Is it weird that all my boyfriend wants to do is cuddle until he looks at porn?
He'll wake me up in the middle of the night and fuck me, which is nice, but I'm 99% positive that he only got turned on because of porn.
If I try to make a move on him any other time, all he wants to do is cuddle.
Is this normal? Is this bad? Should I be worried/actively changing something about myself?
It's not normal, but not being normal isn't bad by necessity. You want to get fucked, and he fucks you.
Does he have an unhealthy relationship with porn? Perhaps, but he copes and is able to perform his duties to you despite his limitation.
He tells me he thinks I'm attractive, or that I am hot, and will grab me and kiss me and cuddle me, he just never really wants sex when I initiate.
I don't understand what I'm suppose to do.
Last night he told me he wanted to eat me out when we got ome from work. We got home, i told him i was going to take a shower and get ready for him and he said "maybe tomorrow we can do it"
After I told him that it hurt my feelings, he felt bad and "changed his mind", but I don't want pity/guilt sex, so I said no.
This sort of thing happens a lot.
I'll wear cute things, do my makeup, beg him to fuck me, shake my ass in front of him, grind on his dick while we're watching tv, tell him how much I want him, but none of that seems to work
The few times it does, it doesn't feel like there's any love or emotion behind it
It's just him going through the motion
Honestly people here will probably try and tell you it's because you're unattractive, and though that might play a role, it sounds a bit like it's either "relationship death bed", i.e. there's no excitement to it anymore (if there used to be?), or it's some form of depression or asexuality on his part. Porn triggers very primal male erotic stimulation, which is why it's so effective (women always take it personally, but it's never personal).
Interest in cuddling suggests that he still loves you, which is a fine basis for a relationship. But obviously there's something wrong which you need to talk about with him, and get your needs met.
>You're not attractive to him, so he doesn't want to fuck you
>but everything is ok
This is so wrong on many levels
I've already tried talking to him about it, but it never goes anywhere. He tells me that I'm being paranoid or that everything is fine, but nothing changes.
Why does porn trigger something I can't? If I'm literally fucking myself with a dildo in front of his face and begging him to fuck me, why won't that work?
that sounds an awful lot like depression. He recognizes your need, tries to fulfill it - sounds good at first but gets blocked by his psychological stress. (and then probably doubles down because he gets performance anxiety)
I would suggest you two do what virgins do: that is, don't focus on penetration but instead just enjoy your bodies together in a low-stress, low-expectations environment where you just cuddle and touch sexually. If it happens it happens, but sex shouldn't be the goal. Maybe mutual masturbation for awhile; at least you should end up satisfied.
> don't focus on penetration but instead just enjoy your bodies together in a low-stress, low-expectations environment where you just cuddle and touch sexually
I've tried it. He enjoyed it, but stopped fairly quickly to just get it over with and have sex with me.
I haven't used this in years
>Why does porn trigger something I can't?
you're a real human being with like a thousand more sensory inputs. It's like the difference between looking at a picture of food and actually making dinner and eating it. (I still can't understand how women are jealous of porn) He also doesn't have to work to satisfy porn; it's low-stress, low-maintenance and all he has to worry about is his own pleasure. With you, he wants you to enjoy the experience - sex for men who care about their partners is real work and effort - and if there's something wrong, it becomes hard work. There's no performance anxiety or insecurity to deal with when you're jerking it to porn.
>he stopped to have sex with me
so what you're saying is, it WORKED?
I find that guys who watch porn daily with a limited sexual experience with women get more turned on by porn than real women. It changes their perceptions, expectations, and interests regarding sex. I don't mean that in the silly "porn teaches boyz to hate womenz!!" But their body becomes familiar to being aroused by porn. Watching sex and looking at body parts becomes more appealing than actually penetrating a woman. Sexual fantasies change, preference of women (depending on genre of porn) and the way in which the body has adapted to become aroused and achieve orgasm.
If that's the case you can't do much. If he prefers porn, he prefers porn. It's not because you're undesirable, but because he's not watching you be fucked on a screen, doing things from a script specifically written for people to fap to.
