I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the last 25

I just wanted to vent this out to anyone who would bother to listen. I kept things bottled up for too long I'm afraid to tell anyone else. But I'll tell you guys and be forgotten the next day so I don't regret letting things out.

>>16859470
Don't create excuses for yourself. Your back should not be limiting you. I have it too. Youre using various things to defer blame rather than putting it on yourself.

Youre fat because of you.
You're ugly because you're fat.
You're depressed because you spend entire days at home, eating, rather than working on bettering yourself.

Life didn't throw anything bad at you. YOU threw bad things at yourself.

I'm sorry this is what you're going through, but what I'm saying is true. It wont be easy. It will be the most difficult thing you've ever done... You need to take some blame for these things and realize you can change if you choose to.

I'll type some more stuff out. My family grew up poor and my parents are Asian immigrants. We were isolated here with no support system so we're on our own. I grew up being an awkward kid that made absolutely no friends up to college where I dropped out because I couldn't handle the stress of schoolwork. And yes I got the typical Asian parents school treatment wanting A's and shit, but after they found out I couldn't accomplish much they kinda gave up on me and just told me to be able to get a job, but I can't even do that now.

Up from my birth until now, I haven't had a single friend. Not even acquaintances, and I feel pathetic. Guys won't give me the time of day. I even got bullied by them because of how ugly and fat I was.

My parents didn't believe I had depression until high school and finally got help for me. My therapist wasn't helpful and told me to apply to jobs even after telling her about my social anxiety, which was much worse back then. I couldn't even talk to her without tears in my eyes.

And idk what to type atm I'm going on a tangent.

>>16859490
Yes, I know this is all true. This is what is killing me inside. Thing is I just simply don't want to try anymore and want a peaceful way out of life, even if I have to jump off a damn building. But I don't even have the courage for it, I'm pathetic and feel hopeless that anything I do will change anything in my current circumstance.

And when I tell people about my back, they always make it sound like it's not a big deal. Chronic pain in general is often overlooked because on the outside you look fine but on the inside you're suffering immensely. Most of the time I would cry in pain trying to go to the bathroom, and I have to use walkers and canes. Once in a rainy day the inflammation would go down enough that I can grit my teeth enough to go out.

>>16859506
Oh and chances are I need surgery in a year or two. My spine is all sorts of fucked up atm and idk how my parents are going to fork over any cash for it. I'd rather blow my brains out then burden my parents anymore over it.

are you diagnosed with aspergers?

>>16859591
No, I was never diagnosed with aspergers or autism. Wouldn't be surprised if I actually did have one of the two, though.