I don't know where to go for answers. I'm in my first relationship and it's been 3 months. She's 18 and works full time and I'm a student. We live pretty far apart and only see one another once a week or so.
She only hangs out with guys because she's quite guyish (competitive gamer) which I understand. She doesn't tell me anything other than "I was hanging out with a friend" I don't want to come off as jealous or controlling but where the fuck do I draw the line? I'd like to know what you guys would do.
The problem: She doesn't communicate with me much about what she does; like I'm not a big part of her life. She doesn't tell these guys she has a boyfriend, I don't think. And I hear her talking to this guy who's clearly hitting on her, inviting her to his house (which she refused) but then to karaoke which she said yes to, and said "You'll have to get me drunk before I sing". Is this too much? Should I tell her that I have a few boundaries/concerns?
I don't know if she was serious about what she said to him or if she would actually go to karaoke with him because of the context but if she tells me she wasn't I'll believe he. I know she's honest. Her only other relationship lasted 2 years and she was faithful but it's clear she's becoming more exploring.
You are not compatible with this girl. You're more invested into the relationship than she is, and you're also someone that doesn't like your girlfriend hanging around other males constantly (like most males), whereas she thrives on the attention
She might be cute, you might have fun with her, but being compatible for a relationship is something else. Additionally, she enjoys the attention she receives.
Basically put, she's not girlfriend material. So you either need to pull out and not be invested into her to the point where you couldn't care if she fucks someone else so long as you you get yours, or break up.
>she enjoys the attention she receives.
I feel like this may be more due to insecurity. She's not a very outgoing person either. Couldn't this be something to do with immaturity and not knowing what's right or wrong? I know she would hate it if I did these things.
>I feel like this may be more due to insecurity
It's nothing to do with insecurity. Everyone likes receiving attention. She just doesn't care enough about the relationship to give it up. A lot of young girls don't.
She's 18 years old, she games, hangs around males, wants to go out drinking with males, while having a boyfriend. And rightly put, if you call her on it, she'll put it down to controlling/jealous behaviour, because she's not interest in a serious relationship. So your best bet is to call it off. Because you sound like someone that does want a proper relationship. You won't get one from her.
What you're saying makes sense. Then, in that case, do you think it makes sense to give it time while I'm also not invested in the relationship while I go out with other girls etc until she does want to settle down? Because I'm sure she's an honest person and she has expressed that she's serious about me and only wants me etc. But is it possible to be serious while doing this shit? If we do decide to stay together while she does this stuff, should I trust her not to cheat?
>Because I'm sure she's an honest person and she has expressed that she's serious about me and only wants me etc
What she says, and what she does are two different things. Words are wind. If she was serious about you, she would make more effort to see you more than once a week. She wouldn't be as vague when talking about what she was doing. She would be talking about you, not hiding you away. She wouldn't be talking to males or going out to drink with them if they were interested. These are not the signs of someone who is serious about someone.
This is her saying stuff to keep you roped in.
Even if she were serious, which shes not, ask yourself is that the sort of relationship you want? Someone who you hardly see, who hides you, who will go out drinking with guys who hit on her? She's actively talking about her buying him drinks fucksake, "you'll have to get me drunk before I sing." If I was that guy (and have been) I would pretty much know that this is setting up to fuck. Especially for girls around age 18.
This isn't a girlfriend. You just need to break up with her. It's red signs everywhere
I think I'll talk to her tomorrow...after sex, if I can manage that. I'll see what happens. Are you absolutely certain I would have to ask her to change and stop this stuff for this to actually work? If she's willing to stop clearly she's serious. If not, should I call it off?
NO rules and no boundaries. You can't force someone to be serious about you. If you have to set rules and boundaries to the extent at which you'd have to, you're setting yourself up to get fucked over. It needs to come from them willingly. Yours is a relationship by title only, and one she's not interested in.
Look, it's your life. I can already tell what you're going to do. You're going to try and have a talk with her. If that's what you want to do, do it, but I can already tell you, she'll either kick up about controlling/jealousy issues, or she'll agree, but do these things anyway, but just hide them from you. Like I said above, you can't force someone to be serious about you and if you have to, it means you're setting yourself up to get fucked. Good luck.
