I don't like my boyfriend's personality anymore. I watched him interact with his co-workers and quite frankly I feel repelled by him. He's so cringing and I was a bit shocked to find out he's such a try hard.
We have been together for 3 years.
When we first met, he had 2 friends and was kind of a shut in but I fell in love with the humble person he was. He was considerate very honest, no matter who was around. They were.. to put it lightly.. a bit lost in life too, so he had no problem letting me meet them but they told me the same thing I heard everyone tell me about him "He is genuine" and I agreed, at the time.
He has a white collar job now and he's acting like a cock when he's with these people.
He does things and acts in ways he and I used to make fun of. He keeps me distant from his work colleagues, maybe because he knows I wouldn't really like them and maybe even because he can tell I get quiet because he is acting like a different person.
When we are alone it's ok but the persona leaks out here and there. When he drinks.... his office arrogance really comes out and I have often left early or made up excuses just to get away from him.
Should I end this? I feel like I don't know him anymore. I find him unbearable when he drinks, he is often impersonal and emotional intimacy feels dead.
It feels like he's struggling to balance his work persona and home persona.
Have you tried talking to him about this?
>I don't like how you act when you drink.
>You act like a different person around your work friends, and it's unattractive to me
These would be good places to start.
Give him a chance. Sometimes people need an outside opinion to keep them grounded, that's why the best relationships are like a "rock" that provides stability. He's caught up in the environment of his new job, he's trying to do well there and build a future, and he doesn't realize it comes off like he's trying too hard. Set him straight and see what happens. The way he reacts will determine whether the relationship is worth saving.
I know it's a cliche, but there's a reason everyone always says communication is the key to a good relationship. Give it a shot.
talk to him, you should have done it earlier I guess, and keep reminding him, because he may not notice it or forget some things
be sure that you are very nice about it though, nobody loves getting criticized for their behavior all day
but seriously give him another chance and wait it out
Seems like he knows and is trying to hide instead of not knowing. He can't keep doing it and with what you say there's some cracks already. Maybe try and talk to him but I doubt it will do anything.
I spoke to him about it and he just did what >>16889355 said. Now he just hides himself more.
He's not like he used to be. I know people change and all that... but this isn't the man I thought I'd end up with. I'm not wanting to be with a frat jock tier douche. I really want my sweetheart boyfriend back and unfortunately I don't think he can go back to being that. I feel like he's fake sometimes.
>I don't like my boyfriend's personality anymore
>We have been together for 3 years.
You can go on and on about how he has changed and what you want him to change back to and what you still like and what you dislike but the fact is you started a relationship, things changed, now its not working.
It happens all... the... time. Investing 3 years into something that turned out to be a flop is not a justification for investing even more time.
Like if you started a job and it was really great at first but after 3 years you dreaded coming into work everyday and absolutely hated it would you consider staying JUST because it was so great when you started?
>Should I end this?
I think you know the answer to that question.
Unless you feel like sticking around and waiting to see if he "changes back", but you don't seem like an idiot so I don't have to tell you how stupid that sounds.
I'm sorry your ship is sinking, and if you want to stick around and plugging your fingers in the holes waiting for things to right themselves again and go for it.
But I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you came here so we would convince you to break up with him.
You make up excuses just to get away from him, for fuck's sake. That's fucking awful.
You know what you have to do, so do it.
How old were you two when you first met? I'm guessing in your 20s where people are bound to change from year to year. Your BF just got confidence and learned to play the sick game that white collar work forces you to play. He wants to be respected at work and he's just doing whats necessary for that. I wouldn't expect you to understand though because as long as you look pretty people don't care and respect you by default for it. Men have to work at it and put on a face sometimes and that's something women will never understand.
As long as he's himself when he's with you that is, from >>16889605 and what you say in OP here:
>> I find him unbearable when he drinks, he is often impersonal and emotional intimacy feels dead.
It sounds like you've already checked out of the relationship and are looking for some new dick you can control so just break it off instead of prolonging the suffering for both of you.