Porn makes sex look different also because the actors are aware that they're gonna be watched and attempt to make the acts look more aesthetically pleasing than anything else. Like I gert so turned on when my boyfriend plays with one nipple and burries his face in my boob while sucking the other. It would probably look really weird and not super bonerfying to watch that in a porno, but it feels good for us.
It's not good sex, it's the same mechanical get it over with sex he always has with me
None of those are me. He's pretty shy about it. I know he likes asses and he likes costumes, but he's super secretive about everything else and it breaks my heart because all I want to do is make him happy.
I think I just have a problem.
My last boyfriend was a porn addict too. He couldn't get it up for me without porn and would often rather look at porn than spend time with me.
I think I just attract fucking awful people.
I don't know how to talk to my boyfriend about how this all make me feel anymore.
I've talked to him, but he insists that I have issues.
I probably do and this is probably all my fault.
I'm stuck in this fucked up style of relationship forever.
Odd, but not that uncommon. Perhaps he's a voyeur. Or needs some fetish to warm up. My Aunt and Uncle lived like this happily married for over 40 years, although she almost never watched with him.
As long as it doesn't bother you and he's still an attentive lover, then all is good. If he just wants you to finish up after he does his porn thing, forget him. Tell him to get a hand instead.
On the other hand (pun sort of not intended), you can perhaps even use this to spice up your sex life. Try to find out what porn he's looking at, and use it to spice up your sex life. Perhaps give him a striptease-lapdance, or play with a vibrator. Otherwise just keep porn ready so you can warm him up whenever.
I wouldn't have made this thread if it wasn't as problem.
He deletes his history and hide everything now because I told him that it made me feel bad that he seems to only enjoy porn sexually.
I don't want to have to warm my fucking boyfriend up with porn. I want to have him be happy that a girl puts a ton of time and effort into making him happy, being attractive to him, and have him want to fuck me because he loves me and thinks I'm attractive.
I'm so done with this modern bullshit advice "all dudes look at porn. Instead of having a healthy sex life, let him have his porn and be his cum sock"
Fuck this shit.
The shitty thing is, I know I'm not.
I've had attractive dudes offer to be sugar daddies for me. I have guys hit on me all the times at work. I have women hit on me and non-lesbian chicks want to hook up with me.
It fucking sucks that I have to compete with perfection.
I'm not amazing, but I'm not unatractive.
I'm not fat, I have nice measurements
I'm sick of this shit
How is it that the only guys I love would rather have some god damned whore on their screen than a woman who adores the ground they walk on?
Is it because they were all nerdy-ish dudes who were single for too long?
>I've talked to him, but he insists that I have issues.
I'm beginning to suspect you are part of the problem too.
You say the sex is "mechanical" and not good, but that doesn't seem to be a problem with the porn per se, but perhaps just that your BF isn't good at sex, or doesn't know what you like. It's ALSO possible that you're simply being a negative shit about the sex and disincluding it like it doesn't "count" for you, probably because you're heading into it expecting it to be shit and terrible and your expectations are ruining it. This is a common problem for insecure women. It also sounds a little bit like you're obsessing about the porn aspect of the problem, when that's likely a symptom, not the disease itself.
Certainly it could be some deeply embarrassing fetish - unlikely, but even if true it wouldn't change much about your own part in this problem.
He says it feels mechanical to him as well, though.
I don't know how to change myself.
I try, I try to be agressive, I try to be subtle, I try to be cute, I try to be sexy, I don't know what to do anymore.
I know I have an issue, but it's only getting worse because all my insecurities and suspicions are coming true.
The worst part about coming out of a relationship where I already had to deal with shit is the fact that all my fear are completely validated when the only time my boyfriend will fuck me is when some other chick on the internet turned him on first.
Not to his face
>Demanding in bed
I never guilt him into sex. I never insult him or cut him down for not wanting it.
