How usual is it to have really bad thoughts and such?
I'm 28 and I think of killing people kind of constantly, whenever I'm driving alone at night and I see a girl walking alone I have the impulse of pulling over and well, doing something bad.
I also used to feel attracted to the idea of CP until I was 19 or so but then realised how dumb that is and stopped. But I'm engaged and I'm scared stuff may be latent or something.
I highly doubt I'd ever do something as I consider myself a very moral person outside these thoughts and I know I couldn't live with myself if I ever actually did something, but I want to gauge wether this is something I should seek help for or if it's something normal.
Not trying to be edgy, just genuinely worried about it.
I have a good job and I lift, so that part's covered.
It's true that I don't have that kind of thoughts for a few hours after I've had sex actually, so there might be something to that.
I don't know, when I was a kid I'd kill bugs all the time in different ways, I'd hunt grasshoppers and pull their limbs off when I was 6. I tortured almost every pet we had growing up in secret until I went too far and killed our dog when I was 14 and that was a bit of an alarm to myself and that's when I stopped doing it.
No one knows I did that or that I was responsable for the dog's death and yeah.
Get treatment you sound Psychotic. Get some therapy the killing of pet and torture of other animals is major red flags. How would you describe your emotional state? Do you care about anyone?
I don't really consider myself psychotic, I know what I was doing was wrong and when I saw it had consequences I stopped. I really do care about my family and my fiancee, which is why I'm asking about this. I don't know, I'd just derive satisfaction from it, it was like an adrenaline rush, and I'd let them run just so I could chase them again and such, which sounds pretty sick. But I haven't done that in 14 years since I was basically a kid.
I do ommit and make stuff up IRL, I feel like I have to filter myself a lot because there's things I just don't like others to see, you know? I never talk about being depressed when I am, and this kind of stuff I just keep to myself because it's just too weird. I don't lie a lot to the people I really care about, other than pretty much ommiting the CP part and my violent thoughts.
I wouldn't say its normal to have those thoughts. I mean I get similar thoughts but its never random people it usually at very shitty people I happen to come across on a daily basis.
Whenever i see someone being an asshole I usually get a thought along the lines of "I'm pretty sure the world would be better if that person just ceased to exist" or "I would be so simple to just run this asshole over who suddenly decided to cross the road as my green light went on."
I know that there are consequences to actually doing any of it but its somewhat soothing to just have that thought and daydream about the possibility of it happening.
Just fights with my brother all through growing up, but that was just normal sibling fights. And I've had fist fights with random people and cousins but never initiated by me, I'm usually pretty calm.
Never mistreated a gf or anything of the sort, for example. I'm a bit afraid I might end up mistreating either her or my future children because of my tendency with animals growing up and so on and that it will come out of nowhere.
Yeah, I get those too, but I consider those normal. It's just shitty to be thinking about it about random women and so on. Whenever I see a crime show I can feel my pulse racing a bit because deep down the fantasy to carry on something of the sort is there, for example.
>>16894377 (OP) here
Oh and when I was 5 or 6 the neighbour who was also 5 or 6 kind of touched me inappropiately and I thought it was just a game but well, we got caught one day and got told to stop it and we did.
But turns out he had abusive older brothers which is where he'd learned it.
I don't know if that traumatised me at all but I don't think so.
I think it's extremely unlikely I'd ever do something about it no matter what, the point of the thread was pretty much to find out if it's normal to have the thoughts to begin with. If I ever got to the point where I feel I'd actually hurt someone else I'd sooner kill myself, I 100% wouldn't be able to live with it.
By the replies I'm getting I see that it isn't normal so I'll try to work on it and I'll try to find someone to talk to.
anyways, i feel the same way you do OP, it's really scary to be afraid of your own judgement and mind, i'm into a lot of weird and obscene stuff
i've been having obscure thoughts since i can remember i think, althought im a really moral person and nice and thoughtful, i cant help but to feel like a sociopath from time to time. It gets really hard thinking i might explode someday and do something awful, because i've already done a few monstruous things that fortunaly noone found out about
as a kid i always though about the most efficient and economic ways of killing people, and although i once reached the gas chamber conclusion i've fantasized about puting metodically placed bombs or granades on the flor on a crowded place and such.
i had sexual relations with my old dog, and lately been a lot into cp, althought i try not do watch it and never ever downloaded anything
parents are really cool and i had a good upbringing
did suffer from bullying a lot when in school and i was always a loner, so i ended up spending a lot of time in the computer from an early age
>did suffer from bullying a lot when in school and i was always a loner, so i ended up spending a lot of time in the computer from an early age
I wasn't bullied at all but I can relate on being a loner and spending a lot of time on the PC since an early age.
I guess loneliness really does poison your mind.
