ITT stupid shit you did as a kid
>watching nature documentary about mountain goats or some shit like that
>see them ramming into each other
>decide to try it out with 6 year old sister
>both at opposite ends of living room
>run at each other head first
>hit our heads together at full force
>fall on our asses and cry while our mother ices our heads
>used to enjoy jumping down the stairs in my house
>started getting cocky and trying higher and higher each day
>decide one day im ready to jump from the top
>about 20-25 steps up
>put my duvet at the bottom and a pillow
>i take a giant leap
>land about 5 steps away and break my ankle and dislocate my kneecap along with breaking both my wrists
>tried it again a 3 years later and suceeded
>just needed to put my shoes that had lights inside them on
I don't think women are naturally "child friendly" as it is presented by society. I feel that women are prescribed the role of child raisers both historically and conveniently. I also think that women's unquestioned access and almost exclusive interaction with children in professional and personal roles (relative to men) is a facilitator of undocumented and unreported child abuse.
Women are given relatively unquestioned access to children, and sexual abuse by a female adult is considered to be "lucky" by many if you are a young boy. The sentencing disparity is also ridiculously asymmetrical as far as gender goes too.
The child abuse industry and the child protection industry are both sides of the same coin. No agency truly want's to end child abuse, that is their pay check.
The whole thing is a mechanism of fear and manipulation. If you are a white male between the ages of 30 - 97, have a bank balance over $20,000 and have ever spoken to or glanced at a child you should be terrified because you are open to an allegation of historic sex abuse and there is no evidence required.
Society is fucked.
I bruised my pelvis doing a similar thing, I ran down my upstairs hall and slid onto a pillow down my stairs, except I slipped one time and fell down the stairs. Never did that much after that incident.
I broke both of my wrists at the same time too
shit is never the same because of how complicated they are
same with my nose. Now I look like a jew, but at least it helps me suck up to jew business men
>be me playing in the field with friends
>climb this tree looks old and dead
>get high up and decide to act like a monkey
>swing out on this branch and "ooh ah ah ooh"
>it snaps and i swear i looked at my friend as it happened
>i fell to the ground and woke up with my mother carrying me home
>apparantly i froze in mid air as i looked at my friend then i fell
>brother and me
>put sleeping bags over body
>stuff with pillows
>run down flight off stairs
>me and my brother slept in same room
>used to stay up "late" and fuck around
>i had this old teddybear that for some reason we found out that if you fart on it the smell stays and becomes incredibly strong
>we used to spend hours farting on this teddy and throwing it to each other to smell
>be 7 still
>dad works in tech industry
>get a used laptop from my dad (first kid I knew to have one back in like '03)
>told not to take it apart, mainly because I liked taking apart computers and adding new shit
>for whatever reason, a week after having it, I decide that I needed to clean the DVD/CD reader
>take a soaking hand towel and drench the reader then dry it off with a towel
>cry when it doesnt work
had that laptop until 2005, until I got a new one with a broken fan
>class clown status established
>just wore a shitton of black leather bracelets with spikes and studs
>went to a private school with yuppies
>never was talked to again
>later that year I got into computers
>brought electromagnet to school and trashed many many pc
>nobody figured it out
>the ones i left standing i locked the system with horse vagina screensaver
>shit was funny
>me and my cousin fighting with long metal poles in the front yard
>call it spear fighting
>I'm defending because I'm cautious and only swinging/stabbing when it's a sure hit
>he's just swinging it around like a mad man overwhelming the fuck out of me
>this bastard is aiming for my face
>he reaches out to hit my face
>I try to parry him and hit him at the same time
>mfw he aims for my fingers
>mfw it hits
>mfw you can see the bone
>mfw I'm in shock
>be 9 years old
>me and bro watching chimpanzees on tv
>start laughing because chimps keep playing with each others assholes
>me and bro
>legs in air
>fingering each others assholes making chimp noises
>tells people in school years later
>spend 3 years until I graduate being called 'Asshole Boy'
>I was playing the "floor is lava" game
>jump from the loveseat to the couch, no problem
>couch to recliner, easy
>glass coffee table in the middle
I'm sure you can figure out the rest
>around 12 years old
>live across school
>hanging out with old buddy
>bored, i crazy glue money to the stairs and watch people fight to pick it up
>friend grabs my crazy glue, runs and puts glue in all the door locks at the school
>fucks every lock in the school, he gets in shit
>be 4 or 6
>at friends house playing with stuffed animals and shit
>start throwing stuffed animals at each other
>hide on different sides of the room while bombarding each other with teddy bears
>me hiding in space between the couch and wall
>big framed painting right above my head
>friend throws stuffed animal and it hits the paints, knocking it down
>the glass frame smashes on my head, glass everywhere
>amazingly i didnt even bleed, we cleaned up the mess and hung the painting back up, parents never found out
Im still surprised that i didnt cry, that shit hurt
here's a quickie
>doing swing jumps with pals
>competed to see who can jump the farthest while flipping out of the seat
>we all jump as far as the end of the sandbox
>try to tricky dicky by going as fucking high as possible and making it farther than the sandbox[or whatever that gravel floor is called] .
>precision myself higher than the swingset, and take a leap of faith while flippin out of the seat.
>seconds of swag later, i fall on my back from an 8 foot drop and gasping for fucking air as my body is twitching like fuck.
>bell rings, kids leave my stupid ass, and im scarred for fucking life.
>be freshman in HS
>tech bitches, one is black
>she watches us on the PC
>screen freezes when she is watching, its obvious
>i pull out notepad
>"is this the nigger"
>i have depression issues
>slap on wrist
>used to NET SEND racist messages around my school
>call nurse a fucktard on it
>i was told she reported it and its known it was me
>dentist appointment, leaving early
>i need to go to nurse the next day to sign out
>me 7 years old or some shit
>friend tells me we're actually super heroes that can morph into whatever the fuck we want
>just saw jurassic park
>wanted to be velociraptor
>"morphed" into velociraptor and stormed into the woods hunting for children
>running at highspeeds just like a velociraptor would
>smell blood in the air a near by child is near
>run even faster it was my velociraptor instinct
>trip over log because of furiously high velociraptor speeds
>fall face first, in a timber kind of way, but still quickly
>stick lodged in thigh
still have a mark from it today. anyone wanna see?
>years ago with group of friends
>other guys let this one kid hang with us because it takes booze from his parents, i didnt partake in it but whatever
>black kid likes Smirnoff and other vodka products
>kid takes a bottle of vodka from his parents freezer
>empties out the booze, fills bottle with water, puts back in freezer
>water obviously freezes, parents find out and give him major shit
>be 7 years old
>brother is 5 years old, have bunk beds near ceiling fan
>get belt and put loop over one arm of fan
>have brother standing by fan switch near door
>mfw dad walks by as I say "ready"
>mfw beaten with belt
>mfw it was the buckle end
>mfw I will never cieling fan helicoptor
>each player grabs a pic related
>at the count of three, run on knees towards each other
>guy who gets knocked backward into corner of entertainment cabinet loses
>what he loses is blood
>winner plays next challenger
>About 9 or 10 years old
>home alone with my 2 brothers
>lets slide down stairs, my brother said, it'll be fun he said
>started off simple, getting into fetal position and going downstairs
>soon it escalated to the point where we all got into a box and slid down
>layman's knowledge of physics tells me that this isn't good.
