Wife pretty much refuses to help out at all around the house. She has no job and won't look, and does no cleaning. She has depression and I get that, but I feel like I've been patient enough and have only been rewarded with having to work full-time and then come home to clean up after someone who is messy and not cleaning up after themselves. The most she'll do is take out the trash occasionally, if I harass her into doing it. At that point, it would be less effort to take the 5 minutes myself, so she's not really contributing at all. She's very stubborn, and I'm not okay with living life like this.
Told her I was overwhelmed and that I can't do everything for two. I told her to do the dishes, and they are all sitting there, days later. I don't think she's going to do them. I'm imagining I need to get a marriage counselor in on this to have a third party help here. Seeing as she's been going to bed silently the last few nights right after dinner, and I'm sleeping on the couch, the weekend seems like it might be kind of awkward. I'll have to suggest counseling at some point, which will make it more awkward.
What do I do for the weekend, /adv/? Spend lots of time out of the house? Seclude myself the whole time? Honestly I just want her to go stay with her mom, so I can clean up this pigsty and be alone in a clean house. I don't know what to do about it, though. She'll cry if I tell her to leave me alone for a week, and once she starts crying, the conversation is over and the conclusion is not clear.
Help me out, /adv/, I'm not sure how to move forward here.
She has a diagnosis and takes meds. But I feel like she's also using it as an excuse, particularly when I try to make her help. I consider myself understanding, but having depression doesn't mean that you get free rent and a maid.
Either way, my main question is what I should do for the next couple days since I'm not at work, so I'm not gone most of the day.
She's never really done her fair share, but the past month and couple weeks I've reached my limit. Things need to get done, but I spend my time at work knowing that the things I can't do have a 98% chance of not getting done because I asked her to do them. Something needs to be done by noon? Going to spend 8-12 worrying that it won't get done, and then 12-5 dreading going home and hearing "I forgot." Maybe she does it if it's real important, maybe she doesn't.
Can tell this is putting a strain on you, but do you honestly love and care for this woman? If that is the case, you need to start by reminding her that she isn't alone and that even in this state you love her and want to see her get better. Don't avoid her, follow her to bed, cuddle with her and tell her that you love her, and certainly don't push her away.
At some point you will have to push again to get her to start doing stuff around the house. Let her know it's just as much for her own benefit as it is for your relationship. Actually participating in housekeeping, as mundane an activity as it is, will be a help in getting her out of the rut she has put herself in. Tell her you need her help with this and reward her with something afterward (her favorite meal, seeing a movie that interests her, etc)
If you literally can't get her to do anything then it's likely she needs personal therapy before you can work on bringing your marriage to a place that makes you happy, but if you really care about her than you will take the time till she can get better. Remember that all of this should be coming from a place of compassion and you need to communicate that to her.
Best of luck
I suspect you are simply enabling her at this point. You need to either stop doing it or come to accept the situation.
>I'm sleeping on the couch
>She'll cry if I tell her to leave me alone for a week, and once she starts crying, the conversation is over and the conclusion is not clear.
Don't do a conversation. There's nothing to discuss. Make your decision and live with it.
I'm on the same boat as you, Ive been with the wife for 6 years now and it has never changed. Recently we had our second child in January and a week later she told me she had slept with someone around the time I would of gotten her pregnant. Her excuse was that I was telling her all the stuff you doesn't do, the house is always a mess. She would let the kids do anything they want. Food all over the floor. Dirty dishes, dirty cooking ware. We were supposed to have marriage counseling this coming Monday but I canceled it because I'm gonna go see my attorney and start the divorce. I don't know what to tell you man but from experience if it doesn't change after talking about it it will NEVER get better. Stay strong. I've been working over Time so I'm not at home... Today I woke up at 4pm with my son playing on his tablet next to me. I work overnight and it seem like I haven't seen him this whole week.
First thing to do is stop enabling her behaviour. Depression is a condition not an excuse.
Over these few days I would be pressuring her to get up and help you. Yes there'll be tears, don't lose your resolve and make her realise this is an issue that could end your relationship.
It you handle it well you should make up with some amazingly bonding sex, but even so, if she reverts keep up the pressure.
