I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the last 25 years of my life was a waste and I just want to croak already. I'm ugly as sin and can't even get laid by any guy. I'm depressed, have social anxiety, and I'm fat so no guy would want me anyways.
Efforts to be more outgoing and lose weight just backfire on me. The last time I felt courageous enough to approach a group of people and try to say hello at a party, two of the girls looked at me with confusion and disgust while the rest of the guys laughed and pretended not to notice me. When I left I heard one guy say, "Who was that fat chick?" It felt humiliating enough I immediately left and broke down in the restroom.
I can't even stick to a diet because I feel so hopeless. The primary reason for my fat is because of spinal stenosis in my back causing me great pain that some days I can't even get out of bed and I stay mostly homebound and eat myself into depression. So now I feel useless and a burden on my parents who I feel sorry for and never wished to be born so they could live a happier life rather than be a leech. The experience at the party undid years of counseling and therapy with my social anxiety and now I can't even look anyone in the face when talking to them, get scared shitless when I think about getting a job.
I want to believe I have hope for getting out of this pile of mess life has thrown at me, but I feel too tired. I know life is tough, but I just can't handle it. The constant chronic pain in my back everyday immobilizing me and I can't even get treatment because no insurance, knowing I'm defective as a human being in general because I can't even look someone in the fucking eye and say something without feeling like vomiting, my depression effectively putting me in a vicious cycle of suicidal thoughts and regret, I can't take it.
I don't even know how I can get a gun to blow my brains out or I'll just consider jumping off a high enough building to splatter my brains.
I just wanted to vent this out to anyone who would bother to listen. I kept things bottled up for too long I'm afraid to tell anyone else. But I'll tell you guys and be forgotten the next day so I don't regret letting things out.
Don't create excuses for yourself. Your back should not be limiting you. I have it too. Youre using various things to defer blame rather than putting it on yourself.
Youre fat because of you.
You're ugly because you're fat.
You're depressed because you spend entire days at home, eating, rather than working on bettering yourself.
Life didn't throw anything bad at you. YOU threw bad things at yourself.
I'm sorry this is what you're going through, but what I'm saying is true. It wont be easy. It will be the most difficult thing you've ever done... You need to take some blame for these things and realize you can change if you choose to.
I'll type some more stuff out. My family grew up poor and my parents are Asian immigrants. We were isolated here with no support system so we're on our own. I grew up being an awkward kid that made absolutely no friends up to college where I dropped out because I couldn't handle the stress of schoolwork. And yes I got the typical Asian parents school treatment wanting A's and shit, but after they found out I couldn't accomplish much they kinda gave up on me and just told me to be able to get a job, but I can't even do that now.
Up from my birth until now, I haven't had a single friend. Not even acquaintances, and I feel pathetic. Guys won't give me the time of day. I even got bullied by them because of how ugly and fat I was.
My parents didn't believe I had depression until high school and finally got help for me. My therapist wasn't helpful and told me to apply to jobs even after telling her about my social anxiety, which was much worse back then. I couldn't even talk to her without tears in my eyes.
And idk what to type atm I'm going on a tangent.
Yes, I know this is all true. This is what is killing me inside. Thing is I just simply don't want to try anymore and want a peaceful way out of life, even if I have to jump off a damn building. But I don't even have the courage for it, I'm pathetic and feel hopeless that anything I do will change anything in my current circumstance.
And when I tell people about my back, they always make it sound like it's not a big deal. Chronic pain in general is often overlooked because on the outside you look fine but on the inside you're suffering immensely. Most of the time I would cry in pain trying to go to the bathroom, and I have to use walkers and canes. Once in a rainy day the inflammation would go down enough that I can grit my teeth enough to go out.
Oh and chances are I need surgery in a year or two. My spine is all sorts of fucked up atm and idk how my parents are going to fork over any cash for it. I'd rather blow my brains out then burden my parents anymore over it.