My problem is, that my gf is a liar. She lies to me whenever she thinks that she can get away with it, and I don't think I can trust her anymore. I go to school out of state, and have to take a semester off due to an injury of mine. She lives at school, and there's a good 5-6 hours between us.
I know that most people tell fibs about things sometimes, especially when it isn't important, but this isn't the same. Her lies are literally to cover her ass after doing things that she knows I wouldn't like for her to do. This is mutual between us, mainly she didn't want me hanging around some unsavory people that I hung around with before I started dating her, and I said the same for her. The difference between us is that I haven't hung out with or even talked with those people since we agreed upon that. That was the original problem, since then she's moved away from possibly having contact with them. As far as I know, it was never more serious than just occasionally hanging out in a group and they (people she agreed not to hang out around) were there. I give her more room than most other boys would, I don't really stop her from doing anything. I've called her out on her lies multiple times, and still, nothing has changed. She lies right to my face when I know what the truth is, and only admits it when I press the question more. This happened quite a few times, and I keep giving her more chances. I've recently felt as though I can barely trust her.
This has changed me greatly, I feel as though since she can't be trusted, I had to monitor her somehow. Yes, I know, this is probably going to seem like a horrible thing to do, and normally I would agree, but I can't just trust her and take her word for it anymore. I've been logged in to her facebook account on my laptop ever since she's used it and forgot to log out, and monitor her messages between other people. Cont. in next post
She's gotten messages from other guys before, but never really paid them any mind, she just brushed them off and showed no interest. However, she would never, ever tell me about it. She wouldn't even bring it up. I've asked her if anyone's hit on her or something like that in casual conversation, and she's said no every time. Now, recently, someone else started a conversation with her. A little bit in, she said that she had a boyfriend, which surprised me because I expected her to leave that part out. I thought, "Wow, she actually said it, maybe I can trust her a bit more". But then later in the conversation, he L I T E R A L L Y asked her for nudes once, she said no, and then he asked again, and she responded with an animal emoji. He then said that he wanted her to think he was cute and ask to hang out with him, to which she gave some half-assed response of "oh I was wondering why you were getting so into our talk lol" he responded with a smiley face or something like that and she literally said "come hang out". At this point, smoke was coming out of my ears. I was furious. She had literally just told a guy who was asking her for nudes and clearly hitting on her to come hang out. He lives a few hours away from her, but is transferring to the same school next semester.
I don't know how to handle this. After this, there's no way I can trust her anymore. We've been fine besides this though, we've been dating for almost two years now. If I confront her about it, she'll know that I've been monitoring her. But I can't just say nothing. What I thought that I should do is just break up and say that I just don't think its going to work. I think that would be the smart thing to do. However, I'm furious. Outraged. Our relationship has always been her taking more than she gives, I do much more for her than she does for me, in pretty much everything. The fact that she would do this after how good I've been to her is stupefying. I want to confront her about it, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it.
Should I just break up with her without being specific? Confront her about this? Do nothing? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Our normal interactions are fine though. She's good to me usually and we get along well normally, it's just that whenever it comes time for her to choose whether or not she wants to do something that she knows would make me upset if I knew, she does it and either doesn't mention it or lies about it.
Relationships without trust DO NOT WORK, and rebuilding trust is pretty hard to do so you got your work cut out for you if you do want to try to make things work.
And really, the only people who stay together are the ones that are willing to try to make it work. You're going to have these same trust issues as baggage in your next relationship, so it might be more emotionally healthy for you to at least try and overcome this within yourself before you move on.
Here's the thing, though: relationships are ALWAYS a risk. Marriages fail, people cheat and break up and fall out of love outta the blue and there's literally nothing you can do about it. There are dudes everywhere your gf goes who are probably hitting on her - grocery store, school, her job. Fending men off is normal everyday social interaction for women, but it also means they have endless opportunity to jump ship. You cannot ever control this without going crazy and locking them up in your basement. So instead of focusing on things that are not in your control (like who your gf talks to), focus on being stronger than the worst case scenario. If she cheats, then fuck her - she's gone and you can move on with your life.
In this case, she hasn't really cheated. Best case scenario, she's misdirecting the guy and the invitation to "hang out" is going to be flaked on. Your interpretation of it is clouded by your fear and mistrust - which is why trust is so important to a relationship.