>Slid downstairs at like 20 mph holy shit
>wipe out at bottom of stairway
>broken finger, wall, and ass whooping when mother found out.
Totally worth it.
>be 14 year old fag
>get eye surgery for lazy eye
>have stitches on eyelid
>eyelids get goo on them, must pick
>walking into 7/11
>feeling confident about myself because of surgery
>never flirted with anyone before, make shitty attempt with 6/10
>receive a look of horror and a scream, she dropped her coffee and ran
>Clerk calls police, starts screaming
>police arrive with ambulance
>realize that blood is SPEWING out of my eye
>covered In blood
>mfw my first attempt at flirting probably traumatized someone
>mfw the cops were laughing about how I looked like carrie
>mfw entire store bursts out laughing at me because I am betafag
>be 3 or 4
>learn how to climb on kitchen bench
>kitchen bench has drawers or some shit for sporks
>the handles are spiky some victorian shit
>just come out of bubble bath
>watery hands and legs slip
>ball sack gets caught in these handles
>mfw I'm literally dangling off these handles by my ball sack
>mfw dad has to pull me out
>mfw I get stitches in my nutsack
>be 6/7-y-o lil fag
>have a bunch of toys
>most of them were battery powered
>brain hasn't quite developed yet
>boring most of the time
>round up all my toys to play with them in the bath tub
>get toys in plastic bag
>mom fills the tub with water
>go in the bath naked and toys in hand
>throw all of them in there
>flips her shit
>"Anon, what in the name of Jeebus have you done?!" (catholic family)
>toys get fucked up
>got only power rangers and a few mini soldiers left till Christmas
>get grounded for 2 weeks without t.v and super nintendo.
I regret losing my McDonald's happy meal lil consoles.
kinda hard to see when taken with a shit camera. compared to the rest of my skin its ridiculously pink
>be at school
>11 years old
>with two buddies
>argue over something stupid
>fight two buddies
>somehow get em both on ground
>drop my knee into side of buddies head
>get my ass kicked by teacher who just saw what i did
>years later buddy always seemed slow and sucked at school
>mfw i think i gave him brain damage
>be like 9
>really into picking on my 5yr old brother
>I had this Halloween costume that my brother was terrified of
>it was like the scream mask outfit but a demon skeleton
>told him the costume sometimes goes for strolls by itself
>one day I tell my brother im going to a friends but stay outside till late and sneak in
>I hide in his closet and when he comes in for be I wait
>hour passes and I move some shit around to get his attention
>he finally wakes up, and terrified goes to open door
>as he does I stand perfectly still and him half crying reaches to touch me to see if im alive
>I grab him as he does and make scary noises as I drag him in and shut the door
>tell him im going to kill slow and other scary stuff
>I then him up with a shirt and shut him in the closest and tell him im going to finish him later
>quickly leave and go to my room and change
>after an hour and no parent busting down my door I check in on him
>he hasn't screamed, hes just sobbing in the closest still tied up
>I let him out and tell him it was me but he doesn't belive me
>mfw he was terrified of that costume for yrs and yrs
>every night I'd pray
>I thought a man in some other dimension would hear my prayers
>I'd pray for silly things like getting the latest video games or an A on a test.
>I'd pray for people in other countries
>would go to a church an worship the man in the sky
>I'd try to speak in the holy language of the sky God
>would try to cry to him about allowing me to live with him once I died
tl;dr I believed in Yahweh (Christian God)
you got it pal. i could probably be a tattoo artist.
>told 4-year-old brother we had an older brother named John
>John died in "the War"
>"You're lying! I'm gonna ask mom!"
>I wouldn't do that. Mom and dad don't like to talk about John because it makes them sad.
>"My middle name is John!"
>They named you that to honor him
>He spent the rest of the day crying, mourning the brother he'd never know (who was probably a much better older brother than the fuck he was stuck with, now) refusing to tell mom and dad why
>hfw I admitted the truth five years later
> be 6
> playing with friend and some fucking Furby in my front garden
> getting sick of the thing
> grab Furby and drown it in wading pool
> get electrocuted
> Parents hear me crying
> run outside
> friend tells them what happened
> they laugh at me.
Turns out that when my parents told me that Electricity and water didn't mix, they weren't lying.
>when I was young my brother and I shared a king sized bed.
>Shit could fit like 15 children it was huge.
>It was fun to jump on and do shit on it since it was huge so my brother and I fought a lot on it.
>one day we were bored so we decided to jump off the desks near my bed.
>jumping and shit. so fun. he did a flip and I thought that was the sickest shit ever.
>I try to copy him and man did I ever fuck up.
>table was small so there wasn't much running room, I jumped tried to flip failed.
>landed nuts first on the corner of the bed frame and missed the mattress.
>never have I experienced such pain.
>I cried and then got ice cream so it was worth.
>Be childhood me
>Anywhere from 4-6
>One day I figure out that you can piss anywhere
>Fuck the potty
>Start pissing in things
>Wouldn't tell parents when I did it
>They always found it some time later
>"Anon. Did you PISS in the vacuum cleaner?"
suprisingly there arent any, I think it was a puncture. I was hopped up on all sorts of medication the next couple of weeks. Only thing I remember 100% was the searing amount of pain.
>be 9 years old
>have abusive father
>he beats the shit out of me on a daily basis
>tell dad anyways
>dad starts fucking me instead of beating me
>sometimes beats me anyways
>just got my brand new paint ball gun a couple of months ago
>playing with a friend with it in the snow
>have turned the velocity all the way up
>friend acts like a balled and shoots his foot
>he stone faces it and says it didn't hurt
>pain is insane I drop in the snow
>friend is laughing his ass off and says he was wear steel toe
>in my rage I see my sister come out of house
>its dark out but I tell him watch this
>I take aim and shoot 1 round with lands squarly on the door right next to her face
>paint splatters all over her
>feel moment of pride until she screams in rage
>notice shes wearing a flashy dress
>I realize what day it is and that she was going to prom
>my mom and her are so pissed mom lets her take my gun and shoot me point blank in the back
>welt on welt on welt with blood coming out
>broke two toes earlier from shooting my foot
>grounded for a month
>still this that was a awesome shot at such a long range with limited visibility
mfw my brother did the same thing just a bit different
>playing floor is lava
>decide to switch up
>cushions are lava too
>on top of couch walking along
>decide to push him
>falls the wrong way onto corner table
>tornado comes through town
>tons of stuff destroyed
>everyone is busy surviving
>smash glass door to gas station
>steal tons of cigars, lighters, food, and the little money that was there
>stash it in a shed in the park next to it
>come in next day, offer my condolences, say I will keep an eye out for any suspected stolen goods
>sell the cigarettes and cigars to other kids
I regret it because I still go to that gas station because it is closest in town. Never told them but give them extra money when I buy pizza/chicken from there.