If she doesn't make any attempt to help then tell her either she goes for a few days or you do. Make sure it's a signal its the beginning of the end.
If she's great in bed then keep enjoying that in case she's trying to buy you off with sex but at some point you've gotta bring it to an end. One way or another.
I've had relationships with depressed people, it sucks the life outta you too. These days my recommendation is run a mile away from them. It's not worth ruining your life for them as they just keep sucking up everything you've got and never change.
I don't know. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership, and you're supposed to improve each other. But there is no partnership; I have to make sure things happen or else they won't happen. She doesn't improve me. I'm just unhappy all the time at this point, and I feel like I got married too soon.
I did try positive reinforcement and making it about what's good for her. I really did. I have it an honest try, repeatedly, and did my best with those attempts. I tried that for a long time, and then I tried making it less about "you need it" and told her that I need it because I need help. I did everything I think I could, and at this point I'm upset that I even had to do that. The amount of effort I put into this, and I got the trash taken out a couple times. That's not a partnership, and after 2 years it doesn't seem like it ever will be.
She was, but I'd say I kind of ignored it a bit.. We were both living at home and going to school. I wasn't the best at helping out around the house, so I guess that played a part in not thinking about it too much. I joined the military and we got married when the choice came down to "long term relationship" or "get married", and I know long distance relationships rarely work out. After getting married was the first time we lived together, so I guess I didn't realize the extent of how little she did around the house. Thinking about it, the signs were there.
I guess I'll hang out secluded. I have some errands to run, so maybe I'll be slow about it to have some alone time.
Correct, my second child might not be mine. I'm keeping it together because I'm not gonna let this destroy me in any way. I just don't understand how me telling her to do her share at home is an excuse to do that. I'm a clean person and I know when you have kids you need to keep the place clean for them to avoid accidents. She never really tried and would just give up. It was the last straw.
I think she's onto Facebook and every internet dating site out there as soon as he's left for work.
This doesn't mean she's fucking around, it does mean she's an attention whore who winds up mentally and emotionally exhausted every day from her online activities.
She may be depressed but she acts out in the excitement of an online world instead of the real one. Look at any basement dwelling NEET or weeabo and how they live with their mom doing everything.
I think it is, but I couldn't get her to do anything. I considered that and did my best to get her out and doing things. Even at least being up and clothed, rather than being in pajamas all day. More likely to do stuff if you're already dressed and can walk out the door. Didn't really work, though.
I just didn't want to sleep next to her and she was already in bed. You ever have those moments where you remember something someone did to wrong you, and you're angry about it again? Easier to just sleep alone on the couch and not be up as late with angry thoughts.
I've done the pressuring to get her to help me. It's a lot of work, and she's slow at it all. After all is said and done, she'll have done a small amount of work, I'll have cleaned most of the house, and she'll sit on the couch and be super stubborn. Once the week rolls around and I'm at work, she won't clean while I'm not there to make her. A ton of work for little results, and those little results only come about if I'm there to make it happen. I'm not okay with that setup. It's not fair to me.
Have you tried calling her mom? Maybe call her mom, explain things, see if you can get your mom to invite her over for the weekend under some other pretence.
Jed's and diagnoses isn't enoug. She needs therapy, and if she isn't willing to TRY to get better she never will. Tell her yOu NEED her to get better. Your relationship is only going one way right now. She has to fight for it too. One person can only put up a fight for so long.
(I am >>16877585 btw)
Sorry to hear that you have tried approaching this in a lot of ways and havent gotten much out of it. I think you should not quickly dismiss the love angle and how this is healthy for the love between you. I also think therapy is a good idea for anyone in this state. If she isn't in therapy get her to try it and give her a little time to adjust and try again.
If it doesn't work a second time or she is in therapy and your attempt at showing her the love in your relationship still yields nothing, its time to motivate her by saying that despite your love for her, her apathy is hurting your relationship and that you refuse to enable it. Tell her that if she doesn't at least start taking baby steps in the right direction that you will in fact need counseling or some time apart.
