I just found out my girlfriend was abused by her stepfather at a young age and that she was raped by 2 boys one of them being a family friend when she was 16.
Normally I would just run the fuck away as fast as I could but I feel a really special connection with her but I'm not sure if I can handle the pain from all this. I've never committed to a relationship before and the one time info all this shit happens.
On top of it her dad doesn't want us to date so we never see each other. Her dad has no clue what happened also I'm the only person she's told. We've only been dating a month and only hung out once or twice.
It's fucking with me how she can be my whole world but to the people who did that didn't even care about her feelings or anything whatsoever and they carelessly abused her. I don't have the mental faculties to deal with shit like this and our relationship is already strained badly enough. I just always thought she was this sweet little girl and to find out people could just ruin her like that.. I've been almost throwing up I've had surging pains in my heart I cried more than I've ever cried in my entire life. I cried so much I lost my voice and this is just not okay.
I used to stare at her pictures every night before bed and now I can't even look at them. I see the pain in her eyes and I just keep breaking down.
It sounds cheesy, but I think with how you reacted it sounds like you really like and care for this girl. She must trust you a lot to tell you this too. It hurts a lot, I know, because I've been in then same spot. If you stick around, prepare for a lot of emotional ups and downs (not from her but just yourself). It was worth it to stick around in my opinion though.
Thanks man I really do love her a lot but this is just an actual nightmare come true and usually I would just leave but but thinking about my life without her and her being with someone else kills
Me but the thought of staying kills me also
You may regret it for a long long time if you let her go, but the pain you feel about the past will dull over time. What I'm saying is don't give up a future with her because the past hurts. The past won't change but the future will get better.
If she wasn't traumatized it's already a good start.
My gf was raped when 14, attempting to kill herself, borderline and shit.. It was really hard for me. It is my current and first relationship, I had and still have no idea what I'm doing, and what the future will be. But I love her and for me this love is stronger than her past, her sadness, her irrational anger.
Also, your life is now. Not after, not before, fucking now. Fuck your mental interpretarion, fuck her past, fuck her dad. If you really want her, you have no excuses
> We've only been dating a month and only hung out once or twice.
>I just always thought she was this sweet little girl and to find out people could just ruin her like that..
Oi... you sound immature as fuck but here goes
You're being selfish and have completely the wrong mentality.
She's not ruined, she's not broken, she's just another human who had some bad shit in her past, like most of us do.
If she's got any issues, the truth is that they're hers to deal with and there's absolutely NOTHING you can do to help or "fix" her. The only thing you can do is just be in her life, and try to extend a little understanding and care--like you normally would if you knew absolutely none of this.
Don't make her out to be a victim, what she needs is to believe in herself and that she is regular person, defined by the choices and actions she takes in her life, not the events that she had no control over. She needs self-belief, not self-pity, and you obviously feeling sorry for her won't help with that.
Having loved two women who've been through similar/worse at different points in my life, it does take a certain maturity and frame of mind to be there and help someone get passed, but ultimately you need the strength to be there for them, but not coddle them (which is something I completely lacked the first time around). What you need to remember is that this is their business--not yours--and that they need to stand on their own two feet, but only ever when they're ready.
Best of luck.
Thank you for the response but just how the fuck do I stop thinking about it? I keep seeing it in my head and I'm worrying about every last detail of it and it's making me feel like shit I feel like both of us are always going to be victims and I feel like we're unimportant and don't matter because of all this. It keeps fucking with me how someone could be heartless enough to just not care about her to the point they would destroy her
This is where the maturity bit comes in.
You either learn to not see her as "ruined", "destroyed"--or whatever else other melodramatic, angsty terminology--or you don't and you need to grow the fuck up.
Could just be you're too immature at the point in your life to step away from the "me" factor.
As long as you victimize her in your head, she's going to see that and start to do that to her own self too.
I've probably got at least a decade on you and I can say that, that's the problem with being young. You think everything revolves around you and your little bubble--and that can push you to great things--but that also means everything feels fucking world ending and like the sky is constantly falling, when really, all that shit is the basic reality for everyone who's alive, and some even have it worse. This requires you to step outside of that.
Alright man I'm trying to push it out of my head for her but Jesus fucking Christ nothing has ever fucked with me this badly I'm just trying not to break down so that she doesn't get depressed too but holy fuck I've been crying for 2 days straight and I've never really even cried before
Welcone to love. Welcome to caring about abother person almost as much as you care about yourself. This is the downside: when they are hurt, you are hurt, even forward or backward in time. It's an entirely new way to hurt you.
But would you really trade it for something more distant but more comfortable? I don't think you would. The upsides far outweigh even this pain.
What you need to do is talk to someone about this. Get these feelings out where you can process them, and then let them go. Given the nature of what happened, a therapist or counselor would be best
I'd ordinarily say to talk to her, but this is her trauma, so ring theory applies. You're her sole confidant, and that puts you in the innernost ring, but she's still further in than you (because she's at the center). Support in, dump out: you need someone in a ring further out than you. So, like I said, a counselor or therapist. If you just need to vent, we may suffice, but you'd need to keep it strictly anonymous, and that limits our ability to help you.
Thanks man you're right about everything and i already knew that I think. I'm just worried I'll never get past it and as time goes on I'll find out more and more details that just destroy me. We already have a close to impossible relationship
Is it fact that only emotionally starved people "fall" in love like this? I mean, can't OP be emotional about this girl and not want to leave her? Maybe other women never attracted her ever before and he feels different about this one? Why does it have to be about how long you've been together for?