>Chillin round the house as a kid,
>Somehow get into this thing where I slid into the lounge room from the hallway from a run up,
>Older brother says that's cool do it again,
>Do mad run up and slide half way through on carpet,
>Do an intense slide half way through the room,
>Brother decides to try it,
>MFW he was wearing shorts and I was wearing these slick plastic pants that were the rage back then.
> be 12 or so
> be into Jeebus and God and stuff
> playing videogame by myself and thinking that some polygon bitch is hot
> stroke peepee through pants
> pray for forgiveness so I won't rot in hell for doing what every guy does
I still get nostalgia boners whenever I've played as that character.
> continue liking/hating masturbation
> continue being a bitch and thinking I'll go to hell
> cum, pray, cum, pray
> super horny checking out babes in my class, especially the teacher
> something in that long face she had
> start moving legs so that they stroke my dick through my pants
Imagine your legs apart, but you keep hitting your knees together so it gets tight at your crotch.
> somehow manage to get off like this
> in the middle of class
> go clean up peepee in bathroom then commence uber-praying
> do it again a while after
> grade 7 science was an interesting time, yo
I laugh about it, but it makes me feel dirty. I try to avoid jerking off in public now.
>12 years old
>have a fun summer day at the public pool
>riding bike home with my friends
>we decide to take a short cut
>short cut involves crossing a big, busy street instead of riding further down to nearest crosswalk
>lots of traffic
>1st friend crosses fine, alleviating my anxiety
>misjudge traffic, about to be runned over
>step down hard on pedal in order to haul ass
>shitty sandals slip off pedal
>rack my nuts
>towel around my neck drops, gets pulled into front tire
>front tire locks
>launch over handle bars
>full-on face plant
>bike crashes down on top of me
>I'm in the middle of the road
>hear tires screeching and horns honking
>all six lanes of traffic have now stopped because of me
>don't want people to get out of their cars
>suck it up, anon, suck it up
>quickly stand up, pick up my bike
>walk the rest of the way across street, trying to maintain a shread of dignity
>friends are literally rolling on the ground laughing
>one of the drivers rolls down his window and yells "nice one, retard!"
>recognize that voice
>it's my dad coming home from work
>older brothers friends are sliding pennies down the banister of apartment staircase
>I am at the bottom of staircase catching them
>I decide it would be a good idea to catch one in my mouth
>it goes straight down my throat
>panic, but I'm fine
>mom gets penny out of poop the next day
>day off from school
>ready to go to Roy Rogers for lunch
>waiting in our 2 ton station wagon for mom and sibs
>driveway is sloped
>interested that when I put my foot on the brake
>and move the shifter from park to neutral and back
>then take foot off brake, car moves a tiny bit.
>experiment a while
>finally take foot off brake while car is in neutral
>decide to give it a nudge
>get out and push from the front
>car starts moving
>better stop it before it moves too far, don't wanna get in trouble
>try to get in door
>front left tire runs right over my thighs.
>inch or two higher or lower, bad news
>13 stitches in my left foot from I dunno what
>but it ripped my shoe off
>13 stitches in my head from either the door or the ground
>scared shitless I'm gonna get in trouble
>don't even get yelled at cause P's are just glad I'm okay
>Be 8 years old
>Dad is in the bathtub with the lights off
>It's how he detoxes after working all day long
>I really really need to piss
>Too afraid to use the bathroom in the basement
>Knock on the door and ask to use the bathroom
>"Door's open kiddo."
>Walking around the room in darkness, find cool porcelain with my foot and start to piss
>"PAHWHAT THE FUCK!"
>I thought the bathtub was the toilet
>Apparently pissed all over my dad
>Dad nearly fell out of the bathtub as a result
>From that day on my dad has never bathed with the lights off.
>be on recess
>be on swingset
>school is gay and has a count to 60 policy on swingsets if others want to use it
>see kid walking up that always picks me
>he's not paying attention
>begin my plotting and scheming
>start swinging higher and try to time a direct hit on target faggot lips
>think to self this is retarded anyone can avoid this shit its like playing Crash
>Faggot lips never looks up and is about to be in front of me
>two soles to the face of the souless ginger faggot lips
>see he is crying
>"oh shit I'm fucked"
>run away pretending to cry
mfw when I got away with it and faggot lips knew I wanted to hurt him
I used to burry my feet into the ground so I would feel what a tree feels like. I used to stand outside for hours just taking in the sun. It got to a point thay I got severe sunburn and heat exhaustion that my parents took me to the er. my parents forbid to do it and I got depressed. So they took me to a meditation center. It was a huge relief cause I could close my eyes and hear the nature soundtrack and think I was a tree.
Now I just paint oak trees.
another poop related story
>be 4 maybe
>I like to chew on dental floss because its minty
>ingest a wad of floss, I dont remember if it was on purpose or on accident
>sometime later, pooping
>wtf if this coming out of my butt
>its the floss
>it doesn't all come out though, so I'm sitting there with string hanging out of my ass
>have to call my mom to pull the rest out
>hate maths class with a passion
>me and friends start coming up with plans to somehow disrupt class
>mfw I had to try first
>arrive the next day
>sit in the corner of the classroom
>slowly lift hands to throat and begin throttling myself
>teacher trys to pry my hands off of my throat
>whole class is evacuated whilst a dozen teachers try desperately to stop me
>remembered for this all through secondary school
>mfw made fun of for it in university too
>be like 11 or something
>live in basement of house
>have a fire escape with ladder
>run around like an animal, pissing everywhere
>jump on trampoline naked
>shit was so cash
>that feel when I had a trade my happiness for a sense of control
>we would tear the moss off our front yard and fling it at each other with plastic spoons
>basically the same thing as moss wars but with acorns
>shit hurt but damn was it fun
>'would you rather'
>we would stay up late and ask 'would you rather' questions
>always inevitably led to 'would you rather lick a warthog's anus or....'
>one day my older brother and our neighbor beat me and my neighbor's little brother with floatie noodles for probably an hour and it we laughed uncontrollably the entire time
>one time my brother tied me to a tree and as he was running around I unzipped my pants and he ran straight into the piss stream
Got another one.
>be 9 year old cuckold
>attend private school
>obsessed with WWE
>100% sure I am Cena 2.0
>kid in my class trips and falls
>bloody nose, starts crying
>wwe instinct kicks in
>flipped a desk, scaled it in nanoseconds like some sort of ape
>going completely insane at this point
>screaming, calling kid a pussy for crying
>wrestlers don't cry pussy
>I proceed to jump 6 feet up in the air and deliver a brutal atomic elbow
>tfw I gave him a concussion
>tfw I am elite wrestler king
>be me 7 and brother 4
>taking a bath together after dinner
>we're told we'll get ice cream sandwiches if we're good
>have to piss
>decide to piss in the tub so as not to get water all over the floor
>tell brother I have to piss
>"pee on me XD"
>ok why not
>give brother golden shower
>dad comes in to wash our hair and rinse us off
>brother says "Anon peed on me XD"
>Dad: "you pissed on your brother?"