I guess I was looking for convincing or confirmation that I should break up.
I'm not into white collar jerks and wish him the best and what's right for his life, but this is not right for me.
Acting like a frat boy is not my idea of a guy fit for long term relationship.
In a few years when you see the money he's making you'll want him back, but he'll have a younger girlfriend.
I will always make more money than him. The highest paying position at his job is only 70k unless he's the ceo. And I know that in 4 years, the business he works for is going offshore.
I was earning that when we first met and I make more now. Don't speak about money, it's embarrassing that you actually think it's an incentive for ANY woman with half a fucking brain lol
If he gets a younger girlfriend then good for him, I only wish him happiness.
>it's embarrassing that you actually think it's an incentive for ANY woman with half a fucking brain lol
>50 Shades of Grey
Connection: Rich, successful handsome man who falls in love with the woman.
Yeah. It is a massive incentive.
Not that poster, I'm not going to give you shit, but just pointing that out.
Why do I even bother coming to /adv/? The only threads that get created asking for advice just get a salty OP throwing tantrums because it wasn't the exact answer they wanted to hear/expected.
I don't have any major expectations but a genuine guy is something that always catches my eye.
Did you really connect Hollywood to real life? Should we believe in Disney too?..
There is no tantrum anon, I have not been offended with anything apart from assuming a pay check would rock my values or what I look for in a long term partner.
>Did you really connect Hollywood to real life? Should we believe in Disney too?
Is there some sort of point you're making here, or are you trying to sidestep it? If you think a man being rich and successful ISN'T attractive to females, just get off this board. Seriously. You're nowhere near as smart as you claim to be.
Besides periods and social niceties, what do women have to worry about if they're born average looking that might threaten their livelihood? Most of them have a support network that will do almost everything for them in some way be it family, friends or potential mates.
Don't give me the rape arguement or domestic violence thing either.
>but a genuine guy is something that always catches my eye.
What does this even mean though? You say you're unhappy with the man your BF has become. Nobody stays the exact same throughout their entire life..I mean are you saying core values here? Like what they find morally and ethically right?
or is it just humility? kindness? empathy and compassion? Those things are usually beaten out of most guys so they don't look weak or passive and most women seem to hate that in a man. At least from the get go. I think what you want is a doormat or someone who you see as lesser than yourself to take care of. A project or something. Feel free to explain and correct me if I'm wrong.
OP said they used to make fun of people that had the personality he now has, and he acts differently in front of her. That's what being disingenuous is.
I can't stand hypocritical and non genuine people either. They are just inherently more difficult to trust.
Women fucking try to kill eachother senpai haven't you seen a cat fight on whirlstar.
Men will exchange blows until one falls over and call it a day.
Women will go for the neck and eyes with nails and sharp objects.
>Those things are usually beaten out of most guys so they don't look weak or passive and most women seem to hate that in a man. At least from the get go.
You know what sounds worse than looking weak or passive? Playing the victim just to have a whinge. Stop it, cause it's just all based on your own assumptions and failures.
I'm male by the way, and ashamed to see you try and represent our gender.
I don't know what you're on about and I'm just speaking from what I witness day to day. Go and look at /r9k/ or half of the threads on /adv/ and tell me these things aren't true. We are punished and put down for having emotions and genuine empathy from an early age and its commonplace. I'm not here to play victim or speak from things I haven't experienced, I'm here to genuinely help someone. Demonstrating a few of the things I mentioned in that sentence that seems to have touched a nerve with you.
In case you're just trolling here's your reply. 7/10.
He clearly has a malleable personality then. A product of his environment.
>>When we first met, he had 2 friends and was kind of a shut in but I fell in love with the humble person he was. He was considerate very honest, no matter who was around. They were.. to put it lightly.. a bit lost in life too
and then we have..
>>He has a white collar job now and he's acting like a cock when he's with these people.
>>He does things and acts in ways he and I used to make fun of. He keeps me distant from his work colleagues, maybe because he knows I wouldn't really like them and maybe even because he can tell I get quiet because he is acting like a different person.
