I've been going through some old facebook posts on my timeline and reading old messages and conversations I've had on there. A lot of this stuff dates back to over five years ago and it really surprises me. I've tried so hard to change myself, to 'develop' and to become a 'better person' but I'm exactly the same person I was five years ago. Sure i've gone through a lot of stuff since then and I feel different in how I relate to myself but actually what I'm reading and seeing proves otherwise.
I always thought I needed fixing because I was weird. And it's true. I did some cringey things that I'm not proud of. There were a lot of people in my life that left me behind and went off to do their own thing. I thought it was because there was something wrong with me. But the more evidence I see the more I sort of realize that was only a small fraction of the reason. I wasn't compatible with a lot of the people I liked.
I've always had this feeling of feeling lost like I didn't know how to fit into situations or fit into groups. And I always came off weird because I would get stuck in my head with my thoughts. I would constantly fixate on situations that could/might/would happen. It would drive me insane. This caused a mismatch between how I was acting and who I thought I was on the inside.
Is it possible I could have some light level autism?
I mean, as long as there is no definitive, physiological test for autism like physical conditions, anyone COULD have autism. Maybe you just chose the wrong friends. Are there people you are compatible with? What are they like?
Yeah it pisses a lot of people off because I have trouble speaking up. Most of the time I wished no one would notice me and it makes other people think I don't like them or want to be there.
The one friend I had through highschool and a few years after was just like me. The problem is I didn't want to continue to be like that. I wanted to be social but I came off as being fake/not myself.
I do a lot of things on my own now. I don't really mind being by myself. It gives me the opportunity to do what I want but I get bored easily
At first I thought you're shy but now I suspect that you're just a vanilla introvert. No way in hell that you're a high functioning autistic.
I think your attempt at being more social is a good move, keep doing it. Remember you don't really have to talk in a conversation, listening is plenty enough. The more you listen the more you'll learn on how to strike a conversation. Protip: Extrovert mostly recycled/improvise words and phrases from their previous conversations.
maybe, but it could be something else, a personality disorder or something. or it could be nothing. most of your personality is determined by the time you're 7, and yeah you can change to some extent, but you can only change so far. the main thing is to accept that you may not be able to change everything about yourself that you want to. only seek out labels if you genuinely think they will help you (e.g. helping you find other people who are dealing with similar issues, looking for informational literature or self-help materials).