Interesting thread OP. I feel a lot of this as well, but to a lesser degree. Then again, I am a straight girl (also a straight A student, doing a master's degree in STEM, ie. no one would expect it from me) so the expectations that others have of me make me suppress the strange thoughts I have.
I always had pretty good grades and now co own a real estate company (family business inherited from father) so it's a very social job, so keeping up appearances is a huge deal as well, which keeps me in line a lot on its own.
No one I know in real life even knows I browse 4chan to begin with, and I've been here since 2007. There's just so much I keep to myself.
you are not alone in this struggle
I was earmarked for a diagnosis since I was like 10, but they couldn't give one under they framework until someone reached 18
by then I knew shrinks were more curious about me than able to help in any way
talking to me was like professional development to them
well I still have so many questions myself, but I have learned
1. self control comes before all else, you don't do anything that gets your adrenaline up, don't take drugs, and if you do for the love of god don't take stimulants
2. for us all kinds of transgressions seem trivial, so you have to banish trivial transgressions as well, antisocials have a market tendancy to be polite and considerate, that's why.
3. you need to keep people around you, stay engaged with the community, make friends, have a normal girlfriend
constant feedback will keep you in check
4. your condition is a venerability, stay away from criminals, drug users, anyone connected to law enforcement in any way, stay away from psychologists, this is in your personal life especially
you will attract their attention and you really don't want it
I got a vasectomy as well, I'm not ashamed of who I am but I wouldn't wish it on my children
Ye if you have genuine regrets about what you did and understand why it was wrong to do it you are ok.
Men in general have quite bad emotional intelligence so is kind of natural if you feel lacking in that department.
I would say you must go speak to a cognitive therapist. If they try to give you drugs they are bad at there job.
I think you have some bad shit from early development that made you emotionally distant as self defence mechanism.
Sex doesn't have anything to do with this. There is a huge supressed anger source within yourself and I suggest you start taking care of it quickly before things get out of Hand.
Seeing you found CP appealing for a while, it's highly probable you've been molested as a kid and can't remember anymore. But your body and psych does, hence all these emotions of anger and violence.
As soon as you find out what happened to you, you'll immediately feel better and those feelings of wanting to hurt people will slowly fade away.
Btw. by no means this has ANYTHING to do with how frequent you get off and by no means this is ANYWHERE near normal behavior or habits.
>Oh and when I was 5 or 6 the neighbour who was also 5 or 6 kind of touched me inappropiately
This could be it, but i doubt its only this. try to remember more. There has to be something really fucked up...
nothing fucked up happened to me as a kid and I turned out like that
when I was doing therapy to try to encourage me to start less fight and stop setting things on fire they asked me if someone had sexually abused me all the time and I didn't get why
it's a steriotype
most of times your brain blocks the memories away. source: me
ADVICE for all of you who have these problems:
try remembering what was fucked up in your childhood. highly probable it's not only one incident, highly probable it's a variation of sexual or emotional abuse. or neglecting, or bullying. or some horrible horrible accident.
whatever it is remember.
think hard again and again. try remembering every detail of the shitty things that happened to you.
highly probable you'll feel like shit when doing so. highly probable you'll just feel like the little helpless kid you where back then.
but the more you do this, the more you realise it's the past and you are not that kid anymore. you are now an adult, not helpless anymore.
and with time those memories will be not so vivid anymore. they'll turn to normal memories. it'll feel like peacefully looking at a photo instead of living it again with all those feelings.
if you get to this point you'll gain inner peace and those thoughts of hurting people will fade away.
This worked for me.
Good luck to all those anons out there, i hope it helps you as well.
Extra tip: sharing your hurt feelings and those hurting memories with very very close family and friends help A LOT in this process.
There might be some statistical increase in your likelihood of doing those things, however you won't find yourself doing those things unless your moral code and empathy go away. Those things aren't known to evaporate under normal, healthy circumstances.
Thinking about things so negative all the time and then feeling guilty could be a sign of a problem. Maybe see a psychologist.
He listed a variety of trauma, not just the statistically unlikely early sexual abuse with some type of dissociative amnesia. He listed simple neglect and emotional abuse, which are both quite common.
Omg, I'm very sorry for you. In case you didn't know the relationship between mother and child is the most important one in a humans life. Its natural for you to be fucked up severally.
You needed protection and love. I hope you can overcome that huge betrayal of trust.
In case of abuse I don't quite know which advice is the best. In my case it was my father, I tried an hero several times when I was little.
