Hey /adv/ i've been in an Long distance relationship for almost 4 years now, and the last time i saw my partner is going to soon be 3 years ago because we're both poor. This is not an open relationship
My significant other is a fantastic person who has been great to me. This relationship has also been wonderful. Recently, however, i've been really missing having a physical relationship, as well as an emotional one and I find myself attracted to other people in my life. I'm torn on the matter because I feel like my attitude is selfish (SO's been 10/10 since the begining). I know that this person is something special and i'll most deffinitely end up regretting it if i leave them.
Does /adv/ have any advice for ignoring attraction to others ? How have you coped with your LDR? What do you think i should do ?
I cope with mine by getting engaged and soon to be married. Doing the marriage visa for the US since she's international, the whole deal. Make the commitment.
That's how I cope with it. Now we just imagine when we'll be together and doing that.
My point is that if you want it to work, if it's worth it for you, then it better be worth it to make some real changes in your life, meaning uprooting yourself, your job, your friends and everything to be with your SO or have that person do it for you.
If you can't do that, then your relationship isn't as strong as you might think and you might as well stop wasting everyone's time.
Either put in the effort and get together for real or don't.
I say this as someone who makes $7.50 an hour before taxes and works 20 hours a week maximum. I eat almost nothing to save up all the money and walk absolutely everywhere 100% of the time.
Get going. Or don't. If it were worth it to you you'd already be doing this you lazy shit.
I literally don't understand why people put themselves through long distance relationships, it seems like such a terrible idea especially if the two of you don't have the funds to see eachother
If OP takes my advice and does >>16799217
then that shouldn't be a problem.
Anyone can get a small job for $7.50 an hour given enough time. Then it's just a matter of how much OP actually gives a shit.
If he/she doesn't care enough to do that, then don't fucking ask for advice about it because he/she hasn't really tried.
Hey anon, OP here, honestly it's reassuring to read your post, and the both of us have been investing a lot into this relaionship. I am a full time student and work a job at night (and during the vacations). I pay for my schooling and life alone and my SO doesn' want me to pay for their plane ticket. I've asked many times but they just want me to be able to lodge them for free when they do get here.
SO has been studying the last 2 and a half years as well so that they can gain the skillsets necessary to work in my country. Although, during that time they haven't earned much. I'm asking for advice on the matter because we both know that we're dedicated to this, and i'm confused as to why now, i'm feeling the things that i am.
Also, both of us feel we're too young/not ready to be engaged.
Let me add to my post. I am also a full-time student and I'm 20 years old.
The way I see it, if I can save enough to support both of us (her living with me, no job here though she will try to find one) long enough for me to finish my education and get a decent job, then we'll be ok. That means a couple thousand for a couple months. It's difficult but we're both going to do it.
That's what I mean by the commitment though. I'm young. Very young. And I might be giving up a lot by doing this. I've also done a pretty extraordinary amount of things for someone my age anyway. But I am absolutely sure about it.
the big issue here is that there doesn't seem to be an endgame. you guys dont seem to actually know each other very well. you havent made physical contact in 3 years. 3 fucking years. and he doesn't care about you enough to let you buy a ticket. after 3 years.
think about that. her sense of pride is stronger than his desire to see you.
and you dont have some solid plan worked out to actually be together, and considering how long its been it is going to be a mess
Wait, are you talking to me or her? Who are you even talking to?
We have made physical contact in 3 years. We have been together 13 months and have a solid plan laid out.
I think you're responding to the wrong person.
These are both me, not the OP.
I think that was somebody else, well honestly, MY plan involves figuring out if this is something i'm still willing to put up with considering how much WE'VE given to this relationship. I really care for my SO and after my studies we plan on moving-in together it just that, given my current feelings, i wonder if i'll be able to hold onto this relationship until then.
What scares me is that we still have no idea when we're gonna be able to see eachother again, and even less how my SO long it's going to take for them to find a job and make it over to this country. If you're wondering, neither my SO nor me want to live in Brazil (SO's current country)
OP, every fucking corner on earth is reachable with 2000€. If in 3 years you two didn't manage to save that amount of money, even by splitting it in half (1000€ each), honestly, just give up and think about it when there's a fair chance for you two to be together.
I am in a long distance, I'll be in a long distance for the next 5 years at least, and I starve myself to go and see my boyfriend. I don't go out with my friends, I walk places whenever I can, I don't buy anything I don't really need, and I work as much as I can (I am a full time student so I have limits). We manage to meet twice a month, and we live 1500 km apart.
I do understand feelings or whatever, but be rational.
How do you cope with missing him though ? I see what you mean. Financially wise it's always been kind of complicated for the reasons i've explained. As much as i think that my SO's learning a lot in his studies, they have earned very little in the last 3 years and outright refuse that I pay, even partly for the ticket. SO's vehemently against accepting my (and anyone's) money.
So there's a sort of paradox in which they have the entirety of the financial pressure in order to get here and I don't want to add to that. So I try avoiding asking how it's going financially...
Well, we spend 10 days together every month. We spend 5 days together, then 10 days apart, then other 5 days together, and so on. I don't even really miss him at this point, it's just 10 days, it's not that bad. Rest of the time we skype every evening before bed, we have breakfast together, and we text through the day. He needs to do some experience abroad for his career, and it's better if he does it now then later, when we will have a family.
We've been together for 7 years, 3 years living together, 1 year LD now.
Just tell them that if they care about you and your relationship they should accept your help. You NEED to spend time together. You can't go 7 years without meeting your SO in person. If they're not willing to swallow their pride to be with you, do they really care?
Just try to be rational, OP.
My husband and I lived 3000 miles from each other for 7 years. We started our relationship as teenagers, so we didn't start meeting in person until 5 years in or so. To be honest, it didn't feel too difficult to either of us, but we are both introverts with low-ish sex drives. We cammed with each other almost every night and talked all the time and that was enough for us. Eventually, he moved in with me and we got married. That was 3 years ago. Now we're having a baby.
It can work but I never recommend it to other people because you both have to be a certain kind of person in order for it to work. If you're at all physically needy or extroverted, it's probably not going to work for you.
As for killing your attraction to others, that's impossible. You will always be attracted to other people, that's pure biology. Recognizing it for what it is, a biological reaction to seeing someone that is attractive, is the key to dismissing it. It's not rooted in logic or emotion, just keep your boyfriend with you in your thoughts.
I wish you the best OP
>What scares me is that we still have no idea when we're gonna be able to see eachother again, and even less how my SO long it's going to take for them to find a job and make it over to this country.
This has to change. If it means that one of you has to pay for the other's plane ticket, then one of you has to pay for the other's plane ticket, and that sucks, but you need a solid date. If you need some time to save up some money, that's OK: set it for Christmas, or even next Christmas, or whenever. The important thing is that there needs to be a date.
Ideally, you need two dates: the "next" date I just talked about, and the "forever" date when one of you moves and it'll never be long-distance again. Forever dates can be hard to set, though: like you said, you don't have all the information. So for that one, you can settle for planning out exactly what needs to happen before you can close the distance for good. But you absolutely need to know when you'll see each other next.
What's happening, OP, is that all of this drags on with no end in sight, it becomes more and more like a dream to you: a thing you would like to happen, but might never really happen. The cure for this is to make it real: you need to see this person again, or know exactly when you will. That will renew your sense of this relationship as a real thing, and it'll get easier again.
If your SO refuses to let you pay, here's what you tell them: "I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing it for me. I need to see you, and I don't think I can take this for much longer if I don't at least know when it's going to happen. So I want to buy myself a plane ticket that will get you over here for a few days. Are you OK with that?"