I would approach her in a calm a manner as possible and tell her you saw this conversation and admit to your lack of trust with her. Then offer that you would like to fix your trust issues, but you need her to be fully honest with you, communicate with you, tell you if she's unhappy or there's something wrong (and be prepared to listen to some uncomfortable shit). This is the only way to fix this, and it may not work, but it'll at least give you a better chance of leaving the relationship without much baggage.
Cool pro CI work bro.
>Our relationship has always been her taking more than she gives
>I do much more for her than she does for me, in pretty much everything.
Does this make you feel like a man, anon? Does she tell you you're not a man if you don't wait on her every whim? She still entertains the people that message her because they give her attention and keeps it hidden from you?
Do you not see anything wrong with this? truthfully, are you here for validation to keep trying or validation to do what's best for you?
Break up with her while you still have some dignity and strength left bro, this shit will drain you off everything you have, money, friends, dignity, energy, strength and so on. End it don't give her any reason. Don't believe in anything she says, tell her to fuck off, and move on, find somebody else, somebody that will respect you.
I know chances are she'd flake out on him, but he's friends with some people she hangs out with, its inevitable that they'd at least come into contact. I'm also hesitant because of the baggage she'd leave me with if I just flat out dumped her. She's never been in a relationship before so I attribute part of this to inexperience, but the conversation she had with that guy was unacceptable. I've talked to her about lying before, and she's always promised change but never went through with it. She hasn't shown the same level of commitment as I have and I don't think that she has the willpower to change.
It isn't like I cater to her every whim and am on call for her. I at least have that much self-respect, but the amount of effort that we both show is very unequal. She wants to talk to me often, it isn't like I'm just some sort of service drone. I still love her of course, my feelings for her haven't totally disappeared or else I would have broken up with her already. Part of me thinks that dumping her on the spot is a hasty decision and that it could work out, but another part of me thinks that that would just be wishful thinking and that breaking up with her would save me grief down the line, as well as giving me an opportunity to find a better match.
The only reason is because I'm taking the semester off to take care of my injury.
Your situation is similar to my own
Until a year ago I was engaged to a girl, we were on and off for over a decade. She was one of my best friends, even for years before we became romantic. About 12 or so years ago, we were living together and on valentines day, back when AIM was the standard, she had about 13 messages open on her computer from guys and they were all obviously from guys she had been flirting with for a long time. Some were ex's. 2 days later I was back living at home because I confronted her.
Fast forward to 10 years later. We had both changed and I trusted her completely. We had a townhouse together and her two kids were there with us. The oldest was 13 and I was 'dad' since he was 4. After about 4 months, things got real sour because she was lying about her finances, while I was doing the house work, 90% of the cooking, raising the kinds mainly and running errands. I was back in school, trying to get re-certified as a teacher, as I had my degree and left the Army with a back injury a year prior, so I was getting a stipend from that.
After 9 months, we couldn't manage the bills, mainly because she was hiding her money and spending it as fast as she got it. We got out of the lease and we moved back home with my parents for 3 months before moving into one of her parents rentals.
She had lied in the beginning, she lied 10 years later to get what she needed. I gave more than she did, emotionally and monetarily, while she was sneaky about everything she did. Her excuse for me paying more of the bills? She was the one working and she ALLOWED me to "Be a man" by keeping us a float. Zero doubt that she loves me, been through too much, but she is a sick person and loves herself more than anyone and I finally learned my lesson and broke it off with her.
She got re-engaged to someone else about 4 months ago, less than a year after we split.
I hope you are smarter than I was. Cash your chips and get up from the table. Do it for you.
Damn man, that sucks. I agree with you though, she definitely loves me, its just that she doesn't seem to be willing to change, or at least doesn't have the willpower to do so. If it was over something petty, I wouldn't mind, it's just that she has consistently not respected my wishes and went back on her word multiple times. There's no question that she has feelings for me, and I have feelings for her, it's just that I can't trust her anymore and I don't think that she's ready for a relationship with me.
what the fuck dude
how the hell do you guys get together with this kind of girl
oh my god you deserve to be fucked up
it's like knowing that the knife is sharp and sticking it into your butt, hoping that it will not cut your asshole
fuck you both, you deserve it
She is never going to change, you will never be able to trust her. So if you keep going this way she will eventually get better at hiding things, and you will get better at monitoring her and it will escalate this way until you are legit insane. Just dump someone like this. It's too much fucking work and energy to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust. It's exhausting. Good relationships are comfy. This is not comfy.