Well all I can tell is, that the love of my mother kept me from doing so. Now I have my husband and own kids who fill my life with love and all I've left for him are no feelings at all. No anger no rage no regret and no pity (he can't see his grandchildren). It is as it is.
that's alright, lots of people had it worse I'm sure
but I still can't trust anyone and I sleep with one eye open
I tried to kill her when I was in third grade, spent weeks harvesting deadly nightshade and trying to refine some kind of paste with it
now that I think about it, it must have started pretty early
I was a terror even in kindergarten, used to open childproof locks with bits of wire, start fires with lighters I hid around, they said I was six years ahead of my peers academically.
I'm not really sure how to move on from that anger, it's a part of who I am now
That is not normal. Having those thoughts crossing your mind, yeah maybe, but those thoughts should terrify you. Having an actual desire to hurt others is a sign that's something is off with you.
Maybe you are psychotic. I'd suggest you to get some treatment anyway. Seriously, for your own and other's sake. If you are a moral person as you say, you get yourself checked. Psychosis can hit everyone of us and it isn't going to go away by ignoring it.
OP here, I don't know, the CP part wasn't too strange to me because I found it by accident back then and didn't know it was illegal until two years after I was watching it off and on.
p2p sharing sites like Limewire or kazaa made it so you could get CP pretty easily and me being 14/15 I thought it was natural I'd want to see girls my age and it wasn't hard at all too find. Maybe CP is too broad of a term, I never watched anything with girls under my own ages and such, until I was 17/19, which is when I found out it was illegal and how serious that shit actually was because it started being more widespread and more publicly talked about as a problem an so on.
It wasn't that I was going after CP of little kids or something, I guess there has to be a difference.
I have a pretty good memory and I know for sure I wasn't abused other than that situation with my neighbour. I do agree on emotional neglect and I'd add my brother, who was 6 years older than me, being an annoying little shit all through my childhood so it was also the equivalent of having a bully in the house.
>I'm 28 and I think of killing people kind of constantly, whenever I'm driving alone at night and I see a girl walking alone I have the impulse of pulling over and well, doing something bad.
>I also used to feel attracted to the idea of CP until I was 19
It's weird because the dog I have now I'm bffs with, I'd like to think I have it under control nowadays, the part about pets at least. I'm mostly afraid it's latent or something.
I was honestly expecting that would be the first reply, surprised thread lasted this long without a comment on its edginess.
>I'm not really sure how to move on from that anger, it's a part of who I am now
Don't give up anon. It's so worth it. Anger consumes so much energy, energy you'll have left to spend on so much more beautiful things.
OK then the CP thing is neglectable.
But what happened with your older brother and the neglecing parents seem to be your problem.
You were helpless against the abuse from your brother. And you had no protection even though you needed it so much. So the only way for you to get rid of all the hatred was to vent it on weaker beings hence the animal abuse.
How's your relationship with your parents and brother now?
You know there's a reason why your brother did treat you like that. He was venting on you, but do you know why?
It's fine for the most part, my brother can still have times when he gets violent and such, but mostly it's a neutral/good relationship. I work with my brother since the business is both ours and so on.
I overheard once he was abused by my neighbours older brothers when he was around 10 or so, but I'm not sure to what extent or any details. And I'm pretty sure they in turn had been abused by their father some time.
It's sad how it only takes one man abusing someone to propagate so much other abuse in turn.
Don't know if someone mentioned it, but those are Intrusive Thoughts, OP. Everyone has them, but for people like you and me, OCD makes it worse (i believe you have it). Much, much worse. I've even recently made a thread about it here. I have the exact same thoughts you have, except with the additional intrusive thoughts regarding fetishes i don't have, which triggers a series of reactions and vicious cycles that make me doubt myself.
Welcome to OCD.
Oh my god. That is one fucked up environment you grew up in. For your own sake and for the sake of your future children, please, PLEASE get the hell outta there as quickly as possible.
Make your plans, and start over anew. move away into a good neighbourhood. I don't tell you to break off contact, you can go visit from time to time but if you do ever have kids be very wary about them if you're there.
As soon as you get away and start anew, as soon as you cope with the past you'll be OK anon. You seem nice and I'm positive that you can be fixed.
Just please don't stay there anymore, or things could take a very wrong way. Having such thoughts is really not normal and one day there could be a too thin line between thinking and doing that shit....
>I overheard once he was abused by my neighbours older brothers when he was around 10 or so, but I'm not sure to what extent or any details.
And if you care about your brother and do have the energy left, try talking with your brother about this. It will be very hard and draining but I never said it'll be easy to fix yourself.
But there is a chance he'll open up to you and maybe, just maybe you can make his life turn so much better. Maybe he can let go of all the anger after all those years. Even if he can't do it right at the first time, maybe, step by step...
It's human nature to have "evil" thoughts occasionally. The difference is being able to recognize that you SHOULD NEVER ACT on those thoughts and being able to look at yourself subjectively. The people who can't do that are mentally ill, in which case, you need to seek help immediately before something bad happens to others or yourself.
