Just read the whole thing and tell me your honest opinion. I want to know if I'm just reinforcing this "it's my fault" thing to torture myself or if there is some logic to how i'm thinking about this. I'll keep this as short and truthful as possible, without adding or subtracting shit to make me look better
>gf with girl for three years, she gets ectopically pregnant, aborts baby
>we break up, get back together a year later
>in the year we were apart I started doing hard drugs (cocaine, meth, ecstasy)
>introduce her to hard drugs, she loves them because she's a head case and it calms her mind down or something
>head case as in hears shit, gets messages from god, is disconnected from reality, won't sleep for weeks etc
>we get an apartment together, joint bank account, she's a student, i'm working for my dad
>one night my friend sells me 7 hydrocodones. I take them all and don't share any with her
>the butthurt is strong with her, she goes out and buys 7 xanax bars and takes them all with no tolerance ("let's see what it feels like for you if i take 7 pills and don't share, NYYAAHH!")
>we get in a really heated ass fight
>she's naked, throwing dishes on the floor
>i'm punching shit and throwing shit
>flipping her off directly in her face and telling her to go fuck herself
>at one point I grab her by the back of the neck and squeeze hard
>she punches at me
>she gets up to leave, puts on this party dress, i think it was implied that she was going out to fuck somebody idr
>I get a screwdriver and stab it by her head on the door
>she's butthurt to the extreme, is threatening to call the cops
>xanax kicks in and she can't even speak
>she falls asleep after some lame attempt at sex
>I hide her keys. Mostly because I just wanted to fuck with her, but also because I didn't want her to drive ig
>I hated her for so many reasons
ok, that was day 1, now onto the next day...
>I come home from work, she's naked at the computer with a bitchy hate-face on
>on the computer she wrote "I didn't deserve any of this" (do you see how she is?)
>I spin her around in the chair and she has a gun by her side
>I don't exactly recall what I said, because I was fucked up a lot during this time. something tells me i wasn't on drugs though.
>anyway, i take away the gun
>something happens, something that makes me trust her kind of, like something she said that seemed like she'd snapped out of it, but idr exactly what that was. I wish I did.
>so I gave it back
>i don't remember much. I'm not sure if I took drugs or if the trauma prevents me from remembering
>long story short, I come home at lunch the next day and she is frantic/can't find her keys, is hyper pissed/depressed, and is saying how shitty she is
>I tell her she's not, probably not in the most genuine way
>I go back to work, get a text at the end of the shift that only says "bye"
>get home and she's dead with a bullet wound in the head
>thinking about finding her body or even about the whole situation makes me feel a way I'm not sure is in the list of emotions that can be felt.
>feels like i'm falling and confused
Anyway, was it my fucking fault or not?
Sounds like you're both dumb drug addicts. And I'm not saying this because all drug addicts are dumb... I did more than my share of meth when I was younger and some coke can be fun.... but seriously, no relationship ever works in a functional way when you mix that shit in.
Not your fault. Especially if she was already hearing voices. Stop fucking off your life maybe. Or don't. This doped up relationship thing isn't going to be a winning choice for you though.
no way? as in no? but I gave the gun back, and I think a small part of me wanted her to do it. Oh my god the pain of conscience is un-fucking-bearable sometimes. I sit alone in my room or the shower and curse at myself out loud and without control. I just live in this shitty chamber of repressed emotions that don't allow me to function like a normal human being. I feel like my soul is dying.
hell no. that would be fucked up.
funny thing though. before she died, apparently she took a picture with her "friend" groping her tits from behind (clothes on)
I doubt anything sexual happened. But anyway, he posted that shit on facebook after she died. And her mom played "all the single ladies" at her memorial/funeral thing.
But I also answered your question. Not your fault. Move the fuck on. Especially if it's been 6 years.
I didn't realize it was possible to still be so psychologically involved with a dead girl after six years.
Let me say it again: not your fault. Even if you started her on drugs. You weren't in a state I'd call you mentally competent either it doesn't sound like (and no, I'm not just being a dick, I've watched the behavior of enough addicts in my life). You might be sober now, but you weren't then... and while you can see clearly how you contributed to the situation now, you couldn't at the time.
she wasn't just some "dead girl", she was the woman I loved. I know I made it a point to seem like I disliked her in my post (I did, in a lot of ways, especially towards the end), but I had a very deep and loving connection with her.
You have to understand that we spent pretty much every free waking second with each other when we were together. We grew up together. We'd finish each other's sentences and shit. Our families knew us, knew each other, we shared christmas' and vacations and shit. Our lives were very much intertwined. We when fucked it wasn't fucking, it was like we made love.
I hate sounding like this. I sound like a bitch. But it's the truth. Annnddd it fucking kills me that I gave her the means to kill herself.
for the most part I can pull up my britches and "get over it", but sometimes it STILL fucks with my head. idk, I have a serious sense of guilt concerning her death
Well. You are on 4chin to be fair.
But I'm not kidding when I say you weren't responsible for her killing herself. You were both in a really bad place and neither of you had the tools to get out, and it sounds like she had a lot of underlying mental illness. "Those types" for lack of a better word are drawn to drugs so much more strongly than people who have a traditional, well-adjusted background. Or even just people who don't struggle with the kinds of disorders they do. I watched some beautiful humans slowly destroy themselves until they were burnt out shells of what they had been, or in some cases were simply dead. It's a terrible thing when these people find hard drugs before they find treatment for the problems they have and if you want to blame yourself for something blame yourself for that....
But even than isn't something I'd count as your fault. Were you trying to hook her or hurt her or were you just sharing something that seemed awesome to you at the time? You didn't have the knowledge or perspective to know how drugs would interact with her... all you knew was how they felt to you, which I can tell you, is a fundamentally different experience.
I'm sorry you loved her. And I'm sorry she was a childhood friend. It sounds terrible. But keep in mind that addiction was something you escaped and she didn't. Not that it was something you inflicted upon her.
No, I wasn't trying to hook her at all. I think I was even weary about giving her drugs. Maybe not, idr desu.
I'm not entirely free from addiction btw. I've had a hard time staying sober. I recently relapsed two weeks ago for a week, after 6ish months of being clean.
anyway, yeah, drugs are bad shit. I hope I'm not one of those husks you're talking about, sometimes I feel like it.
Staying sober is a bunch of hard bullshit for sure. I'm finally far enough away from it myself I don't think I'll ever be back where I was. But even a few weeks ago when I was prescribed oxys for legitimate pain I used them like a fucking addict trying to get high.
I was a meth dealer for years back when I was a teenager though and that was a whole different thing. A guy I have working for me now, and I try to look after him some, is 21 now. I met him when he was 7 because I was him mom's dealer.
For what it's worth you don't sound like a husk. But I will tell you this - being able to forgive yourself is important. Look at who you were and understand that you didn't have the long-view you have now.
Drop your guilt. Keep loving who she was but stop this bullshit of blaming yourself.
You're right, that's what I need to do. I'm starting therapy again and will make it a point to get over this shit. I don't know what he can do desu, I mean what can he really say? lol.
Anyway thanks for talking, I feel a lot better now
It doesn't matter if it was your fault or not. What matters is that the two of you are clearly incredibly damaged people, and you need to get some help for your drug problems and emotional problems before you directly hurt someone. It's too late for her now, but rather than using this as an excuse to spiral further, use it as a fucking wake up call and get your shit together.
See? I'm totally right. Now get over your deadgirl.