vodka
>Grab random non-Finnish person
>Force them to drink vodka
>Alcohol will kill them
>Place corpse in an alley near a bar
>Buy bottles from said bar, and poor them into a large container
>Make it look like the victim has been drinking himself to death by placing the bottles next to him and placing his fingerprints and saliva on them
>Nobody knows that you did it
>Celebrate with the beer you kept
>Set up usury crane system in the 18th century
>Manipulate England's crane system
>Continue to do so in the "brave, new world" that is the United Cranes of America
>Teach my children to do the crane
>Hundreds of years of unethical and immoral crane practices
>My latest crane has been telling the last half-dozen U.S. Presidents what to crane
>The perfect crane
>My crane when
> Buy a pair of shitty size-12 shoes at Goodwill and a smaller pair that fits you
> Fill pizza box with plaster of paris
> Rub shoes with light coating of WD-40, then stick shoes in plaster
> Pour RTV silicone into Size-12 mold
> Press your smaller shoes on top of the mold
> Now your shoes leave Size 12 footprints from the wrong brand shoes
> When crime-time is over, melt the fake-shoe-bottom in a metal box in the oven
> Die from fumes
> No fingerprints
> Police use crane to get your body out
> Suffer from crippling depression.
> Sense of humor makes it worth going on.
> Keep a diary.
> Read obituary section every day.
> Whenever someone named "Edward" dies of a heart attack, write in your journal "I GOT ANOTHER ONE. COPS WILL NEVER FIGURE OUT HOW I DID IT."
> Buy shitty pistol for cash
> Look up a bunch of "Edward" in phone book
> Grab journal and pistol, head out on your final mission.
> Ring doorbells until you find a heavyset, older Edward.
> Shoot Edward and yell "YOU TOOK TOO FUCKING LONG, FAT-ASS!"
> An hero
> Cops find journal
> Retroactively credit you with high score
>Find nigger drug house
>Wait for first of month
>Sneak in and hide
>Roody poos come back
>Bust out beat all but one to death with hammer
>Inject shit tons of heroin into survivors veins
>Steal nigger money & drugs
>Turn gas on
>Start small fire house burns
>Burn clothes and gloves
>Walk into GameStop with son
>ask cashier for Battletoads
>cashier has just about had it with being asked on the phone if they have Battletoads
>cashier loses his shit and attacks you
>call the cops and report for assault
>threaten to sue GameStop
>free games from GameStop for life
>Drug acquaintnce gets busted for illegal science lab leaves guns at my home tells me to hold to them
>Get tired of having stolen merchandise in my possession so sale them
Guy gets out pissedoff.JPEG no guns tells me I'm a dead man comes to my house with a gun.
>Shoot him immediately on sight and wrap him in a tarp then procede to go to the river to burn the body in a barrel then I dumped the few remains in the river.
>Spent seven months in jail and was found innocent no body no crime. They even found blood in the trunk
>Walk into GameStop with crane
>ask cashier for Battlecranes
>cashier has just about had it with being asked on the phone if they have Battlecranes
>cashier cranes his shit and attacks you
>call the cops and report for assault
>threaten to sue GameStop
>free cranes from GameStop for life
Shooting blanks is same as ejaculating cum without the sperm seed stupid.