I'm always supportive and loving. If he's nervous, I'll help him, if he wants something, I try to give it to him
I never force him to make me cum first and often don't even get myself off because I want to make him happy
That's not true.
90% of the time, our sex life is a little sad because he has no drive to have sex with me, but when things are good they're great. If he even so much as shows sexual interest in me without checking out his phone or waking me up after watching porn, I'm ecstatic.
Completely agree OP. Porn should be a once in a while thing. I am married, my wife will sometimes look together or I will watch if we are going through a dry spell, like when my wife had pregnancy complications and we were ordered no sex for 6 months by doctor.
Needing porn for getting in the mood or to get off is a psychological weakness and should be solved. You should be angry about being his cum sock.
He should do a No Fap February and have limited sex. It basically detoxes his mind from the bullshit and gets him reset for a healthy sexual relationship again.
I think I'm done with this
I'll be single, get depressed, and fall back into the same trap
I'll probably end up killing myself sometime this week.
At least he can be happy looking at porn and not dealing with my bullshit.
I couldn't ask him to do that.
He'd say no. He'd tell me porn is healthy and I shouldn't tell him how to live his life.
I'll try it, but I'm going to prepare for the worst response.
>not to his face
he can tell. *I* can tell and I've never even SEEN your face.
>I never guilt him into sex. I never insult him or cut him down for not wanting it.
That's not what you've indicated in this thread, which has been entirely about how much you want things to be better. Even if you're hiding it all from him (though you say you've talked repeatedly, and tried things) he'll be able to tell.
>but when things are good they're great. If he even so much as shows sexual interest in me without checking out his phone or waking me up after watching porn, I'm ecstatic.
You JUST told us that the sex was "mechanical" and terrible even when he stopped foreplay and went right to sex. You're lying to yourself, and us.
>all my fear are completely validated
Yeah, this is part of your bullshit mindset. It's too convenient when everything just amazingly perfectly validates your deepest fears, oh gosh I was right all along. I really do feel like you're creating a lot of your own pain - obviously he's not doing things right either, but you're almost certainly the core root of the issue, probably baggage from your prior relationship, or something deeper.
>I'll probably end up killing myself this week
Have you ever been to a therapist, or been diagnosed with a mood disorder? You're starting to sound like you have BDP or bi-polar.
ESPECIALLY if this is a recurring theme in your relationships, then the common thread is *you*, not the person you're propping up as the "perp" (i.e. the string of bfs you've had)
Porn is healthy in moderation. In excess it becomes a crutch that cripples you sexually and dehumanizes your partner. Detox fixes this.
Do you really want to be with somebody that doesn't want to improve himself? Have higher standards and he will rise up or some other guy who is worthy will take his place. Don't be so melodramatic.
> *I* can tell and I've never even SEEN your face.
Are you brain dead? I'm talking about my issue on an anonymous forum. of course you can tell. I'm not talking to him like I'm addressing everyone here
>That's not what you've indicated in this thread, which has been entirely about how much you want things to be better
Wanting things to be better =/= cutting him down or neglecting him
Having sex after foreplay is good, but not when it's cold, mechanical sex. Even he went out of his way to tell me it was like that.
i offered him solutions, he even admitted to feeling like he was a major part of the problem, but has yet to change any of his ways.
The few times he has sex with me because he loves me and wants it, it's amazing. But that's few and far between.
Being starved the majority of the time and having a nice meal every once in a while doesn't justify starvation.
You're incredibly stupid if you claim to be an attractive woman but you're going to kill yourself over a boy.
An absolute moron. I have no sympathy for you if you're not smart enough to just get another boyfriend which is easy as fuck for women.
I've been diagnosed, I've been to therapy, and I'm being treated.
I know I have issues, but it's hard to feel like I'm the only issue here when my boyfriends both admit to how much fucking porn they watch, and both have had issues having sex with me because of it.
I'll take your advice.
I don't want another fucking boyfriend.
I've only had 2 and both have been long-term.
I value my relationships and my partners are my best friends.
I don't want to just hop on another dick.
