My girlfriend stumbled upon a "guy from her class" on her way home, so she walked him home (even if it meant having to walk waaaay more to hers, and felt down that night because of that).
That bothers me, he isn't even a "friend", I dont even know him, for far as I know, she just ocassionally talks to him and out of nowhere she does that, and it bothers me.
I have problems with jealousy, and it probably is nothing, but I never know how to go about this kind of stuff.
Ignore it ? be cautious ? ask about it ? blindly trust her ? if so, advices on how to ?
Well I know I HAVE problems with that (I have A LOT of insecurities overall, not just relationship-wise), and even though about going to a psychologist about it, and always struggle to not let it affect my life too much.
Because of that...I always think twice about what is right to do and what isn't, regardless of my instincts
walking home with a guy she doesn't know is sketchy but mostly because it's unsafe to put yourself in a situation where you're alone with a man you do not trust.
Most girls have more common sense than that, so I get the feeling that they are friends. Did she tell you that they were friends? Did she say "a guy from my class" or "a friend from my class"?
It's probably nothing. However, you can tell your gf about your insecurities and irrational jealousy and request that she be cognizant of your feelings. Admit that you know you're being crazy, and discuss with her ways you can mitigate these feelings. For example, she can not tell you if she innocently walks a friend home - the ignorance is now option - or she could install a gps tracker on her phone - the overboard information option. When you talk to her, make sure she knows you know it's your problem and not hers, and that you trust her and are working on these issues so this won't be forever.
"A teammate from my class"
She mentioned him the last class she had (because she finally got a team to work with) as "I found a team with a guy I would some times talk to".
But no real 'frecuent' friend, that's why it bothers me, as if his conversation just had to be SO interesting to stick around.
Well it's not that surprising- that doesn't sound super sketchy.
Do you know his name? Is he attractive?
I mean like actually attractive, not "I can see that she might be into someone like him".
As a woman, I have a handful of really good platonic guy friends. Enjlyong a member of the opposite sex's company isn't enough to indicate a bond stronger than friendship. You have to be SEXUALLY ATTRACTED to the other person for an issue to present itself.
You shouldn't act paranoid to your girlfriend. If you've already been wierd about it, try to spin it like "I really care about you, so I'm just a little worried when you walk home with men who you don't really know all too well. I know you're a grown up and I trust you to make good decisions, but I'm still gonna worry about you if I don't agree with your judgement." If you spin it like you're just concerned about her safety, she won't be off-put by your jealous ego.
Another way to play it off is like playfully jealous like "*pout* well how come you don't walk home with meee? I'm jealous!! ;p" that kind of silly reaction where you're like haha give me loooove is like "cute needy" when done in moderation and can be sweet if you're normally not super needy.
But you don't want to come off as controlling/possessive ever.
She is a person, and you are a person. You have a commitment to each other that can end anytime as soon as someone wants out. Do not think that you own her or can control her actions. The best you can hope for is to be honest about how you feel, and see if she cares enough to change her behavior for the sake of your emotions.
The second you try to control her she's going to get sick of you.
The "don't be controlling/possessive" advice is coming from a good place, but to play devil's advocate: if I randomly decided to walk a girl home who my girlfriend had never met, or decided to get coffee with her or something else of that nature, I'd have the courtesy to shoot my girlfriend a quick text beforehand (or during the conversation if it was unplanned) saying, basically, "Full disclosure: I'm chatting with [X] right now, from Chemistry. There's nothing for you to worry about, but I wanted you to know where I was." I'd expect the same treatment from her; not "demand", I just know she'd do it.
I think even otherwise secure and well-adjusted people can be prone to fits of irrational jealousy. It's part of being human. I also think mature people tend to realize and respect this. There's a lot to be said for anticipating and preempting that reaction by being above-and-beyond communicative, rather than casually mentioning after the fact, "yeah, I spontaneously walked an hour and a half out of my way because I was chatting with this guy, but it's no big deal." I don't think that's controlling or unhealthy behavior; shooting a 15-second text to my girlfriend every now and then isn't much of an imposition.
I'm not saying that every relationship has to be that way. The boundaries are different for everybody. Just playing devil's advocate.
Yeah- see to me that is crossing a line. If she's ok with it then that's fine, but that was something that one of my ex's used to make me do so I have an issue with it. He used to give me a hard time whenever I hung out with a guy friend, so it eventually just became easier to not tell him. I wouldn't lie to him about it, but I wouldn't go out of my way to tell him before hand.
It's just not a big deal- it becomes a bigger deal when you make it a thing like that.
Do you expect her to text you before she grabs coffee with a gal pal from her class? What about before she meets with a teacher? Or when she goes to the mall with her brother? What do those three have in common: she's not sexually attracted to them. If you ask her to treat a boy that she's not sexually attracted to differently, you're allowing your insecurity to show.