>panicking, think of a way out
>was watching Little Bear earlier
>Duck would always play dumb when she got caught doing something by saying "I did...?"
>"YOU PISSED ON YOUR BROTHER?" dad asks again
>"I did...?" thinking I was slick as fuck
>"Well guess what, you just pissed yourself out of an ice cream"
>Friend and other weird dude in my class come up to me at lunchtime,
>Tell me they are going to steal games from the computers,
>Need look-out, why they came to me,
>The heist is on, they download to floppy disks from completely un protected computers,
>Teacher comes in and asks what I am doing inside,
>Tell her I'm just getting my asthma puffer,
>She just goes, "Oh, right."
"Well guess what, you just pissed yourself out of an ice cream"
That is fucking brilliant, do you think your father ever thought he would construct those specific words together and have it make sense in context?
Love how no one mentioned the light shoes. Fuck those shoes were the best. Sketchers light up shoes would make you run so fast you would look like a Kenyan Olympic sprinter. You could jump so far and high they would call you the next superman.
Fuck those shoes helped me slay so much poose, i lost my virginity when I was 8
Your mom didn't even give you a mask? What a stupid fucking bitch nigger ass cunt dick pussy.
Shit I just remembered one
>be 6 or 7, brother was 4
>we would also bathe together and play in shower.
>one day i have to piss and he has to piss too, so i suggest we both piss on to the drain so we don't make the floor wet or slip
>we both piss and make our urine cross while doing it, making an "X" on the middle of the air
>we laugh about it and say we're the X-Men
>this actually becomes a ritual and we do it pretty often, even when we are not bathing
>tfw i grew up and lil bro still wanted to keep doing it
>tfw i remembered this
i love you, lil bro
>6v DC in water
i rembered one hope someone gets a kek out of it
>my pals had a trampoline
>would jump from garage roof onto it
>would land on ass
>be at home in room
>brother and i shared a room
>i had a loft bed he had a twin
>beds are bouncy right?
>jump off my bed onto his , land on ass
>didnt know it would hurt
now i have a slight curve in my back that i assume is from that incident
When I was like 4-6 I used to bang my head on the couch backwards and yelled "ALLAH HU", (inb5 sandnigger mudslime) at the top of my voice. I just didn't stop no matter how much everyone yelled at me. Then one day my grandpa sat me on a wooden chair and after a couple really hard bangs, I stopped forever.
>be over at cousin's house
>having a blast
>sneak into her sister's room
>I put on her bra and skirt, stuffing clothes into the bra so I'd have boobs, and pretend to be a girl
>both laugh our asses off
>eventually grind on him and give him a handjob
What the fuck was wrong with me
I know I have some good stories, just let me think for a minute
This one comes to mind tho
>Be me, about 8 years old
>Reguarly attended boys and girls club over summer cause parents worked during day
>Was the fucking champ at pokemon red
>I knew the mew glitch before a lot of people
>Internet was fairly new, so no one even thought of looking it up
>Kids paid me $20 to get mew for them
>I'd take their games away from them so they couldn't see, set up glitch, and give the game back when I encountered mew so they didn't know what I did
>around 100 for an entire summer
>mew made me rich as a kid
I know not the best, but let me think of some more.
>be me like 12 or 13
>Stack up chairs each one alongside eachother
>Made it to like 7 chairs
>Run and jump
>Add 2 more chairs
>Run and jump and hit one and flip over onto my ass
>Keep jumping these chairs cause they aren't going to fucking beat me
>Do this for an hour while my father and other kids watch
>I finally make it and just go home
>Don't even put the chairs back
Loved being told I couldn't do something gets me so motivated
I have a tumblr with a just a couple of followers, best way to help the /b/ army?
yet another story
>be like 8
>standing on the side of the bottom bunk and holding onto the side of the top bunk
>releasing anger by hitting my head onto the top bunk bed
>miss the bed
>chip off half of my front tooth and cant find it anywhere
>tell my parents I fell
I was without half of a front tooth for 4 months, they fucked up the bonding procedure a bit and I still have that small bump on the back of my tooth 10 years later.
>be 13 or something
>countryside live in a small village
>me and my 2 buddies often hang out at a small stream near the playground
>while blowing up some firework we saved from new year's eve my friend comes up with the glorious idea of tying a frog to our one and only firework rocket
>everyone thinks its a great idea
>mfw the frog is desperately trying to get free even more from the moment we light up the rocket as if he knew what was going to happen
>3,2,1 TAKE OFF
>it was kind of a low level flight due to the frogs weight
>as soon as the rocket exploded we ran off looking for the the crash site
>mfw all we ever found was the stem of the rocket with the frogs charred legs still tied to it
>mfw today was a good day
>decide to fuck around with computer
>brother dares me to eat chalk and use the video to film it
>tastes like sand
>does it anyway
>saves it on usb because i was stupid and i wanted to prove to him i did it
>usb has games and shit that i use to play on the school computers so i usually bring it to school
>at school the next day i drop the usb
>only realise where it is when girl hands it up to the teacher
>we are in the computer room and the teacher plugs it into the computer to check whos it is
>bitch tries to click video
>ends up grabbing usb out of the computer ran out of the class
> 10 or something minutes later im called up to the office
>disposes of usb in a bin before i go up there
>tfw they think ive been sending self harming videos on the internet
>tfw i get sent to a counceller
>tfw i ate chalk
I remember we used to live in a neighborhood with some pretty shitty people. I remember a couple of kids, (pieces of shit) that we hated but yet hung with. One day me and my cousin had a fight and didn't exactly "get our way" during the fight.
After tons of planning on how we're gonna get back at them, my cousin thought of an idea. He grabbed a stick and handed it to me, told me to hit him as hard as he can. I obliged quite happily and made sure to leave marks.
The he went to his older brother, (which everyone was scared of) and told that they hit us and left marks on us. My cousin is a real bitch and can put on a show, even tear up on cue. Then his brother went out and called those two assholes. He told us to hit them as hard as we can and he warned them not to move or scream. And of course, we beat the shit out of them.
And if memory serves right, I believe it was our fault the whole thing happened in the first place.
Yeah, we were real assholes as kids.
>No idea of what friction is
>Decide im going to slide down my carpeted steps on a pillow
>i slide 2 steps out of 17
>I cartwheel the rest
>Start crying but immediately start laughing as well
Sometimes I think back and realize how horribly wrong that could have went.