I haven't. It's something that crossed my mind, but it's not a very appealing option. Part of me avoids doing it because I don't think her mom would be of help. Part of me avoids doing it because it has immediate and real consequences. I don't know. I don't feel like I should have to do all the work here. If I have to do this much for her, how could I ever have kids? I can't live like this and then also have kids who have their needs as well. Part of me wants to close this chapter in my life, and start a new one where I'm not going to be a single horse pulling a cart meant for two horses, with the other horse also in the cart. What kind of life is that?
>and if she isn't willing to TRY to get better she never will. Tell her yOu NEED her to get better.
I've tried telling her my needs. I told her weeks ago that it's not that I WANT her to help so I have less to do, but that I NEED her to help, because I can't handle it all on my own.
Toxic situations can be fixed with a shake-up. She needs to be reminded that she has something (you) that can still be lost. "Take a break" from her; find somewhere else to crash for a few weeks, talk about divorce, and if she doesn't change then you're already prepared to end it.
the other option of course, is just end it without the opportunity to change.
This is where part of my mental block is. I feel like I've given her lots of time to change, and lots of opportunities. I definitely haven't been unclear with what I need. The only thing I haven't done is the part where it's explicit that I need her to do more or divorce is an option. Divorce is the part I haven't come out and said, because once you say it, it's like an ultimatum. I don't want to say "clean or we're getting divorced." I've already said everything else, and I don't want a relationship that continues because "if you don't I want a divorce." It's not healthy, and that shouldn't be what spurs her to action. She should do it because I'm clearly suffering here due to her lack of effort, not because I'm leaving otherwise.
But at the same time, I feel like it's expected that I go through that channel and give her the "official" chance. I'm not sure I want to, and that makes me unsure of how to proceed. I feel like I gave her every opportunity, except one following "or else divorce" so I want to be done because I don't think that's a stable relationship. All the while, I won't have kids because I feel like I'd be stuck if kids came into the picture, and I can't be stuck like this my whole life. I don't want to say I don't want to give her a chance to fix it, just that I know it's not going to be a permanent fix if it even happens a little bit. I've be back here in 2 years max, hopefully without a kid binding me.
Thanks for that. I'll keep it in my mind if people give me crap about it.
You sound like you are thinking of giving it one last try, which is great. In all honesty, I think you need to pressure her to get a job. Even just a part time one. It will help her feel like she's contributing to society, raise her self-worth, and give her a reason to get up.
To be honest, I fell into a depression like this when I was jobless. Fortunately my boyfriend stuck around. I still have days like that, usually on my days off. But overall I am doing so much better. I now work full time, do all the laundry and other misc. chores.
If she didn't behave like this while in school, it could be because she doesn't do anything all day. You could even start by just taking her out to run some errands. She will appreciate the time with you and help her get going. There's still hope, but something HAS to change.
Perhaps instead of bringing out "or else I want a divorce" just express your concerns about not being happy in the relationship as a whole anymore. If you want to keep trying, let her know that. Tell her you want to grow with her, but she needs to help with that. Let her know it is not acceptable for things to stay this way.
That's just the thing, I did that. I have taken it all the way up the molecule directly adjacent to the divorce word. I've told her I'm not happy, I told her I can't live my whole life under these circumstances, that I can't keep doing this, that I'm mentally worn out and need help, that it's not okay for me to do the work of two,etc. When I told her this the other night, she just said "k" after I asked her if she had any comments, as she was silent and was laying in bed and didn't look at me, instead keeping her eyes on her phone. I then asked if she was going to help out (because 'k' doesn't tell me much), and she said "I don't know." I told her it's not okay for me to tell her that I can't do it and that I need help, and her to say she doesn't know if she'll help.
I truly have done everything else.
I don't know if I am. I think my main thoughts at this point are "how can I get this divorce ball rolling without taking up more years of my life for something that isn't going to work?" After I'm done with the military I plan to go to college, and I've been doing my best to save up money so I don't have financial issues during that time. If she ends up getting a good chunk of my savings in a divorce, I'd rather have time to recover, and not let any funny business occur like her deciding "oh well since we're getting divorced, I'm going to live at my mom's house and eat out every night with money from the joint account!"
Yea, it seemed like a pretty big "fuck you" to me. I don't think she's involved with anyone, though. It's more likely that she's telling her mom about what's going on and her mom is supporting her or something, so she feels justified in her behavior and stubbornness.