Why jump to such beliefs so quickly? I want to bring this up to her in a way where I say "I see you're not serious and I can't be with someone like that" and what if she says "okay you're right ill stop this stuff"? Why does it instantly mean she'll do it behind my back? I remember her feeling guilty about hanging out with a guy after I told her that I was gonna hang out with a girl and she got really jealous. Also why do you think there is no potential for her to get serious or become serious?
I'm not getting defensive. I just want a conversation with input because I clearly can't just take your word instantly and act. I've done that once on 4chan and it fucked me over. I just want to hear your reasoning.
> I want to bring this up to her in a way where I say "I see you're not serious and I can't be with someone like that" and what if she says "okay you're right ill stop this stuff"?
Because no girl suddenly stops that stuff just because you ask. They are either on board to begin with, in that they are serious about building a relationship with you or they do it out in the open, then hide it if you complain about it. You don't change someones personality with a few words.
>Also why do you think there is no potential for her to get serious or become serious?
Because she's going drinking with a guy that's hitting on her, making a reason for him to get her drunk. What sort of girlfriend does this shit 3 months into a relationship? Nay, what sort of girlfriend in general goes drinking with a guy who's hitting on her?
This isn't about being serious. You shouldn't need to tell a girlfriend there's a boundary for that. It's a given. And if you have to tell her that, I'm telling you, you're setting yourself up for a fail relationship. People don't just stop that shit just because you said a few words to them.
Look. I gave you my advice. We both know what you're going to do. I'm not sure why you came here for advice, your mind is made up on trying to resolve it through discussion.
She just isn't a mesh for the type of relationship you want, and there's no way for me to explain that to you.
>hey are either on board to begin with
Well at the start she was. She broke up with me because I had Tinder despite not doing anything on it. After we got back together she's been a bit weirder despite still talking like this.
>Because she's going drinking with a guy that's hitting on her
I'm genuinely not sure she was serious about that because he did say "some other time". After that she started rejecting all of his niceness like saying he'll bring her food at work, she should come over so he can cook for her and other stuff.
My mind is not made up believe me. I'm having the talk with her tomorrow and I'm very ready to end it if she doesn't say certain things that will convince me. If I see that she's just saying stuff that'll make me believe she'll change but won't actually, and I, know what she would say if that was the case, then yes I will end it. She would have to say something that entails serious instant action and if she can't do it, and I don't see I won't stay
Before making this thread I was hardly going to say anything to her. Believe me, I was not expecting to hear something like this. Everything I read on the internet was saying stuff like let her do what she wants etc. This changed my mindset entirely.
>I'm genuinely not sure she was serious about that because he did say "some other time".
He said some other time. If this was an actual girlfriend, it wouldn't be his decision, nor would she be egging him on "joke" or not. Emphasis on joke, because it will be called a joke if called on it, the same way calling someone fat is a "joke" if the person kicks up shit about it.
>My mind is not made up believe me.
Your mind is made up. Here's how:
>I'm having the talk with her tomorrow and I'm very ready to end it if she doesn't say certain things that will convince me
It doesn't cross your mind that people lie to hold onto things? People lie about shit all the time. You give too much weight on words. Judge people by their actions. Her actions aren't gf material. Going out drinking, or even talking/flirting with another guy about going out drinking while having a boyfriend crosses the red flag line so profoundly it shouldn't even need to be pointed out, but here I am needing to point it out to you. You think you can fix this attitude by words.
You should be deciding tonight whether you want a relationship like this, or calling it tomorrow. Talking will amount to nothing, because she's already roped you in by saying she's serious about you, while talking about getting drunk with chad at the same time. This shows that her words are just said for what you want to hear, and that's what she'll do tomorrow. Say what you want to hear.
I just broke up with her. I had a nice talk and then at the end while saying goodbye she tried to hold on and that was it. Thank you anon. I don't know if you just fucked me up and took someone beautiful away from me who holds my viriginity, but you sure as fuck just lifted a lot of stress from my shoulders. This fucking hurts. I wanted her so badly.
> I had a nice talk and then at the end while saying goodbye she tried to hold on and that was it.
What did you talk about? What do you mean she tried to hold on?
>I don't know if you just fucked me up
No, I honestly didn't. Look, your entire first post was full of red flags. There are some people that no amount of talking will make things right. It's clear you want a relationship, but there's a difference between having a relationship that's bad and one thats good. Yours was bad. I think Think about all the things you would need her to stop doing. Did that sound like someone you are compatible with? It sounded more like you would need to co-erce her into these things, rather than her just do them. Being in a relationship where you have to constantly call someone on the shit they do is just exhausting. Mentally exhausting and in the end you end up feeling shit about yourself, because for most other people this shit happens naturally while for you, you constantly would have to enforce it. Trust me, you do not want that sort of relationship.