Me and best friend just played The legend of dragoon. He got it for his birthday. We decided to go out and play for real. He played as Dart and used sword. I played as lavits and used a spear. Family had an old wood shop. These were just scrap wood. Derp brother wants to play so we start ganging up on him. He was playing as Kongol so he had large "Axe" like pieces. He started throwing them we were deflecting them like ninjas. I picked up my trowing spear and threw it at his feet to stick in ground. It stuck.. But not in the ground. He went to hospital later with a hole in his foot. I i stabbed my best friends little brother...
these are the best threads
>be in first grade
>live in house with upstairs and basement
>stairs to basement and stairs upstairs are right next to each other
>hole is cut in the wall going upstairs so you could look down and see the stairs going downstairs
>would constantly drop and throw shit down stairs while on the top step
>one day throw my shoe from top step to basement without looking
>"OW WHAT THE SHIT"
>hear running up stairs
>realize what the fuck I just did
>I threw my shoe and hit my dad in the head as he was coming up stairs
>oh god what have I done
>dad takes me to my room
>takes off belt
>recieve many lashes to bare ass
>can't sit normally for 3 days
>never throw shit down stairs again
And some people say corporal punishment doesn't work
>little troublemaker at a Methodist school
>sneak into the chapel with a buddy after school
>being the little fucker I was, I came up with a master plan
>start pissing all over the steeple and the walls
>literally pissing on the bible
>buddy joins in
>he shits on one of the pews
>gtfo and get picked up at carline
>mfw no one ever caught us
I was a silly motherfucker back then
After taking 4 grams of psilocybin mushrooms I can honestly say that a being a tree feels like being in the center of earth. Feeling connected to the ground feels like every root passes from my DNA to the earths magnitude. My breathe is just the earths wind and it feels like i'm regenerating the earths energy by replacing carbon dioxide with oxygen. The earth provides with water for me and it vitalizes my soul. When I am a tree I am one with earth and the earth is one with the universe which makes me feel small and irrelevant but yet important at the same time. So yeah being a tree is like being a silent vessel.
>be anywhere from 4-6 at my nan's house
>sudden urge to release the shit monster
>go knock on toilet door "i'm in here"
>my brother is in there and he always used to take long ass shits
>start telling him to hurry up i really need to shit
>he tells me to go do it in the backyard like the dogs do
>mfw I shit in my nan's backyard
>mfw he got in trouble for telling me to do it
>mfw he had to clean up my shit
>talk shit to my kid sister
>she throws building block at me
>time to get a new window
>hanging out with this other kid
>running around barefoot in his overgrown backyard
>step on wooden board with rusty nail sticking out of it
>I read way too much, even as a kid, so I know about rusty metal
>terrified for a week I'll come down with lockjaw
>mine has a split-open pit
>kernel inside looks just like a wrinkly almond
>me: I wonder what it tastes like
>kid sister: lick it and find out, Anon
>holy fuck that is bitter
>later that day go to library
>check out book on poisonous plants
>peach pits contain cyanide*
>spend the rest of the day thinking I'm about to die
>didn't actually die
*amygdalin, a cyanogenic glycoside, which released cyanide when your body breaks it down. did I mention I still read way too much shit?
>Be me in fifth grade
>Two friends and I used to go to the restroom during class, recess, or lunch
>Go in stalls and take shits while taking about how nice our teachers ass looked that day
One of them, David is his name, took a shit in the urinal once aswell. We used to talk about how many pubes we had like if they were cool
>hide n seek at neighbors house
>hiding under bed
>drop trow and hump a pile of laundry
>be 4 years old
>have obsession with jumping on the bed
>brother decides to jump from under the bed with a sheet over his head and screams"BOO!!"
>I fall and shatter a clay pot on the floor with my head
>Get a shit ton of stitches don't remember how many
>mfw I have a giant "L" shaped scar on my forehead
>mfw I was marked a loser for life
>mfw I have no face
>dick is well grown. Can erect.
>went to Australia to visit my aunt with grandaunt. (I don't stay with my parents.)
>my aunt have 2 adopted child
> 1 boy and 1 girl
>boy around 15yr, girl around 13-14
>went to play with my cousins.
>boy is exhausted then went back to his room to sleep while I'm chillin with my 7/10 cousin.
>she started to lock the doors and strips me naked.
>she literally let me touch her tits and I erected.
>she tries to flick my dick and I laughed with her when my dick bounces like a spring.
>miss her badly tho.
After 10 years, I heard from my aunt that she already remarried 3 times and started to take drugs.Not sure to be happy or dissapointed.
Local church next to friends house i stayed at a lot. They have that one room downstairs that had food. learn how to be a criminal and steal all their oreos and capri suns. Was the start of some really bad habbits
>hate english class cuz teacher is a bitch, hits us if we dont get our homework done,
>didnt do homework
>in deep shit
>teacher walks in
>fat as fuck as usual
>hurry up and think
>brain goes potato and decide to hide under my chair
>its hot as fuck and crowded as shit
>how much longer can i do this
>teachers walks by to check work
>somehow doesn't notice me
>marks me absent
>tfw she had two joint periods
>tfw walked out of class and was about to faint
I also remember jumping out of a window once when she was coming round for hw
Crucified a lizard on popsicle sticks after Bible studies class one Sunday.
>Me, elementary school, 3rd grade
>friend and I discovered that we can be late to class
>we just hide in the bathroom for about 30 minutes after the bell and chill before going to the office and getting a note to go to class
>one day chillin in bathroom
>"lets take a shit on the floor, anon"
>ok why not
>don't have to shit, but friend does
>He squats next to urinal and shits, we laugh and think it's funny
>We stand around laughing for about 5 minutes
>nignog janitor walks in, sees shit
>giga nigga activated
>He starts screaming like he learned from his days in the hood and drags us to the front office
>sitting in the punishment chairs, waiting to be called in by principal, we start coming up with a story in last effort to get away with it
>he calls my friend in first
>bout 30 min later, calls me in
>gives me hand sanatizer before I touch anything cause he thought I was playing with the shit (lol)
>Tell him the BS story my friend and I came up with
>"Your friend says you were the one who went shit, anon"
>that backstabbing lying sonofabitch
>Tell him the real story that he was the one who shit
>now we are both fucked cause there are three different stories now
>Both get suspended
>I get followed by my teacehr for the rest of the year whenever I use the restroom
>be me in elementary school
>mid-winter i was in my snow bibs cuse it was cold in class
>put hands in bibs cuse cold
>find out closer to my dick i go i warmer it is
>my pee-pee starts to feel good from hands so close
>start rubbing it class feel so good
>start getting off on the fact i'm getting off
>teacher sees me twitching puts her hand on me, "you ok?"