The fact that you're actually worried about it, and considering seeking help means you're not crazy, you're just having impulsive, odd, defective thoughts. Concentrate on changing your mindset.
20 y/o here
I think about killing people alot also, I'm just waiting to own my own house.
How else can I wait for a body to slowly decompose before grinding the bones up.
I used to rescue ants out of my swimming pool, I like animals and stuff but I've always wanted to pull what Fritzl did.
>that's alright, lots of people had it worse I'm sure
Also even if lot's of people had it worse it doesn't mean it's all right.
You were born into this world with the right to be protected and loved unconditionally. That women, the most important in every humans life, stripped your rights away from you and betrayed a part of her very own blood and soul.
She didn't have the rights for this.
She didn't. If you decide to give birth, you lose the right to be free and do whatever you please.
Because now it's not about your own life anymore, it's about that tiny beings who needs your love and protection the rest of its life.
That women betrayed you and you didn't deserve this. No one does.
I am trying to cheat on my girlfriend with a hot redhead in my accounting class.
It feels good to be open about this with my friends.
I don't think there would be a problem killing, as long as I do it humanely.
I read alot of ethic and legal work, I believe in morals and everything but I had no parents growing up telling me what I can and can't do. So I do anything I want, like a wild animal.
Except I feel free from the sheeple, I can wait 10-20 years until I am an old person and have lived, so I don't lose much if caught.
I think OP torturing animals is fucked up though.
I know killing is wrong.
But I have the urge, maybe it will change in a few years.
It's not natural to live like this in society. But if I ever do the dirty I know I would have the feeling of wanting to be caught.
But I am afraid I won't be
I think my issue is I have no basis in reality. My morals shift constantly, I have no set opinion, you know?
Nothing is predictable or constant with me. I will have these rape and kill urges when I am alone but when I am in public it is very different.
Shit I don't know. But killing is human nature you swine.
It's not an extremely bad environment, I have my own place and never see that neighbour and all again and mostly that stuff was never talked about, we were friends growing up but always ignored it, don't know if he remembers it too or if he blocked it but yeah, with time I just stopped hanging out because we just did different stuff.
My brother became a father about 2 months ago and we're all pretty happy, and I don't know, becoming an uncle and seeing marriage is coming up makes me want to stamp this out once and for all if it's a problem. I don't think I could talk to my brother about it to be honest, and I'm sure just like me he just wants to leave that shit in the past where it belongs.
Nothing wrong with a tiny bit of edgy, I mean, if I was 18 or 20 or whatever and I was saying this I'd say it's normal teenage edginess and, but keeping at it at 28 is a bit more worrying to me.
Yeah, I think stoicism and philosophy helped me a lot to realise how shitty it is to think like this and how it just needs changing.
I know how you feel and maybe at 20 I felt a bit more like you do now, I was more edgy regarding it. The impulse is still there but having had more relationships with people in these years and such has dampened them a bit and yeah, what I've been saying through the thread. I don't want to have these thoughts, I know there's nothing to gain from it, and even if you do it, you'd just want to kill again and would never be satisfied, you know? There is no endgame other than getting caught and spending the rest of your life in jail or to kill yourself or to live with inmense, crushing guilt for the rest of your life knowing that deep down you're just a monster. It'd be a lot easier to just NOT want to kill.
I like meeting non-normies
Well, think of what you have to lose, I think about doing it on old age so I don't lose my whole life, maybe just 20 years as an old man.
Try going onto /lit/ and reading the greeks, get a sense of purpose and morality.
I don't want to be an outcast, I like making friends and stuff so I don't.
I'd say reading books on ethics was more of a parent to me. I was a real thug growing up but people treat me like a learned man and my lecturer respects my opinion.
I'm confused, I want to do bad stuff but I also know for now I don't have the push to do it and I love being innocent.
>Try going onto /lit/ and reading the greeks, get a sense of purpose and morality.
I know latin and ancient greek, had it at college, I studied real estate because I had planned on family business from the get go and since that was easy and short, as a side thing did philosophy. I've read a lot and I think that's what kept me from doing stupid shit through the years. Philosophy has been my saviour I think.
>leave that shit in the past where it belongs.
Well. It surely belongs to the past, but not unedited. You NEED to process this, or your or his anger will never subside. You have a very big problem and you know it. Also does your brother.
I showed you the way to handle this problem. I never said it'd be easy. Don't be too afraid and too lazy anon. For the sake of your niece/nephew and for the sake of your own future kids.
You need to step up and take out this problem. Or it'll haunt you for the rest of your life.
That's all I can say. Good luck for your future life anon.