after having dedicated the entirety of 2015 to a girl i was incredibly in love with, and spending much of december trying to plan out the most elaborate valentines celebration, i realised i'm in love with a fellow dude. we got talking in december and talk pretty much every day, sometimes just a few messages, sometimes insanely long conversations, and i think i realised my feelings pretty early on, but didnt wanna admit them. I was really traumatised by the thought i could like a guy, i saw a counsellor and asked for advice and she basically reassured me everything was okay and i shouldnt worry how to label myself or whatever, and just 'go with the flow'. think i just wanted to get this off my chest, i dont know.
But, it became really stressful keeping this from him, and i eventually cracked and brought it up one day on facebook to him, and he seemed to respond quite casually about it, and nothing really seems like its changed between us, i think.. I dont know, we're really close, and we share a lot of common interests and aspirations in life.. we've hung out in person a few times over the past month, and just recently at a concert we both went to, where i really felt like there was a connection, but looking back maybe i was just caught up in the atmosphere there. I felt really good, so i brought up again that i have feelings for him, at the end of the night as he got on his train home, and he said something like 'i dont usually act like this', and then wished me a safe trip home and stuff, i didnt really understand what he meant. He's a really quiet, reserved dude, but so funny and so uniquely complex and different from anyone else i've ever known in my life. I think sometimes i doubt myself about all this, i dont think im that great, and sometimes i get the feeling that he only talks to me cause i'm somewhat 'famous' online, he brings that up a lot. I think maybe i'm just being doubtful of myself cause these feelings are so new and different for me, but i dont know how to move on from here. I wanna keep spending time with this guy and see where it takes us, but i'm afraid that i'll fuck things up if i keep it up. i dont even know what advice you guys can offer me.. I've told some close friends but they all just seem to think its 'cute' or whatever.
>cont again bc i have so much to say
when we were at this performance together it was the most vivid night of my life, and even though there was a celebrity up on stage, i felt so much more preoccupied by him and how happy he looked. Really, i dont regret saying how i felt, i was glad i was able to say it out loud. Even though his response was questionable, he didnt seem awkward or upset, and we talked when we both got home safely, and then again today. I really appreciate this person immensely, i feel like when i'm around him there's no pressure to maintain the 'persona/act' i seem to always have on at home, school and online. I feel like im the same me I am when i'm alone in my room, doing things i enjoy, and to be able to share moments with him where i feel completely at ease is such a beautiful thing to me. I feel like the upcoming months are going to be very difficult, and i dont know what the future holds, im not sure if i should even try to remain hopeful, im so confused. i think there's been romantic or at least flirtacious undertones to some of the things we've done together, but maybe that's just me thinking that.. maybe
i could honestly talk about this forever, i feel like i'll never get sick of this guy, some of the stuff we've done together has been so memorable, like walking over a bridge and singing to eachother, laying in a field of grass listening to music and holding hands, the entire night at the concert, all my time spent with him or talking to him has been fantastic, i hope i get to make many more memories with him in the future. i really am in love, and i know im so worried and concerned about the future for us, but at the same time i feel so incredible, it's such a fucking beautiful thing, i havent felt like this ever before, and now that i do i dont know if i ever want to live a life where i'm not close with him