>cum hard with her next to in class
>cum so hard i can't hear for a few seconds
>never cum that hard scene
>friends dare me
>came in a ziplock bag
>brought it to school
>showed it to them
>P.E teacher was a straight homo, kicked out of last school
>people called him "taxi" for some reason
>annoyed the fuck out of him
>literally to the point where he'd hit us
>entire class go to ground
>find P.E teacher walking around
>all of us yell "TAXI" at the top of our lungs
>eyeballs the fuck out of all of us
>mfw he was chasing 30 kids around the school
>continue calling him taxi, and throw stuff at him
>everyone in the school is looking at him and laughing
>fat fuck cant run
>we cut all of our next classes
>half the school is with us now
>he gives up
>tfw normal day next day
6th grade was a great time
>9 or 10 or so
>old enough to go play on other streets
>out riding bikes
>meet up with bunch of friends at school playground
>we decide to play tag
>game gets boring
>gotta spice this shit up
>we decide to play "death tag"
>like tag, but with tackling and brutal wrestling moves
>we like the taste of danger
>we decide to play "bike tag"
>like tag, but on bikes
>we are chasing each other around the school on bikes
>tearing around blind corners
>some of us are going clockwise around the school building, some are going counter-clockwise
>get the idea to look through the classroom windows
>can see across the school building in some spots
>see the "it" kid riding in one direction
>I got him!
>go to intercept
>we both come around a blind corner at the same time
>both thrown off bikes
>remember our bodies clipping each other midair
>we rag-doll away
>he lands in the grass
>I land in the pea gravel of the swing set
>sit up dazed
>scrapes and shit, but okay
>spot the other kid way far away sitting up and looking at me
>he's okay too
>everyone rides up to check on us
>we go get our bikes
>it's a horror show
>they're so tangled together we can't actually pull them apart
>kid says "maybe we shouldn't play bike tag"
>we all agree
>playing with friend and friend's brother
>both were kinda slow
>wtf, we were all pretty fucking retarded
>decide throwing bricks onto this small ass trampoline would be funny as shit
>throw 1 brick
>keep doing this
>friend's little brother comes out
>in the midst of throwing a brick
>exceptionally larger brick
>"Hey anon whatchu guys-"
>it was too late
>not even Flash could save this autistic fuck from being hulk-smashed
>NINER NINER, MAN DOWN. I REPEAT - MAN DOWN.
>his mom comes out
>there's blood everywhere
>she just looks at me like pic related
>tfw she had a lazy eye so thats why pic works
>Have people over at our house
>Have to shit really bad
>Someones in the bathroom
>Try to hold it in, squirming around feeling pain of giant shit rolling around in my bowels
>ITS CROWNING OMG
>Run into laundry room, shut door release massive dump on floor
>Wipe my ass with my hand
>Smear shit all over backside of door
>Hurry out of bathroom, run outside real quick
>Wipe shit hand in grass and let dog lick off remainder of poo
>Go back inside, act natural
>Mom goes "WHAT THE HELL"
>"WHO SHIT IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM"
>Dad goes "Anon did you go to the bathroom in the laundry room
>"No i think that was uncle mark"
>3 of us: Blonde friend, Ginger friend, me
>based all nighters playing Runescape
>Ginger friend comes back from bathroom
>"Look what I found"
>He reveals pink vibrator obviously from my mums room
>Blonde friend says he will give 3mil gp to whoever shuvs it up their ass
>Ginger friend goes upstairs
>10 minutes later comes back down and shows us a recording of him faking sticking a dildo up his ass
>We aren't fools, we know he faked it
>"Here let me show you have you do it"
>Go upstairs and start filming myself sticking my mums vibrator into my ass
>I'm sticking my mums dildo in my ass
>Holy shit ouch
>"That's how you fucking do it"
>Friends are disgusted with video
>I never got the 3mil
>11 or something, ages ago(feels like ages), im 19 now
>little brother gets Barney the dinosaur robot toy, etc.
>one of those with the plushy fur etc but its robotics and it moves and says phrases
>Absolutely fuckibg despise the thing
>YOU LOVE ME,I LOVE YOU
>go on recon mission
>brother is away on playdate
>get scissors from drawer (lets hope mom doesnt see!)
>sneak up to brothers room
>haha! there you are you sack of shit!
>grab the fucker and fling him into a wall
>open up the battery cabinet
>toss the batteries and crack the plastic so I can cut the wires up
>fuck it up
>go out into backyard
>get dads toolbox
>hit the fucker with a hammer a few times
>toss it in the pool
Thats the day I got my ass kicked by my dad abd then my little brother
>raised in sw florida
>staying at fort myers beach for mothers day weekend
>at the beach and massive shit coming on
>get hotel card from mom, run to hotel room
>can't even make it to toilet
>shit all over a towel on the floor in front of the shower
>dont know what to do
>wrap up towel, throw in closet behind a water heater
>paranoid as hell for months thinking the hotel will call and tell mom what they found
>mfw some mexican maid had to grab a towel full of my shit
>be me 8 y/o
>got in fight with friend
>he told me he is adopted
>say to him "go run with your mom... oh that's right, you dont have one!"
>boy ran off and cries with teacher
>me get in big trouble
>boy tells story on orphanage
>director of orphanage tells story to the parents that are adopting
>those parents adopt him because of the fight
>literally me saying that he has no parents made him have parents
Used to forget my house keys after school. Had to shit real bad after bus ride. Cant get in. Usually climb the outside of the balcony to the 2nd story where the door was an interior door "easy to shim". couldnt make it. Hang ass over porch let a huge shit loose. It falls 2 stories and becomes flat and the size and shape of a dinner plate. It stayed there for weeks.
I hate people that do that shit. I either sink myself or save myself. I accept the consequences or luckily get away with shit. If you guys were smart, you would've whispered a game plan on the way to the office saying you saw it there when you got there. Nice story though.
>be me at 7 years old
>playing baseball with my brother whose 13 and the neighborhood kids
>Back up anon i'm going to hit you with the bat
>still don't back up like an idiot
>he swings for the fences and clocks me in the side of the head
>woke up in the emergency room
Another shit story.
>be several years ago
>live in knoxville
>on way to college
>blowing down pellissippi parkway at about 80 mph
>have napkins from wendys or wherever on seat next to me
>unzip pants, lift my ass up, wipe my ass going 80 mph
>no place to put napkins besides out the window
>throw out the window, but not hard enough
>napkin comes back in window
>shit side slaps right in my face
>tfw i used all the napkins on my ass already
>tfw i had to use the inside of my shirt to wipe the shit off my face before class
>local highschool under construction
>friends and i notice electric construction cart unintended
>friends and i feel it'd be a good idea to steal it
>joyride through neighborhood running over trashbins and various other objects
>neighborhood hick notices gets angry
> chases us down with his car
>hick corners us in an ally way
>ditch the cart and run like hell
>be about 11
>didn't mow lawn like i was supposed.
>"but dad, no gas" whiny bullshit excuse
>he says "walk your ass to the gas station and get some"
>finally get to gas station. my prepubescent rage is hotter than a thousand suns.
>stuff the gas nozzle into gas can and pull switch.
>nothing happens. about to rage quit. seriously about to scream.
>pull nozzle out of gas can, lift it up to see better, all the while still holding the switch down.
>suddenly gas sprays of the thing, shoots across the gas station.
