Hi /adv/. I'm a 19yo student living with my single mother. She's been emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me my entire life, but recent incidents involve her threatening to "beat my face until it was nothing but blood and snot" over salad and screaming, throwing things at me because I got sick. She matches all the criteria for borderline disorder but says that therapists are for losers. Anyone who I've talked to has told me to GTFO of this house.
I let her know I want to move out and she broke down crying saying that if I do, I'll be throwing away our relationship. She also said that if I move out I'm not getting a cent of the child support money she's been saving up, which was kinda petty. I told her if she breaks down screaming again then I'll be leaving, which I think she accepted. Lately she's been calm but super passive aggressive.
Trouble now is that I've found a nice studio within my budget that I want to inspect. I live in a big city so that's a rarity. The owner sent me inspection times but now I'm getting cold feet. My friends and boyfriend are telling me my mother is sick and will never get better so I should go inspect the place and put down a bond, regardless of the chance I gave my mother. But I just feel so guilty. I keep remembering all the nice little things she's done for me and how much I'd be hurting her by leaving (my older brother left and went no contact when I was 12).
>But I just feel so guilty. I keep remembering all the nice little things she's done for me and how much I'd be hurting her by leaving (my older brother left and went no contact when I was 12).
If she really cared about being a good parent, and keeping your relationship alive, she'd get professional help. Threatening a person over wanting to grow up and live their own life isn't something you do when you care about someone. She is NOT going to get better until she gets help, and you are just enabling her bad behavior by staying. You're allowing her to manipulate you out of your future. This will cost you your friends and your relationship. It may not be now, but it will happen.
A good mother would WANT you to start living an independent life. You weren't born to be this woman's permanent companion. You don't have to sacrifice your happiness and sanity just so she doesn't have to be lonely.
It sounds like your friends and your boyfriend are genuinely trying to help you and look out for your best interest, and it sounds like your mother has NEVER done that. There's only one choice here. You already know it. You gotta jump out of the nest sometime, and you've got a chance to do it right now.
Laughed, thank you.
>You're allowing her to manipulate you out of your future. This will cost you your friends and your relationship. It may not be now, but it will happen.
You're actually right about this. My bf has been really supportive throughout everything but he told me that if I keep letting myself stay in this situation he's not sure how much more he can do.
Sounds very painful.
We can live life deluded about reality, but it usually means far more hurt than being honest about who people are. It doesn't mean you care less about your mother when you choose healthy relationships. It means you are choosing life for yourself. If you are ready, I hope you'll choose life.
You made me cry, I hope you're happy.
Seriously though, thank you. You're right, I think.
The thing that worries me most right now is how I'm even going to tell her I'm leaving. Part of me wants to just grab all my things, leave without her knowing and then just give her a call, but that would be such a shitty move.
>She also said that if I move out I'm not getting a cent of the child support money she's been saving up
So what happens when she doesn't like the school your child goes to?
The house you buy with your wife?
The job you do?
You're gonna let your whole life revolve around what, a couple thousand dollars? Even if it's a million, it's not guaranteed. If you were going to have them, she would have given you them already. Spoiler alert, you're not a child, why is she saving up child support now?
>how much I'd be hurting her by leaving
You're an adult. You can make your own decisions. If you revolve YOUR life around making someone happy, YOU won't be.
>Spoiler alert, you're not a child, why is she saving up child support now?
She keeps saying we need to save it up in case anything happens. It's just $14k lying around collecting dust. I'm wondering if I should grab half of it (I know where it is) when I leave. For a dirt poor uni student living alone $7k is a nice sum but she's definitely hold it over my head.
>how much I'd be hurting her by leaving
This is literally part of the manipulation game she's been playing with you. It's ok to be selfish, just get the fuck out and tell her you're never talking to her again until she gets professional help.
>It's just $14k lying around collecting dust. I'm wondering if I should grab half of it (I know where it is) when I leave
Don't do this.
>Don't do this.
You're right, she'll guilt me so bad for it. And considering that I have a job and she hasn't worked a single day in the past 19 years she'll probably need it more.