When i hang out with my guy friends, I put them in the same catagory as my girl friends. I'm not sexually attracted to either of them. Asking me to treat one differently would honestly make things Wierd.
I get where you're coming from, but looking at it as the girl in this situation, it it just off putting.
That's assuming she doesn't have a crush on this guy, of course.
Those two last advice really go for the kind of encouragement I was looking for, thanks a lot for the responses guys !
I'll be more calm about it, its obvious it was also the heat of the moment, and I really doubt there is hardly any sex appeal, and its entirely platonic, if anything.
I yet have to talk with her about my irrational occasional feelings, if it becomes too much of a problem.
>I have problems with jealousy
Yeah you do.
>blindly trust her
Dude, if you're seriously the kind of guy that needs to grill a girlfriend about walking home with a friend then you need some serious fucking mind reconfiguration.
Your girlfriend is a human being living in the world. Human beings are social creatures. Occasionally, some of the creatures she talks to are going to be men. Get the fuck over it.
If you don't you're going to slowly poison and ruin every single relationship you have for the rest of your life with your jealousy. That is a fucking fact.
>She mentioned him the last class she had (because she finally got a team to work with) as "I found a team with a guy I would some times talk to". But no real 'frecuent' friend, that's why it bothers me, as if his conversation just had to be SO interesting to stick around.
>Yeah- see to me that is crossing a line.
You are a paranoid little cunt. Best way to drive your girlfriend into the arms of another man is to be a paranoid little cunt and get mad every time your girl talks to a guy. A woman will put up with being your possession for you to hover over and control for so long but eventually they all get sick of it. You have some serious issues dude. Deal with them, quickly.
Sure, if you don't want to ruin every relationship you ever have with jealousy then a therapist isn't a horrible idea.
If you absolutely cannot let your feelings of inadequacy go then maybe talking to a professional is the right path for you.
All I'm saying is that you'll never be in a functional relationship when you worry about what your partner is doing and who they're talking to and why. It'll drive you fucking insane and it will drive them insane.
If you trust her, then you trust her. If you don't, then leave her. But if you decide to stay with her don't treat her like an errant dog. Understand that she is choosing to be with you and give her the respect at least of not treat her like there's a possibility she's lying whore who fucks guys behind your back when she has done nothing to deserve it.
Its unfair and its bullshit and deep down you know that.
girls have no loyalty man she is playing the field and you're getting cucked in the process.
not that she's cheating on you at them moment, because I guarantee she's not, but she may as well be with this kind of game she's playing.
girls don't just walk around with strange dudes from class, she's at the point where she can claim they're just "teammates" from school, bust she's really trying to find out if this guy is an upgrade over you, and if he's attracted to her
if the roles were reversed do you think she'd be okay with that? maybe if the girl you were walking with was a hambeast she might, but otherwise not a chance.
they're just in the feeling each other out stage and you need to snuff it out before it gets started. pretty soon she's "busy" and "not in the mood" and suddenly she needs to be single to "find herself"
then you'll see the facebook and instagram photos of them cuddling
try turning the tables maybe. Try not to center your decisions around your gf. Always strive to satisfy your interests, hang around with friends, meet girls. Show her you can still get your dick wet and try being happy about yourself. That should cure the jealousy. It also might help your gf not to stray with her guy/platonic 'friends' whenever she gets the chance.
>finding a decent woman instead of a whore
I know what you mean. I thought I had a decent woman but then I caught her talking to some strange dude at the grocery store the other day so I dumped that slut right there.
I mean, her excuse was that the strange guy she was talking to was the cashier and she was telling him she didn't want cash back but she was probably just trying to stall so she could suck his dick while I wasn't looking.
Should of locked that bitch in a tower where she couldn't talk to any men. Where have all the decent women gone?
With respect, I'm not your ex. This isn't something that I make my girlfriend do; it's something that *I* do, voluntarily, and I'm gratified that she's freely chosen to follow suit. I expect her to do it in the same way I expect her to text me approximately 3,285,902 gifs per week of cats doing cute things; she's certainly not obligated to do that, but if past experience is anything to go by she's going to anyway. Basically, I expect her to be a great girlfriend because she consistently is one.
The fact that she does take the initiative in keeping me posted about situations I might feel jealous about is why I virtually never give her a hard time about hanging out with anyone, anywhere. It's a virtuous cycle; we both try to go that extra mile when it comes to being communicative, and consequently we're both pretty fucking trusting of each other and there's not that many situations that we actually are uncomfortable with. I'd never be so arrogant as to insist that everybody should act this way, though. It's just one option.