>i managed to thread the needle and have gas arc directly into some poor bastard's open car window.
>run the fuck out of the place. and hide in a park while hyperventilating.
>borrowed gas from a neighbor and never told my dad what happened to the gas can.
I remember similar stuff
I once shit my pants didn't even notice. Not that untrusted fart kind of stuff, I just didn't notice at all. It all kept falling out of my pants in little bits, like the size of hershey kisses. I left like half a mile trail of pieces of shit behind me. Never found out how it happened.
>dick is size of yggdrasil
>cum is all over my face
Hang out with friend. He shows me his dads dirty mags. i wait till he is asleep and i pull aprt the staples and take the centerfold. Replace the mags and no body realizes the coup. they served me well.
rubbed genitals with my sister and eventually came on her stomach and chest
pretty sure it was the first time she had seen anything like that. we were both kind of shocked when it happened
>be like 10-12
>mom has computer in private room
>thing has internet
>search boobies on google
>search porn next
>go to first site
>download some virses security solfware
>fuck up the intire computer
>mom finds out
>she had to wipe the entire computer
>had tons of accounting files because she was an accountant
>she got in big shit at work
>didn't look at porn on a computer for like 3 years after that
>Be in 3rd grade and bestfriend invites me to sleep over
>First night we play Turok Evolution till 1a.m.
>2nd night his mom goes to work and his brother is left to take care of us
>We decide to wrestle and his brother picks to ref
>We choose to act as our favorite wrestler
>I choose Eddie Guerrero and he chooses John Cene
>We throw fake punches and whatnot
>I decide to put him in a gellatene and bulldog him
>Mfw he gets up not knowing his nose is gushing blood
>10-12 years old
>ride our bikes all the time
>play street hockey sometimes
>brilliant idea one day to joust on our bikes with hockey sticks
>playing with toy train
>somehow think it's a good idea to stick my dick on the train tracks
>nothing can prepare me for what happens next
>foreskin catches in wheel and gets jammed into the wheel as it attempts to push itself further onto my dick
>mfw my whole family came in to find me with a train lodged on my 4 year old member
Similar story but when I jumped, the belt holder thing that lines slacks got caught on the swing chain. I hit the gravel right at the base making an upside down "v" shape. I hate heights now.
It's fucking hilarious how fuckers like this end up on 4chan
It's almost predictable
>saw some steven segal movie where he rapes some dude with a kitchen knife
>think: "i wanna be cool knife man"
>get sharpest knife from the kitchen and kill imaginary badguys
>draw the knife back to stab some smelly terrorist nigger in the gut
>knife goes into the back of my left thigh about three inches
>later realized how lucky i was i didnt hit any major arteries or nerves
>lied to parents said it was a nail sticking out of the cupboard or some shit
>went to the doctor got a tetanus booster
>be in the bathtub
>running water onto my dick from the faucet
>called it the birdy massager
>felt really good so i wanted to do more
>squirt bodywash into dickhole
>burns like a motherfucker
>jump out of tub soaking wet
>run to mom screaming like a bitch
>have an old truck parked behind house kinda on a hill
>kids, never climb on the truck, k?
>yes mom ok
>fuck that shit, sitting on hood
>should probably get down before i get in trouble
>it's not that far of a drop if i jump off the side
>at least 7' in reality
>not factoring in the 2' stack on cinder blocks on the left i somehow didnt see
>hit stack of blocks directly with my left elbow
>bones sticking out everywhere
only thing i really remember besides the jump was sitting in the ER and the guy in the bed next to me had a hammer stuck in his head.
stole my schools shit during computer class alone
used computer class to download horse porn and hentai from lime-wire.
>be 4 years old
>playing outside with slightly older friend (maybe 6)
>road sign is ripped out of ground and laying on a tree root
>mfw it's perfect to jump up and down on
>take turns jumping up and down on sign
>mfw I walk too close to jagged rusty edge as friend is jumping
>mfw the jagged edge rips into my skull
>mfw blood fucking everywhere and screaming loud enough to wake the dead
>mfw I was literally a hair's width from ripping my eye out
>mfw I still remember yellow scissors in my eye at the ER
>and the blood all over my stairs and sidewalk and my living room full of strangers
>mfw I needed to wear eyepatch for months
>mfw I have a chunk of skull missing under my eyebrow
>big fan of WWF
>go to school
> turn P.E field into fucking wrestlemania
> "tag team" match with bros against random kids
>nigger kid says hes the rock
> I was stonecold steve austin
>nigger kid takes this seriously
>rockbottoms me hard on a sand pit
> i get pissed off
>stone cold stunner that somebitch while he was standing on the bleachers
>feel his neck crack between my shoulders
>take that you nigger
>fat bro "buttbombed" niggerkid (he jumped off bleachers ass first smashing nigger kids ribs)
>nigger kid screaming in fucking pain
> everyone scatters
>see niggerkid being taken away by an ambulance
>somehow got away with it
>be me in gr.4 winter
>recess time nigga
>me nd my friend tommy chilling on a snowbank with some fat Asian tard
>hey tommy u wanna jump him
>we both tackled him and were both on his back
> were laughing our asses off while he's in pain
> there's a loud ass bang
> tard slow kid hits his head off a portable
> large dent in the portable with slight blood
> Bell rings
> balls deflate
> look back at tard and he's not moving eyes closed
> me and tommy try kicking snow on him to cover body while kids are coming back from the field
> fat bitch named Katy sees us and snitches on us
> me and tommy blamed some half nigger for pushing us down
> story we made up made no fucking sense
Got away even the half nigger got away the azn tard kid comes back to class other day told him he slipped. Believed it. Gud tymes
actually the bend in your dick has nothing to do with the taping.
some dicks curve. some a little, some a lot. in any direction.
But not because of anything kids do to them, like taping them.
>Visiting someone else's house with parents
>Me and my parents with other family and girl
>Was young at the time so wasn't interested in relationships
>Sometime later after getting done taking shit, have the brilliant idea of butt sliding down the stairs
>Do that shit
>Realize that Young me did a shit job of wiping beforehand
You figure out the rest. I sometimes hate my younger self for the moronic decisions I made.
>Be 6 or 7
>Brother loves to game
>Has this PS1 game that you can mix your own electronic tracks
>Catchy as fuck music I can still remember
>Find out you can record your voice onto it using some thing that came with it
>Rad as fuck
>Start making shitty podcast like broadcasts on this PS1 game
>Interview my own dick and record it
>Feel like I'm a comedy god
>Weeks later realize that my parents might find that vulgar if they listened to it
>Paranoid until I was 13 that they would find it and get mad at me
>Even tried to find it myself and destroy the evidence
>first time riding bike around 7-8
>going mach 2 down a hill
>see a small bridge with somewhat high concrete curb
>I CAN DO IT COACH
>slam right into curb and am thrown off my bike
>face-plant into the bridge and and fall into the water
>mfw banned from bike for two weeks
>i tried to make a magic potion
>mix card borad tube from TP with water.