She sounds like me and i could see it being common among the gamer girl type (as if such an over-generalization could be made). I keep my life pretty compartmentalized. I have a social life with friends at work and I have my personal hobbies and i might have a relationship and i have my old friends and i might have this other friend there who i know through this thing and i have my deepest thoughts and all these people and parts of my life are separate and integrate slowly if at all even though they're all important to me. But integrating them is stressful and feels unnatural to me a lot of the time. It generally happens gradually to a degree but I definitely don't volunteer it.
>What she says, and what she does are two different things.
This. OP, if you're going to take anything from this post take the first line as a rule of thumb:
Judge people for what they do, not what they say.
You're absolutely right but I feel like this all started happening after we realized we didn't share same beliefs about life. At the start it was great. She lost interest and just stayed cause she got used to me. Fuck this is so dumb.
>What did you talk about?
Everything we did. How she's not serious. She said she's not going to change habits straight up without me even suggesting it. How what she does shows that it's bs. She started saying shit like "Well yeah you agreed to this." which was true but what I said was also true: "You later on said to forget that shit and actually wanted to be serious" and she responded with "yeah well I wanted to try..I want to give it time" Which is clearly nonsensical. Because, and I said this, she doesn't show that she's trying at ALL.
That's such a dumb lessez faire attitude. It's fucking hurtful. How long would I have to stick with that for? Would the payoff in the end be immense love, more than I can handle?
>But integrating them is stressful and feels unnatural to me a lot of the time. It generally happens gradually to a degree but I definitely don't volunteer it.
Doesn't seem like that with her. She was fucking all over me at the start. There are more reasons I'm sure show contrary, but my brain right now will only find reasons as to how you're right.
To add, she wouldn't make me a priority when I was before, she wouldn't do a lot of things with me like she would before. She would throw me to the back of the bus and say "you need to give me my space too" When before it wasn't a problem DESPITE only seeing her once or twice a week now when before it was a lot more. She wouldn't make plans with friends before me.
For that, she made the excuse "Well, yeah, I guess I went back to normal" Bullshit. That's not normal in a relationship. If you love someone and truly want something with them, why would you go back to "normal"- normal being the life you were living as a single girl? Fuck this is ridiculous. I'm so bitter and venting at that.
Chill. Look, first relationship. Consider it a learning experience. You know what to look out for in the future. You want someone more committed in a relationship. So, if you get with someone who doesn't make time to see you or who spends time with guys, don't bottle it up or talk about it, end it and find someone else. You now know what to avoid.
Yeah I realize that too. It's not hard to not think about her, at least for now, but holy Christ, my mind keeps drifting back to "She only wanted you. She wasn't going to cheat, that was obvious." Which makes me think "Then why would you end it" But I know that it doesn't matter if she only wanted me and wasn't going to cheat yet it still makes me feel like that was a good enough reason to stay.
My mind thinks "Oh, I hope she comes back one day saying I've realized everything I've done wrong and I'm ready to try this again with you in the right way." Although I know it won't happen and I won't entertain that thought. I don't think it will take long to get over this yet I know I'll always want her back, even if she comes back after fucking her fill of guys.
>My mind thinks "Oh, I hope she comes back one day saying I've realized everything I've done wrong and I'm ready to try this again with you in the right way."
I think everyone who has been dumped at some point thinks this. I urge you not to, because it makes it mire difficult to mive on. I must say that you're taking it pretty well, good for you OP. I wish I was as calm and collected as you are when I broke up with my ex.
You're already doing better than me, I'm happy for you my friend.
>I wish I was as calm and collected as you are when I broke up with my ex.
>You're already doing better than me, I'm happy for you my friend.
That makes me feel a lot better, thank you. I had problems with liking her at the start so much so that I almost broke up with her because I felt bad for leading her on when I didn't like her much. I gave it time and look what happened. Tables completely turned. It makes me so much more salty. I feel like I lost when I think of how something I wanted failed so badly when at the start it was her running after me and not vice versa and the fact of it being due to a subject that we didn't share views on, one that I dismissed and said I'll work by while she just lost interest in me because of it makes me so damn angry.