I just want to be with someone who isn't completely fucked in the sexuality department.
>I'm not talking to him like I'm addressing everyone here
You *SAID* you talked to him. Why didn't you talk to him honestly like you are to people here? You have to really be honest with people and your needs.
>I've been diagnosed, I've been to therapy, and I'm being treated.
Then this mental pathway is probably part of your disease, and your boyfriend's porn use is probably part of his COPING with your disease.
>both have had issues having sex with me because of it.
Are you sure you have the causation right? Because it seems much more likely that your bfs have been running to porn use BECAUSE of your problems/insecurities, rather than the other way around.
What were you diagnosed with?
>I just want to be with someone who isn't completely fucked in the sexuality department.
This is sort of an aside, but women hate porn because it's competition, right? They don't want to feel like they're always in competition with someone/something else, they want to lock that dude down permanently.
Which is actually super unhealthy.
You shouldn't have to rely on clamping down on competition, because (1) porn is endless now (pic related), and (2) even if all porn disappeared tomorrow, there would still be endless amounts of other WOMEN out there. The secret to self-esteem is not removing all potential risks to your ego, but to become stronger and rise above the worst-case scenario.
By the way, you should be fucking thankful you're not a dude. Hypergamy is baked right into female hardwiring, imagine not only your man could look at porn, but women - better women - were always making a pass at him and trying to fuck him wherever they went; plying him with gifts and drinks and etc - and this was all not only socially acceptable, but complaining about it or even displaying that you feel bad about it or insecure - was socially verboten. Literally, I'll just quote you here:
>I've had attractive dudes offer to be sugar daddies for me. I have guys hit on me all the times at work. I have women hit on me and non-lesbian chicks want to hook up with me.
female privilege, check it
there's zero evidence in this thread that there's even "excessive" use going on. She only said he wasn't getting it up for her unless he looked at it (and if you'll note, she's "99% positive", which means she doesn't actually know)
don't read the thread poorly and then shit on my advice. The girl has a diagnosed mental disorder, and you're feeding into it.
I don't hate porn because it's competition
I hate it because it's literally ruining my sex life.
I don't give a shit if he finds other women attractive, as long as I'm not in second place, sexually, I'm fine.
I feel like it's pretty fucking wrong to put your long term girlfriend second to porn.
All dudes look at pron.
Do all dudes prefer porn over a woman begging to get fucked?
I only say 99% because I don't staqy up every fucking moment of the day to check on him, but he's confirmed that he'll come to me when porn turns him on.
Any time I leave the house, he spends half the day jacking off
Once again, he's told me about this. Words from his mouth, not mine.
>99%, he told me
>I don't hate porn because it's competition
>as long as I'm not in second place
also, you didn't engage with the post about what you were diagnosed with/the role the disease plays in this issue.
well okay - clinical depression can be an extreme distorter of perception and thoughts. Negative ideation is extremely common, and it can be real hard to see or remember positive events (good sex), and very easy to focus on negatives (porn use). Criticism and insecurity are magnified, and you can feel like everything that goes on around you is a negative response to you. Depression can be a real relationship-killer (as I think you understand). Is he using porn excessively as a result of your issues? It seems very possible. You're not at fault for being depressed, but these are real effects that seem to be troubling your relationship.
To start off with, you should probably try and talk with him again - for real real this time - about your issues/needs. Do it in an email/written down if you have to, that can be more effective. Try and be judgment-free, try and speak clearly about what you want without making assumptions (i.e. "I just want you to love me" makes an assumption about his feelings that you cannot know), and look for solutions. Trying to find solutions is the only way forward. Arguing about fault and really falling deeply into the importance of your own feelings and insecurities is a major trap. Either move forward or don't. And maybe being out of a relationship and learning to love yourself by yourself is what you really need.
This gives me good insight.
I know I have issues, but I think if I keep what you said in mind I can have a reasonable talk with him about what's going on.
Going out to fetch new sex toys too, to make me feel better.
Maybe we can have some nice make-up sex after the talk.