>throw glop down bathroom sink
>it clogs it so bad had to get a new one
>not allowed to you sink unsupervised
>Have 1st dvd ever of like a Garfield movie.
>Dirty as fuck because didn't know how to take care of disks.
>Run it under tap with soap and get it clean.
>Think paper towels would scratch it, so I need another way of drying it.
>Insert disk into microwave for 4 minutes.
>Put it on medium because it makes things warmer faster.
>It finishes, dvd has huge red glowing cracks in it and is hot as fuck.
>Don't want parents to find it, so throw it into closet.
Never saw it again.
>Be around 10
>Found a pool table ball in Grandma's backyard
>rolling the ball down the stairs hand rail into bean bag chair
>Ball went like mach 12
>Ball already on way down
>Little 6 year old bro jumped in bean bag
>Ball hit the fucker in the eye at light speed
>Little bros face turned into half a frankenfuck
>Scolded and spanked by huge alpha dad
>mfw bro's face
threw rocks at cars on trains
played with gasoline and firearms
defaced school property
drank and drove
emptied the entire school with fox urine from trapping convention (no not that kind)
just gettin warmed up
>that was all by grade 4
>4th grade class
>have to take a massive dump
>too shy to use bathrooms because you get made fun of for shitting
>try to hold it in
>eventually some shit comes out
>still need to go
>decide to pinch a loaf every few minutes
>hope nobody would notice
>eventually classmates start noticing the smell
>get sent home for shitting my pants
>nobody in school talks to me from that point on
>move to new city, new school one month later
>running and sliding on sleeping bag past bathroom door
>Little retarded sister runs in front of me
>Slide inter her at light speed
>Sister went to ER
>Doctor thought dad broke her leg
>take a long walk up a short pier carrying rocks
>take a toaster to the bathtub
>take an arrow to the face
>brother and I playing with metal vacuum pole
>pretend it's a rocket launcher
>Suddenly get bright idea try try and pole-vault over the couch in our den with it
>pole stop right at the base of the couch
>pole smashed me right in the face
>knocked out a perfect half circle from my two front teeth
> looking like 9 year old hillbilly vampire
>chunks of my shattered teeth dribbling down my face in a mixture of blood,tears and spit
>mfw brother still tries to do it
I wasnt a kid but I was still rather retarded
>just got own car
>noice 4 door
>nig bro in back seats laying down because niggas gonna nig and smoke too much fuckin weed
>i dont smoke, but nevermind
>go driving around with nig bro
>shieet need to stop for gas
>didnt realize it was a shithole
>tank up and go into shop to pay
>it wasnt midnight but rather late and the place was empty
>left keys on seat and car unlocked because nig bro was suposed to be watchin the car (i dont know I was tired, young, and inexperienced)
>some nig nog must have seen the keys walking by and hopped in, started her up and floored it
>he sped away and I just walk out like "hey thats my car!"
>aparently my nig bro woke up and got up
>thinks its me
>"Where the fuck you goin, retard!"
>thief completely flips shit aparently, expecting nig bro to strangle him or something
>nig bro too high and or drunk to know whats up
>car jacker slams the breaks on and almost crashes my car
>he gets out and does a runner
I see my car thinking he crashed and Im like holy shit my friend tried to stop him and one of them are hurt or something
>run up to car dripping sweat from running but mostly the nerves
>nig bro pokes his head out from the back and says
>"Can you learn to properly fucking drive or what?"
>get in car, drive home
>nig bro sobers up and I tell him the story
>5 years old
>swimming in plastic kiddie pool with built in slide
>have toys in pool like a boss
>swimmin with plastic sonic toy
>gotta go fast down the slide
>sanic goes faster than me
>he hits the pool before i do
>fall off end of slide
>land on sanic
>hedge hog spikes into bhole
>mom comes out to see
>looks at butthole
>wow anon that looks pretty painful, if it gets worse we'll go to the dr
>butthole hurts for days
>never wanna go fast again
>be me around6 or seven
>get idea in my head that i am superman
>decide to jump from the top of my grandfathers 35 step staircase
>made it about ten steps out before crashing and burning all the way to the bottom
I only got rug burn. That is only one of the many stories of me doing stupid shit. Others include:
>Jumping of a swingset and landing on my back when i was 8
>twisting my ankles and causing 6 people to trip over me in middle school
>running full force into a brick wall when i was 7
>doing a complete split (im a guy, so that shit really hurts) also when i was 6
Surprisingly, I never had a broken bone.
When I was 10 I stuck out my foot while tying my shoes to trip this girl who was running by
She broke both of her wrists. I got out of it because I was tying my shoes and it was an "accident"
>>get shrek movie
>>i was so happy
>>be still watching shrek
>>mother busted in my room
>>tells me to go outside
>>dad comes in as well
>>trys to turn DVD off
>>have shrek burst through the windows
>>"OGRE MY DED BODEH"
>>shrek threw 2 onionaides at my dad
>>his body blasted to several pieces
>>shrek starts raping my dads head and shoots about 2 pints of ogre essence
>>some hits my lip
>>oh god i love it
>>shrek turns to me
>>YOURE COMING WIT MEH
>>shrek mounts my ass with force of 100 supernovae
>>rams his cock inside and his member trembles inside my ass hole
>>hurts, but love hurts more
>>but not more than my love for shrek
>>shrek blasts a load
>>and flies toward the horizon
>>IT'S ALL OGRE NOW
>english talking to friends while teacher is speaking
>"Anon, you like talking so much why don't you read the question"
>K, read slowly, etc.
>"Anon, what's the answer?!"
>be me enrolled at private school
>before science class teacher infront oblivious to shenanigans
>sitting in best friends chair because he sat next to a hot chick
>"get out of my chair anon"
>he pushes me out of his chair
>I get up and punch him in the face
>he falls out of his chair
>another friend out of nowhere throws a desk at him
>metal leg hits friend 1 on face
>sounded like a bomb going off
>science teacher catches us
>sent to headmaster
>get called idiots
>in middle school
>bored one day with friends
>get a child's little car that you can ride
>live in a hilly area
>proceed to go flying down a hill as the piece of shit toy breaks under me
>mfw I didn't get hurt somehow
I did this to a teacher before. I asked him "Honey G do you know Deez?"
then me and my group of less than average intelligence friends proceed to laugh hysterically
>go to really small school
>50 kids max in K-5
>my class is 4th/5th grade
>probably 60/40 Male/Female ratio
>sex education day
>girls excused to go to "gym" which was basically a recess
>we watch video for 15 minutes
>comes to part about erections
>insert pervy erection.gif
>shows two animations of guys getting erections
>classmate and i joke about them having a sword fight
>class gets pretty raucous
>female teacher doesn't even know what even
>lights go up, video stopped
>each get handed a bag full of condoms, deoderant, and razors...
>girls come back from "gym"
>we go to "gym" quite confused about the experience
>girls video takes 2 hours