I did something I regret and feel like I can't move on until I've fixed it.
I used to hang out with a group of people, until one of them made a fairly long facebook message about how they felt maligned and left out (posted to the whole group of us). I felt like it was mainly directed towards me, but I became very anxious and unsure of myself and didn't reply.
It's been about a year and three months since that happened and I've only seen/spoken to one person from that group a couple of times, otherwise I basically cut off all contact. The one who made the message unfriended me on facebook.
Even if we don't become friends again I at least want to apologise but I keep getting scared and backing out.
How should I handle this? (sorry for the blog post...)
sounds like you suffer from insecurities. you probably should of apologised to that friends of your who made the message and had a discussion with him about the problem. did your other friends express how they felt about the message?
What did you do to the guy, exactly, to make him feel that way? Because it's possible that you really were an asshole, but in my experience, people who make long Facebook messages about how they feel "left out" are self-centered, passive-aggressive dicks. Just because someone is always playing the victim doesn't mean they're NOT a dick. It just means they're manipulative.
If you really did treat this person poorly, you apologize and try to do better, you don't just run away and cut yourself off from everyone. Look, not everyone you meet is going to like you, you're going to rub people the wrong way sometimes, even make enemies, if you're really out there living your life and going after what you want. It should always feel bad when you've hurt someone, but it shouldn't DESTROY you like this just when you've made someone feel "left out." You're important too, you've got to put yourself first sometimes, don't just completely sell yourself out over someone else's hurt feelings.
Thanks for replying
No one else really said anything about the message, the whole group sort of just fell apart I think. They probably replied privately.
I wanted to apologise and have a discussion with him, but he'd already spoken to me about it a while ago (in a much smaller, less serious way) and I felt so guilty this time that I wasn't sure what to do, so I panicked and did nothing.
Basically he felt left out in the group because we sometimes talked about things he had no knowledge of, and lots of other little things we were doing that I had no idea about that seemed to be affecting him (when I say 'we' it's mostly me that was the problem, I'm pretty sure). He said he felt that no one seemed to ever ask about how he was doing etc.
He's a very sensitive person and there was also a lot of other things going on in his life (nothing to do with me) that were making him feel depressed. I want to apologise, but after this long is it too late?
sounds like he is way too sensitive. sometimes my friends talk about things that i know or care about, i dont give a shit. its nothing personal against your friend, he just happens to be there when you are talking about something.
You didn't do anything wrong. It was exactly as I expected, this guy thinks he's the center of the universe, and he can't stand it when other people don't see it that way.
This is what I mean about people who "play the victim" - more often than not, it's a tactic for manipulation. Just look at the situation - this guy completely pushed you away from all your friends, when you did nothing wrong at all, and you're still making excuses for him. He's "sensitive," he's "depressed," he's got "a lot of things going on," a nice list of reasons why he's apparently allowed to walk all over you and throw ridiculous tantrums whenever he isn't the center of attention.
Watch out for this type of person. Watch out for people who use "hurt feelings" as a tactic to get their way, people who work on generating sympathy and pity rather than respect. He will NEVER STOP inventing problems and stirring up drama, because he'll never understand that it isn't always all about him all the time. This shit will follow him everywhere he goes, his whole life
I don't know.... he's a very kind, thoughtful and polite person, but maybe you could be somewhat right in a way...
we're both guys, I'm very shy and timid, not really feminine though I don't think