Just proves he wants to blend in and he does genuinely try to shield OP from that. Maybe he's not happy with it either and would like to keep work and personal life separate like most people. Or maybe..
>> When he drinks.... his office arrogance really comes out
He's really stressed out since he's clearly aware what its doing to him. Maybe its who he really is? Who's to say. OP is the one that dated him for 3 years. Was he ever like this when they were drunk before one can only wonder.
>I'm just speaking from what I witness day to day.
What you see is largely based on just your perspective, on what you want to see to have things make sense to you, so you don't have to take a route in life that may seemingly be more difficult.
I know cause I was like that. I used to think things were skewed against me for whatever reason But.. I know women who have asked out guys because they fell for them when they revealed their emotions and weaknesses. The last few women who fell for me, did so more and more as I revealed sadness from my past and how it's fucked me up mentally. People.. real genuine people, like to see honesty and transparency and humanity within others. People who don't like to see those things are shallow and superficial, and lack personality.
If you believe some 'force' from traditional society is making it happen then you'll just be overpowered by it.
>Go and look at /r9k/ or half of the threads on /adv/ and tell me these things aren't true.
Far from an accurate representation of anything except the immaturity, insecurity and inability of those people to look at life objectively. Mostly just a bunch of people who lack real life social skills.This includes femanons that I see make stupid cringworthy posts too..
How many people who post here don't actually know what type of person they want to be with, or how to identify that person, or even who they themselves are?
You think these people are able to give an accurate glimpse of what society and social gender dynamics are actually like?
Sure, there might be some situations in life that favor women, but there are other situations that favor men. And not everyone favors the same things anyway.
I know this whole feminazi thing is kinda fucked up, but please don't respond to it by using gender as an excuse for why you can't do something.
>In case you're just trolling here's your reply.
Not trolling and I apologise for coming across as rude.
Above average.. nice.. :)
Maybe he doesn't know how to bring it up or talk about it properly and when OP decided to she didn't do it in a way that made him feel comfortable speaking with her about it. Could've felt attacked. I don't know only OP does.
I know most of what you say is correct and I have a lot of trouble maintaning the balance between naivete reality and the extreme negativity of the internet. I guess I've been spending too much time here. How did you manage to get out of it if you don't mind my asking? I guess I've just met a lot of shitty women and people in general.
I'm not saying we can't or shouldn't be empathetic and compassionate people and I'm sorry if it came off that way. I'd love for the opposite to be commonplace and try to spread that around instead of being negative but its tough sometimes.
Man... I'd be the happiest person in the world if women felt more comfortable about asking men out, so I still have ideas of this imbalance as well.
I get where you are coming from.
How did I overcome it? A mixture of things.
Read a few chapters of a book on Buddhism regarding our negative/positive perceptions and energy flow. I knew I was making people around me miserable too.
Whenever I was feeling shitty about something trivial I'd try to put a positive spin on it. Or when I felt bad about something out of my control, I gave myself control and decided to take something good from it. When I write a post or reply to something online.. I stop before I click send and think about whether I'm releasing good or bad energy into the world. They are just simple things to change minor habits. But it makes a big difference. I stopped watching TV as well. The news is just bad man..
In regards to women.. I think my solution has become to flip the entire implied gender imbalance thing on its head.
All those classic female lines like 'I'm not a piece of meat' and 'I'm saving myself for someone special' and 'I find emotion a turn on' - are things that I actually feel. I've turned down sex more times in the last year than I've had it. Simply because I didn't think I'd be able to emotionally invest in that woman.
ie. It was really hard for me to get laid so I found a valid and meaningful reason for why I shouldn't be trying to get laid. I turned the problem into the solution.
Sorry for rambling and derailing OP's thread.
To put it back on track, find out what you want in life and stick to it. Don't be a phony by giving in to what others expect of you, when really you want something else.
What's genuine to you?
A loyal honest guy that has a heart of gold? Sound like a pansy but to each either own.
Then get to it find shit lady what's the problem you got cash and two fucken legs to spread get to it.