I do really disagree with the idea that sexual jealousy is necessarily a manifestation of insecurity; it's not. It's an unfortunate but almost universal emotion that's as old as our species (actually much older.) It doesn't indicate a deficiency of any kind, in moderation. I also think it's a bit disingenuous to equate any of the situations you mentioned with hanging out with an opposite-sex peer. I have plenty of girl friends who I'm not sexually attracted to. At all. But while our lack of chemistry is obvious to me, it's not something my girlfriend can ever be 100% sure of. I make sure to always remember that and act accordingly. It's not about me, it's about her.
Literally the most adolescent advice I've ever seen.
>she's at the point where she can claim they're just "teammates" from school, bust she's really trying to find out if this guy is an upgrade over you
>pretty soon she's "busy" and "not in the mood" and suddenly she needs to be single to "find herself
>then you'll see the facebook and instagram photos of them cuddling
Are you sure you're giving actual advice or are you just projecting onto OP your own insecurities?
Your story is mighty specific. Its cool to be 18 and think all women cheat because you dated a girl that cheated on you but when your big boy hair comes in your perspective will change. Or it won't and you'll be alone forever. Whichever.
>talking to some random dude shopping in the frozen foods aisle is weird and unacceptable
this sentence tells me all I need to know about your maturity level. like I keep saying, when you grow up all of this will start to make more sense. right now you're so insecure and confused you actually think this. but its ok, I remember being a kid, it was a very strange time.
people talk to each other, man. i talk to a hundred different people every day for a minute and never see them again; standing in line, going to the bank, at the grocery store, at my job, at school. it happens. we're humans. adult men and adult women understand this, which is why I gather that you aren't an adult yet. real adult couples don't give a shit about random conversations and brief encounters. as you age your worries expand past your insecurities and childish fears into things more real and important.
when you grow older you'll come to see that if your girlfriend is having idle chit chat with a stranger in the grocery store its not her behavior that will be viewed as weird and unacceptable, it will be you, the jealous boyfriend storming around getting pissy in the super market because his girlfriend had a brief chit chat with a stranger that is weird and unacceptable.
>That's an incredibly hard line to take, even for this board.
Its an incredibly hard line from the perspective of a child but you have to remember the people that frequent this board aren't adults. These concepts seem kind of black and white when you're still young but with time it all becomes a reliable grey.
Even if he was fucking with me there are a great amount of adolescent boys who actually think like this. You know, the kids who think girls who like sex are sluts. The kids who think the pull out method is actually a method. The kids who think that looks are the only thing girls care about. The kids who think that their girlfriends not cumming means they're not fucking them hard enough.
Maybe I'm not exactly winning over hearts and minds here but now that I've grown up I wish some grown ass dude would of taken the time to tell me what a fuckbag I was being and dropped some real knowledge on me when I was a teenager.
You can't cure idiocy but you can cure an idiot. True shit.
It's likely that the relationship has an issue, wether it's a lack of devotion on her end, or jealousy on your end. Of course all relationships have issues and this doesn't sound too gigantic given your self-awareness, so don't think that it's doomed or that you need psychotherapy to make it work (although certainly don't hesitate as that usually helps).
To me, it sounds like she kinda knows you can get upset about this stuff, and is trying to tiptoe and sugarcoat things like "teammate from my class" instead of "friend" in order to not upset you. While it's noble of her to take your feelings into account like that, I think that kind of behavior can quickly become counterproductive, say, if the guy kissed her, and she didn't want to tell you out of habit of not wanting to upset. (purely hypothetical, I have no reason to think that's a possibility)
If I were you, I'd try to trust her (she's in a relationship with you, not him, and unless you're Andy from The American Office, there's a good reason for it). Of course feel free to bring it up if it really keeps you awake, but be careful. I'm giving advice both because I'm going into mft and because I've had this exact problem in the past. Just be completely transparent like "I felt kinda weird about you walking that guy home and I don't know if it's just me being crazy" or something. Avoid prying, which sounds obvious, but sometimes is easier said than done.
Hopefully if you're are able to talk, you'll reach one of two outcomes;
1. Your imagination is running wild, and you guys need to work towards a more trusting relationship
2. You both have different expectations of the relationship or she doesn't realize the effect that her relaxed nature is having on you
If you open a dialogue about this (which I think most healthy people would encourage), it can become easy to be lost in the thoughts and details, so a good rule of thumb is: "would I do this without guilt?" The answer in this situation is yes for most.
coming back after a lack of sleep.
thanks for the advice, i'll take it wholeheartedly.
and as i said in my las post, i'll definitelt go to therapy. seems like some anons got into argument abour childishness and stuff, but i know my gf is not one to cheat, we arent americans, and i trust her much. though i always feel less when she enjoys too much someone.
that right there is the proof that i am the problem and will tey my best to find a solutions towars that.
it is a good relationship, we have fun like friend, sleep like lovers and accompany the other as brothers. her family likes me mostly, and the more this thread keeps going the more stupid i realize i was being.